I've been thinking about the washroom space for a long time now, specifically the work washroom.
Please examine Exhibit A:
The points of interest are labelled from 1 to 5. You'll note that stall #5 is the cul-de-sac of the washroom.
I've often wondered just which stall would be least used, and therefore the cleanest of the bunch.
I think about it everyday.
Stall 1 is the handicapped space, as denoted by a larger area than the rest of the stalls. This is okay, but too open. Anyone using the sink to our farthest left, getting the paper towel between the urinals and the sink wall (not shown), to actually having to tinkle or poop walks by you. It is this total lack of privacy which can make one clutch up and do nothing but fart.
Stall #2 is okay, however, it is too close to #1. If 90% of the pooping population avoided stall 1 for the same reason as I, then the lazy folks would invariably dirty up #2. No thank you.
Stall #3 is okay, but it is in the middle of all the stalls and urinals. I mean, if ever a gas attack occured, that would be ground zero. It is here where ALL the bad smells would congregate - that is smell central!. Nothing smells worse than someone else's mess. Pass.
Stall #4 is where I used to reside, and for this, I'll have to talk about why stall #5 is NOT the place to go.
Stall #5 is the furthest away from everything. There's only one other stall to contend with, because the right of #5 is a brick wall. It is also the most private, as only the person deciding to pee at the last urinal would have any contact with your door. Alas, it is this privacy which really makes this stall unattractive.
From the beginning of time, our ancestors have preferred to have done their business in privacy. I'm sure Adam asked Eve to pass him a fig leaf in the bush after they ate the forbidden fruit that very first day. It is our built-in nature to think of pooping as anything but natural. So we hide when we can.
However, the problem with privacy is that people will do anything if they don't think they'll be caught. Picking your nose at a deserted red light, only to have some jack smirk at the bus stop. Throwing litter on the ground when there's a shiny new garbage can three paces away while the garbage truck is down the street. Scratching indiscriminately in places of discreet when no one's watching, only to have security zoom in with their cameras. These things happen.
So too will the guy not care when dropping kids at the pool in stall 5. Because they only have to worry about one neighbour, they tend to dirty up the joint a little more because chances are, the guy who comes in to wash his hands can't see, smell or hear what's going down.
Therefore, stall 5 by far is the ugliest/dirtiest of the bunch, confirmed by yesterday when I opened the door.
A three ring circus of excrement resided inside the bowl, like chocoate frosting rejected at a Jenny Craig buffet. I took one look, and nearly barfed. I thought only elephants and very constipated fat people could lay such a waste to an otherwise sanitary bowl. I was utterly disgusted, as I'm sure you are.
I used to say stall #4 was where I went, but because I work with a bunch of Einstein-incarnates, they must have come to the same conclusion that I did, and all rush to stall #4. If I can think of this, why can't they?
So I'm at a crossroad. I happen to be regular during work hours, and would really like to find a place where I can poop in serene bliss. That's not going to happen, so instead, I do what any sane person would....
I leg it down to the first floor shower area, and use the stall in there. No one's showering in the day time, so I can let them out in all my private glory.
....Hey, would you rather read about my boring life? Me neither!
posted by losir at 7:23 PM
