Hey! This is my first attempt at a MiSTing, so *anything* will be appreciated! Feel free to flame, but please send some marshmallows to roast along with. BTW: Mike, Tom, Crow, Cambot, Gypsy, The Forrester's, and any other character I forgot to mention belong to "Best Brains Inc." And I must thank them for giving those bad movies what they deserve! All the X-Files Characters belong to Chris Carter and 10-(I made this!)13 productions! (To avoid legal stuff: "I made this!" also belongs to 10-13, and was a JOKE. I didn't mean it!) Rating: R (for launguage and some heavy innuendo.) H (humor) and S (stupid, silly, ect...;-) Summary: I plea the fifth! Send comments to: issaquah@mailexcite.com (MiSTing author: Happy ) Check www.thex-philes.org/funnyfic for the origional author. (YouKneek.) The origional story belongs to YouKneek. (The sounds of a computer game fill the air. Including heavy metal music.) Mike, Tom and Crow are all at computers completely oblivious to what is going on. They are playing a multi-player game. Mike hits a button rappidly. CROW: Crap!! TOM: (snickers to himself) (Comercial Sign) They continue to sit and play.... (Comercials: Star Wars Ep:1! All those annoying 10-10 numbers, this weeks X-Files ep! And TONS of dumb sitcoms.) Still playing. Mike's eyes look red and dry. He has bags under them. (MADS lights) Mike taps the button without glancing up. PEARL: Greetings all!!! Tom is leaning forward in glee as Crow is rapidly hitting button after button. CROW: AH! NONONONO!!!!Get away! Get away! PEARL: I *SAID*....Greetings all!!! MIKE: Could one of you turn down the music I can't hear myself think! TOM: That's the point. PEARL: (so-loud-I-can't-type-big-enough) HEY!!!!!! All look up dumbly. CROW: You say something Pearl? PEARL: Yes I did! I hope you three stooges are done because it's time for your daily dose of fanfic! ALL: (whine things like: Aw! Com'on. A little longer, please? Ect...) PEARL: Nope! I don't want to hear another word. Your fanfic today will be...(looks off screen) an X-Files fic written by: YouKneek. MIKE: Unique? Their name is Unique? PEARL: No, it's YouKneek. And don't try to get off the subject! Here it comes boys; ready or not! ALL: We've got X-Files SIIIIGGGNNNN!!!!! (general panic.) (Pick a door sequence, any door sequence.) >Sorry people, but I had to make a slight correction to the first >version of this. The fibbie by the elevator is named Colton not >Carter. That's the only change.... CROW: (as author) Seeing as they took all of my money in the lawsuite INCLUDING my change. >Authors note: After all the angst of Better Forgotten, TOM: It *is* better forgotten. > I thought >I'd try something lighter. Flame away, ALL: Thank you. We will!!! >I'm just having fun. TOM: Too bad we aren't. >DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. MIKE: I hope.... > Any resemblance to actual >people, other than names and minor physical details is >coincidental. CROW: (coughs) > Profuse apologies... TOM: That's 'cause appology is policy. > to all the fine people who work so >hard to bring us X-files for any liberties I've taken with their >good characters. CROW: What did they do? Leave Cancerman and all the other bad guys behind??? > As someone famous once said....."I can resist... ALL: Resistance is futile! >anything but temptation." TOM: Ha! >I have no idea how this should be rated - S for Stupid maybe? MIKE: Finally someone admits it! >There are a few four letter words so be forewarned. CROW: Words like...MFFT! (Mike's hand shoots over and grabs Crow's beak.) MIKE: We won't be sinking to that level Crow. >Copyright 1995 TOM: Copyleft. CROW: Copywrong. >This story is based on the characters created by Chris Carter, MIKE: (as sports anouncer guy) He's at the 40...the 30....the 20... ALL: HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!!!! >Ten >Thirteen Productions ALL: (mutter things like: Oops, sorry, my mistake...) >and Fox Broadcasting. Used without permission TOM: They all are. So? >and no infringement is intended. The rest of the story is the >byproduct of my own twisted imagination. MIKE: At least they warn us! > Send it ricocheting >around the net for... ALL: (make those ricocheting cartoon noises.) Booinggg! Katching! Petooo! > all I care, just don't charge any money for it >or publish it without my permission. ALL: Gotcha!!! >The Round File (Part 1 of ?) CROW: Part 1 of ?!!!! Great. Just great! > - Version 2 >by YouKneek (AKA - rodent) >"Gillian. David. Hurry up! We're going to try this one last time >and then we're out of here." ALL: Yayyyy!!!!! >"Sure, that's what you said two hours ago," muttered David CROW: Hold on a sec. I thought this was an X-Files fic. TOM: It is! I think.... MIKE: This is different. >stomping >into the elevator as he pulled on the blue suitcoat. "Can we >please do this right just one time? I want to go home." MIKE: Yeah, well so do I! >Knowing that she was at least partly to blame for his frustration, >having screwed up her lines on the last take, > Gillian hurried to >join him in the elevator with an apologetic smile. TOM: (as David mumbling) Yeah, smile while you can... > He sighed, >realizing she was probably just as sick of the set as he was at >this point and joked, "Once more into the breach..." MIKE: Okay. I get it. So they are like, *filming* the X-Files. CROW: This *is* different. >"OK people," shouted the director, relieved that his two stars >were >still talking to each other MIKE: At least they weren't talking to themselves. >"let's finish this up. Remember >Gillian, when the doors open you guys walk straight out as you >turn >to David and say, 'OK Mulder, MIKE: (as David) Mulder? Why do you keep calling me Mulder? TOM: (as Director) Cut! > I'll buy that, but just what makes >you think this is an X-File?' Got it?" CROW: Well, it could be the big X on the folder, but... TOM: .........That was sad Crow. Really sad. CROW: I know. Sorry. >"Got it," she confirmed wondering how she could have screwed >up >such a simple line. As the director called "Action!" she reached MIKE: ...out with the force. >over and pushed the button to close the elevator door. >"What the hell???" CROW: (clears throat...) What...the...beep! TOM: Ooh, censored!! CROW: Man...Mike, did you *have* to turn the censor-thingy on? MIKE: Sorry, but I want to keep this one clean. >cried David as the elevator was suddenly bathed... MIKE: Rinsed, and dried. >...in a blinding blue light. "Isn't anything going to go right >today?" CROW: I dunno, what's the matter with left? TOM: Or wrong? MIKE: That's kind of obvious Tom. TOM: Sorry. >"It's ok, David," said Gillian as the lighting returned to normal, >"the door's still closed. Do you need a minute to get ready >before >I push the button?" ALL: (pause for a long moment.) MIKE: Push the button, Gillian. 'BOTS: (sigh) TOM: I knew *somebody* was going to say it! >"No, go ahead," he replied double checking to make sure he was >still on his marks. TOM: Get sssettttt, GO! >Gillian pushed the button CROW: Okay, she pushed the button. We can go... (All get up to leave) PEARL: (offstage) Not so fast guys! (All plop back into their seats muttering.) > and as the doors opened she and David >started walking out. "OK Mulder, I'll buy that, but just what >makes you think this is an X-File?" she said turning to look up at >him. >"Shit!", ALL: Where? > screamed David, "Where the hell are the cameras? I don't >believe this." CROW: Yeesh! These actors are *so* uptight these days. >Gillian looked around and realized that not only were there no >cameras but the entire crew seemed to have disappeared. Even >stranger, she had no idea where they were. MIKE: That's probably why she never drives on the show. CROW: Yeah, she walks into a fake elevator and comes out lost. > The warehouse, all the >stage lights and the makeshift set were gone. MIKE: (as Magician) And they're GONE! > Instead they were in >a busy office, crowded with desks and people, most of whom TOM: Where reading "Dilbert" cartoons off the internet. >were >staring at them with open mouths. >"Looks like old Spooky's finally losing it," muttered the tall, >dark-haired guy standing closest to the elevator. "Watch your >language, Mulder. I think that's a lady standing next to you." CROW: HEY! Don't insult Scully like that! TOM: Crow, that's Gillian Anderson. CROW: Sorry....HEY! Don't insult... MIKE: We get the idea Crow. >"What the hell? Who is this guy? Will somebody please tell me >what is going on? Chris, wherever you are, this isn't funny," MIKE: (as pouting 5yr old) It's *not* funny! >yelled David pushing past the man who was now blocking his >path. >Gillian continued to stand where she was, trying desperately to >get >her bearings. TOM: (snickers) Her ball bearings? CROW: Hi, I...AHHHH! (makes crashing sound.) > She had no more idea than David as to what was going >on but if this was one of Chris Carter's famous jokes... MIKE: Can't be that famous. *We've* never heard of 'em. TOM: Well, now you have. > he'd gone all >out on it. It looked like there were close to twenty extras in the >room. Even for Chris though, it seemed like an odd time to pull >a TOM: Leg? CROW: Chain? >prank. He knew how cranky everyone was by Friday afternoon. CROW: They all needed their naps. >"What's all the yelling about?" ALL: Huh? TOM: The last paragraph was "thinking". CROW: Maybe he's telepathic. MIKE: *He*? >"At last, a familiar voice," thought Gillian wondering what Mitch >was doing here. MIKE: Stop me if I'm wrong. But doesn't he play Skinnner? Good job Crow! TOM: Ah, he read ahead. CROW: Did not! > The situation between David and the idiot in the >suit TOM: Sounds like a movie or something. CROW: Yeah, David and the Idiot in the Suit > was deteriorating rapidly. "David," she whispered pulling him MIKE: ...apart. >away from the shoving match, "here comes Mitch. Maybe he >knows >what's going on." MIKE: Depends on if he's met with Cancerman lately. CROW: Mitch! Not Skinnner. Big difference. MIKE: Maybe not as big a difference as you think. TOM: Well, he doesn't think that much anyway so... CROW: Hey! >David turned to see Mitch striding towards them looking >extremely >irritated. "Mitch, what's going on? I thought you left hours ago. >Where is everybody?" >Mitch stopped suddenly and looked behind him as if to figure >out TOM: If a train leaves Denver at 4:00pm going 50mph and *another* train leaves.... >who David was talking to. Finding no one there he turned back to >David, fixing him with a steely glare. CROW: (as David) AHHHH! My eyes!!!! My head!!!! TOM: Huh? CROW: Steely glare, get it? You know, steel....uh..oh forget it. > "In my office...both of >you!" he barked MIKE: Bad Mitch! No bark!! > turning on his heel and striding back down the row >of desks. >"In his what???" asked David turning to look at Gillian with a >totally befuddled expression on his face. TOM: Office. Ya know, that place where you go to work everyday. >"NOW!" shouted Mitch CROW: You know, earlier he was wanting to know what all the shouting was about... > realizing that they were still standing by the >elevator. >"Now you're gonna get it," chanted the guy in the suit who was TOM: ...sticking his tongue out at them. >really starting to irritate Gillian. Seeing that David was ready >to belt the guy, MIKE: Yeah, well he's not the only one who wants to. > she quickly grabbed his arm and yanked, indicating >they should follow Mitch. >"Do I know that guy?" asked David reluctantly following her. "He >looks really familiar. I think he was on the show last season. >What a jerk!" >"Let it go, David," Gillian whispered noticing that everyone was TOM: Still reading "Dilbert". >still looking at them. "Let's just go see what Mitch is up to and >figure out where we are." CROW: An office building of somesort? >"I'll go see Mitch alright but if Chris thinks I'm going to go back TOM: To the Future? >and shoot that stupid scene one more time after he pulls a stunt >like this he can forget it. I'm going home," he declared as they >came to a stop at a door marked "Walter S. Skinner, Assistant >Director." MIKE: Anybody know his middle name? TOM: Does Assistant Director mean he helps film the show? >"This is getting ridiculous," said Gillian opening the door. "I >can't believe Chris paid to build this set just for some stupid >joke. The pencil pushers at corporate are going to kill him." MIKE: Yeah, they'll " 'Push' him around". TOM: That was bad. MIKE: Well, I often wondered why the "Pusher" didn't have that song playing in his aptartment or something. >"Shut the door," snapped Mitch CROW: (sighs and shakes his head) I knew he would one of these days. I just didn't think it'd be so soon. >still glaring at both of them. >"What do you mean by that display out there, Mulder. I know you >and Colton have never gotten along but I won't tolerate my >agents >brawling like kids in a schoolyard." MIKE: Do you guys recall a fight? 'BOTS: No. TOM: He shoved him, but...I wouldn't really call it a fight. CROW: Maybe he ment a "cat fight". >"Colton....," said David as if a light bulb had suddenly gone off >in his head, CROW: Making his eyeballs glow like headlights... > "that's who he played but what's his real name? Oh >well, never mind, I'll just make sure that Chris never hires him >again." MIKE: What? Does he now decide who's hired and fired??? >Gillian stared with fascination as Mitch's face got even tenser >and >he started to hyperventilate. TOM: and tenser, and tenser, and.... > He always had a tendency to lose MIKE: At basketball? >himself in his part but this was absurd. Skinner would never >lose MIKE: A baseball game? >his cool this badly. >They both jumped as Mitch slammed the book he'd been >holding down >onto the desk. "Sit down, both of you," he managed to squeeze MIKE: Look out! It's Tooms!!! >out >obviously making an effort to keep control of his temper. CROW: (as if to a horse) Whoa temper, easy boy. Easy... >"Sure," said David gratefully sinking into the closest chair and MIKE: ...drowning. TOM: AHHH!...(blub, blub.) >propping up his long legs on the desk. Gillian took the chair >next TOM: I know he's angry, but does electricuting your agents really help matters any? CROW: Yes. >to him continuing to watch Mitch as he stared at David's legs as >if >he'd never seen them before. CROW: (as Mitch) Why David, I never...mfff! MIKE: (holding Crow's beak shut.) We are NOT going to go there. >"Agent Mulder, get your feet off my desk," he shouted, >surprising >David so much that he almost flipped his chair over backwards. TOM: Ooh, sooo close! > "I >hope you have a good excuse for your behavior and it better not >have anything to do with aliens. MIKE: Weird behavior that has nothing to do with aliens? That'll be the day! > You can start by explaining why ALL: Then who, what, when, where, and how. >the report you were supposed to have filed two hours ago is not >on >my desk?" MIKE: (meakly) My dog ate it, sir. >Looking thoroughly exasperated David pushed his seat back >and >lunged TOM: At Skinner's throat. CROW: (as Skinner) ARRRGGGHHH! > to his feet. "Look Mitch, I don't know what you think >you're doing but if Chris put you up to this I am not amused. MIKE: (that English guy.)I am *not* amused. > Can >the bad acting. I'm not buying it. TOM: It's a scam man!! And I just won't buy it!!! Find some other sucker! > Just tell me where everyone >went or let me get out of here. This has gone way past the joke >stage." CROW: (cracking up) Yeah, it's at the "sound stage". Get it? The *sound*....never mind. >Mitch circled the desk staring at David as if he was a circus MIKE: As if he was a circus? It's either a *really* small circus, or... >freak. He looked down at Gillian and asked, "Agent Scully, how >long has he been like this?" >Gillian smothered a laugh as she replied, "You mean irritable >and >moody? Oh, for as long as I've know him." TOM: I didn't know she answered to "Agent Scully". >David scowled at her. "Very funny, ha, ha." ALL: (canned audience laughter.) >Taking a deep breath Mitch turned back to Gillian, "Agent Scully, >I think you know what I mean. Just what happened up there in >New >Jersey? CROW: Oh, I *hope* we aren't going to get a flashback sequence. > You indicated that wildwoman attacked Agent Mulder but you >didn't say anything about brain damage." MIKE: (as Gillian/Scully) Well sir. I assumed it was obvious. >"OK, two can play at this game," thought Gillian. "Well sir, I'm TOM: ...really an alien. >sorry about the report being late but my laptop battery died and >I >haven't had a chance to replace it. You'll have a full report on TOM: Bigfoot. CROW: Roswell. MIKE: The Civil War. >your desk in the morning. As for Agent Mulder, he's been under >a CROW: ...rock lately and really has no idea what's going on. >lot of stress lately. I'm sure he'll be fine after a good night's >sleep," she concluded kicking David when he started to protest. ALL: You *go* girl! >With relief she noted that David seemed to have taken the hint CROW: Or was ploting his revenge. >and >sat silently as Mitch continued to glare at him. Finally, Mitch >seemed to tire of the whole charade and said with a sigh, "Take >him >home then and see that he goes to bed. CROW: (as Scully) YE..MMMFFFT! MIKE: (masaging his hand) Com'on Crow. I'm tired of doing this! CROW: Then don't! TOM: Yeah, we get a nice non-shippy piece of work and you try to destroy it! CROW: Sorry. > Make sure you go out the >back way or he and Colton will be at it again. I'll expect your >report on my desk first thing Monday morning. You're >dismissed." MIKE: Well, at least he didn't give 'em detention. >With a shrug, David gathered his coat and joined Gillian as she CROW: ...conga danced out the door. TOM: Da, da, da, da, da...DA! >left the room. He started to ask her a question but she just >shook >her head holding a finger to her lips. She practically pushed >him TOM: How do you "practically" push someone? >out the door noticing as she turned to close it that Mitch was MIKE: ...shapeshifting into Counstable Odo. >still watching both of them intently. >"What was that all about?" asked David as soon as the door >closed. >"No wait, don't tell me. Let me guess. We're in a parallel >universe and we have to act the part or we'll never get home." CROW: Ah, ha! I knew it!!! TOM: That's 'cause you're always reading ahead. CROW: Are not! TOM: Are too! MIKE: D2? 'BOTS: Miiiiiike!!!!! >"Of course not," said Gillian. "Don't be ridiculous. It's all a >gag but I figured the quickest way to get out of it was to just >play along. CROW: Okay, so they're Mulder and Scully now? TOM: No, they're David and Gillian. MIKE: No, it's....whatever. Let's just go with it. It will give us plenty of riffable material. > I don't know about you but my husband's expecting TOM: (shocked) He is?!?! >me >home for dinner. Look, there's an elevator." She quickly >pushed TOM: (singing)....him around. CROW: (joins in.) Well, she did. Well, she did. >the down button. > >David stared at the elevator obviously perplexed. "OK, just tell CROW: (german accent)...our nice friend ze doctor vhat happened. >me this. Why do we need to get in an elevator to get out of a >building that only has one story? You know the other one was a >fake." TOM: Umm, hello?! Mr. Alternate Universe person. Remember? >Just at that moment the doors to the elevator opened. Gillian, >having noticed that the actor who played the Colton character >was TOM: ...now a decaying zombie on the hunt for brains. MIKE: I would call that dark, but I think he needs some. CROW: Well, it's not like he'd find any around there *anyway*... >bearing down on them, quickly shoved David inside and pushed MIKE: The button? TOM: (as baby plucky) No, *you* don't push the button, *I* push the button. CROW: We're running seriously low on "pushing" jokes. >the >button marked "1". MIKE: (singing) ...is the loneliest number that you'll ever meet. 'BOTS: Arghhhh! > The doors closed just before the Colton >character reached them. MIKE: That Colton! What a character! >"What is with you?" asked David picking himself up off the floor. TOM: The floor?! Boy! Either she can shove really hard or he has lousy balance! >"And why is this elevator going down?" CROW: Why is the elevator going down?!?! I can't! It's just too easy! >"Don't ask," said Gillian, starting to wonder herself what was TOM: The meaning of life. >going on. "We'll figure it out when we get outside." MIKE: I hope so... >It seemed like forever before the elevator came to a stop and the >doors opened on a large lobby. Gillian hurried out pulling David TOM: ...'s arms out. >with her, and headed for the nearest set of exterior doors. "Oh >good, it's stopped raining," she said pushing open the door. MIKE: She is *really* pushy today. >They both stopped in shock as the heat and humidity hit them. ALL: (make those fake movie fight sounds.) >Scanning from side to side, looking for familiar landmarks, they >turned as one and looked back at the building they'd just exited. CROW: Watching as it toppled onto them... >"Federal Bureau of Investigation, Washington, D.C." was clearly >stamped on the door. MIKE: (salesman) Yes! You too can now have a stamped door for only 33 cents!!! ALL: (are silent for a moment) TOM: That was stupid. MIKE: Well, it was just begging to be used. > In the distance the Washington monument CROW: Toppled and also fell on them. >was >barely visible in the late afternoon haze. Neither of them said >anything for several minutes. MIKE: Let us have a moment of silence for our sanity. (All sit quietly, then scream in shear and utter agony.) >"Do you see what I see?" asked Gillian finally finding her voice. ALL: (start to sing) Do you see what I see... >"I don't know," David whispered still looking confused, MIKE: (as David/Mulder) I left my glasses at home. > "tell me >what you see." >"We're in Washington you idiot," she snapped, obviously >starting to >lose it. TOM: You know, I really thought Mulder would lose it first. MIKE: For the millionth time it's David and Gillian, not Mulder and Scully! TOM: I'm just "going with it" like you said. > "How on earth did we get to Washington? We were only in >that elevator for a minute. Even Chris couldn't pull off anything >this elaborate." CROW: I think somewhere Chris is in the process of laughing like a mad scientist. TOM: Like this? MWHAHAHAHA!!!!! CROW: Yeah, like that. >"It's a dream," muttered David shaking his head. "Here, pinch >me >and I'll wake up," he said holding out his arm to her. TOM: Umm, when I said she pulled his arms out. I was kidding. MIKE: Sounds like she really did. TOM: (quickly) I had nothing to do with it!!! I swear!!!! >Gillian pinched him causing him to yelp in pain. "Not so hard, ALL: Wimp! >that hurts. Anyhow, I've changed my mind, this is a nightmare," >he said rubbing the sore spot on his arm. TOM: Not only has she shoved him to the floor, but *now* she's pinched him so hard his arm is sore! >"What are we going to do?" asked Gillian looking ready to cry. >"I've got to get home." MIKE: Well, all you have to do is clap you heels together and repeat... ALL: ...There is no network like Fox, there is no network like Fox... >"Look, there's a phone," David said hurrying across the plaza to >a >pay phone. "You can call Clyde and tell him what happened. TOM: Clyde Bruckman? >Then >we'll get a cab to the airport and catch a flight back to >Vancouver." MIKE: They'll have to run pretty fast to "catch" the flight, 'cause...you see...heh. >Surprised that he was being so "can do" in the face of total >chaos, >Gillian followed him to the phone. "Shit, it's out of order," he >exclaimed kicking the side of the building in frustration. CROW: Causing it to topple and fall on them. MIKE: Well, technically it wouldn't be on "them" anymore. So far you've had two *other* buildings fall on 'em so they're burried pretty deep. TOM: Not to mention that *this* building was one of them. I just say he ran out of jokes. CROW: Oh yeah? TOM: Yeah! CROW: Just wait, I'll get the next one before any of ya! >Just then his pocket started to ring. Fumbling in his haste, >David >almost dropped the cellphone as he grabbed it out of his >suitcoat. >"Where did this come from?" he asked flipping open the phone CROW: His suitcoat maybe? TOM: That was weak, but I'll give it to you. CROW: *You* try it then! TOM: Fine! I will! >and >nearly choking as he said, "Hello?" TOM: Darn words. I always forget to chew 'em before I say 'em. MIKE: Wha..??? TOM: Well, you know how your mom always told you to chew because you'd choke if you didn't??? CROW: That was a strech. TOM: Only for you. CROW: HEY! You take that back right now or I'll.... MIKE: Cool it guys. We're not even 1/3 the way done yet! 'BOTS: Man.... >"We've got to meet," said the voice in the phone. "You know >where....midnight....come alone or I won't be there." CROW: How will he know that he's not alone if he's not already there? TOM: Yeahhh... > With an >abrupt click the line went dead. MIKE: Most clicks are abrupt. 'Else they'd be called calllicckksss. >"What the fuck?...Oh, screw it," David said suddenly realizing >that he held the answer to their communication problems in his >hand. >With a gallant flourish he handed the phone to Gillian who TOM: ...immediately hit him over the head with it and told him to watch his language. >immediately punched in her home number. He watched >growing MIKE: I've heard of growth spurts, but *that* is ridiculous. >increasingly concerned as she disconnected and redialed the >number. >"Excuse me, can you tell me what number I've just called? How >long >have you had that number? No, no, I'm sorry. I must be CROW: ...nuts. TOM: ...a frog. MIKE: ...or *not* be. What was the question? >mistaken," >Gillian murmured disconnecting once more. Looking up at >David MIKE: Who by this time was over ten feet tall. >with >utter bewilderment she said, "That was the aquarium at the >Vancouver Zoo. Somehow they've got my phone number and >they swear TOM: ...cross my heart and hope to die? Or a pinky swear? >they've had it for years." > >"Don't panic," said David snatching the phone out of her hand CROW: Where else would she be holding it?! Her foot? >and >starting to dial, "there's lots of other people we can call." MIKE: Who they gonna call? 'BOTS: Ghostbusters! >Ninety minutes later they sat on the steps staring at the broken >phone which David had finally hurled to the ground in >frustration. CROW: Mulder is *not* going to be very happy about that. >"I think we've talked to every fast food joint in the United >States. I sure hope we get out of here before that phone bill has >to be paid," said David trying to make light of their increasingly TOM: Heavy situation. CROW: Fat situation. MIKE: Dark situation. >desperate situation. > >"So David, tell me again about this parallel universe theory," said >Gillian with a sigh. > >"That was a joke," he replied. "At least, I think it was a joke. MIKE: (as David) I've always had trouble with those darn punch lines. >You know I don't believe in that kind of nonsense." > >Meanwhile.... in a grey sedan parked across the street a phone >rang. "Krychek," said the man sitting in the driver's seat as he TOM: ...drove. CROW: Nah, how 'bout: ...leaned his head out the window. MIKE: You guys are pathetic, its: ...Kept the speed above 50 mph. 'BOTS: Augghhhh! >flipped open the phone. "No, they're still here.....I don't know, >they're acting really screwy even for them......OK, I'll let you TOM: ...down. CROW: ...in. MIKE: ...out. >know when they leave." He set the phone back down on the seat >next >to him as he continued to watch the couple across the street. TOM: ...dance. CROW: ...walk their two dalmations. MIKE: ...jaywalk to the other side. CROW: We're really on a roll today. >The dented yellow cab, which had definitely seen its better days, TOM: It had seen them go *right* by! CROW: Wrong by! MIKE: Left by! TOM: Hey! Don't riff the riffs! CROW: Sorry, we kinda got carried away. MIKE: Yeah. >pulled up to the curb in front of the old brownstone building. >The >passengers emerged slowly, pausing to pay the driver before >they CROW: ...stabbed a pen through his heart. MIKE: That's just a wee bit dark for my liking. >moved to the sidewalk. The redhead examined the building for >a >moment before turning to her companion and saying, "Whose MIKE: ...bright idea was this, anyway? >idea was >it to go to Mulder's place anyhow? MIKE: Hey! TOM: What? They didn't say what you said. MIKE: But they were close enough. CROW: Oh, Mike just relax. > I have a feeling that this is >going to be a pit. Scully has a really nice place. We should >have >gone there." CROW: (quietly to himself) I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. MIKE & TOM: Thank you! >"Don't be such a priss," said David moving towards the front >steps. >"Besides, I'm the one who had keys in my pocket, not to mention >a TOM: ...brain. >wallet. You're the one who didn't want to go back in the building >and try to find your purse...I mean HER purse. Oh, forget it. >It's too confusing. Let's just go in." TOM: Yeah, we forgot it long ago! MIKE: Forgot what? CROW: Exactly. >She slowly climbed the steps to his side as he opened the front >door. Neither of them spoke as they entered the elevator in the >lobby. They were both exhausted and hungry. Try as they >might MIKE: They obviously were *not* very mighty. >to >deny the reality of their situation, the facts overwhelmingly >supported the unbelievable. The killing blow had come when TOM: They had stepped out of the cab and a mugger jumped them. He then whiped out a knife... MIKE: We get it Tom. You can stop now. TOM: Aw nuts! And I was just getting to the good part! >David >had gone to scratch a sore spot on his side and discovered a CROW: ...metal implant? >bandage over a long gash that definitely wasn't his. Invasion of >the Body Snatchers had nothing on their current situation. MIKE: But it *did* have something on their future situation. >Somewhere, in the tired recesses of his brain, David was >laughing TOM: Why.....he did not know. >at the image of trying to explain this event in a future press >interview. "And I'm supposed to be the skeptical one," he >thought CROW: (confused) He is? >as the elevator doors opened. > >Stopping at the door marked 42, neither one of them was really TOM: ...alive. CROW: ...sane MIKE: ...human. >surprised when one of the keys on the ring David had found fit >perfectly. Enough weird things had happened by this time that >they TOM: ...just joined together to sing: ALL: (to "Small World") It's an X-Files after alllllll!!!! >were both beginning to accept bizarre as the norm. David >entered >first, fumbling for the light switch on the wall. The scene which CROW: Ok. So are we back to filming then? >met their eyes had an all too familiar look to it from the walls in >need of a fresh coat of paint to the haphazard piles of books, TOM: ...the alien fetuses. >magazines, and newspapers. > >"I still don't believe this," said Gillian walking slowly through TOM: Yep! Sounds like Scully. CROW: But is says: "said Gillian..." MIKE: Maybe they're one and the same. ALL: (think a moment) Nahhhh! >the tiny apartment picking up occasional items to examine them >more >closely. "How is any of this possible? I mean, this is just an >idea that Chris had for a series. How can any of this be real?" ALL: Too easy! TOM: (german accent) Now, vhy don't you lay down and tell zee doctor vhat you saw. MIKE: Umm, Tom? We've done that one already buddy. >"Doesn't this guy eat anything besides sunflower seeds?" asked >David ignoring her questions as he searched through the slim CROW: ...jim. >pickings in the refrigerator. "Two beers and leftover chow mein >is >not exactly what I had in mind for dinner." MIKE: (as David) It's just what I had in mind for breakfast though. >"Look David, there really are fish," said Gillian from the other TOM: ...universe. CROW: ...side of the mirror. MIKE: ...time line. >room pausing in front of the aquarium. "Do you think I should >feed >them?" CROW: You know. It's really amazing that those fish are still alive. >She looked up from her search for fish food to find David MIKE: ...had completely dissapeared. CROW: ...doing the macarana. TOM: ...sitting on the couch watching TV. >standing >in the kitchen doorway with a stricken expression on his face. >"Oh >God, who's going to feed Blue?" TOM: He's got the blues. >"Blue? Blue? We're stuck in an alternate universe and you're >worried about your dog! ALL: (singing.) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog! > What about my baby? What about CROW: ...Bob? TOM: AHHH! MIKE: Really Crow, did you *have* to remind us about that Twin Peaks crossover? >Clyde? >Your DOG? Give me a break!" TOM: (singing) Give me a break, give me a break. Break me off... CROW & MIKE: STOP! TOM: Sheesh! Tough crowd. > Abandoning the fish, CROW: Those poor fish. > she plopped down >on the couch. MIKE: She'll ruin the springs that way. TOM: Mulder is really not going to be happy about all this. CROW: Well, at least she fed his fish. MIKE: Didn't Scully feed his fish once? TOM & CROW: Yeahhhh.... >"Hey, don't get mad at me. I didn't make this happen. Besides, >you know Clyde will feed Piper. Hell, maybe SHE'LL feed Piper. >If >what we think is true she should have the equipment she >needs," he >shouted back at her. ALL: Angst alert! >Gillian struggled with the image of some fictional character TOM: If she's fictional, then it would probably help to read her discription to get the image. >nursing her baby and moving whole hog into her previously >comfortable existence. "Oh God, this can't be happening," she >sobbed finally giving into the tears which had threatened all >afternoon. TOM: (as a weatherman) Tonight; mostly sad, with a chance of tears by mid-paragraph. >The two men sitting in the paneled van across the street, >monitoring the conversation in the apartment above looked at CROW: The windshield wipers as they went; back, and forth, and back, and forth.... TOM: You are getting very sleepy... MIKE: Zzzzzz. TOM: D'oh! >each >other in amazement. "Shit, they're on to us. I thought we'd >hidden the bugs better this time. Why can't Mulder just react >like TOM: ..a lunatic. MIKE: Zzzzzxxxx. CROW: Zzzzzxxxx?! MIKE! MIKE: (wakes up) Huh? Phew! Thanks guys, I was having an X-Files dream. (looks at the screen) Guess not. >a normal person and write notes when he thinks we're bugging >him? MIKE: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! >I swear he pulls shit like this just to piss us off," said Krychek >throwing his headset down on the seat. ALL: RATBOY! TOM: Well, it's working isn't it?! >"Wait," cautioned his companion stubbing out his cigarette, "I'm >not sure this is all gibberish. It could be a code. This baby >business intrigues me. CROW: Uhhhh.....no comment on *that* one. > Remember our suspicions about the >trenchcoats and the way she hid behind counters all the time." TOM: Yeahhhhh..... >Picking his words carefully, Krycheck asked, "Well then what's >the >'dog' business MIKE: Dog business. You know, lawn fertilizer? > mean and all that stuff about an alternate >universe?" TOM: (as Krycheck) Oops, sorry about that. That was my Star Trek tape, what he *really* said was this... >"I don't know but I'll find out. Stay here and keep up the >surveillance." The older man pocketed the tape and quietly >exited MIKE: Well Cancerman *never* does anything loud anyway... >the van much to the relief of Krycheck who had been gagging >on all >the TOM: ...lies and half truths. >cigarette smoke. Wishing he could open a window to vent the >smoke, Krychek set up a fresh tape and put the headset back on MIKE: (holds imaginary headphones to his ears and begins jamming to the "music".) >resigning himself to listening to more of Mulder's bull. Despite >any theory the Marlboro man had, he was convinced Mulder was TOM: ...nuts. CROW: ...a coupla' X's short of a file? MIKE: (is still "jamming".) 'BOTS: MIKE! MIKE: (stops) What? >just >jerking his chain. >"Gillian, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," MIKE: (as David) I really should've yelled at you like this... >David said sitting down next to her on the couch. "Look, I've >still got $80 and a Visa card. Let's go out to dinner." > >Wiping the remaining tears on the handkerchief he gave her, >Gillian >didn't answer for a moment. "Isn't that stealing or something? I >mean it's not really our money after all." TOM: Well, when you get right down to it, it's not really *real* money anyway so... >"Look, I'm having enough problems trying to cope here without >worrying about the ethics of this whole situation. Figure it this >way, he's got my wallet, I've got his. It'll all balance out. CROW: I don't know...I don't think Mulder's all that good with checkbooks. > Let >me just see if he's got something more comfortable than this >suit >to wear." MIKE: He could wear a "law" suit. 'BOTS: (groan) >Gillian, apparently accepting his logic, hurried into the >bathroom CROW: She shoulda' done that before she left! >before he could beat her to it. Searching through all the >bathroom >drawers and cupboards TOM: Uh, doesn't she need a search warrant or something? > she decided that if Mulder and Scully were >sleeping together as the show's fans liked to speculate, they >must >not be shacking up at his place. CROW: (whimpers) MIKE: Be strong Crow. > There wasn't a lipstick or >mascara to be found MIKE: In Mulder's apartment?! I should hope not! >and there was only one toothbrush. ALL: Ewwww. > Luckily, >with the help of a washcloth and towel she was able to repair >most >of the damage from the tears. TOM: It sounds like the dam burst and her tears flooded the counter in the bathroom. >When she exited the bathroom she found David looking >considerably >more relaxed in worn blue jeans, a navy tee shirt, and sneakers. >Wishing that Dana had been indiscreet enough to leave some >comfortable clothes here for her to wear MIKE: I state again: At Mulder's apartment?!?!?! CROW: Wow! Gillian's a 'shipper!!! Alright! > she resigned herself to >putting up with her suit for awhile longer. David held the door >for her as they exited the apartment. MIKE: Exit; stage left. >Having temporarily accepted their bizarre situation the rest of >the >weekend went relatively smoothly. After a wonderful meal at a MIKE: ...Fastfood joint. TOM: That's like an oxymoron; isn't it? >small restaurant they found, they returned to Mulder's and >settled >in for the night. CROW: (snaps) AHHHHHH! > David graciously let Gillian have the bed ALL: Huh?! TOM: Since when did Mulder get a bed? CROW: (shaky) It's all right. I'm okay. >and >even helped her move the piles of clothes and newspapers off >of it. >He seemed content to curl up on the coach and peruse the >amazing >assortment of videos before falling asleep. TOM: Like he slept! CROW: (still shaky) This is *really* starting to wear on me guys. >They spent Saturday playing tourists, enjoying the chance to be >anonymous. It had been a long time since either one of them >had >been able to stroll the streets without being accosted by fans. MIKE: At least they were never hot. 'BOTS: Wha...? MIKE: You know, fans.... 'BOTS: (groan.) TOM: That was bad, Mike. >Whatever other problems Mulder and Scully had, being pursued >by >hordes of admirers did not appear to be one of them. CROW: Nah, just hordes of people bent on murder, blood, and revenge. >Gillian resolved her wardrobe crisis with the help of Mulder's >Visa >card. ALL: It's everywhere *you* want to be! TOM: Even in alternate universes. > Due to twinges of guilt about the havoc this must be >creating for Mulder's no doubt limited financial resources she >resisted CROW: Guess it wasn't futile. > the temptation to splurge and settled for necessities. > >David was basking in the enjoyment of walking the streets in >peace. MIKE: ...no, it's *pieces*. TOM: Boy, you sure have a lot of bad jokes in ya today Mike. MIKE: Well, sometimes you just gotta let 'em out! >Despite the heat and humidity, the D.C. weather offered a >welcome >break from the rainy skies of Vancouver. > >Sunday was spent CROW: I wonder what the exchange rate is. > in much the same way and it was only as the >evening approached that the feeling of vacation began to wear >off. MIKE: Let's leave before it starts up again... (They exit.) Tom is reading his "Guide to Alternet Universes" book. TOM: Okay, it says here that a sure fire way to tell if you are in a parallel universe is if: "Everything's the same, but every*body's* different." MIKE: (has just put together a really complicated machine of sorts) That sounds like a good book for parallel universe's. TOM: (absorbed in the book) Oh, it is! Listen to this: "When in a parallel universe you must try to act like the person you replaced or you may be locked up as a lunitic (or the nearest equivilant) and unable to get back." Crow walks in. CROW: Pearl just called. She wants to have us over for dinner and a movie. I said "yes" of course. MIKE: Of course. The Forrester's are some of our dearest friends. TOM: (looking up) Huh? Run that by me again Mike. MIKE: I said: Of course. The Forrester's are some of our dearest friends. TOM: That's what I thought you said.(looks at Mike's machine) 'Scuse me a second. (he grabs his book and runs off-stage.) CROW: (shrugs and turns to Mike's creation) This is really neat Mike. You are so much better than machines then Joel ever was. MIKE: (modestly) Thank you Crow. (Commercial Sign) MIKE: (working on the invention) Could you please get that for me Crow? CROW: Sure, no problem. (hits button with his beak) (COMMERCIALS: Nightly news, more 10-10 numbers, this Sunday on FOX!) TOM: (is asleep and has his head resting on his book.) Mike and Crow walk in. MIKE: Hey, Tom. Wake up! TOM: (sleepily) Huh? What? (urgently) Quick Mike. Who are the Forrester's? MIKE: (looks at Crow and then back at Tom): Um, they're the one's who force us to watch bad movies in a lame attempt to take over the world. TOM: Whew! That's a relief!! CROW: It is??? TOM: Yeah, I had this dream I was in a alternate universe and you guys were there, only it *wasn't* you...and...(MOVIE lights.) MIKE: You'll have to hold that thought Tom, 'cause... ALL: We've got X-Files SIIIGGGNNNN!!!! (more general panic.) (door thingy.) >"David, I hate to seem ungracious after you've been so nice >about CROW: ...ruining my life by getting me stuck in a stupid alternate universe! >all this but I would really like to get home," said Gillian as they >lingered over dessert at a local cafe. "I miss Clyde and Piper >and TOM: ...my so called life. >I want my old life back. How are we going to get home?" >"Well, if I remember my Star Trek correctly, CROW: He's a Trekkie! TOM: That's "Trekker." >it has something to do >with being in the transporter at the right time but it all has to >be carefully coordinated," replied David with a smile. "Actually, >I hate to tell you this but I don't have a clue. I guess I should >have read more science fiction." CROW: Yeah! You had a chance to learn how to fix this, but noo *you* had to run off and... >"OK, then answer me this....do we have to go to work tomorrow? >Because, if we do, we'd better figure out how to get that report >written.' MIKE: Um, ink and paper? >David smacked his head with his palm suddenly feeling all the >relaxation of the weekend slip away. "Oh shit, the report....I TOM: ...forgot to cite my sources. >forgot all about that. Yeah, we probably do have to go to work. CROW: Most people do. >I don't know if this makes any sense, but maybe if we hang out >in >that elevator we'll just switch back." MIKE: And up! And down! And up! And down! >Gillian considered what he said for a movement before >responding, MIKE: (woosily) I don't feel so good... >"I don't think that Skinner guy is going to be very happy if we try TOM: That's another part of my book: Do or do not. There is no... >hanging out in the elevator all day. He's bound to get >suspicious. >Besides that, what happens if it doesn't work?" > >"I don't know. I forgot to bring my Traveler's Guide to Alternate >Universes with me. TOM: Well, it's not like it's all that expensive. CROW: Hey Tom, where did you put it? TOM: It's right here. (he pulls it out from under his seat.) > Look, let's just plan on spending as much time >in the elevator as we can without arousing suspicion. Then we'll >just fill in the rest of the time doing whatever it is Mulder and >Scully do all day." MIKE: So basically they'll run around in the dark with their guns drawn trying not to get killed. CROW: Pretty much. >"Pray tell, what is that? You have the easy part of this. >Everyone already thinks you're crazy. MIKE: She's got a point. > I'm supposed to be the >sensible one. And what about the stupid report?" TOM: Well, if you hadn't waited until the last minute! >"Will you knock it off about the bloody report!!! CROW: Okay...whose nose is it that's bleeding this time?! > How hard can it >be to write? We shot the Jersey Devil ep last season for pete's >sake. You can just write up whatever was in the script." TOM: So it's the *Second* season?! CROW: Maybe I shouldn't have made that last riff. >"You want me to file a report with the FBI based upon a TV >script? TOM: They might get suspicous about it being in playwrite format. CROW: They can just blame it on Windows95. Say it was the only way they could print it. TOM: Actually that might work. >What if it was a different wildwoman? I mean, maybe they deal >with >this kind of stuff all the time. MIKE: Well, you're the main character in the show. I would think you'd know! > Besides which, you know I never >really write a report. They just script snippets. I don't know >how to do it." CROW: Then I guess she should've been paying more attention. MIKE: Like she knew she was going to be sucked into another universe! TOM: Well, the book says to always be ready for that sort of thing! >David sighed, reneging on all of his earlier thoughts that maybe >this wouldn't be so bad after all. The report was a definite >problem. Neither of them wanted to face Skinner without it. CROW: Kinda like having to fight Medussa without a mirror. >"I know, let's go back to the building and find our office. We >know it's in the basement somewhere down a corridor filled with >file boxes. ALL: Good luck! > I'll bet Scully's laptop is in the office. CROW: AH! THEY DISMEMBERED HER!!!! MIKE: No, they didn't. That's what that small type of computer is called. TOM: Man, Crow. I would think you knew that, being a 'bot an' all! > Maybe >she's already written the report. Then all we'd have to do is >print it out and we're home free," David concluded pulling Gillian >to her feet. "I'll get a cab." > >Krycheck pulled to a stop a block behind the cab and watched >the >two as they struggled to make the keycard work. He was in a >foul >mood CROW: So he proceeded to order ten chocolate sundae's (That's for all you Q fans out there...along with the truth!) > having wasted most of his weekend following them around. >None >of the conversations they'd monitored made any sense. TOM: So? Usually they don't make any sense anyway. >Cancerman >and his cronies were still trying to find a pattern in the dialogue >but he seriously doubted that they would be successful. He still >couldn't figure out what Mulder and Scully were doing spending >the >whole weekend together. CROW: ....... > Surely they didn't think they could get >away with that without someone noticing. CROW: I'VE NOTICED!!!! >He waited several minutes before following them into the >building >knowing that they would probably head straight for their office. MIKE: Well, as straight as they could. >Opting for the stairs, to avoid alerting them with the noise of the >elevator, he headed for the basement. Sure that they were >already >in the office, he was caught by surprise when he rounded a >corner >and crashed into Scully, almost knocking her over in the >process. TOM: Good one! >David and Gillian were beginning to realize that finding the X- >files office was not going to be as easy as they had anticipated. >The basement offered an abundance of corridors, CROW: ...all of which were identical. > most of them >packed >with shelves and old file boxes that looked just like the set of >the exterior of their office. MIKE: Well, maybe they'll run into the room where Cancerman keeps all of the evidence. CROW: Sure. They have about as much chance as finding that as they do their office. > None of the occasional markers on >the basement walls provided any clues. They were close to >giving >up the whole plan when Krycheck rounded the corner and ran >into >Gillian. MIKE: Um, we've stated that already. TOM: Must be a heckuva plot point. >"FUCK!" screamed Krycheck in his mind, while maintaining a >relatively calm exterior. At least Scully and Mulder seemed >equally shocked to see him and after a number of false starts >they TOM: ...we're disqualified. >abandoned any attempt at conversation. "Excuse me," said >Krycheck CROW: Oh, aren't bad guys the very model of politeness? >recovering first, "I was just looking for an old file. I didn't >realize anyone else was down here." MIKE: What is he? Blind? TOM: Maybe it was a "blind corner". CROW: ...Boo! >"We're just leaving," Gillian piped up, grabbing David by the arm >and pulling him back down the corridor. Unfortunately, she had >no CROW: ...sense of direction and they ran straight into a wall. >idea how to get out of this maze now that they were in it and >made >a number of wrong turns before suddenly stopping in front of a >door >with a big X marked on it. TOM: (sarcastically) Hmm, I wonder if this is it? CROW: I thought it was supposed to have "Fox Mulder" on it. > "David, give me those keys," she hissed MIKE: ...she's a snake woman. CROW: It's a whole 'nother X-File! TOM: That's what? Three for her? MIKE: Scully, yeah. CROW: Guys...*second* season!!! MIKE: Slight problem Crow. We would run out of riffs if we did that. >not wanting to alert the stranger who might still be lurking in the >corridors. TOM: Hey, she catches on quick. >Handing over the key ring, David hissed back, MIKE: ...and now we also have a snake man! > "Gillian, do you know >who that was? That was Krycheck. What's he doing here? He >doesn't even show up until the second season." CROW: It's called "character backround" perhaps you've heard of it? >Having finally managed to get the door open, Gillian shoved >David TOM: At least she didn't push him. >through the opening. With a quick final check of the corridor >she >followed him in, turning to lock the door behind them. "Forget >about Krycheck. We've got bigger problems." Turning on the >light >they immediately started the search for the laptop. CROW: They should've saved themselves the time and just checked the desk. >In just minutes they had located the laptop and powered it up. >Any >feelings of success were immediately quashed when the screen TOM: ...refused to turn on. >flashed ENTER PASSWORD. "We're screwed," said David. "We >won't be >able to figure that out in a million years." MIKE: I'm sure the lonegunmen could do it for them. >Gillian ignored him and after reviewing everything she knew >about >Scully, starting trying passwords. She rapidly ran through >Starbuck, Trustno1, TOM: Hey! That's *supposed* to be his password!! CROW: Maybe they're required to change it every so often. MIKE: Either that or he was tired of having the lonegunmen get into his stuff. > spooky, and a variety of others. It took ten >minutes before she hit on the right one, "OFU". CROW: Well the same to you buddy!!!! MIKE: I should'a seen that one coming. >"How did you do that and what kind of password is OFU?" asked >David, incredulous that she had managed to figure it out. > >"It's UFO spelled backwards. Great minds think alike," she >responded with a smug expression on her face. CROW: So she believes she and Scully have great minds? MIKE: The keyword in there is "believe". TOM: I believe! (Other two turn to stare at him) TOM: What? >With a visible effort David let that one go by. Gillian was racing CROW: Who? >through the options and had located a file that looked >promising. >Quickly scanning the document to make sure it was the one >they >wanted they were relieved to find that the report was apparently TOM: In this show, apperences mean less than nothing! >complete and just needed to be printed. It took a few minutes to >figure out how to print it and they both sighed in relief when >they >finally had the finished document in hand. > >Krycheck barely managed to duck CROW: duck...duck...goose! (knocks Mike's head.) MIKE: Ow! >out of sight when they charged ALL: (do that trumpet call.) Doot, doot, doot, doot, do, de, do, de, da, doooo! > out >of the office several minutes later. He followed them at a >distance as they took the most roundabout route to the elevator >possible. He figured that they suspected he was still following >them and opted once again to use the stairs. > >He followed them out and was surprised to see them flag >another MIKE: Are they playing "flag football"? TOM: Maybe it's "Capture the flag". >cab >still leaving both of their cars in the parking lot. MIKE: I honestly think that *one* of them would have thought of the cars by now! CROW: Well, it's not like they know where they're going. MIKE: True. > The business >of using cabs all the time really had him puzzled. Reviewing his >notes on the conversation he'd overheard in the corridor, he >scratched his head over the 'second season' comment. ALL: What?! CROW: That was weird. TOM: How did he know that we said that?! MIKE: I think he means when David said that. > Puzzling over >how Mulder knew his name he muttered, "No wonder they call >him >Spooky," as he climbed into his car. TOM: He must own a rig or something to have to climb into it! >He was pleased to find his relief already parked at Mulder's >apartment house when they got back. Finally, he could go >home and >forget these lunatics for the night. MIKE: Murphey's Law: he'll probably have dreams about them speaking funny and running into them around every corner. TOM: (as Lisa Simpson in the dream) Chief...Wiggum... ...don't...eat...the...CLUES!!!! >Gillian was already awake and in the shower when the alarm >went off >at 5am. By the time David had the coffee brewing she was out >and >dressed ALL: (singing) The best part about waking up, is Folgers in your cup! > and David took his turn. It took him longer to get ready >as he discarded one awful tie after another. Resigned that he >had >to pick one, no matter how awful, he finally selected a navy silk >number dotted with red and yellow flying saucers. > >"Nice tie, David. No wonder it took you so long. I hope the >fashion police don't arrest you." CROW: No, but the regular police probably will. TOM: Yeah, they always do eventually. >"Be nice or we won't go by Scully's and you'll have to wear that >suit again." > >The trip to Scully's went smoothly. Nothing like taxis for finding >your way around strange cities. David waited in the cab while >Gillian ran in and changed. CROW: Into what? > "This place is definitely nicer," said >Gillian returning to the cab. "We should stay here tonight if we >don't get home." TOM: Yeah, I can just see Scully "What is Mulder's tie doing here?" >"But I haven't watched all the videos yet. You know how I was >looking forward to Bambie Does Dallas." MIKE: I think that's an "in" joke of sorts. TOM: That's "Bambi" MIKE: Close enough. >"Watch out, David. I think you're becoming your character. >Next >thing you know you'll be looking for UFOs and having trouble >sleeping." > >"You're one to talk. I had no idea that you were so proficient >with computers." CROW: They banter just like Mulder and Scully. >The banter helped distract them from the upcoming ordeal of >trying >to fake it through a day at the office. Paying off the cabby with >his last twenty dollar bill David reflected that they were going to >have to get some cash soon if they had to stay here much >longer. > >The trip up the elevator went smoothly MIKE: Well, elevators rides *are* pretty smooth...normally. > although they were >disappointed to find themselves still in the FBI building when >the >doors opened on the sixth floor. They quickly deposited the CROW: ...blood money. >report >on Skinner's desk and headed back to the elevator marveling at >how >smoothly everything was going so far. TOM: Well, there aren't really that many earthquakes on the east coast, so I don't think they have much to worry about. >"Uh oh, look who's getting off the elevator. Quick, in here." >Opening the closest available door, David yanked Gillian into >the >room with him. Unfortunately, he hadn't noticed that it was the >door to the Men's Room. ALL: D'oh! > Immediately realizing the mistake, they >were just turning to leave when Skinner walked in the room. ALL: Double D'oh!!! >"Excuse me," said David attempting to duck past him with Gillian >in >tow. Skinner immediately moved to block their path. > >"Agent Scully, what an unexpected pleasure. Would you care to >explain what you're doing in here?" CROW: (as Scully/Gillian) I dunno. What do most people do in bathrooms? >"Not really," said Gillian looking daggers at David who >immediately >started to babble. MIKE: Like a brook? >"It's all very simple, sir. Uhmmm, Gillian, I mean Scully, she had >kind of an emergency and the door to the women's room was >stuck so >I suggested she use the men's room and I'd guard the door for >her." MIKE: I had to do that once. 'BOTS: Ughhh! TOM: I could've lived a happy life not knowing that. >"In my office....both of you.....NOW! > >"I knew this was too easy," muttered David, as they once again >followed Skinner to his office. TOM: I'm begining to see a pattern here. >Assistant Director, Walter Skinner, was not having a good day. >Days which started off with meetings with the smoking man >were >rarely good. TOM: Please forgive me Crow, it's *MIKE* that's been reading ahead. MIKE: Ah, so sue me! > He didn't trust the man at all but knew that he >wouldn't have made the sort of accusations he had without >some hard >evidence. Mondays were bad enough under normal >circumstances. CROW: A "Garfield" fan. > So >far, this day was nowhere near normal. TOM: Well, it would almost *be* abnormal to have a normal day in the X-Files. >Already primed for a confrontation with his wayward agents, the >interchange in the washroom had added fuel to the fire. CROW: Watch out for the sprinklers, I hope your papers, wooden desks, and expensive clothes can take it! >"Shut the door," he commanded, taking a position of power >behind >the desk. MIKE: He's mad. Mad with POWER! >David closed the door before moving to join Gillian. Taking the >same seat he had on Friday, he was careful this time to keep his >feet well away from the desk. TOM: (as Skinner) Agent Mulder, why are you standing by the wall? >Skinner didn't say anything as he studied both of them in turn. CROW: There was going to be a test later. >Taking his own seat he seemed to brace himself before opening >the >conversation. > >"We're going to pretend, for the moment, that I never saw you >two MIKE: ...before. TOM: That was too obvious. >in the restroom. I have neither the time or the patience to listen >to any more of your idiotic excuses. Let me just warn you both >that you are skating on very thin ice right now." CROW: That heat and humidity musta' cooled off *really* fast! >Despite his frigid tone, Gillian and David breathed sighs of relief >at being let off the hook. David immediately discarded the six >alternative excuses he'd thought up during the trip from the >washroom to the office. Maybe this would all be ok after all. > >Taking a deep breath, Skinner TOM: ...dove beneath the ice. >locked his gaze on both of them. "I >would like to avoid this conversation but your blatant disregard >for regulations and any attempt at discretion has made that >impossible. Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, are you two having >sexual >relations?" ALL: WHAT?!?!?!(laughter ensues) >David and Gillian stared open mouthed at the obviously furious >Skinner before turning to look at each other. Any hope of >responding to the accusation in a serious manner was lost once >their gazes met. Seeing the beginnings of David's grin, Gillian >immediately collapsed into a fit of giggles. MIKE: I wonder how it felt. Collapsing into a fit of giggles. TOM: Umm, funny? CROW: (deadpan) Ha, ha. >David, similarly overcome with laughter, barely managed to >squeeze MIKE: Look out! Tooms is back! >out, "Don't tell me you've been reading all that junk on the net." CROW: They actually *read* this stuff?! TOM: Oh, I hope they haven't read some of the one's that we've had to read. MIKE: You mean like "A Short Walk"? ALL: (shudder.) >Gillian lost all control at this point as both of them fell back in >their chairs laughing until they cried. MIKE: I'm not saying that you can't *do* this, but..."laughing until you cry" is really weird. >Skinner was grateful at that moment that he was not carrying a >gun >as the temptation to shoot them both was overwhelming. CROW: What? Is Pusher standing unoticed in the corner? MIKE: No, that's Cancerman. > Folding his >arms he waited in silence. > >Realizing that their "boss" was not enjoying the joke both Gillian >and David struggled to compose themselves. CROW: I've never heard of a person becoming a piece of music. > Wiping away the tears, >David forced his expression into a more serious mode. TOM: Thank goodness he's an actor, otherwise he'd *never* be able to pull it off. >"I'm sorry sir. I guess your question just caught us by surprise." MIKE: I think that question caught *everyone* by surprise. CROW: Except me. MIKE: Of course. >The corners of his mouth started to twitch again but by biting >the >insides of his cheeks he managed to maintain control. > >Gillian, grateful that David was avoiding her gaze, managed to >assume what she hoped was an appropriately serious >expression. TOM: I say again: Assumtion can be a dangerous thing. MIKE: Especially in this show. >"The humor of this situation escapes me Agent Mulder. Perhaps >you >would like to answer my question instead of babbling inanities >about the net." CROW: Skinner's sure got patience. TOM: Well, after a year or so... >"Yes sir. I mean, no sir. I mean...yes MIKE: (as David) I mean no, I mean...I don't know *what* I mean. > I'll answer the question. >No, we are not having sexual relations. Not now, not ever." >Knowing that any eye contact with Gillian would send them both >over >the edge TOM: Well, if they think that they have some how been transported into a fictional show. I'd say they're already over it! > again he kept his gaze locked with Skinner's. CROW: (as fighter pilot) I have a lock. >Skinner looked for any signs that David was being less than >truthful. Unconvinced, he turned his gaze to Gillian. "What do >you have to say about all this Agent Scully?" CROW: (as Scully/Gillian) Well, I'd say you're both nuts, but....opps. >Her control was still shaky but she couldn't resist the >temptation. >"Sir, no disrespect to my partner, but he's not exactly my type." > >"Does that mean no, Agent Scully?" > >"That is a definite no sir." TOM: Such as: no way, huh uh, not a chance, N-O! >"Then perhaps you can explain why you spent the entire >weekend in >Agent Mulder's presence, including three nights at his >apartment?" MIKE: (as Scully/Gillian) I'm sorry sir. I can't do that. It's classified. >"How the hell do you know that?" Suddenly remembering their >meeting >with Krychek, David yelled, "It was MIKE: ...the one armed man! TOM: Actually, I don't think he's lost his arm yet. >...Krychek, wasn't it? He really >is a creep." > >"Who is Krychek?" responded Skinner, puzzled at this reference. > >"Damn, that's right. You haven't met him yet. Never mind." > >Determined to ignore any more comments from the obviously >deranged >Mulder, TOM: Obviously. CROW: Without a doubt. MIKE: Totally. >Skinner turned his attention back to Scully. MIKE: (as Scully) See what I ment, sir? Brain damage? Obvious? > "I'm still >waiting, Agent Scully." > >"Well sir, you told me to take him home and put him to bed. I >was >just following orders." CROW: Ooh, nice recovery! >Flumoxed by her response, Skinner stared at her for several >seconds >before barking, TOM: He must turn into a weredog every time he meets these guys or something. > "Agent Scully, when I suggested that you put him to >bed I meant that you were to deliver him to the door, NOT MOVE >IN!" CROW: (as Scully/Gillian. Whiney) Does that mean I have to move all my stuff *back* now? >"I'm sorry sir. I guess I misunderstood. Perhaps you could be >more clear in your directions in the future." > >Lunging to his feet Skinner MIKE: ...grabbed them each in turn and proceeded to strangle them Homer Simpson style. > braced his hands on the desk as he >stared at both agents looking for any sign of frivolity. They both >returned his stare with expressions of the utmost innocence. CROW: And I'll just draw a coupla' little halos here and... >Seriously considering early retirement Skinner slowly resumed TOM: ...breathing. >his >seat. "I'm going to take your word on this matter for right now. >However, I cannot protect you if you insist on ignoring basic >protocol. You both know the bureau's policy regarding >relationships between partners. Do not imagine that your >partnership is invulnerable. MIKE: After Scully and Mulder repeatedly dissapearing, shot, and in some cases killed? Some how I don't think that's a problem. TOM: Let's not forget the zillion times the X-Files have been closed and they've been split up. > I strongly advise you to be more >discrete in the future." > >Removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes, he continued, >"Moving on >to other matters.....where is that report you promised me?" > >"It's right there, on your desk, sir" responded David, relieved to >be moving on to safer ground. > >Picking up the stapled sheets of paper as if they were >contaminated, CROW: Knowing *them* they could be! > Skinner asked, "Has the bureau run out of folders or >have you just forgotten how to use them?" > >"Folders? Damn, that's right, they're always in folders." TOM: Oh, yeah. Duh! >Gillian quickly jumped to the rescue. "Actually, we couldn't find >any when we looked and I knew you wanted the report right >away. >Besides, this is better for the environment. Less waste and all >that..." MIKE: Waste not. Want not. Ya know? >Wondering what he'd done wrong in a past life to deserve these >two, >Skinner decided to drop the subject. He read through the entire >report before looking up. "Where is the expense report?" CROW: (whiney) You said that wasn't due until Monday, sir! >David quickly looked to Gillian as a feeling of panic >overwhelmed >him. "Expense report? We never did expense reports on the >show." >Seeing that Skinner was starting to hyperventilate again, TOM: If you were going to drop a gas bomb of sorts, this would be the time. > he >quickly improvised, "Ummm, there weren't any expenses this >time." ALL: (make lots of sarcastic comments like: Great idea! Wow, I wouldn't have thought of that! He should have *no* problem believing that!) >"Agent Mulder, your expense reports are legendary. Do you >seriously expect me to believe that you spent a week in New >Jersey, >including a stay in the drunk tank, and there were no expenses? >Hell, the bureau has replaced your entire wardrobe three times >over. Don't give me this crap." TOM: Give me *that* crap. >"Well sir, I realize that and that's why we were so careful not to >spend any money this time." CROW: (as David/Mulder) Heck sir! I didn't even *eat*! >"I don't know why you're doing this, Agent Mulder. However, if >you >choose, for whatever bizarre reason, to absorb all of the >expenses >yourself I'm not going to push the point. Just don't bring it in >later and expect to be reimbursed." MIKE: So it's safe to say that he doesn't take late work. >Feeling a little guilty about the continuing havoc they were >inflicting on Mulder's finances David briefly reconsidered the >whole matter. TOM: It was *very* brief. > Deciding that finding the receipts and documentation >needed to file an expense report in that mess of an office was >way >beyond his skills, ALL: Nah! Way too easy! > he opted to let the matter go. Mulder would >just have to straighten out this mess as best he could when and >if >he returned. MIKE: He's a real glass half-empty person isn't he? >Concluding that the matter of expenses was now closed, >Skinner >moved on to the next topic. Handing David a stack of files he >said, TOM: ...I want these read, paraphrased, spell-checked, summerized, and turned in tomarrow. > "I have several cases here which I think might interest you. >The most urgent one concerns a group of loggers who have >disappeared up in the state of Washington. CROW: (hillbilly) Them Washintonians are up and dissapearing again! > The Forest Service has >requested our help in resolving this matter. You're booked on a >6:30 flight which should leave plenty of time for Dr. Scully to >complete the Fletcher autopsy TOM: Well, it's 6:25 right now so... MIKE: Maybe she's the type of person who crams everything in at the last moment. CROW: She'd better be. > before you go. The other cases can >wait until you return." > >Gillian, who had begun to relax, suddenly froze in her chair. TOM: I betcha that ice is pretty thick now, if it's cold enough to freeze a person in their chair. >Turning to David, who was looking equally panicked she >whispered, >"Not the bugs....please, anything but the bugs. Autopsy? Oh >my >God." CROW: Well, it could have been "3." TOM: Or "Never Again." MIKE: Or "Duane Barry." >"Excuse me sir, we'll be right back," said David, grabbing Gillian >by the arm and quickly exiting the office. Skinner just stared, >dumbfounded by their increasingly demented behavior. CROW: I mean, they were demented *before*, but *now*... >Gillian could hardly contain herself TOM: ...and bits and peices of her were begining to spew... ALL: ...Ewwww.... TOM: Yuck! Sorry about that guys. >until the door was shut. >Noticing the secretary, who was obviously watching them, >David >hushed her until they moved further down the corridor. > >"Autopsy? David, I can't do an autopsy. I nearly passed out >when >I had to dissect a frog in high school. MIKE: Well, think of how the poor frog musta' felt! > And there is no way that >I'm going to go anywhere near those bugs." > >"Hold on, just let me think." Several minutes elapsed. CROW: You know. I think the author just riffed that for us! TOM: You're right! > "Look, >I'll take care of the bugs thing. You just worry about how to get >out of the autopsy. Uh oh, I think we just ran out of time." MIKE: Bing! >No longer able to contain his curiosity, Skinner had opened the >door and was staring at his two agents. They quickly returned >to >their seats in the office. TOM: (innocently) What plans? >David took the top folder and placed it back on Skinner's desk. >"Sir, I think this is definitely not an X-File. It sounds like a >simple missing persons case to me. I think it would be better >left >in the hands of the local authorities." CROW: (as Skinner) We tried that, back when it was a "missing *person* case.". >"You haven't even looked at the file, Mulder. How can you >possibly >tell what kind of case it is?" > >"Sir, continued exposure to cases involving extreme >possibilities >has enabled me to evaluate them very quickly. I can tell from >your >excellent summary TOM: (as David/Mulder) In fact sir. It was the best summary I've ever heard. And your breath is nice and fresh. What kind of toothpaste do you use? > that this is not an X-File. I'm sure one of >these other cases would be more appropriate." Opening the >next >folder he barely glanced at it before throwing it on Skinner's >desk >with the other one. > >Seeing his pallor, Gillian asked, "What is it?" > >"It's Tooms," hissed David. 'BOTS: Miiiiike! MIKE: I didn't know this one!!! Honest! > "That's even worse than the bugs." >Offering up a silent prayer he opened the third folder which he >immediately dropped on the floor. "Oh God, it's the sewer thing. >What is it about New Jersey? Why can't we do a simple alien >abduction?" CROW: I don't know how happy Gillian would be about that. >Skinner, now standing rigid, with his hands on his hips, stared >as >David practically tap danced in his efforts to avoid the files. ALL: Gotta dance!!! >"Agent Mulder, I am growing very tired of your behavior. I was >not >asking you whether or not you wanted the case." Hurling ALL: Ewwww. > the first >file at David, he continued, "I suggest that you take the time to >review this file before your flight. You are dismissed." > >Resisting David's attempts to pull her MIKE: Have you guys noticed that during this whole story they've been pushing and pulling eachother around? >out of the room, Gillian ran >back to Skinner's desk. "Excuse me, sir?" TOM: ...Can I use your telephone? >"What is it now, Agent Scully?" > >"I don't think I should do the Fletcher autopsy today." > >Closing his eyes briefly, Skinner asked through a clenched jaw, >"Why not?" > >"I've got a cold." CROW: Freezing in your chair can do that to you. >"Dr. Scully, THE MAN IS DEAD! MIKE: (as Dr. McCoy) He's dead, Jim. > He's not going to catch your cold." > >"No sir, of course not. It's just that with my resistance being >down and all, I might catch something from him." TOM: I think Scully would've come up with something better than "resistance being down and all..." CROW: You'd think he'd noticed by now that she doesn't talk like Scully. >Gillian was >obviously floundering at this point and looked close to tears. > >Feeling the beginnings of an ulcer developing, ALL: Ewww. > Skinner shouted, >"Get out of my office. Both of you. Go do your jobs right now or >I swear I'll put you both on wiretap detail for life. I don't want >to see or hear from either of you until that case is resolved." MIKE: Notice he didn't say "solved". >Deciding that this would not be a good time to mention that the >wiretap option sounded very attractive, they gathered together >the >files and left the office. TOM: With their tails between their legs. > As David closed the office door he >noticed that Skinner was busy wrestling with a container of >aspirin. CROW: No contest. TOM: Yeah. Aspirin containers are the worst! >"David, admit it, this isn't going to work. I need to get off of >this thing before I throw up." MIKE: She should try those stomach pills that I did. CROW: I was wondering how you got over it so fast. >"Come on Gillian, hang in there. TOM: Ack! Gag! Gasp! CROW: (as Gillian/Scully) My arm are getting sore! > Just one more trip." > >"No, this is stupid. We've been up and down this elevator six >times now. People are getting suspicious." MIKE: What? Does Mulder usually run up and down the stairs? >David glanced at their fellow passengers who did indeed appear >to >be more than mildly interested in their conversation. As the >door >opened on the second floor, two young women quickly exited, >breaking into giggles CROW: Have you guys ever had that feeling? OTHER TWO: What? CROW: That people are laughing at you. (Mike and Tom look at eachother, then start to laugh uproariously.) CROW: Guys! > before the door had closed. The only other >remaining passenger kept his eyes firmly fixed on the floor >readout TOM: Please face the front of the car. >while standing as far away from them as possible. MIKE: That's what? Six inches? > Gillian >immediately hit the button for the first floor with a look that >brooked no interference. TOM: Non-interference; *is* the Prime Directive! >"Fine, have it your way. I was just trying to save you from the >dreaded autopsy," CROW: (ominously) Dun, dun, dunnnn. > David sulked, hurrying to catch Gillian as she >rushed from the elevator. > >"David, I already told you. TOM: Sheesh David. Weren't you listening?! > I'm not going to do any autopsy. I >don't care if Skinner fires us. I hate this job. I'm going back >to Vancouver." > >"Gill, we've already been through this. ALL: Gill??? > There is no point in going >back to Vancouver. Nobody we know will be there. Our only >way >home is through the elevator and we've got to keep these jobs >to >have access to the elevator." MIKE: For those of us who haven't really been paying attention, he just stated the plot. 'BOTS: (overlapping) Huh?...What?...You say something Mike?...What's going on? MIKE: Sigh. >"Why are you so sure that the only way home is through the >stupid >elevator? We're practically collecting frequent flyer miles on the >damn thing and in case you haven't noticed, we're still in >Washington. And don't you dare spout that Star Trek junk at me >again." MIKE: Guess she's not a Trekkie. TOM: But she's knows when it's "Star Trek junk"! CROW: Yeahh... >Firmly believing that the elevator idea was correct, David >struggled to come up with a valid argument to support his >hypothesis. "Damn, now I know how Mulder must feel. Not >everything can be proven scientifically Gillian. Can't you just >accept it? MIKE: At least he didn't ask her to "just believe". > Besides, I haven't heard you coming up with any better >ideas.?" MIKE: Is 'ideas' an abreviation then? CROW: I'm trying to decide if that was a question or a statement. TOM: Both. >"Just because I haven't come up with my own solution doesn't >mean >I have to accept yours." > >"OK, let's agree to disagree for right now. ALL: (singing) You say "right" I say "left" you say... > Anyhow, I think I've >come up with a way to get you off the hook on the autopsy. All >we've got to do is figure out where the morgue is," said David CROW: (as Gillian/Scully) Let me try something. It worked on the show... MIKE: (as David/Mulder) Why are you pulling out your gun? >heading over to the building directory. > >It took less than a minute to determine that the answer to the >morgue's location was not going to be found on the directory. TOM: I don't think too many people visit it. >Abandoning that tactic, David sauntered over to the receptionist >at >the front desk. Quickly reading her nametag, he turned on the >charm and ALL: ...failed miserably. > asked, "Bonnie, maybe you can help us with something. >Scully and I were just having an argument about the quickest >way to >get to the morgue from here. What would you suggest?" TOM: (as Bonnie) I think Scully's idea will work best. Tee, hee, hee. MIKE: (as David/Mulder) No! Wait!!! ALL: Bang! >The extremely attractive brunette looked up at him from under >the >thickest lashes he'd ever seen. TOM: (as Blaine) Her lashes were thick, but they were a little *too* thick... > With a sensuous pout she drawled >in silky tones, "I'm not talking to you Mulder. You know how I >hate to wake up alone. ALL: (scream in shock) > I warned you last time that it was going to >be trouble if you did that to me again." Reaching over the >counter >and adjusting his tie she continued, "You've been a very bad >boy >and I'm going to have to think up an appropriate punishment." CROW: Ahhhhh, (faints) TOM: Poor 'bot. MIKE: Guess it was too much for him. >Feeling like he'd just stepped into the middle of a minefield, >David struggled to come up with a response. It didn't help that >his head was whirling with enticing visions of possible >punishments. >TOM: I feel nausous.... > Resisting the temptation to inquire further regarding >the exact nature of the discipline she had in mind he strove to >steer the conversation onto safer ground. MIKE: I'm guessing it steers like a shopping cart. TOM: You mean; not at all? MIKE: Exactly. >"Can we talk about that later Bonnie? Alone," he hinted with a >quick glance at Gillian who was watching the whole interchange >with >a definite smirk. > >"Maybe I don't want to talk. You know what they say...actions >speak louder than words." TOM: You know, we might be close behind Crow. > She slowly ran her finger over her lips >before continuing, "How about you come by my place at 8 and >we'll >discuss it further." CROW: (waking up.) Uhh, what happened? >From the purr of her voice David figured it was going to be one >wild discussion. CROW: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. > "Sure," he gasped, anxious to get away from her >before he totally embarrassed himself. Abandoning the effort to >elicit directions to the morgue he quickly turned to leave. > >"Muuulderrr." > > >"Yeah?" > >"Don't forget the cuffs." CROW: Ahhh, (faints again.) > MIKE & TOM: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!! > "Uhhh, the >cuffs....right...no problem." > >Ignoring Gillian, who was doubled over in laughter, David took >his >chance and fled MIKE: And we're right behind him! (Mike and Tom are trying to wake Crow up with no success) MIKE: (slapping Crow lightly) Com'on Crow. Rise and shine! TOM: Yeah you wus! It's not *that* bad! CROW: (mumbles something about an owl hooting and begins to snore.) MIKE: (shakes his head) I don't know...I guess it was finally too much for him. TOM: (shrugs) Can I have his magazines then? MIKE: I don't know...I mean he hasn't (movie lights) MIKE & TOM: We've got X-Files SIIIGGGGNNNN! (no panic. Mike lifts Tom and the still sleeping Crow and carries them into the theater.) TOM: Getting pretty buff there Mike! MIKE: Oh, shut up. > the building. Gillian followed at a slower pace >still laughing as she wiped tears from her eyes. CROW: (wakes back up) I really hope we don't run into anymore of that. MIKE: Hey! You woke up! TOM: (as Bonnie) Why not? CROW: STOP IT!!! TOM: (same) Oooh, I'm soorrryyy. CROW: THAT'S IT!!! (attacks Tom.) TOM: AHHHH! (They fall off the chairs, but continue to fight.) TOM: HELP! MIKE: Sorry Tom, but you had this coming. >"Oh god, David, maybe I better stop telling Mulder to get a life. >It sounds like there's a whole side of this guy that Chris has left >undeveloped. Of course, we may need to rename the show, the >Sex >Files." MIKE: You know. I think I've heard that mentioned before! (Still fighting. Tom's head goes flying.) CROW: (from floor) No, it was the eX-Files. You know if they got married or something? MIKE: Oh, yeah. >Still reeling from his own reaction to Bonnie, David refused to >be >drawn into any further discussion of Mulder's sex life. "Just >drop >it, ok. Let's see how you do trying to find the morgue, miss >smarty pants." ('Bots climb back into their seats. Tom's head is gone.) TOM: Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to get a new head. CROW: Here ya go, *buddy* (hands Tom his head.) TOM: Thanks...uh..yeah. >Thirty minutes elapsed before they found their way to the >morgue. ALL: (are fast asleep) >The doors swung open soundlessly > as David and Gillian crept into >the large empty room. MIKE: (yawns as he wakes up) So if the room's empty does that mean Fletcher's body is gone? TOM: It wouldn't be a first. > "I can't believe you wouldn't even try to >ask someone else for directions. One little problem and I get >stuck doing all the work," hissed Gillian, totally fed up with her >partner's continuing silence. TOM: That's not a first either. >"Hey, you're not the one who has a date with Baracutta Bonnie. >I'm >afraid to talk to anyone else. Maybe she's not the only fling he's >got going. Handcuffs? Geez, Gillian, maybe the stories on the >net >aren't so crazy after all." CROW: Well, ya gotta remember. This is one of them. >"Well, you could have asked one of the men couldn't you? MIKE: No, no, no. It's a "guy" thing. > Oh, never >mind, I know how you guys are about asking each other for >directions." MIKE: Finally! Someone who understands! >"Why are we whispering?" > >"Because this place is creepy. CROW: At least she didn't say "Spooky". > Are you going to let me in on this >little plan of yours now?" asked Gillian as she followed David >around the room trying to avoid looking at the stainless steel >tables and assorted jars. > >"Look Gillian, I think this is a brain. Cool." MIKE: (as David/Mulder) So *that's* where it went! I was wondering... >"That is not 'cool'. That is disgusting. Can we please just do >whatever it is you expect us to do and get out of here before >somebody finds us." CROW: (as Skinner over PA system) Mulder, Scully. Are you two running around in the morge again? TOM: (as Mulder/David) Uh, no. There's no Mulder or Scully here. Just us corpses. >"Sure, no problem. Looks like this is the right one," said David, >stopping in front of a stainless steel drawer marked 'Fletcher'. > >As he reached for the drawer pull, Gillian grabbed his hand. >"Wait, don't open that. There could be anything in there. TOM: Very true. > What if >it's one of those really gross corpses like we have on the show? >What if some face eating mutant got it?" > >Gillian, if we're going to hide the body, we've got to open the >drawer to get it out." MIKE: I guess the room *wasn't* empty. >"WE'RE GOING TO WHAT THE BODY???? ARE YOU OUT OF >YOUR MIND?" TOM: Wellll, if it's sitting in a jar over there... >"Sssshhhhhh, someone will hear you. Listen, it's a really good >plan. We'll just hide the body in one of these other drawers and CROW: Hope they take it out before the turn of the century. >then tell Skinner you couldn't find it. You can't do an autopsy >on >a body if it's missing." > >Gillian studied his face for a long minute, looking for any sign MIKE: Stop, No Parking, Yield, *anything*! >that he was kidding. He just stared back at her with no apparent >appreciation of the lunacy of what he was suggesting. "You are >seriously demented. I can't believe I'm even listening to you say >this stuff. CROW: Boy, the longer they're here the more they sound like Mulder and Scully. > We could get in a lot of trouble." > >David sighed in exasperation. "In case you haven't noticed, I >think our current situation goes way past the normal boundaries >of >'a lot of trouble.' TOM: Yeah. What happens if they accidentally trigger some sort of paradox and ruin the space-time continuum? CROW: Picard and Crew will show up to fix it of course. > Unless you've got a better solution, like >maybe suddenly becoming a forensic expert and actually >completing >this MIKE: ...story. > autopsy, I think you'd better just shut up and help me with >this." > >Her eyes darted to TOM: ...and fro. CROW: Wow! Her eyes are moving around the room independently! MIKE: I don't think that's quite what the author ment. > the closed doors as if hoping an alternative >solution would magically appear through them. "Maybe the >elevator >idea wasn't so bad after all." Seeing his eyes lighten TOM: Not again! >at her >attempt at levity, she sighed and motioned with her head that he >should go ahead and open the drawer. > >The drawer slid open easily revealing a black, zippered body >bag, >obviously full. MIKE: Hopefully with just a body. Just a nice, normal, dead body. CROW: Unlikely. > They both relaxed, relieved to be saved from the >unpleasant experience of having to actually look at the dead >body. TOM: Now all they have to do is pick it up and lug it somewhere. >David, moving quickly, opened another drawer several columns >away >from the one marked Fletcher, in preparation for the transition. >With an encouraging smile to Gillian, he gripped the side of the >body bag closest to him, CROW: *Another* body bag?! > motioning that she should take the other >side. "On the count of three. TOM: Three! CROW: NOOOOO! MIKE: Easy Crow. He ment the number, not the episode. > One, two, three." MIKE: (as David) Three...um...uh..four! That's it! Four! >The body was much heavier and considerably more awkward >than either >of them had anticipated. TOM: Well, if they had known I'd have been worried. > They were both sweating by the time they >managed to shift it to the other drawer. TOM: Little do they know, but a little alien lives inside the head and had she actually done the autopsy he would've told them where to find Orion's belt. > Eager to be done with >their gruesome chore, they pushed both drawers closed. MIKE: Look out! It's a "pushing" epidemic! >Suddenly the doors to the morgue flew open as a young man, >who >looked all of sixteen, fell through them. TOM: If the doors flew open, how did he fall *through* them? MIKE: Must be an X-File. > "Ooops," he murmured, as >his face flushed from pink to red. "I was just checking the door >catch and I, uh, slipped. That's right, I slipped. CROW: (sarcastically) Well *I'm* convinced! > Maintenance >and all that you know." With no further explanation, he >clambered >to his feet and quickly fled the room. MIKE: No prizes for guessing what he was doing. > By the time Gillian and >David reached the door, the kid was nowhere to be seen. > >Chalking this interchange up to just one more bit of weirdness >in >their already TOM: ...bizzare mental states. > maniacal existence they trudged back towards the >elevator. "Gillian, I'm really hungry. What do you say we go get >some lunch?" ALL: (call out comments like: Eww..gross...yuck..ect.) >Gillian stopped, staring unbelievingly at her partner. "How on >earth CROW: Keywords there are "on earth". > can you be hungry after what we just went through. I don't >think I'm ever going to eat again." TOM: The perfect idea for a weight loss program! MIKE: Somehow I just don't think it would work. >"I don't know how, I'm just hungry and not for any of that fancy >restaurant crap either. I want some real food. You know, >McDonald's, Burger King, something like that." ALL: (shocked) *REAL* food?!?!?! >"I can't believe you're saying this. You never eat that junk. >What has gotten into you?" CROW: I don't want to know. >"I think it's more a matter of what I've gotten in to if you know >what I mean. MIKE: Not really. > This body doesn't seem to be interested in following >my health food regime. It needs some grease and the sooner >the >better." TOM: (Homer Simpson style drool) Ahhh, grease.... >"Fine, far be it from me to stop you from trashing what looks like >a perfectly fine body. CROW: Hmmm... > You're the one who's got to live in it >after all. I think there's a burger joint across the street." CROW: He needs a burger fix. >As they headed out David stopped, suddenly remembering >something. MIKE: Where he put his keys? TOM: His girlfriend's birthday? CROW: Where the TV remote control went? >"Uh, Gillian, stop me if I'm wrong but last time I checked >McDonald's didn't take Visa." > >"Don't you have any MIKE: ...brains? TOM: ...comon sense? > money?" > >"No, I gave my last twenty to the cabbie. CROW: (as David) And he never gave me my change! > Check that purse again >will you?" > >"Don't make me look again. You know I've dumped everything >out of >here at least five times. TOM: She did? > I can't believe Scully didn't have any >cash. I'll bet Mulder borrowed it all from her." CROW: Ouch! >"Hey, don't go trashing my character. He's the one who's been >paying for everything so far." TOM: It's not like he has a choice... >Laughing at David's offended expression and the absurdity of >defending some fictional character they'd never even met, MIKE: They've never met 'em, but they *are* them. In a strange sort of way. 'BOTS: (look at Mike) Very strange... > Gillian >dug a wallet out of the purse. "Hey, I've got an ATM card. We >can >use that to get some money." TOM: Knowing Mulder his PIN is probably his computer password. >"I've got one too, genius. There's only one small problem with >that. How are we going to figure out the PIN?" TOM: You should've been listening! >"Maybe we'll get lucky. I did pretty well with the password on >the >computer. Look, Scully's got a phone number written on the >back of >her checkbook here. That's how I keep track of my PIN. ALL: How convienent! > The >number's probably in this phone number. We'll just try different >combinations until we get the right one." TOM: Five years later... >"Sounds good to me. Let's find an ATM." > >The temperature had climbed into the high 90s and they both >felt >decidedly wilted CROW: Somebody forgot to water them. > by the time they reached the ATM. Inserting the >card, Gillian tried one combination of numbers after another. >On >the third attempt the machine ate the card. MIKE: (as machine) Yum! TOM: You know. I'm kinda surprised that it didn't work. Most fanfics thrive on that sort of stuff! >Gillian turned to David in exasperation, "How can they do that? I >mean, lots of people probably have to make more than three >tries to >remember their PIN. CROW: I think they're using the: "Three strikes you're out" method. > I'm always forgetting mine. How am I going to >get the card back?" TOM: Play a recording of Barney's "I love you.." song. That will make *anything* hurl! >"You probably just have to go in the bank and show some ID but >I >don't think we should mess with it. Let me try Mulder's card >instead." MIKE: Instead of what? Scully's-now-eaten card? TOM: Yup. MIKE: Oh, just checking. >Since Mulder hadn't left any phone numbers or notes in his >wallet >that might provide a clue as to the number, David just punched >in >random numbers. CROW: At least try to make something out of them. Like UFO would be 8-3-6. > In less than two minutes, the machine had devoured >Mulder's card as well. MIKE: (as machine woosily) Ughhh...I don't feel so good... >They both stared at the machine in silence for several minutes, >hoping that the cards would magically reappear. Resigning TOM: ...from office. CROW: Skinner immediately threw a party. >himself >to another restaurant meal, David grabbed Gillian's arm and >headed >across the street. "Remind me never to swap places with a guy >with >a photographic memory again. CROW: Well, if it's his body...wouldn't it be his brain? I mean, if we get technical about this... MIKE: Crow. Save yourself the headache. CROW: But I'm a 'bot. I can't get headaches. TOM: Trust him on this one Crow... > This is the pits. I'm sure glad I'm >not going to be here when Mulder gets back. He's going to be >seriously pissed." MIKE: It's not like it's *that* hard to get it back. >An hour later, as the couple headed back to the office, the >young >man from the morgue hurried to beat them into the building. >Flying MIKE: Must be an X-File. TOM: Well, he *believed* he could fly. CROW: I don't know whether to make an X-File riff, or sing. >down the basement stairs he rushed through the corridors to an >unmarked door. CROW: Of course! It's better than having a neon sign saying: "Bad Guys in here!" >Krychek looked up from his magazine as the door flew open >with a >clatter. "Shit, where'd you learn that move?" Looking up into >the >young agent's embarrassed face, he thought, TOM: Cerulean Blue...it's like a gentle breeze. > "Jeez, they're >snatching 'em right out of the cradle these days. This kid looks >like he's still in high school." MIKE: No, I bet his IQ was too low to get in. >"Sorry," the 'kid' responded, struggling to catch his breath, "I >wanted to warn you that they're on their way back. You better >get >ready." TOM: We're ready to RUUMMBBLE! >Sighing at the youth's eager enthusiasm, Krychek reached out >for >the packet the kid was holding, "Is this what I think it is?" CROW: (as kid) What? This? Uh, no...this is something of mine. Rather personal. Ya know? >"Yeah, they haven't figured out everything yet but the boss said >to >tell you that this stuff is solid." MIKE: Somehow, I don't think so. >"Fine, message received. Anything else?" He was eager to get >rid >of the kid TOM: Is that some kind of dark foreshadowing? > so he could review the contents of the envelope. > >"Ummmm, yeah, they haven't done much since they left >Skinner's >office. For some reason they went all the way up and down the >elevator six times before they got out in the lobby. TOM: Boy, most people figure that the lobby is on the first floor without any problem. > Then they CROW: Both made a stop at the bathrooms. >stopped at the receptionist's desk but I couldn't hear the whole >conversation. It sounded like Mulder and the receptionist were >making a date TOM: Well, if it looks like a date, sounds like a date... > but then she told him to 'bring the cuffs' so I think >I must have gotten it all mixed up." TOM: You were right about his IQ Mike. MIKE: Yeah, well. I was in High School once. You should *hear* some of the stuff they talk about. CROW: *Only* once?? MIKE: Hey... >Wondering how anybody could grow up in the 90s and remain >so >innocent, CROW: Probably realated to Agent Spender. > Krychek shook his head as he pushed an open notebook >across the desk. "Just add her name to the list ALL: The LIST?!?!? >for all the good >it will do us. If he holds true to form, she'll be history by the >time we finish the background check." TOM: I don't know, the backround looks okay to me...I mean, it's not like you can see any wires or lights or anything. >The kid did as instructed, marveling at the length of the list. >"Wow, did he actually date all these women? I mean like, that's >amazing. What do you think she wants the handcuffs for?" ALL: (sigh and shake their heads) >"Idiots, they're sticking me with idiots. I hate this job," CROW: Com'on even *I* could say it with more feeling. TOM: I hate this job! MIKE: I hate this job!! TOM: (yelling) I hate this job!!!!!!!! CROW: We have a winner! >snarled Krychek. "Look, just finish your report and get the hell >out of here. " > >Squirming under Krychek's glare the kid stuttered through the >rest >of his MIKE: ...speech. Before passing out. > report. "I ran into a little problem with the surveillance >after that. MIKE: (as kid) I mean. How was *I* to know they would have camera's around? > I followed them to the morgue and I was trying to hear >what they said through the doors when I sort of slipped >and....well....I guess you could say, I sort of fell into the room >with them." ALL: (groan) MIKE: I wonder how long he'll live? CROW: Seconds, I think. TOM: Milliseconds. >Krychek sagged unbelievingly in his chair as the kid continued, >"But I think it's ok, really, 'cause I made up a good excuse and ALL: (laugh heartily and Mike slaps his knee) >got out of there right away and I'm sure they didn't notice me >after that. They spent a lot of time at the ATM and then went to >Denny's for lunch. TOM: I really wouldn't call "Denny's" a *fine* restaraunt. > And like I told you, they'll be back in the >office any minute." MIKE: *Any* minute. That could be *hours* from now! CROW: Pick a minute. Any minute. TOM: 10:13pm 11/21/99. >"Please leave," muttered Krychek sounding incredibly weary, >"and >try not to trip over them on your way out." CROW: Yeah. Well he's doing better than Krycheck! TOM: True. At least he didn't run *into* them. >As the kid closed the door, Krychek turned his attention to the >packet in his hands. Tearing it open he quickly scanned the >pages MIKE: I wonder what kind of prosthesis he has in his eyes to allow him to do that. >before throwing it down on the desk in disgust. "What a load of >crap," he swore CROW: I wouldn't really call "crap" swearing. TOM: Well, he coulda' said Bleep! CROW: Bleep? TOM: Sorry. I forgot about the censor. > before picking up the document again to review it >more carefully. > > "Feed the dog/Blue" = leak information to the press, TOM: Since when does Mulder care what the press think? > probably > the Lone Gunmen > > "What about my baby?" = refers to information Agent Scully > must have on her abductors CROW: Rather ironic choice of words after "Emily". > "Feed the fish" = supply false information regarding their > activities to Skinner MIKE: I think he would've figured that out after a year. > "alternate universe" = the bugged premises requiring that >they TOM: ...call the Orkin man. >speak in code > > "equipment she needs" = Unknown, possibly referring to MIKE: ...their need for CAT scans. > necessary surveillance equipment or ID kits. > > Piper/Clyde/referring to themselves in the third >person/second > season: We have not yet deciphered these comments. CROW: Comments? TOM: What about it? CROW: I only see one. > Notify us > regarding additional information as it becomes available. MIKE: You know. That's not half bad. But my respect for them has still dropped a degree. >Throwing the report back onto the desk, Krychek quickly placed >the >headphones back on as he heard the tape machine start. > >"I can't believe you made me eat at Denny's. CROW: I hope you don't mind looking a magazines because that's all you're going to be seeing for a while. MIKE: What? CROW: I thought everybody had magazines in their bathrooms. > I thought the brain >in the jar was disgusting. That was truly gross," Gillian declared >as they made their way into the office. TOM: It might be easier if they just used the doors. >"Hey, it was ok. I mean it wasn't McDonald's or anything but it >was pretty good just the same." TOM: Whoa! Who is he and what did he do with David? >"McDonald's is the standard by which we're now measuring >culinary >excellence? That's it. MIKE: No, not *that*. *That*. That thing right over there! No! I can't take you anywhere. > I'm not letting that body of yours pick >any more restaurants. From now on I'll chose." > >"Yeah, whatever," TOM: No. It's "Sure, fine, whatever." > muttered David as he hurried across the office to >grab the ringing phone on Mulder's desk. In his haste to reach >the >phone he accidentally knocked a two foot high stack of files >onto >the floor. MIKE: See guys, *that's* why we have file cabinets. 'BOTS: Ahh. > Ignoring Gillian's sigh at this further contribution to >the general clutter of the office he answered the phone, carefully >setting his cup of coffee on the corner of the desk. MIKE: Any bets on how long it will stay there. TOM: Two minutes! CROW: One minute! >"Agent Mulder, hasn't Dr. Scully finished that autopsy yet? >Where's the report?" CROW: Nag, nag, nag. That's all he ever does. >David covered the mouthpiece before whispering to Gillian, >"Shit, >it's Skinner. He wants a report on the autopsy. Doesn't this guy >have anything better to do with his day than read reports?" TOM: No, he really needs a life. CROW: Careful. Remember that's what we used to say about Mulder... >Seeing from Gillian's shrug that she wasn't going to be any help >on >this one, David turned his attention back to the phone, "Sir, we >had a little difficulty with that assignment. MIKE: Problems 1, 6, and 14. I got 3x=y for number 6 and I *know* that can't be right! > The body wasn't in >the drawer so I'm afraid Dr. Scully was unable to complete the >autopsy. CROW: (as Skinner) Well, they really need that report. Hmm...we'll just let her do it on you then. > I think this is another case of forces within the >government trying to impede our investigation." TOM: (as Skinner) *cough* *cough* Hold on a second. I have to open a window and let this smoke out... >Gillian reached out and tried to grab the phone away from him >while >she whispered CROW: (as Gillian/Scully) I will not kill him...I will not kill him...I will not kill him. > furiously, "What are you saying? I thought you were >going to be serious. He'll never believe that." MIKE: Actually, that sounds pretty normal for them. > David yanked the >receiver out of her grasp, accidentally knocking his cup of >coffee >across Mulder's desk in the process. TOM: Ha! I win! I dub thee; slave! > Scowling at Gillian he >turned his attention back to the phone call. > >The silence at the other end of the phone was deafening. ALL: Huh? TOM: Beware! Deafening silence! >"Ummm, >sir, are you still there?" MIKE: (as CSM) I'm sorry. Mr. Skinner just stepped out. >"YES, I'm still here. The question is whether either one of you is >going to be here for much longer." Another period of long >silence >was broken by a sigh, TOM: That silence was pretty weak. > "Just make sure you file a Missing Body Form >before you leave for Washington." CROW: I thought they were *in* Washington! MIKE: D.C. >"Yes sir, we'll take care of that right away," assured David, >before hanging up the phone. Gillian, meanwhile, was doing her >best to remove the worst of the coffee mess from Mulder's desk. TOM: Now *neither* of them will have a desk. At least, a *good* one. >"Don't blame me for this mess," she exclaimed turning the slide >projector upside down to drain out the coffee inside. What >looked >like TOM: ...but were *actually* something quite different. > hundreds of coffee saturated slides came sliding out with the >liquid, CROW: Never forget to check you slide projector for slides! > dropping in clumps on the desk and the surrounding floor. >"You shouldn't have left the cup sitting there like that. Damn, >it's in the drawers and everything. Did you have to get the >jumbo >size?" TOM: He drinks jumbo sized and is *still* that emotionless?!?! CROW: Boy, I'd hate to see what he's like in the morning *before* his coffee! >David reached out to help, snatching the red cloth she was >using >from her hands. MIKE: Whoa! Where did *that* come from? > "Stop your griping. I made the mess. I'll clean >it up." He shook out the cloth, attempting to find a corner of it TOM: Little did he know...the cloth was actually round. >that wasn't already saturated, splattering Gillian, himself, and >everything in a ten foot radius with little drops of coffee in the >process. MIKE: So the few papers that were still clean were now spotted. >Gillian glared at him for a moment before she grabbed at the >cloth >in an effort to reclaim it before he could do any more damage. TOM: Back!! Back!!! I have a cloth and I'm not afraid to use it! > A >tug of war ensued, finally ending when the cloth ripped, leaving >both parties collapsed on the floor. CROW: WOO HOO! PARTY DOWN!!! > Gillian grabbed at Scully's >desk on her way down, in an effort to break her fall, but only >succeeded in pulling the computer monitor down with her. MIKE: Ouch. I hope her abs are strong! > David >scrambled to his feet, knocking file folders out of the way, and >rushed over to make sure she was alright. TOM: (as Jim Carrey) Alrighty then! >"Oh Gillian, I'm really sorry. Are you hurt?" It took him a >moment to realize that the reason she was shaking so hard was >that >she was laughing hysterically. CROW: Yep! She's lost it. > Reaching out a hand he helped her >to her feet. MIKE: Where exactly are her feet that she needed help getting to them? >"Oh god David, look at this mess. I can't believe we did that." TOM: She doesn't believe *anything*! >David started to chuckle, surveying the broken monitor and the >mounds of coffee saturated slides and files. "Do you think we >should CROW: ...apologize maybe? > leave them a note or something? Wait, I know what to do. >I'll write a check to cover the damages," MIKE: With Mulder's checkbook no doubt. CROW: No doubt. > he exclaimed pulling >Mulder's checkbook ALL: Sigh. > out of the puddle in the desk drawer. He slid >back down to the floor, clutching his side and gasping with >laughter. > >He suddenly realized that he was MIKE: ...standing alone in a dark alley. > still holding on to his share of >the coffee saturated rag. Reaching out to throw it in the >garbage >can he suddenly stopped laughing. TOM: *click* See that little switch?... > "Oh shit Gillian, where did you >get this from?" CROW: (as Gillian/Scully) Umm, nowhere. MIKE: (as David/Mulder) Tell me the truth! CROW: (same) I mean it! It just appeared in my hand! >"It was on the back of Mulder's chair," she answered, still >struggling to compose herself. "Why?" CROW: Because. >David spread out the rag on the floor exposing the lettering. >REDSKINS was clearly stamped in large letters across what had >apparently been a football jersey in its former life. ALL: Man.... MIKE: I think Mulder is going to go on a killing-spree after this one. TOM: Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll take out CSM and Diana Fowley. >"Oops," murmured Gillian, looking decidedly sheepish. CROW: She's been a ba-a-a-d girl. TOM: And that was a ba-a-a-d joke! > "Do you >think he'll miss it?" > >David just buried his head in his hands MIKE: He must have pretty big hands. TOM: Or a really small head. > wondering if their >counterparts in this travesty could possibly be creating this >much >chaos in Vancouver. CROW: No, but they're probably under lock and key by now. >"David, forget the jersey. It's history unless you want to try >stapling it back together. What did Skinner say?" MIKE: (as David/Mulder) Olskj fjeow jfe. CROW: (as Gillian/Scully) What??? MIKE: (same) Olskj fjeow jfe!! >"He says to make sure we file a 'Missing Body Form.' I guess >this >isn't the first time this has happened." TOM: They should know! >"You mean he bought that BS about the 'government forces >impeding >our investigation'?" Where on earth do you get this stuff from >anyhow?" MIKE: The script. You should read it sometime. >"Hey, I thought that was pretty clever. Mulder probably gives >him >crap like that all the time. TOM: Sheesh! This show is practically their lives and they can't even fill in for their characters for a few days without wondering whether they would do something or not?! > What's that line about messing with >their heads? TOM: You mean..."Sometimes the need to mess with their heads, outweighs the millstone of humiliation." from "Squeeze"? (Other two turn to stare at him.) TOM: What? > Actually, this is a lot like improvisational theater. >I'm kind of getting into it." >"You are one sick puppy," she chuckled, marveling at his ability >to >find a positive side to their predicament. "Are you sure he said >a Missing Body Form? MIKE: (as David/Mulder) I'm sure! TOM: (as Gillian/Scully) Are you postive? MIKE: (same) I'm positive! TOM: (same) Only fools are positive! MIKE: Are you sure? TOM: I'm positive!-----Do'h! CROW: Did you guys *have* to do that "Ferngully" sketch? > You have got to be kidding. Even the >government can't have such a form." CROW: "Government" and "can't" are rarely found in the same sentence. >"Hell, you're the computer whiz. Check it out." > >Seating herself at Mulder's computer, Gillian searched the >directories for forms. "Whoa, this is weird. There's one here for >'Bodies'. Select human, animal, alien, mutant, or >undetermined." TOM: (as David/Mulder) Hmm, lesse' I know it was a human, but...let's just say "mutant". It's more fun that way. >She hit the key for human. "Male or female? I don't know, we >didn't look. What do you think?" CROW: (chuckling) Him? Think? Let's wait *another* few minutes... >"Well, statistically there are more women than men but the body >was >pretty big. I vote male." > >Punching in 'male', Gillian moved on to the next question, >"Select >missing, MIKE: Uh...."missing"...yeah...that's riiiighttt. >dead, MIKE: No, we just put him in a body bag for the fun of it! >abducted, CROW: Of course! >kidnapped, mutilated, partial, other:" TOM: How 'bout "all of the above". >They continued through the form, guessing at most of the >responses TOM: Thank goodness they can't get fired! MIKE: What?? TOM: Well, think about it. If they were fired, there wouldn't be a show! CROW: Hmm. Interesting point. >having to do with descriptive characteristics until they reached >the end. "Who should we send it to David? There's about a >zillion >choices here." TOM: (as David/Mulder) Ene, mene, miny, moe! That one! >"How about 'select all'? Then everybody who needs it is >guaranteed >to get a copy." David punched CROW: So we've gone from "pushing" to "punching". > in the choice, noticing as he did >that the computer started to click like crazy. "Shit, I hope that's >ok. It seemed like the logical choice." MIKE: For some reason I don't trust his logic. Hunches, yes. Logic, no. >The paperwork completed, a feeling of depression settled over >the >couple. CROW: Insert your own Shippy riff here. > "Gillian, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like if >I stay here much longer there's not going to be any me left. I >think I'm turning into Mulder. TOM: Better than turning into Scully. > We have got to figure out how to >get home." > >She debated not answering, reluctant to concede that she'd >finally >bought into his theory. TOM: Nevermind, Scully's taken. > "I've been thinking, David. CROW: (sarcastic) NO! Not that!!! Anything but that!!!! > When we first >got here we were alone on the elevator. We haven't been alone >on >the elevator since then. TOM: I hope they don't have to wait until "Paper Clip". CROW: (sighs) > Maybe it won't work if other people are >with us." > >Pushing more CROW: ...and more and more and more! Will they ever stop pushing?!?!?! >of the clutter off Mulder's desk to make room for his >feet, David leaned back in his chair. "That's not a bad idea, >Gill. MIKE: Now is Gill with a soft g or a hard g? > Now we've just got to figure out how to keep everyone else >off the elevator for awhile." TOM: Two words David: Fire alarm. > Suddenly abandoning the chair, he >started to search the office, throwing things wildly off of the >shelves. CROW: (annoyed) Oh, sure. We've only broken the computer monitor, spilled a gigantic cup of coffee all over the desk, shredded a professional football jersey, the only thing left to do is knock everything off the shelves! Sheesh! > "I know there's got to be some here." > >"What are you looking for," asked Gillian as she watched David >destroy the little remaining order. > >"That yellow crime scene tape.....Great, I knew they'd have it," MIKE: I think that implies something...but I just can't quite get it. >exclaimed David having finally found a roll buried in a box in the >corner. "Come on, Follow me." MIKE: (Oddworld) Hello. TOM: (same) Hello. MIKE: Follow me. TOM: Okay. >Krychek nearly strangled himself in his haste to remove the >headphones. CROW: Oh, I hate it when that happens! MIKE: What? CROW: You turn your "walkman" on and the volume's all the way up! MIKE: Ouch. > Throwing them on the desk, he jumped to his feet and >started to CROW: ...dance. > pace. Pacing soon grew frustrating as the eight foot >span between the walls left little room for him to walk. His >instructions had been quite clear. MIKE: Clear like glass? Clear like a bell? What type of clear are we talking about here? > He was to stay in the room and >monitor any conversations from their office. Somehow, >Krychek >didn't think TOM: Somehow? CROW: Who cares *why* he didn't think. Point is he didn't! > his superiors envisioned anything quite like the >interchange he'd just heard. > >"Go? Stay? ALL: Sit, lay, roll over; Good boy! > What the hell am I supposed to do now?" he swore, >kicking a cardboard box of tapes out of his path. TOM: He must've walked *through* it the first few times he paced. > "What the hell >does he want with crime scene tape and what on earth were >they >doing in there? God, now he's got me talking to myself." CROW: And it's *just* how he wanted it. Ha, ha, ha! >He moved to the door and slowly eased it open, checking to >make >sure the corridor was clear before he exited. Careful to stay MIKE: He's walking, but he's being careful to stay. That just doesn't add up. >close to the wall, MIKE: Ahh... > he made his way towards the elevator, peering >around the corner to see if they had gone yet. Jerking his head >back suddenly he accidentally slammed it into the wall. MIKE: (smacks his forehead) *This* is the guy who's backstabbing people right and left?! It's a wonder he doesn't trip over his own two feet. > "Shit," he >whispered to himself, rubbing the sore spot, as he tried to make >sense out of what he'd just seen. ALL: Good luck!!! >Gillian stood at the side of the elevator, holding her finger >firmly pressed to the 'Door Open' button, MIKE: I guess it would be gramatically correct to say "press the button" instead of "push the button". TOM: (As Dr. Forrester) Press the button Frank. (normal) No, it just loses it's forebodding. > as she watched her >partner in amazement. Not only had he resisted all her attempts >to >restrain him from this folly, TOM: Unfortunatly he's a bit stronger than she is. CROW: A *bit*? TOM: Just a bit. > he had somehow managed to talk her >into assisting. "Do you practice that 'wounded puppy' look MIKE: What is it with him and all those puppy refs??? > in >front of the mirror?" she'd asked, finally conceding defeat. >David >just grinned TOM: ...like an idiot. CROW: What do you mean; "like"? > and explained what he needed. Her job was to hold the >door open so the elevator would remain in the basement until he >was >done. MIKE: Not much of a job. Bet the benefits and pay are lousy. >David immediately set to work crisscrossing the door with the >crime >scene tape, CROW: Great! Now all we need is a crime. TOM: Oh, don't you worry about that! Heh, heh, heh. > alternating between the top and the bottom, pausing >occasionally to loop the ends through the railing which circled >the >interior of the car. MIKE: Whoa! You have to do the limbo or hurdle to get out of the elevator! > Apparently deciding that one or two strands >would be insufficient to his needs, he was busy weaving a >complex >pattern CROW: ...of lies? TOM: Wrong character. > that would leave most spiders jealous. Gillian sighed with >relief when the roll of tape ran out after the fifteenth pass, TOM: She's *counting*?!?! >effectively ending the exercise. Throwing the empty roll back >into >the hallway, CROW: ...and hitting Krychek in the head. > David signalled to her to release the button. Before >she could comply his hand reached out to stop her. MIKE: (as Gillian/Scully) Make up your mind! >"Wait, don't let go yet. We've got to figure something out first. >Were we going up or down when we arrived in this universe?" TOM: Cool! Anti-gravity! >"What do you mean were we going up or down? We were on an >elevator >that didn't go anywhere. CROW: (as David/Mulder) Oh yeah. Duh! > Our only options were open and close." > >"No, no, you're missing the point. TOM: It's not that the elevator couldn't go up or down, it's whether it was going up or down. OTHER TWO: What?!?!?! > I know our elevator didn't go >anywhere. What was this elevator doing when we got here?" > >"It was stopped at the sixth floor. Remember, we arrived just >before the door opened." MIKE: Then the words "To Be Continued" flashed across the screen. >"OK, then that's our goal. Sixth floor here we come," cried David CROW: Why is he crying? MIKE: It's "cry". Like a battle cry. CROW: Why would a battle be crying? MIKE: Forget it. >as he punched the button for the sixth floor. "I think I've got >this situation all under control now." CROW: Now it will all fall to pieces infront of your face. > Looking at the maze of >crime scene tape and the coffee stains covering his suit, Gillian >remained skeptical. TOM: I think there's a type-o there, it should be "Scully". >The elevator moved smoothly upward until it reached the first >floor. The doors opened despite David's frantic efforts to keep >on >shutting them with the 'Door Close' button. A large crowd of CROW: ...headhunters. >people stood waiting impatiently for the elevator. MIKE: Few people wait patiently for *anything*. > They stared >with open mouths at the couple and the crime scene tape. >David and >Gillian breathed huge sighs of relief as the doors started to >close. The relief was short lived as a hand suddenly blocked >the >closing doors. MIKE: Hello Thing! >"What the hell is going on here Mulder," Colton yelled, obviously >pissed. CROW: Remember what they say: It's better to be pissed off than...(notices Mike and Tom staring hard at him.)..um..well I'm sure you can figure it out... > "Get this tape out of my way." His efforts to enter were >unsuccessful as the sticky tape resisted his attempts to remove >it >from his path while still managing to stick to his suit. TOM: Oh I hate it when that happens! >"Sorry, no can do," responded David kicking at Colton's foot MIKE: So I'm guessing he didn't hit it or it would've read "...kicked Colton's foot." >which >was blocking the door. "As you can see, this is a crime scene. >No >entry allowed until all the evidence is collected." TOM: Lint ball! CROW: Fingerprints! MIKE: It was the bellhop! 'BOTS: It's been done Mike. > Gillian stood >quietly observing at his side, content to let David try to dig them >out of this mess he'd created. ALL: Ewww. >"What fucking crime scene you asshole? The only crime I see is >that you've somehow coaxed your partner into joining you in the >loony bin." TOM: I don't think it's something you can press charges for though. CROW: Sure you can. As long as you have enough money to pay the lawyer. TOM: I rest my case. >David, seemingly unperturbed by this outburst, responded in >calm >tones, MIKE: No offense, but how *else* does he talk? > "This elevator is already at capacity. There's no room for >any more passengers." TOM: Small elevator, only fits two people. >"Bullshit," screamed Colton going red in the face. The rest of >the >crowd watched the exchange in awe, clearly enjoying this >diversion >from the Monday routine. CROW: Yeah, like that time this guy went "postal" and... MIKE: We know Crow, we know. >"No, it's true. You probably can't see them because you're not >open to extreme possibilities. They're all invisible." With a >final kick and a strong shove, TOM: Not as strong as Gillian's I bet. > David knocked the flustered Colton >to the ground. TOM: I guess it was. > The doors slid closed before he regained his feet. >Just before the doors closed they heard Colton shout, "You jerk, >serves you right that your car got towed. I hope you never get it >back." MIKE: Okay. So far Mulder has lost: His phone, lots of money, his ATM card, his jersey, any paper document in his desk, those slides, maybe his desk, his computer monitor, his car... TOM: Let's not forget what he's going to get. CROW: That being? TOM: In lots of trouble from various people *including* his boss. >Gillian and David sagged against the far wall in exhaustion. >"You >don't suppose it's going to stop at every floor do you?" Gillian >groaned as she felt the elevator start to slow once more. TOM: It probably will. >David's initial delight that all he'd have to deal with at this >stop were two women turned to terror when he recognized one >of the >women. MIKE: There's just something *wrong* with a guy who's terrified of women. > "Bonnie, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on >the first floor." TOM: And he's supposed to be in the loney-bin. So? >Leaning against the door frame, effectively blocking Gillian's >efforts to close the door, Bonnie surveyed the scene with >obvious fascination. "Soooo, Muuullderrr, what kind of crime >are you >investigating?" CROW: (wearily) Not again... > The woman who had been waiting with her giggled >and whispered something in Bonnie's ear. TOM: (whispering) pss, psh, pst. MIKE: What'd you say? CROW: He SAID: pss, psh, pst. > Bonnie looked quickly >from her friend to David before her eyes settled on Gillian. CROW: I'm surprised they didn't roll off Gillian onto the floor, being round and all. >Turning her attention back to her friend she said, "You told me >that was at night. TOM: Yeah, well. You *don't* have to tell us! > Even he wouldn't try that during the middle of >the day when Skinner's around. He's kinky but not that kinky." ALL: Yuck! >David looked to Gillian in a panic at this latest revelation of his >character's idiosyncracies. Neither of them had any doubt what >the >"that" was to which the two women were referring. MIKE: And neither did we, so let's get past it already! > David wondered >how many more of Mulder's old flames he was going to have to >deal TOM: ...in. CROW: Well, if they'd all called and let him know who was coming to the game... >with before they got out of here. Despite the urgent need to >displace the woman and get the elevator moving again, David >found >himself reluctant to go anywhere near Bonnie. MIKE: Two feet!!! That's my personal space! Don't you *dare* invade my bubble! >"You bastard," she hissed, TOM: Whoa! There are a lot of snake-people in this one! > suddenly turning her attention back to >him. "You told me there was nothing going on between you and >Dana. >I should have known better." TOM: Only in 'shipper dreams lady! > Gillian decided at this point that >she'd had her fill of Bonnie and company. Planting her foot on >Bonnie's well rounded derriere she gave a firm push. Bonnie >went >sprawling as the elevator doors closed once again. MIKE: I'll say it again... ALL: You *go* girl!!!! >"Way to go, Gillian. I didn't know you had it in you," CROW: Well, she got tired of pushing him around. She was looking for a challenge. > David >chortled, delighting in this whole new side of his co-worker. >"You >showed her who was boss." TOM: Yeah! She's the woMAN! >Shaking her head she responded, "Well, it was pretty clear who >wasn't the boss. CROW: And it's a hit!!! TOM: Ouch! And a pretty good one at that. > I think we'd better get you out of here before >these women eat you alive. It appears that Mulder plays in a >whole >different league than what you're used to. MIKE: Yeah, David's still playing Triple A. > These aren't screaming >teenagers asking for autographs." > >The digital readout quietly clicked from 2 to 3 with no sign of >stopping. "Wow, Gill, look at that. We made it past the third >floor, no problem. CROW: (sarcastically) Yay! Only another three floors to go! > Maybe this will work out after all." No sooner >were the words out of his mouth than the elevator began to slow >again. ALL: Of couuurssse. >"Thanks a lot David. Don't you know you're tempting fate saying >things like that." Preparing themselves for the worst they waited >for the doors to open. The little, grey haired lady who greeted >them seemed to be MIKE: ...from Passadeena. > unfazed by the complex tapestry of crime scene >tape and the sight of the rumpled, coffee stained passengers. CROW: She probably wasn't wearing her glasses. >"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, I was just coming to your office to >deliver your TOM: ...pink slips. > tickets. You've saved me a trip." She reached >through the tape, handed David a packet of airplane tickets and >left without a backward glance. CROW: Alright! Sea-Tac here we come! MIKE: Hey! Maybe they'll be able to ride in that tramway there! > Gillian and David stared at each >other in disbelief as the doors closed once again. TOM: Wow! Common disbelief. That's an X-File in itself! >The elevator had barely resumed its upward progress when >David >suddenly TOM: ...went insane. CROW: Too late. > reached out and hit the Emergency Stop button setting off >the alarm. MIKE: No mommy. I don't wanna' go to school! > "I can't take this anymore Gill. I'm never going to be >able to get in an elevator again. CROW: He has "elevaphobia". > I think this isn't quite as >under control as I hoped." He sank to the floor utterly >exhausted. TOM: Man, hitting that button just took all his energy. >"Come on David. How much worse can it get?" The look in his >eyes >said it all. CROW: Great! Now *he's* telepathic. TOM: Hey Crow! Read this thought-----. > "Never mind, don't answer that question. What do you >propose we do instead? MIKE: (as Gillian/Scully) Uh, don't answer that question either. > We can't stay here forever. That bell will >drive me crazier than you do." TOM: Must be *some* bell! > She joined him on the floor >reaching out to take his hand in hers. ALL: Awww..... >David shrugged, fighting the urge to give up completely. "Can't >we >just rest here for awhile? I don't know about you but I'm beat." MIKE: He really needs to work on his endurance. >"Sure," replied Gillian patting his hand. "Hey, I've got an idea. >Why don't you write a note to Mulder and explain everything? >Otherwise, he's going to be really confused when he gets back." TOM: Not to mention really, really, *really* mad. CROW: I think he's going to be mad anyway. >Since it made a welcome diversion from their current situation, >David rapidly agreed to the plan. Gillian dug some paper and a >pen >out of her purse MIKE: Um, I just thought of something. Since when does Scully have a purse? > and handed them to David who immediately started >to write. "Oh, be sure to tell him how much I like the sweater >and >give him the name of that little cafe we found." CROW: (sarcastically) Yeah, he and Scully can visit it once the shippers rule the world! >David laughed at the vision of Mulder's reaction to Gillian's >comments but made the notations as requested. He was just >winding >up the letter TOM: That leaves a *really* funny picture...winding up a letter. > when the cell phone in Scully's purse started to >ring. Unsure of what to do Gillian decided to answer it. MIKE: That was a good idea. CROW: Yeah, it's always a good idea to answer a ringing phone. > always claim it's a wrong number.> > >"Hello," she answered tentatively. > >"Agent Scully, what the devil is going on?" She groaned, >recognizing MIKE: ...Captain Picard's voice. > Skinner's voice. CROW: Close enough. TOM: (as Gillian/Scully) I'm sorry sir. You have the wrong number. >"Going on? What do you mean sir?" > >"I've got people screaming at me right and left about you two. CROW: (as Skinner) Something about a "hallway scene". >Where the hell is Mulder? His cell number keeps saying the >user is >unavailable." MIKE: Well, seeing as he's trapped in an alternet reality...I'd say that makes him "unavailable". TOM: I don't know...their cell-phones have the longest service area I've ever seen! >"Umm, I think that's because his phone broke, sir. He hasn't had >a chance to replace it yet." > >"AGAIN? THE BUREAU CAN'T AFFORD TO REPLACE THOSE >DAMN PHONES ALL >THE TIME. PUT HIM ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!" MIKE: (as Gillian/Scully) Okay, if you insist. Hey David! Come over here and sit on the phone. >David initially resisted Gillian's efforts to hand him the phone, >having heard Skinner clearly from across the elevator in spite of >the continuing racket the alarm was making. TOM: So he hears clearly. Does that mean he sees sharply? MIKE: You know. That actually could work! > The look on her face >decided him. CROW: No telepathy needed for *that* one! > Skinner on the phone was definitely preferable to >dealing with her anger in person. Quickly tucking the letter into >his MIKE: ...shoe. TOM: People actually *do* that??? MIKE: I used to all the time! BOTS: Eww... > pocket he took the phone. > >"Hello?" > >"Agent Mulder, what the hell do you mean sending that bloody >form >all over the place?" TOM: (as Skinner) Now there's blood all over my suit, the office rugs, people's hands. CROW: (as Macbeth) Is this the report I see before me? The staple towards my hand? Come, let me read thee! >Momentarily confused as to what Skinner was referring to, >David >struggled to come up with a suitable response. Suddenly >remembering MIKE: ...his lines. > the clicking computer he responded, "Well, I wanted to >make sure everyone who needed a copy got one." > >"Since when does the President need copies of Missing Bodies >reports. MIKE: You'd think he would've seen "President" on there! > You know better than to hit 'all'. You sent that damn >form to every government office in the country. MIKE: Hmm...Sending an evil form to the government, it's either terrorism or the government's into things which I'd rather not know. > I just got off the >phone with the MIS director. CROW: Missing hIs Sanity? TOM: My Intelligence Sucks? MIKE: Missing In Stupor? > He's screaming for your head. MIKE: What type of platter does he use? > Do you >realize what this is costing the bureau? CROW: Trees man! Think of the trees! All that paper! > Not to mention the fact >that the CIA is now in on it and setting up there own >investigation >to find Fletcher." TOM: Certinally Insane Agents? MIKE: Calvary In Absence? CROW: Censoring Is Annoying? MIKE: ...Crow. >David was flabbergasted. The elevator was beginning to seem >like >a very cozy place CROW: I'm not touching that one. > compared to the possibility of having to deal >with Skinner in this state. MIKE: He could try Flordia instead. > Gillian, having overheard the whole >diatribe, waited anxiously to see what David would say in >response. CROW: I think the best pharse to use in this situation would be: "Bite me!". TOM: You think that of *every* situation! CROW: Well, it's true! >"I'm sorry sir. I guess I made a mistake," answered David MIKE: Wrong answer! > deciding >to try the honest way out. CROW: So he's using "honesty is the best policy."? TOM: No, it's "appology is policy" not honesty. > Somehow any attempt to come up with >another explanation failed him. He >could >hear some background disturbance MIKE: I think we're going to have to keep it down over here... > at Skinner's end of the >connection. MIKE: Never mind. >"MULDER," Skinner yelled, nearly breaking David's ear drum. >"What >is this nonsense Colton's telling me about you blocking the >elevator with crime scene tape? CROW: (as David/Mulder) Well, we didn't have any toilet paper sir. > Do you have any idea what sort of >disciplinary action you're looking at here?" MIKE: If he was a School student, he'd have more detention days then school days. >Groaning as he realized that Colton must have taken the stairs >to >the sixth floor, David responded, CROW: (as David/Mulder) Bite me! > "Not really sir. Does it have >anything to do with a woman named Bonnie?" CROW: At least he still has a sense of humor. TOM: It's gonna be the only thing he has when this is done! > Not waiting for >Skinner's reply he severed the connection dropping the phone >on the >floor. "We're doomed. MIKE: Thank you C-3PO! > We're never going home. Skinner's going to >put me in a cell with Tooms, MIKE: I'm sure he'll be able to "squeeze" in. BOTS: (groan) >the bugs, TOM: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! > and the sewer slug. MIKE: Sounds like one of the things the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would fight. > I can >see it all now. My life is over. TOM: Well, you have to have one to begin with... CROW: Oh, give the guy a break. He's trying to wallow in self-pity! > God, what I wouldn't give right >now for some simple problems like overzealous fans." TOM: In that case...Hey David!!! >Gillian knew that he was due for the lion's share of Skinner's >wrath and sympathized with his plight but was growing CROW: She must be one of those late-blomers MIKE: Not again! >increasingly >anxious to get the elevator moving again. "David, we have to >get >going." > >"No we don't. We don't have to go anywhere. I'm staying here >forever." TOM: (slightly sarcastic) Being in a fictional world, he now doesn't have to drink, eat, or go to the bathroom. CROW: They never have to go to the bathroom! TOM: My point! >She stomped her foot, frustrated with his continuing >obstinence. >Ignoring his protests, she turned the Emergency Stop button to >release it and hit the button for the sixth floor. David started MIKE: ...his engine. CROW: Uh...I think that was my line Mike. MIKE: Sorry. >to reach for it again but stopped when she blocked his path. >"Look, I don't know any other way to say this, but I've got to go >and this place doesn't have the necessary facilities." ALL: TMI, TMI!!! CROW: I forgot, what's that stand for again? TOM: Too Much Information! >As the meaning of what she'd said hit him, he broke into TOM: ...several pieces. >a grin as >he teased, "Didn't you go before we left home?" He immediately >sobered as the elevator started to slow for the sixth floor. They >both faced the rear of the elevator, CROW: Hey! That's not proper elevator etiquette! > figuring that Skinner wouldn't >be so hard to take if they didn't actually have to look at him. MIKE: Now all they need to do is whimper and cry like puppies. CROW: Shouldn't be too hard for *him*. >The sudden burst of blue light caught them by surprise. Hardly >daring to hope they looked at the elevator doors. The crime >scene >tape was gone. MIKE: Along with their sanity. >David dropped to his knees and kissed the floor of the elevator >as >Gillian pushed the green button. TOM: Anyone have any "pushing" jokes, now's the time to use them..(silence)....I didn't think so. > As soon as the doors opened >Gillian rushed out followed by David crawling on his hands and >knees. CROW: I know he's happy to be back, but *crawling*?! >"Cut," screamed the director. "What are you two doing now? I >quit. MIKE: You can't quit! You're fired! TOM: You had a tough childhood, didn't you Mike? >I can't work with these amateurs." Neither Gillian or David paid >him any attention as he stomped off the set. TOM: I bet he was the guy cast to do the T-Rex footfalls for Jurassic Park. >Gillian ran past the startled crew members, headed for the >bathroom. CROW: Sadly her sense of direction had not improved any and she found soon found herself on a deserted highway. > David, ignoring a camera man's attempt to talk to him, >rushed out the soundstage door. In his rush to reach his trailer MIKE: He was pulled over for speeding? >and check on Blue he collided with a young girl coming from the >opposite direction. ALL: (say things like: Ooh, ouch!, that had to hurt!, He flattened her, Oww,) >Stopping to help her to her feet, CROW: I've heard of getting your socks knocked off, but "feet" is a bit of a strech! > he reached down to pick up her >glasses and the photograph that had fallen on the ground. The >girl >shyly placed the glasses back on her face MIKE: That's good. I woulda' been worried if she put them on her arm or something. > before taking the photo >from his hand. She stammered several times before she found >the TOM: Cue card. MIKE: Maybe she needs to update her glasses. >courage to speak, "I..I..I'm so s..s..sorry. I didn't see you CROW: That's a definite on the glasses! > and >now you're probably m..m..mad. I know I'm not supposed to be >here >but I just think you're so awesome and all and I was hoping that >maybe you'd like autograph my picture. TOM: What's the magic word? > Please." TOM: Wow, an interactive story! >David stopped the security guard who had suddenly appeared >on the >scene MIKE: Ever notice that security guards are never there, but just *appear*? BOTS: Yeah.... > and was preparing to escort the flustered teenager from the >lot. Taking the photo back from her trembling hand CROW: She really needs to cut down on the sugar and caffeine > he asked, "What >do you want me to put on it?" TOM: A blank check? MIKE: Nice try Tom. >Her eyes were shining as she responded in a quaking voice, ALL: (bounce around in their seats like they were in an earthquake.) >"Could >you put 'To Betsy' MIKE: I'm guessing our author doesn't know anybody by the name of Betsy. > and sign it 'Love, David'?" > >"No problem," he replied signing the photo with a flourish that >ended on the swimsuit. TOM: (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder what the picture was of. > Handing it back to her, he caught her by >surprise when he MIKE: ...turned into a woman. > gently lifted her chin and planted a soft kiss on >her forehead. "You're like a dream come true sweetheart." CROW: (dissapointed) She melted! > The >security guard caught the swooning teenager MIKE: Good thing he did too! Pavement and heads don't go well together. > as he left. TOM: I wonder....self-insertion? ALL: (think a moment) ....Nah!!! >THE END....or is it? MIKE: It can't be! They haven't killed a bunch of nameless people! TOM: Or that kid! CROW: Or somebody's close relative! > Have their problems really ended or are they >just beginning? What have Mulder and Scully been doing in >Vancouver all this time? MIKE: Trying to find a way out? > Can Gillian's marriage be saved? TOM: Tune in next time for "As the People Switch". > Will >Mulder be able to pay his VISA bill? ALL: NO! > How will they explain the >crime scene tape to Skinner? TOM: Denial! MIKE: Deny what? > Will Krychek quit the spy business >and open up a fast food restaurant in Milwaukee? MIKE: I wouldn't eat there! > Does Scully >figure out how to take one of the swimsuit pictures back with >her? CROW: No, but she found one off of "Rolling Stone"! >Just what punishment did Bonnie have in mind and will Mulder >get >the chance to find out? MIKE: As long as we don't. I don't care! > Will the CIA locate the missing corpse? TOM: Eventually...yeah. >Will Mulder survive the loss of his precious Redskin's jersey? CROW: ....that's a tough one.... > How >long until Skinner retires? MIKE: Days! CROW: Hours! TOM: Seconds! > And, the sixty four million dollar question.. TOM: In that case, forget the blank check!!!! >...just what did David put in the note to Mulder???? MIKE: You know...I actually want to know the answer to that one! TOM: Um, Mike? You're starting to scare me... CROW: (scoots away from Mike.) > For >answers to these and other exciting questions MIKE: Like: "The name of the kid and how he survived." TOM: And: "How they will get their cars back!" CROW: Of course we can't forget: "How Scully's rational explination as to why she spent three nights at Mulder's place!" > watch your >neighborhood newsgroup. The new thriller, RoundAbout, >coming to a >screen near you, later this spring. CROW: That's really soon, isn't it Mike? MIKE: I'm afraid so. >Keep those e-mail messages coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (as they exit, TOM: A square? Where did that come from?) MIKE: Well, we made it through another one! TOM: Yup. CROW: Uh, huh. ALL: (stand silently for a moment, then rush for their computers and start playing again.) MIKE: Ha! Take that! CROW: Oh yeah?! TOM: Die!Die!Die!Die!Die! (Mad lights) MIKE: (slaps the button) Yes? PEARL: (observing Mike and Bots) You guys really need to get a life! (Bobo walks in) BOBO: Oh, wow! What game is it? MIKE: Uh, it's "Super Slash 'Em"! BOBO: (cuts infront of Pearl) Ooh, have you found the quatum shield yet?(Brain Guy walks in.) BRAIN GUY: Froget the shield, did you get the Laser of Death yet? It will go through the quatum shield! (cuts infront of Bobo) PEARL: (can bearly be seen, muffled) Would one of you push the button!? MIKE: You mean "press" the button don't you? TOM: Or hit the button. CROW: Or slap the button. MIKE: You see *push* is so out of date and... PEARL: One more word and I'll cut the power to the computers! ALL: (freeze in terror) MIKE: Um, push is fine with me. TOM: Yeah. CROW: Sounds great. PEARL: (has made her way back to the front) Good! Bobo? FWOOOSH! (We hear a laser zapping and then two explosions. Tom's voice: YES! (innocently) What? No, put down the chair. Put down the chair. AHHH!!! ) STINGER: "You haven't met him yet. Never mind." Just in case I will repeat the disclaimer. And this time it's in offical tones: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved All characters and/or products used here are copyright to their respective creators and/or owners. No infringement on any of the above mentioned is intended. This is for entertainment purposes only. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), situation(s), or anybody who might believe they are, are intended or should be implied. Inpersonal ones are just that. Impersonal, and in jest only! Thanks for reading!