FINAL DRAFT:
First, you find yourself a really nice woman. Make sure she is a good girl, the sort who won't leave you. Take time to assure that she has lots and lots of friends for you to alienate. You will find her at a charity event, preferably saving baby animals or the rain forest. If you can not locate such an event, a political rally for Al Gore will suffice. Do not inform her of your involvement in the Young Republicans. Tell her you are 'independent' and 'undecided.' Accept her invitation to join the Green Party.
She should be attractive, but not too attractive � more Sandra Bullock than Angelina Jolie. She should be pretty enough that you want to have sex with her often.
Make sure she is ambitious and will be someone who will motivate you to be a better person. She must be stubborn. There are times that you will not want to do something you should. At these times you will need someone who is persistent and naggy, like your mother � with less facial hair.
Make sure that her liberal ideas are patronized. Make her angry. She should be a total bitch, like your mother, with less facial hair. When she is bitchy, point out how liberals are always resorting to emotional outbursts.
Tell her you can't marry her until she converts. Pick a church. After she converts, marry her, and then stop attending church.
Once you have married your ideal woman, tell her that you can not go on your honeymoon. Inform her that you can not accept the gift of a trip to Paris because you have accepted Bill O'Reilly's challenge to boycott the French.
Make her live with you and your mother. You will make love in the garage, in the shower, against the wall, and anywhere else you have fantasized about. Tell her it is more than just sex. Tell her that conservatives statistically have more sex than liberals. Tear up your Green Party voter registration. Register as a Republican.
Let her argue with your mother. When you are kicked out, blame it on your new wife. She is young and everyone knows that no one can blame a beautiful, hairless liberal, except for evil conservatives. Tell your friends it was her fault. Remind your wife that you got along fine with your mother until she came along. Tell her that she is overly emotional and has alienated herself from your family but the sex is great and you forgive her.
After living in your car for a day or two, move in with her parents and let them put you through trade school. You need a real job too support your new family. Tell them how excited you are about your new vocational school. Inform them that travel agents are very hard to come by. They have been replaced by internet sites like travelocity.com. Tell them you have found a niche and you can earn free vacations in the new telemarketing pyramid sales program you are in. Inform them that you need to borrow the three thousand dollars for the initial deposit from them.
After you fail at being a travel agent, try a 'real' school. Drop out if things get too difficult. Avoid math class. Math is difficult. Inform your College Algebra instructor that you have a wife and she takes a lot of your time with sex. He will agree that sex is much better than math.
When your wife becomes pregnant (a side effect of all the great sex you are having), she will not be able to have sex with you as often. Stock up on porn and practice watching it while she is nauseated and sick.
Do not worry about going to the store for her cravings. Her parents can take care of those needs. While your wife is pregnant and still working to support you through school, make sure that you ask her for extra spending money. Inform her that now she is pregnant and not as much fun or as pretty, you need additional resources for entertainment. Remind her not to take too many sick days. Tell her you have faith in her despite her liberal and pampered upbringing.
When your first child is born, forget her name is Sarah. Call her by your crazy uncle Bubba's name as often as possible. Refer to her as 'he.' Put little baseball suits on her and call her "Bubba" when you take her out without her mother. Then tell your friends that your liberal wife has so emasculated your son; he's turned into a little girl.
Pout at your wife when she breast feeds your new son and make sure that she knows that you don't appreciate sharing, especially now she has gone up a cup size. Make sure that you avoid handling your son or you will be forced to change diapers. Ask where your son's equipment is when you are finally nagged into submission.
While your children are still very young, show a total lack of ambition so your wife will go back to work. During this time, when your wife is under so much stress from managing a newborn, quit your job, change your major, change schools, and then drop out. Float from job to job while her hair turns prematurely gray. Eventually she will go back to work and support you and the children.
Tell her she isn't as pretty as she once was. Tell her that all of the stress on her is showing on her body. Inform her that if she makes more money, she can afford plastic surgery and a personal trainer. Inform her of your desire to send the children to boarding school. Tell her you can't remember number two's name.
If this does not work, divorce her and start over. Begin by locating someone with less facial hair.