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mc chris - Life's A Bitch And I'm Her Pimp |
When I'm on the mic, the girlies wanna flizz-irt, but I tell 'em chill like a DQ Blizzard. (DQ Blizzard)
Fett's Vette
| Cruisin' Mos Espa* in my Delorian*,
War's over I'm a peacetime Mandalorian*. My story has stumped star wars historians Deep in debate buffet plate at Bennigans. Rhyme renegade sure to penetrate First and second defense I won't hesitate. Got a job to do Darth's the guy that delegates. Got something against Skywalker someone he really hates. I don't give a fuck. I'm after Solo For all I care he could be hiding at Yoda's dojo. Got make the money, credit's no good When the Jawas run the shop in your neighborhood. Think you can cook? I got a grappling hook. Let's make this quick cuz I'm really booked. I'm a devious degenerate, defender of the devil, Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level. |
* Mos Espa: Anakin Skywalker's hometown on the planet Tatooine. * Delorian: * Mandalorian: a person from the planet Mandalore; they were hired by the Sith to fight the Jedis. Mandalorian armor is practically impenetrable, even to the Force. |
CHORUS
My backpack's got jets. I'm Boba the Fett.
I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance my 'Vette.
I chill in deep space, a mask is over my face.
I deliver the prize but I still narrow my eyes
Cuz my time I don't like to waste. Get down.
| I'm a question wrapped inside an enigma, Get inside the Slave One*, find your homing signal, From Endor to Hoth, Ripley* to Spock*, I'll find what you want, but there's gonna be a cost. Say my name is Boba Fett. I know my shit is tight. Start not acting right, you're frozen in carbonite. Got telescopic sight, flame throwers on my wrist. You still don't get the jist? Spiked boots are made to kick, Targets are made to hit. You think I give a shit? Your mama is a bitch! I'll see you in the Sarlaac* pit. You just flipped my switch, integrity been dissed. You scratchin on my itch. You know I shoot the gift. Got bambinas at cantinas waitin to lick my lusty lips, So I'll let you get back inside you're little space ship, Give you a head start, cuz I'm the sporting kind. Consider the starting line the sneaky smile I hide inside. Hope you have hyper drive, pray to stay alive. Don't try to slip me a five cuz I never take a bribe, To the beat of a different drummer, bad ass bounty hunter, Let no man put asunder or else they be put under, As in six feet. Got an imperial fleet Backing me up. Gonna blow up any attempt to defeat. They got the Death Star, got four payments on my car, Hand it over to Hammer head* at Mos Eisley bar. He used to carjack, now he's a barback Just goes to show how you can get back on the right track. As for me that's not an option, can't say that with more clarity. Me going legit would be like Jar Jar* in speech therapy. |
* Slave One: Boba Fett's ship * (Lt. Ellen) Ripley: main character in the "Alien" movie series; played by Sigourney Weaver * (Mister) Spock: Vulcan character on "Star Trek"; played by Leonard Nimoy * Sarlaac: a huge space creature that slowly digests its prey over thousands of years; Boba Fett was swallowed by one in "Return of the Jedi." * Hammer head: alien with the "t"-shaped head that works at Mos Eisley Cantina. They are actually called Ithorians. * Jar
Jar (Binks): |
CHORUS
| Slice you open like a tauntaun, faster than the Autobahn,
Or a motorbike in Tron*, do the deed and then I'm gone. Jaba has a hissyfit, contact Calrissian, Over a Colt*, the plan unfolds, no politic is legit. Back in the day when I was a slave Living live in the fast lane like in a pod race, My mean streak tweaked I became a basket case So this space ace split that place poste haste. Took up a noble cause called the Clone Wars Cuz life's not all about girls and cars, Getting fucked up in fucked up bars, See I'm not a retard or gay like DeBarge. I'm large and in charge with a face so scarred, A cold black heart that's been torn apart. The Sith wish that they had a dick so hard Cuz it's long, long ago in a pussy far, far. Call me "master," cuz I'm faster than Pryor on fire* I no longer have to hot wire. I'm a hunter for hire with no plans to retire, And all the sucka MC's can call me "Sire"! |
* Tron: 1982 scifi movie which features fast futuristic bikes; or the 1994 video game inspired by the movie. * Colt: Billy Dee Williams, who played Lando Calrissian, was the spokesperson for Colt .45 malt liquor (1996-97) * "Pryor on fire:" Comedian Richard Pryor nearly died after setting himself on fire in 1980 (possibly intentionally) |
CHORUS
DQ Blizzard
|
Yer rapper, he's whack Get up on the mic like a five on a fifty. |
* (Justin) Timberlake and Britney (Spears) * Whitney (Houston): recently admitted she has been addicted to cocaine * Iggy (Pop): punk artist who has also been addicted to cocaine * "Red Foreman in 'Robocop'": Kurtwood Smith (Red on"That 70s Show") also played Boddicker in "Robocop" (1987 ) *Carrot Top: prop comic who toured colleges in the early 90s (Audra has his autograph), and now does AT&T commercials. |
Word up, word up, word up, word up
And you know, whoa, whoa, whoa
|
CHORUS Half corn beef and cabbage, half Fred Savage*.
Word up, word up, word up, word up CHORUS |
* Lee Majors: star of the 1970s TV series, "The Six Million Dollar Man" * DQ Blizzard * Fred Savage * Jessica Rabbit: Roger Rabbit's wife in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" (1988) * Fraggle Rock: Jim Henson series (1983-1988) |
The Tussin
| Way back college boy asked to a high school dance Couldn't wait, but my date was in my friend's pants. Didn't know what to do, mc feeling blue, Til my best friend said that the red would get me through. Went to the Jewel with my crew, adults only box, In a second hand suit, bow tie, I'm a fox. In a car on the street, in my mouth, Swisher Sweet*. Down that shit at my crib in a one gulp feat. Room starts to turn like cheese, My stomach starts to churn like grease, On my knees like a rug burn beast, Like an intern tease* with a yeast (infection). All the while on the tile, feel like I got the flu. I think I'm gonna throw, I think this night is through. Ding-dong, date's arrived, and her dress is ripped. She don't know I'm on a Robotussin trip. In the back two girls going stag, fat asses. I demand from the date her sunglasses. Do a drop roll out the car like Axel*. I need an angel, I need some fucking Advil. I got a buzz bigger than a behive, Cough up my cookies let loose what's on the inside. |
* Swisher Sweet: domestic cigar * "On my knees...like an intern tease": reference to Monica Lewinsky * Axel (Foley): Eddie Murphy's character in the "Beverly Hills Cop" movies (1984, 1987, 1994) |
| CHORUS The tussin, the tussin, Put it down like it was nothing. Robocop* couldn't stop me puking and flushin'. No balls to be bustin', no fightin', no cussin', Just love for a drug called Robotussin. |
* Robocop: movie trilogy about a cyborg police officer (1987, 1990, 1993) |
| Way back college boy live on eleventh floor, Head out my window, wonder what I'm living for. Knock on my door. What's in store? It's my buddy, Bux With the rabbit-ear pockets saying he is out of luck. Need a forty for party thrown by Laura Kang at Rubin. All he's got is snot and a box full of Ludens. Tell him about the tussin, we're Hayden ho hustlin', Interupting discussions about Reaganomic repercussions. Fuck 'em. We're fuckin' chug-a-luggin'. Soon my stomach I'm huggin', I'm trippin' or something. My coat I button. Keep it down like a dungeon. You could call me the cough medicine curmudgeon. Frankly, the feeling's fuckin' fantastic. I'm tripping like Jesus in the desert when he fasted, Like it's the night before we all get drafted, Like we're rowing through some rapids with Kevin Bacon*, White water rafting. Like you're in Epcot Center* on acid? Exactly. CHORUS |
* Kevin Bacon: starred in "The River Wild" (1994) as a robber who hijacks Meryl Streep and her family raft while white water rafting * Epcot Center (Experimental Prototype Community |
Fuckin' Up My Christmas
(spoken) Steve Martin: So this the way I meet girls, you know? It's like, being cool. I've always had this problem with girls, and that is, and I'm sure everybody has this with members of the opposite sex. And, uh, and you know, you can start talking to them and you can be real cool and real confident up to a point. And then you start to ask them out or something and it's like, you lose control of your lips, you know. And you get nervous and mealy-mouthed, and then it's like, "Yeah! I'll be going to London for a couple of weeks. And then uh, hmm, I'll be back here in two wee--no, I gotta stop in New York for six days for some business there. I'll be back here in about, uh, three weeks. So listen, when I get back, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... (loses control of lips).
| Ladies that are fat, ladies that are skinny, Ladies that are all night on my jimmy, Ladies that won't charge me a buck fiddy, Just wanna get with me cuz I'm so pretty. Bitties who wanna bite off a little somethin' Best part's the top like a Drew Barry-muffin. Bitties that wanna turn on the love oven And cook up a casserole and Stove Top Stuffin', Don't stop the suckin' cuz you're filled with my gumption. Take care of my Beaker cuz I'm Honeydew Bunsen*. Gotcha jonesin' for my potion. Got my finger on the button. That's why mc be struttin'. Wish I could erase this erection. Honeys comin' at me from every direction, Lookin' for the love connection. Stinky, sweaty, sexin' without protection. So line up the contestants. I'll open their drawers like the kid in "The Sixth Sense." I won't persist this distance, gotta get up in this. She fuckin' up my Christmas! |
* Honeydew Bunsen and Beaker:
the two scientists from Jim Henson's "The Muppet Show"; they worked
at Muppet Labs; Bunsen did all the talking. Beaker just said "Meep
meep meep." Beaker was always the guinea pig for Bunsen's experiments. ............ 
|
CHORUS
Fuckin' up my Christmas is a new way of saying, "Fuckin' up my shit."
This is not so much a holiday-oriented song
As it is an exclamation of dismay at the sight of a beautiful woman.
| She fuckin' up my Christmas, biznitch. Catchin' glimpses in tiny tidbits. I was fine til you was in my business With you're volleyball booty and you're Frilly Pink tits. Yo what up with this? It mc chris. "M" in my name stand for monolith. No, that's not a lisp. You're a finalist. Here's a sash for that ass. It says "dominance." Here's my hotel key and some common sense: Get up to my suite or you're incompetent. Do you wanna be a winner or the opposite? So lick them lips, drop them shits and step on it. |
CHORUS
Steve Martin: So listen, uh, ya wanna come over to my place? Oh look, just in case hell does freeze over, where can I meet you? ... Ok. ... You people are sick.
The skits were transcribed by The Infamous Timmy and edited by me. Thank you, Timmy!
Harry Potter (Skit)
*phone ring*
mc chris: Yo, what's up!? It's mc, uh, I'm chillin' at the tracks, tryin' to
make some money. Call me back 201-386-4640. Ya wanna get the hit? Gimme a hit.
Peace out!
*phone beep*
Answering machine voice: You have one new message.
*phone beep*
John Bowie: Hey Chris, John Bowie, long time no talk man, what's up? Uh, just
driving around thinking of you. Heard you're doing a hip-hop record, uh, for
Tim, that's awesome man, wondering if I could, uh, get in on some of that action.
Uh, lay down some phat rhymes as it were. Uh, the uh--hey dude, watch where
you're going! Fuck!--sorry man, I'm driving. Uh, listen, yeah, so I want to,
uh, come in and, uh, and, uh, join in with some of the--the dope beats. Uh,
call me on my cel, I gotta play Harry Potter at a children's birthday party,
but that's not gonna be for a couple of hours. Maybe we can, uh, catch up later
on, ok man? So give me a call later on, we'll--we'll hook up. Nine one seven
five three--hey! watch where you're goin--Whaahhh!
Pop Punk Is Dead (Skit) [Chandler
played by John Gemberling]
Woman: Mr. Chandler, Mr. Ward's here to see you.
Chandler: Heyyyy!
Ward: Heyyyy!
Chandler: MC!
Ward: Ti-Tim Chandl--MC Chris in the house. Tim Chandler, New Pop. How are you
sir?
Chandler: Ahahaha, yeah. Oh I'm good, how are you?
Ward: I'm great sir, and you?
Chandler: Aha ha. I'm good. Listen, have a seat.
Ward: Thank you, thank you very much.
Chandler: Thank you, princess, you can go.
Woman: O-Ok
Chandler: Oh, let me start by thanking you, for a second.
Ward: Ok.
Chandler: The album--I got the pre-orders in they look great. The album sounds
great. You look like a million bucks.
Ward: Wow, thank you. Thank you very much.
Chandler: *sighs*
Ward: Wha-what's a matter Mr Chandler? You look like--is something the matter?
Chandler: You don't know what I'm going through. It's becoming more and more
apparent as the days tick by in my head that... that pop punk is dead and--and
hip-hop is the way of the future!
Ward: What?! Well, I guess it could be. I mean, you don't know for sure.
Chandler: These bands, they have nothing to sing about. Except, how girls they
love, and then the girls didn't love them and they ehhhmmm.
Ward: Well, come on that's good music, Mr.--
Chandler: Uhh! Give me a break! Egghead's got a song about how hotdogs taste
good. I know hotdogs taste good!
Ward: Hey, I know you do.
Chandler: I eat hotdogs!
Ward: I know, you have some on your desk.
Chandler: Ohh... Dirtbike Annie. Sure, they got a woman in the band, but she's
married.
Ward: But... it's a great band--
Chandler: It's a cocktease band!
Chandler: And they're my friends, dude!
Ward: They tease my cock!
Chandler: Mr Chandler!
Ward: You, kid! You're where it's at! Cause you could actually have sex with
women for Christ's sake.
Chandler: Uhh... I do.
Chandler: That's what I'm looking for, a man's man.
Ward: Yeah. Uh, that's who I am
Chandler: Alright, get the fuck out of my office.
Ward: Oh. Uh, ok Mr Chandler. Tha--thanks for seein' me.
Chandler: Aha!
Engine (Skit)
*phone ring*
mc chris: Yo, What's Up!? It's mc, uh, I'm chillin' at the tracks, tryin' to
make some money. Call me back 201-386-4640. Ya wanna get the hit? Gimme a hit.
Peace out!
*phone beep*
Answering machine voice: You have one new message.
*phone beep*
John Bowie: Hey Chris, it's John Bowie. Hi, uh, did you try and call me? Cause
I--I've been in the hospital in, uh, in traction and I, I think I, they told
me I fractured my liver. Which I--I didn't even know you could do. Anyway, listen,
I still want to do some stuff on your record, uh, while I was on Percodan I
thought of a word that rhymes with engine. So call me, and I'll tell you what
it is. Uh, yeah, so call--call me on my--on my cel man. I'll--i'll talk--talk
to you later. Call me. Bye.
Bench Warmer (Skit)
mc chris: Yo, What's Up!? It's mc, uh, I'm chillin' at the tracks, tryin' to
make some money. Call me back 201-386-4640. Ya wanna get the hit? Gimme a hit.
Gizzak!
*phone beep*
Answering machine voice: You have one new message.
*phone beep*
John Bowie: Hey Chris, it's Bowie. Uh, i'm at the PATH station. I--I was wondering
if I could crash on your couch, would that be cool? They locked me out of my
apartment. Uhm, so call me back. There's a--There's a payphone here. Some kid
stole m--my cel phone, but the joke's on him cause--cause Sprint shut it off.
Uh, just come by the station, alright? I'm gonna be sleeping on one of the benches.
