We must have the year 1963 engraved in our minds, because this great Pontiff was elevated to the papal throne, and still is in it. His pontificate… ah! Only God knows this secret. What is certain is that, on his initiating his ecclesial government, he entered a tunnel, that only God and he know of. What do I wish to indicate by these words? I can only say that I had the good fortune of going to Rome in those days when he had just ascended his pontifical throne, and I could observe his gentle appearance, his optimism, his great kindness.
I spoke with him in an audience for those who speak Spanish, and I put in his hands a book, a little book that I wrote for him, which is entitled: "My Best Book." At that moment when I was delivering my book, this great supreme Pontiff was caressing my cheeks, smiling and amiable like a good father. And later on I was able to speak with him alone for just a few moments. At that time Paul VI was like a child who was ignorant of the fact that behind him there was a phantom: the group of Masonic cardinals, that became publicly known later. And when I returned to Rome in the year 1969, Paul VI was wan, exhausted, afflicted; and when also I was able to speak with him alone, he said to me, crying: "Preguen per me, my daughter, preguen per me!" (Pray for me, my daughter, pray for me!)
We are therefore now going to publish "My Best Book," and we beg all those good Catholics, faithful children of the holy, apostolic Roman Catholic Church, to pray for this beloved Vicar of Christ our Lord; and also, let us pray for his enemies.
May it be for the glory of God!
Mary Conzulo
My Best Book
With profound respect and veneration, and with all my filial affection, to His Holiness Paul VI. In the first year of his Pontificate.
May it be for the glory of God!
Author: Maria Concepcion Zuniga Lopez
Begun in Mexico City on August 27, 1963
Maria Concepcion Zuniga Lopez at age 28
Prologue
Most Holy Father, Pope Paul VI
With all respect I beg your pardon for my boldness in taking up your attention with these pages. But I humbly beg Your Holiness to deign to read them, in the presence of God Our Lord and of His Most Blessed Mother, the Virgin Mary.
I have called these pages "My Best Book," and I am going to explain this. Since childhood I have been occupied with writing. God gave me the gift of loving words. But for a while I was dedicated to this role of publishing almost professionally. I publish sporadically, in newspapers and magazines, articles and commentaries on modern topics: narrations, truthful stories, and, in one social magazine I write answers in a section called "Human Problems," by means of which I am able to carry out a true apostolate, oriented to some souls.
In private I maintain a certain index of materials that I will undoubtedly leave unpublished at death, if God does not dispose otherwise. It is in view, therefore, of living dedicated to writing that I called these pages: "My Best Book." It is my best book, because, in it, I am going to transmit to Your Holiness a divine message, an explicit message, exclusively for Your Holiness; in such a way that in these pages, indeed, I realize my objective. For which I give God munificent thanks, and I feel filled with happiness. At the feet of your Holiness I will begin, first, to refer briefly to the history of my life.
I wish to note in this prologue the purpose of this book, in order to emphasize its importance. Precisely today (August 27, 1963) it is two months since His Excellence, the Bishop of Zamora, Michoacán, gave me the good news that he would take me to Rome shortly, inasmuch as he had to go to the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council that your Holiness was kind enough to continue, when you succeeded John XXIII.
Since that day, in which I had such happy news, I began the proceedings conducive to organizing my trip. For two months I have run untiringly; I was hopeful, since at present, God our Lord permitted me to be totally poor, and thus, to make the trip to Europe with this expense, it was necessary to ask the charity of some persons. The task was arduous and pressing, the days and weeks were passing, and it seemed that I was not going to be left with a sufficient margin of time to prepare my documents with tranquillity, above all, the one that I want to bring to the holy hands of the Vicar of Christ our Lord on earth, and that forms the essence of the divine message. Nevertheless, two months were sufficient in the plans of the Lord, to permit me to have my ticket for Rome; and today, the 27th of August (the 27th, dedicated to the Most Holy Virgin of Perpetual Help, who is the Patroness of this mission), tranquilly I begin my writing.
Another consideration I must set down for Your Holiness in this prologue: the date since which there exists in my soul a fervent longing to go to Rome to bear this Divine Message, dates back to the pontificate of His Holiness, Pius XI, in the year 1932, the date on which I, most holy Father, received it from my beloved Jesus. Since then, it has been something like a divine urging, a type of hidden spiritual martyrdom. Several times I insisted that my superiors give me permission to send petitions. At times it was granted to me, and God always permitted it to be impeded.
Thus, Your Holiness, you must understand my immense joy, on seeing that it is Your Holiness, PAUL VI, to whom God wished that I pour out my soul and transmit His message. May God grant, and may I know how to do it fittingly, and may He give Your Holiness all the light that one day He promised me He would give you, so that, what I may not explain well because of my dullness, He may furnish, giving Your Holiness that illumination, and so that understanding may be established, or rather, harmony.
Most Holy Father: in the presence of God Our Lord, of the Blessed Virgin, the Co-Redemptrix, of the Holy Apostles, of our Father St. Joseph and our Father St. Francis of Assisi, I swear to tell the truth in everything that I must relate in these pages, at the feet of Your Holiness.
May it be for the glory of God! Amen.
Chapter I
Predestination
I believe, Most Holy Father, that God Our Lord deigned to predestine me for His holy service. I believe that predestinations in this respect are, in a way, a divine charism that no one, least of all a person as unworthy as I, can merit. That explains how I, being an ordinary child, when I made my first communion, received the first divine grace, setting me on the path for the mission of my life. I was the daughter of an honorable family, but not a very Christian, much less pious, one. The environment of my paternal home was one of vanity, luxury and comfort. Life was spent for the body, and little or nothing was for the soul. My father was an unbeliever, a man of the Government, a revolutionary since 1910. My virtuous mother, although a Christian, was afraid of my father in this sense, and let herself be influenced, to some extent, by his theories. She took us to Mass only on Sundays; at home she taught us to pray, and, hidden from my father, each year we fulfilled the precepts of the sacraments of confession and communion. My first communion, therefore, was similarly concealed from my father, a sober day in its exterior. But interiorly God our Lord permitted me to hear his first call, inspiring me to offer myself to Him, to unite myself to His Redemption, in the role of a victim. It was a simple inspiration, and I did it, for the conversion of my father; for it grieved me deeply to know he was estranged from God.
The night of that magnificent day I had a symbolic dream: I saw a great book in the sky, a book that I understood was sacred, and a white and delicate hand wrote, in my presence, these words: "The Prophecies of Sister Matiana." But, before seeing this book, I saw that I was in the parish church of my town, which was filled with people, and a priest preached from the pulpit. I was in front of a statue of the Immaculate Conception. All of a sudden, the statue of the Blessed Virgin bowed toward me, extending its arms to me; then I arose with longing to seize her arms; but at that moment I felt that all the people were rushing at me, and then the Blessed Virgin withdrew her hands and said to me: "Leave the church, and go to your home to pray, and when the Church is destroyed, My Son will come and carry you away on His shoulders."
I left the church, crossing the main square, and arrived at my house; I entered, knelt down in the garden at the foot of a tree called the paradise tree. Dawn was breaking; in the sky the stars still shone, but now dawn was breaking in the little clouds. It was while in this attitude of prayer that I witnessed the book mentioned earlier, with the words: "The Prophecies of Sister Matiana," and while contemplating these words, I felt that a hand touched me on the right shoulder; I turned to see who it was, and it was Christ—majestic! In a nimbus of light! At that moment, I awakened, my soul remaining with a holy restlessness, but an immense joy.
I understood that it had not been a simple dream. Reservedly, I asked my father later what were "the prophecies of Sister Matiana," and he said to me only: "A book that speaks of future events." With such a superficial answer, I did not know how to explain anything of that dream to myself. I could never forget it, and I thought that when the years of the questioning of youth that were perturbing me had passed, perhaps God would put something good in my path.
But the environment in my surroundings was, in a certain manner, worldly. My parents were jealous of their daughters, they were excessively tender, but nevertheless, with the luxury, the outings and amusements, I felt incited to the vain things of the world. On the other hand, I was ignorant of religion, almost to the point of being illiterate. My parents, in general, were refractory to the idea that their daughters should have any higher education. After the primary years, they permitted me only to take a course in business. I longed to study science and many things, religion, literature and the rest; but they did not permit me to do so. In such a way that in my religion, I was extremely ignorant.
That time was an era of religious persecution in our country; services in the churches had ceased, for which reason I was ignorant even of the existence of religious communities, until the year 1927, when I studied business with some Carmelite nuns that were giving classes in secret. But, before knowing of this type of life, solely by the inspiration of God, I thought of leaving the world; I consulted a priest, desiring to go to do penance in some desert, and that was when he informed me of the religious state, and almost simultaneously I knew of the Carmelites, this news filling me with joy.
I was inclined by nature, it seems, to piety, and I enjoyed being in prayer better than in other occupations, and since childhood, I realized that while kneeling and meditating, I was not aware that entire nights passed as I knelt, my arms in the form of a cross. When I realized it, I felt in my soul a most unspeakable sweetness, that was causing me to dedicate myself more and more to prayer. Thus the good God made Himself my Teacher; He was leading me and teaching me in the secret of my soul, many things of which I was ignorant. When I consulted that priest about this for the first time, he assured me that I was being made the object of special graces, and I had an obligation to respond to them and to be grateful to His Divine Majesty. He was a wise and virtuous priest, who knew how to guide me to my vocation. He was named Salvador Morán, of the diocese of Guadalajara, for I did not say that I am from Ocotlán, Jalisco, a town near the capital of the state, Guadalajara, and at that time, I was living there at the side of my parents.
The cessation of religious services in my country inflamed me even more, and that was when I decided to give myself up completely to God. But in my home, everyone chided me for such an inclination, and I had a great deal to suffer immediately for having decided to be God’s. But He, in the measure in which I was persecuted by my own, lavished Himself on my soul, as I will relate throughout this narrative.
Chapter II
First Revelations
God Our Lord does not permit Himself to be surpassed in generosity, for scarcely had I promised to be all His, to seek only His greater glory and to consecrate my life to His service, and He was lavish with me in every sense.
At the end of 1927 the religious persecution in my country was intensified, and the priests had to take refuge in the great capitals, in such a way that I found myself deprived of the visits to my confessor, but he arranged for me to send my notes of conscience to Guadalajara (with a person specifically assigned to take his correspondence to him), and he answered in writing as well. Thus, the years until 1930 were long ones. All that time, secluded in my paternal home, without liberty to do anything, I was suffering the martyrdom of the most ardent zeal which God had infused in me, and on the other hand, the impossibility of doing anything, objectively. I could only pray, and even to do this, I had to await the silence of the night, for my mother chided me if I absented myself from the family during the day, and that is why I spent my nights in prayer.
What I learned by myself in this exercise of prayer, Holy Father, is indescribable. It seems as if God Our Lord deigned to make himself my Teacher and my Consoler. And I longed to know my religion to the depths, and I had no books, no teachers; but in prayer, I got to know everything. I had only Father Ripalda’s catechism, little, without, explanations; but it was in prayer that it was explained to me, in a strange way, extraordinary; it was a most sweet voice that resounded in the depth of my soul, and was explaining everything, even the most obscure dogmas. And I understood at the same time that He was enkindling me in zeal and love, and securing me in my faith. My Father Director was awed, since he knew well my ignorance and the lack of religion in my family, and he was confirming to me in his replies, although brief, that it was the Holy Ghost who was instructing me thus, that I was obliged to be grateful and to respond. But a day came when they were no longer intellectual voices, but rather, voices that I began to hear in my ears, and things that I began to see with my own eyes.
It happened that the desire in me to go to some holy retreat was increasing, to go where I could devote myself to prayer and to able to follow the divine motions, that is: to live completely for Him; for, in my house, each day the obstacles increased; they chided my inclination, and were trying to dissipate me in the things of the world. In such a way that I was informed by my Father Director of some religious communities, although he himself told me that, since my family was going to be opposed when the hour would come for asking them their permission to enter as a nun (and for this we were waiting until the services in the country would resume), it was fitting for me to adapt myself to the circumstances that God Himself would permit in my surroundings, that is, to be a religious in the world. Despite protesting to Jesus my unconditional will to do that of His own holy will, I was longing to hide in some cloister of the Capuchin nuns. I was attracted to the austerity, the Franciscan poverty, the isolation from the world in order to live in prayer and recollection; the spirit of humility characteristic of that Order, whose founder I was able to know by means of a biography that, at that time, was published in a daily paper in Mexico. Therefore, in the dilemma of choosing opportunely the Order to which I should aspire to enter, I begged God a great deal in prayer to enlighten me, or that He might make known His express will.
On the other hand, at that time, there arose in me a certain doubt, that the Divine Will, in the matter of religion, could be divided among Protestants and other sects that, I knew, were virtuous, perhaps much more so than some Catholics. This doubt was a type of temptation, or a test that God permitted for my soul, for it made me suffer, and as I was ignorant of the history of the Church, nor did I have books that might explain it to me, nor much less apologetics, although I was making acts of faith, each time more intense, protesting to God my adherence to the Catholic faith. Nevertheless, as my father who was a man of culture, did not profess any religion and was apt to argue strongly against the Catholic religion, it happened that in those days, God Our Lord granted me a very beautiful vision concerning the only true Church founded by Him.
And it was thus: He let me see a most beautiful Church that later I recognized as St. Peter’s Basilica, of which at that time I was ignorant. I saw the Church inside and out simultaneously. Within, filled with lights, canticles and festivities, and by its high walls, there were a multitude of little ladders, by which the faithful were ascending easily toward the apex, where I could see something as if it were: GLORY! That is: His Divine Majesty was showing me in that vision what I now understand: the Church Militant united with the Triumphant, but it was not only this. On the outside it was enveloped in the blackest darkness, on the surface itself of the walls of that Church was seen the abyss; and in the bottom of this abyss, flames and people, that is: it was Hell, no more, no less. By the walls of the Church many people were battling to ascend, too, in order to peep through the high windows filled with light, but they could not reach them, because outside there were no ladders, the walls were flat and slippery, and thus, all were falling into the abyss that surrounded that Church. Then it was said to me: "Write, daughter, that only one is My Church: the Apostolic, Roman Catholic, and only one My representative and chief: the Pope, My beloved vicar!"
Holy Father, from that moment my soul never again had doubts about the true Church of Christ, rather it was inflamed in love and zeal to make it known and loved by all souls, and I felt, forever, a filial, intense love for the Vicar of Christ, and in him I see my Jesus, living! That is why now that He grants me the privilege of going to Your Holiness' feet, I am filled with joy!
But I am going to continue my narrative. It was during those same days, simultaneously, that Our Lord revealed many beautiful things to me. I already said how I was perplexed about choosing the religious Order that I should enter when the opportune moment came, and so it was that my beloved Jesus said to me one day: "There will be a new house in which you will enter."
Soon I had an opportunity and I wrote telling my Father Director. He answered me, saying to me that, at that time, a spiritual daughter of his was carrying out the proceedings for a religious work, awaiting only the renewal of services to establish it. That I should ask Our Lord if He referred to that Work. But my Jesus took a new occasion to grant me most exalted revelations. He said to me: "No," that He was referring to "a new Order, the most beloved of His heart."
And, as I asked Him which it would be, he answered that it would be called: "the Order of the Franciscan Minims of the Perpetual Help of Mary," that "it would be for men and for women." That, "They would not be two different orders, but a single order." That: "The first foundation would be in Rome, the second in Mexico." Textually, those were Jesus' words, but I must declare that I understood that, on His saying "first" and "second" he was referring to the men and women respectively. That is: that the foundation of the Minim nuns would be in Mexico, and that of the Minim brothers in Rome.
Then, to my great astonishment He continued speaking to me for several days, now not only when I was at prayer, but even while occupied in other things. He continued speaking to me about that very beloved Work of His, and He said to me, textually, that its principal purpose would be: "Atonement to Divine Justice. That each member of this order would have to offer himself as I had offered myself, as He had inspired me, on the day of my first communion; as a victim in union with Him, but: in atonement for all the sins of all the world." Then He told me that "all the houses of this Order should be called Houses of Atonement. That they should have the same constitutions. That the children of this order should be very much devoted to the Pope and to the holy Church. That the men should be gratuitous and untiring missionaries at the disposition of the diocese where they are established. That the women should carry out a life more contemplative than active; but with a certain participation in the apostolate, that would help to raise the morals of women socially, above all, of youth. That they should keep the holy Franciscan Rule, but in its primitive purity, above all in holy poverty. That the Blessed Virgin in Her invocation of Perpetual Help should be the Patroness. And the members of this order should wear Her garments as a holy habit, being for the women of the same color and style in dress as in this image of hers. And the men, in darker colors and in the style of the habit of the Friars Minor. That they should consider the Blessed Virgin herself as Mother General of the order and the Pope, His beloved Vicar, as Father General." (Textual words of Jesus) "That they should not have fasts nor abstinences other than those ordered by the holy Church." These, Most Holy Father, were the first revelations of our Lord with respect to this; later, He was lavish in explaining to me, so that I myself could write the Constitutions of His Work. But on that same first occasion, He also told me that: "This order had been asked with urgency of other souls by the Blessed Virgin; but it had not been realized, because they withdrew from the rules and from their mandates."
Then He added very graphic expressions, like these: "Daughter, the foundation of this order of victims is the greatest desire of My Heart. My order will extend the reign of My Vicar on earth. The Pope is the representative of Christ the King. All the foundations of this order will have the Pope for Father General, and they will be at his disposition as faithful soldiers in his kingdom." And He told me textually: "Try to lead everyone to the veneration of the Pope, gathering all souls in the Church."
During those same days, one night it seemed to me I was dreaming this: I was inside an enormous house that seemed to be a convent; but it was demolished, with the cloisters in pieces, the columns fallen. And, feeling a great sadness at that demolished house, my soul ascended to Heaven, begging an explanation, and, at that moment a mysterious woman appeared among the columns of the cloisters, and came toward me in the center of the patio. It seemed to me she was a nun, by her monastic garb. Without saying a word, she sat on a piece of column next to me, and took from beneath her mantle, a red book with golden edges. I knelt in front of that mysterious woman, who opened the book and showed me, with her index finger, some lines of great strokes that said: "The Prophecies of Sister Matiana." This made a great impression on me, but that woman in mourning, without saying a word, got up hastily to return to the place from which she had come amid the semi-darkness; but in the midst of my anguish, I cried to her, saying: "And I, what must I do?" Then that woman, impassible and tranquil, turned toward me, pointed to the destroyed cloisters and said to me: "Repair the house!" And immediately I awoke, afflicted, confused. I began to pray, and Jesus told me that all that was a warning on His behalf for my soul. I began to petition in prayer to my God, to let me know what He wanted me to do to serve Him. And He let me understand that this dream was related to the first one, the one on the day of my fist communion. I remembered that first dream, and I longed to know what it would be and what that book, The Prophecies of Sister Matiana, might contain. And I believe, Holy Father, that the woman in mourning whom I saw in my second dream, may have been the Prophetess of that book. But at that time, I remained in the most absolute perplexity with respect to this. Moreover, my confessor was telling me to abandon all uneasiness, and to let myself be led by the hand of God, in peace. And so I did, and the years passed, and events made manifest later all those seemingly mysterious things!
Chapter III
In the Solitude of the Cloister
It would be too long to relate here all that followed after those first divine revelations. And much more, what I had to suffer and to wait, to attain my desire of entering the cloister. I can only say, Holy Father, that all that was providential, as Sacred Scripture tells us of the passage through the Red Sea. I was transported, almost by the hands of angels, from the world to the silence of a cloister of Capuchin Adorers of the Blessed Sacrament, at the beginning of the year 1930. The religious services had recently resumed in my country. As my father was a man of the government and an enemy of the Church, and I being a minor in age, it seemed my entrance would be impossible, unless, to achieve it, unexpectedly, God moved wills, of secular people as well as of religious and ecclesiastics, and I was received in the postulancy of the Capuchin Adorers of the Blessed Sacrament of Tlalpan, in the Federal District, at the very time that they had scarcely been reinstalled in their convent, after having been sent away from their cloister by the persecutors. For that community was precisely that of the Rev. Mother Concepción Aceveda de la Llata, who, exactly when her community was receiving me, was serving her sentence (certainly as a victim) in the Penal Colony of Islas Marías. I was accepted with affection and with a dispensation of my dowry and of the permission of my parents, in view of the fact that His Excellency, the Auxiliary Bishop of the metropolitan see, who was at that time Monsignor D. Maximino Ruiz Flores, gave me his permission. I was able to confide my soul entirely to him, and he assured the community and myself, that my vocation was completely from God. And we faced the risks that the community's accepting me carried with it. And I left my home furtively on February 2, 1930, for a hiding place in an honorable home, remaining hidden 13 days in a closet. Only at night, when the hour was well advanced, did the lady of the house take me to a room to sleep, because no one besides her, neither her father nor her brothers and sisters, nor the servants, were to know of my stay in that house. This house was located in the same town (Ocotlán, Jalisco), previously arranged by His Excellency the bishop himself, and thus God our Lord manifested Himself in favor of the same desires that He was enkindling in my soul. And I was happy, thinking of never again leaving that holy place, of consecrating my life to prayer and penance there, and in regard to the Work of God, that of Atonement, I thought it would suffice to tell everything to my superiors, and so I did.
At that time the Abbess of the community was a religious from another house, the Rev. Mother Mercedes Vásquez Castillón, a holy nun who received me maternally.
The Father Director of the community was Felix de Jesus Rougier, the Founder of the Missionaries of the Holy Ghost, and the chaplain was the Rev. Father Angel Oñate, of the same congregation. But Father Felix did not want me to relate those revelations that I had confided to him, but rather to another religious whom he disposed: the Rev. Father José Quijada, who at that time was scarcely a novice in the congregation; but the Rev. Fr. Felix had great confidence in him, because—he said—he possessed the gift of discerning spirits. This Rev. Fr. Quijada entered the congregation after having been a priest for many years past. This was, then, the priest chosen by God, to receive from me the most exalted things that God at that time continued revealing to me, something indescribable! Holy Father! Something that I have noted on separate sheets and that I will show to your Holiness.
It seemed that my beloved Jesus had transplanted me to that place for no other reason but to finish and perfect in my mind and in my soul, what He wanted to form, so that it might serve Him in carrying out His Work of Atonement.
That is why, when one day I was complaining that so many revelations and visions and extraordinary things that were happening to me were going to impede my vocation as a Capuchin, He answered me: "Now in the solitude of your heart, I will show you the depths of mine."
He said this, because Our Lord began to complain to me of the infinite number of sins of the world; of the clergy, of the religious communities and seminaries, telling me to take note how, in His new order, He wanted perfection.
I was at that time, much tested by God and by my superiors, and persecuted by the devil, and an infinite number of extraordinary things happened to me, that I must not relate here, because it would be burdensome for Your Holiness to read it now. Fortunately of all those religious and ecclesiastical superiors that I mentioned, Father Quijada is still living, and he was witness to all these things that happened to me.
There Jesus and the Blessed Virgin completed perfecting in me the knowledge of the Work of Atonement, and I was submitted to spiritual examinations, and God deigned to give signs that the things of His confided to my miserable person were certain. In June, 1931, with the permission of my superiors, I was presented to the very Reverend Archbishop at that time: Monsignor Pascual Diaz Barreto, in whom I found, not only the understanding and consolation that I longed for and needed, but in whom I found an identity of ideals, as I will mention hereafter.
But first, I must relate (in a separate chapter) some of the most outstanding things of that epoch, when I was a postulant and novice in that community of Capuchins, above all, the test that my superiors put me to, and to which God Our Lord responded in an irrefutable manner, disposing that I would leave my sweet religious retreat and engage in laboring for His Work!
Chapter IV
The Hand of God
I call what I am going to relate to you, Most Holy Father, the "Hand of God." The Hand of God!… because I was so happy in my cloister, and that environment was such for me that, short of a miracle, nothing could have made me abandon it. Besides, the Superiors who were observing the extraordinary things that were happening to me were so suspicious, that everything might have been a clever game of the enemy to upset my vocation and my regular life, that they submitted me, certainly with prudence, to hard tests.
I myself came to the point of asking Our Lord how it was that He wanted me there as a Capuchin, and then submitted me to an order of things that was disturbing my life. And on one occasion He answered me in this manner: "I have brought you to this house not to rest, but to work." And He emphasized to me then that the Franciscan observance there was very pleasing to Him, that He wanted it thus, to give me practical lessons in the observance and type of life that He wanted for His Work of Atonement. And He ordered me to make notes of everything of the Holy Rule and customs of that house.
Similarly, He told me expressly, of some details that did not please Him. But, as I was relating everything to my Superior, who, after the Rev. Mother Mercedes Vásquez Castillón, was the Rev. Mother of the Holy Ghost, and to my Father Director, and also to the Rev. Father Director General who was, as I already stated, the founder of the Missionaries of the Holy Ghost, Felix de Jesus Rougier, I remained tranquil, when they ordered me to do the contrary. To the extent that, on one occasion they ordered me not to listen to words nor to admit to seeing any visions, in short: to repel all that, for it would make me leave my tranquil life as a Capuchin novice. I obeyed, and Jesus Himself taught me to obey, for He left me in peace. But one day, in prayer, a strong impulse to cry came to me, and then He manifested Himself to me in an intellectual vision, as in a dungeon with His hands tied, and He said to me: "Obey, daughter. See how I Myself let them tie My hands, through obedience."
With this, I complied perfectly. But, physically, He Himself was disposing in me a very rare illness. I had no appetite, I could not digest, I could not sleep; and in my system a complex of illnesses was forming, and over a span of two months worsening, with the most refined medical attention being unable to cure me. This happened from March of 1931, when the prohibition of my superiors to receive the divine words came, and in May I was prostrate in bed, and I was put in the infirmary, for I was seriously ill.
The Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus was approaching, and our Rev. Mother Abbess, on visiting me was consoling me, telling me that it was preferable to die a victim of obedience, but within the house of God, rather than to expose myself to the loss of my vocation, perhaps through diabolic cleverness!
Interiorly, although I was of one will with that of my superiors, I confess that I could not relieve an intimate affliction that was consuming me, that of having to oppose God, to be a dike to His graces. But I was happy at the same time to die thus. One afternoon, the Father Director (José Quijada) was at my bed to give me Extreme Unction. Then he asked me if I did not have some request, and I could do nothing but say to him: "I entrust to you the work of God!" Then he answered me, very solemnly, "No! I do not want you to die, my daughter, but to live, so you may carry out the will of God!"
I was gravely ill, but I did not at once understand his words. I found them sententious; I foresaw in them an implicit permission to again occupy my soul in opening it to the revelations of God, but desiring to work in everything under strict obedience, through the nun who was nurse, I called our Reverend Mother, but she did not come. And I came to be obsessed in such a way, hearing the echo of the words of my Father Director, that again I was suffering a new type of incitement that strongly impelled me to occupy myself with the work of God.
I wanted the presence of our Reverend Mother to consult with her on it, but for several days she did not happen to come! (Later she confessed to me that she did it intentionally, to let me react by myself.)
Finally one night she came to see me. My health was better, but I had not taken any nourishment for several days, and I was extremely weak; I could not even sit up in bed. I wanted to consult her, but she said no, that she was only going to give me permission to get up on the following day, if I could do it physically. She left. I remained awake all night, in prayer, and Jesus was repeating to me: that I should cease my rest, that I should labor for His Work, that He had taken me there, only temporarily, that the mission of my life must be—to seek victim souls for Him, to give Him a Legion of victims of atonement to His Divine Justice, a universal Atonement!
And He made me feel how, to remain there longer would be a loss of time, but a gain in His greater glory.
Desiring to ask advice about all that, I awoke another day. It was Sunday, June 9, 1931. When I tried to get up from my sick bed, where I had spent several weeks, I realized that nothing ailed me, and I felt as strong as if I had never been sick. I marveled, but it was not strange that Jesus should lead me by that path, and I went to the chapel on my own two feet, desirous of talking with my Superior later on.
But, as I was at Holy Mass, Jesus ordered me to leave! At that moment, the priest was explaining the Holy Gospel, and it said: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His Justice, and all the rest will be given you."
That engraved itself in the depths of my soul, and it was like a light that I wanted to follow.
I do not know how it was! I remember that I asked Jesus one thing: "Lord, what then is my true vocation?" And He answered me: "Your true vocation is suffering!"
I believe, Holy Father, that during all that time that passed, from the night before, I was in ecstasy. I do not know how to explain how I walked to the porter’s lodge, finding the door wide open, while it was yet dawn. I scarcely left the house, it was raining, and when I set foot outside the Cloister, I came to myself, and I wanted to enter again, but the door was closed, as was the custom, and more so at that hour when the nun-portress was in the chapel with all the community.
Terrified, I began to run to the house of the Reverend Fathers of the Holy Ghost, and I asked to speak to my Father Director, but he was not there; he had gone to officiate outside the city. I approached a porch in the town plaza, and there were several beggars sleeping near some buses that said: Mexico.
Then I began to reflect: Who had brought me out of my cloister? To what was I going except to Him? What was the only thing I was looking for? Certainly I was seeking nothing but one single thing: "The Kingdom of God and His Justice."
Then, since, after the great trial of three months of prohibition of my superiors, now they were setting me free, and I did not have even the quality of a nun, rather I was a simple postulant, I was a secular; I would have to go to Mexico, indeed, and speak to His Excellency, the Archbishop, about the Work; then this hierarchical Superior would order me to do what was conducive to continue. And so I did, Most Holy Father.
While still at the porch, I asked one of the beggars how much the fare was to go to Mexico, and he looked at me compassionately, saying to me: "Doesn’t the little girl have money for her fare?" And taking out a coin, he said to me: "Take it!" I quickly got on the bus, and turned to the window to look out to thank the beggar, and now he was not there. Who gave me the alms? The hand of God was leading me!
I went then to the home of a family that I knew before, and from there I went the following day to see my Father Director, and my Superior, and I asked their pardon, and I told them, that I did not want to do anything but what they ordered me to do.
There were clarifications with the nun-portress, in that, if she had the door closed the morning before, as was customary, who then had opened it for me? Who had let me out of the cloister? And, unanimously, they decided it had been the hand of God!
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Chapter V
(Next)
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