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Chin Guido (CG) wanted to be married, bad. He wanted to come home every night, with dinner ready and his slippers waiting at the door. He wanted a companion, a better half, a love slave. In short, he wanted a girl. Did I mention that he wanted a wife, bad? Oh I did, nevermind.

Chin Guido looked far and wide, but it was not to be. He was whacked with the mother-of-all ugly stick, and even blind dogs feared him, growling and slobbering like he was the postman from hell. It wasn't for the lack of effort either. He had a decent job, a house, and took kung fu. So he had what most girls desired: money, security, and protection.

History will write that he did not have any untoward intentions to the girl he met over the internet through a friend's email account. Truth be known, he probably did want to date her, even though they've never met. We will never know what they wrote to each other in those emails (although saucy cynics will suggest otherwise). Suffice to say, it was steamy enough that on that fateful Thanksgiving long weekend, he decided, without telling anyone else, to hop on a plane and meet his new found internet love.

Once there, the romance was both torrid and mind-numbing. For when he returned from his three day getaway, he declared that they both had sagagiously decided to wed in a month's time. She was to come overseas accompanied by her parents from the Land of the Pickled Cabbage, meet all his family, and if were agreeable, would become one under the Holy sanctity of matrimony.

Needless to say, a fairy tale had begun. It goes: boy meets girl on internet, boy likes girl. Boy sees girl and finds out she's not a 50 year old guy name Bubba. Girl likes boy, girl wants marriage, and they live happily ever after.

Hark, but hignsight is ever perfect. For there was a grave impass between them. Neither spoke perfect English. While Chin Guido's accented English was passable, and the girl being an English teacher of her homeland, their communication skills were far from ideal. Often times, he would have to sign his intentions to her. He'd cup one hand under chin, with the other hand making chopstick pick-up food to show, "I'm famished, cook me food woman!" ; or it was palms together by face, head tilted sideways for "I'm too tired to preserve any more cabbage."

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it was pretty close. The unfortunate thing was that neither spoke nor understood each other's native tongue, so it was very hard sometimes to express their own thoughts fully. There must have been fights. And in the heat of the moment, you can imagine it was so difficult. I mean, the official sign language for fustration is flipping the bird. But come on, seriously, can you really give the wife the finger?? I think not.

Chin Guido is not known for his patience. That is not to say he didn't try, but his already short fuse seemed even more ignitable when fueled by Little Wife's insistence on disobedience. You can't blame him when she would buy a huge tub of tofu, enough to nearly feed an average Chinese family, only to leave its tin can in the fridge. No sane human would eat that much tofu to begin with, but to store it in the fridge without using plastic containers, you're just asking for trouble. Maybe it's the way they do it back home, but here in the land of the Great White North, there are bacteria and other germs always looking for a free meal. This made the already fermented tofu even more fungoid, which cannot be consumed by any person. There are 1.1 billion Chinese people, some of which are very hungry. Wasting tofu like this is just wrong. Damn wrong I say.

Incidents like the one above only strained the relationship further. Chin Guido was starting to be more uptight, while the Little Wife just couldn't or wouldn't change her ways. Pretty soon, all heck broke lose, and they had to call in air support, in the form of her parents.

The love gods pitied them, so they blessed them with a time of peace and sanity. It looked like the two had finally stared doubters in the face, and laughed at its evil meddling. Little did they know that it was only the calm before the storm. Soon after her parents flew back, the fights got worse. Not physical fights mind you, but verbal arguements that borderlined comedy for the lack of words each could use or understand during these infamous battles.

To say that disaster was imminent was an understatement. Nothing short of a miracle would save this couple from the "nasty D" - Divorce. Alas, either the planets did not align properly, incompatible Zodiacs, the Feng Shui in their home was not harmonious, or the wedding was too hurried, they seperated. She went back to her parents, and he stayed in his now near-empty house, with no mouldy tofu to remind him of her.

In the end, this fairy tale ended poorly, with both parties splitting up for good, leaving their marriage and lives torn and tattered. My condolences to Cupid, who in my opinion, was just a little too quick on the draw and his aim all too true. Next time, ask first, shoot later, okay buddy?

....Sometimes, it is better to have never loved and lost.... at least your tofu stays fresher.





posted by losir at 8:50 PM