Muse
...musing since January 18, 2004
the stupid yuki poem
9.06.04
I will, most undoubtedly wake up from this dream in fear
And pain, and tears, and sweat
And everything else that comes along with this road which we travel
At night, alone, just us two
Because in dreams, I can’t hurt you any worse than you can hurt me
And I can forget the wound I killed you with
Just like you can forget the scars you left me to live with.
However, I will still awaken when this dream is over
When we have played out our course, set our strategies up and watched them come crumbling down.
Then, I will open my eyes and stare at the ceiling for a few hours
Longing after the elusive feel of your fingertips
While I listen to the breath of another, one more alive
Smiling behind closed eyes, even while he dreams.
He smiles, when he dreams
Because you are not there.
You do not torment him with words and memories
With phrases, and touches
You cannot haunt him, because you are not inside his head.
You are inside my head, and you refuse to go away.
He will smile, even when he awakens
And then maybe he’ll even laugh.
Tell me about his dream, and the randomness it reminds him of
I’ll pretend I don’t care, but I’ll know that I do
Maybe he’ll even know, as well.
He’s not really as stupid as he looks, sometimes.
Then perhaps my day will play out in foretold fashion
As I became enamored by the glow of a fantasy world again
Drowning within its sphere, if only for a moment
Finger movements like a synchronized dance
Overtake, and breathe nothing into me.
But I’ll awaken, from that state of lesser life
With strong arms around my neck, and his laughter on my lips
Figuratively, literally, either way you look at it
He’s still just as annoying, unless you shut him up.
I’ve gotten pretty good at shutting him up.
And maybe we’ll eat dinner together, if I’m in a somewhat amiable mood
It’s unlikely I will be, and even if I am I rarely let it show through.
That may be hard for you to believe, since I was so different before
I was always so stupid before, with you.
I guess you taught me how to grow up
Even if it was a little too fast in the end.
And so, the day will end
Most predictably with him in my arms
Talking, he always talks, even in his sleep
It really is the most annoying thing in the world.
I’m in love with the most annoying thing in the world.
When I fall asleep, you’ll be there in my dreams
And I’ll sit down besides you, but I won’t smile like I used to
Every glimpse of you I received, I smiled
Because I was stupid, remember?
And I thought I knew what love was.
And maybe I’ll tell you a few of these things
While you sit and stare at me with an expression so devoid of emotion
That it chills me to the very core.
But you’ll listen, even if you don’t want to
It’s a special love, between the murderer and the killed.
A special love, between the abuser and the abandoned.
You know which one you are.
But, the point, amidst all that I ramble to you
Because I am so much like him, despite my denial
The point will be that I was stupid, and I thought I knew what love was.
But you are not love.
Love is not a smile
One that seems so open, so kind
But disappears with the slightest bit of anger
To be replaced by a cold hatred
Which was kept dormant
Beneath the smile.
Love is not a taste
Of what one only dreams of having
Of what lingers in dreams and suppressed memories
But is so much colder in the reality
So much emptier, so much more imagined
Beneath the smile.
Love is not you.
And love is not me.
Because love cannot be sold
For ten dollars.
Love is a smile
Opened to the extent of the soul
And flowing over, brimming over
With the stupidity, so often called ‘innocence.’
Love is a taste
Of what one only dreams of being
Of what reality can be, after the shadows are scraped away
And the taste of fresh air
That first, free taste
Of stupidity, so often called ‘innocence.’
Love is not you
And love is not me.
Because love is forgetting the pain
And moving on, beneath a smile
You could never forget the pain beneath a smile.
But he loves me.
I know you don’t care and I’m not really sure I want you to
And that doesn’t matter.
Because he simply loves me.
For the lies, and the days I ignore him
For the tears, and the days I ignore him
For the pain, and the days I ignore him
All at your expense.
I’m afraid of love.
My love for you was sold for ten dollars.
Does it make you happy?
And I’m in love with the world’s biggest idiot.
He burns my food, and he loses my cigarettes, and he spends my money
He takes all the sheets, and he tosses and turns, and he talks in his sleep
He always sings in the shower, and he cries every day, and he never shuts up, even when he’s angry.
I love him anyway.
Because of his stupidity
Better known as ‘innocence.’
<--- fall into my patterened tears... [return]
<---<--- catch me as i fall? [CS]