Two engineering students
were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"
The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when
a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded
approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
To the optimist, the glass
is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A pastor, a doctor and an
engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes
the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi,
George. Say,
what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a
moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good
idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said,
"Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who
had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his
company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the
company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having
with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called
on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your
problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded
briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the
engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference
between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Three engineering students
were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One
said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it
was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."
The last said,
"Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste
pipeline through a recreational area?"
"Normal people believe
that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
An architect, an artist and
an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife
or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time
with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I
like both."
"Both?" they
asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If
you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time
with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineer was crossing a
road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it
in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket.
The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and
do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog, now that's cool."
Understanding
Engineers #10
The graduate with a Science degree
asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering
degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts
degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
Understanding
Engineers #11
Engineers think that equations
approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...
Understanding
Engineers #12
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a
Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out
of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into
the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of
the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement
wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
be empty again."
Understanding
Engineers #13
An engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them
inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds
the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best
solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a
circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence
tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular
fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After
giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and
then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
Understanding
Engineers #14
In some foreign country a priest, a
lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on
the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been
saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and
again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice
for the same crime he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"