Kitty Cat

By DragonMage

Notes: Have you ever read fics where the author describes Wufei as one of those people who takes cares of everything he owns? Ie: Jen's When Fallen Angel's Fly. Ah, well, I took that idea and kinda expanded on it....sorta. Well, more like took it and changed it around and stuff. Aw hell, just read it! *sweatdrops and walks off*

Trowa's POV

My life, before I fell in love, always seemed meaningless to me. There was nothing to live for, really. I didn't die because I saw no reason to. I didn't live; I just existed. I was there, I did what I had to do, but I realize now that there had never been any passion behind it. None of the passion he carries, the one I fell in love with. Sometimes I wonder how he could live day to day with such passion and conviction in his heart. It's amazing he hasn't burnt himself out over it.

I hadn't realized how passive, almost submissive, I was until I met him. Until I saw the fire inside of him and wondered at my own reasons for fighting. I was born a solider, raised a soldier and lived life like a solider. Fifteen years I knew nothing else. I took orders because I was trained to; I completed missions because it was what was expected of me. But all of it was done with indifference; there was nothing behind what I did no drive.

Thinking about it, I suppose a person really doesn't need a drive to get something done. Only...I had existed for so long without a purpose that when I actually saw one, it amazed me. Why did he fight with so much anger? So much passion, conviction? It was just a war, and we were soldiers. We did what we were supposed to do and that was it. Nothing else was required of us but to fight. They didn't need our morals and purpose; they only needed a mind and body out there to get the job done.

Until I met him, my life was mission after mission. Even the Perfect Soldier had some kind of drive behind what he did! He wanted the war to end; he wanted peace. The seemingly cold, unfeeling Perfect Soldier was actually someone who was passionate about something: peace. And yet, I never had a passion, a purpose. I never saw this until I met him.

After meeting him, I started to get a sense of purpose in my fight. I, too, wanted the war to end and to have peace. I wanted to see more children attend the circus with *both* parents instead of just one. I wanted to see people on the streets, happy and laughing just because they were alive. I've seen glimpses of this and instead of just catching a stolen moment, I wanted to always see it, every single time I walk down the street or prepare for another act at the circus. Even though my purpose was different from his, it still gave me fire to fight, to live.

He was always angry, always annoyed and never at peace with himself or the world. He kept on striving for something--and I never knew what it was until the end of the second war, when I finally got the whole picture of this person who showed me that purpose was important, that to exist in this world meant you could be happy, content.

Maybe my views are different than his, but the basic outline is the same. What's the point of living if you don't have a purpose?

You can't live life without a want, a need, with no drive to keep you moving through this heavy fog of life, unable to see ahead of you. You have to want to forge ahead, to see behind that curtain of fog and find out what was in store for you. You can't sit back and let the world go by. If you did, there was no point in even existing! You have your whole lifetime ahead of you--make something of it. He taught me that in an inverted way.

When I finally admitted to myself that I loved him, I was terrified. How could I fall in love with someone like him? It was impossible. I couldn't! Why, you wonder? Because I never saw him as a person made for love. Yes, he had drive, yes he had a passion, but all of that left no room for love. I couldn't see him falling in love, he was like a god, there but so untouchable. To be seen, to be loved, but to never connect with. He was on a whole different plane of existence.

I learned, with time, that I was wrong. He wasn't a god, he just made himself to seem like that, so aloof and distant. When, really, underneath all of that confidence and sureness of his path in life, he was so very, very confused. He was caught up in ideals that weren't his own. He couldn't make sense of them and it almost destroyed him.

When I saw him after the second war with Mariemeia, I was surprised to find him at ease, finally. He was at peace. He had finally let go of things that just didn't click in his own mind and he was finally able to rest. He started working with the Preventers and I wasn't long before I also joined the Preventers. The circus was great and I loved Catherine but I was still a soldier, born and raised. Civilian life just didn't work for me.

I got partnered up with him and we worked together. I was in heaven. I was finally able to work side-by-side with him instead of just catching a glimpse of him in battle during the war. Instead, he was right there, only a few feet away at his own desk, typing away at his computer while I did the same.

It wasn't long after I learned that he, too, loved me. I couldn't believe it. It was like a dream come true as well as a nightmare. My old fears of him being untouchable, beyond love and anything connected to those petty feelings, came back. What if he stopped loving me after a while? What if I'm not 'worthy enough' for him? He was, after all, someone that is beyond me, in my own eyes. I couldn't seem to believe someone like him would love me. It just didn't seem possible. I was Nanashi: I had no name, no past, nothing to tie back to someone *worth* loving.

But he did, and I soon learned that all my fears were nonsense and made from my own uncertain self-esteem. When you don't have something to be proud of, some kind of family or background, you really don't have a lot to be sure of.

We had been lovers, boyfriends, whatever, for about six months before I moved into his apartment. He had a bigger one than mine and had more than enough room for me since we slept in the same bedroom.

The move hadn't really been a big step for us since we had had shared safe houses before during the war. But it had been something new, in a way, since it was only us and had nothing to do with the war. We were moving in together since we wanted to take our relationship to another 'level'. That and morning sex.

Anyway, we had been living together for about two months when I found a ratty looking kitten outside at the front of the apartment complex. I had just came back from a walk to the local grocery store when I found it there, pacing back and forth, mewing pathetically. It was brown with spots of white and gray, dirty, full of fleas. It looked ratty, underfed, with its bones showing through the skin and fur and thin spiky tail, sticking up in the air. It's golden eyes spotted me and eyed me suspiciously as it backed up against the concrete alcove of the apartment complex entrance.

Immediately, my heart went out to it. It was so tiny, so helpless standing there, afraid. I couldn't very well leave the poor kitten there all day. I gently placed the grocery bag down on the ground and knelt down beside the thing. I cooed at it, trying to get its cooperation. When that didn't work, I reached into the grocery bag and grabbed a bag of cookies. I ripped it open and pulled out a cookie, crumbled it in my hand and fed it to the kitten. The kitten was suspicious at first, but it finally inched forward and began to eat from my hand. I smiled and gently lifted the kitten into my arms before grabbing the grocery bag and heading inside.

Now, I knew the kitten was full of fleas. That's why the first thing I did was march into the bathroom, lock the door and set to work. It wasn't very easy but since I was bigger and stronger and the kitten was weak from hunger and fatigue, I won and the kitten got its bath.

It was disgusting and I can't help but wrinkle my nose at the memory of seeing the clear water turn brown and the fleas that jumped out of the kitten's body to meet a watery death.

I scrubbed the kitten gentle, washing it with my shampoo. I had to give it three baths before I was finally satisfied with its cleanliness. Then I wrapped it in a towel and dried it. When the fur didn't dry fast enough, I pulled out the hair dryer and set to work on low heat.

By the time I was finished, Wufei was home (it had been my day off) and I was more than excited to show him our new pet.

I came out of the bathroom, wet and a bit rumpled, but satisfied and happy. I showed Wufei the kitten, beaming.

"Isn't he adorable?" I asked, smiling warmly.

The cat, face to face with Wufei, hissed.

Wufei's head jerked back and he looked a bit annoyed. "It's a cat."

"Yes, lover, and what am I?" I asked teasingly.

"What are you going to do with it?" he asked, eyeing the kitten with distaste.

"What do you mean 'what are you going to do with it'?" I asked, frowning. "I'm going to keep it, of course. What kind of name should we give it?"

"Trowa…If you want a cat, we can go to the local pet shop and buy one," he said. "You don't have to keep this stray."

I felt my joy drop down a notch at his disapproval. He didn't like the kitten. In fact, without saying it, he wanted it gone. Yes, it was ratty, underfed and ugly because of that but I was sure that once it got the proper care it would be fine!

"But I want to keep this kitten," I said firmly. I walked past him into the kitchen with the kitten cradled in my arms. It was probably hungry and some milk would do it good. That and I needed something to do while dealing with the fact that Wufei didn't like my choice of pets. Couldn't he see this kitten needed a home? And we can give it to him! Anger and hurt boiled inside of me as I placed the small kitten on the kitchen table before moving over to the refrigerator and getting the milk. I poured it into a dish and placed it in front of the kitten. Immediately the small thing began to lap away happily, filling its stomach with the filling liquid.

Behind me, Wufei sighed. "All right, we'll keep the kitten. But you're going to be the one taking care of it, not me. I don't have time to take care of kittens." Then he went to his room to change out of his Preventers uniform and take a shower. He always did that after coming home from work.

Standing in the kitchen, I swallowed back my own disappointment and watched as the kitten drank its milk.

~*~

When I first started dating and getting to know Wufei, I learned that he always took care of things that he loved and cherished, such as his sword collection. I remember the first time he showed it to me. All of the swords were in top condition, shining beautifully on the table on top of a velvet cloth where he wrapped them in. I had been very impressed by them. I never saw a finer set of swords before, especially in this day and age.

It wasn't only his sword collection that he took care of, he also took care of his books, the calligraphy set I bought for him on his seventeenth birthday, the tea set that belonged to his family, the scrolls that hung on his wall…Everything. He took care of literally everything he owned. Nothing was in bad condition, even the older things that belonged to his family, which was as old as anything could get.

He also had a love for beautiful things. Everything he bought was beautiful, elegant, and simply breathtaking. He adored beautiful things and always made sure everything he bought held a certain charm and beauty. He liked looking at them, having them there and presentable. Even something as rug was a work of art, the china was expensive and delicate, and the paintings on the walls were as good as their originals, locked away in the museums. He loved beauty, elegance and charm. That was why I always wondered how he could love someone like me. I was nothing like his possessions, not beautiful or elegant or charming. I'm just Trowa Barton, nothing special.

After taking care of the kitten for a few weeks, the kitten started showing some promise. He started filling out wonderfully, his fur got softer and more full, and its golden eyes were now bright instead of dull with hunger and fatigue. The fleas were gone, work done by a flea collar and visits to the vet. In short, the kitten was turning out just the way I wanted him to. I knew he had potential and now he was proving me right.

And it was also around then I started seeing that Wufei actually taking notice in that kitten. Before, when I first had it, Wufei ignored the cat and got annoyed when it approached him. The kitten had learned to avoid my boyfriend since he could be pretty irritated with it and didn't like to be yelled at.

But once the kitten started showing his potential at being a beautiful and elegant cat, Wufei started taking care of it. When I come home late, I find that Chocolate--that's the name I have him--has already been fed. Sometimes I forget to give Chocolate a bath but find later that he already got a bath, hours ago. And then there was that one time I noticed the collar was fraying and decided to buy a new one only to find, the next day, that Chocolate was wearing a new one, and a beautiful, elegant, one as well.

Of course I knew it was Wufei who did of all this. Who else could have? But I wondered why. Wufei never took interest in Chocolate before, why was he taking interest in him now? It didn't take long--after all, I did know Wufei pretty well--that he loved beautiful things and beautiful things only. He didn't like ugly things--which was exactly what Chocolate was before I started feeding and taking care of him. But once Chocolate was beautiful and healthy, Wufei liked him. He didn't complain about Chocolate anymore, instead, he I sometimes found him playing with the cat when he didn't have anything else to do. He also allowed Chocolate to sleep on his lap when he was reading a book or writing in his journal.

I was surprised and delighted at the fact that Wufei now took to Chocolate. Now there wouldn't be any more complaints and hissing around the house. But at the same time I was almost afraid and insecure again. Wufei loved only beautiful things; what was he doing with me?

Days and days I dwelled on this while going through the steady motions of life and living, to have a purpose and a will to continue. I went to work, I did what I to do every day, I came home and enjoyed my time with someone I loved. I learned that living was actually a pretty enjoyable thing and that having a passion for it inside only made it better. Of course, my insecurities still clung to me just a bit.

Then, I realized, after much thought and observation, that Wufei had seen me as beautiful since the beginning. It had been a hard fact to grasp and understand but when I did, I could barely contain the joy inside of me. Wufei had always seen me as beautiful; his taking to Chocolate proved that. He only loved Chocolate when the cat was cleaned up and worth a look at. But he had always loved me for who I was, and that had settled my fears once and for all.

Wufei wasn't unattainable anymore; he was just another human being except just a little more amazing. I learned that while living and loving him and it's a lesson worth learning. I've learned of my own self-worth in his eyes and my own and it seems that I do have a reason to live and not only exist. Wufei had shown me that--even if he doesn't know it himself.

~*Owari*~

Ah, I just had this dwelling in my head for a little while. Gomen-nasai if it doesn't make much sense to you--it doesn't to me either.

Started: July 11, 2001

Finished: July 13, 2001