Unless you happen to be an ancient Tibetan monk recently reincarnated in a desolate cave in the Arctic Circle, chances are you have seen sponges. No, I don�t mean those living, feeling sponges that come in circles or little tube-y shapes, I mean those rectangular, neon yellow sponges you use to clean dirty plates with. There has been a great outcry recently (well� maybe not an outcry� but there should have been an outcry) about the exploits of one of these sponges. He�s on the shelves of your shops. He�s on your television. He is misleading America�s youth. He is Spongebob Squarepants. First of all, it was his name that alerted several experts to the looming danger. As one of the specialists noted, �Spongebob�s show is watched by, gosh, I don�t know, a whole lot of kids. And the problem is, he�s misleading our children. First of all, he�s called Squarepants, but any kindergartener could tell you that his pants are obviously rectangular. I�m worried about this, because the kids watching this show are going to grow up to be our presidents and brain surgeons and pizza delivery men. I�m a bit nervous about having a pizza delivery man who doesn�t know rectangles from squares.� But that isn�t the worst of it- oh, no. You see, this naughty little invertebrate has been running amok on our television screens and on the shelves of our book stores without his trademark pants, rectangular though they may be. This summer, one of the yellow guy�s books made it onto the New York Times kids bestseller list. Its description was, and I quote (or at least, as close to it as I can remember): "Spongebob Naturepants: Tired of being shackled to the Krusty Krew, Spongebob sheds his pants and goes to live with the jellyfish.� Could Spongebob�s bad behavior result from his upbringing? As a notable psychiatrist pointed out, �Spongebob�s parents are round (although they still bear the last name 'Squarepants', but he is square. From this, we can list several possible causes for his behavior. First of all, Spongebob�s shape could have been a freak mutation or recessive gene. This mutation might have affected the parts of Spongebob�s brain- assuming he has one� we�ll save those questions for the autopsy- that tell right from wrong. Secondly, the yellow guy could have been adopted. He may have gone through some serious trauma early in life, which is why he acts the way he does now. His shape could have been the result of a tragic accident- once again, affecting crucial parts of his brain. Or Spongebob could have gone through some torment when he was younger, either from his �different� parents or his friends. Whatever he�s doing, it�s obviously a plea for attention.� This picture is not for the immature/sick minded/gerbil worshiping! We at the ASPCIO researched tirelessly (ok� so we stole it off Amazon.com� but we would have researched tirelessly, if there�d been anything worth researching) and found the cover of this offensive book: 
Among other charges, we are suing Spongebob for: 1. Indecent exposure 2. Having prominent eyelashes even though he is a boy (we suppose�) 3. Being a freak of nature (his parents are round, for crying out loud! How�d that happen?) 4. Referring to �spatulas� in at least one of his cartoons 5. Using his nose as a flute 6. Taking over the world (just check out your local mall- he�s everywhere!) 7. Living in a place called �Bikini Bottom.� (What happened to the bikini tops, hmm? Is this the message we want to send to our kids?) 8. Living in a giant pineapple (that could mean so many different things, all of them extremely wrong�) 9. Working at a place called the Krusty Krew (say it with me now� WRONG!!!) 10. Having this quote in one of his cartoons: �I smell a smelly smell that smells smelly.� Other shows to watch out for: The Powerpuff Girls, Bob the Builder, Pokemon, Thomas the Tank Engine, Hey Arnold, anything vaguely related to anime, soap operas, cheap Disney sequels to famous classics, anything containing the word �bacon.� Just check out this site and tell me the little yellow guy's not evil. Rest assured that Bikini Bottom and its law-breaking citizens will perish under the boot of Irken conquest (Hoo-ah!). All praise the almighty Tallest! Farp Taccib Sattagg-Hinkstun is outraged. |