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*sigh*. My work is never done. I guess I need to write a followup to last Monday's entry on how to treat a girl right.

The topic for today pupils, is open to discussion. It's by no means the final word. I, your dutiful and humble teacher, will try to enlighten you, my reader and student, into the ways of the mythical "Phone Call." (Gong sounds, everybody bows.)

You've gotten the mustard to get her number. The first hurdle of calling her up without wetting yourself and sounding like somebody having an epileptic seizure has been overcomed. You second conquer, although incomplete and not without losses, went as most first date do. It wasn't the greatest time in the world but at the very least, you held yourself together, even after 1 or 2 drinks. "Great!" you say, patting yourself on the back. "I'm on my way to gleaning a fruitful relationship with the girl of my dreams. Telephone number, 'checked'. Date, 'checked'. Dinner plans, fun time at club, alcohol, 'check, check, and check!' From here on out, it's nothing but smooth sailing in the sea of looooove." (Think Barry White.)

Not so fast bucko. Don't think you're in the clear. One date doesn't clinch it, not by a long mile. The road to happy-dom is long and arduous, with the man always fighting a losing battle. If you think taking the beach of Normandy was bloody, you don't know women. I've always thought that if the Axis had allowed their women to fight, I'd be speaking German today. What am I getting at? Women are feisty, and once entrenched in their ideals, it's nigh impossible to rouse them.

Hence, after that crucial first date, your subsequent phone calls should be well planned and thoughtout, looking for a tactical advantage. Your action should be decisive yet fluid, allowing for on-the-fly changes. Call too early, and you've lost to Eager Beaver Syndrom. Your dam will never be built. Too late, and your dam is too high, and all vegetation below the dam will wither and die. Don't let your guard down soldier, there's still a war to be won!

When it comes to talking to her after the first date, don't think of blitzkrieg. For those that don't know, "blitz" means Lightning, and "krieg" means War; "Lightning-War". That is, don't strike hard and fast. Hard and fast on a phone means you call her, and hanging up within 1 minute. No! You stupid dumbkoff! Back to the barracks. No soup for you! One year!!

Instead, be smooth and gentle, like petting a new dog for the first time. Tell her you it was great, bring up a funny moment from the date that still makes you chuckle each time you think of it. Let her know that having her around was excellent fun, and it was a totally wicked time. Talk with her, not to her. It's not all semantics. There is a difference. Heck, tell her a joke if you have to. "Why did the monkey cross the road?.... Because it was tied to the chicken."

Come on Private, you know better than to rush headlong into the enemy waving only a water pistol. Don't let yourself become a loser. Call her and fight the good fight. Don't let her scare you off. If you're too timid to stay on the phone and chat, you've no reason to be on the front lines. Go back home and wear your diapers. Your soother will be where you've left it, in the crib.

Troops. Unlike injury and stock options, girlfriends and/or dates aren't given out for free. You have to earn their trust and respect. If you can't remotely look cool to the girl, you might as well be a hole in the ground. On the road of life, don't be a speed bump. Instead, be a gas station. All travellers when lost in the road take great comfort in seeing a gas station. There's fuel for the car so they won't get stuck, and there's probably someone in the station that can give them firm directions. Be the gas station. (I know that people leave after getting gas.... it's a flawed analogy. :P)

That is all. Now go out there and win yourself a girl gentlemen. There's no point for being in second place.

....when in doubt, take her to a comedy club. Even if you can't be funny, at least show her you know who can. posted by losir at 1:08 PM