Read the papers, my preciousssss Fictional characters are running rampant this spring season, writes Emit Praw, special correspondent, causing great concern and adding a general two-dimensionness to the world. Great progress has been reported from the front lines, with one rather short soldier moved to add, �Donations have been pouring in to Dobby, Miss Emit Praw, sir. Dobby got some new socks.� A promising press release has been issued assuring the public that Voldemort is almost within the Ministry�s grasp, although an interview with a second coalition soldier revealed that his �scar hurt.� Americans are advised to stock up on phoenix feathers and remember that �The Dark One's servant will escape tonight.� In sports, it�s stormtroopers v. Jedi in baseball! Says manager Vader, �If worse comes to worse, I�ll just do the long-distance Force-choke on someone. Incidentally, has anyone seen my inhaler?� Reply several thousand Jedi speaking in unison, �We have a bad feeling about this.� In the marketplace: the stock market is still plummeting. Says one stockbroker, �Darkness has struck the Middle Dow-Jones. But you must put your faith in Elendil, the briefcase that was broken.� Says his partner, �Musssssst have precioussssss.� He must have invested in Enron. On a brighter note, the holidays of Passover and Easter are fast approaching. Rumors are circulating that Voldemort is planning to use his feared Death Eater forces to �really dominate the Villain�s Easter Egg hunt this year.� Sauron counters that he has Urak-Hai, plus optional Ringwraith attachments. Darth Vader breathed heavily into his helmet throughout the whole episode; with the way his stormtroopers aim, he�ll be lucky just to find a basket. Farp Taccib Sattagg-Hinkstun really likes the idea of a Villain's Easter Egg Hunt. |
