Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Cybernetic Ghost

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Cybernetic Ghost

(Giant monster hand crushes Dr. Weird's fortress and Dr. Weird and Steve run away)

<Carl's house>

(Carl is sleeping)

Robot: Fat man, arise!

Carl: Huh? Oh God!

Robot: Now you listen directly to me. For I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you what Christmas was like.

Carl: Alright.

Robot: This was Christmas for little Carl in 1968...

Little Carl: Oh boy! Oh boy! I hope this is a new mommy!

Carl's dad: Yeah, it's not. Unwrap it you little creep. We gotta be at work in an hour.

Little Carl: What is this there? What? Is this carpet, daddy?

Carl's dad: Carpet? No, no, it's Berber. That's an industry term.

Little Carl: Hey, it's like a flying magic carpet here. Look at this! I'm flying around in Egypt land!

Carl's dad: Hehe, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, cuz it's about to be magic flying dinner.

Little Carl: You can't eat carpet, silly daddy.

Carl's dad: No, of course you can't like that. You gotta boil it, til the glue gets soft, ya know. Aw geez, look at the time.

Little Carl: But it's Christmas, daddy! (Cries)

Carl's dad: You're not getting out of this. Put on your work boots and your respirator. I had to pull a lot of strings to get them to hire and 8-year old.

Little Carl: Don't make me go! I don't want to make insulation!

Carl's dad: Come on, yer late!

Little Carl: Oh God!

(Shooting lasers and Robot's foot stamps down in Little Carl's living room)

Robot: You remember that Christmas, don't you?

Carl: No, I, you know, I remember eating carpet, but not so much the lasers and the robots though.

Robot: The war of man against machine raged on through the early 70s. You don't remember because back then it was only a prophecy, but now, in the future, the past has occurred.

Carl: Just hang on a second, okay?

Robot: Surely.

Carl: You're the ghost of Christmas past, right?

Robot: That is correct.

Carl: Okay, well, I mean, you know that it's February, right?

Robot: I am a robot.

Carl: Well, ya know, obviously. What are you, stupid?

Robot: W- Well no I -- I will see you in December. Tomorrow.

Carl: Whatever there. Just lock the door on the way-- (Robot crashes through wall)

Robot: Do what?

Carl: Never mind, just leave! Oh great.

Shake: Hey Carl.

Carl: What? Why are you here? What else happened? Is my car messed up?

Shake: Alright, listen. I wouldn't bother you like this...

Carl: Something's wrong with my roof, isn't it? What, the robots on my roof, right? He's ripping up my shingles, what?

Shake: Carl, just relax. Listen, this is TOTALLY not a big deal. (Carl's swimming pool is filled with blood)

Carl: This IS a big deal! It's a VERY big deal! What is this?

Shake: Look, at first I thought this was that stuff that turns red when you pee in it, because I've had to pee here a number of times, but look at it, Carl. That's blood, my friend.

Carl: It's like someone wrang out a herd of cows though a juicer or something.

Frylock: (Using his Frydar) This is not cow blood, Carl. This is...elfin blood.

Carl: Who would do something like this to me?

Robot: I don't know, maybe...oh wait. I did it.

Frylock: So why did you fill Carl's pool with blood?

Robot: Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.

Frylock: No, no, that's alright. I think I can wait for it.

Shake: Well, I'M going to get food.

Robot: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.

Frylock: Well, that still doesn't tell me why you--

Robot: I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.

Meatwad: Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat.

Carl: Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen.

Frylock: So, about this blood...

Robot: Let's just wait for them. ...So you been in the neighborhood long, or...

Frylock: Well, I mean we moved here, next to Carl--

Carl: Okay, we're back.

Robot: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO the ice had made the globe invariable. Santa Ape did not know where the North Pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarily placed his workshop RIGHT HERE, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full Moon in front of a great red ape--

Frylock: Wait, wait, wait. Who? WHO unionized?

Robot: Wouldn't YOU like to know? Probably your mama.

Meatwad: It makes me sad that they had to open their toys in front of an ape and they were all made out of doo-doo. What kind of Christmas is that?

Frylock: It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull.

Robot: You don't believe?

Frylock? Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous--

Robot: WAS an ape. Now he is a MACHINE.

Meatwad: I left cookies and a glass of milk for a MACHINE?

Robot: No, man, he's an ape. I mean, NO, he is a machine. You are trying to mess me up on purpose.

Frylock: But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped, couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.

Robot: But the elves came from the Red Planet. There was much defecation.

Frylock: Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was?

Robot: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO--

Frylock: No, shut up. You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood.

Robot: I told you earlier. It was the Great Circuiting.

Frylock: You didn't mention no Great Circuiting.

Robot: Oh, I didn't? THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was a creature....
(Later that evening)
...and THAT is where babies come from, from machines.

Meatwad: Boy, that was some story. That kind of is different from what I remember being told about, you know, people loving each other, and you know physically.

Robot: NO! That is very wrong! You cling to you pathetic faith about fluid exchange. (Frylock is snoring) I am talking!

Frylock: Ooh, I'm sorry. I nodded off. What did I miss?

Meatwad: Well you should have been listening cuz he said that the elves tried to unionize cuz Santa Ape was using their machines and then that turned into a war between the elves and machines, and the machines won, and then this here, this here where we're standing on, this is an elfin playground.

Robot: Graveyard!

Meatwad: Something, and that's why Carl's pool is filled with blood cuz he over there, that ghost, he's haunting it cuz Carl desecrated it cuz he lives here. Something to about babies too, babies get made that way.

Frylock: Carl, did you get all that?

Shake: Hey Carl, wake up. You're wasted.

Carl: What?

Shake: You didn't hear a word he said, did you?

Carl: I guess not. What did he say?

Shake: I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off.

Carl: Alright fine, we'll do that.

Meatwad: And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless...

Robot: Unless Carl pays tribute to the elfin Elders in space.

Carl: I'll do it. What do I do?

Robot: You must give of yourself to the Great Red Ape.

Carl: Okay, how much?

Robot: Sexually.

Carl: Wonderful.

(Later, Carl is packed to move)

Frylock: Hey, man, you know you don't have to move. You could do that other thing that the robot talked about.

Carl: I know it's been a while, right, but I'm not going to get humped by a giant red gorilla in space, okay? No thank you. So get lost. I got a guy coming over here to hopefully put an offer on my bloody house. I don't need you over here freaking him out. (Gets into the shower) Oh God! (Carl comes out covered in blood)

Frylock: Whoa. I'll tell you what. Why don't you go next door and use our bathroom?

Carl: That's just what I want to do is, you know, get nude in your house.

Schooly: Eew, Carl. How you gonna sell this house full of blood, G?

Carl: (showing someone around the house) So, it's a full, you know, full 3/2. We got good schools here. You got the bonus room there with the...

Robot: We travel to Mexico tomorrow.

Carl: ...with the shrieking robot, and there he is, and in the summertime you got this. (Shows him the pool)

Man: I got a question. How long does this blood last?

Carl: I don't know. Let me talk to my blood guy here.

Robot: The elfin blood will flow forever for eternity from the elfin graves, forever.

Man: This is @#$%& great. I'm gonna line this thing with gargoyles for the sacrifices.

Carl: What's your name again?

Man: Danzig, mother@#$%^&

Carl: Huh.

Danzig: Now, uh, is there a way to get the blood to flow up the walls?

Robot: I don't see why not.

Carl: That's good right? Going up a wall? That's elf blood too. That's not cheap, you know.

Danzig: How much you want?

Carl: I don't know, maybe, I don't know, a million?

Danzig: Killer. Draft a check tomorrow.

Carl: You're serious. Thank you, God!

(Sometime in the near future)

Frylock: (Sees sprinklers sprinkling blood all over the house nextdoor) Does he have to run those damn sprinklers all the time?

Shake: It sure makes our house look a hell of a lot better.

Frylock: I'm gonna go talk to him.

Shake: He's coming over here! Okay, get out of here. I'll handle it. No, just go away. Meatwad, come on.

Danzig: Hey, buttwipe, open up.

Shake: Danzig, hey, how's it going, buddy?

Danzig: Yeah, yeah, you guys seen my robot?

Shake: No, we haven't

Meatwad: Yeah, he's right over there.

Shake: (to Meatwad) Shut up! (to Danzig) We haven't seen him.

Danzig: Cuz I'm a little low on the blood front right now, and he's supposed to be hooking me up with that.

Shake: I don't know what to tell you, I mean, I'll let you know if we see him. Hey, you want something to eat? I can go make you something in our...HAUNTED KITCHEN!

Meatwad: (Dressed as a ghost) Daaaaaanziiiiiig, you want something to eeeeeeeeeeat?

Shake: Not to change the subject, but have you seen how low the interest rates on mortgages are right now? It's a buyer's market.

Danzig: Now look. Listen to me as hard as you @#$%& can. That @#$%& robot came with the @#$%& house, and now he's #$%& gone. If you see that mother@#$%&...

Shake: We'll tell him.

Danzig: You @#$%& better, cuz if I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your @#$%& skull...

Shake: Okay, so, thank you...

Meatwad: Alright, man, you can come out now. He's gone.

Robot: I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt.

Shake: You make our house bleed right now!

THE END

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