Four Friends

James M. Stange

April 14, 1998

Dayana Stetco

Creative Writing

A Revised Play

The Friends Chronicles: Part I

Four Friends

CHARACTERS:

KRIS

ANDY

CHRISTINA

JENNY

POOL PLAYER (one line)

COP (some add lib)

ANDY: So, where you guys wanna go?

CHRISTINA: I don’t care.

KRIS: We’re not going to Christina’s house again, her mom hates me.

JENNY: Well, we could go to the coffee house?

ANDY: I’m not picking again. I had to pick last time.

KRIS: Why don’t we go to the coffee house?

CHRISTINA: I don’t care.

KRIS: Well, Jenny, what do you want to do?

JENNY: I don’t care.

ANDY: Ok, we’ve been driving around for a half hour, are we going to the damn coffee house or what?

CHRISTINA: Sure.

JENNY: I don’t care.

KRIS: Fine!

ANDY [The Meredith Brooks song "I’m a Bitch" begins to play on the radio and Andy starts singing along to the chorus.]: I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed, [Christina and Jenny attempt to drown him out with their own singing] I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, [Andy stops singing] You know you wouldn't want it any other way…

ANDY: Hey, can any of you girls relate to this?

[Jenny and Christina start laughing.]

KRIS [very serious]: Jenny is not a bitch!

JENNY: Giggles

KRIS: Now, Christina on the other hand…

[Christina turns around and slaps Kris in the head which causes Andy to swerve the car.]

KRIS: Ah! Hey, what’d you do that for? You’re going to get us all killed.

ANDY: What, you don’t trust my driving?

CHRISTINA and JENNY [together, laughing]: Well, I do.

ANDY: At least someone has faith in me.

KRIS: Well, I sure as hell don’t.

ANDY: What, you think you could do better?

KRIS: Of course, I have a perfect driving record.

CHRISTINA: That may be, but didn’t you get into like two accidents in the last yeahr?

KRIS: Those weren’t my fault.

CHRISTINA and ANDY [condescendingly]: Sure.

[Andy turns his car down a side street, gets out, and lets Kris drive.]

ANDY: Uh, Kris, don’t you think you’re going a little fast?

KRIS: No.

CHRISTINA: Kris, I think you should slow down a little bit.

KRIS: Why should I?

CHRISTINA I think I saw I cop car turn onto this street at the light.

KRIS: Oh, yeah, right.

ANDY: No, Kris, she’s right, slow down.

CHRISTINA: All right! He put on his lights, you’d better be pulling over real soon.

KRIS: Shut up Christina, I see him. I don’t need your crap right now.

[Kris pulls the car over. The cop walks over to the car and starts talking to him. The lights are on Christina and Jenny while they laugh. The audience cannot hear what the cop and Kris are talking about because Christina and Jenny are giggling and laughing so hard. After a few minutes the cops leaves.]

KRIS [very mad]: Dammit! What the hell were you doing? You two are laughing at me while I’m talking to a cop. I could have gotten busted. What the hell’s your problem? What’s so damn funny?

ANDY: Kris, I absolutely can’t believe you didn’t get a ticket. I don’t know what that guy must have been smoking, but you are one lucky sonofabitch.

KRIS: Of course I am. I’ve always been lucky. I’m the luckiest person you know. I don’t need to work for anything with my kind of luck.

CHRISTINA: Uh, Kris, if you’re so damn lucky, why are you always complaining that your life sucks so much?

KRIS: Well, I may be lucky, but that doesn’t necessarily negate the fact that my life sucks, now does it?

CHRISTINA: No, but maybe if you used your luck toward becoming less of an asshole, you might be a happier person.

KRIS: Well, maybe if you didn’t flirt with so many guys all the time, you’d be less of a slut.

[Christina smacks Kris in the head.]

KRIS [looking at Andy]: Are you going to let her smack me around like that? [directed toward Christina] Oh, yeah, I can see where this is going already. Yeah, just like before. Now you’re taking Andy away from me just like Jenny once upon a time took my other best friend away from me. I try to be a good friend. All he ever did was complain about how unhappy he was. [in a mocking tone of voice] Oh no, poor me, I don’t have a girlfriend. Nobody loves me, I’m so sad. [getting increasingly angry] So, what do I do? Like any good best friend would do, I find him a girlfriend. I find him Jenny. They’re both my best friends, I know she wants a boyfriend, I know he wants a girlfriend, so I introduce them. And what thanks do I get? Yeah, at first he’s all like "thanks for reintroducing us" and "I’m so lucky to have a friend like you." But then it’s all like I call him up and ask him if he wants to do anything and he’s like "uh, no, I can’t really do anything tonight." So I call up Jenny and she’s all like "uh, no, I can’t do anything tonight." So now my friends are doing stuff together because of me, and I’m stuck home like a total loser. And now [looking at Christina] you’re doing it to Andy.

ANDY [sternly]: Kris.

KRIS: I guess I didn’t learn my lesson before, I guess I am doomed to just keep screwing myself over and over again because I’m such a good friend. Christina, you’re all like [mockingly] "I’m so sad, why can’t I find a nice guy to hang out with?" So I’m like, "Well, I’ve got this friend named Andy," and now look at where it’s gotten me. It’s the same damn thing all over again. I call you guys up and no one can do anything because you’re always doing stuff with each other and can’t be bothered with me. [getting more angry still] Well, how do you think that makes me feel!?

ANDY: [angry]: Kris!

KRIS: No! No, tell me, how do you think that makes me feel? I lost my best friend because he was treating Jenny like shit. All I did was listen to her complain about her relationship. He said he had too much homework or something to spend time with her, she felt neglected, so she would come to me. People thought we were going out because we were always together. But how could we? How could I have a girlfriend? No, I’m not good enough for a girlfriend, I’m just good enough to listen to other friend’s girlfriends complain about them to me. I’ll never have a fucking girlfriend! Oh well, I don’t even care anymore. [looks at Christina] Yeah, fine, you can have Andy, what do I need with friends, they all just ignore me in the end anyway.

ANDY [very angry]: Shut the hell up!!!

[After some period of silence, the four friends arrive at the coffee house.]

KRIS [pouting]: Why did we come here?

ANDY: Because three people said they wanted to come here.

JENNY: Andy, you’ve never heard me come.

[Everyone, except for Kris, starts laughing hysterically]

KRIS [very seriously]: Jenny, I can’t believe you said that!

[more laughter from the other three]

ANDY: Uh, guys, what are we doing?

CHRISTINA: Pool or something?

ANDY: Or something.

KRIS: We all know what you want to do, but Andy, Christina isn’t like that!

ANDY: How do you know I was referring to her?

KRIS: Well, Jenny isn’t like that either.

JENNY: Hey, you want to leave me out of this?

[Andy squeals out of the parking lot and almost hits two cars. They drive around almost randomly for an hour (this is shown by the characters constantly looking at their watches with expressions of exasperation) in complete silence until they almost by chance arrive at the pool hall.]

[The Prince song "When the Doves Cry" starts playing on the radio.]

CHRISTINA: Hey, turn that up, I love that song!

[Andy turns the radio up.]

KRIS: This song sucks.

ANDY: Well then, it’s a good thing no one asked your opinion.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, who the hell was asking you anyway?

KRIS: All his songs are about sex. Oh, now I see why you like him so much.

CHRISTINA: What are you trying to say ?

KRIS: Figure it out for yourself, slut.

[Christina hulls off and slaps Kris in the head hard enough to be heard above the radio.]

KRIS: Dammit! What’d you do that for? I was just kidding.

ANDY: Kris, do not talk to me again until you apologize to her.

CHRISTINA: Ha ha.

[Everyone gets out of the car and slams the doors.]

ANDY: Hey, not so hard on the doors!

CHRISTINA: Sorry.

KRIS: What?

CHRISTINA: Never mind, idiot.

[The lights fade out and come back on with the four characters walking to a pool table, Kris mumbling all the way. Kris randomly mutters things under his breath for the rest of the night.]

JENNY: I’ll go get the balls.

ANDY: I bet you will.

[Hysterical laughter envelops the group, excluding Kris. Two games of pool are played in almost total silence. Andy, Christina, and Jenny occasionally say things like "Nice shot" or "Oh, that was so close" and other simple phrases one would say around the game of pool. While the friends begin the third game, a popular song by Jewel comes from the juke box. Jewel songs continue to play one after another.]

KRIS [loudly]: Who the hell is the damn Jewel fan?

[Guys at next table over start laughing while looking in Kris’s direction.]

POOL PLAYER: We are. Jewel kick’s ass. She has a great voice, and she’s hot.

CHRISTINA [joking seductive voice]: You want to see hot? I’ll show you hot. How about a little striptease? Interested?

ANDY: Oh, please don’t even go there.

KRIS: Slut. I believe the correct term is slut.

ANDY: Kris, I’d watch my mouth if I were you.

JENNY: Uh, does she know we went to school with those guys?

[The guys at the next table (and the light) are focused only on Christina. She slowly unbuttons her top, but before it becomes obvious that she is wearing a T-shirt underneath, she changes her mind and starts buttoning up again.]

CHRISTINA: Oh, I’m sorry guys, I can’t do this. I only strip for Andy.

KRIS: You are such a slut, Christina. I can’t believe you.

CHRISTINA [mockingly]: Awe, come on Kris, can’t you take a little joke?

KRIS [exasperated]: You know, Andy doesn’t need this. All you’re going to do is cut him off from all his friends. You’re already doing that now. I never see him anymore, he’s always at your house or out with you. All I ever hear about anymore is what he did with you. He’s spent all week with you and I am sick of it. I should have never introduced you two. I introduce you two and now I no longer have a friend, just like the Jenny situation, which I swore would never happen again. Christina, all you do is play mind games with guys, and Andy’s going to get hurt.

ANDY: Kris, you want to mind your own damn business for once? You know, all you do is complain how rough things are for you. You bitch and moan every day about how life sucks, you have no real friends, and about how you’ll never have a girlfriend. Well, did you ever stop to consider the fact that it’s possible that the reason you still don’t have a girlfriend is because YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!? As I remember hearing the story from Christina, you may be the reason Jenny and your friend got hooked up in the first place, but you were also the reason they broke up!

KRIS: You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

ANDY: The hell I don’t. After months of feeling neglected you saw fit to intervene. You took stuff that Jenny told you about him and blew things totally out of proportion, then you sent him awful e-mail

messages about how you thought he was treating her like dirt. Of course, that only made matters worse, and, of course, that only made matters better for you. You reveled in the fact that she would come to you instead of him with her problems. You took full advantage of the situation. Only now, after oh so subtlety breaking them up, instead of getting your friends back, you lost them. You may still have Jenny since you always placed yourself on her side, but that’s it. Your betrayed one of your best friends. You lost a friend, destroyed a semester’s worth of school work, and ruined a serious relationship, all out of petty jealousy. And after all that, and even after he has vowed never to speak with you as a friend again, he has made it quite well known that all he asks from you in return is an apology. A FUCKING APOLOGY! And you can’t even be bothered for that much. So, now, what are you left with? You lost him, you lost your other friends that were his friends, you’ve obviously pissed Christina off to no end, and Kris, if you keep this up, I might be done with you, too.

KRIS: Yeah, that’s easy for you to talk about stuff like you know what happened. Yeah, you know everything. Right. You don’t know anything. Why don’t you go and do Christina somewhere and just get it over with? After you’ve accomplished that maybe we’ll have some time to hang out.

ANDY: Kris, shut your face.

[The mutterings from Kris not only continue, but increase form this point on.]

CHRISTINA: I’m not listening to this crap, I’m leaving.

ANDY: Hey, wait a second…

[Christina walks out of the pool hall followed by Andy, Jenny, and eventually Kris. Everyone gets in the car to leave.]

ANDY: I guess I’m taking everyone home now, right?

CHRISTINA: Yeah, you better before someone gets killed.

KRIS: I don’t have to get home anytime soon.

ANDY: Well, I guess that’s just too damn bad for you.

CHRISTINA: Uh, maybe everybody didn’t hear me. I said Andy had better take people home before they find themselves murdered.

JENNY: I need to get home anyway.

[The lights fade. The lights come back on with the car in front of Jenny’s house.]

ANDY: Ok Jenny, we’re here.

JENNY: Bye guys.

ANDY and CHRISTINA: Bye.

[Jenny gets out of the car and walks away. The begin to drive again.]

ANDY: Kris, you’re next.

KRIS: You always drop me off first. It would’ve been so much more convenient for you to drop Christina off first? After all, we came from that direction. Now you’re going to have to like totally backtrack.

ANDY: Shut up, I don’t want to hear it.

KRIS: No, that’s right, you don’t want to hear anything that doesn’t come from the lips of your little ice princess.

ANDY: If you open your mouth again before I get to your house, you’re walking.

KRIS: Oh, I’m walking, am [cut of by Andy].

ANDY [slams on breaks]: That’s it! Kris, get the hell out of my car!

KRIS: Yeah, just like [cut of by Andy].

ANDY [screams]: Out! [calmly and quietly] Oh, and Kris, don’t talk to me again until you apologize to Christina.

[A couple of seconds pass. Andy and Christina are in the parked car.]

ANDY: So, where you wanna go?

[Lights fade out.]