We are excited to announce a new Company-wide cost-saving initiative. We have installed new electronic toilet paper dispensers for your convenience and sanitation. Effective immediately, each employee will now be required to use their company access badge to obtain toilet paper for personal use only. The Self Handling Interactive Toilet Sentry will recognize each employee and provide just the right amount of toiletry each time.

Please note that most employees will only be entitled to 2 squares of paper per visit, and there will be a one hour time lapse before more can be obtained. To make this clear, no single employee may acquire more than two sheets of paper every hour. We feel this is adequate, and will ensure the sytem is not being abused by dispensing additional unwanted paper. If you do not agree with this new policy, we suggest you BYOTP, ASAP.

However, managers may feel the need to request more toilet paper per visit, or more frequent visits per hour. This is due to the unfortunately fact they've always been known for being "full of it". Please follow standard operating protocol, titled: Character Requires Additional Paper. The proper forms may be obtained from your Adminstrative Assistant and need to be filled out in triplicate.

We at Corproate Services understand your needs and wants. By introducing these new exciting cost-cutting measures, we can boost up revenues and lower operating costs; while at the same time continually provide the exceptional service you expect from your employer.

Remeber, our motto is: Supplying Copacetic Resources Effectively When You Only Understand.

....Sometimes I surprise even myself.