The Dao Deh Discordia (aka Triple-D)

Pope Lousy Sewer, sage and scholar of the Discordian Daoists.

Introduction What you have here in front of you is the product of three days of not so hard work by a discordian daoist. I was reading the Dao on May 23rd, 2000, and I had a sudden new appreciation for Eris and Discordia. Soon, I began to see the two paths as nearly the same. From this inspiration I came up with this discordian translation of the classic work. It's partially serious, partially funny, though I urge you to not take it all that seriously. Yes, this is my own path more or less but you must find your own way. Looking at it, this book would be great to use for bibliomancy (using books to gain intuititive insight; some use it to get bible verses that would apply to them.) Hail Eris!
(Oh yeah, if you wish to reference the real Tao Te Ching, there are eight translations at I used the John Wu translation, which can be purchased from the wonderful folks at Shambhala Publishing.)

Primal Chaos is deeper than man made distinction. We call it Eris, however. From Mother Eris does all things spring, both hidden and manifest. Consult your pineal gland for more information.

Distinctions we see everwhere. Pretty and Ugly, Good and Evil, Hodge and Podge.
Don't take things too seriously. Avoid lust of result too. Don't resist change if you don't have to.

If you go too far exalting the "sacred," pain will manifest. Just do thy Will and let others do theirs.

Primal Chaos is limitless, and apparently timeless. Hail Eris!

Eris blows where she will. The Discordian is willing to face change. Consult your pineal gland for more information.

Primal Chaos, called Eris, is eternal. Consult your pineal gland.

Primal Chaos is not self absorbed, therefore it abides. Do thy will.

Since all foundations are shifting sands, so too the Discordian is able to "go with the flow." Know thyself. Try to keep the ol' ego in check. Have some working knowledge of maintaining mundane affairs. Do thy will.

If you're too greedy, you will only reap a crop of calamities. Do your work, then chill!

Hello, this is your inner child. I've retained my childhood purity and am not a slave to Da'ath. Let's do lunch. Oh yeah, consult your pineal gland. Also, it's good to help others, but don't be too grasping about it. Do thy Will.

If the vase weren't hollow, would it be of any use?

Sometimes, peace and calm are ideal. Consult your pineal gland.

Shit happens. But hey; life goes on, and life can get better. Eris blows where she will. Your body won't last forever. Neither will your calamities. Love is the Law.

Ultimately, Primal Chaos is formless. Unfathomable. Undefinable and Unimaginable. Timeless. Grok?

The Ancient Discordians were hard to finger, for they followed the will of Eris. And no, you pervert, not THAT kind of finger.

All I'll say here is:
Consult your pineal gland.

Just do thy will. Trying to boss around others is not cool.

When Eris was abandoned, Greyface began to overrun the land. Many aeons later, there appeared Malaclypse and Omar Ravenhurst.

Quit trying to be clever, just, or sly. Then everything will get better. Well, if you believe all that "the world is a mirror of you" stuff.

Do thy will. Consult your pineal gland. Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

Be ready to accept change. Go with the flow. Consult your pineal gland.

Same as 21 except that you also need to Do thy Will. Remain whole and everything will flock to you. No blame.

Boisterousness might not have worked as well as we had hoped. Do thy Will. Have faith in others. Hail Eris!

Just some stuff about not setting your heart on glorifying yourself. Well, who likes a pompous fool? Do thy Will.

Eris is the great mother. She follows her own ways. Heaven follows Eris's ways. Earth wants to be just like her big sister, Heaven. Man plays along with Earth just so he can get laid.

You really need to chill, yo. Consult your pineal gland.

Don't leave a provervial paper trail. Waste not, want not. Consult your pineal gland. It's all about respect, yo.

Just kick back and let go. Find your inner child. Stay behind the scenes. If you can, insert stuff about virtue here. The grand mastah doesn't make needless effort.

To everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn). Can't own Eris, can't own Heven, can't own Earth, can't even own man totally, so to try would be futile.
Overindulgence has it's price.

Why bother trying to take over the world with weapons? Why dwell on weapons anyway? Just keep some around for defense, and continue enjoying life.
When you must fight, and you win, be a good winner. .

Verily, verily I say unto thee my brethren, do not set your hearts on having kewl weapons. Have them only for emergencies and then don't think about them otherwise. Nay, don't even glory in your victory, for with victory is a funeral.

Tao, er, Primal Chaos is nameless, unless we decide that day to call it Eris. But isn't even Primal Chaos a name? Oh well, never mind, let's see..hmm...
well, that's basically it. :-)
Consult your pineal gland.
Oh yeah, know when to quit.

Know thyself. Consult your pineal gland. Do thy Will.

Eris flows like a flood.
Can you herd a herd of cats? Well, this is harder. Just chill, maaaan. Just flow.

He who possesses the Sacred Chao will attract all things to him. Well, that's what Eris said, anyway. Consult your pineal gland for more information.

Hey, maybe instead of beating the piss out of someone who argues with you, maybe instead take a gentler approach. Water is soft, yet it dissolves rock.

Does Primal Chaos dwell on its designs? No. So just chill for a bit, alright? Do thy Will.

(insert lecture on virtue/non-virtue here).
Consult your pineal gland.

Chill out, yo. Like, be One with everything, and everything will be alright. For is that not what the buddhist asked the hot dog maker?
"Make me One with Everything."

A wise man once said: "Spirits are desires wishing to incarnate." I believe it was Austin Osman Spare. It's the freakin' Circle of Life, man. Incorporeal born of corporeal and vice versa.

When a Discordian hears of Eris, he laughs.
When a wannabe discordian hears of Eris, he memorizes the Principia Discordia and quotes it as gospel.
When Greyface hears of Eris, he gets afraid, and fear is the path to the Dark Side, man.
Of course, that's all just a simplification. Everything you know is a lie, maybe.

Tao gives birth to One, One gives birth to Two, Two gives birth to Three, Three gives birth to the myriad things. And lo, for apparently there was a lot of action going on, if you know what I mean, for all that birthgiving to happen.
You can gain by losing; and lose by gaining.
Oh, and he who lives by the word dies by the sword, if Lao Tzu's father can be believed. Oh well, at least we know what 42 means now.

Water dissolves Rock.
Apply that training to your daily living.
Silence is golden.

Know when to quit, and then you'll be fine.
Consult your pineal gland.

Great Perfection seems imperfecct,
Great Fullness seems empty,
Great Straightness seems crooked,
Great Skill appears clumsy,
Great Eloquence sounds like stammering,
So, just be imperfect, starved, crooked, clumsy and a stammerer, and everyone will love you anyway.Seriously tho, just learn to chill.

Tao-ful world,
Horses will shit in fields.
Tao-less world,
War horses will do it in the suburbs.
So, if the world becomes Tao-ful, watch where you step while farming.
Thou shalt not covet.
Know when to quit.

The more you travel, the less you know. Couch Potatoes of the World Unite!

To the world winning contest!
Rules: Each contestant must diminish daily. The first one to renounce all, with no private ends to serve, wins. All contestants will receive going away prizes.

The Discordian knows when something can't be done. A Discordian knows how to party on and be righteous to others.

Never go anywhere without your thirteen companions. Hey, good company is hard to come by.

Eris needs no churches.
Consult your pineal gland.

Primal Chaos was the beginning.
Know Eris, know her children.
Block your colon!
Shut off your urinary tract!
And to the end of your days you will not be worn out from excretory functions.
Open your bowels!
Multiply your trips to the bathroom!
And to the end of your days, you will wear yourself out from all that shitting.
Consult your pineal gland.

With but the tiniest grain of sesame, do I eat my cheesburger! Plain meat, cheese, and bread goes very well down one's stomach, and yet everyone wants Big Macs and Quarter Pounders and Whoppers!
The sandwiches are filled with taste, but they will give you heart attacks.
They eat with mayonnaise
and special sauce
and pickles
and ketchup
They are the heralds of obesity and heart failiure. As for plain eating, what do they know of it?

Gardening lessions:
1. Plant it well so it can't be uprooted.
2. Make sure you have your children and grandchildren help you.
3. Cultivate it well, for in you it will be part of you, cultivate it in the family, and it will never go hungry. Cultivate it in the community and it will be well fed and grow strong. Cultivate it in the state and it will never go hungry, nor the world, if you cultivate there.
4. Make sure you know which is which.

Harmony Test:
1. Lock yourself in a room with wasps, poisonous serpents, fierce beasts, and birds of prey.
2. Do the wasps and poisonous serpents sting you? Do the fierce beasts seize you? Do the birds of prey maul you?
3. If you answer no to all of the above, then you embody perfect harmony.
4. Just let things go at their own pace.
5. Hail Eris!

He who knows does not speak.
He who speaks does not know.
Naturally, writing doesn't count.
"Make me One with Everything," said the Buddha to the Hot Dog Vendor.

The Discordian says: "Do thy Will."
No, wait, that's what the Thelemites say.
Oh well. Just try to leave well enough alone, and in theory, everything should correct itself.

The Discordian squares without promenading, carves without disfiguring herself, straightens without bending, bends without straightening, and dazzles the hell out of others who are close minded. Hail Eris!

In governing and serving a family, there is nothing like the Frugal Gourmet! Okay, that was too easy. Moving on...

Ruling a Big Mac is like cooking a small kingdom.
Ooops, got that backwards!
Anyway, you must have proper control over the condiments or there will be chaos! Special Sauce everywhere! Oh man....

(insert sexist diatribe about feminine lowering herself to masculine here.)
In the words of the great Edward G. Robinson:
"I bowed lower than my brothers before the Egyptians, now the Egyptians bow low before me."

Eris said that we are free.
Consult your pineal gland.

....Nothing that hasn't been said by Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu, etc. There's no such thing as a free lunch!

Only babies cry over spilled milk.
You can't lose what you don't have.
Your principal possesses a rule and measure.
You think you're so clever, don't you.
Well, let me just beat that devil of cleverness out of you!
Don't make me reach far over there!
There, harmony will return to school. Now get a cushion and go back to class!

Nothing new to report.
Moving on....

The first step to greatness is to become a huge fan of Sisters of Mercy. The second step is to cook just as well as the Frugal Gourmet. The third is to watch "Titanic" twenty-three times. I'm king of the world, baby!
Nonsense, you say? Well, yeah.

Being warlike is never kewl. Being a powermad boss is never kewl. Is water not below the surface? Don't rain on peoples parades, man.

Just some boring war strategy stuff. Basically, don't underestimate one's enemy. Don't be so anxious to move ahead. No blame.

If everyone knew of Discordia, it would just be commercialized. Everyone would be wearing cheap What Would Eris Do? bracelets.

Da'ath is ignorance
Binah is insight
When will you leave the abyss?

Do thy will, but nobody likes an asshole.
Consult your pineal gland.

Discretion is the better part of valor.
Sometimes you don't even need to fight.

Sigh...more political death penalty stuff....

Why is the employee starving?
Because the boss pushes too hard.
Why is the employee hard to manage?
Because the boss is a powermad asshole.
Why do they do such a bad job?
Hey, would you bother trying to handle such a bad job?

And the caveman elder said:
Live man like water;
Dead man like rock.

Therefore, water live, rock dead.

Lust of result takes much energy.
Heaven works by supplying the less-than-enough with store from the more-than-enough (aka the Robin Hood method). It's just that simple.
Just Do It.

See chapter 76.
Everything you know is wrong.

Already adequately stated in Chapter 74.

Yes, I know those last two chapters sucked. But there's only one more chapter to go! Yay!

I could do a discordian pardoy of this chapter, but hey, it would be just as wordy as the real thing. So, just enjoy life, party on, and be righteous to each other. You are Free!
Hail Eris!

Hosted by