IN LOVING MEMORY OF APRIL D. BARNEY

FEB. 11, 1967 - MARCH 2, 2001

THAT DAY

I remember that day clearly.  The day my sister died I lost my soul. To understand my feelings I must start from the beginning. It started on a day when I called my parents from my house.  My mom told me that April was in the hospital because she was throwing up all day and night. Well, I called the next day to find out what was wrong. My dad told me she had a kidney infection. I was going to go see her but thought nothing of it.  I was sure that she would get better and get out of the hospital soon. Well, a week went by and I went to go see my parents at their house. My mom backed me in a corner and told me that April wasn't doing so well. She said she collapsed in the hospital bathroom and couldn't walk.  I remember thinking,  "Why didn't anybody call me and tell me this." So I went home and told my wife that I was going to go see her at the hospital. I remember pulling up to the hospital trying to expect the worse. But when I walked in the room I NEVER expected what I saw. She looked awful-nothing like what my sister should look like. Her face was swollen and pale as a ghost.  I mean she was white, white. When her arms were lifted her hands would dangle like they were nothing. I felt like I was going to throw up, but I stood there and smiled like nothing was wrong with me so I wouldn't scare my sister. But I think she knew I was scared, and with her humorous personality just picked up her arms with them dangling and said to me, "Look at me Billy; I'm gay."  We both laughed. A couple of days went by, and I went to go see her again. I walked in and saw that Anitta and Carla were there. April looked good, but she was still swollen and her arms were still dangling like nothing. We all talked for about 15 minutes, and then a nurse came in to give her a shot. She said it was a new shot they were going to try on her. It was called a starburst or something like that. She stuck the shot in her I.V. and something happened. April started yelling, "Something is wrong, it burns." Then she started screaming, saying she couldn't breath, and her legs were burning. She scared me, Anitta, and Carla half to death. Anitta and Carla's eyes filled with fear and swelled with tears. I, myself, was scared to. I remember that my heartbeat was up in my throat.  I also remember April yelling at Raymond that she had to use the restroom, and Raymond yelling back, telling her to hold it while he found the thing she was supposed to go in. I heard a gaseous noise and I remember saying "too late". That released a little tension on me. I thought that was a little funny. So I took a big breath and tried to stay strong for Anitta and Carla. We all went outside of her room.  Carla and Anitta were still upset.  I talked to them and told them that she was probably just having a bad reaction to the shot, or she was just having a panic attack because April always had panic attacks about the weirdest things. As I talked to them more, they started to calm down. We went back to her room after Raymond cleaned her up. Anitta and Carla stayed for a little longer and then left. I stayed to help Raymond with April. I stood there for a while just watching April try to get out of bed, screaming that she couldn't breath.  I was still a little scared to see my sister like that. I remember April looking at me with that fear in her eyes saying, "Help me Billy;  I can't breath."  It woke me up, and I said to myself, "Help her Billy; this is your sister."   I went over and sat beside her and grabbed her hand.  I took her hand and put it up to her mouth.  At first she tried to bite her finger. I started to laugh and said, "Quit that."   I said,  "O.k April blow on your hand." She did. I said it again, and she did, and one more time, and she did. I asked her, "Can you feel your breath on your hand?" She said "yes".  I said, "See, you're breathing."Raymond and I  did that for about another hour. She started to finally calm down a little. I got up and sat on the other side of her and held her hand. I remember telling her about April's brother having a baby, and telling her that April and I  were thinking about having another baby. I was trying to get her mind off of it. But really, I couldn't think of anything to talk about, so I turned on the T.V. and watched it with her.  I remember sitting there and all of the sudden she passed gas. I started to laugh. Raymond said, "You'd better not be messing on yourself," and April did it some more looking down at herself while she did. I looked at Raymond and said, "I think she did."  Raymond checked and said "Yep."  I stood up and said, "I'll leave on this one!," and gave April a kiss and told her that I loved her. I told Raymond to call me and tell me if she got any better.  About an hour or two later, Raymond called and said she was doing a lot better and that she was asleep. I got off the phone with him and called Anitta and Dad to tell them.  I can't remember exactly when Raymond spent the night with me and my wife. But, that night he told me that he promised April that he wouldn't let them use her as a Ginea pig.  He was absolutely torn up.  He was crying and telling me that he wanted to respect April's wishes, but that he also wanted her to get better. He didn't know what to do. He said that April didn't want to go to Lexington. He was really bad off. I didn't really know what to say. As a brother I wanted to say, "No Raymond.  Do whatever you have to do to save her."  But also as a brother, and knowing what she had gone through, I wanted to say, "Well, if that's what April wants, do it."  I didn't want to lose her anymore than Raymond did.  It was a rough night.  About a week went by, and I took the kids to go see her.  She looked really good, and she had her color back. She was real happy and making us laugh.  I remember her gas the most. She would kill me if she knew I was talking about this.  But that day her gas smelt awful, and she kept telling David to come and give her a kiss, but really she wanted to pass gas when he got next to her.  We were all laughing and having a good time. We still didn't know what was wrong with her at this time.  I remember going to the car after the visit. and we forgot something in the room, so I went back up to the room to get it.  I remember walking in and seeing Raymond feeding April pudding with her pills in it.  That's the only way she could get them down.  I remember feeling so sorry for her and wishing I was in her place.  She looked so pitiful.  I think she was in a lot of pain and didn't show it when we were there.  She didn't want to scare her kids.  That day sticks in my head a lot because I actually caught her off guard and saw what she was really feeling.  A couple of days went by, and they said that they were going to treat her for Barre Syndrome. They took nerves out of her legs to test them, and they started treating her soon after that. At this time, we all had our hopes high because we thought they had found what was wrong with her. She started to feel and look better.  Then, all of the sudden, she started to get worse than she was. She could hardly breath.  Dad called me one night and told me that she was in I.C.U., and I said that I was going to go see her.  I remember thinking of not seeing her because I was tired and it was late; but something told me I should go see her.  I got to the hospital and walked through the I.C.U. area.  I finally found her room.  I walked in and saw that Mom and Kathy were there with Raymond.  April seemed to be sort of out of it.  She could hardly breath.  She got the news that she was going to Lexington, and she didn't want to go.  Mom and Kathy left, and it was just me and Raymond.  I tried to talk to her, but she was whispering and I could hardly make out what she was saying.  Raymond left, and it was just me and April.  I didn't know what to say.  I just talked about the little Taco Bell dog that someone gave her.  She called it "Angel".  I remember seeing an eye lash on her eye, and taking it off, telling her to make a wish.  I remember wondering what she wished for.  That was a strange night.  When I was about to leave, I gave April a kiss like usual and told her that I loved her.  I started to walk out and April, with all the breath she could get out, yelled to me and stopped me as I started to walk out the door.  I turned and came back to her, and she said, "Tell the kids I will be alright and that I love them."  I said that I would.  I didn't think anything of it, but I did tell them when I went home.  I lied to them and told them that she looked really good  when, in reality, she looked awful.  I just wish I had known that that would be the last day I would see her alive because I would have said a lot more to her and stayed a little longer. The next morning, she was being sent to Lexington. We all thought "Great, she will get better now.  They will know what to do with all their better equipment."  They finally took April to Lexington.  Jamie and Brenda went to go see her and said she looked good, but that she had the breathing equipment in her mouth.  I decided to call off work and go up there with them the next time and see her. When the day came, we had a good time driving up there, still expecting great things from UK. We finally got there and went up to the unit she was in.  We walked in and saw Raymond in the waiting room.  We wanted to go see her, but Raymond said that they were sticking another tube in the other main artery. We went down to smoke a cigarette.  When we came back up, the doctor was waiting for Raymond, and he went back there to see what was going on. Raymond came out of the back room crying.  We were all worried, wondering what was going on.  Raymond said, "Come on, and I'll tell you in the smoking area." When we made it to the smoking area he said that they lost April again.  While they were putting the tube in, she went into shock and died.  He explained that they brought her back but she was in a coma.  Raymond took off down the street and started to cry uncontrollably to himself.  We just stood there and looked at each other.  I went over to Raymond and put my hand on his shoulder and asked him if he was alright.  He answered "yes" and said that he just couldn't take anymore of it. It was killing him.  We told him that he needed some help up there.  He couldn't do it all by himself. He replied, "No, I can handle it."  We stayed for a couple of hours hoping to hear at least some good news before we left.  But none. So, we left to go home. The ride back was quiet, not much said.  We were planning on going up there again soon. I think it was about a day or two later when I got a call from Raymond telling me that we needed to go up there and see April the next day. He said that they were going to try a dialysis on her, but the doctor said that the family should be there the following day.  I asked, "What are you saying, Raymond?"  He told me, and I remember this well, that it was over.  I was still confused and didn't know exactly what he was talking about.  He said, "Let me tell the kids."  I remember David getting on the phone and then starting to cry. And then Tiffany. And then I knew what was happening. So I called Dad and told him that Raymond said we needed to go up there the next day.  He asked "why?". I said, "That's it, Dad."  I started to cry and Dad said, "What?  Wait a minute, what are you talking about?  I replied that they were going to do a dialysis on her, but the doctors wanted us to be there the next day.  I was still kind of confused. I said to him, "I guess this means that that's it."  And Dad said "ok".  I told him that I loved him and hanged up the phone.  Then, we all gathered in the middle of the living room, and I said, "Let's not give up, yet.           They are still going to do a dialysis on her."  And we prayed--and prayed hard.  After that, I left  to go see Mom and Dad to comfort them.  That was the last time I cried for a while.  While I was over at Mom and Dad's house, we got a call from Brenda.  She was telling us that a friend of her mom had the same thing happen to him and they did a dialysis on him and he got better. It got our hopes up again.  We all sucked it up and stayed strong.  I went to go see my real mom and I remember walking up to the door and hearing her crying out loud. I walked in feeling like the savior. Mom hugged me and said she loved me. I was like, " Wait mom what did you hear?"   She said that they were going to pull the plug on her.  I said, "No they are still going to try one more thing."  But she asked, "Are you sure Billy?"  I replied  "Yes, don't give up yet, she is not gone yet."  So I left from there to go see my aunt.  I walked into the place where she was working and told her the same thing.  Feeling good about myself, I finally went home and pulled up to the driveway and turned the car off.  I sat there and prayed real hard for April to come out of this and get better.  It was the first time I ever really prayed.  I walked in the house and Tiffany was the first to greet me. She said, "Dad called and said we need to come NOW."  I was thinking to myself, "after all that I just did, and this is what I get."  I asked April if Mom knew and she said "Yes, and she wants to drive up with us."  So we all got in the car and were  going to meet at dad's house.  I remember pulling up and seeing my real mom hugging my step mom, crying and telling her "thank you" for everything she had done for April.  It brought tears to my eyes.  We all left, and it seemed like it took forever to get there.  It was a long quiet drive.  I remember pulling up and seeing everybody in the waiting room.  Raymond's cousin, Kenny, asked me and Jamie if we were going in to see her.  We said, "yes, definitely."  He took us to the side, and told us what to expect.  I walked in with my dad and step mom.  It was the  scariest thing I had ever done in my life.  I walked in the door and there were other people on each side of the room laying in beds.  Some looked pretty bad off.  I remember seeing a black guy who appeared to have burns all over his body.  With each step closer to my sister's room, I found it more difficult to breathe.  I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.  We reached where she was, and the curtain was closed.  I remember walking behind the curtain, and the first thing I saw was that April's eyes were still open.  They looked like they weren't even real--like a dummy's eyes.  They had gel over them to keep them from drying out.  She had a tube from her mouth, and her tongue was sticking out.  With each breath that the machine gave her, her body moved. 

            Dad was walking around, not knowing what to do.  I walked over and put my hand on her forehead, and said, "Feel Dad, she still feels warm."  Dad came over and felt her.  I let Dad and Anitta. walk over to her.  I remember looking down at a chair and seeing her little footy and arm supports.  She had to wear those to keep her hands and feet straight instead of having them hang.  I remember wanting to take her little footy thing so bad.  But I didn't.  I walked over to April and rubbed her forehead and gave her a big long kiss on it.  And I whispered in her ear,  "I'll be alright.  It's ok to leave.  You put up a hell of a fight, I know you don't want to go, but it's o.k. with me.  We left, and I went in there again with Kim and Mom.  As soon as Mom saw April, she started crying aloud.  She went over and started caressing her hair, and softly said, "My baby" and whispered something long into her ear.  I remember Kim looking down on her and I'll never forget the look on her face when she turned to me, grabbed, and hugged me.  Then I went in with my wife, April, Carla and Mike.  Carla was as pale as a ghost because she was scared to go in an see her.  But we talked her into going in.  I remember telling my wife, April, that she was still warm.  I picked up my sister's hand.  It was ice cold.  It scared me, and I put it back down.  It hit me that she was probably dead and that the only thing keeping her alive was the machine.  I remember staring right into her eyes, and it looked like she was staring back at me.  I saw her tongue move, and It scared me.  I remember thinking, "Should I tell somebody that she still might be alive? Is she staring at me, pleading with me that she doesn't want to go?  Was that her way of trying to tell me?"  That sticks in the back of my head more than anything.

We all left the room and walked back to the waiting area.  I did not cry through any of this, and I could tell people were starting to worry about me.  They would stare at me, or come up to me and ask me if I was alright.  I was staying strong for the family.  I knew crying wouldn't help out my parents.  I didn't want to do anything to make them worry about me, so I blocked it all out and stayed strong for them.  We all finally left to go home.  As we were pulling out of the hospital, I blew a kiss to my sister.  It was a long, sad, quiet ride home, not much said at all., just the sound of Tiffany crying to herself.  I remember getting home, and I was still doing o.k. Then all of the sudden, I saw a picture of April and went out to the smoking room to smoke and, BOOM, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just couldn't stop crying, and noone was around to comfort me.  I picked myself up and went into the kitchen to fix me something to eat because I was starving.  I took the bread over to the washing machine and ,BOOM, it hit me again.  I stood there with my head on the washing machine, crying.  I remember seeing Tiffany walk in and then back out.  She walked in again and handed me a tissue.  So I dried my tears and said to myself, "I need to stay strong for the kids."  I didn't get much sleep that night.  I went to work for a meeting.  The next day was going to be the day we opened the new store. So, I told my boss that I was going to need my three days for the funeral.  I stayed for the meeting, and on that same day they were unplugging my sister.  I remember looking at everybody laughing and smiling and having a good time.  People would talk to me, and I tried to act happy.  Nobody knew what had just happened in my life. 

            The day came for the visitation.  We pulled up to the funeral home and my wife and I  walked in.  Mom and her ex-husband, Robin, were in there along with others.  We stood outside of the waiting room for what seemed to be hours, waiting for them to open the doors to where April was.  They finally opened them, and we walked in.  I remember walking in and seeing the casket, and I could just barely see April in it from the distance.  I walked closer, and I was surprised.  She looked really good compared to the way she looked for the past month.  I remember looking at her hair because everyone was worried that they wouldn't fix her hair right.  But, I thought they did a good job.  I remember Dad and Anitta walking up to her.  Dad walked up and said "oyy".  That was a thing we did in the family.  It was like a hello.  April did it the most.  Every time she called that was the first thing that would come out of her mouth.  Come to think of it, we don't say much of that word anymore.  I remember walking up and, unlike the other bodies I've seen in my past, I wasn't afraid to touch her.  I held her hand, and I remember smelling that smell.  I guess it's from the make-up they use.  I smell it at all the visitations.  I also remember seeing a hair on her shoulder and I picking it off and putting it on my shoulder.  I wanted to save it, but I couldn't think of anywhere to put it, so I stuck it on my shoulder.  But, I guess while in the midst of hugging everyone, it fell off.  I walked around and talked to people.  I remember smelling oranges, and I thought it was just perfume or something someone was wearing.  And April, my wife, was asking me if I smelt it, and I said "yes".  And then it disappeared.  Then, Carla was over on the other side having a hard time.  I remember smelling it again around her.  And then it disappeared again.  We thought it was April because she loved oranges.  I walked around some more, still trying to stay strong for others.  But, I remember walking up to her one time and where people were holding her hand a lot, it rubbed the make-up off, and I could see a bruise on her hand where they had an I.V.  I held her hand, and all the things we did when we were growing up and wouldn't be able to do anymore hit me-  never going to her house to see her, never hearing her voice again, never being able to make her laugh and hear her say "You're so stupid, Billy", never being over at her house and seeing the kids make her upset, and hearing her yell at them, saying "I'm going to kick your anus."  I was going to miss a lot.  I started to cry.  And I remember turning and Barbie, my step-sister, hugged me.  I left her side and talked to people to get my mind off of it.  I came back later, and the same thing happened.  I turned and my aunt hugged me.  That day was long and painful.  The next day, we all gathered again.  They had chairs set up in front of the casket.  I remember everyone sitting there.  I walked up alone to see her.  I was holding her hand, and the tears just started falling.   I remember a tear falling into her casket, and I remember saying, "Well, April will take a tear from me with her.  Jamie came up behind me and asked me if I was alright.  I said,"Yes, I'm just going to miss her."  I hate crying in front of people, but I needed a tissue, so I had to turn and face everybody to go get one.  I remember that a few people started crying when they saw me.  I guess they just felt bad for me or something.  When the funeral service began, we all sat and the preacher said what he had to say.  I remember one point of his preaching.  He was talking about April, and the sun came through the window and brightened up the whole place.  Then, it disappeared.  After the preaching, it was time to leave.  Everyone left behind us and hugged the family before they left.  I remember thinking of all the other funerals I'd been to and how when I left, I lined up to hug the family.  And, I remember thinking, "I can't believe it's me this time."  My dad, Anitta, and I went up to the casket one more time.  I remember Dad walking up to the casket and saying "My baby" and holding her hand.  He turned and the preacher said to him, "I know what you're going through because I lost a child",  and he hugged Dad.  Anitta was crying and holding April's hand, too.  I went up to her and kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her.  We walked out to our cars and waited for them to load her into the hurse.  They finally pulled out.  We drove to the cemetery, and my brother and I, along with a few other people, carried her to the place where the preacher said his last words before they buried her.  I remember thinking of how light she was. I thought of one time when we were up at my real mother's house, and April had a little too much to drink and fell asleep.  I carried her up the stairs to her kids.  She was light then, too.  I remember thinking that it would be the last time I would carry or see my sister again.  The preacher said his last words, and I got a rose off of her casket and we left.  I went over to my cousin's house to see everyone, and I remember everyone being there.  I had to walk outside.  I started to cry out there, and Mom came out talking. She didn't notice that I was crying, but I finally turned and she said,  "Son, are you alright?"   I said  "Yes, I just wish she was here to see everybody."  I stayed for a while and talked.  Then, I went over to my dad's house, and there were a lot of people there.