At this moment in time, I have
reached a conclusion. The Lord of the Rings movies is bringing the end
of all things down upon us. Those loyal to the books and to Tolkien can
never be looked at the same. Now- we cannot simply use the fact that we
are sadly in love with LOTR to convince those around us that we are obsessive,
pathetic geeks. Instead, we must work ever so much harder to declare our
titles among the superficial movie goers who think that Arwen saved Frodo
after he was stabbed by the Witch King, or that Frodo actually offered
the ring to the Nazgul in Osgiliath. Those of us true fans- we know better,
and we laugh in the face of the incompetent supposed “fans” around us,
many of whom only go to sit and drool over Orlando Bloom.
Therefore, I have come up with a
theory, a plan of sorts. It cannot work as well as it would have at the
very start of this whole LOTR movie mess, but perhaps it could undo just
a little damage. This is how the opening of these movies should have gone
about in the first place.
When the movies opened, anyone who
went to see them must have personally talked to a certified LOTR book geek.
This certified LOTR book geek (here on referred to as a CBG) will test
this person on their knowledge of Tolkien’s books. If it comes to their
attention that perhaps this person did NOT read the books, they will be
sent away and refused admittance to the movies until they can come back
and complete the test to the CBG’s approval. The seeing of the movies without
first reading the books will be punishable by death. Talking about LOTR
in any fan-related way, if you have not read the books will be punishable
by an undetermined amount of years in a prison cell with an insufficient
amount of water, moldy bread, and a prison mate that smells like a decaying
orc.
Also, the reading of The Lord of
the Rings shall be instituted into every school. In fact, there will be
one grade, called “LOTR Grade” which can be in between the eighth grade
and the freshman year of high school, where all students spend an entire
year reading and studying just The Lord of the Rings, although The Hobbit,
The Silmarillion, and various J.R.R. Tolkien based books may also be included
in the curriculum. Throughout the year, students will be “upgraded” to
different levels, based on their knowledge, participation, and overall
obsession with The Lord of the Rings. Each shall begin as a Hobbit, advance
to a Dwarf, then a Man, followed by an Elf, then Maia, next Valar (or Valir),
and finally Ainur. A student only needs to reach Elf status to pass- but
be sure to make it understood that this is only barely satisfactory and
very disappointing on a whole.
After this has been put in effect
for awhile, and the world on a whole is used to it, a large group of The
Lord of the Rings fans, mainly CBGs, will break away from their countries
and travel to New Zealand. We will then wander aimlessly for a few months,
until we finally find a location perfect for our new goal... creating a
country of just original LOTR fans. Now, once we have established our new
country (it will be built by LOTR movie worker people... and they shall
build it for us, for they know that if they don’t we will take our LOTR
books and torture them slowly by bonking them over the head and kicking
them until they cry for mercy), we will kidnap Viggo Mortensen and crown
him as our King, simply because he ain’t too bad looking for a forty year
old, and also because he seems to be much like Aragorn, in and outside
of character. And that’s just cool. Once we have fought him into submission
(for he will seemingly be in charge, but really, the originally group of
CBGs, led by me of course, and yes, you too, Jueli, for I am sure you will
read this eventually, well- we will all be in charge of him, overall),
we will establish a line of Kings to come after him. More than likely it
will begin with his son, as it is that his son was a book fan before the
movies came out, and is responsible for giving King Viggo that push out
the door that he needed (sounds like Gandalf now, ne?). After the CBGs
question him and find him acceptable, he will be forced to marry. We don’t
want our King and son to die of strange causes and be left with the mayhem
of no leaders, now do we? But in the case that happens- a system of Stewards
shall be set up. As the leader of the CBG, I believe that I should be first
in line. Followed by the Vice President of the CBG, which is, of course,
Jueli. It may continue down that line, although I doubt that we shall ALL
be mysteriously killed, unless a certain unnamed party (ahem, Jesse), comes
into play in a desperate struggle for power.
Our kingdom, henceforth known as
“Neo Middle-Earth” will go on quietly for awhile, in secret, so that New
Zealand has no reason to fear being overtaken by obsessive geeks who seem
to believe that they have created a new, separate “country.” After awhile,
they will discover us, but decide that we seem too much like a cult, and
retreat in their fear. Of course, this belief is entirely false, for we
celebrate Christmas (Tolkien was a devoted Christian... how could the people
of Neo Middle-Earth be anything else?), but we do not use the commercial
views such as Santa Claus. Simply for the reason- what does Santa have
to do with The Lord of the Rings? No- Neo Middle-Earthians will celebrate
the true meaning of Christmas... unless we all get bored and decide we
need an old man giving out presents to spice it up. Then we’ll tell all
of our children that every year the ghost of Gandalf comes dressed in a
red suit with a ridiculous looking wizard hat and gives them presents.
Tolkien would be so proud. Neo Middle-Earthians will also celebrate many
other holidays, including, the New Year (obviously taking place on March
25... when else?), the celebration of Tolkien’s birthday, the celebration
of all of the Fellowship’s birthdays, and March 13, which is when we shall
all walk around wearing shirts that say, “Frodo Lives.” That brings up
the matter of clothing. Most Neo Middle-Earthians shall wear clothes much
like the Elves would have worn- and robes will be quite in fashion. However,
what the rest of the world may deem “regular” clothes are permitable, as
long as they are not worn so much that they disrupt the beauty of a Tolkien
derived country- dedicated to all that once was... Er- all that should
have once been, but was never actually a part of our history (NO!!! I REFUSE
TO BELIEVE THAT!)...
Lastly- there is the matter of technology.
Technology may be used- for Tolkien never said that he did not like technology-
just the overabundance of technology being used to destroy nature.
Most things, however, will keep a basic, “Middle-Earth” feel to them- not
an insane chaotic high-tech feel. If you want that, go move to New York
City, you CBG Poser. Also- any children born in Neo Middle-Earth who feel
the need to be rebellious can be kicked out, forced to never set foot within
Neo Middle-Earth until they have proved their loyalty. We don’t want any
uprisings against us, now do we? Also- non Neo Middle-Earthians that have
absolutely no knowledge of LOTR entering our domain is a very high crime.
They will be questioned (guilty until proven innocent), and if they are
simply an unaware traveler who is scared out of their wits by all of us
insane people dressed in robes with long braided hair and the strangest
ways of speech that they’ve ever heard, they will be set free, but warned
never to return until they have much more knowledge on our beloved LOTR.
If- however, they are found to be spies of New Zealand, or some other paranoid
country that is afraid that we have a military might hidden somewhere and
our ready to overtake them the second we have the strength, the punishment
will be death. Mwahahaha.
And this, my friends, is the world
as it should be.