BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

  1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get into a chair
     quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  
     If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
 
 
  2. DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get a door
     opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your fore paws.  
     Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After 
     you have ordered an outside door opened stand halfway in and 
     halfway out and think about several things.  This is particularly 
     important during very cold weather, rain, snow and the mosquito 
     season.
 
 
  3. GUESTS:  Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most.  
     Sit on that lap.  If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'n Glop 
     on your breath, so much the better.  For the guest who claims 
     "I love kitties" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to 
     stockings, use a quick nip on the ankle.  When walking among 
     dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and 
     hurt when scolded.  The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on 
     the table when company is not here." Always accompany guest to 
     the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and 
     stare.
 
 
  4. WORK:  If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is
     idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called helping, otherwise 
     known as hampering.  Following are the rules for hampering.  When 
     supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  
     You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being 
     stepped on, and picked up and consoled.  For book readers, get in 
     close under the chin, between the eyes and the book unless you can 
     lie across the book itself.  For knitting projects, curl quietly 
     into the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze.  Occasionally 
     reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply.  This can cause 
     dropped stitches or spill the yarn.  The knitter may try to distract 
     you with a scrap ball of yarn.  Ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to
     hamper work.
 
 
  5. PLAY:  It is important.  Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you
     are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on your human's
     bed between 2 and 4 a.m.  
 
 
Begin people training early.  You will have a smooth running household. 
 
Humans need to know the basic rules.  They can be taught if you start 
early and are consistent.