Not So Fairy Fairy Tales
Disclaimer: ::yawn:: Late at night...::blinks awake:: ::ehem:: Anyways, this is a small series that I'm writing. Kinda like a series of fairy tales, but I've made 'em anime style...er...sorta. But never mind that. Please tell me whatcha think!
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Story 1: Heero and Gretel
Narrator: Once upon a time, far, far in the future, when war and famine emsumed the lives of the hopeless beings that lived--hey...wait a second...'Heero and Gretel'? What the HECK is up with that?? This is supposed to be 'HANSEL and Gretel'...
Set Manager: ::in a hushed whisper:: Heero wouldn't stand for being called 'Hansel'. He threatened to blow up the whole set if we gave him that name.
Narrator: ...and Relena was okay with this? She's supposed to be Gretel.
Set Manager: Not really...she cried for about an hour because she wanted to be in 'Cinderella'. But, big surprise, she didn't get the part. When we told her that Heero was going to be 'Hansel', she burst into tears because the story wouldn't end romantically for the both of them...
Narrator: But what about the whole 'war and famine' bit? This is supposed to be in a far of peacful land in the FOREST.
Set Manger: We ran out of scenery supplies, what did you expect? We had to use a real world set.
Narrator: ... ::sigh:: Fine. Where was I? Oh yes. There lived a young teenage boy named Heero, and his younger sister, Gretel. Their parents had died, and the two siblings were forced to live on their own. One day, they went out to look for food, just like every other day. But THAT day was different...
Gretel: ::walking beside Heero, clutching her shawl around her:: Heero, I'm so hungry...when are we going to find food...?
Heero: ::walking as well:: ::snort:: How am I supposed to know?
Director: CUT! Heero, baby, she's your loving, adorable little sister. Show some compasion, okay? Let's try again...ACTION!
Gretel: Heero, I'm so hungry...when are we going to find food...?
Heero: ::sigh:: I don't know, Gretel, I just don't know. I'm hungry too...I don't know what we're going to do...
Gretel: ::looks up:: ::gasp:: Heero, LOOK! ::points:: What's that??
::Heero looks up to see something in the near distance. It looks like a moble doll::
Heero: ...I don't know...let's go look.
::they run over to the machine, and it is in fact a moble suit::
Gretel: ::walking around one of the legs, her hand running over the surface:: What is it doing here??
Heero: I wonder if it works...?
Gretel: ::sniffs the suit:: Wait a minute...Heero...it's made of candy!!
Heero: ...?
Gretel: ::licks it quickly:: Yes, it's candy! Vanilla frosting! Yum!
Heero: ::pokes one of the bolts in the 'metal'. The bolt falls out, turning out to be a jawbreaker:: ... ::pops the jawbreaker into his mouth::
Gretel: ::rips off a piece:: And the build is actually peppermint hard candy! ::gnaws at the chunk of food::
Disembodied voice: Hey, you! Get your mouths off of my Gundam!
Gretel: ::shrieks and drops the candy:: Who was that?! ::runs over and hides behind Heero::
Disembodied voice: Who do you think you are, eating my beautiful mobile suit like that??
Narrator: There is silence, only Gretel's whimpers can be heard. Then, the voice's owner jumps down from the cockpit!
::nothing happens::
Narrator: ... ::ehem:: I *said*, the voice's owner jumps down from the cockpit!
Set Manager: Um...can you stall for just a second? Trowa wasn't satisfied with the costume we gave him. He's in his dressing room, giving the costume designer the lecture of his life.
Narrator: For God's Sake, what is with these people? WHAT in Heaven's name was wrong with his costume?
Set Manager: He said it had too much pink in it.
Narrator: What the--that's rediculous! Get him out here!
Set Manager: Never mind, we've gotten a replacement for Trowa. He's getting in place now. Stall for a sec, will you?
Narrator: No! I'm doing MY job, you people should be doing yours! I should've become a dentist, mother said I had a knack for it...
Set Manager: Perfect. Quatre's ready now. Go ahead.
Narrator: ::indifferent voice:: The voice's owner jumps down from the cockpit.
Quatre: ::runs to the end of the cockpit platform, trips on his cape, and goes hurtling off the edge:: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Gretel: ::eyes follow Quatre to the ground::
Quatre: ::thud:: ...ouch...
Heero: Well?
Quatre: ::gets to his feet, brushing his cape off:: What do you think you're doing, eating my mobile suit? It doesn't belong to you!
Gretel: But sir, we're two starving orphans with nothing to eat! Please, give us some food!
Quatre: ::ponders:: Hnmm...maybe I was a tad too harsh. Go ahead, eat all you want!
Gretel: Really? Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! ::latches on to the suit, gnawing away::
Quatre: ::makes a face:: ...yeah...don't you want any, little boy?
Heero: ::watching Gretel sutffing her face:: I've decided that being a starving orphan's okay.
Quatre: But I insist.
Heero: ::shrug:: ::grabs another jawbreaker::
Quatre: ::thinking to himself:: Hehe, when they get all nice and fat from the candy, I'll make a nice big meal of the two of them--::blink:: ::out loud:: EW!! EWWWWW! I can't do that! That's canabalism!!
Director: CUT! Quatre, you're not actually going to eat them, don't worry.
Quatre: That's not the point! What kind of fairy tale IS this, where people like myself EAT children? What kind of message are you playing for little kids these days?!
Director: It's not intended to give kids the wrong message, it's to show them not to trust strangers...I guess.
Quatre: And you kiss your MOTHER with that mouth?
Director: ...what does that have to do with anything?
Quatre: ::sigh:: Never mind. I'll 'eat' them, but I expect double pay for this!
Heero: ::looks up from the mobile suit, face stuffed with frosting:: We're nof geffinb paif pher fis.
Quatre: Pardon?
Heero: ::swallows:: We're not getting paid for this.
Quatre: WHAT?! I want my lawyer--and my MOMMY!! ::storms off the set::
Narrator: Wait...we're NOT getting paid?
Gretel: ::chewing on a jellybean:: Can I just eat this stuff for my pay?
Set Manager: ::to Narrator:: Don't worry, we're replacing the replacement. Trowa finally got the costume the way he wanted.
Narrator: So we have to start all the way over?
Set Manager: From the part where he jumps.
Narrator: Fine. The voice's owner jumps down from the cockpit.
::yet again, nothing happens::
Narrator: ::stressmark:: What a surprise. Where's the voice's owner?
Trowa's voice: ::struggling:: Hold your horses, dammit! My bangs are stuck in the frosting!
Narrator: ...I think I'll quit now...
Trowa: Never mind! I got 'em out. I'm fine now, go on.
Narrator: I think we all know by now what the voice's owner does.
Trowa: ::jumps down from the cockpit:: What do you think you're doing, eating my precious mobile suit? It's not yours!
Gretel: But sir, we're two starving orphans with nothing to eat! Please, give us some food!
Trowa: ::ponders:: Hnmm...maybe I was a tad too harsh. Go ahead, eat all you want!
Gretel: Really? Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! ::goes back to eating::
Trowa: ::to Heero:: Don't you want any, little boy?
Heero: ::watching Gretel sutffing her face:: Once again, I've decided that being a starving orphan's okay.
Trowa: But I insist.
Heero: No, thanks.
Trowa: ::through clenched teeth:: Eat the machine, dammit.
Heero: ::shrug:: ::grabs another jawbreaker::
Trowa: ::thinking to himself:: Hehe, when they get all nice and fat from the candy, I'll make a big meal of the two of them...
Gretel: ::still eating::
Narrator: Well, it was pretty late in the day when the two kids were full on candy. In fact, it was dark out, and they decided to get some rest. As they settled down at the base of the half eaten mobile suit, they were unaware that the man they had met earlier was watching them.
Trowa: ::thump:: Ouch! I can't see a thing...! Ow! Hey, watch it! ::stumbles:: Someone turn on a light or something!
Narrator: But unfortunatly, he had forgotten to wear his night vision goggles, and thusly wandered around blindly until he stumbled upon the two kids.
Heero: ::yelp:: OW! That's my HAND!
Trowa: Well, don't leave it where I can step on it!
Director: Heero, you're supposed to be innocently asleep!
Gretel: ::yawn::
Trowa: Just shut up so I can do this!
Heero: ::cradling his hand:: Fine.
::silence::
Trowa: ::struggling to pick Gretel up:: Geez, for a starving orphan, this kid is heavy...
Narrator: And as he struggled to move the two bloated children, the man decided that he had been a pretty big idiot, letting them eat so much.
Trowa: I HAVE a name, y'know.
Narrator: Not in this story you don't.
Trowa: ::grumble:: Move, you stupid kid! ::pulls harder::
SNAP!
Trowa: AHHH!! My back! I threw out my back! ::whimper::
::the artificial sun goes on, and a few medics run out onto the set, lifting Trowa onto a stretcher::
Narrator: Well, we're screwed.
Set Manager: ...I know what! Quatre can--
Narrator: I SAID, we're screwed.
Director: CUT!! That's not in the script!
Narrator: Neither was Hansel's new name, or Quatre falling from the platform, or Trowa throwing out his back.
Director: ...
Narrator: Oh, I have you there, do I? Think I should be director now, do you?!
Director: No, not really...Just use Duo.
Set Manager: But Duo was supposed to be the person who saves Heero and Relena.
Director: Oh well. Their parents can do that.
Heero: We're starving orphans, we don't have parents.
Gretel: Or maybe we're just orphans now.
Narrator: And what about the bread crumbs? Weren't they supposed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so they could find their way back home?
Director: They ate the bread. They were hungry, you know.
Heero: Actually, Duo ate the bread. He needed it for his sub sandwitch.
Gretel: And we don't have a home, either.
Narrator: THAT'S why this story is so messed up!
Director: Then get Quatre to do it.
Set Manager: Didn't he quit?
Narrator: ::muttering:: Lucky jerk...
Heero: How about Wufei?
::silence::
Wufei: ::comes into view reading a book titled 'Cooking for Bakas'::
Set Manager: ::taps his shoulder and whispers something to him::
Wufei: WHAT?! Injustice! How dare you ask me to lower my standards like that!
Director: ::sigh:: Well, looks like we've wasted thousands of dollars, hundreds of man hours, and countless supplies to do this. Good job, everyone. Let's go home.
Narrator: ...that's it?
Director: That's it.
Wufei: Wait...what would I have to do?
Director: Just follow the script. ::tosses Wufei a copy::
Wufei: ...Very well. I will restore justice to this hopeless story.
Narrator: Damn. And we were so close...
Director: You will?
Gretel: Thank you, Wufei!
Heero: ...do we have to--
Narrator: Start over? God no, let's just start where Trowa left off. It's dark, no one will know the difference. The faster we do this, the faster I can leave and start my carrier as a dentist. Okay, the guy is trying to move Heero.
Wufei: ::dragging Heero into the truck behind him:: Geez...how does Yuy fit into his spandex when he ways so much?!
Gretel: ::snore::
Wufei: ::finally gets Heero into the back of the truck:: Now for the girl.
Gretel: ::snore::
Wufei: ::tries dragging Gretel, but finds she's even heavier than Heero:: INJUSTICE! AN ACTOR OF MY STATIS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF WORK!!
Narrator: Actor? High statis? What actor of high statis? I see no such actor...
Wufei's Stunt Double: ::hurries over:: I shall help! ::drags Gretel easily into the truck::
Wufei: ::pats double on the head:: Justice has been served.
Gretel: ::snore::
Wufei: ::climbs into the truck::
Narrator: And as the children slept, the man, who we now know as Wufei, drove them back to his secret lab. When he had gotten them inside, Gretel stirred awake.
Gretel: ::stirrs:: Where am I? Who--
Heero: ::shoves her:: Shut up, I'm trying to sleep over here. ::turns onto his side and falls asleep again::
Director: CUT! Heero, wake up, we haven't got time to do this. Get up!
Heero: ::snore::
Gretel: ::sigh:: Let's just start this scene over.
Director: Fine. ACTION!!
Gretel: ::stirrs:: Where am I? Who--
Heero: ::snore::
Gretel: ::shoves Heero:: Pssst! Heero!
Heero: ::snore::
Gretel: HEERO! C'mon! Wake up!!! ::pokes him::
Heero: ::yawn:: Go away. ::closes his eyes::
Gretel: Heero, this isn't fun anymore! It never WAS fun! I wanna be your girlfriend, not your sister! At LEAST make this easier and wake up!
Heero: ::snore::
Gretel: He couldn't even do that one thing for me! I'm going home!! Call me when a different part opens up, I'll do that one instead. ::storms from the set::
Director: What is it with these people? It's just a simple fairy tale!
Narrator: Well, we've kinda warped it.
Director: Get Hilde out here!
Set Manager: But she's--
Director: GET HILDE!
Set Manager: Fine. Be right back.
Hilde: ::comes out of her dressing room:: I have to be Gretel now? But I was supposed to be one of the three little pigs...
Director: Just do this for me, will you??
Hilde: But I don't know the lines.
Director: Read 'em off the cue cards.
Hilde: Alright. ::sits down next to Heero and closes her eyes::
Director: ACTION!
Hilde: ::opens her eyes:: ...Where am I? Who--
Heero: ::yawns and sits up:: What's wrong, Gretel? ::looks at Hilde:: AHH! What did you do to Gretel?
Hilde: I'm Gretel, Heero. Relena decided--
Heero: I can't believe we've been related all this time, and Relena was posing as my fake sister!
Hilde: ...I think you missunderstood me...
Heero: The tradgey of it all!
Hilde: ...are you even listening to me?
Director: CUT! Heero, she's taking Relena's part for now. Just go along with it.
Heero: ...oh.
Hilde: Yeah.
Narrator: ::yawn:: Can we go home now?
Director: ACTION!
Heero: Gretel? Are you alright?
Gretel: I--I think so. But where are we?
Wufei: ::enters the room:: Welcome, feeble minded children, to my laboratory!!
Gretel: What are you going to do with us?
Wufei: That's simple! I'm going to preform experiments on you!
Heero: But aren't you supposed to eat us?
Wufei: Silence! There's no talking in my lab! Now, what to try first...?
Gretel: -_-;; (hehe, that was fun)...This story is so messed up.
Narrator: Thank you.
Wufei: How about I--
High pitched voice: Oooooooooh, Wufeiiiiiii!!!! Guess what?!!!!
Wufei: ::drops his clipboard:: No...not today...it CAN'T be...!!
Heero: What?
Gretel: ...What's wrong?
High pitched voice: Guess what!! Mom says you gotta play with me!
Wufei: ...it's my stupid older brother...he's ALWAYS bothering me, coming into my secret lab...
Heero: ...haven't I seen this before?
Gretel: Y'mean on tv?
Heero: Yeah.
Gretel: ...Dexter's Lab?
Heero: Yeah.
Wufei: 3...2...1...
Duo: HIIIIIIIIIIIII, Wufei!!! ::twirls into the room::
Wufei: Do-do, get out of my lab!
Duo: Whhhhhyyyyyyy???
Wufei: Because I said so!
Duo: Why?
Wufei: Because.
Duo: Because why?
Wufei: ARGH! Just get out!!
Duo: ::walks over to Heero and Gretel:: Who're these people??
Gretel: Help us! He's trying to eat us!
Duo: ...'eat' you? ::looks to Wufei::
Wufei: I'm NOT going to eat them, I'm going to experiment on them! Now OUT!
Duo: That's not very nice!
Wufei: Well, I'm not a very nice person.
Duo: Aw, c'mon! Let 'em go! Pleeeease???
Wufei: ...why? I practically broke my back getting them here.
Trowa: ::from the medical room:: Ow...
Narrator: This story is getting to be too long.
Director: You're right. Wufei, skip to the part where they get away.
Wufei: WHAT?! No way, I'm doing this thing all the way through, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind.
Ten minutes later...
Director: ACTION!
Trowa: ::limping:: Very well, kids. I've decided that I won't eat you or experiment on you. You're free to go! ::closes the door behind them:: ::limps off the set::
::Wufei's voice can be heard yelling off the set as well::
Heero: ...that's it? We're free?
Gretel: Guess so. Wanna get a smoothie?
Heero: Sure.
Narrator: And they lived happily ever after! Except, of course, until they had to pay the dental bills from all that candy...then the lived toothlessly ever after. G'night folks!
Tiny Tim: God bless us, everyone. ::points:: Except for that guy, he popped my balloon!!! ::bursts into tears::
Director: CUT! Aaaaaaand, PRINT!
A/n: YAY!!! That was messed up! Good fer me! ^___^
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