Author: Joy aka jb
Email: [email protected]
Summary: Liz ponders her relationship with Max, and her decision regarding this relationship, songfic
Spoilers: All eps up to and including Independence Day
Disclaimer: All characters and things Roswell are humbly borrowed without permission, as is Sarah McLachlan's song, "Do What You Have To Do"
Distribution: Anywhere, just let me know!:)
Dedication: For D, our Dreamgirl :)
I Don't Know How
What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage,
created you a monster, broken by the rules of love and fate has
led you through it, you do what you have to do and fate has led
you through it, you do what you have to do.
I am in a petulant mood as I sit in my chair on the roof,
surrounded by candles and strands of lights. My journal lays
forgotten in my lap, and I gaze at the star-studded sky and think
of him. Usually the words come easily, flowing from my pen and
covering the pages, distilling my thoughts, my feelings, my life,
into some semblance of sense and order. Tonight, however, there
is little I can do to bring order, to bring peace, and this
frustrates me. ‘What has he done to me?' I wonder, just as
quickly chiding myself for even thinking that I could rest all
the blame on him. ‘What have I let him do to me?' is the
more appropriate query, perhaps, but even as I think this, I am
reliving the memories of the past six months, memories of us. I
stare at the heavens, and see his eyes shining back at me as we
dance in a Chinese restaurant, wait in his Jeep for the roadblock
to be lifted, stand by the hideous, recreated site of his crash.
Ruefully I acknowledge that I am a willing participant in this,
and would have it no other way, for this is the way it is meant
to be.
...and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to
let you go...
Everyone would have me think that I, we, everybody, would be
better off if we stayed apart. If he stayed away from me. If I
stayed away from him. I want to point out their hypocrisy in all
this, but I know that it wouldn't make me feel any better. It
wouldn't soothe the aching void within me that longs for him to
return to his rightful place. The place within my heart where he
fits like it was made just for him, only for him. The place he
unwittingly made for himself as he gave his life, and that of his
sister and best friend, for me.
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I'm ever
swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire, the yearning to be
near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do
what I have to do....
It scared me in the beginning, and still does now; these feelings
for him that I've never experienced before, and know will never
be equaled. I'll never forget that we've shared our souls, never
forget what I've seen in his. I held these memories as a talisman
against the fear that I felt as he insisted that we weren't meant
to be together. Against the hurt that I felt when I looked into
his bottomless eyes after our kiss on that stage, where the world
had disappeared, and I knew only him. I looked into his eyes, and
felt the music stop, the fireworks burn out. He apologized for
ruining what had turned out to be one of the most fantastical
nights of my life, and I almost lost hope then. Then I saw again
that heart on my wall, the glow of the lights around us, and
realized that to lose hope would scare me even more.
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to
let you go, I don't know how to let you go....
I couldn't help but laugh when Maria gave her little
"anti-Max" demonstration, for I didn't have the heart
to tell her that it was too late for me. I was already addicted,
and so deeply enthralled in my addiction that I didn't have the
strength, or the will, to fight anymore. It began the moment he
laid his warm, wondrous hands upon my wound, and has shown no
signs of abating ever since.
A glowing ember; burning hot, burning slow, deep within I'm
shaken by the violence of existing for only you. I know I can't
be with you, I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you, I
do what I have to do....
The night he came to me when Michael was leaving, I wanted so
badly to be selfish and make him talk about us, but I knew that
were our positions reversed, he would not press the issue. I
buried that emotion, hard as it was, and told myself that we
would have our time. What was left was my sorrow for him, and I
tried to reassure him, as he leaned against the brick wall
outside my window, heartsick with worry and the fear of losing
part of his family.
When Maria had asked me why I just didn't let him go, there
was only one answer to give. It was as simple, and as integral to
me as breathing. I still feel the same way now as I did in those
cold, dark woods, as my source of life, the centre of my universe
drew further away from me. No matter what happens, it is the only
answer I can ever give.
"I don't want to," I told her.
And I have the sense to recognize but I don't know how to let
you go, I don't know how to let you go, I don't know how to let
you go.
My journal has yet to be opened, and it will remain so for
tonight. I have found my order, my peace that I sought, in the
realization that I have come to while I lost myself in the stars,
in thoughts of him. I have no desire of letting him go, nor do I
have the means to do it. So, I won't.
Completed February 28, revised February 29, 2000, by Joy