Author: Liz
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Category: M/L
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Liz is dying....
Distribution: All my stuff is at <A
HREF="http://www.inficad.com/~jlaw/Liz/Liz.htm">Stories
by Liz</A> , and most is at <A
HREF="http://www.geocities.com/area51/neptune/9631/frontpage.html">The
Max and Liz Project.</A> As far as putting it anywhere
else, I think I'm gonna limit it to where they are for now. Sorry
:)
Feedback: Pretty please :)
Author's Notes: Liz's POV. This is just sort of an alternate
universe ending to Sexual Healing. A what if. (As in, if Liz and
Max had actually slept together.)
Wishing
One night.
It was all that we had. All we needed. At least we thought. Even
now, I'm amazed by the things that love can cause. I always
thought myelf pretty level-headed. Usually even thought things
through before I did them. A lot of things changed when he came
into my life.
When he touched me, I wasn't myself anymore. Not Liz Parker,
small town girl, straight-A student who did everything mommy and
daddy told me to. I was Liz Parker, beautiful, sexy, interesting.
After all, I made Max Evans love me.
And somehow, that image that I concocted of myself in my
mind....it justified everything. Every kiss, every caress. Every
wrong thing I did was made right by looking into his eyes.
I never knew just how weak I was until I gave myself to him.
I stare up at the ceiling now, wondering. As I am always
wondering, thinking, analyzing. But now it's not quite so
complicated. More like remembering, whistful rememberance. Yes,
that's what I'll call it. For my own sake.
The way things used to be. Easy? Maybe. But when are easy things
every interesting? Not a time that i can think of....now, at
least. I had Kyle, and my parents, and my grades. The happiness
that always lingered before me, transparent and only illuminated
every so often by the sun that seemed more and more reluctant to
peek out from behind the dark clouds in my life.
Before I had seen my life as they all had. Wonderful. Full of
promise, of love from others and the love inside of me. I guess I
never just looked hard enough.
None of them understood me, they never really saw me. They see me
now. I've made them.
The sheets are wrinkled beneath my back, damp with sweat. I wish
that I could crawl away from here, out of these grimy clothes and
the grimy bed and just take a long, hot bath. Yet I can't make
myself leave. Why is that?
I'd always thought that with Max, I could be strong enough to
overcome anything. Yet another one of my disalusioned fantasies.
What a girl I had been...perhaps still am.
He's sleeping in my chair, a pillow cradled behind his head, a
quilt wrapped around his broad shoulders. I feel tears pricking
at my eyes, although I don't fully understand why. Has it not
really sunk in?
I love him so much. I know that he loves me, even if he's
never told me so. I hope that he knows how I care for him. Right
now, I can't really remember if i ever said it out loud.
What about my parents?
I know that they tried. They tried their hardest to
understand, from the very beginning. Maybe they truly believed
that the person they were seeing was me. If they did, it was my
own fault. After all, I never really told them the truth until
now. Now, when everything comes too late.
I wish desperately to reach out, to stop the hands of time. Just
give me a little more time, and I can make it all okay. Then
maybe I can sleep.
I'm so tired.
I watch him as he sleeps, snoring softly. There's a tiny smile on
his face, and I wonder what he's dreaming about. Me, I hope. I'm
selfish, I know. Yet another thing that most people don't.
I know that all of my wishes come too late. But how was I to know
that this would be the way things would turn out? I always
believed that there would be plenty of time to teach them to love
me, and not the pretend image they had of me. I've waited too
long. I understand that now. Maybe it's the one thing I do truly
understand.
My eyes are growing heavy now, and I find myself remembering once again our night together. In the desert, under the stars. I had always imagined that making love to Max would be the best experience of my life.
But I was wrong.
How could it be, when every day I still had him to love? Being with him that way only made everything else so much more complete. I'm glad at least he'll always have the memory of that night. I wish I could leave him with something more to hold on to. Even as everything is so quickly slipping from my grasp, I'm reaching for something.
Anything.
I don't want to leave him.
Both of us had been so afraid, afraid of the things that could
happen.
Things just like this. Even as he'd held me, and I'd come in his
arms, I could see the constant, nagging fear in his eyes.
I'll never be sorry, though.
When life is so short, there's no room for regret. Another
late lesson I've learned. I'll pass that on to him.
"I love you Max."
It feels so right, even though I wish I could've told him before.
A million times before. And even though he's sleeping, I know
that he'll understand. That's what love's about, isn't it?
"I'll never be sorry."
Yes, I've finally managed to hold on to something. A final
parting gift to him.
"I'll never be sorry."
Twice, just in case.
He'll have his whole lifetime to remember, so why not?
I just hope it will be enough.