"Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why "

I look at Ashley sitting across from me on the sofa; big tears fill his intense blue eyes and roll down his cheeks. Here we go again. What will I say? What can I say?

Asking him what’s wrong is no point. I know what’s wrong. It’s Dan. No, it’s not Dan as in Dan, it’s Dan and Ashley. Together. It’s not even really Dan at all, it’s Ashley. Or maybe not even Ashley… maybe it’s me. I’ve known it for so long now, known that Ashley doesn’t love Dan. Of course not, he loves me, it couldn’t be easier to figure out if it was written on his forehead.

I think I knew even before he did. I must have. If he had realised when I did, he would never have got together with Dan. No, ‘cause he loved me even before that. I don’t even know if he knows yet. He seems so confused.

Most of the time I don’t think he knows, he just thinks he’s supposed to love Dan. Maybe he thinks he is in love with Dan. What can I do? Say, 'Ashley, break up with Dan. You love me'? Oh, yeah, he’d love that. I’d get the door slammed in my face and a piece of his mind. 'Are you jealous Jacob?!'

"But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return"

I reach over and give him a hug. It seems the only appropriate thing to do, watching him like this could tear my heart out of my body. Poor little Ashley, my Ashley. I’ll never think of him as Dan’s Ashley. Dan doesn’t even love him. All he likes is Ashley’s naïve innocence, what makes Ashley believe that Dan loves him.

He lets out a loud sob and buries his head in my chest, clutching my t-shirt as his body shakes with the forcefulness of his sobs. I rub his back in silence; I daren’t speak in case I would say something I’ll regret later.

I don’t know for how long I sit like that, slowly drowning in Ashley’s floods of tears as I try to calm him down. I feel like killing Dan. I talked to Dan last night and he actually admitted that he doesn’t love Ashley. "But J, he doesn’t love me either anyway, you know."

Well, I could have told him that long ago, but Ashley thinks he loves Dan. Dan is willing to lead Ashley on and let him be heartbroken and confused for a good fuck. For his own personal pleasure. Well, tell me, what does my Ashley get out of it? Love? No. Pleasure? No. Someone to share lonely nights with? No. Well, sometimes maybe. Someone to be there for him when he needs it? No. (Well, me, but I will obviously always be there. Have been since long before Dan came into the picture.)

Everything that fucking Dan gets because he only wants Ashley with him when it suits him. Well, tell you what Dan, Ashley is a human being with feelings too. Of course, he wouldn’t know that. He never saw Ashley cry like this. Well, why? Maybe that’s cause every fucking time he hurts Ashley, Ashley comes to me!

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

Ashley’s sobs slowly die out. He looks up at me with big puppy eyes. "I’m sorry Jake." I must have looked as surprised as I felt cause he explained himself too. "For this… I… I just…"

"‘Ashley, don’t be stupid. It’s all right. Always. We’re friends, remember?"

He smiles at that. "You’re the best friend anyone could ever wish for!"

My little boy is making me blush now. God, I love him. I just don’t wanna make him any more confused than he is. I don’t wanna hurt him. Never ever.

He stands up. "Guess I’d better go."

No, stay. I want him to stay. I just want to tell him but… I can’t. I can’t bring myself to do that to him. I know it would hurt him. So I do it again. I let him go. Watch him walk out that door. Another piece of my heart lost. Soon enough I won’t have any heart left if I fail to say those damned words.

"You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say"

I guess sometimes prayers are answered. You see, the day after I get my chance. Finally. I don’t think Ashley and Dan are aware of my presence as they bring their little argument into our dressing room. Thank God the sofa I’m lying in has it’s back to the door.

"Ashley, don’t be ridiculous, you love someone else! Who is it?" I wince. Dan’s tone towards Ashley is so harsh I could have stormed up and hurled that man across the room. The only reason I don’t do it is out of my curiosity to hear what and if Ashley will answer.

"Ashley, answer me! Look at me when I speak to you!"

A tense silence follow, until a sob cut through the air. I know instinctively that it's Ashley; well, who else could it be? I mean, I can't even imagine Dan crying.

"Dan, I... I..."

"Ashley, just tell me who it is."

I know Ashley hates when people push him to say things. But I still amn't prepared for what happens next.

"It’s none of your fucking business who I love Dan! You don’t even love me. Maybe there’s someone else who actually does love me and I’m starting to come to my senses!"

Dan laughs. "As if anyone could ever love you Ashley. You’re so naïve, still believe in true love and knights in shining armour…" He’s pushing now. Shut up Dan. I bet he’s never seen Ashley angry before.

Ashley’s voice is shaking, with anger, as he speaks again. "Jacob does. I never thought I’d love him, but I think I do. I think I could. More than I’d ever be able to love you, anyway."

Dan doesn’t answer. Is he speechless? Maybe he’s just thinking of the most hurtful thing to say to Ashley?

"Ok Ash, if that’s what you want it’s over. Just don’t come running back when you realise he doesn’t actually love you." The door slams.

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

I lay still for a while, wondering if they both left, until a sob cut through the air. Ashley. I sit up slowly.

Ashley is sat in a corner, head buried in his arms, crying bitterly. I carefully get off the sofa and go to sit beside him.

"Ash?"

He looks up, obviously surprised at my presence. "Jacob? I didn’t hear you come in."

Obviously he didn’t. I suppose it’s time for show and tell. "I was here before you."

His eyes widen with realisation. He knows I know. What’s he going to do about it?

He backs away a little. "I’m sorry Jake. I just-"

Sometimes he’s stupid. Were all those hints wasted on him? I embrace him carefully. "It’s all right Ash. Just don’t cry over him. He isn’t worth it."

"But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for"

We sit in silence for a while. Yes, even Ashley is quiet now. Is he still confused? I am. I don’t know whether to kiss him limp and drained or leave him to think. His hold on my T-shirt tells me to do neither and just stay there, silent, waiting for him to make a move. What does he want?

Ashley finally moves with a little sigh. He’s looking up at me. His eyes are filled with so many different emotions they make me dizzy. Or is it just that they are hypnotising?

"Jacob?" He says finally. Yes babe, talk to me. No, don’t talk to me, just kiss me. I love you.

"Yes?" Sometimes your mouth really betrays your mind.

"I’m scared." What? What the heck is wrong with him now? I mean, he shouldn’t be sitting here with me and be scared. Sometimes he confuses me.

"Of what?" I almost have to bite my tongue as to not call him babe out loud. It’s just the way he looks, so small and lost, you just want to mother him. Or father him, in my case.

"You… no, not you as in you just… no hang on I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of us. I mean, it’s all this crap with Dan and… I’m just scared. I’m scared of my feelings I think. I mean I know. I mean, it feels like it anyway. I’m scared of love. At least with Dan. But with you too, cause Dan hurt me, and… you could too. I don’t think you would though. I mean, deep down I know you wouldn’t, but I’m still scared."

Hang on, slow down! Now he’s really confusing me. I lost him somewhere in between Dan and love. What’s he trying to say? Is he scared of Dan or me? Both? Maybe he’s only scared of himself? God, he’s making me exhausted. I gotta make him stop talking. I got to, but how?

I only see one way out. My head is screaming no but my whole being wants and needs it so badly. I lean forward and place my lips on his. He tenses under me.

For a moment I think he’s going to push me away. I’m sure that what I did was definitely wrong. I shouldn’t have kissed him. But then he starts to respond, kiss me back, and I really believe I did the right thing. At least it shut him up!

"Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return"

Ashley’s eyes are the most amazing blue colour as I pull away. I can’t really tell what he’s thinking, but he looks satisfied. Did he like it? Maybe I reminded him of Dan. Oh, no, please don’t let that be the case!

He is just sitting there looking at me; it’s so unnerving. "Ash?"

"Jake, I… I, I don’t know. It’s just… I still have those feelings for Dan, but I have other feelings for you, and… I don’t know which one is love." Ok, so now I’ve got to help Ashley understand his feelings. Maybe I can manipulate him into seeing that he loves me? No. No, that wouldn’t be fair.

I reach out my hand and touch his face. Maybe I’m hoping he’ll feel the way I feel right then. "Ash, we could just try and see. If you want Dan then… then I don’t know if you can still get him back, but we don’t have to stay together. Maybe we could go for dinner or something, just see what you feel?" Darn, I never knew I was so sensible. Jacob Underwood, agony uncle, expert at solving love problems. Oh, yeah.

He looks at me. I still can not tell what’s going through the boys mind. Then he laughs slightly. What was so funny? This was just serious, wasn’t it? He just cried over it and now he’s laughing? Maybe I’d better step aside. Could I ever trust my heart to a man that’s this exhausting?

"Jacob, I dunno. I mean, you and me going for dinner… what will we talk about? We already know everything about each other!"

I look at him. "Maybe we don’t Ash. Maybe if we go we’ll realise there’s lots of things we have yet to learn. Maybe if we go you’ll know if you love me or Dan. Or, maybe you’ll realise you don’t love any of us."

"I still don’t know Jake. You’re like my big brother. Maybe it would feel weird?"

"Maybe you should stop worrying and see. It could never hurt anyone, could it?"

He nods slowly. "Ok, let’s do it." Oh, Ashley, I love you. I’m already starting to plan dinner for tomorrow. I’m going to make him forget Dan Miller was ever part of his life. Believe me, tomorrow night he’ll be all mine, and I’ll be all his. I will be the only man in Ashley Angel’s life. Oh yes.

"I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know "