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I saw her nickname across a crowded Yahoo Messenger. It stuck out like a lonely star in an otherwise tranquil night. Her nick, so appealing, so inviting, and yet I hesitated. Fear of rejection, certainly; but it was more than that. Or maybe less. I don't know. There's no words to describe my trepidation.

I envisioned that she would be surprised to read my words. Plesantly surprised I hoped, not anger; like being tricked to chew on peppered gum. But alas, I don't know how she would react if I interrupted her day with the chime of the Yahoo Pager. Maybe she would be mad, or maybe worse, she'd feel indifferent. Maybe she now thinks of me as nothing more than an acquaintance. The ones you meet at work, who works on a different floor, the only contact being official work related email. You'd say hi in the hallway, and ask "How are you?" But in honestly, you could care less, except to be civil. Yes, maybe that's how she'd feel.

Or maybe she'd genuinely be happy. As happy as a newly adopted pup. Waiting at the door, waiting for the turn of the key that signals the return of it's playfriend. Maybe she would think of me as her personal chewtoy. I'd take that, and gladly accept.

So many maybes, and no answers. I can only dream and speculate at her response. Why would she'd even want to hear from me? She might not even have 5 minutes of free time to spare. Little ol' me. Stuck in a tree. So the nursery rhyme starts.

I think I'll hold off, and see. Maybe the desire to page her will surpass, and in time, so too will my feelings. I can certainly understand if her feelings for me have lessened; water-downed. I know that if I was her, I couldn't stand me either. :(

But who am I kidding. There's no coming back from words with conviction. Words you say out of anger are the truest of them all. That's when nothing else matters except getting your point across. So maybe this is a parting of ways. What the media calls an amicable split. We'll see.

...It has been an interesting journey. I hope to find out how it ends....together.
posted by losir at 2:43 PM