"I know another wrong won’t make it right

I know another drink won’t keep my senses clean

Put a gun to my head, might stop me for a while

I know another shot could get me through the night"

Kian disposed the needle into the bin, hiding it carefully. If somebody found out it would ruin his career. What was left of it, that is.

He grabbed the bottle on the bedside table and took another mouthful of the liquid. He laid back on the bed, feeling the alcohol rush through his veins. Mixing with that other stuff. It made him feel so high.

It felt so good. He thought about taking another shot. No, he’d wait a little longer. Just a little longer. He closed his eyes. The image of Nicky’s face haunted him, tortured him.

The look of pain when he’d caught Kian in bed with… he’d rather not think about him. Some tosser he’d picked up. He had thought Nicky wouldn’t notice, but he’d walked straight into the room. He had seen it all. And Kian could kill himself for it. He was angry. Angry with himself for hurting someone he loved.

"But I feel my anger, I’m so unstable

And I want to hold back, but I’m just not able

So I found redemption in a long white bottle

Could it be I’m desperate? When it keeps me calm…

Until I wake"

He sat up a little, hungrily taking a bit more out of the bottle. Nicky hadn’t spoken to him for a week now. A whole week. It had dragged. Smile for the cameras, the fans…

Of course, the other lads knew. They’d have to. Him and Nicky not speaking. Well, or the fact that when Nicky had broken down and rushed out of the room he’d run into Shane, told him what happened.

A pang of jealousy came over Kian. Shane. He’d run back to Shane. Shane was, of course, the ever nice, clever boy who was always there. Always there for Nicky. The person Nicky ran to as soon as the relationship went wrong.

And this time it had been all Kian’s fault. He knew it. And it angered him more. He really felt like killing himself. Would anyone even care? The lads were all on Nicky’s side anyway.

"I need another way to get me loose

I need another way to let my thoughts go free

Cantcha understand that I’m a complicated man?

I need another shot before I tie my nose"

He’d been trying to talk to Nicky. Really trying. Just to explain. Nicky had said there was nothing to explain. Nothing. But, there was. Kian wanted to make Nicky understand. He wanted Nicky to know he loved him. He wanted a second chance.

He heard laughter from the adjoining room. He knew the other lads were home from the party they had gone to. He hadn’t felt like going. He wanted to be alone, to think.

And he was thinking. He thought about his relationship with Nicky. About Nicky. How he had been the only thing that made Kian’s life worth living. He’d been who got him through the days.

The pressure of day- to- day life. The stress, the bad press. He’d been who kept him company at night. Now he was lonely. So lonely. And not just the way he had felt a week back. That time, he’d just been a little lonely ‘cause Nicky was somewhere else, and lust had prevented him from thinking straight. This time, he was really lonely. And the drugs and alcohol prevented him from thinking straight.

He wanted to kill himself. Just close his eyes and never wake up again.

"But I feel my anger, I’m so unstable

And I want to hold back, but I’m just not able

So I found redemption in a long white bottle

Could it be I’m desperate? When it keeps me calm…

Until I wake"

He’d always been the strong one out of the lads. Everyone had gone to him for advice, a shoulder to cry on. Now when he needed the same, no one was there to give it to him. No one.

He brought the bottle back to his mouth, but realised it was empty. He threw it across the bed, down to his feet. It slid off the side of the bed and landed on the floor. Kian looked down at it. It was like his life right now. Shattered.

He sat up, steadying himself against the wall. He reached his hand for the package on the table. Just another shot. What harm could it do? It might make him sleep. Relax him a little. His hand shook slightly as he pressed the sharp object into his arm.

"Hey, yeah… it’s my mind, yeah… it’s my way

And it comforts me, yes it comforts me

But I never - felt at ease

And I’m on my – bended knees

And nothing can – stop me now

‘Cause I’m loaded…"

He closed his eyes to wait for the sensation. But it never came. Instead there was a wave of pain, and then numbness. He tried to move but he only fell to the floor.

He gasped for breath; it felt like someone had tied a knot on his throat. His whole body was shaking. A single tear ran down his cheek. He prayed.

He didn’t want to die really; it had just been a nasty, careless thought. Like that night he’d gone off with someone else. Foolishness. Why couldn’t he learn from his mistakes?

He closed his eyes and gave into the darkness.

"Could I learn my lesson?

Cantcha feel my anger?

Break me, can’t make me

Believe me, yeah"

"Kian, why aren’t you-" Mark stopped mid-sentence.

"Oh my God!"

"What?" Bryan peeked over his shoulder.

"Get a doctor…" Mark whispered slowly.

"Hey, what’s going on?" Nicky suddenly appeared.

Mark managed a smile. "Erm, nothing, just go back to what you were doing, Nicky, everything’s… just fine."

Nicky raised his eyebrows. "Mark, don’t pull that one on me."

He walked over, before Mark could stop him, and gasped at Kian’s motionless body on the floor.

"Fuck, Mark, don’t just stand there! Help, is somebody getting help?!"

Mark nodded, "Bryan is."

Nicky didn’t reply and rushed over. He found Kian’s pulse, it was very vague. He placed his hand over Kian’s mouth and nose.

"He isn’t breathing! Did you know he wasn’t breathing?" Mark shook his head. "You didn’t check! Fuck Mark, you find Kian like this in the morning and you don’t even check is he alive?! Don’t you care?!"

Mark stayed quiet; he couldn’t really say his first reaction had been to make sure Nicky didn’t see.

"But I feel my anger, but I feel my anger

But I feel my anger, I feel so alone"

As Shane came into the room Nicky had managed to get Kian breathing again. He had scooped Kian into his lap and was frantically trying to get him to wake up.

Shane looked at Mark who was still standing at the door. "Why the feck are you just standing there? Maybe Nicky could use a little help."

Shane walked over to Nicky. Mark thought about it. He didn’t really think Nicky had been in need of help. He’d seen the way he gave the kiss of life to Kian, and he didn’t think Kian had needed anything else right then. A bit like Sleeping Beauty.

Shane placed his hand on Nicky’s shoulder. "Come on Nix, he’s not gonna wake up…"

"Tell me he won’t die."

"Nicky I can’t-"

"Say it Shane, just say it!" He broke down completely, his tears dripping down on Kian’s face.

Shane found a tissue and wiped Nicky’s tears. "Shhhh… come on. He’s still alive, but you’ll drown him with your tears." Nicky gave a weak smile.

Later the four lads were sat in a hospital waiting room. Mark and Bryan were cuddled together in a corner, worried looks on their faces. Mark was resting against Bryan’s chest, and Bryan was stroking Mark’s hair.

Nicky sat on a chair thinking about how much Kian meant to him. Just the thought of loosing Kian made him feel lonely. Shane was pacing up and down the room.

"For fuck’s sake Shane, sit down. My nerves are gonna jump out of my body at any second!"

"Sorry Nix." Shane sat down, but he was still twiddling with his ring, a sure sign he was nervous. But then, his child hood friend was fighting for his life. And he had lost count on how long it had been since they came in.

A while later a doctor finally arrived. Kian had woken up. They would be able to see him, but not more than two at a time, and not for long. Everyone looked at Nicky.

"You need to talk to him… alone." Shane said. Nicky nodded and followed the doctor.

"But I feel my anger, I’m so unstable

And I want to hold back, but I’m just not able

So I found redemption in a long white bottle

Could it be I’m desperate? When it keeps me calm…

Until I wake"

Nicky was quite nervous when he entered the little cubicle. Kian looked pale, and there were so many machines Nicky almost doubted that Kian really was alive for himself.

Kian turned his head as he heard Nicky enter. His lips curved into a weak smile.

"Hi…" Nicky said with a smile. Kian motioned for him to come over, and he did. He took Kian’s hand and carefully sat down on the side of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Nicky asked.

"Crap." Kian said, the smile still fighting to break out. Nicky nodded, his eyes focusing on some point in the distance as he fell silent.

"Nicky?"

Nicky looked at Kian.

"I’m sorry…"

Nicky smiled. "Apology accepted."

"Will you give me a second chance?"

By now, Nicky was grinning. "Let’s see…. Hmmm… naaaa…. Of course ya deutz!’"

The smile on Kian’s lips finally managed to break free. "Thanx."

Nicky bent down and gave him a soft kiss. "I love you Kian. Promise me you won’t ever do anything like this again."

The shine came back into Kian’s eyes, "I won’t as long as you’re here with me. I love you Nicky."

The doctor came in and announced their time was up, Kian would need to rest. A cheeky glow filled Nicky’s eyes as he gave Kian a quick good bye kiss.

"You heard him, get your rest. You’ll need it for when you get you of here."

Kian laughed slightly. "I’m sure I will..."

"Until I wake, until I wake"