"I can't be responsible
For anything I do now or say now
I get too excitable
To control the way I behave now"

I look at Nicky as he sits down on the bed on the other side of the room. I had a nasty run- in with Shane this morning, and now he refuses to share with me. To prove how mad he is, he told me he’d rather share with Bryan than with me, and I believe he gave me a harsher punishment than he meant to.

"I'm afraid of what I'll do
If I find myself alone with you
It's just a crime of passion baby"

I know 3 years of hard work hiding my feelings is going to be destroyed tonight. 3 years I’ve fought to keep my world balanced, and now in just one night it will fall apart, I know it will.

You see; Nicky’s so hot. Come on, we all know he is, it’s nothing new. And I want this man. I really want him. But I can’t have him. I can’t and I know I can’t.

"Don't hold it against me
I'm innocent
I'm just out of my mind"

My feelings of hate for Shane strengthen as Nicky slips his sweater over his head. Of course, Shane doesn’t know. I should have told him. If I hadn’t been such a coward, he would have known and he would never be mean enough to let me share with Nicky if he knew. He really is a darling when it comes down to it.

Of course, Shane and Nicky are 'best friends'. I couldn’t tell Shane. What if he told Nicky?

"I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight
I plead insanity"

Nicky looks up. I look away, but I know he caught me. I feel his eyes burning on me for a while, before he continues to undress. Can he guess? Does he hate me now? It’s not my fault he’s so darn sexy!

"All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days
I can't sleep nights"

I watch as his fingers undo the buttons of his shirt. Imagine the very same fingers on my chest… teasing me, making me shiver. I imagine my own hands on his chest, my mouth covering his nipple…. No, STOP! What am I doing? He’s sitting right in front of me for God’s sake!

"I plead insanity
I know that there are rules for this
And I plan to break every one of them"

A breath on my neck makes me look up again. Nicky’s face is inches away from mine – he’s dressed only in boxers. I run my eyes over him as he backs away slightly.

"See anything you like?"

I swallow, hard. "Erm… yeah… I mean… no, no."

His face close in on mine again, his eyes burning mine, searching my soul. "You’re sure…?

Yes. "No." What? Did I just say that?

"I thought so…." His eyes are sparkling. What does he mean? What does he want? Please God forgive me for my sins!

"And if I go too far tonight
Baby you can be my alibi
And if I act irrational
I'm not responsible
For anything that happens here"

Before I know it, his lips cover mine. He tastes better than I could ever have imagined… sweet, soft… Nicky. Yeah, he just tastes like Nicky; I can’t define it any other way.

His hands start fumbling with my shorts, getting it off me his hands seem to be everywhere on my chest as he deepens the kiss hungrily. My head is spinning, I’m losing control. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

"Don't hold it against me
I'm innocent

I'm just out of my mind"

Nicky breaks the kiss and licks his lips. "Mmmm… Loved the starter, now for the main course…" His hands are on my belt. Should I stop him? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. No, I can’t, can I? I want this, don’t I? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. Argh!

"I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days
I can's sleep nights
I plead insanity"

He slips my trousers off… and my boxers. Shuffling back up he steals another kiss.

"You’re so beautiful Ki…." I feel like crying. He just said the one thing I have always wanted to hear him say… well, the second one thing maybe.

He straddles my hips and quite successfully pins me down. I’m so much stronger, and bigger (muscular wise), than him, but he just made me loose all sense of control.

His hands, mouth, and tongue are working wonders on my chest, but I really, really want him to hurry up. I’m quite stuck though; he is sitting firmly on my hips.

He looks up, there’s that twinkle in his eyes again. "Stuck, Ki?"

"Ummmm…." Is all I manage.

He laughs. "What’s that word?"

"Fuck, Nicky, I…!"

He shakes his head. "Nope. The word Ki."

"Please?" That sounded so desperate.

He nods. "Good boy."

"Please!"

He laughs. He’s enjoying this.

"I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight"

He shuffles down, finally releasing me. He reaches out his hands and touches me lightly. My hips react. "Nicky!"

He doesn’t laugh this time. He doesn’t ask me to plead. He simply smiles and bops his head down, taking me into the hot cavern of his mouth. And by God it does not make me feel much better!

"I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you"

This is so much better than in my dreams – well, of course, this is real! In the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder were he learnt those expert skills, but I realise that right now I don’t care.

"Nicky, I’m gonna…."

"Mmmm…" His mouth is full, obviously.

I think it’s the most powerful feeling I’ve ever had as I come. It totally knocks me out of my senses.

He picks me up in his arms and cradles me, making me feel like a baby but I don’t have the strength to say no. And I don’t want to say no anyway. He kisses away the tears that are unconsciously falling.

I start to drift of, exhausted but feeling very happy… and complete. I don’t know what this means, but right now I don’t care. My last thought before I fall asleep is, ‘I’ve got to thank Shane tomorrow…’

"I can’t work days
I can’t sleep nights
I have a fantasy"