There are few things about Jack that you need to know, and even fewer that you might want to.
Among the things in the first category are the following:
- He is funnier than Paul Bunyan.
- He is shorter than Shaquille O’Neal.
- He is possessed of less vitriol and more integrity than Vlad the Impaler.
- He has made regular use of soap for well over sixteen years, and of water for well over nineteen.
- If you were to chart his position within Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you would place him on the exterior.
- He runs a successful immune system, skeletal system, nervous system and circulatory system, and a semi-successful endocrine system and muscular system.
- He has never led a successful business out of El Salvador, the Dominican Republic, or Belize.
- When attacked, he will defend himself, retaliate, and/or flee.
Among the things in the second category are the following:
Jack was born in a hospital in the Northern Hemisphere. Since then, he has grown older. He attended school until he joined the freshman class of Asperger’s Are Us in 2010, at which point there was no noticeable change in his fortunes - if anything, they improved. He graduated from Gordon College over the course of the 21st century with a degree in his native language and a separate degree in the science of politics, as well as a minor in how money interacts with other money. Since then he has assiduously sought to 1) quit making jokes and 2) focus on a lucrative career in fighting human trafficking, ideally by doing research or writing but potentially by any other means. Still, he continues to not do either of those things. If you want to hire him to do one or both of those things, you will probably be able to email him at [email protected].