• A sign at a railroad station saids: 'Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.'
• A letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services said, 'Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death.' The moron who wrote the letter apparently forgot that since the person whom the letter is addressing is dead, there is no use writing a letter to him.
• John Sedgwick, a Union commander during the Civil War, uttered these last words about the enemy forces during a battle: 'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--'Hilarious!!!
• Brittany Spears - 'I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.'
• While campaigning across the nation Stockwell Day pointed to a river behind him and said,'many educated Canadians are going South just as this river flows.' It was quickly pointed out to Day that the river flows north. Day replied, 'I'll have someone look into it.'
• 'The American peoples expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations.' Quote by George W. Bush Jr at one of his first televised cabinet meetings in an opening speech to his cabinet.
• 'We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.' - George W. Bush Jr

Jokes

• A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, 'I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.' His buddy hung his head. 'To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.' - Submitted by Mike Jones
• This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision." #2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." #1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course." #2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course." #1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!" #2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"
• Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A: A tourist. Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? A: One of them is organized.
• Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
• a few quotes from Marion Barry while Mayor of Washington DC: If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate. (NO KIDDING!) I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa? (Obviously slept thru geography class.) The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice. (hmmm... math not his strong point) I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man. (No...you are a dork.)
• A man was riding in his car when a patrolman pulled him over and said, "You've just won $5,000 for wearing your seatbelt in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?" And the guy said, "Well, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my drivers' license." Then his wife, who was sitting beside him said, "Don't listen to him. He's always cocky when he's drunk." Suddenly a guy popped up from the backseat and said, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." Soon came a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, " Are we over the border yet?"
• Here are some REMARKABLY STUPID directions from real products... On a bar of Dial bath bar... Directions: Use like regular soap. On a bag of Fritos... You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a Korean kitchen knife... Warning: Keep out of children. On a package of Sunmaid raisins... Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

Sign Guestbook View Guestbook

---

E-Mail [email protected]



Home Page