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As kids, we are taught to "If you don't know, then ask.". It worked up to about when I hit 12, then I encountered these things called females.

It's really rather perplexing. Let me see if I can read off my trusty old score card here:
Yes don't mean no.
No doesn't always mean no.
Yes sometimes mean maybe.
Maybe is a no.
It's only No if it was a Yes 2 months ago, while drunker than a skunk. *sigh*.

But I know one thing, Yes DEFINITELY doesn't mean Yes. (Well, that's correct like maybe 1 times out of 10, which isn't bad.... better than lottery odds, though you still don't win when you hit. :) )

I swear, I'm pretty sure I've seen this little blue book that all wimmen carry, and the title was "The Female Handbook to Fustrating Men." Issued when they purchase their first training bra. The code name for this book was BB, which when said cutely, sounds like they're referring to "baby". Hence, when all the women oogle each time they see a little tot in a stroller, they're really doing some secret society greeting!! "Oooh, look at the cute BB.", or "Awww, isn't that BB adorable?" I've also heard rumours of little "cheat sheets" for girls to memorize. Apparantly, they start them young these days, sometimes as early as age 10! Come on gals, admit it, you take classes on confusion, and plot at night; scheming and playing the vixen on men's demise. I'm on to ya. Grrrrr.

It's just not possible to understand the "FE-bus MALE-us" mind. (Which is Latin for "Trouble". Fe-bus, meaning "Uh", Male-us, meaning "Oh".) Lord knows I've aged 20 years just trying to comprehend, (no, too weak a word; anticipate!) girl's whims and wishes. They are flighty as feathers, and stubborn as the proverbial ox.

Take for example, the morning ritual of slapping off the alarm clock. When a girl asks that you set the time to 7:30 am. You do it without question. However, being the ever vigilant male, I took the liberty to setting the time (not alarm clock) to 8am, when infact it was 8PM. Thus, when the alarm time of 7:30am is reached, then the clock will show PM. Ah, but there's a method to my madness. You see, no guys like to get up at that ungodly hour. No STRAIGHT guy that is. Or at the very least, no straight male would get up at that hour without much hate on the world. But I digress.

That's why, although the alarm clock shows 7:30am, the actual time was 12 hours ahead/behind. I figure that since I (being the ever straight man) hate mornings, girls will too. So, in essence that means that when it's time for them to wake, they won't have to. How brilliant is that?! Gentleman, call Nobel, and pencil in an appointment; I might be able to spare a sec to recive a prize.

But to my horror, they actually WANT to get up at 7:30am. Things like washing their hair and driving their boss to work on time is REALLY important. Who knew?! We just wear a baseball cap and call in sick. Problem solved.

But ooooh no. Talk about Crouching Anger, Hidden Bodyslam....

Boys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. When you look at them females, and you get a little flutter in your heart, and your knees buckle each time you smell their perfume. That's them there signals for you to git. If there's a particular gal that makes you stutter like a cold engine in sub-freezing weather, then run in the opposite direction while flailing your arms madly. If you've warned your fellow man that there's a girl within a 10 km radius (6.2139999999999995 miles) of your exact proximity, you've done good.

...Wimmen. Can't live without 'em, but you'd like to. posted by losir at 11:52 AM