Author: Liz

Email: [email protected]

Trust: Small Steps (Part 1: Liz)

The soft silence of the night stood undisturbed by no sound save her misery. Minutes passed, hours passed, yet she could find no solace in any mere thought, or in sleep. He had left her, and in doing so, left her with a broken heart.

Her gaze transfixed on the black sky above her, tearful eyes locked on the stars. His stars, their stars.

The glowing 'V' stood out in her vision, taunted her, a promise of someday, a loss even greater than this.

Her eyes slid shut against the pain, but she could not escape it. She still saw the pictures in the darkness of her mind, his face as he kissed her. As he left her.

Of his home.

"We don't belong together."

Words that stung even now, that pierced her heart.

"Goodbye, Liz."

Not just goodbye tonight. Goodbye forever. Each inch that separated them as he climbed down the latter tore at her, twisted the knife that he'd lodged into her soul.

She raised a hand to wipe her tears, sobbing as she pressed her palms against her eyes.

Touching him, feeling the soft skin of his cheeks, was all she ever wanted. She only wanted him.

He had not even kissed her back.

"I think that's what being in love is."

Liar. All lies. Everything he'd said to her, all of the promises. How could she ever believe anything again? He could not love her, could not be in love with her and hurt her like this.

"If I don't leave now, things are going to change."

But they hadn't changed. It was all still the same. The rejection, the heartbreak. Only now it hurt worse.

She opened her eyes and all she saw was the stars, flashing and burning, burning her.

It never stopped, it would never stop. She knew that it would always hurt just as much, each time she saw him, each time she was close to him but yet never really close. She would never feel him again.

She had been afraid of losing him, of watching him suffer helplessly. Useless. Fear, her doubts, were useless. In the end, she would always lose him. No matter what she did, the end never changed.

If only she could betray her heart, her spirit. She could have helped Micheal. She would still have Max.

Or maybe not. She would never know.

Had Max's love of her been affected so easily?

"I'm just as scared as you are."

Cowards. It's all they were, too afraid to choose their own destiny. To make it work, to defy what was 'meant to be'. They were worth it, their love was worth it. If only she could make him see what she knew.

He was more afraid than she was.

She was, had been, afraid of watching him go. And now, despite that, she had. It had all been for him, never for herself.

But Max….Max was afraid for both of them.

For himself, because he did not want to be hurt. Maybe even a small part of him was afraid of giving in to something he wasn't entirely sure of. Maybe he was afraid of a broken heart. Or maybe he was even afraid that she would not be able to handle it, and that she would in the end endanger him.

Trust. She trusted him completely, but perhaps he did not trust her as much.

She could understand, to a point, why. But wasn't that what love was all about? Giving yourself up to something completely, learning to trust even when you are afraid?

She trusted Max completely. It had no beginning or end; her heart, her soul, rested in his hands.

It hadn't taken much to crush them.

Trust: Small Steps (Part 2: Max)

He dared not move, or make a sound, for fear of breaking the protective shroud of silence that hung around him. The narrow alley between the buildings was dirty and empty, the dank smell of trash and rodents almost overwhelming. It was where he belonged. With the low things, the slimy things of the night.

Anyone who could hurt her deserved such a fate…worse even.

Even from where he crouched in the shadows, he could hear her.

Muffled sounds of pain, sobs, cries of heartbreak…none failed to reach his ears.

He wanted nothing more than to take her pain away, just diminish a small bit of what she felt.

To understand.

He was hurting, but he would never dare to claim as much agony as she.

As much as he had caused her.

Each word that fell from his lips, he had seen as it struck her. Knocking her back, farther away from him.

Hadn't that been his intention?

He doubted everything now…most of all his intentions.

The only one he should have ever had was to keep her happy, to make sure this treasure he had been blessed to behold always shone just as brightly. To make sure that she never knew pain. That she never had to shed a tear. Now all of her tears were because of him.

The thought that he had never deserved her was not a reassurance. He knew she never saw it that way; she loved him completely and had no expectations of him, other than his love in return.

She was so much higher than him, so much more, so much better…but in her eyes, he was as normal as she.

And so if he were to tell her that he was never worthy….she would never understand.

He wasn't sure that he did.

Head raised to the heavens, he wondered if it would be right to pray. Did he deserve God? Would God still listen, care for one who had destroyed one of his angels?

"I love her." His voice a broken whisper.

He did love her, so much that it overwhelmed him. Why had he, then, given it up?

Fear.

It was all he knew, really. All he'd ever known.

Always the fear of being discovered, or caught…of being taken away from everything he knew and plunged into the never-ending darkness of doubt.

Having to run, never to feel safe.

But he did not feel safe without her.

He claimed that she was the reason he was off balance, when in reality she was all that kept him grounded.

And he was afraid of her.

Her perfection, her innocence. She had such intense beauty that it radiated, he could feel it….and it was scary. Could he ever stand up to the expectations that God had when he'd created this perfect being?

Him, being a creature not really of God, a creature so completely different from her but yet the same…

He was afraid of hurting her….of hurting himself. He had been afraid of learning the feeling of a broken heart, and now he knew. He had known since the first tear had fallen from her perfect eyes.

The image would be forever seared on his memory. Innocence shattered.

The simple shape of his home glowed especially bright in his eyes.

But was it really his home? Shouldn't he feel something more, looking at where it had all begun, where he was supposed to belong?

All he felt was remorse, for ever discovering the truth he'd so pined for his entire life.

He didn't want those stars, so many millions of miles away, to be his home. His home was here, in Roswell. Where his heart would always live, wherever his body may be.

The thoughts tortured him, tangled themselves in his mind.

Why? Why did he have to be so helplessly stupid, so confused?

He knew that he loved her….the look in her eyes assured any doubts that she felt the same.

So why had he broken both of their hearts?

Selfishness.

It consumed him, but he had never seen it before. He had chosen not to. He had taken her love, had wrapped it around him safely, had held her heart and taken all she had to give.

And he had left her. Left her tonight, in the darkness, on the rooftop. Yet he still held her heart.

She held his.

That night, the cave, her reluctance, her fear….all had given him excuses. Excuses that he had not realized he was searching for, to back away, to 'take a step back.' He did not need balance, he needed her.

She had been afraid for him, terrified of losing him, but she never thought of herself.

If only he could be so selfless. If only he could learn from her.

The thought of giving himself up finally, of giving in to something he did not entirely understand, placing his life in another's hands completely and having to trust that she would take care of him….terrified him.

But he would learn to trust, he promised himself. He could not give her up. The realizations came too late.

He would make it work, though. He would make it okay.

Love would pull both of them through everything, their love for each other. And their trust.

She had fallen silent on the rooftop, her sobs had died out until he could no longer hear any more.

He could feel her, though, feel her pain as it still radiated from her in great waves.

This time he would do things right. He would learn to love, and trust. The ladder seemed shorter than ever as he climbed up, up to her and each step bringing him closer to happiness or agony.

"Liz."

She was sleeping, her eyes closed, face strained.

"Liz."

His voice stirred her from sleep, her eyes opened as he saw the tears forming almost immediately.

"Max." Her voice sounded empty. There was no anger, or hurt, just a void.

He cautiously walked towards her, stopping as he stood a few feet away. "I was wrong."

A sob escaped her, sounding almost like a cough, a whimper. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

More tears. He ached to wipe them away, and to take away her pain.

"Me too."

He closed more space between them. "Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong, Liz."

She lowered her head.

"I love you." Every ounce of emotion he'd ever felt poured out with those words.

She looked up at him, her eyes still shining with tears. "You…do?"

"Yeah."

She wiped her eyes as more fell. "What about…being off balance?"

"Only without you, Liz."

And finally she smiled, a small smile that only turned the corners of her mouth but filled him with more hope than he'd ever known. "I love you too."

His turn to smile. He wanted to hold her.

"So….does this mean we're taking a step forward?"

He drew closer to her, close enough that he reached out and touched her face. Answering her question almost with no words. "Small steps."

She stood from her seat, closing the rest of the space between them, pressing herself tightly against him.

Raising her face until they were only inches apart. "Okay."

Her lips meeting his, softly at first but then passionate, demanding.

This time, he kissed her back.

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