Diaphragmatic
Spasms
By:
Artemis
Email:
[email protected]
The
meeting-room wall was pied with a tangled assortment of colors; a big blob Jack
would have called it, but Daniel had labeled it ‘Slide Number Five.’ Those
patches of color were actually enlarged, slightly unfocused, primitive drawings
from a cave on P3X-3542. If Jack squinted enough, he thought he could
actually see a buffalo in there somewhere and maybe a little guy that reminded
him of the stick figure Daniel had drawn the day he cracked the mystery behind
the Stargate. The same enthusiasm that he’d shown then
was being shown right now, with his metal collapsible
pointer
dashing this way and that across the multicolored slide. Musical conductors had
nothing on Dr. Daniel Jackson.
Swishing his pointer around a
specific symbol that resembled a triangle, Daniel momentarily faced his
audience, comprising four people.
”It’s
just like the symbol of Earth that we use for gate travel. The tribe must have
seen the glyphs of the Stargate. It’s the only likely
source; though the rest of their writing is pictographically based, it has
nothing to do with constellations.” Just as Daniel finished his sentence, he
hiccupped, quite loudly.
Three
pairs of eyes that had been steadily watching the presentation now involuntarily
focused on him even more. The other individual, whose head was
supported on an uplifted hand, perked up too. Jack was normally the one to break
the silence so he let his exaggerated ‘could you repeat that last part’ poise do
all the talking. Daniel made to continue when the phone in
“Excuse me Dr. Jackson,” he spoke as he rose from his chair at the head of the
table. “I’m sure the report will be enough or perhaps we’ll schedule another
meeting.” Turning once more to face them before he entered his office, catching
Jack aborting a head thump against the table, he dismissed the team.
“Daniel, I say you just heave the rest into the report. I’m sure we’d be fine
without the additional meeting,” Jack said.
“Jack, I have ten slides left.”
“Then doodle them on the report. You know how
Teal’c looked over to both of them, once more puzzled by O’Neill’s faulty
reference. “I believe they were gifts to General Hammond, from his youngest
family members. Otherwise, there are no other pictures for his personal
preference.”
“Careful T. I think I saw his wife in one of those
frames.”
Hup!
Once again, everyone looked to Daniel, including Sam who was organizing her
folder. She filled a cup with water on her way over to him, handing it with a
smile of sympathy.
“I don’t know if water helps but if not, try slowly sipping a glass of warm
water mixed with a teaspoon of vinegar. I wouldn’t rely too much on the age-old
cures like drinking water upside down.” With that, she quickly stopped papers
from falling out of her folder and headed down the stairs. Almost at the bottom,
she said a bit louder, “And it works better when you drink the water from the
far side of the glass.”
Just as Daniel was about to thank her, he hiccupped again. Blinking his eyes in
annoyance, he went to retrieve his slides and papers. Jack noticed he left his
cup of water on the railing (Wouldn’t do to have this fall on some
unsuspecting person down below) and rescued it, moving over to the table
where the coffee and its supplements were. Grabbing a spoon, he decided to stir
in something that was both a sure remedy and made the water tastier.
As the archaeologist stacked things here and there, Teal’c approached him with
an inquisitive look. Then again, Daniel thought, that’s the way Teal’c looks most of the time. Especially
with Jack around.
“I never completely understood the reasons nor the symptoms of your current
ailment DanielJackson.” It was funny how he didn’t ask
a question but merely prompted people into the duty of informing.
“It’s like this Teal’c – ” Jack strode forward and
handed the cup to Daniel before facing Teal’c with hands in pockets. “Hiccups
kinda pop out of nowhere and have to do with the
diaphragm.” Daniel looked over to Jack with open surprise. “Something with the pressure.”
Hiccupping, Daniel added, “It’s also diaphragmatic
irritation.” He never thought to hear a word like diaphragm out of Jack – it
sounded too medical.
“Imagine Daniel’s that stuffed turtle from the other day.” A hand came out in a
sweeping gesture to welcome the imagery. “You squeeze its stomach and it
squeaks. Hiccups are like that.”
That was more along the not-so-straight lines Daniel expected from his CO, but
Teal’c strangely straightened his head as if no longer confused.
“No, they’re not,” Daniel said,
expecting the ensuing counterpoint.
“Are.”
“Not. – Hup! –
” Jack had now started tapping against the cup that lay un-sipped
in his hand. “Why a turtle? And, on a safe guess, what were Teal’c and you doing
in a toy store?”
“Are. Glasses. Coincidence.”
“Perhaps you should join us next time DanielJackson.”
Hup!
“That’d be
a yes. Daniel, I don’t hear you gulping,” Jack warned with a saccharine smile.
Daniel then did in fact gulp the small amount of water down, taking the extra
delight in licking his lips afterward. “Thought you’d like
it. I bet that’s all – ”
Hup!
Before Daniel could do more than contain his urge to stomp his foot, Jack was
already making another, stronger brew for his hiccups. Teal’c wished them the
best of luck in their endeavor and left.
“We should get going too,” Jack commented. “I don’t want the general thinking we
could get used to staying longer in this room. And with the NID coming in, he’ll
think I’m staying late to label the sugar and salt wrong.” A small
hiccup-strangled laugh startled Jack somewhat as he spared an amused glance at
Daniel.
“Well, if that ever happened, we would know it wasn’t you,” Daniel said,
accepting the cup when Jack gave it to him. “ –
Hup! –
Surely a Special Ops. Colonel could come up with more
elaborate schemes. Four years in training… ” Anyone who didn’t know Daniel would
only see the serious face but Jack recognized the reluctant pulls of a smirk.
“Daniel. Drink up.” The teasing look remained on the youthful face even as he
obediently stopped to sip his cup. “If Maybourne ever
accidentally croaks, it’ll be an epic accident. Not one
involving tea stirring with his pals. Just you wait if he and I ever get
stranded out somewhere. My six years of training will pay off.”
Daniel actually worried a bit for Maybourne but
smirked when Jack did. He didn’t want a run in with the NID if they were indeed
coming up soon, so he started collecting the things he had stacked neatly on the
table into his arms. When he drank more water he hiccupped as he swallowed, and
half-choked.
“I hear the infirmary’s nice this time of year. I have to go down anyway so I
might as well take you along to say hello.”
“Jack…”
“I happen to know that for people with
respiratory conditions, hiccups can be worse than normal. The infirmary happens
to be the place where you can treat that, so that’s where we’re
going.”
“Jack,” Daniel tried
again.
The person to whom the objecting voice
was directed manhandled the papers and the box away from the archaeologist.
“I’ll take those. You just keep
gulping. Fraiser will know what to do about your
squeakiness.” Jack looked contemplative for a second as they walked down the
stairs, side by side. “That sounds like a royal title.”
“Jack, the last thing I need – Hup! – right now is a nickname,” Daniel tried
with more than a little tiredness.
“It’s not a nickname, it’s a royal
title. Appreciate the difference.”
“And I don’t squeak.”
“You kinda do. But it’s a cool kind, not
a…”
Daniel started drinking the contents of the little cup as he waited, only
half-grimacing at its sweetness.
“Okay,” Jack started off pleasingly, “not the kind of a stuffed
animal.”
“Thank you.” The comment was somewhat sarcastic, somewhat
sincere.
“More like a rubber duck.”
“Jaaack. It’s the same
thing.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before the embodied forms could even turn the corner, Fraiser knew the pair coming to visit. The voices, their
short and immediate exchanges and the insistent vs. reasonable tones were all
too recognizable.
“Jack, I hardly think I need Dr. Fraiser for this.”
“She’s a doctor. That’s what she’s here
for.”
Janet paused in her clipboard
scribbling. Colonel O’Neill’s serious tone concerning her medical expertise was
at a complete opposite to his earlier so-called emergency for supplies. She
pressed the clipboard to her side as she turned to regard her newcomers.
“Colonel, Daniel – how may I help you?”
The men stopped their bantering, though Daniel was still wearing the
after-effects of the repartee, looking slightly peeved. Could the Colonel have
really bothered him so much this early in the morning? Suddenly, Daniel seemed
to remember something and consequently, looked accusingly at the Colonel.
“I don’t need to be here.”
Fraiser was familiar with this as
well.
“Don’t mind him Doc. He’s being rude because he’s in a bit of a fix.” Jack
finished off with a grin as Daniel hiccupped. Setting all of Daniel’s things on
a tray with medical supplies, he headed to an infirmary shelf. “I’m just gonna get the things I asked you for, while you check him.”
Janet clearly remembered the petition the Colonel had made in an e-mail for a
rubber glove, (not a pair, just the one) a ligature and the ‘stuff’ casts were
made of.’ At the time he had said it was another Ancient project he needed to
work on. That Earth’s survival depended on it.
“Colonel, you could just as easily use papier-mâché and I doubt you need the
extra gauze for your project.” The last word was enunciated with
skepticism.
“Sorry Doc - my project needs to be blue and writeable on.”
Janet sighed and focused on Daniel, who remained standing at the entrance to the
infirmary. He hiccupped again. She was spared the inquiry regarding his health
once he spoke up.
“Janet, are hiccups supposed to last hours?”
Surprised by the question, it took her a moment to respond. Then Daniel
hiccupped again and looked at her earnestly. It was a shame she had to give
unhelpful answers that were bound to disappoint.
“Actually Daniel, hiccups have been said to last, at most, almost several entire
days.” In the back Jack raised two eyebrows while Daniel looked stricken. “Of
course, for that to happen is rare.” Not to mention dying from it as the case
may be. This, she kept to herself of course, for Daniel’s sake and the
Colonel’s.
“Well, what can I do? – Hup! – I have to
give a presentation in three hours and this has to stop by then. It’s not even
just with my department and if the Marines – Hup!”
“Daniel, we don’t need to add hyperventilation on top of that then.” With his
free hand, Jack patted Daniel comfortingly on the shoulder. Daniel snuck a
glance at what Jack had in a small box, frowning with puzzlement. He re-directed
his attention to Janet, but then he looked back to Jack.
“Jack, you do know you don’t have the Ancient’s knowledge anymore? That
you’re just…you?”
“Actually I was hoping Janet didn’t know that so thanks a lot.” At this Janet
rolled her eyes. “I got what I came for, how about you?”
Before Daniel could start worrying about the Marines again, Janet supplied that
sometimes the actual anticipation and forcing of a hiccup would stop the fit.
She was about to go further with the list of what worked and what didn’t, but
was distracted by a patient, who came staggering in. From the sound of the
coughing, his lungs were ready to come out.
“I’m sorry Dr. Jackson, Colonel,” she said, professionalism taking over her
voice, “you should stop by later.” No sooner had she said that than a team of
eight other SG recruits were led into the infirmary. Jack and Daniel were still
trying to get out, Daniel picking up his books from the tray, when the overhead
fans’ circulation kicked in.
Instead of the hyperventilating Jack was worried about, Daniel ended up with
rounds of sneezing. If Jack had had a moment to freeze the scene and think about
all of the harmony – the lung-hacking coughs, the loud orders given over
the coughs and the softer, stranger intermingled hiccups and sneezes by his
left arm – he could have written a poem. Moving the box under his right arm,
Jack took hold of Daniel’s elbow and steered him in the right direction.
Even outside the infirmary doors, a nurse on her way in pushed Jack aside
roughly. Grimacing, he let go of Daniel to rub at his arm. All he needed now was
a gurney to run him over. At least Daniel had stopped sneezing.
“What was all of that?” Jack asked. He
noticed that the stack in Daniel’s arms was slipping to the side. Once more he
assisted, keeping the scholar’s assortment under one arm and his own under the
other.
Sniffing and pulling out a Kleenex from
his pocket, Daniel blew his nose before answering, “Maybe they encountered an
atmosphere where sulfur – Hup!” His side
was starting to ache. “I’m sure we’ll hear about it
later.”
“No, not that.” It surprised Jack that
Daniel had let the hiccup deter him from a long-winded explanation. “I
was talking about all of that sneezing in there.”
“Oh.” The now puffy-eyed and sniffing
archaeologist was on the verge of answering, but stopped. He felt a hiccup’s
foreboding beat in his stomach and did what Janet suggested. He tried forcing
his throat and looked to Jack like he was gagging. A sharper-than-expected
hiccup resounded later, leaving Jack no choice but to smile. Head bowed, Daniel
pinched the bridge of his nose. “I think it was allergies that got me in there.”
He gave Daniel an open stare, welcoming
elaboration since, as far as he knew, Daniel hadn’t had problems with his
allergies lately. He led Daniel down the corridors, knowing walking while
talking somehow made their conversations more fluid.
“Um,” Daniel began hesitantly, “yeah. I
haven’t been taking my prescription lately.”
“May I ask why?”
“The side effects include drowsiness,”
he said as if demanding an apology out of a plastic bottle filled with pills. “I
was preparing for this meeting I was telling you about so I gave up some of my
time for sleeping.” His shrug said ‘no big deal’ but he knew Jack wouldn’t think
so.
“Daniel.” The tone started out firmly
and Daniel was beginning to think the admission hadn’t been such a good idea. “I
don’t really know why this meeting is so important –
” Sensing Daniel’s upraised finger, he rushed on – “but unless it’s the
President I don’t see why you have to get so worked up about it. You could even
postpone the meeting, ever think of that?”
Waiting until Jack gave an encouraging,
yet exasperated tilt of the head to show it was Daniel’s rebuttal time, the doctor hiccupped, then explained at length what the
problem was.
“Jack, it’s not that simple. Dr.Allbright – Hup! – needs to report most of my
presentation to her field unit because – Hup! – without those notes, they
won’t be able to decide if a second mission is necessary.” Here Daniel pursed
his lips to show what he thought about that plan. Or maybe he did to restrain
another oncoming hiccup. “And from what I gathered, it would also be good to
– Hup! – mention something not
entirely relevant, but important, taking advantage – Hup! – that three linguists, along
with their CO’s, all about to go off-world next week,
– Hup! – are in the same room,
listening raptly, of course.” Jack frowned apologetically, admitting to himself
that the only reason he was paying attention at the moment was due to the
entertaining mixture of Daniel’s phonics.
“Even if this were gone in time for the
meeting, one more hour of this and I’ll – Hup! – “
“Snap?” Jack asked lightly, leading the
turn into the commissary’s hall.
“Crack.”
“It can’t be as bad as some of the
other things you’ve had.” Jack converted his tone to the kind used for counting
off the things one did over the weekend. “Staff burns, ribbon
device headaches, being dead.”
“My sides hurt,” Daniel said, almost to
himself.
“Then eat.”
Daniel pretended to squint in
concentration. “I don’t think eating will make the pain go away Jack. I’d rather
go to my office.”
“Overworking could make this worse. You
could slip into that multi-day cycle Fraiser was
talking about.”
Daniel hiccupped and repeated the
strategy of choking off a hiccup by anticipating it. Jack guessed it didn’t work
after he heard Daniel give a high-note ‘hm.’ Even with
his mouth closed the sound was still pretty vocal.
Jack figured if Daniel relaxed and got
lost in his work, maybe the hiccups would ward off, much like anything did if
you ignored it.
“Alright, you’ll go to your office and
I’ll visit you later.” Jack looked to his box and then back to Daniel. “When I’m not busy.”
Daniel gave another suppressed
hiccup.
“I wouldn’t want to keep you from your
work.” Jack gave an annoyed scowl at Daniel’s ease with sarcasm. “And if worse – Hup!
–comes to worse, I’ll try everything from ancient remedies to modern – Hup! –”
“Stuff?”
“Treatments.”
God help him, Jack was kind of curious.
“What did the ancient folk do? And Daniel?” He waited
until he deemed the archaeologist attentive. “Remember, you want to work and I
want food, so let’s keep it short and sweet.”
Daniel gave an indulgent nod and hiccupped. He mentally cut off 80% of what he
originally wanted to say and responded that 20%. “Well, in Ancient Egypt they
had used dill seeds, originally used to soothe the patient but eventually the
Greeks boiled the seeds in wine to prevent hiccups, among other
uses.”
“Remind me to use that reference next time Fraiser
says alcohol and medications don’t mix.”
Hup! “In Medievel times it was even thought that when you hiccupped,
it meant you were possessed by an evil spirit – Hup! – ”
“Speaking of which….” Jack handed
Daniel his respective bundle and patted him on the shoulder once more. “I’m
hungry.” With that he headed to the coupled swinging doors. Daniel was still
balancing the weight in his arms when his CO half-way popped out
again.
“I can get Teal’c to scare you if you
want. That could work.”
Daniel snorted good-naturedly. “It’s
okay Jack. I’m sure it’ll go away in time.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It had not gone away in time. Every time Daniel thought he was being
spared the teasing spasms, after a recess of some long minutes, the hitching
would come back. The meeting started at 12:30 and it was 10:30 now. He didn’t
have to worry about the finishing touches on his report; no, that was in order.
What was worrying him was that there were times in which he couldn’t get three
words out without hiccupping.
He
was afraid of a repeat of what happened just 10 minutes ago. Lt. Kristin
Caldwell had come in, informing Daniel that she had received notice more SG
members were going to assist his 12:30 presentation. Asked if he had everything
he needed, he rambled, hiccupping in the midst and blushing as a result. It was
as if two of every three of his words were using a pogo stick in his throat. She
smiled sweetly at him, offering some ‘sure-fire cures.’ He thanked her, using
her fist name. By that time both were pink-faced.
He had already been a little nervous, knowing his colleagues were counting on
him to convince the others of the importance behind these follow-up missions.
Convincing Jack on its own was hard enough. And now these hiccups…
Stupid hiccups, he thought
petulantly. He straightened from his slouch when he noticed the hiccups
were gone again. He looked up at the clock time and time again while he got up
and absently put books back on his shelf. He counted a new record as the silence
lasted for a full five minutes.
Hup!
He briefly thought about hurling his
coffee mug at the wall in a pitcher’s swing but settled for crumpling a piece of
scrap paper in his hand instead. The wastebasket was on the other side of the
room so he figured the toss would make a good vent, though its trajectory came
out more as a lazy arc than a speedy slant.
The fisted-up paper was just as lazily
detained by the man who walked through the door. The only swift movements were
the grimace and head jerk done when he turned towards Daniel in time to get
plonked in the eye by the edgy
ball.
“Damnit
Daniel,” Jack muttered as he kicked the paper ball away from where it rested at
his feet while rubbing his eye. Comically enough, the kick sent the thing right
into the wastebasket. “You sure pick a good time to be tossing things in front
of your door – where people enter through, might I add.” Jack rubbed his eye one
last time before coming to stand on Daniel’s right side of the desk.
“You should have – Hup! – knocked.” Daniel didn’t even finish the
sentence in the same tone he started out using. He was way fed up. “Jaaaack,” he suddenly whined, dropping his head to his
folded arms on the desk. A hiccup was muffled from somewhere between the
jacket’s folds and the mop of gold-brown hair.
“Now, Daniel,” Jack said in a wise,
patient voice. “There’s no reason why you should be stressing out. The way I see
it this is a win-win situation.” He noticed Daniel’s back not moving and knew he
was resorting to the technique of holding his breath. The back hitched, and so
it was that another method was thrown out the window.
Without lifting his head Daniel asked
Jack how he could possibly find reason to that when he had moments ago
embarrassed himself in front of Lt. Caldwell.
“Who?”
“Kristin, Lt. Caldwell… – Hup! – the woman who updated
all of our computers.”
“If you’re talking about the lieutenant
who has a crush on you – Nevermind.” Daniel barely caught what he said but
as soon as the dots connected he felt his face warm again. “The point is, if
this continues up to the meeting, I’ll join you and keep the Marines off your
back.” Daniel glanced up at that, very ready to insist otherwise, but Jack
plowed ahead. “Option B has to do with me using one of Fraiser’s tricks on you. Something that’s
really supposed to work.”
“Jack, before anything, I don’t think
Option A should even be an option.”
Jack began playing with a small globe
on Daniel’s desk. It was plastic so Daniel let him get away with it. “As I was
saying, I ran into Fraiser and she explained this
thing I ought to use on you. I don’t know if I’ll do it right since she only had
five seconds to show me but it’s worth a shot.” He put the globe away and
gestured for Daniel to stand. “C’mon, up and at ‘em.”
“Are we going somewhere?” Daniel asked,
getting to his feet and straightening his glasses. Instead of giving an answer,
Jack grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and moved the civilian to stand directly in
front of him. He then made a Boy Scout-salute poise
with his hand and press the two conjoined fingers down hard on the base of
Daniel’s throat.
“Ow!” Daniel
yelped, not at all expecting to be forcibly choked. He stepped away, saying
Jack’s name with indignation. Jack rolled his eyes and tugged Daniel closer,
pushing away the hand placed protectively over the throat.
“Fraiser
showed me how to do this by doing it on me first, ok? It’s supposed to hurt a
little. I’ll let up as soon as your hiccups stop.” Jack was glad when Daniel
stopped tilting his whole neck away from his hand and stayed still. It was
weird; he could feel the hiccups under his fingers.
Daniel was looking at the clock – it
was already 10:45.
Jack felt the hiccupping under his
fingers become more pronounced. “Daniel, take deep breaths and stop looking at
the clock. It feels like a whole other pulse here.” Expecting Daniel to balk
like last time, Jack closed a hand around Daniel’s shoulder before pressing down
harder on the throat’s pocket. Daniel pushed away, managing to shrug from
beneath Jack’s hand, and rubbed at his collarbone. “Don’t give me that look. All
I did was follow the Doc’s
orders.”
“Sir, there you are.” Carter walked
into Daniel’s office carrying a form. “I wanted to let you know that I’ll be
accompanying SG-3 on their next mission Also, while I was there Colonel Ward
asked me to tell you to ‘please reconsider.’” She finished with a note of
curiosity.
“Thank you Major. Tell him no for
me.”
She was even more curious but managed a
“Yes Sir.” She noticed Daniel was chugging down water in the background.
“Daniel, if you still have the hiccups,
I remembered something that might help.” She barely had time to approach Daniel
and connect her index and middle finger together when both Daniel and Jack said
‘No’ in unison.
“It won’t work Carter. I already tried
it.”
“Thanks anyway Sam – Hup! – ”
“So, Carter attempts to help and
gets a thanks?”
She excused herself, leaving the men to
banter in privacy. She heard another hiccup from Daniel before completely
leaving. On her way down the corridors, still wondering about Colonel Ward’s
request, she had a flashback to a time when Ward had borrowed Daniel for a
mission of their own. Daniel had sprained his ankle and fallen under fire.
Colonel O’Neill had vowed to never entrust Daniel to anybody else if he had
anything to say about it.
She smiled at the memory and the
understanding coupled with it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve got an hour and a half, huh?
It’s plenty of time,” Jack said assuredly.
Daniel groaned and plopped down on his
couch, swinging an arm over his eyes. His hiccupping was louder since he was
laying on his back.
“It hasn’t even – Hup! – stopped like before. It’s been ongoing
for a full – Hup! – 20
minutes.”
Jack remained standing, looking down at
his frustrated friend. He knew there were mission reports waiting to be read on
his desk, memos to be deleted from his inbox and there was even that
self-appointed ‘project’ he wanted to get done by today. But it was always hard
to leave Daniel alone when he was this stressed. If it were sleep he needed,
Jack would have just carted him off to one of the bunk beds. If it were a
caffeine overdose or a lack of nutrition he would have dragged him to eat a
compilation of meals. Stress probably provoked this symptom as well. Too bad
Daniel couldn’t deal with stress the way Jack did.
Or maybe it will work.. I know Daniel won’t go for hanging upside down and
singing.
“You know how you asked if we were
going somewhere before?” Jack grabbed the arm that was laid over Daniel’s face
to help hoist him up.
“That was fifteen minutes ago Jack. And
if we are going anywhere, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood,” Daniel croaked
sourly. His chest, his sides and his throat hurt. Fully upright, a particularly
harsh hiccup reverberated inside him. He grabbed his glasses off his face and
threw them on the couch, focusing on his breathing again.
“You’re half-way there Danny-boy,” Jack
approved. “No use wearing glasses when you’re boxing.”
Daniel gazed unfocusedly, giving the
light switch over Jack’s shoulder a suspicious look. “I’m not much for sports –
Hup! – right
now Jack. I’ll probably end up wheezing and that will – Hup! – hurt my throat even more. Soon I won’t
even have a voice for the – Hup! – presentation and like I said, there’s no way of changing its
date – Hup! – or
time.”
“That’s just it Daniel,” Jack piped in
with a little exasperation. “It’s a respiratory deal, right? Soooo, all we have to do is get your lungs and stomach to
react a bit – ”
“More like my – Hup! – diaphragm and windpipe,” Daniel
corrected automatically
“Yeah, that. It all regulates, the
hiccups stop and all in time for a nap and some food.” Daniel had anticipated
‘the great show,’ or ‘your thingy.’ “You’re aware of
the plan so let’s go.” Jack pushed him out the door, but preceded him in heading
for the gym. Daniel caught up hesitantly.
“I’m not going to – Hup! – have time to sleep or eat later Jack,
even if my – Hup! – hiccups are gone soon. The meeting is at 12:30. – Hup! – ”
“And what? If you get sleepy, you’ll
give the lecture as you’re sliding down the wall? The crackers at those meetings
won’t fill you up either.”
“I won’t get sleepy or hungry.” He then
said words that were almost immediately regretted. “I’ll have
coffee.”
Jack almost stopped to face Daniel. He
changed his mind at the last minute and walked faster instead. “I’ll pretend I
didn’t hear that.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two men were currently sans shoes
and had strapped headgear and gloves on. Jack could’ve done without the gear but
he wanted Daniel to get into the spirit of things.
“Okay Daniel, bounce a bit. I know you
haven’t forgotten the basic training.” Jack circled Daniel tauntingly, not ready
to do anything unless Daniel acted first. The younger man messed with his
headgear before finally taking a step towards Jack. He was still hiccupping,
occasionally clearing his throat.
Jack had his gloves up to block
punches, feeling the other padded fists connecting. The civilian could be fast
if we wanted but as soon as he hit, he pulled back. The little jabs were hardly
fatal. And of course, Daniel was only “attacking” Jack’s gloves, not all the
defenseless places elsewhere.
Jack feinted with his left arm, forcing
Daniel to jump back, never really making contact. He kept prompting Daniel to
move until he was sure Daniel was a little out of breath.
“Any news?” Jack asked with hope,
removing his headgear.
Daniel stood still for a moment,
breathing deeply. Realizing he hadn’t hiccupped for the last few minutes, he
sighed with more than a little relief.
“They’re gone Jack. At least, I think
they are.” Daniel was removing his headgear too and Jack could see he still
appeared dubious, waiting for the hiccups to strike back.
“If you start doubting, you’ll jinx
it,” Jack called over his shoulder, walking to the gym’s sidelines. He deposited
the headgear and was in the process of taking one of his gloves off when he
heard a dull thump behind him. Turning he saw Daniel sitting despondently on the
floor mat, gloves still on. “Daniel, what – ?”
Hup!
“Oh, for cryin’ out loud!” Jack finished ripping his left glove
off and paced for a few seconds in front of Daniel. “That’s it; we’re trying all
those old-age cures Carter didn’t want us to try.” He went to the water fountain
and got a cup, discarding the glove on the way.
He went through a list in his mind. The
respiratory thing had to have worked; if the problem started there, that’s where
the focus lay. Jack pieced together what Carter and Fraiser had said and even what Teal’c had shared over lunch
earlier that day after he had browsed the internet. None of it was any good.
Jack wanted to ditch all of that and
take to his own resources. One of his ideas had almost pulled off – that
meant he was on the right track. To try things
differently…
He drank the water originally meant for
Daniel and fought to hold back a grin as he neared his
archaeologist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel was concentrating on his
breathing and swallowing to stave off the hiccups. With his eyes closed, he
didn’t catch the way Jack was almost prowling towards him. Yet, at the sound of
the older man’s voice, he knew Jack had come up with another idea. A ludicrous one, most likely.
“Daniel, when one has hiccups, one is usually advised to shift breathing patterns,
yes?”
“ – Hup! – Yeeeahh,”
Daniel drawled, not sure whether to simply be uncertain or wary along with it.
“And perhaps you should fight
convulses with convulses.” It was no longer a question but a suggestion.
“Jack –
”
“Ah, ah!” Jack cut Daniel off, slipping into a
condescending tenor. “I‘m on a roll Daniel. Where was
I?”
“Convulsions – Hup! –” Daniel reminded, rubbing at his
eye.
“It’s good to know you were paying
attention.” His audience scowled sullenly, sighing as another hiccup emerged.
“Lastly, laughter is truly a fine medicine, wouldn’t you agree Dr. Jackson?”
Daniel didn’t want to play this game
anymore. He couldn’t even see a clock anywhere and for all he knew, he was
wasting more time than he could afford.
“I’m not – Hup! – at liberty to
say Jack because as you know, – Hup! –
I’m not that kind of doctor. I – Hup!
–don’t think I want to convulse any– Hup! –more and so far holding my breath and –
Hup! – straining my lungs hasn’t helped.
And I’m – Hup! – not going to hang upside down – Hup! – either.”
“Nope, no hanging upside down,” Jack
promised, shaking his head. He took his other glove off and cast it aside. “In
fact, I know this’ll be a fun experience.”
“With laughter, – Hup! – spasms and
breathing shifts?” Daniel dared ask, not finding any sense at all. He
tilted his head forward with each of the three characteristics, Jack nodding
along encouragingly.
With a flash of understanding Daniel
stood, trying to form words, stepping away from Jack. His arms were wrapped
around his middle consciously, not for the same reason he usually did in awkward
situations.
“Jack, no! Last time – Hup! – it
gave me hiccups.” Daniel had been in a corner earlier so he had no choice
but to slink further back.
Jack kept advancing, keeping loyal to
his casualness. “If this works, no pineapple pizza for
the next two outings. If it doesn’t, the toppings stay.”
“Jack – Hup! – this is stupid,” Daniel reasoned. The
calm façade was belied, however, by a note of panic. He knew this could become a
very mortifying predicament. “It’s not funny.” He measured the distance between
himself and the doors, deciding he’d return the gloves later; no way was he
going to take his eyes off Jack to remove them now.
“Oh, but it will be funny.” Jack
was clearly enjoying Daniel’s attempts at flight. His youngest teammate was
stealthily getting ready to make a run for it. The thing was that Daniel wasn’t
so stealthy and Jack was.
Like a rabbit driven from his hiding
place at the sound of the hunter’s proximity, Daniel dashed to the exit. Jack
appeared in his line of vision at the last second and made it impossible to
dodge him. Still, Daniel tried, knowing he had failed when he felt the arms
around him and the foot sending him to lie on the mat. It was the old
grab-and-trip maneuver, only he hadn’t landed hard and the motive behind the
move was far from usual.
A hiccup had barely escaped before it
was severed by a tickle-induced laugh. The restrained man was struggling and
laughing, Jack hovering overhead with a playful, yet dangerous gleam in his
eyes.
“Jack! – Hup! – Stop!” Daniel tried to fend off Jack’s
hands, gravely reminded that boxing gloves made his hands useless lumps with
excuses for opposable thumbs. Rendering efforts to push Jack away hopeless, he
curled in on himself and turned this way and that to avoid the swift onslaughts.
Jack, knowing Daniel’s most ticklish spots were on his sides, took vantage
point.
After two seconds of having his sides
poked and raked, Daniel finally built enough momentum to roll away. Jack backed
off to give Daniel the false hope of freedom. He confirmed the absurdity of that
hope with his next three ominous words.
“Three, two…one.”
Daniel had gotten rid of his gloves and
almost made it to the door. He wasn’t prepared, to say the least, when he heard
the last number on Jack’s countdown. His scurrying ended abruptly within that
next second, in timing with that unsaid ‘zero.’
Even with the cumbersome gloves out of
the way Daniel was still having difficulty defending himself. This time Jack had
him in a stronghold resembling that of an armed robber securing a hostage. One
arm was holding Daniel across the chest while the other was busy tickling what
remained un-tickled of the captive’s sides. Said captive had begun struggling
again, soon tiring with all the laughter, the hiccups and the twisting around.
Daniel suddenly started to sag down to
the floor, which made Jack stop and reflexively support him. He must be all
achy by now.
Hup!
Damnit, he still has
hiccups.
Still giving short laughs, Daniel sat
down, Jack setting himself on his haunches next to him. Jack caught Daniel’s
flushed face from beneath the hanging bangs and smiled to himself, about to call
it quits and say ‘pineapple it is.’ Daniel beat him to the punch, however, once
he put together a decent strong of words.
“You know I’ll have to pay – Hup! – you back for
this – and for last time – Hup! –
”
“That’s all right Daniel,” Jack said
reassuringly. “My treat.”
“– Hup! – But now that I got you to let – Hup! – me go…” Daniel
got himself off the floor quickly, all pretense of the tiredness shown moments
ago completely gone. Jack remained on his haunches, curious about what ‘his kid’
was planning.
“…I should tell you that – Hup! – once I run to
your office and get that – Hup! – project out of your desk drawer – Hup! –…”
“Daniel…?” Jack intonated,
interrogatively and warningly.
The young SG-1-er had his own mischievous look set to par any of Jack’s; Except
his mischief had to do with poking at Jack in a way that involved his toy as a
hostage. His next objective was to stay way clear of his CO.
“…You know, the thing you – Hup! – were
‘busy’ on all day?” Daniel had stepped off the mat and was heading towards some
of the benches and boxes of equipment on one side of the gym.
Jack rose slowly at the question, stretched his back, cracked his neck and
walked forward. “What about it?”
“Well, it’s writeable on, right? – Hup!
– I could put graffiti on it, like – Hup! – “Figure Skating is Better than Hockey.” Daniel took a long step behind the
barricade of gym equipment as Jack made to grab him. “I also –
Hup! – might as well look in your desk – Hup! – for the
chocolate you confiscated – Hup! – from me yesterday.” There was another lunge and the ensuing
duck that followed.
“It was for your own good and besides you can’t be in my
office.”
“You’re always – Hup! – coming in to
my office,” Daniel complained; both men were tangoing solo on either side
of the equipment.
“It’s all privilege of rank Daniel,” Jack said sweetly.
“I feel that as a civilian – Hup! – I’m free to roam and wander.”
“Daniel.” Jack unconsciously adopted a parental stance. The kid was mockingly
using a line from a lecture Jack had given him days ago, leaving out the
emphatic ‘not’ between ‘I’m’ and ‘free.’
With his arms crossed, he wasn’t ready to make a swipe at Daniel when he sprung from behind his defense line nor was Jack expecting to
see boxes being pushed to block his way. That little… Daniel had so far
planned out loud to break into his office, had distracted him by being snippy
and had toppled boxes over his head.
“That’s it Daniel, no more Mr. Nice Guy!” Jack said, feeling like the ‘Johnny’
guy from The Shining. Daniel dove and careened as Jack chased him all over the
gym, taking turns to laugh, hiccup and pant.
Daniel was escaping from behind the gym weights, Jack’s hand brushing against
his elbow, when Teal’c came in. In the middle of saying a breathy hello to
Teal’c and looking up, Daniel lost his footing. Teal’c amusedly gave a hello
back, even as Daniel was tackled from behind by Jack and sent to the floor for
the third time in the last 20 minutes.
Jack wasted no time in tickling the hell out of Daniel, running his calculating
fingers over Daniel’s heaving stomach and sides. Even as the younger man tucked
his arms to his sides and went fetal, Jack pried enough to manage pokes at
places around the ribs. Then Daniel made the terrible mistake of trying to grab
Jack’s arms. With that done and the victim’s arms elevated, his whole torso lay
vulnerable.
Jack went for the kill and played air piano all over Daniel’s sides, up to his
armpits, and the undersides of his arms. The archaeologist was really losing it
and saying something like “…’s gone…J-!...gone!” but
the assault continued. The man pinned on the ground writhed and squirmed with
giggles, already crying from laughing so hard.
“And now the grand finale, Dannyboy.”
Daniel half-cried out a drunken-like ‘No,’ completely failing to reach Jack with
his plea. The seasoned soldier got one of Daniel’s feet, taking off the boot.
The whole time Teal’c stood off to the side, curiously watching the byplay. The
“Jack.” Daniel grabbed his foot off of Jack’s lap and made to get the boot away
from Jack’s other hand. “I was saying before that my hiccups are gone. You can
give me back my shoe.”
“I knew your hiccups were gone.” The truth was he had enjoyed seeing Daniel roll
with laughter. He returned the boot, which Daniel wasted no time in putting back
on. “I was just checking if you were wearing matching socks. I would have saved
you a whole lot of embarrassment.”
“Yeah.” Daniel grinned. “You save me
embarrassment, not dole it out.”
“Right, no doling.” Jack saw Teal’c fitting on his
gloves. “Hey T, guess who’s not squeaking
anymore?”
“Jaaack.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jack levered himself up with a hand
pushing down, albeit gently and teasingly, on Daniel’s head. By the end, the
hand rested on the mop, ruffling fondly. “You’re even in time to get suited up
and ready for the big meeting.”
“What time is it?” Daniel asked Teal’c, accepting Jack’s assistance in getting
up.
“I do not have a watch DanielJackson.”
“We couldn’t have lasted more than 30 minutes in here Daniel. When we left your clock read 11:05.”
“I still have time then. That’s…good.” Daniel blinked, giving thought to what he
should do with the spare time on his hands. Jack already knew what Daniel should
do, something he should’ve done before and should regularly do. “Jack, I left my
glasses in my office, right?” All Jack did was walk past him, turning to signal
him to follow with a two-finger beckoning. Daniel barely said bye to Teal’c
before Jack grabbed his forearm and guided him down the halls again after
shouting a ‘Bye T!’ too.
“I was pretty sure I left my glasses in my office.”
“You did.” Jack noticed Daniel giving him a questioning look, but following
nonetheless. “But you’re not going to your office. You’re gonna go to the commissary and have a decent sandwich or
something.”
“Jack – ”
“No, you have enough time.”
Daniel fell behind in step and surreptitiously tried to turn around and go the
opposite direction towards his office. He made it to a quarter of a turn before
a familiar hand grabbed the scruff of his black T-shirt and gave a tug. A
protest was on the tip of his tongue when he faced Jack again but the older
man’s attention was elsewhere, though his hand remained latched onto his wayward
archaeologist. Daniel looked to where Jack was looking. A
clock. What could be so interesting…? Daniel stopped
mid-thought upon closer inspection. 10:25?!
“How come your clock doesn’t match this one’s Daniel?” Jack’s head slowly spun
in his direction, a smile apparent on his CO’s
face.
Daniel sighed and crossed his arms, not knowing whether to feel frustrated for
having unnecessarily rushed all morning or relieved with the extra time block.
“The batteries in my clock must be running low.”
“You don’t have to sound disappointed – you’ve got one more hour than before.
And you know what that means?’
“Yes.” Daniel pointed towards the direction of his office, taking another step
backwards. Jack pulled him back. “No…?”
“You can eat and sleep. As soon as you’re done eating, you’re gonna go lay down in one of those bunk rooms and take a nap.
I insist,” Jack finished off when Daniel twisted his mouth petulantly.
“Today they were serving lasagna.” The big blue eyes sparked with interest. “And
I have a feeling a powernap will work wonders for you.”
Daniel conceded with a nod after a moment of thought and willingly followed Jack
to the commissary. When Jack glanced sideways he was glad to see there was no
jut of chin or furrowed forehead. And no hiccups! Yep, total
harmony.
“You know Jack,” Daniel began conversationally; “we spend about 25% of our lives
sleeping. It seems like such a big waste.” Daniel made sure to make it sound
like he was giving an opinion, not arguing.
Note to self: if Daniel’s body language doesn’t express defiance, he sooner
or later will verbally express it.
“Nice try Daniel. I, in fact, think we don’t sleep enough as a
species.”
“What if I get hiccups again while I’m sleeping?”
“Don’t say that.” Jack swatted Daniel lightly on the arm. “And if you do, we’ll
just have a repeat performance of everything.”
“I’d just as soon avoid it, thanks.” He had never known hiccups could be such a
nuisance. “And Jack – despite…everything, I appreciate your unorthodox methods
in helping me.”
“Unorthodox, nothing. Fraiser
gave me the first one and the second and successful one was based on nothing but
logic,” Jack stated matter-of-factly. Side by side, both entered a mostly empty
lunchroom.
“Your logic is scary.”
“So is yours.”
Epilogue:
Jack watched approvingly as Daniel put two plates of lasagna on his tray. He
made sure to clear his throat each time Daniel served too little of certain
foods onto his plate, prompting extra servings. Jack went so far as to hit
different guttural notes to indicate a specific proportion of mashed potatoes;
Daniel had forked chunks on and off until Jack gave a thumbs-up. Daniel
tolerated all of this with the right balance of chagrin and indifference. When
he got to the desserts, however, he didn’t need any encouragement.
Both men settled down to their favorite table. Jack had a sandwich and Daniel
had about 2 scoops of everything including 3 desert plates and a big glass of
grape juice.
“And if I don’t finish…?”
“I’ll help or we’ll page Teal’c”
“You don’t have a pager, and neither does Teal’c.”
“Killjoy.” Jack took a big bite of his sandwich,
spurring Daniel to dig in. “Remember Daniel, not too fast or you’re gonna get hiccups again.” That was all Daniel needed to slow
down and chew exaggeratingly slow.
Fraiser was on her lunch break, finishing up and
standing along with her retreating colleagues. About to go out the doors, she
spotted Jack and Daniel.
“Hiccups gone Daniel?” she asked, approaching.
Daniel nodded, preoccupied with a second spoonful he
had popped into his mouth, mindful of how fast he was swallowing.
“Did the pressure help?” She motioned to her throat.
Noting Daniel still had a mouth full of food, Jack butted in: “Actually Doc, all
Daniel really needed was a few laughs.” Daniel glared
at Jack when the older man looked ready to elaborate with details. “I told him a
knock-knock joke.”
“I’ll be sure to recruit you for medical rounds, Colonel,” she said, easily
buying into his humor. “Daniel, I hope you keep your health lapses limited to
this level of seriousness.”
“Headaches are a little more merciful,” Daniel said, recovering the ability to
talk.
Janet bid them bon appetites and left them to finish their early lunch. Her
arrival at their table had stirred a question Daniel had had for Jack since the
morning after the briefing. Taking his cup, he feigned disinterest as he posed
the million-dollar question.
“So, …” He took a sip. “What did you use Janet’s extra
medical supplies for?”
“A slingshot,” Jack responded, almost immediately.
Daniel couldn’t say he found it as easy to digest the answer as Jack had so
readily given it. “It’s good to know if we run out of ammo or lose our weapons,
you’ll have your homemade slingshot with you.”
“Don’t forget my yoyo.” Not at all deterred.
As Daniel finished his desserts he was reminded of something else
important.
“Jack, I still want my chocolates back.”
Jack stopped tying his straw into a Celtic knot to give Daniel his attention. To
Jack the guy had an expression on that comically resembled determination.
“Fine,” Jack relented. “I already won – for the next two outings there’s
no pineapple on our pizzas.”
Daniel slurped the last of his juice through lips suppressing a smirk. “You only
won half a deal Jack. You’ll have to beat Teal’c next to keep the anchovies
off.”
Jack’s face communicated displeasure. Not saying anything, he took his fork and
snitched the last of Daniel’s pie as retribution for cutting his victory short.
Still, Daniel was laughing a little, he was relaxed and hiccup-free in time for
the meeting, and Jack’s slingshot lay in his top drawer, waiting to be used
against all kinds of potential enemies. It was all a victory indeed. And who
knew…it could get better.
Maybe I could beat Teal’c at Gin…
The End
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