“Dear Kian,”

Shane stopped and looked at the page in front of him. “Dear Kian…” He mumbled to himself, then he crumpled up the paper and threw it in the bin. It sounded too clinical, too cold… it didn’t express what he felt as he started his letter.

He picked the pen up again and started on a fresh sheet.

“My dear Kian,”

He looked critically at the page and shook his head. He crumpled uo the second sheet and discarded it in the bin with the other one. Kian wasn’t his at all, that was the point of this letter. He searched in his mind for a good start but couldn’t think of any. “Damn,” he muttered, then decided to just keep it simple.

“Kian,”

Now, what next? Honesty was the key. He started to write, slowly, taking care as he picked the words out carefully.

“I know you may be surprised to hear from me. It has been a long time, too long a time I will admit, and I suppose you were not expecting this. But there is something I really need to say to you, something I should have told you a long time ago.”

He came to a halt. He couldn’t think of the next line. What was it he was trying to tell Kian? He wasn’t even sure himself.

*Since the beginning of time

Since it started to rain

Since I heard you laugh

Since I felt your pain

I was too young, you were much younger

We were afraid of each other's hunger*

Shane chewed on his lip as he thought, then continued.

“You see, Kian, even though I am happy with my marriage and little Peter is possibly the best thing that had ever happened to me, I feel that there is a void in my life. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you? I’m not sure what it is myself, but the thing is, no matter how much I try I can’t fill that void. Kian, I know that there is only one thing - one person - that can fill that void. You.”

Shane stopped abruptly. Now that he saw the words in front of him, they surprised him. Was that really how he felt?

*I have always loved you

There's never been anyone else

I knew you before I knew myself

Oh my baby, I have always loved you*

Shane considered starting over, but then realised that it was nothing else but the truth and continued.

“The thing is, Kian, I love you. I know you have heard all this before, and maybe you won’t believe it, but it’s the truth, Kian, plain and simple. I have loved you since that very first day when we both found shelter underneath the roof of the post office. When you smiled at me and I looked in your eyes, you mesmerised me and I couldn’t help but want to know you better.

“And then, two days later when I found you crying behind the sports hall because that evil Mr McCarron had given you a hiding for forgetting your homework, it wasn’t out of pity that I sat with you. To be honest with you, I just wished I could pull you into my arms and hold you, it was so painful to see the tears rolling down your cheeks. Kian, I swore to myself there and then that I would never let anyone hurt you again.”

Shane stopped again and examined what he had just written, but not for too long as he felt like now he had started, he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of him. His hand was shaking slightly as he continued.

*Since we kissed the first time

Since we slept on the beach

You were too close for comfort

You were too far out of reach

You walked away, I should have held you

Would you have stayed for me to tell you?*

“Kian, do you remember our first kiss? I remember it all, what we were wearing, how warm your body was against mine, how you tasted, how you smelled… it was fantastic! I wanted it to last forever, but forever is a very long time.

“Do you remember our last night together? How we watched the sun set far out on the horizon, how we watched the sea turn from blue, to red, to black. How I held you close and kissed you, how we woke up the next morning and couldn’t remember where we were? I know when you got home your parents found out, Kian, and I know your father gave you a good hiding. You tried to hide it from me, but I know you too well. I just wished I would have made you stay when you came to tell me it was over…”

Wet spots were forming on the sheet and Shane realised that they were his tears.

*I have always loved you

There’s never been anyone else

I knew you before I knew myself

Oh my baby, I have always loved you

Years go by in a matter of days

And though we go separate ways

I never stop dreaming of you

I have always loved you*

“I know what you are thinking, Kian. Ten years, TEN years we spent together in that band and I never told you. The truth is, Kian, I was afraid. I was afraid to hurt you, to hurt myself, to lose you… But now, I have come to realise that all those things are what have happened as a consequence of me not telling you.

“I have it all, Ki, I know I do – the big house, a beautiful wife, a wonderful son (and it’s a daughter we’re expecting – I just know it!)… but I’d give it all Kian, I’d give everything up if I could just spend one more night with you…”

Shane was crying openly now and had to reach for a tissue on his desk to dab his eyes with before he continued.

*And when you call it makes me cry

We never made time for you and I

If I could live it all again

I’d never let it end, I’d still be with you

Oh God, I miss you*

“I miss you so much, Kian. I know you think I’ve just turned into a sentimental old fool, but all those times you have been here and you have cried it hasn’t been because I got married, or because I just became a father, or anything else… it has been because I can’t be with you. It pains me so much every time I see you and I can remember exactly how it felt to hold you, to kiss you, to touch you… but I know that I can never do any of these things again.

“Kian, I’m sorry if I have upset you with this, but I had to put it out in the open, to tell you how I feel. Every single day I feel that if the worst happened tomorrow and I never had the chance to tell you, I would regret it forever. So that’s why I’m writing this letter, because I wanted you to know that no matter what happens, Kian, I will always love you with all my heart.

“All my love,

Shane”

*I have always loved you

There’s never been anyone else

I knew you before I knew myself

Oh my baby, I have always loved you

Years go by in a matter of days

And though we go separate ways

I never stop dreaming of you

I have always love you*