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St. Valentine, the patron saint of love. You must either be turning in your grave, or looking down from Heaven going "Tsk Tsk, I've turned into a Hallmark moment."

Flowers, Candy, cards, restaurant reservations. "iloveyou"; "I Love You"; "I LOVE YOU" Yeah?! Well love THIS, you evil corporate sponsored, cheesy sentimental, no good so-and-so!!

What is wrong with this society, that we must have to designate a day to remember to declare our love and affection to a world of strangers?! I just don't understand. It is such a hassle too, and totally devoid of real emotions. Do we really have to fight for restaurant reservations 3 weeks in advance, buy the most decadent chocolates that cost $12 for 3 pieces not even big enough to fill a cavity, and buy a boquet of flowers which:
A) does not grown in the winter
B) are genetically engineered to wither faster than stale cabbage in the back of a dump truck
C) costs $80 for anything that doesn't look like you picked them yourself???

People, please help me out. Stand back and take a breather with me. That's right.... in, out. In, out. Left a-circle, right a-circle.... wax on, wax off....

I believe in affection. I believe in telling the ones you love that you genuinely adore them. But I don't need a day marked out by some dead guy to force me to show that even though I look like a cold-hearted, snivelling, conniving, self-centered, machoistic man, I really ain't. And to prove it, I will jump through these fiery hoops while carrying sweet chocolate confection in my left hand, a dozen pollen polluting, allergy inducing petals of love in my right, all the while making sure you eat somewhere where Bill Gates couldn't afford to buy a bag of salted peanuts, AND to top it off, it's gotta be romantic and fun. Tall order? Nah, don'cha know I can juggle 500 pounds elephants and chainsaws all at once too? With my nose even!

I'm out of steam. I really don't think I can go through that every year. I'm a simple man. An easy person to get along with, and an even more easy person to please. I too love a good meal, as well as roses to brighten up a room. Chocolate, although no longer a favorite of mine, is still a good treat in conservative doses. I just don't need to be told to do these things. Not all at once. Too much.

But it's not really about me, is it? It's about showing affection. It's about telling everyone who sees you that day that you love the person you're with; and therein lies my point. I want her to know, but I don't care if the matre'd thinks I'm a stud, or the counter help at Godiva Chocolates wishes I was her sweet Valentine because I've just blown a paycheck on real gold flakes speckled with Smarties.

Build me a bomb shelter and stock it with a night's worth of rations. I'm hoping that I can convince her to spend it with me on Feb 14th. Maybe we'll rent a sappy little movie that night, turn on the electric blanket, and just watch it together, nice and warm like. Popcorn, soda, and a bag of chips.... hey I ain't frugal, throw in a bag of M&M Peanuts too!

As for flowers, I'm allergic. How about a cactus plant? They're like me, very low maintainance. Actually they're better than me. Cactus doesn't need a fifteen thousand dollar motorcycle to be happy, do they?

....does McDogs have McLove Burgers, hmmmm.

posted by losir at 2:58 PM