Life all over again
By Baileys
Summary: Tag for Fallen and Homecoming. Daniel's trip of re-self discovery and all the stress on the way.
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It’s the loud banging, more so than the loud voice, that throws me out of my dream and lands me with both feet firmly within the froes of reality - a reality, I might add, that has yet to find a place for me. The dream I was having, flimsy as it was, drifts away before I can keep anything of worth for my conscious mind. A sense of there being something more is all I’m left with. Taking a moment to gather my senses I lay still on the bed.
I feel bereft this morning, the same way I start almost every morning in this concrete hell. Staring at the ceiling with glazed eyes, I come to the conclusion that my world of mottled green and beige may well be all there is to this life. My moment to collect my thoughts is fleeting, and it doesn't take long before the knocking eventually stops and gives way to artificial yellow lighting flooding the room.
"What time is it?" I ask my intruder sullenly, because I swear I only fell asleep an hour ago.
“Time to get up”
Jim? “Jack?” My throat hurts, the name barely passes my lips, but I am ecstatic that I remembered it right.
“Hey, good morning,” Jack says much more softly.
I sit up slowly and find Jack standing just inside the doorway. Looking down at myself to ensure I'm decent I notice the bed’s mightily crumpled and I slept in my clothes again. Third night in a row - must stop doing it. There’s a prolonged silence while I busy myself with the arduous task of waking up and Jack, pensive look firmly in place, watches me carefully, like I’m a time bomb he’s positive will explode should he venture too close.
Blinking, I ask “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he denies. Then very casually walks fully into my room, giving the hallway a quick check - probably nodding to my guard - before shutting the door behind him. “Figured I’d come and get you, we’re taking you out.”
“Out?”
“Yes out. As in outside, I know your memory’s fuzzy but you remember sky, trees, sunshine?” The forced smile not reaching his eyes tells me this was not his idea.
“Umm yeah…am I allowed out?” I’m just asking. Anytime I bring it up with someone that maybe, possibly - should the mood strike that I’d like to see past the beige interior so far referred to as home - they tend to change the subject.
“Just cleared it with the General, now all we need is you to visit with the Doc and we’re off.” Jack swishes his hand through the air, making a swift cutting motion. As if anything could possibly be that simple.
“Off where?”
He shrugs, doesn’t give me anymore of an answer. I let it go, too much and too early, it’s over my head in any case. Every morning like clockwork this person has been waking me up before I’m ready and usually it’s for nought. Why should I believe today to be any different?
“At the risk of sounding a little dense…” I hedge, not quite sure how to get my meaning across without seeming like an ungrateful snit.
“Just a little?”
“Why?”
He huffs and sits down next to me on the bed, “Because Dan-iel, I think it might help your current predicament if we can refresh your memory a little with some none Stargate related stuff.” His tone is on the patronising side, but I think that’s just how he talks to me. And no, I don’t know how I know that.
Without even looking I know I’m doing that glazed eye thing again, where my mind takes a tour into the depths of my memories - such as they are - while I stare off into space. It happens sometimes. I’d love to know where my mind thinks it’s going when it does that - be even better if it could bring something worth while back with it, but I guess something’s are just a little too much to ask for. Refocusing on Jack, I try and listen.
“- Contrary to popular opinion you did actually have some sort of life outside of this place.”
“I did.”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Okay, so going out sounds good. I could learn a lot, might remember something. That’s good.
I’m scared shitless.
“Good, get dressed.” Jack smiles again, he seems happier. This gives me more resolve to keep up the calm act. If he thinks I’m the Daniel he remembers then he’ll want me to stay.
Hopefully my fear of the unknown doesn’t translate too well onto my face, wouldn’t want anyone thinking I can’t get with the programme. It’s important I not appear too over whelmed, scared or distressed while I’m here, lest they think I’m not up to par and toss me out. Yeah it seems unlikely, especially since most seem very happy to see me, but that doesn’t change the facts; I’ve lost my memory, what if I don’t want to go back to being who I was before, what if I can’t? I’ve seen the people here; all of them know what they’re doing, how to answer questions - know who they are. I mean I don’t need it spelled out that I don’t really fit in here, not like this at least. On Vis-u-Ban I couldn’t stop my nerves getting the better of me, my worries, my fear of the unknown was plain to see, but then no one claimed to know me, I was literary a blank slate. As soon as I stepped through that Stargate something clicked. I didn’t remember anything, yet at the same time I knew something. By the end of the day I knew I wanted to stay and I also knew I couldn’t do anything to screw it up.
Calm, cool and collect I shuffle out of bed while Jack heads for the door. I’m actually starting to feel excited, it’s hard to comprehend, the frill of knowing something I didn’t yesterday intermingled with the fear of finding out something I’ll wish I hadn’t…
“In what?” I blurt, once I open the dresser draw and discover only the green and blue overalls that I knew to be in there.
“Okay, proving your dense theory now.” Jack walks back over to me.
“The only clothes I’ve got are the ones Dr Fraiser gave me in the infirmary.” I explain, my voice getting higher in pitch. I’m shaking and my palms are sweaty. I try hard to get a grip, but then I guess telling yourself not to panic is a sure fire way of inducing panic, so I should probably shut myself up right now.
“Hey,” Jack’s brow furrows, no doubt trying to work out why I’m getting flustered over something as simple as clothes. “I brought some old stuff out of my closet, actually the same you borrowed last time you decided to come home.” Off my look he adds “- don’t ask.”
Last time I came home? I find a smile from somewhere, his use of the word home making me feel more like I belong, even if I don’t feel it myself.
Jack pulls open the bottom draw and presents me with said clothes. "By the way Doc’s name is Janet, you used to call her Janet.”
Before I can push it aside I grimace.
“What’s wrong?” Jack stands by the door, hands on hips, like I’m an immense strain on his mental well being.
“I don’t know.” I wish I did. “It’s just weird knowing that everybody knows me and I don’t know them. It feels weird to call someone by their familiar name when you’re not familiar with them.”
I immediately duck my head, hoping that made sense to him, since it didn't to me, and I really hope that it doesn’t make him uncomfortable around me again.
“You call me Jack.” He states, his tone almost daring me to tell him it means nothing.
I look up, “I guess that’s because I couldn’t imagine calling you anything else.” Oh my god, what did I just say? He’s wearing a strained thin-lipped expression, and doesn’t know where to look. “Weird huh?” I chuckle, trying to brush it aside.
It takes him a minute, but eventually the uncomfortable expression drops away and he smiles politely again. “Actually no, it makes perfect sense.”
“It does?”
“Trust me.”
…Okay.
*
Stepping out of my room I find Jack leaning against the opposite wall. Hope I haven’t kept him waiting.
“So, you ready for this?” He asks as we walk. Jack’s gone from pensive, to uncomfortable, to happy and back to overly polite while around me this morning.
“I don’t know.” I decide to be honest.
“That’s okay.” He smiles. A friendly, comforting, it really is okay smile. I must have done something right.
“Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“Do I have any family?” I wasn’t going to pester them, my original plan was to go with the flow and take in what I could, but obviously not being a bother isn’t in my nature.
“How’d you mean?” Jack frowns at my question.
“Well I know Teal’c said I was married, and I remember her - a little - but I don’t remember anyone else.”
Jack sighs, looks around for ease droppers then stops us in the middle of the hallway. “You don’t have any blood relatives - close by at any rate.”
Holding one hand on my elbow he gets me walking again. “What about parents?” I ask, can’t stop apparently.
“You remember them?”
“Not really, but I must have parents - right?” I must have somebody.
Jack turns away from me and says very quietly, “They died when you were little.”
“Oh.” Oh. “So I’m…?”
Jack stops again, this time looking me dead in the eye. “Look, I hate to break it to you Danny, but we are your family.”
“You?” Somewhere in the back of my shell shocked mind it registers the man just called me Danny.
“And Carter, Teal’c and General Hammond, even the Doc.”
I feel traitorous tears filling my eyes and desperately blink them back.
“Look Daniel, I know this is going to be hard, but believe me you’ve been through worse.”
“That’s not very comforting.” I laugh nervously, doing a lousy job of keeping my emotions at bay. I’m over whelmed.
“I know, but I’ll be here.” Jack wraps his arm around my back as we walk towards the elevators and all of a sudden I’m flooded with feeling and an even greater need to cry, but manage to hold everything back with superb effort. It’s as if this is the first close contact I’ve had in… well for as long as I remember actually, which admittedly isn’t very far.
“Thanks.” I say quickly, wiping my nose on the sleeve of the cream sweater he provided me.
“You’re welcome.”
I start to walk forward as soon as the doors open, but come to a sudden and unexpected halt. Jack slams into my back making a very vocal ‘ow’ and causing the people crowded in the elevator to give us some peculiar looks. He pushes me in without qualm and slaps his hand against the panel, covering it completely so I don’t see which buttons he presses. Paranoia runs rife amongst these halls, I don’t see the big deal, every corridor looks like another, and it’s not like I’m suddenly going to make a run for it is it? I’ve got nowhere to go. The bald guy, Jack calls him General Hammond, gave me a very heart warming speech about the ‘classified nature of the Stargate project’. It was… bizarre. I think they’re giving me more credit than is due, I understood the basics I think. It’s a big secret - tell no one. Done and done I said, and repeated my briefing room joke about not remembering anyone to tell. That hit the floor like a ton of bricks. At the time I thought they just had no sense of humour, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s me who they don’t expect jokes from…huh.
The elevator stops and, thankfully, a few people get off. I stand ridged in the corner hoping and praying no one will speak to me, I’d rather they not look either, but that’s probably asking too much. I guess if what Jack told me back on Vis-u-Ban is true, then it’s not every day they see someone return from the dead. Or maybe it is who knows? I can’t get my head around it to be frank and decided two days ago I’ve got enough to have a panic attack over without adding resurrection into the mix. So in a perfectly rational way I’ve chosen to avoid the subject entirely and live in denial for the time being.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jack’s question, disturbing the overall quite of our carriage, throws me into a frantic grasp for words. My understanding that if I’m to keep up the rouse of everything’s fine then I have to answer him, and quickly. “What?”
He leans close and whispers in my ear. “You seem a little tense.”
I flounder for a further minute. The remaining strangers exit at our next stop, leaving just the two of us. I don’t intend to, but I visibly melt against the wall. I can handle being alone with Jack, it feels a lot less demanding than when I’m out numbered by people who claim to know me and want to be my friend.
“Look Daniel, if you’re not ready-”
“I’m ready!”
“You’re eager, there’s not doubt.” He’s says condescendingly. I get the feeling that’s just the way it is between us.
“It’s a lot of people.” Is my attempt at an explanation - a very lame one. I don’t know how else to tell him that I’m terrified without actually using the words.
“What is? In the elevator?” Jack looks around at our empty car. “There’s even more people to contend with outside Daniel.” His lips thin and the lines over his forehead increase ten fold, he’s going to change his mind.
“Yes, but I’m sure most of those don’t know me.” I snap, wanting to yell ‘isn’t it obvious?’ at the top of my voice. “It’s nothing, honestly, I’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to it.” I’m desperate to get out of here.
He’s not convinced. Or rather he’s convinced this is a bad idea and cursing whoever convinced him.
“This is us.” Jack says grimly and walks out without waiting for me.
Right, Daniel, got to keep it together, otherwise you’re never going to be allowed out and Jack won’t take you again if you screw up.
We stroll through the corridors of what looks to be some other part of the mountain. It looks far less military up here. The walls are painted instead of plain concrete, there are floor titles under my feet and everything smells fresher. I’m trying with all my might to conjure up an image of the outside. A picture of what the place I call home looks like. I know it’s called Colorado Springs, sounds pleasant enough.
We pass through a door and walk into a parking garage. For some silly reason I’m surprised. Jack takes the lead, confidently strolling through rows upon rows of military vehicles. I wonder if I know how to drive? I bet asking Jack to let me drive his truck to find out would be crossing the line a - wait a minute…
“You drive a truck!” I announce with delight, and my knowledge doesn’t stop there… “It’s black with a Forget the Jones'; I keep up with the Simpson’s bumper sticker.”
Jack stops in the middle of the road and stares at me like I’ve lost not only my memory, but also my mind to-boot, he’s not smiling, but he’s not looking angry either. It’s the sad look.
I deflate completely, my triumph not feeling so great all of a sudden. Jack clearly wants Daniel back, and even though all of them are convinced I’m him, I’m not living up to their expectations - I’m not the same Daniel they remember.
“S-sorry,” I stutter, I never stuttered on Vis-u-ban, but I’ve been doing it a lot around here, I’m a lot more nervous here. “It… it just came to me.”
Maybe Jack’s right. I’m not ready yet, I should go back to my room where I’m safe - it’s safe, I mean it’s safe, because … Hell I can’t even face it myself can I? Oh god I don’t know how to do this!
“It’s alright okay, calm down.” I feel Jack’s hands covering mine, pulling them away from my face. “No one said this would be easy.”
I’m looking at him with not an inch between us, I don’t remember stopping and covering my eyes, but I’m sure it must look a right sight on the security cameras.
“Let’s not give the security guys anymore of a show and get to my truck.” Jack says really slowly, like one wrong word would set me off again. “It is black by the way.” He adds, practically pulling me along side him.
Jesus Christ, I remember he drives a truck and have a nervous breakdown, how the hell am I going to cope with the rest?
“You’ll be fine, Daniel.” Jack answers my question, though I’m puzzled how, since I never really asked it. I must just look a wreck.
We finally reach his truck, and the two people hovering next to it. “Hey guys, been waiting long?”
He’s brought back up. Makes sense, this way they can all talk around me and avoid any tense silences my amnesic brain causes. Peachy.
“Indeed we have O’Neill.”
“Sorry T, had to wait for Danny boy here to pick his outfit.”
That’s the second time Jack’s called me Danny in the space of an hour.
“Daniel Jackson, it is agreeable to see you again.” Teal’c nods at me and I instinctually greet him in the same way.
Sam’s up next, out of all three of my supposed friends’ she is the most pensive. Again, like with Jack, I feel a strong connection to this woman. I’ve already asked what we had between us. She said we were really good friends’, but I have this awful feeling I’ve done something to upset her and like I said to her before, I’m scared I don’t have it in me to make up for it.
My daydreaming ends with Sam shyly in front of me, her arms open wide. I, in what I’m coming realise is my usual stance, am just standing frozen with indecision. Luckily for me she’s the take-charge kind of girl and wraps me up in a hug. The mere feel of her hands is enough to make me relax. My cheek brushes hers and suddenly I know there is definitely nothing sexual between us, as if offering conformation her hand runs the length of my back in consistent strokes. I feel comforted, and more importantly I know I’m safe. Maybe this trip won’t be so scary after all.
“C’mon kids, Daniel’s on Curfew so let’s get going.” I hear someone, likely Jack open the truck, and get in, shutting one of the doors.
Sam lets me go with a smile, she looks a hell of lot happier than she did upon our arrival, one hug truly does speak a thousand words - wait a minute…
“What curfew?” Damn it Daniel, stop with the questions, you’re going to drive them nuts!
I climb into the back seat behind Jack and patiently wait for my answer.
“Jack,” I say after no one speaks up. I don’t know why I won’t listen to myself. My mind keeps telling me to shut the hell up, but my mouth has other plans.
Apparently Jack seems to agree with my mind and completely ignores my question. “So guys, Pikes Peak sound okay?”
“What’s that?” Sounds interesting, and I’m pleased to note the pinch of dread that was left in my stomach has sunk down far enough to allow me the small pleasure of enjoying myself. I’ve forgotten what it was I was just thinking about. “What’s there?”
“Well, lots of things, I guess we thought if you looked around something might seem familiar.” Sam said, sitting next to me.
“Where is it?”
“Daniel?” Jack barks all of a sudden, silencing me most efficiently. “Why don’t we wait till we get there, huh?”
He’s patronising me again, I feel my lip curl downward and work frantically to stop it, but Jack has eyes in the back of his head evidently because I can tell he’s laughing at me.
The truck pulls forward and I feel the butterflies swimming around inside me as we exit the parking garage into the bright outdoors, so I sit back to gaze silently out of the window. The sky is a perfect blue, white clouds mingling together, from the looks of the landscape it’s very similar to Vis-u-ban, where the not quite desert atmosphere presents hills for miles. Everyone remains quiet and Teal’c turns up the radio. That’s the funny thing about amnesia that I’ve come to notice. I know what a radio is as much as I’m pretty sure if I sat behind a wheel of a car I’d know how to drive it. I’m not going to gaze in wonderment at the street lighting either. What I’ve lost is not practical knowledge, its personal stuff, like what I’ve done, who I’ve been with - it’s my identity.
Teal’c asks Jack a question about the song playing, Jack doesn’t appear to care, but Sam pipes up with the answer. Soon enough there’s a whole conversation going on around me. To sum things up, so far I think I’m doing okay. My fear of the unknown has retreated far enough that I can no longer understand where it came from in the first place. My relationships with these guys outwardly seem to be improving. Teal’c is probably the most foreign to me, though I suspect there has always been a formality between us. He strikes me as that type of guy. Sam I’m now confident, is my confidant, I feel like, even now, I could tell her anything. I’m considering on letting her know just how not fine I really am. Then, of course, there’s Jack. He’s obtuse, condescending, and sarcastic… and caring, it may only be three words out of every conversation, but it’s there. In the corridor on our way out, he slipped into our conversation ‘I’ll be here’, three words that make the difference between indifference and concern. I’m still working on it with Jack, but I’ll take anything over the pained carefulness he’s been showing towards me since I walked into this life three days ago. Despite my occasional misgivings, the fact that I know next to nothing about these people, and my random panic attacks, I really like it here.
*
“Welcome to the Springs Danny my lad.” I told myself quite sternly that I wouldn’t get my hopes up on this trip.
Daniel bolts to attention in the back seat, staring out the window with a look of amazement twinned with clueless fascination. I don’t know what’s worse, Daniel in a panic because he remembered I drove a truck or Daniel staring at the back streets of Colorado Springs like it’s the Valley of the Kings.
In some ways I feel like I’ve got a different Danny back - not Daniel. My Daniel was the guy who knew what I was thinking before I even thought it. Daniel took pains to laugh at my jokes, even when he found them tiresome and was the perfect ying to my yang in social situations, always on hand with a witty remark to quell my annoyance with the most irritating of folk. Daniel never hid anything from me and was a lot of fun. This Daniel incarnation isn’t quite right. I don’t know how to deal with him when he’s all calm and taking all this in his stride when I know my Daniel would have been a visible wreck, relying on me to sort all this out with him. I guess that sound’s a little self righteous, I’m basically saying I’m angry because at probably one of the most scary moments of his life Daniel is doing alright and doesn’t appear to need me.
Well damn right I’m mad, I’m mad because over the past year I’ve gone to hell and back worrying over him, missing him and here he is in front of me, supposedly not giving a damn. Just like the snot nosed kid that wandered into Cheyenne Mountain all those years ago, on a tenuous invitation to solve an unsolvable mystery. He was obnoxious, single-minded and so unbelievably naive I remember wondering how the hell he made that far in life.
Now here he is, handling it all by his self, and doesn’t need my help. It’s like he’s never even met me. Says it all doesn’t it.
“O’Neill, if I may ask, what you are thinking?”
Teal’c’s an intuitive guy, only wish I could accept things as easily as he seems to. The guy is so laid back he’s practically horizontal half the time. I work to give that impression, but inside I’m so tensed up I can’t even bend to tie my shoelaces.
“I’m thinking that we need to stop for donuts.”
Chapter 2
“You comfy back there, Carter?” Normally, and by that I mean one year ago, I would think the Colonel’s having way too much fun at Daniel’s expense. But today it’s different. This is the first time I’ve seen him unconditionally happy in a very long time.
When Major Coburn practically paraded Daniel out in front of us I could scarcely believe my eyes. I’ve never seen Jack so open, unguarded…unprepared. I could have cried just by seeing the look on his face, let alone Daniel, as solid as rock walking toward us.
Our initial reunion lasted all of two minutes. Not exactly the mush fest I would have liked. He wouldn’t even let me touch him. He didn’t know any of us. Daniel walked right passed us, his head ducked down low. I’ve never seen that look on him before, and I realised he was as much a stranger to us as we were to him. We watched him go, and with the original mission gone completely out of our heads I immediately started asking questions. How long had Daniel been there, what has he said to them…is he okay? The Colonel joined in and asked the one question I was trying to avoid for dignities sake, ‘Why was he naked?’
“Carter, you listening to me?”
“Of course, sir.” I blink a few times and get myself under control. I’m in the back seat of the Colonel’s truck with Daniel - dressed in kakis and a pull over, not blue robes that bring out his eyes - asleep, his head resting on my shoulder. He hadn’t started off that way, but after a sharp left gravity just took its course.
“O’Neill, I believe your volume will wake Daniel Jackson.”
“He’s fine.”
Yeah, he is fine. For now. I know he’s frightened, who wouldn’t be I guess? I also know he’s doing his best to hide the fact, although I haven’t found an appropriate avenue to approach him on it yet. Today went well, Daniel said some things that suggest there’s a memory or two in there somewhere, but if he noticed he never said. My eyes start stinging again; I’ve missed him so much.
**
“Big day huh?”
I nod.
“Remember anything yet?”
I want to nod, but don’t see the point of kidding myself or them. After spending only one day with these three I now know they deserve more than me trying to pass myself off as Daniel Jackson.
“Well, don’t worry, like Carter says - it’ll probably take time.” Jack, Jim or who ever the hell he is, wants to shake the shit out of me right now. I can tell by the tiresome look he’s had about all he can stand. Yet somehow he’s keeping the urge on simmer and making an extreme effort to be as nice and positive as possible.
“Yeah,” my reply is distant and I feel all the worse for it, for it mirrors my very mood. At first things were scary - but at least they felt real, like I was living every moment as it came in full techno colour. Now I feel like a stranger in my own body - isn’t that the truth - watching from a back seat as someone much more capable drives.
The next sound I hear is the door to my room catching on the latch. Jack has gone, leaving me alone once again with my thoughts and the frightening reality that I truly know nothing about myself.
**
If it’s possible. That’s what Carter said. If. Daniel left a year ago and may never be coming back. I backed out of the room the same way I always do, so to avoid saying goodbye or goodnight or any kind of formal parting. I never want to say goodbye to him again. I reach the turn in the corridor, hands in pockets ready to turn in, when I hear something that gives me pause.
“Jack!”
I turn around and find Daniel running to catch up. Hel-lo what’s this, could it be the slightest hint of emotion under that mask of stone? By the time he reaches me Daniel’s panting and coughing like he has a twenty a day habit. I wait for him, a smile teetering on my lips, even though my bones ache and all I want to think about is my couch.
When he doesn’t stop coughing, that’s when I begin to worry. “You okay? What happened?”
“I’m okay - I think - just wanted to thank you.” He wants to thank me. Great. Stuttering he explains further. “I m-mean I know it wu-wasn’t your idea, to-to take me out - it wasn’t your idea and I know that, so… thank you.”
I wait, making sure he’s done. “You’re welcome.” I don’t think I showed enough warmth to his obvious sentiment. In fact I know I didn’t. He knows it wasn’t my idea? How the hell is it that he knows that, but nothing else?
He shuffles and wanders back the way he came, and I watch him go, not liking the sound of that cough.
“Daniel.” I call at the last minute. “There’s something we forgot to do…”
Yeah, okay I lied. I engaged him most of the way to the infirmary, the distraction sufficient enough to get us both to where I think he needs to be.
“I’m not sure this is necessary.” Daniel hedges, getting comfy on the edge of one of the beds.
“Trust me, knowing you its necessary.” I worry okay, sue me.
Daniel, if I’m not mistaken, actually rolls his eyes and sighs. I remember THAT look alright. “It’s just a cough. It comes and goes.”
“Daniel,” Doc interrupts, “stick out your tongue.”
Daniel gives Doc a long-suffering glance, he’s irritated and I’m damn glad to see it, of course I realise it’s only because he’s probably tired.
“Okay.” Janet stands back and scribbles on a chart.
“Doc?”
“He has strep, a few antibiotics and you’ll be fine.”
“Told you.” Daniel pouts while Doc fetches the medicine.
“Oh shut up, if I hadn’t brought you it would only have gotten worse.” I retort, finding myself much more in tune with Daniel right now, just like the old days.
“He’s right I’m afraid, it seems you’re starting over in more ways than one Dr Jackson.”
“Call me Daniel.” Daniel says wearily, followed fast by a yawn.
Janet pauses from writing and looks like she may break into tears any minute. I’m a little taken aback myself. Daniel hasn’t been standoffish exactly; I’d describe him more as neutral, this offer of friendship as I see it and his earlier whining comments to me are uncharacteristic of the personality we’ve seen so far. It’s a good thing of course, his carefulness is going to crumble one way or the other and I’d rather not have a repeat of any past break downs. I have to wonder what could possibly be going on in that mind of his.
“Take this, it tastes pretty nasty, but you’ll feel much better.” Janet smiles, but has to leave pretty quickly to take care of an emergency.
The ‘gate room alarm is sounding, Daniel looks at me, tells me to go if I need to. There’s been no call for me, so I’m confident they have it under control.
“I’ll walk you back.” I answer.
And that’s exactly what I did. We reach his room and for the first time I hang around long enough to see the truth behind the façade he’s created. I knew he’d not been sleeping peacefully, but looking at the room in detail I can tell the covers don’t look like they’ve ever been drawn back, like he’s sitting around here, mind spinning with god knows what, until exhaustion finally takes him. I should have bought a clue yonks ago, but denial had its hold over me and well… I guess I was a little mad. Daniel has that affect on me; I love him to pieces, so much so I want to strangle him, especially when he does things I know he shouldn’t. It’s bloody hard to care so much for someone and have to stand back and let them make their own mistakes, but that’s life - how we all learn. Then he died and I wished I’d told him to stay, not to give up. How that moment has haunted me for the last year I couldn’t possibly describe, but I knew, deep deep down, he had to find his own way. I had as much right over his life as he did over mine. Of course, this was nothing like a kid wanting to tour Europe instead of college like the doting parents planned; Daniel had already done that without finding his niche and was aiming for greater heights. What I need to be thankful for now is that he found his way back, he’s come home.
Way too much introspection for me for one night, I need to leave - now.
Daniel shuffles around in the bathroom then suddenly reappears, I don’t think he even remembers I’m here, just walks straight past me and collapses on the bed. He hasn’t noticed I’ve drawn the sheets back either and within minutes is fast asleep.
I know I should leave. He’s expecting me to see myself out like I normally do - no goodbyes. Well I don’t say goodbye, I’m close to him for the first time in over a year, and I’m ashamed to say I take advantage. I can’t be like this when he’s awake and aware, so while he’s past out I pull covers over him and sit down next to his bed to watch him sleep. We’re having the mission briefing on the plan to trick Anubis tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us from here, I’ve got to focus my energy else where for now, I can only hope he understands why.
**
One month later, Anubis is defeated, Jonas has gone home (finally), and all is right at the SGC…. Isn’t it?
“YOU remember?” Jack’s shown up to collect me for dinner and is NOT in a good mood. “I’ve spoken to Teal’c, he’s told me what you said to Jonas.”
I shrug on a jacket I found stuffed deep in the back of the closet. It’s denim and doesn’t look too formal, yet still smart. I decide anything will work as long as it isn’t motel green.
“I have remembered a few things, just bits and pieces really.” And it’s not as helpful as you’d think. In some ways bits and pieces can be worse. Certainly feel worse. I find it strange though that during the weeks it took to put the plan into action I spent all my time with Jack, Sam and Teal’c, remembering next to nothing of significance. Yet I spend a few hours trapped aboard a ship with Jonas and I’m remembering conversations I had with him as well as a few other things about his planet. Already asked Janet, she seems to believe this is a good sign because apparently what I have remembered is mostly what happened right before I ascended and therefore everything is all right honky fricken’ dory.
I take the jacket off again and toss it across the bed. I liked it, but frankly I just need to throw something, my temper getting the better of me in the face of clear adversity. On the plus side Jack’s stopped pacing the room like a rabid animal.
“What was that?” He questions cautiously.
“Nothing. It was nothing.” I scoop up the jacket once more and sling it over my arm, too frustrated to actually put it on. “I got talking to Jonas while we were hiding from Jaffa, I told him I remembered because I felt like I owed it to him.”
Crap, crap! That was so lame, he’ll never buy it.
“Let’s go.” Jack says coolly, holding the door open for me.
He brought it. Oh my.
We left the mountain and met up with Teal’c and Sam on schedule. My crack about getting paid came up, Jack using it as a way to announce my official reinstatement as a member of the SGC and SG-1. The news cheered everyone up considerably, Janet Fraiser - a surprise guest who joined us for drinks after dinner didn’t find this news surprising in the least. Me thinks’ she’s one of those people always in the know. I’ll have to remember that, maybe buy her a drink when I do finally get paid.
The evening sailed by, after drinks I got kissed by two women, Teal’c got real deep and told me how much my friendship meant to him, finished off with a bone-squeezing hug then left without turning back. As far as I know he lives on base too and I was about to chase after him, wanting to catch a lift when Jack pulled me backwards.
It was just him and me now, and I had misgivings about that. “Thought you were angry with me.”
“Now you listen to me…” He says very sternly, I look down to focus on a spot on the dirty floor. He doesn’t speak for a long while, giving me too a long a time to think about when I’ve heard those words before…
He ordered me to kill him. He said he wasn’t getting out and that I should blow the ship. Mechanical bugs, Replicators - that’s what they’re called - are everywhere. He doesn’t want to die that way and he’s looking at me through the camera, knowing I’m there looking right back. He asks me a second time. I freeze, I can’t, I don’t want to. I’m in denial and panic and distress all at once. The bugs take him down and he sees the camera and lunges for it because he doesn’t want me to see his final moments. He doesn’t want me to witness yet another death of someone close to me…
“Daniel?” Jack grabs me under the arms as I pitch forward, the others have already left so there’s no one else to help.
I’m aware of what’s happening; my legs have completely given out beneath me and I can do squat about it. Stuck in my own mind - my memory on a loop, it never ends. Jack obviously survives; he’s here holding me up after all, but how? Bugs, ships blowing up, Jack yelling at me to listen.
“Daniel listen to me, snap out of it.”
Oh, actually that’s now. And suddenly just like that I snap out of my trance at Jack’s command to do so. “Jack.”
“Oh thank God.” He mutters not so quietly, the next table pause in their conversation to stare at us.
Jack has seated me down in the nearest chair. He’s crouching down in front of me, looking as worried as hell and probably causing allsorts of damage to his knees. I try to stand, but he pushes back at me.
“I’m sorry what were you saying?” I try as politely as possible.
Jack laughs a little, “Daniel what the hell happened there?”
“Oh that.” I swallow, keeping myself in check. “I – I guess I remembered something.”
I smile a little sadly. This has taken me by surprise, the emotion left by the memory alone makes me feel a little lost and lonely at the moment. I can see Jack’s alive, right here in front of me, but I can’t shake the idea that he died right in front of me and the feeling that leaves, my god I feel like I’ve been torn apart. Like I’ve lost everything that matters too me.
I’d not realised it, but, while contemplating my thoughts and trapped within my head once again, Jack had managed to walk me outside into the brisk cold night. The snow has stopped falling and there’s a fine white covering over the ground.
We stand leaning against a wall outside while Jack zips up my jacket.
“Thanks Jack.” I whisper gratefully.
He looks up, sensing a difference in my tone, but unable to place it and utters an equally quiet, “your welcome.”
I’m feeling a little more normal now. Some of the irritation from earlier is coming back as the memory I just experienced slips away, I try to get back on track and pretend like nothing happened. “What were you saying before?”
Jack looks puzzled, as if questioning my sanity, then his expression changes to one of humour. It’s scarier than his angry face. “I’m going to get angry with you. I’m mad with the things you do on a regular basis, trust me on this.” He pauses.
I dare to look him in the eye and I’m surprised by what I find. Jack looks at me with a lot more than simple pleasantry, he goes on to tell me he wants me safe, that if I ever get the urge to save anyone again I’d better damn well consult him first. We’ve both had a bit to drink, so I try to put it down to two guys totally trolleyed, but a warm feeling that relights a desperate need for me to recover my missing memories resurfaces. Daniel Jackson was loved, and I need to find him again, not only for my own sake, but for theirs. I owe them.
*
Tap, Tap, Tap, Somebody’s knocking on my door. Well, like the Raven said… nevermore. Interesting guy, this Edgar, have to wonder why I have the book though, I don’t feel like a poetry guy. Huh. Maybe… and my hunch pays off, checking the inner sleeve I find what I suspected. This book belongs to someone else - like most of my stuff apparently - the original owner being Melbourne Jackson. Ah. My father I presume, well now all I need is a picture and I’ll be all set. My sardonic laughter does nothing to lift the pessimism clouding over me at the moment.
I glare at the box from whence the book came, accompanied by other personal affects’ freshly dug up from Jack’s garage. It was a nice thought, even if my SGC file has more substance to it. I fear I may have come off ungrateful, but then Jack’s method of commiserating, telling me eight years isn’t a long time so I’m lucky to have this much, was a bit of a mood killer.
I reach for the box, planning on dumping it out of sight for the time being, when the tapping starts up again, only more urgent. Uh oh - forgot about the person knocking at my door.
“Daniel?”
I jump up and fling open the door. “Sam!”
She smiles at me, and I smile back, we’re like a couple of grinning idiots until she points to the book in my hand and asks what it is, I stammer, lie and toss it to one side. She either has super powers or respects my privacy and unlike someone else, knows when not to push me, because the subject is dropped and we move on.
“I thought I’d pop by and see how you’re doing. Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I step back a little, can’t believe she felt she had to ask, Jack doesn’t.
Sam walks on in and I leave the door ajar, the guard is no longer present, but now I’ve greeted the great outdoors – and the universe for that matter – I find the room rather claustrophobic.
“Daniel, I’m here to ask you something.” Sam announces. I get the impression this isn’t going to be a good something and sit down.
“Okay.” My nerves have gone again, the shaking in my hands and butterflies in my belly are just the start.
Sam crouches down in front of me, takes my hand, and makes me feel completely vulnerable and pathetic. Is it my hair? I know I need it cutting, but surely a scruffy hair cut can’t be the reason a lot of people are treating me like I can’t tie my own shoe laces. Obviously my show of strength - pretend none of this freaks you out resolve - is completely transparent.
“Daniel, have you had any experience of hypnosis?”
“Hypnosis?” I meant that just in my head.
“It’s where…”
“I know what it is.”
“Oh. Good. Well, I was thinking maybe we could help jog your memory a little.”
“With hypnosis?”
“Oh yeah, under the right conditions it can be quite effective.”
I think it over. I’m not sure I hold an opinion on the idea. “You can do that?”
“Definitely.” Her smile is full of triumph. Then she looks worried and adds. “Well not me, but a specialist can.”
I think it over for a bare second, “You’ll stay with me?” Sam nods. Then I calmly announce, “I’ll do it.”
Despite my wanting to, I don’t sound all that confident. Sam either doesn’t notice, or she’s so pleased she might be a step closer to retrieving the Daniel they all seem to know and love she misses my apprehension. I have the strongest sensation that someone isn’t going to be happy with this…
**
“Carter, what in God’s name were you thinking?” Colonel O’Neill’s words lack the anger implied by them, giving me an opportunity to explain myself.
“General Hammond gave his approval sir.”
“That’s not an explanation.”
No, I’m working up to that.
“God damn-it” His rebuke is accompanied by a hefty slap to the table.
The General heaves in a sigh and backs me up. “Jack, I knew your reaction and frankly that is why I ordered Major Carter to proceed without your involvement.”
The Colonel falls back in his chair and I retake mine, pulling it up to the briefing room table. No more needed to be said on the subject, it wasn’t a decision made lightly, and I did object, but General Hammond is good at seeing the whole picture.
“Colonel, Major Carter approached me first. I arranged for the therapy after we got the go ahead.” Janet’s here too, to defend me and lays it out straight.
The four of us, Janet, General Hammond, the Colonel and myself all sit in silence. We all feel the guilt of what damage may have been caused by our haste and the Colonel is probably kicking himself stupid for being so damned defensive that General Hammond felt it necessary to exclude him like this.
“Yes, but did it have to be him? Did it really have to be Mackenzie?” Colonel O’Neill is the first to speak, breaking the sombre atmosphere. He didn’t sound angry, only disappointed.
“He’s the base psychiatrist.”
“He’s also the quack that locked Daniel up four years ago.” He shoves violently back from the table and turns his back on me, Janet and the General.
“All I’m saying is hypnosis has a marginal success rate in these matters and in the interests of doing what’s best for Daniel, as his doctor, I deemed it worth a try.” What she means is that I’m her friend and she wanted to make me happy, she’s also Daniel’s friend and was probably hoping my idea of a quick fix would be just the thing to get everything back to normal. How stupid could two Air Force Majors be?
“Are you suggesting I don’t want what’s best?”
“No sir, of course not.” I jump in.
“I wanted the first full memories Daniel recovered to be of us. As a team. Happy memories Carter!”
He’s upset, I’m upset, everyone’s upset. Daniel being the worst effected. I can’t blame Colonel O’Neill for yelling, not after listening to the tape of Daniel’s session with Mackenzie. I can still hear it, echoing in my mind, the words haunting me. I don’t know what I had been thinking, Daniel’s memories weren’t exactly all rays of sunshine…
I’d sat with him like I promised, in the corner of the room behind Mackenzie where Daniel could see me. He looked nervous, but not so bad that I would have even considered what was to happen next. He was under within minutes, and I remember thinking how quick the process was. Daniel looked much calmer with his eyes closed, peaceful even. It seemed unnatural. Mackenzie went through the usual test questions before he began the digging process.
“Daniel, I want you to think back to your earliest memory…”
I watched on the edge of my seat, wondering what Daniel might say, hopeful that the one thing this won’t prove is that Daniel has no long term memory to retrieve. Although Janet had said everything was fine, she voiced concerns regarding his long term memory sighting that much of what Daniel had remembered so far happened just prior to the accident and speculated that he really should be continuing to remember now the process had started.
“What do you see, Daniel?”
“Jack.” Daniel answers monotone. I don’t like hearing him so empty and robotic.
“Where are you? Are you with Jack?”
I don’t like the way Dr Mackenzie puts the little affliction on Jack. Maybe it’s just because he’s not used to using the name, or maybe my suspicious mind isn’t so crazy as to believe, considering all the differences they’ve had, Dr Mackenzie still holds a tiny grudge against the Colonel.
“I’m in a room, the walls are white, and Jack’s sitting next to me.”
“Daniel, how do you feel?”
Daniel’s breath starts to quicken and I’m off my chair before I realise. Mackenzie doesn’t turn, but with a hand behind his back indicates I should sit back down.
“I’m scared. Something bad is going to happen to me.”
The session lasted a mere fifteen minutes, and I was glad when it was over. Mackenzie brought Daniel out of the hypnotic state and all seemed to be fine initially. Daniel looked shaken and withdrawn. I had expected him to be a little upset, but when he asked to be left alone I should have trusted the feeling in my gut that said leaving Daniel was a very bad plan. And it turns out my gut instinct was right.
General Hammond leans forward and places both palms flat on the table surface. “The question is people where do we go from here?”
I’m afraid I don’t have much of an answer. Given that my last suggestion has led to Daniel’s disappearance I doubt I could possible contribute anything to his retrieval.
“Carter, it isn’t your fault okay. Daniel’s a wild card, we never knew what he was going to do next, and obviously he still has that charming quality. You couldn’t have predicted this.”
“Thank you, sir.” I don’t feel much better, but I’m glad the Colonel has calmed down and can be rational; he’s probably the only one capable of finding Daniel right now.
“Sir, with your permission?”
“Take Teal’c with you. Bring our boy home, Colonel.”
“Yes sir.”
*
“O’Neill we have been driving for over an hour. I do not believe we will find Daniel Jackson here.” Teal’c says, unnerved with my irate driving in my refusal to give up the search.
“Just one more block.” I say resolutely, I’m not giving up - not by a long shot.
The damning thing is I had been convinced this would be the most likely place an amnesic Daniel would go. Considering what he’d mentioned in that stupid session with Mac the quack, I was sure of it.
“Is the reason you are unwilling to leave because you believe Daniel Jackson to be in immediate danger?” Teal’c tries to understand.
I pause. “Now I do!”
“I apologise O’Neill, it was not my attention to cause you further distress.”
“I’m not distressed…I’m just worried. I worry about him when he’s not lost half his mind for cryin’ out loud…” My last few words are so mumbled I doubt Teal’c even understood them
Teal’c must see the open terror on my face, because he suddenly makes the effort to reassure me I’m not alone in these twisted feelings. “I share your unease, O’Neill.”
“You do?” I turn in my seat. “Don’t think I’m overacting or anything?” I keep my attention for the majority on the road, taking quick glances at the sidewalk and in my rear view mirror looking for Daniel.
“Daniel Jackson does have a tendency to get into a ‘world of trouble’, as General Hammond has said on numerous occasions.”
“The General said that about our Danny? Where was I and why did I miss it?”
“I am uncertain O’Neill.” Teal’c replies flatly. He too resumes scanning the area flying past the window as I chuckle to myself in-between comments about General’s and nails in heads.
We circle the block once more and once more find ourselves heading back towards the Cimarron Bridge with no sign of Daniel. My momentary good mood evaporates rather quickly and I remain silent for a few minutes trying to justify my disappointment. No news was good news after…oh what a load of crap. The first forty-eight hours were the most important, and that deadline was fast expiring. I never dared ask Carter what happened afterwards, had a feeling I didn’t want to know.
“I guess you were right T, we should head back, see if Carter’s had any luck.”
“O’Neill!” Teal’c yells, throwing open the passenger door while my truck’s still in motion.
I slammed on the breaks immediately, the minute Teal’c shouted, but that obviously wasn’t enough for the Jaffa.
“Teal’c what the hell?” I shout back, once I get the truck stopped and under control.
There was only a thin layer of snow on the ground, but it was clear by the rate the stuff was falling it would be several feet deep by morning. I quickly get out and chase after Teal’c, slamming the truck door behind me.
“Teal’c I thought we resolved this jumping out of moving vehicles thing?”
Teal’c holds his hand up to halt me in my place. I stand back as advised, and haven’t a clue what the hell is going on until I see him.
“Jesus Daniel, what in Gods name do you think you’re doing?” I storm the few feet down the ally, coming up close and personal with Daniel, a little frostbitten, but looking in relatively one piece. “You’ve lost your memory not your mind! Even you at your most clueless is well aware you’re not supposed to wander a strange city in the middle of the night, let alone walk down dark alley ways-” I’m pissed off and Daniel sure best understand what that spells for him when we get him home.
“O’Neill.” Teal’c admonishes quietly, before I can continue with my rant.
“WHAT?” I shout back, looking at Teal’c.
Teal’c did nothing more than incline his head in Daniel’s direction.
“Ah crap.” I take a deep breath, willing the anger I’m feeling out of my system. I’m only bawling Daniel out through worry. I used to do it all the time; Daniel normally took it in his stride, aware that no matter what, yelling was the worse thing I would ever do to him. At the moment however, Daniel looks scared shitless and by his look alone I know I’m the one scaring him.
“Teal’c, keep an eye on my truck will ya? We’ll be along in a minute.” I say as casually as possible, walking passed Teal’c towards Daniel - who looks like he might run any second.
Teal’c takes the hint and retreats to the truck, leaving me to talk to Daniel, alone.
Listening to Teal’c’s footfalls, crunching in the newly fallen snow, fills the silent gap between us temporarily. A few cars drive by, their headlights bouncing off the ally walls as they carry on passed the pulled over SUV with its hazards flashing. “Daniel I’m sorry.” I say keeping my voice as gentle and non-threatening as possible.
I’m going to need Daniel to trust me if we’re going to bring him back to the base willingly. I don’t want to have to force him or give him any more bad memories, but I’m willing to do it, push come to shove Daniel isn’t leaving my sight tonight.
“I’m not going to hurt you I promise.” I let those words register before continuing. “I don’t want anyone else hurting you either.”
Daniel stands, arms still tightly gripping his wet jacket. I hope he understands I’m only doing this for him.
**
The snow is falling into my hair and my toes are numb. All I wanted to do was to go home, was it too much to ask after what I’ve been through? Only problem was I didn’t know where home was, which is why I’ve been wandering the streets for five hours not knowing what to do with myself. I know it was stupid to come out alone in a snowstorm, and I had expected someone from the base to come after me as soon as they realised I was missing. What I hadn’t expected was to be yelled at quite so forcefully. I don’t know how old I am, but I’m certain I’m definitely too old to be shouted at like that.
“My name is Jack.” Jack takes a couple of steps closer. “I’m your friend. Do you remember that?”
What? Does he think I’m slow or something? We already covered this weeks ago. My anger makes to over take everything else, I’m all set with a smart ass come back to that ridiculous statement when - bam - Dr Mackenzie’s session is front and foremost in my mind - I’m reverted back to tears and slight trembling in the blink of an eye.
“I did something wrong.” I blurt all of a sudden, my voice grainy with emotion and the cold.
**
I wanted to say ‘damn right’ but had a strange feeling Daniel wasn’t talking about leaving the mountain. “You’ve done nothing wrong Daniel.”
Daniel begins to fidget, moving from foot to foot to keep warm. He looks at the floor obviously trying to put his most recent recovered memory into perspective. I can see the tears pooling in his eyes just from thinking about it.
“I remember a room, its white. You were there. These people are holding me down. I must have done something wrong because they… they’re yelling and I was struggling and you’re watching,” his voice breaks, “and you’re not helping me.”
I close my eyes and let out another sigh. Of all the detailed memories he could’ve regained first it had to be one that would call him to question our motives.
“Daniel, it’s not how it seems.” I try to explain, heart in throat, but I can see Daniel isn’t convinced. “Okay it’s pretty bad, but trust me, what happened then - what you remember happening - happened a whopping four years ago and believe me it was not your fault. Understand?”
“Not really.” He answers honestly. I think he might have smiled a little, but I put it down to wishful thinking.
“That’s okay, we can work on it. That and get you warm and into dry clothes. Just come back to the base with me, please?” I hold out my hand, waiting for him to decide whether or not to trust me, and gods knows in our entire relationship I never saw this moment coming.
“What am I too you?” Daniel asks, suspicion lacing his tone.
Broadsided with that loaded question I stumble momentarily. I wrestle with how to answer, then, smiling sadly, I know the truth will serve me best. “You’re very special.”
Having got that out without the world ending (as I so often thought it would) I indicate my hand once again and encourage Daniel to take it.
Daniel stares at it, the palm open and inviting, and processes the alternatives. He can’t think of any really good ones and has got to be so tired, not to mention cold, that what I seem to be offering sounds okay. One very quick and decisive step forward and Daniel grasps my hand.
Walking back out of the ally together Daniel says, “I get the feeling you’re going to be embarrassed you said that once I remember everything.”
“Tell anybody what I said and I’ll have to kill you.” I wave Teal’c over, telling him to get in the truck. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I’m just glad to be taking Daniel back in one piece.
**
We re-enter the mountain at a little after midnight. Jack drove like a maniac, sending my empty stomach into flips that would have made an Olympic gymnast proud. Teal’c and Jack stayed very quiet throughout our trip over snow covered mountain roads, at first I thought it was because they were still mad with me, making them spend their evening chasing after a stupid amnesiac instead of doing whatever it is a Jaffa and Colonel do. Then, after Jack nearly skidded into a ditch going round a sharp corner, I realised they weren’t ticked - they were tired. Jack had some serious dark rings under his eyes, and Teal’c wasn’t looking much better. While I was gallivanting all over Colorado Springs they were worried sick.
Now, walking down the SGC corridor, towards the briefing room where apparently the General is still waiting to see me, I can’t help but mull over how badly I’ve let them down. They look like they’ve had the worst week of their life’s all in one day. And it’s all my fault, I’ve done this to them.
We’re nearly there and I can feel my heart racing, thudding loud in my chest like a vessel’s about to burst. Jack must see the apprehension because he drops back a step and pulls on my sleeve. I’m about to finally give in and tell him the truth about the last couple of weeks when Sam appears from around the corner.
“You found him!” She practically screams, advancing on me.
I bottle out of coming clean, finding renewed energy reserves I turn tail and make a run for it, a run that doesn’t get me very far because there’s a Jaffa blocking my escape route.
“Carter, don’t crowd him.” I hear Jack snide.
He’s being very reasonable, considering how trying I’ve been. I had another two or three more episodes in the truck on the way back to the mountain - each one sending me further and further into a state of perpetual panic - I’m not behaving at my best. That whole façade I had going? Completely out the window, I don’t even think telling Jack my reason’s for behaving the way I have will appease for all I’ve put them through today. Hypnosis sounded so possible, I should have listened to the voice inside my head that told me it wouldn’t all turn up roses.
So, let’s review, shall we? I’ve recalled that at some point in my life the people I’m closest to locked me up in a nut house, I’ve been addicted to more than one alien technology and had my body possessed just as many times. So far I’ve learned nothing useful about me personally, aside from the fact I’m obviously easily led and have poor impulse control - not qualities to brag about.
I pull myself out of my inner workings in time to catch Jack snapping again.
“Carter, will you leave it alone, you’ve done enough.”
Oh hey, I can’t let him talk to her like that, not because of me. “Jack it isn’t her fault. I wanted to give hypnosis a try as much as Sam did.”
Jack turns on me, looking like he’s had about all he can take from me. Despite the rather nice things he said out in the snow. For whatever reason the look doesn’t faze me. I continue. “And anyway it was my choice to make god damn it! I mean okay, maybe it would have been good to have a little forewarning as to the sort of thing we apparently do around here. How was I supposed to know this whole danger thing was a regular occurrence, nobody ever said, in fact you’ve all gone out of your way to prevent me from knowing anything! And mission reports? Waste. Of. Time. I read those things inside and out for cryin’ out loud…” My tirade fades as I finally gaze upon the people surrounding me.
Jack’s eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling, Sam and Teal’c are having a frowning competition and Siler, who turned up somewhere in-between, turns right around and walks the other way. I feel I may have unleashed a side of me that no one here is going to accept and now I have probably destroyed all chances of ever becoming their Daniel Jackson.
**
I can scarcely believe it, where’s that cowering, nervous, overly panicky shell of unusual calm that’s been traipsing around here? It’s the first time since having him back that honest to god anger builds up inside me, along with the urge to ring the little shits neck and I love it! My boy is back.
“Welcome home Daniel.” Carter walks up and lands a smacker on his cheek.
Daniel looks a little bemused by our reaction, but I couldn’t agree more, “C’mere.”
Carter moves to the side and I grab Daniel up so tight it isn’t funny. With both arms preoccupied the only thing left to do is land a smacker of my own. Like I haven’t seen Teal’c do it a thousand times before - no one will dare judge me for finally being able to celebrate getting my friend back. I’ve missed him so much, hell I depend on him just being there for me. Someone I can focus my energy on and look out for. Someone who needs me.
**
Jack drops me like a sack of potatoes and steps back to stand side by side with Sam. I don’t like the way they’re both grinning like idiots, like doting parents who’s first born has just done something adorable. I am NOT adorable and I’m thinking I should send a memo out to that affect.
I don’t have a chance to speak that part of my mind before Teal’c takes his turn at stepping forward. He gives me a hug, but bypasses on the kiss, not wanting to enter Jack’s territory no doubt.
“I’m pleased you have rejoined us Daniel Jackson.”
So let me get this straight, I’ve been Daniel Jackson this whole damn time, but in trying so hard emulate the Daniel I thought they wanted I suppressed everything they actually like about me? I’ve gone through endless fear and anxiety to fit in with these people and all I needed to do was yell my frustrations out?
“What did I miss?”
“Us?”
“Besides you.” I eye them independently with my scowl, “And will you all please stop smiling at me like that.”
The bastard’s laugh, if you can believe that. I’m half tempted to give them all another piece of my mind, then a memory slides into place, this one doesn’t throw me into a panic attack, it slips its way through as if it had been there all long, more like temporarily misplaced than ever lost. They know the smiling winds me up. It’s not a new thing because I came back to them, they always treat me like an adorable wayward child and by their reactions I’ve obviously given them the ‘I’m not adorable speech’ before.
“I believe General Hammond would want us to report to the briefing room.”
“I believe your right Teal’c.”
Jack walks off first, but eventually they all go, leaving me standing gob smacked in the middle of an SGC hallway. It’s the first time I’ve been left alone since I got here. Thinking I should have just blown up at them all weeks ago, I rush to catch up. After all, I’m not so sure I want to be alone anymore.
Fin.