"Not I!"  

  


"It’s about time they blew it up. Christ, I’m sick of it. Standing there, 
year in, year out. Look at it. I’ll be glad to see the back of it.

Creaking down to the lakeside. Those rickety planks, that stupid 
 sign he put up. As if anyone would pay attention to that! 

The barbed wire festooning the gate. Planks continuing down to the 
 water, going into a T-shape. The fishing boats moored on either side.

 Not that they do much fishing round here. They pull up in their four by 
 fours. I know what goes on round here. The kids post the condoms through 
the door next day. I know what they do in their four by fours, and it ain't 
 fishing! They stand there, hovering about. Then it’s back to the van. I 
can see her legs poking up, even though the windows are dark. There’s no 
secret there.

Of course, when I tell him about it, he just shrugs his shoulders and walks 
off. It’s about time they pulled it down.

I was pleased when I saw them come to cordon it off. They pulled up in their 
truck at nine. Got out their tapes, cones, and shovels, and got to work. 
Stopping those brats from running up here at night. Jim left early. I heard 
the low click of the latch at eight. He hasn’t much to say about it 
anymore. 
An hour later, they swarmed in, with their suits, jackets, and hats, red, 
yellow, orange, construction hats. Converged on the place, and now they’re 
tearing it down. I’ll be glad to see the back of it.

Memories? I’ve no memories. That black lake. It’s like an animal 

to me. Waiting to swallow the dead. That’s all I think about it. A sinister 

thing. You wouldn’t think it would hurt a fly, year in, year out. Sitting 
there. But I’m no fool, not me, not Liz Cahill. You don’t fool me. My 
husband maybe, but not me.

The two of us were playing by the shore. 
"Don’t go there, Mill!", I said, as she crawled out on the ice.

But she just turned her golden head and laughed at me. I never could resist 
her eyes.

"Milly," I called, as she inched along slowly.

"Don’t worry," she said.

When I looked again, she was gone. 

And then there was all that commotion for days.




I’m sitting in our cabin by the window. We call it a cabin. But it’s a proper house, just made of wood.


Clean through, she went, didn’t fight, clean through, and that was the end of it, one minute here, the next, gone. No big deal. 

The engineer’s got black hair. 

Mr. O’Connell, he’s called. I know that from the letter they sent. He's 
nice, blue eyes, pleasant face. Not like my son, all angles and bones! 

Steel-frame glasses. There he is walking about, checking things, getting 
things ready.

She's in her beige coat and yellow hat. I am her 

protector. 

It was prettier in the summer. We made friends with the city 

kids. Look at it now, after all those years. Still here.

They’re running out cables from the dredgers in the bay to the pier.

Things happened quickly after that. Mother died. I lived with father. I 

never left. Why should I leave?  I grew up here. It's my home. Everyone 
always leaves. Of course, it occurred to me, but, 
"No", I said, "I’m staying." So I stayed. 

I met Jim. We married. Had one child. 

There’s a knock on the door.

It’s the young engineer.

"Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Cahill.We’re ready to go now, I thought you might like to watch." 

Well, this is an adventure, 

I get my winter coat from the hall. Walk down to the platform with him. 


The dredgers move into place on opposite sides. The men hook the cables to 
the pier. 

"I’ll signal them," says Mr.O’Connell, "with this." He waves his radio, and smiles.

"Maybe your husband would be interested." 

Jim? I’d forgotten him.

"He’s checking his nets," I say, quickly. 

She fell through the ice, 

got snared in the weeds. That’s what I told them at the time. 

"If you just stand here, Mrs. Cahill." 

I look out on the lake. I see the dredgers. All of a sudden 

Jim comes up behind me. 

"Catch anything?" I ask.
   
"I went to the Valley, took some photos of the deer.I’ve never seen so many 
for the time of year."

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"It's the cold. It’s driven them down from the hills."

"Pull away, boys!!" Mr. O’C. 

 The dredgers pull in opposite directions and drag the jetty beneath the waves.


And that’s it, the end of it. No more questions now. 


"That’s it" sighs Jim.


Mr.O'Connell says, "What did you think of that, now?"


I don‘t know what to say anymore. It was such a stupid thing. No one used it.

"What took you so long!" I say, "You could have done it sooner. It was just 
a stupid pier." 

Jim shrugs at the engineer. 


"What was so great about it?" I can’t help myself anymore, "That stupid 
pier. Why didn’t you get rid of it sooner?" 


"Be reasonable, love," says Jim.


"Reasonable? Why? I’ve been reasonable all my life."


She didn’t want to come up. She told me. She wanted to stay 

down there, with the fishies, and things. So I kept her there. I kept my 
hand firmly on her little golden head. And when they asked me, well, they 
seemed so excited. I couldn’t tell them after that, and they just left me 
there. 


And every morning, when I opened the curtains, she stared back at me, from 
the water, accusing me, with her eyes. 



"You drowned me," she said, "You killed me.You could have saved 
me."


And I said."No! I didn’t do it. The jetty did it. I didn’t do it. 

Don’t blame me. It wasn’t me." 




"Not I!" I said, "It was the jetty 
did it. Not I!" 


I screamed. "Not I!" 




I tried to explain, but it was no use. 


"Why should I be reasonable?" I said, "After all these years. I don’t want 
to be reasonable! You should have done it years ago! Years ago!" 

And I walked back to the house, and left them there


staring at the water.




 © Michael Byrne 2002 

 


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