Ad
HEY!
My man.
Is suburban life getting you down? Are the day-to-day toils of the domestic runaround making you feel like a robot – like less of a MAN and more like a… stay at home dad?
Well…
NOT ANY MORE!
With THIS:
THE Acme FOUR-IN-ONE Manliness Kit!
Contained in this once-in-a-lifetime TV offer are four items every REAL MAN simply CANNOT GO WITHOUT!
First, is that moron next door raking his leaves on your yard again? Did his snotty little brats dress the mailbox up in a toilet-paper wedding gown? Have you HAD IT UP TO HERE with that?! Put that self-absorbed jackass in his place with our first product:
A GENUINE Smith and Wesson Three-Fifty-Seven Magnum!
This sleek revolver-style pistol comes in shining silver, matte black – reflective or flat – or popular gunmetal gray, with two choices of handles: classic wood or black plastic, and is guaranteed* to make the targets urinate on sight!
You’ll want the neighbors to hear when you blow a hole the size of a Chihuahua in that smug bastard’s chest!
Order now and receive a FREE speed-loader with complimentary box of Remmington hollow-point fragmentation rounds. Be the MAN with the BIGGEST GUN on your block today!
(*Product does not induce urination.)
(Warning: This advertisement does not condone murder. Murder is illegal, and is punishable by fines, imprisonment, life imprisonment, and the death penalty. Owning a firearm without a firearms license is illegal and punishable by fine and imprisonment. Acme Inc. does not assume responsibly for anyone injured or killed by this product, or for the cost of any litigation related to this product.)
Now that the puppy next door knows who the BIG DOG in town is, why not show EVERYONE?
Live that dream today with the next part of the Acme FOUR –IN-ONE Manliness Kit: a new motorcycle!
This hog will be your throne as you tear through town. Everyone will see you thanks to the patented Acme Inc. 100% Sunlight-Reflective paint finish! This high-gloss coating will cause retinal damage or your money back! And who wouldn’t want the bike heard ‘round the block? This ASS-KICKER is equipped with a 500-decible dual exhaust system loud enough to be heard from one-quarter mile away! It even drowns out police sirens, ambulance sirens, and fire truck signals, so you can enjoy the smooth ride undisturbed. And after all, guys, what you don’t know can’t hurt you, right?
Now, Acme Inc. UNDERSTANDS that times are hard, and money is tight. That’s why this motorcycle, manufactured in Korea by Hyundai, is mocked up to look EXACTLY like a HARLEY-DAVIDSON! It’s economic and good on gas, and the neighbors will never know the difference!
Turn your sweater vest into a leather vest and ORDER TODAY!
(Warning: Motorcycles are extremely dangerous and should not be ridden without experience, and require a special license. Acme Inc. does not assume responsibility for anyone killed, injured, maimed, mauled, scraped, bruised, burned, given a concussion, deafened, or blinded as a result of using this product.)
But what about the domestic, the TAMER, side of life? What about the neighbors and the people down the street? What’s a MAN to do when he finds himself stuck at those dinner parties, where the wives get together and talk about what kind of mess the Ugly Betty down the street has made out of her face this time? Take center stage at the party with this:
Notable Quotes Volume 3!
Remember all of those boring literature classes you had to take on the way to that Business degree? Now you’ll never need to think of them again with Notable Quotes Volume 3! This handy, pocket-sized guide has all of the greats: Robert Frost, William Blake, Dante, Walt Whitman, and Nicholas Sparks, to name a few!
You’ll never need to think of those useless classes again with Notable Quotes Volume 3! It’s wisdom without the wank! Order now and be the SCHOLARLY MAN the neighbor’s wives want to sleep with TODAY!
(Note: This product does not get you laid. Acme Inc. does not assume financial or legal responsibility for cases related to adultery or child support linked to this product.)
Finally, we here at Acme Inc. understand that you are entering your Autumn years, and you aren’t a spry as you used to be. The wear-and-tear of the suburbs has taken a lot out of you, and when those intimate moments with the wife come around, who’s to say you’ll be up for the occasion?
Well
End flabby embarrassment today with our final product: SEX DRIVE ENERGY DRINK!
SEX DRIVE ENERGY DRINK! Is a caffeinated, carbonated, caramelized, concoction that contains of two hundred grams of sugar, electrolytes, taurine, protein, creatine and THREE doses of VIAGRA! Each package of SEX DRIVE ENERGY DRINK! Contains six forty-ounce cans and comes in three flavors: classic chocolate, smooth vanilla, and steak!
Your wife will never look at the gardener or the pool boy again when you’ve got SEX DRIVE ENERGY DRINK! And she can have you for six hours at a time! Order now and receive the SEX DRIVE ENRGY DRINK! Sampler: a free six-pack with two of each flavor. And don’t worry guys, these orders are confidential!*
(Warning: Caffeine and Viagra should not be taken together. Taking caffeine and Viagra together is very dangerous and this advertisement does not condone such actions, and Acme Inc. does not hold responsibility for anyone injured or killed as a result of using this product, or medical expenses related to a six-hour erection. Billing and shipping information will appear on your credit card statement under the label SEX DRIVE ENERGY DRINK! And will also appear on shipping information.)
So be the MAN WE tell you to be and order the Acme Four-in-One manliness kit TODAY!