Does Anyone Know

What Day it is?!!

James M. Stange

April 14, 1998

Dayana Stetco

Creative Writing

A Screenplay

The Friends Chronicles: Part 2

Does Anyone Know What Day it is?!!

INT. BATHROOM. MORNING.

INT. LIVING ROOM. MORNING.

ANDY

What’s wrong?

CHRISTINA

I’m pregnant!

KRIS

What the hell!

ANDY

Kris, shut up! Christina, come here.

CHRISTINA

This was not supposed to happen. I’m so sorry.

ANDY

Don’t worry. Don’t worry. It’s ok. Everything’s fine. We can get through this.

KRIS

Everything’s not fine! What the hell is going on here? Whose baby could this be? How the hell could you do this to Andy, or is this Andy’s baby?

ANDY

Kris, you’d better shut up.

CHRISTINA

Andy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen. It must be Chris’s. You know, Chris from work? It could only be his baby. I’m so sorry.

KRIS

How in the hell could you do this to Andy! Andy, I can’t believe you slept with that crazy fucker. Your girlfriend is such a slut.

ANDY

Kris, get the hell out of my house! NOW!

CHRISTINA

Andy, I am so sorry, but there’s something I need to tell you now.

ANDY

Yes, I guess now would be a good time to talk.

CHRISTINA

First of all, I’m really am sorry. I’m really sorry. I had this idea for a little joke while I was puking out last night’s dinner. Then I figured that I could turn it into a little test. I didn’t know Kris was going to be standing there. Why was even over here? Anyway, I guess I took it all just a little too far.

ANDY

A test?

CHRISTINA

Please don’t be mad.

ANDY

A test? A test to see if I’ll stick around? Christina, you know I will. I care so much about you. Well, I guess you don’t know or you wouldn’t have felt the urge to test me. We can still get through this together. You know a lot about kids from taking care of your sister’s kid for so long, and I’d be able to help out. I could work more hours. It doesn’t matter that the baby isn’t mine, we can still do this.

CHRISTINA

Andy, I guess I didn’t give you enough credit. You care even more than I could have imagined, which makes me feel that much worse. Don’t you know what day it is?

ANDY

What day it is?

CHRISTINA

It’s April Fool’s Day! That’s why I didn’t even really think you would take me that seriously in the first place. But when you did, I guess I just got carried away. If it’s any consolation, you passed with flying colors.

ANDY

I should be furious, but I am so relieved now I can actually laugh at your little test. I’m just glad I passed. But could you do me a little favor? The next time you intend to something like this again, do you think we could keep Kris out of it?

CHRISTINA

How was I supposed to know you invited him over here?

ANDY

Hey, I didn’t invite him. He just appeared at my door like he always does.

CHRISTINA

Oh damn! Kris is probably out there telling everyone! He never got that it was a joke.

ANDY

Right, like anyone’s going to believe Kris with something like that? On April Fool’s day? I doubt it. So, what do you want to name the baby?

CHRISTINA

You’re too much Andy. You’re just adorable.

ANDY

Think you can handle me?

CHRISTINA

Oh, I’d better be able to, what with the baby on the way and all.

ANDY

Yeah, and six more on the way if Kris keeps talking.

EXT. ANDY’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

CHRISTINA

I never got a hold of him.

ANDY

Damn, neither did I. This could be bad.

CHRISTINA

You have no idea. Jenny said that Kris told her and everyone at that stupid coffee house she seems to be living in these days all about how I was ruining your life. She was like totally shocked to hear what he was saying, but I convinced her it was just a joke. Doesn’t anyone know what day that was? Anyway, she said he talked about how I have you wrapped around my finger and that I somehow managed to convince you, against your will, to take care of me and my bastard child, as Kris so fondly puts it.

ANDY

But that’s just Kris talking. Anyone who believes him without talking to us first is nuts. Anyway, you know that you can tell me anything and I would still be there for you. Even if you were pregnant and…

CHRISTINA

Andy, you’re too sweet. I lo-like you so much.

ANDY

Uh oh, better be careful there baby. You almost said love.

EXT. CHRISTINA’S HOUSE. DAY.

INT. CHRISTINA’S BEDROOM. DAY.

CHRISTINA

Hello?

JENNY

Hi, Christina. It’s Jenny.

CHRISTINA

Hey, what’s going on?

JENNY

I was just wondering if you ever got a hold of Kris.

CHRISTINA

No, but you did tell him it was just a joke, right?

JENNY

Of course, but he wouldn’t believe me. He thought I was just saying that to calm him down. I mean, considering how upset he is over all of this, you’d think it was his baby you were having.

CHRISTINA

Jenny, don’t even joke about that. I don’t want to start throwing up again.

JENNY

You know, all of those people at the coffee house are wondering if you need any help with the baby. That sure is nice of them, don’t you think?

CHRISTINA

Sure. Thanks to Kris, the whole world is going to be watching me for the next nine months.

JENNY

So, do you want to start planning for that baby shower now, or do you want to wait till later?

CHRISTINA

What a funny girl you are. Anyway, I’ll see you at school. Bye.

JENNY

Bye.

EXT. ANDY’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Andy is sleeping in his bed when the phone rings. He reluctantly answers it.

ANDY

What?

JENNY

Hi Andy, it’s Jenny.

ANDY

Dammit Jenny! It’s 2 AM. What are you calling me about that’s so important?

JENNY

I need to ask you about what Kris said.

ANDY

Sure, and what lie might you be referring to?

JENNY

Kris said that you broke up with Christina ‘cause she’s pregnant, she’s a slut, and she’s just trying to manipulate you. But Christina said that…

ANDY

Jenny, just stop right there. We’re through.

EXT. KRIS’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

INT. KRIS’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

JENNY

Kris, Kris, I just got off the phone with Andy. He said Christina him were through.

KRIS

What? How do you know?

JENNY

I was just talking to him, asking him about what you said when he told you about the joke, and he said they were through.

KRIS

A joke? You mean Christina was never really pregnant?

JENNY

You stupid fucking moron! It was an April Fool’s Day joke! We tried to tell you…

KRIS

So you’re telling me that Andy finally broke up with the slut because of that joke she played on him?

JENNY

I guess so. I don’t thi…

KRIS

Thank you, thank you. Thanks for calling. Bye.

(voice-over)

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! He finally did it. He finally came to his senses. He finally broke up with that little slut. I finally got my best friend back. We can finally go to movies together again, go out driving, go out to dinner, go to the coffee house, go do everything. And it was actually Christina who did it. One of her stupid little jokes that got out of control. It blew up in her face and he dumped her. She’s going to be all depressed now. She’s going to need a shoulder to cry on. She’s going to be on the rebound. She’s going to need someone like me. No, not someone like me, just me. I’m so happy. I have my friend back. I’ll have my girlfriend. My luck finally came through for me. I knew lady luck wouldn’t abandon me for long. Yes!

INT. CHRISTINA’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

CHRISTINA

What!

JENNY

Christina, it’s Je…

CHRISTINA

It’s 2 fucking 30 in the morning is what it is! I gotta be up at 6 for work, so what do you want!

JENNY

I’m sorry, but I was worried about you. I just got off the phone with Andy and he told me that you guys are through. I just…

CHRISTINA

Jenny, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t care. April Fool’s Day was three days ago, and if Kris put you up to this, I’ll kick both your asses. Andy and I are just fine. Now, good night!

INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

ANDY

Yes?

JENNY

Andy, I…

ANDY

Oh, come on now. Can’t any of this wait until morning? I have school and…

JENNY

I just got off the phone with Christina and she seems to think you guys didn’t break up. Didn’t you tell her yet?

ANDY

What the hell are you talking about?

JENNY

What? I just called you and you said that you and Christina were through.

ANDY

You stupid son-of-a-whore! I said that we were through. You and me. I meant I didn’t want to talk on the phone with you anymore. I just wanted to get back to sleep. You didn’t go and call Christina and tell her that I broke up with her or something, did you?

JENNY

Well, I…

ANDY

Dammit! Thanks a bunch. Would you mind hanging up the phone now? I guess I have to call my girlfriend now, you know, the one I’m still going out with?

JENNY

Andy, I’m sorry.

INT. CHRISTINA’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

CHRISTINA

Hello?

ANDY

Christina, did Jenny just call you and tell you some bullshit about how I said that I broke up with you?

CHRISTINA

Yes, I didn’t believe her, but I was wondering why you would tell her that…

INT. CHRISTINA’S BEDROOM. DAY.

CHRISTINA

…and I asked him why he told her that. He said that when Jenny called he was pissed off that she woke him up and, before she could get anything out, he told her that we were through. He was talking about him and her being through with the phone call, but she must have thought he meant that Andy and I were through. I guess she must have called Kris after talking to him, because Kris came over to my house the next morning and was acting all nice to me and everything. He was so nice he scared me. I let him in and started telling him that the whole pregnancy thing was just a stupid April Fool’s Day joke, but he assured me he understood everything. He was even polite to my mother, even though he knows she hates him.

PHONE VOICE

Oh yeah, Kris can be a regular Eddie Haskel when it suits him. Anyway, then what happened?

CHRISTINA

Well, Andy and I straightened everything out. After Jenny told Kris that Andy and I broke up, he must have thought that he had a chance with me. Did I ever tell you that Kris wanted to go out with me?

PHONE VOICE

Well, I guess I kinda figured.

CHRISTINA

So that fat ass actually thought that, since I was single again, he could catch me on the rebound? That’s why he was being so nice to me. Did you know that he even liked Jenny when you guys were going out?

PHONE VOICE

Well, I guess that was the reason he did his damnedest to break us up. He only wants what he knows he can’t have.

CHRISTINA

All I can say is he sure as hell’s never going to break up me and Andy. We…

PHONE VOICE

Andy and I.

CHRISTINA

Yeah, whatever.

PHONE VOICE

So you’re saying that he actually thought he had a chance with you?

CHRISTINA

Yeah, he never ceases to amaze me.

PHONE VOICE

Don’t you find it the least bit ironic that, when I first met you, Kris and I were best friends in competition for your attention, and now we’re the best friends and I may never speak to him again?

CHRISTINA

Yeah, I guess that’s pretty ironic, but not as ironic as what April Fool’s Day has done to me.

PHONE VOICE

You’re not talking about that e-mail I sent you last year. You still remember that?

CHRISTINA

You bet I do! I remember it like it was a bad flashback…

INT. COMPUTER ROOM AT SCHOOL. DAY.

CHRISTINA

(voice-over)

All right! An e-mail from one of my best friends. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I wonder what’s going on in his life.

Dear Christina,

As you know, I have really liked you for some time now. At first, I wanted to ask you out, but you made it painfully clear that you were only looking for friendship, and I was all right with that. Then you became Matt’s girlfriend, and I was kinda jealous, but hell, you were just my friend, so what did I have to be jealous about? After a month you gave me indications that you didn’t think Matt was right for you, but I just listened. Eventually you broke up with him, and I just continued to be your friend. I eventually started hearing things from all my friends who knew you. They were asking me when I was going to ask you out, but I assured them that I only saw you as a friend. The clincher was when my best friend, Dave, to whom you were introduced only days before, told me about all the hints he thought you were throwing in my direction. He was convinced that you wanted me to ask you out, so I finally did. But you put me off. You didn’t say no, you just kind of avoided the question. So I asked you again, and again, and again, until I finally got the hint. Well, I can’t do it anymore. Sometime during that time I was spending every day with you, helping you with all of your homework, and the night you typed on my computer until the wee hours of the morning while I was in bed, all of that just did something to me. It made me fall for you, and fall hard. Christina, I love you and, if you can’t love me back, then it hurts me too to spend any time at all with you. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have no other choice. Good-bye.

INT. CHRISTINA’S BEDROOM. DAY.

PHONE VOICE

Christina, that was a whole year ago. I can’t believe you remember that so vividly. I’m really sorry about that. When you found me in one of my classes and hugged me and almost started crying, I knew you hadn’t scrolled down to the end of that message.

CHRISTINA

I got the damn thing like a week after April Fool’s Day. How was I supposed to know?

PHONE VOICE

Well, it’s not my fault it took you so long to check your e-mail.

CHRISTINA

Oh, and I’m pissed at you for something else, too. Jenny called and yelled at me for telling you that she wanted to get back with you. Then she told Kris, and he got all upset, which of course caused problems for everyone. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?

PHONE VOICE

Well, I don’t know. Maybe I might have just sorta kinda sent Jenny a little e-mail explaining that I wanted to get back with her, and I might have mentioned your name. I guess she didn’t scroll down to the bottom of her e-mail message either. Didn’t she know what day it was?

CHRISTINA

No, apparently not.

PHONE VOICE

Hey, I’m sorry if I got you in any trouble this April Fool’s Day, but that was the only way I could figure out how to get you this year.

CHRISTINA

Well, you got me again. Do you think either one of us is ever going to learn?

Hey, the way I see it, it’s not our fault if no one knows what day it is.