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"Hi there, it's Steven Seagal here. You might know me from such hit movies as "Hard To Kill", "Exit Wounds" and "Half Past Dead". Since I understand how dangerous the streets can be to walk on (not to mention quite hot in the summer time), I have decided to let you all in on a few of my killer moves, so you never need to worry about getting killed or something worse. Just follow me as I take you step-by-step into the world of professional ass-kicking..." |
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DELIVERING AN ASS-KICKING PART 1 : What to do when a guy with no sleeves attacks you with a knife! |
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"The first step in this situation is to find a guy with no sleeves who wants to attack you with a knife. Depending on what part of town you're from, this can sometimes be difficult. Fortunately, since I've built a career on kicking ass, I usually find no shortage of punks who think they're better than me. Oh, look - here's one now!" |
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"The next step is to put bad thoughts into the guy's head. Use whatever is at hand to mentally attack him. In this case, I am making him feel unsettled at the fact that someone has stolen the bottom part of his trousers. This will give you an opportunity to surprise your attacker." |
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"When your attacker is feeling ashamed at whatever thoughts you put into his head, simply bang his knife-holding hand against something. I guarantee you it works 100% of the time. At least it does in every movie I've ever done, and since they're largely based on fact you can trust me that it'll work for you, too." |
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"Up till now it's been simple, right? Well here's where real skill comes into it. Once the knife is safely out of harm's way, you'll obviously want to get revenge on your attacker for spoiling your afternoon. Quickly feel around your attacker's body to find his most ticklish area. This is your striking point." |
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"Once you've tickled him to the ground, keep at him until he starts rolling around in fits of laughter. While he's in this state it should be easy to grab his wallet or any other items of value on him. Then again, being a mugger, he probably doesn't have much worth taking, so give him a swift kick to the nuts to say goodbye." |
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And thus concludes this week's lesson. Come back next week when Steven Seagal shows you how to disarm an attacker with a dirty handkerchief! |
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