>From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:09 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!usenet.ee.pdx.edu!newsrelay.netins.net! solaris.cc.vt.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 1/8 Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:13:41 GMT Organization: # 57776 Lines: 781 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5sj5$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25829 alt.tv.mst3k:42239 [SOL - Mike is standing in front of a lavatory and mirror behind the console. He's in a bathrobe, with a copious amount of lather on his face, and he's attempting to shave with a straight razor. Steam is coming from a shower stall, which has a Gypsy-shaped silhouette inside. Tom, wearing a towel and shower cap, is standing in front of the stall] SERVO: C'mon, Gypsy, get a move on, willya? GYPSY: (from inside shower) I'm almost done, Tom. SERVO: Well, you're using all the hot water! GYPSY: Bite me! [Crow emerges from beneath the sink, sans his top headpiece. Mike jumps] MIKE: *Dyah!* Geez, Crow, give me some warning next time! You almost made me decapitate myself! CROW: Sorry, but I *gotta* find my head thingy. MIKE: [Sighs] Oh, hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here, high up in the Satellite of Love. Sorry about all this, but we kinda overslept, and we're a little bit behind. CROW: Yeah, apparently, someone forgot to set the alarm last night. [looks at Tom] *Not* that I'm naming any names! SERVO: Hey, *I* wasn't the one who insisted we stay up until 3:05 just to watch "Goodbye Charlie" on the Superstation! CROW: It's a good movie! SERVO: It's "Switch" without the wit and sophistication. Or Jimmy Smits CROW: Well, I only started it so I wouldn't have to watch you try to figure out "Myst" one more time. [Water sound stops] GYPSY: Mike, throw me a towel please MIKE: Sure [tosses one over the stall] As you can see, we're not at our best this early in the day. CROW: I'll say. Gimme a cup of that sweet hot java to get me going. GYPSY: [emerges from the stall with the towel wrapped around her head] All yours, Tom. [Tom dashes in, and the door slams] MIKE: We should be done in just a few minutes. [Breathes on mirror, then wrinkles his nose] Ugh! Morning breath! SERVO: [from inside shower] *What the*... Oh, this is disgusting! [Door opens] Crow, get this, this *item* out of here! CROW: MY THINGY! [Runs forward and knocks into Mike] MIKE: *Yargh!* [grabs neck as blood starts spurting and commercial sign flashes] We'll be back - after I get some first aid. *Gypsy* where's the peroxide? Commercials - 1) SAAAAAAAAILLLLL AWAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!! 2) More stand-up shows than you can shake a llama at 3) The Puttermans all get together and pummel the Energizer Bunny to death [SOL - everyone is dressed, except Crow, whose headpiece is soaking in a bowl. Mike has a huge bandage on his neck] CROW: All I'm saying, Nelson, is that you're the only one around here with hair, so I think *you* should have cleaned it off instead of just telling me to soak it in bleach. MIKE: *Sorry*, Crow, but I was a little busy trying to stem the blood tide. CROW: Aw, ya baby, it only needed 7 stitches! SERVO: Good thing Gypsy had her sewing kit handy. [lights start to flash] MIKE: Oh, great, now Scrubbing Bubbles is calling. [D13 - Dr. F is sitting behind a desk, with a huge stack of paper in an "OUT" box, and an even huger stack in the "IN" box. He looks beat] DR F: Well, I see you slugabeds are finally up and about. Typical. *I'm* working at 7:00 AM while you just lie around, taking life easy! [SOL - Mike takes Crow's headpiece out of the bleach. Unfortunately, it has- yep - turned white] CROW: Aw, great, I'm going white on top! SERVO: Maybe you should get some Grecian formula. MIKE: Maybe just some spray paint or something. (to Dr F) 7:00 AM? Whaddaya been doing, slopping the hogs? [D13] DR F: It just so happens I've been trying to find a new assistant. Running Deep 13 is pretty hard without someone to blame stu - uh, ah, that is help keep track of things. [SOL - Mike and the bots are wearing breathing masks as Mike sprays gold paint on the headpiece] CROW: It's matching nicely. MIKE: Yeah I used that computer at Benjamin Moore SERVO: Hey, Forrester, who'd you dredge up? [D13] DR F: Well, in trying to continue the tradition of "TV's Frank", I placed an ad in in "Variety" for any and all TV actors who are out of work, washed-up, orjust generally stuck in a rut. Unfortunately, it seems every Hollywood hack has applied. [SOL] [Mike has a hair dryer aimed at the headpiece] SERVO: Not too much heat, or you'll crack it. MIKE: Don't worry, these "K-Mart" store brands don't get that hot. CROW: (to Dr F) So who've you seen, guy? [D13] DR F: This morning I've seen Joyce DeWitt, Harry Hamlin, Jamie Farr, Parker Stevenson, Joan Rivers, Kent McCord, and Flip Wilson. Right now, I'm on break, but this afternoon I'm seeing Sonny Shroyer, Greg Evigan, Bonnie Franklin, Jimmy "J.J." Walker, and the Olson Twins. Even worse, all day tomorrow I'm seeing everybody who's ever been a cast member of "Saturday Night Live"! [SOL] [Everyone is laughing] CROW: Oh, that's rich! HAH! Can you see him with "TV's Anthony Michael Hall"? SERVO: Wah-hah-hah! Yeah, or "TV's Nora Dunne"? MIKE: Or "TV's Jay Mohr"? Woo-hooh!! ALL: *"TV's Joe Piscopo"*!! BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!! [D13] DR F: Laugh while you can, guinea pigs! You won't be after today's fanfic. Tell me, does the name "Cooper" mean anything to you? [SOL] [All stop laughing] CROW: Did - did he say "Cooper"? [D13] DR F: How about "Mulder"? "Albert"? "Bob"? [SOL] CROW: (despairingly) Mulder? SERVO: (even more despairingly) Albert? MIKE: (devastated) *Bob*? [D13] DR F: That's right, it's the follow-up to that "Twin Peaks"/"X-Files" crossover, "Into the Woods". It's titled "The Vanished", and it's guaranteed to be at least as weird as its predecessor. [looks at watch] Ah, it's time for my next appointment - [sighs] Dennis Leary. DENNIS LEARY [offscreen]: I think you hear me knockin', science boy, and I think I'm comin' in, and I think I'm bringin' my big bad attitude and my big bad career choices with me!! DR F: It looks like we'll *all* be doing some suffering. Live it up, Dutch Boy! [SOL] CROW: I don't wanna! SERVO: Don't make us! [Lights flash] ALL: TOO LATE!!! IT'S FANFIC SIGN!!!! CROW: Grab my thingy! [6...5...4...3...2...o] CROW: Oh, this is gonna hurt, I just know it! MIKE: Here, this'll help (attaches headpiece) CROW: Thanks, I'm whole again >Path: SERVO: Garden >news.msfc.nasa.gov!pendragon! MIKE: First Knight! SERVO: Forever Knight! CROW: The Dark Knight! > bcm!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net! >agate!uclink.berkeley.edu!madge >From: madge@uclink.berkeley.edu (Peggy Mei-Ling Li) >Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks SERVO: Well, if there's such a thing as "alt tv", "Twin Peaks" definitely qualifies. >Subject: THE VANISHED (repost) >Date: 30 Mar 1995 05:46:31 GMT MIKE: Gmt, Gmzl, Hassenpfeffer Incorporated... >Organization: University of California, Berkeley >Lines: 2129 ALL: NO-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!!! CROW: (sobbing) It's even longer than the last one! MIKE: We may have to deploy the final option this time, guys >Message-ID: <3ldgjn$2tv@agate.berkeley.edu> >NNTP-Posting-Host: CROW: Conan O'Brian > uclink.berkeley.edu >X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] CROW: There's a new version of tin? MIKE: Yeah, they decided tin was losing popularity to other metals, so they upgraded SERVO: You know, they say "Tin '95" is the same as "Aluminum '89" >Status: N > > >Note: This story is an X-Files/Twin Peaks crossover, a >continuation of the story OUT OF THE WOODS. SERVO: Sure, rub it in! > As always, >comments and suggestions are welcome. I may be reached at >madge@uclink.berkeley.edu >Enjoy! > MIKE: Not to be taken internally. SERVO: Do not operate near water CROW: If doctor persists, see your condition > >THE VANISHED - by peggy li Nov. 4-10 1994 CROW: Starring Keifer Sutherland, Jeff Bridges, and Sandra Bullock SERVO: Hey, that means Sandra can be Baconized in one step MIKE: Oh, let's not start that little game again! > THERE WERE DONUTS. SERVO: AND THE DONUTS ROAMED THE EARTH IN THOSE DAYS, AND WERE MIGHTY!! > Three dozen of them, all >arranged neatly on a tray at one end of the long conference table. >Sugary glazed, crumbly old-fashioned, dark rich chocolate, >powdered donuts, white as an angels' wing. CROW: So the point here is that we got donuts? MIKE: Yeah, pretty much, I'd say. SERVO: Yep, those are donuts all right. CROW: Really, really donuts. > Dana Scully sat down across from this display, crinkling her >nose at the sticky sweet aroma. SERVO: Ugh, someone's wearing CK-One! > "Everyone, take a seat." CROW: Oh boy! Free chairs! > Special Agent Dale Cooper sat >near Scully at the head of the table. Mulder sat beside her and >Albert and Truman took seats opposite them. MIKE: No, no, we've got one too many for bridge now. SERVO: Maybe they can play poker > As if he were >presiding over a State dinner, Cooper sat only after everyone else >had taken their seats. They fidgeted quietly as Cooper folded his >hands on the table. CROW: That's what he gets for drawing to an inside straight > "Harry?" MIKE: Yes, aren't we all? > Cooper gestured to the stack of cups that sat on a >sidetable. > "Oh! Sure Coop." Truman moved SERVO: And left no forwarding address. > to give everyone a cup >of fresh coffee from the thermos Albert had provided. Scully tried >hard to sit still and let her eyes wander around the room. CROW: We had this same problem with meandering organs last time. MIKE: I thought you weren't going to - CROW: I'm not. It's just interesting, that's all. > Rustic, >sparse, it still had a woodsy, piney aroma distinct even through the >odors of coffee and donuts. MIKE: Ah, an olfactory wonderland > Scully sipped at her cup and Truman >returned to his seat. She glanced at Mulder, whose face had fallen >into an impassive mask. SERVO: I've asked you kids not to run when I have a face in the oven! CROW: Fox Mulder for Eagles Snacks - Feed Your Face > Scully frowned and reached over to nudge >him when Cooper began to speak. CROW: (as Scully) Honestly, you always fall asleep in these things. > "I've been informed it's been seven days since my >disappearance from Watmok Mercy hospital. And I know you all >are wondering what happened to me over that week." ALL: [together] Oh well - if you don't want to - wouldn't want to *force* you - just rest & take it - peace and quiet - stuff it! > Cooper >stared carefully at his coffee MIKE: Hey, there's a bug in here! CROW: Don't worry sir, it won't drink much. > before taking a small sip and >continuing. "What transpired will certainly sound like a fantastic >tale but I assure you it did occur somewhere in our time and space." CROW: Berlin, 1962 SERVO: The Delta Quadrant, StarDate 48337.4 MIKE: Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen with a Lead Pipe > Everyone waited expectantly, not saying a word. Scully >noted that even Albert paid rapt attention. MIKE: Well, I'm the rappin' agent, and I'm here to say, Twin Peaks is the place we're gonna stay CROW & SERVO: Word! > "I have spent the last seven days in the Waiting Room. SERVO: With only a 1979 copy of "Ladies Home Journal" and half a "Reader's Digest" >There, I confronted...Bob. ALL: [ominously] DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUN > And sent him back to where he came >from." MIKE: Thank God he was still under warranty > Scully shivered, involuntarily, and Cooper noticed her >movement. He leaned towards her and said with a small smile of >gratitude, CROW: Shake it, mama, shake it! MIKE: Now, why do you always do that?!? Why do you always take these innocuous little remarks and make them so... so... CROW: Hey, it's my job, Pink Boy > "I couldn't have done it without your help, Dana." He >leaned back in his chair and addressed the table again. SERVO: That's gonna take a lot of postage. > "Without >everyone's help." > Scully spoke up, along with everyone else. > "Dale..." > "Coop..." > "You are NUTS mister..." ALL: Rhubarb cantaloupe watermelon rhubarb cantaloupe bob bob rhubob > "DALE," Dana said again, louder, silencing the men. CROW: Well, that's just typical! MIKE: Oh, good, Crow, get the women mad at us! CROW: Geez, you're pretty touchy today yourself, Nelson. MIKE: Yeah, well, having my aorta opened sorta does that to me! >"I don't understand. Where did you go? Where did you send Bob? >How could any of us have helped you...?" SERVO: [soap opera announcer] Who did Heather tell about her secret boyfriend? What is the reason for Brick's sudden change of heart? > Cooper sighed, "Dana, you were *there*. Let me try and >explain this to you all in a manner that is clear and direct. CROW: I bet he can't! > Bob was >in the waiting room. He had drawn us all there through our fears. MIKE: Gingivitis? >It was you, Mulder, finding Dana, that set the wheels in motion for >Bob's demise." MIKE & SERVO: (singing) Wheel's on fire, burnin' down the ro-o-o-o-oad... > Mulder, who had been silent this whole time, murmured, >"Finding the *real* Dana." SERVO: (announcer) Find the real Dana, and win a prize package worth $45,000! > "Yes," Cooper nodded, "The love you two share opened a >door." CROW: I hope that's not a Michael Bolton song cue. > Scully tensed in her seat and held out her hands. SERVO: (as Scully) Which one has the M&M's? > She felt a >blush creeping to her cheeks, "Hold on a minute here...Mulder and >I? Love?" CROW: Exciting and new? MIKE: [singing] Come abo-o-oard, we're expecting you! The LOVE Boat - CROW: Mike - MIKE: Crow - > Dana wanted to deck Mulder for the smug smile that >was creeping onto his face. SERVO: Maybe it *is* love! > Surprisingly, it was Albert who spoke up next. "Everyone's >love, Dana. All the goodness and hope that goes along with it. By >binding together, Bob was overwhelmed and thrown back where he >belongs." MIKE: Special Agent Leo Buscaglia, ladies and gentlemen SERVO: I thought this guy was the grouch of the bunch MIKE: Under that veneer of irritating rudeness, Albert's just a big fluffy ball of unbearable new age mush! > "Exactly, Albert!" Cooper thumped his fist on the table and >grinned at Rosenfield. CROW: I wet 'em! > "That simple, Coop?" Truman interrupted. "I have a >feeling he isn't going to take this lying down." MIKE: He should just sit up, and try clear liquids > Cooper sighed again and looked tired, extremely tired. >"Harry, I faced things in that room that I hope never to meet ever >again. CROW: F. Lee Bailey's accountant? MIKE: L. Ron Hubbard personally explaining "Dianetics"? SERVO: Bobcat Goldthwait? > Let me just say that the big dice were rolled...and I fell out >of the mix." SERVO: C'mon, baby, Cooper needs a new pair of shoes! > "You fell into Twin Peaks." > Cooper lapsed into silence once again and Scully wondered >if that was all he would tell them. CROW: Unfortunately, there was more > She was still confused and >uncertain what to make of Cooper's experience, but the fact was >that he was there and he seemed certain that Bob was stopped; that >was good enough for her. MIKE: Actual proof is so bourgeois > Suddenly, there was a knock at the >door. > "Come in," said Truman. > The door opened, revealing a tall man dressed in a deputy's >uniform. SERVO: [campy] I told you never to come see me at work, Phillip! > His strong, handsome features bore his heritage proudly; >Scully surmised that this was CROW: Commander Chakotay? MIKE: Wrong fanfic > Deputy Hawk. > "Someone here to see you," he said, then stepped aside as a >small middle-aged woman with red-rimmed glasses edged into the >room. CROW: Boy, Sally Jesse hasn't aged well at all > Scully noticed something clutched in the woman's arms and >thought at first that it was a child, but once the woman stepped into >the light, she noticed with surprise that it was a log. MIKE: [dreamily] It's my special log. > "Margaret," Cooper said warmly, "how nice to see you." > The Log Lady moved crab-like to Cooper's side SERVO: [singing] Undah tha sea! Undah tha sea-ea! > and he >stood, placing an arm on her shoulder. "What can I do for you?" CROW: Can I get you a match? Some lighter fluid? Maybe a whittling knife? > "You *are* back," she said, glancing over at Scully and >Mulder, obviously nervous around unfamiliar faces, "I knew >because my log..." she fell silent and stroked the piece of tree with >her fingertips. Cooper looked concerned. SERVO: And well he should MIKE: "Lady Pummels FBI Agent to Death - Claims Log Told Her To!" > "How is your husband today?" he asked. CROW: Yew should know. SERVO: Maybe she's pining for him. CROW: Or maybe he's just a son of a birch. MIKE: Wood you two stop? SERVO: Oak kay. > Scully felt her >jaw drop and Mulder kicked her under the table. CROW: Hey, they've broken out into a soccer game! > She turned to >glare at him and noticed that he seemed just as befuddled as she. > "Ever since your return...my husband has been silent. No >more messages. I thought- you should know." SERVO: Oh, and you left your socks in her tree. > The Log Lady >moved to leave the room, but not without a backward, puzzled >glance at Scully and Mulder. MIKE: I bet they get a lot of that. > Scully felt distinctly uncomfortable in >her gaze. > "Thank you, Margaret," Cooper called after her. CROW: Thanks for making our day a little more surreal! > He turned >back towards the table, and noticed the shell-shocked looks from >Mulder and Scully. SERVO: Full Metal Mulder! > "What?" Mulder asked, as Albert began to laugh. > "Welcome to Twin Peaks," he growled, moving out of his >chair. "I guess it's only fitting we end tonight on that lovely note." MIKE: B Natural? CROW & SERVO: AHHHH!! CROW: Don't *do* that! > Sheriff Truman stood also and addressed Mulder and >Scully. "I've got two rooms waiting for you in our finest hotel." MIKE: [as Tom Bodett] They'll leave a light on for ya' > "Wonderful." Scully said, smiling doubtfully. Mulder put >his hand to her back CROW: And she immediately kidney punched him and told him to keep his filthy paws to himself. > and they all filed out of the room, Scully >wondering if anyone else still felt as lost as she did. ALL: DUH! > >[Great Northern Hotel] > Scully slung the duffel higher up on her shoulder as she >unlocked the door to her room. Mulder was opening the door next >to hers and he paused before going in. MIKE: For God's sake, *Don't go in the room!!* > "Scully, Cooper and I are going to have a bite to eat >downstairs later. Would you like to join us?" SERVO: Why, are you coming apart? CROW: Yes! > "Yeah, ok." > "Some place, isn't it?" > Scully looked at the rich wood of the room and the plush, >inviting bed, and had to CROW: Take a cold shower. > agree. "Beats the usual Motel 6." Mulder >laughed and moved to enter his room, but Scully grabbed his arm. MIKE: I hope she used Gentle Pressure (tm) > "Mulder." > "Scully, what?" > "I think we better talk later. Alone." > "I know. We will. After we talk to Cooper." SERVO: Suddenly it's Hemingway. MIKE: To die. In the rain. > "Mulder," Scully hissed under her breath, "that woman was >talking to *a log*!" MIKE: As long as it wasn't talking back.... > "Hey, you noticed that too?" Mulder replied with mock >surprise. "We'll talk later." > Scully pursed her lips and shut the door behind her, >dropping her bag and plunging face-first into the bed. MIKE: 8.9 SERVO: 9.2 CROW: 8.3 MIKE: That's a score of 8.8 for Scully. Next diver, please. > She had a >funny feeling that things were only going to get stranger the longer >she and Mulder stayed in Twin Peaks. She hoped they wouldn't >stay for long. CROW: And we share that hope > Technically, their case was complete, SERVO: Now they're fully qualified Home Interiors displayers > she thought as she >slipped out of her jacket and shoes. Stepping into the bathroom, >Scully jumped at some movement out of the corner of her eye. MIKE: Oh, yuck, she has eye-mites! ALL: EE-E-E-EWW!! > "Just the mirror," she said to herself, staring at her >reflection. She took a good long look at herself in the mirror, some >dark memory tugging at the corner of her mind, SERVO: [as Scully] *Why* did I eat all those donuts? They just go straight to my hips!! > then quickly >undressed and stepped into the shower, drowning out her thoughts >with the splattering of hot water. CROW: Ah, a nice hot shower erases all those nasty old thoughts! > > Mulder felt all shiny and well-scrubbed as he stepped into >the lounge of the Great Northern. SERVO: [singing] Shiny Happy Mulders in the lounge... MIKE: [counterpoint] Shiny Happy Mulders everywhere... > His hair was still wet from the >shower and he had changed into jeans and a flannel shirt. CROW: The FBI's got a grunge division? SERVO: Only at the Seattle office > A few >eyes turned to him from the dance floor, a decrepit-looking band >doing their best to look alive at this late hour. MIKE: Hey, the Stones are in town! > Cringing at the >straining melodies, CROW: Yeah, it's Mick and Keef all right > he spied Cooper sitting at the bar, still in his >suit, his attention focused on something in his hand. MIKE: [Cooper] I just never get tired of reading "Dune" for some reason. That Paul Aretreides really kicks! > Mulder moved to sit next to Cooper and saw that he was >staring at a photograph. It was a grainy photo of a girl holding >books in her arms and smiling. SERVO: It's Patrick Swayze from that "To Wong Foo" movie MIKE: Oh, Leguizamo was much cuter. [bots look at Mike] What?!? > "Audrey Horne," Cooper said quietly when Mulder sat on >the stool next to him. CROW: Not back in the real world a day, and he's already downloading from alt.binaries.celebrities > "She's beautiful," Mulder replied carefully. He could hear >the regret and remorse in Cooper's voice. > "Her father used to own this hotel. He's moved to Tibet SERVO: Her father is Richard Gere? >and Audrey....is dead." > "Cooper, I'm sorry. I can see she meant a lot to you." > Cooper turned to Mulder, his eyes misty, MIKE: [singing, as Johnny Mathis] I get - MiSTie! > "We were friends, >good friends." MIKE: Guess no one told him life was gonna be this way CROW: His job's a joke, he's broke SERVO: His love life's DOA CROW: Literally > Cooper shook his head, trying bravely to smile >through his grief, "She was such a vital young woman, Mulder. It's >a damned shame." CROW: It's a shame she was so vital? > "What happened?" > "There was some sort of explosion at the bank downtown. >Twin Peaks lost a lot of good people there that day." MIKE: I'm telling you, they were right there a minute ago! SERVO: Honestly, if you're not losing the car keys, it's a bank full of good people! > Something dawned on Mulder, SERVO: A little club soda'll get that right out. > "You didn't find out about >this until today?" > Cooper nodded his head and gripped his shot glass. > "Coop...I'm sorry." Mulder placed a hand on Cooper's >shoulder and Cooper raised his glass. > "To those...who are out there." MIKE: This whole *town* is out there! > Mulder found a glass and >sipped, nodding somberly. Cooper then looked over Mulder's >shoulder and added, "And to the living." SERVO: Who will envy the dead! > Mulder turned to see Dana walk down the steps and make >her way towards them. He found himself smiling broadly and >noticed Cooper doing the same. > "Sorry I'm late, guys," Dana said as she reached them, CROW: Have you checked EPT? >sitting down on a stool between them. She noticed the two of them >grinning like fools. > "What?" ALL: We're fools! > Mulder looked down at Dana, dressed in a flowing blouse >and leggings and couldn't stop smiling. SERVO: [as the Tick] Arthur, is this a warm moment, or should we be disturbed? > "Nothing. Glad you could >make it, Scully." > "How much have you had to drink?" she asked warily. CROW: [blearily] I'm not as think as you drunk I am! > "Dana, you are a sight. What'll you have?" > "Uh, thanks Cooper. Nothing for me." In unison, both men >put down their glasses. CROW: And were immediately blind as bats > "How are you two liking Twin Peaks?" > "Oh...the scenery's very nice." Scully replied, neutrally. > "Something's bothering you?" MIKE: Yeah, how do they cram all that Graham? > "I don't think Scully's ever seen a pet log before." Mulder >joked. SERVO: Well, not a *housebroken* one, no. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM http://www.Traveller.COM/~bill Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:10 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!psgrain! newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 2/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:19:18 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 782 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5stm$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25819 alt.tv.mst3k:42237 > "Ah, Margaret." Cooper replied, "Her insights have been >invaluable to me." > "She gets her information from a log?" Scully asked, >aghast. MIKE: [Shatner] CAPtainslog... stardateFOUR... seveneighttwopointFIVE... > "She communicates through the log, Dana. It was a gift >from her husband before he died. They have a table ready for us." CROW: Did they make it from the same tree they got the log from? SERVO: Good thing it's *just* the log, otherwise she'd be known as "The Table Lady" CROW: She'd probably have a hernia from lugging it all over the place SERVO: Or termites > Cooper moved off into the dining room, Scully and Mulder >trailing behind. Mulder noticed that look on Scully's face and >murmured, "Curiouser and curiouser..." MIKE: As Scully fades out, leaving behind only her grin > "Pinch me, Mulder, because I *must* be dreaming....ow!" ALL: HEY!! > "You're not dreaming. Maybe you're delusional." CROW: Yeah, and maybe you're one step away from a lawsuit, buddy! > "I'll deal with you later, Mulder. But right now..." Scully >sat at the table, smiled at Cooper and spoke so he could hear, "I'm >starved." SERVO: Mulder! Cooper! Get out of there! It's a *cookbook*! > Cooper didn't bother to CROW: Knock > open a menu and addressed the >waiter immediately. "I'd like a slice of pie and a cup of coffee, >black." > "What kind of pie would you like?" the waiter asked, >"Today we have..." > Cooper held up his hands, "Surprise me." MIKE: (as waiter) Gimme a slice of cabbage meringue! > The waiter raised his eyebrows but did not say a word, >"And you folks?" > Mulder looked at Scully sideways CROW: (as Scully) Mulder! Get up off the floor! SERVO: [singing] And shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang! > and they replied together, >"The same." > "So," Cooper said after the waiter left with their orders, >"what does the Bureau have planned for Twin Peaks?" CROW: Demolition, man! SERVO: Murderdeathkill > Mulder shifted in his seat and said carefully, "I'm going to >make a report tonight and they are supposed to get back to us in >the morning." > "Do you know who's in charge of this assignment?" SERVO: [as teenager] Mrs.Grundowski in homeroom, man! Bummer! > "No, I don't. We'll know tomorrow." > Cooper nodded thoughtfully, then made room for the plates >of pie that were being placed on the table. > "We've got blueberry tonight," the waiter said snippily, >"surprised?" MIKE: You've got no tip tonight! Surprised? > Cooper took a bite of his slice and looked up at the waiter, >his eyes wide. SERVO: You're no waiter: you're that evil master of disguise, El Morpho! MIKE: I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling agents - and your dog!! > "Young man, I never cease to be amazed at the >miracle that is this pie." > The waiter retreated hastily, leaving Mulder and Scully to >stare at Cooper. CROW: Wouldn't you? > Mulder watched Scully's mouth open and close, then get >stuffed with a forkful of pie. SERVO: So secretly, Mulder wants to tell Scully to "Get Stuffed". MIKE: Better than "Get Bent" > He had to admit to himself that Twin >Peaks was beginning to make him feel a bit off kilter too. Mulder >watched Cooper and Scully chatting and wondered if Coop really >was there, or if he really wasn't at another place. The place with >the red curtains, or...? CROW: The cerise carpeting, or the chartreuse wallpaper, or... MIKE: He's sitting there looking at him and wondering where he is SERVO: With these guys, who can say? > A boy dressed in a porter's uniform approached the table >with a silver slaver perched upon his shoulder. Placing the slaver in >front of Cooper, he stepped aside. CROW: A silver slaver? What, have they crossed over with "Sliders" now? SERVO: Maybe they're in the Man-Kzin wars. > On the tray was a small, black, handheld tape recorder. >Cooper picked it up carefully and turned it over in his hands. MIKE: "Requires 4 AA batteries. UL Approved" >After a second he turned his head to look sharply at the porter. > "Who sent this?" he asked. > "Ms. Horne, sir," the porter bowed, gesturing towards the >lounge entrance. All three heads swiveled at once and Mulder >stopped breathing. CROW: CALL 9-1-1!! CALL 9-1-1!! SERVO: Wait, if he's not breathing, maybe there's no more fanfic. CROW: CALL DOMINO'S PIZZA!! CALL DOMINO'S PIZZA!! > Standing at the entrance to the lounge was a young woman. >She had a shapely figure, deep raven hair, and perfectly arched >eyebrows. MIKE: It's Kirstie Alley as Saavik! > But it wasn't her marvelous beauty that had surprised >Mulder; SERVO: It was the fact she was wearing *his* dress! > whoever this woman was, she looked almost exactly like >Audrey Horne. She began to make her way towards their table. > "Cooper," Scully asked, puzzled, "do you know her?" > Cooper didn't reply but hit the play button on the recorder. >The voice was young, sultry. CROW: Shadoe Stevens, countin' down the hits! > "To my secret agent. By the time you hear this, I will be >gone." MIKE: Real gone, man! Outta sight! > Cooper hit the stop button fiercely and looked up to see the >Audrey look-alike standing across from him. > "Agent Cooper? I'm Constance Horne, manager of the >Great Northern. Audrey's cousin." SERVO: Oh, gag! Not the good/evil lookalike cousin thing again! MIKE: Which one would this be, then? SERVO: She'd - hmm, lemme get back to ya on that. > Cooper stood slowly and swallowed before replying, CROW: [like the Milk Commercial] Aaron Burr! Aaron Burr! >"Ms. Horne...where did you get this?" > "Audrey wanted...before she died, Audrey wanted to make >that for you." SERVO: She made him a tape recorder? Neat! CROW: She was handy like that > Mulder stood also and Scully followed his lead. > "Cooper, I think Scully and I will turn in. Goodnight, >goodnight, Ms. Horne." MIKE: Goodnight goodnight to you, too > The young woman smiled and nodded at Mulder as he >snatched Scully by her elbow to steer her away. CROW: Mulder's just *begging* for an EEOC investigation! > "Mulder," Scully asked under her breath, "what's going on? >Who is she?" > "Upstairs," Mulder replied tersely. SERVO: I thought she was Constance. > > "Please, sit down." > "Thank you." > Cooper lapsed into silence, staring at the black tape >recorder. > "Aren't you going to listen to it, Agent Cooper?" > He looked up sharply. "Tell me about Audrey." SERVO: Tell me about the rabbits, George CROW: The rabbits are not what they seem. > Constance shifted a bit in her seat, her long lashes hooding >her eyes. "She stayed in the hospital for a month...she had lost her >limbs in the explosion. CROW: Oh, brother! > She didn't want to live that way." SERVO: On parts even Kim Basinger didn't want! >Constance looked up and into Cooper's eyes, "I'm sorry about being >so blunt- I just want to tell you the truth." CROW: Because knowing is half the battle > Cooper reached across the table and put his hand upon hers, >"That's all I want to hear." MIKE: That, and maybe some Hootie & the Blowfish > "She- she wanted to leave you something. Her body was >destroyed, Agent Cooper...except for her lips. They remained >perfect... CROW: [as Constance] They're here in this little box > she made this for you before she died. To remember her by." > "As if I could forget," Cooper said, quietly, putting aside >the tape machine and focusing his attention on Constance. On the >living. "Now, tell me about yourself." SERVO: So, live around here much? MIKE: Well, at least he's not wallowing in his grief! > "Me?" Constance smiled and ducked her head shyly. "After >Audrey passed away, Uncle Ben, MIKE: Converted her into rice > Benjamin Horne, he wanted to >leave so...he asked me to run the Northern." CROW: Oh, that's nice! He left her in charge of the Toilet Paper SERVO: Great Scott! > "And it looks like you're doing a fine job." > "I'd like to think so." > Cooper marveled at the great similarity between Audrey and >the woman before him. The resemblance intrigued him, but also >pierced his heart with a sense of danger. SERVO: Which is more sense than he usually has! > Constance smiled at >Cooper's frank stare and Cooper felt his face flush. CROW: Good thing she's the toilet paper queen! > "Are you going to listen to that?" she asked him. > "Umm, I think I'll listen to it when I'm ready." Cooper >replied, discomfited. MIKE: Yeah, when I'm good and ready, lady! > "Oh, I understand." Constance stood and Cooper hastily >rose also. "I just wanted to meet you." > "You did?" > "Goodnight, Agent Cooper." > "Goodnight, Ms. Horne." > "Constance." CROW: Chief? SERVO: McCloud?! > "Constance. And thank you, for this." Cooper patted his >pocket with the tape recorder. Constance blinked slowly and >smiled slightly, SERVO: It's the return of Tom Swift! > "It's what Audrey wanted." > Cooper sunk slowly back into his seat as Constance >departed, and drank the rest of his coffee, thinking. MIKE: [as Cooper] *Showgirls*? Where the heck was my head? > > Scully pursed her lips after Mulder finished telling her the >significance of the appearance of Constance Horne. SERVO: [as Scully] *Another* identical cousin story? > "She is beautiful," Scully said, watching Mulder out of the >corner of her eye as Mulder's eyebrows raised CROW: Hey, he's a mutant: he can levitate his facial hair! > and he said >appreciatively, > "Yeah." Then, catching his tone of voice, busied himself >with the keys to his room. MIKE: Who, me, actually notice someone who isn't an evil occult alien vampire conspirator? Nope, not me, uh-uh! > Scully laughed softly to herself and followed Mulder inside. >She sat on a wooden chair and ran a hand through her hair >as Mulder flopped onto the bed. > "What are you going to say in your report, Mulder?" SERVO: That Laura Palmer's death was the result of a massive government conspiracy involving aliens, and that Bob is the head of it, and he and the Well-Manicured Man are holding my sister hostage along with Shaun Cassidy in Rome, Wisconsin, and cattle mutilations are somehow involved. MIKE: The usual then? SERVO: Yeah, same old same old. > Mulder blew air out between his lips, sighing. "What can I >say, Scully? It looks like Cooper is back." SERVO: And ABC's got him. MIKE: Fox SERVO: Yeah, he's the one! > Scully rubbed the back of her neck wearily, "This is all so >strange. This whole town is so..." CROW: Lynchian SERVO: Freudian MIKE: Dickensian > Mulder propped himself on his elbow and nodded, "I must >admit that I find SERVO: You guilty of love of the first degree. > this place a bit more- colorful- than most places we >end up at." > "Colorful, Mulder?" Scully replied, her eyebrows creeping >upwards, "A regular box of Crayolas- a LARGE box." CROW: Even Burnt Umber? > Mulder stifled a yawn as a reply and Scully pushed herself >out of her seat. MIKE: Ah, the art of conversation is raised to new and dizzying heights! > "I guess I'll leave you to write that report," she said >unenviously, "we can discuss this further in the morning." Mulder >simply waved a hand at her in reply, his eyes having drifted shut. CROW: Boy these FBI guys; once they get an assignment, they just hop right on it! > Scully smiled at his sleepy figure and moved to the door. >Thinking of the darkness that was going to greet her in her own >room, SERVO: The darkness of her quietly desperate life > she hesitated upon the threshold. > "Goodnight, Scully," Mulder called out, startling her. CROW: [as Scully] YAAH! Geez, don't *do* that!! > "Goodnight, Mulder," she replied, turning gratefully at the >sound of his voice. > Mulder rolled off the bed and approached her, surprised to >see her so unnerved. MIKE: A friend of mine from high school had to be unnerved. CROW: Was he OK? MIKE: Yeah, after they found a good unneurological surgeon > "What is it?" he asked, concerned. CROW: Is it bigger than a breadbox? SERVO: Is it known for its work in the theater? > "I don't know Mulder," Scully replied, MIKE: Well why are you talking to him, then? > fidgeting with the >door and glancing over to her own, "nothing. Pleasant dreams." >She gathered herself CROW: From around the hallway > and pulled her key out of her pocket. > "You too," Mulder replied, leaning against his door. Scully >didn't hear his door close until after she had shut her own. She >shook her head slowly. She had heard the understanding in >Mulder's voice- and also the tinge of warning. SERVO: DANGER! WARNING, DANA SCULLY! DANGER! DANGER! CROW: [as Dr. Smith] Quiet, you apathetic aluminum automaton! Oh, the pain, the pain! > >[Great Northern Hotel, room 108] > Cooper sat cross-legged on the floor of his room. Dressed >in his favorite blue pajamas, his eyes were closed and his breathing, >even. CROW: And the rest of him was odd. > He had listened to the message that Audrey had made for >him. She had told him of her feelings about him, about life, about >death. SERVO: And all that girlie stuff! > While everyone's grief in Twin Peaks had subsided over the >years, Cooper felt the pain as if he had just seen MIKE: Beastmaster 2 > her yesterday, >alive, smiling. For Cooper, the time in the Lodge had felt like mere >hours; CROW: Changing over from Standard to Daylight Savings can really get to you! > he hadn't quite prepared himself for the changes he found >now that he was back. And there were so many changes. MIKE: No, seriously, who's the President? > Cooper picked up the tape recorder, feeling its familiar >weight and texture in his palm, and clicked the record button for his >new tape. CROW: Hi, this is Dale. I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number, and your guess about BOB, I'll get back to you, as soon as I get back to me. > "Diane, it's twelve-oh-seven AM and I've just finished >listening to the tape that Audrey Horne made for me before her >death. SERVO: I think I can get her a deal with Def Jam > Now, I know I haven't spoken to you in quite some time..." >Cooper hit the pause on the recorder and frowned; yet another >element of his life, missing. MIKE: Gotta get Zinc!!! > "Diane, I trust that the Bureau has not >overlooked your considerable talents and that you are still part of >the team. MIKE: Yeah, but they moved her from shortstop to the outfield > The first item on my agenda is to find a way to get these >tapes to you. SERVO: I guess he was away so long he forgot about a little thing called THE MAIL!! CROW: Federal Express: When it absolutely positively has to be weird overnight > But I digress; Diane, it is very strange for me to be >back in Twin Peaks. So many things have changed since I've been >away...but I am pleased to report that the pie is still heavenly..." CROW: Nice to see he's got his priorities in order! >Cooper sighed sleepily and decided to give in to his fatigue, >"though the coffee has lost some of its kick." he finished. Cooper >clicked off the recorder and placed it carefully on his nightstand >before crawling into bed. CROW: Wouldn't it have been easier just to get up and walk to the bed? MIKE: Maybe he's doing penance > Immersed in the billowing sheets, MIKE: Sounds like he's holed up in a trimaran SERVO: Or a Kenmore washer >he closed his eyes and wondered if he'd dream that night. CROW: I hope not. SERVO: Yeah, every time he dreams, things get stranger and stranger! > >[Great Northern Hotel, 8:00 AM] > Scully rubbed her eyes and knocked on Mulder's door. To >her surprise, SERVO: A genie appeared and solved everything. The end. MIKE: Nice try, Tom SERVO: I state again - with *these* guys, it could happen! > Mulder appeared dressed much like he was the night >before; gone was the familiar suit and tie, Mulder was dressed in >flannel and jeans. CROW: Well, here we are now; entertain us! > "Morning, Mulder." > "Good morning, Scully. Want to grab some breakfast >before we go to the station? SERVO: [announcer] KTPC, Twin Peaks' rockin' country! > I sent that fax out pretty late last >night, so we probably have plenty of time." > "Sure. The hotel dining room?" > "Nope," Mulder steered her towards the exit after they >emerged from the elevator, "I thought we'd go rub elbows with >some of the local color this morning." > "Mulder, you are the local color this morning!" SERVO: Bdoom-boom-ching!! Thanks, folks, you're a great audience! > Mulder smiled and replied, "Well Scully, when in Rome... CROW: Wisconsin? >besides, not only is this snazzy little ensemble more comfortable, MIKE: It's reasonably priced and will make a great addition to any agent's wardrobe. Only $49.97, plus tax, from Sears Roebuck. >it allows me to blend in with the natives and not look like..." he >looked at Scully's conservative suit up and down, his eyebrows >waggling ever-so-slightly for emphasis. > "Like...a sore thumb?" CROW: No thanks, just coffee. > "Stuffed shirt, that's what I would've said." CROW: I'll say her shirt is stuffed, grrrwwlllll! MIKE: Hey, now... CROW: Don't hurt, or yell > "Ah ha. Watch it, Mulder, you're beginning to sound like >one of those manly men in the full bloom of their manhood. Must >be the flannel." MIKE: It's *gotta* be the flannel! > "And you're beginning to sound like Rosenfield." SERVO: Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!!! > Scully glared at Mulder, but the beauty of the outdoors >distracted her as they stepped out of the Great Northern and >breathed in the fresh mountain air. ALL: [singing] The Hills are alive, with the sound of Mu-u-u-lderrr... > "Just get me to some coffee, >Agent Mulder." SERVO: Must... get... rich.... Columbian... Blend... > >[Double R Diner, 8:20 AM] > Scully had to smile when the door jangled open at the >Double R diner. CROW: *She's* easily amused. MIKE: Pretty. Huh-huh-huh. Pretty Bell. > Stepping into the diner was like stepping into a >time machine; the jukebox in the corner, the vinyl booths, and >waitresses dressed in robin's egg blue uniforms. SERVO: The complete lack of any ethnic minorities for hundreds of square miles > Mulder and Scully >opted for a booth and an attractive, middle-aged woman glided to >their table with menus. SERVO: She's either a wraith or an alien. MIKE: Well, if that didn't make Mulder spontaneously combust, nothing will. CROW: Darn. > "Good morning. Would you two like some coffee?" > "Just some juice for me," Mulder replied. > "I'd like some hotcakes," Scully said, not opening the >menu, "scrambled eggs, coffee, and juice please." SERVO: Another town, another Waffle House CROW: [as Willy] WAFFLES!! *wheet-hoo* > "Certainly. I'll be right back with your order." > Mulder looked askance at Scully across the table. > "What?" she asked. CROW: It's your skance, it's on funny > "This fresh air seems to do wonders for your appetite." > "Well, this place looks like it could make a decent stack of >pancakes, don't you think?" > "It's very..." Mulder struggled to find the words, SERVO: Line! Line, dammit!! > "quaint." > Scully glanced around the near-empty diner. "Doesn't look >like much of the local color has turned out today." > "Maybe they're all stuck in traffic." > Their food arrived and Scully dug into her hotcakes with >relish. MIKE: Well, I prefer a nice maple syrup myself, but - CROW: Hey, Scully's really Joan Osborne! > "Good as the pie?" Mulder asked, looking hungrily at >Scully's plate. > "Sure," Scully replied, looking up at him, "don't you want >anything to eat, Mulder?" MIKE: [as Mulder] Sorry, I never eat until my pupils dilate. CROW: [as Scully] You haven't eaten since 1982? > "I'd like to ingest as little of the local food as possible," >Mulder replied slyly, sipping his juice. Mulder smiled at the >reaction he got from Scully at that statement; she plopped her fork >down with a frown. SERVO: A-a-and... cue punchline > "But, if you're not going to finish that..." he snagged her >plate to his side of the table and proceeded to finish off her >breakfast. Crossing her arms, Scully smirked, > "I suppose I'm paying for this, too?" ALL: WAH-WAH-WAH-WAHHHHHH!!! SERVO: That Mulder, what a card! > > "Norma, who are they?" > "I don't know, Shelly. They must be here because of Agent >Cooper." > "FBI? You think they're FBI?" > "Well, just look at them..." > "I AM looking. Hey, he's kinda cute..." > "Shelly..." > "Norma!" CROW: Chief? SERVO: McCloud?!? > the woman tossed her wavy hair and mocked the >older woman's admonishing tones. "It's just not very often we get >new people in Twin Peaks. This is kind of exciting." SERVO: [as Bela] Ah, fresh blood!! > "Well," Norma Jennings replied, folding her arms across >her slim body and stealing a glance at the agents' direction, >"remember the last time we had FBI agents come to town?" SERVO: Last time? The town's been crawling with them since 1990! > The girlish smile faded from Shelly's face and she reached >for a pot of coffee. > > "More coffee, Ma'am?" SERVO: [as Scully] Yes, I know > "Yes, thank you." > "I'm Shelly Johnson. Norma and I," she glanced back over >to the counter, where Norma was busy putting pies in the pie racks, MIKE: And eggs in the egg hangers, and toast in the toast cartons, and waffles in the waffle bags, and... >"we couldn't help but notice that you are new in town. Are you just >passing through, or....?" > Mulder smiled, amused at the woman's obvious small-town >curiosity. "We're FBI." > "FBI? MIKE: Franklin Belano Isevelt? > There isn't any trouble, is there?" Scully couldn't >help but notice the nervousness in Shelly's voice. > "No, we're here on a routine investigation." she said casually. [All snicker] SERVO: Try saying "Mulder" and "routine investigation" in the same sentence! > "Oh," relief crossed Shelly's face and then the door jangled CROW: Along with her nerves >as a new customer arrived. She gave the two agents a small wave >and moved off. > "Now you've done it, Scully." > "What did I do?" she asked, dabbing the corner of her >mouth with a napkin. SERVO: You know, *it* - the, the thingy. > "Fueling town gossip." > "I didn't tell her anything." > "Exactly." > Scully shook her head at Mulder, placing a few bills with the >check. "Come on, let's get to the station. MIKE: It's time for "Casey's Top 40". CROW: {Casey Kasem] And remember - keep your feet in the Files, and keep reaching for the Peaks! > Cooper and everyone >should be there by now." MIKE: And we'll all have cake and ice cream later! SERVO: Let's split, guys. [Mike & bots exit theater] [6...5...4...3...2...o] [SOL - Mike is examining Tom with a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass. A big beaker full of microchips is sitting on the counter. Crow is reading a copy of "The Importance of Being Ernest"] MIKE: Okay, I don't see - oh, wait, here's another [Mike reaches in with the tweezers and extracts another chip from somewhere on Tom] SERVO: Whoo-hoo! That tickles! MIKE: Y'know, I don't know who he thinks he's fooling - I mean, look at this, these still have "Property of Deep 13" stamped on them. SERVO: Yeah, but the light show's pretty neat. CROW: Hey, y'know what just occurred to me? SERVO: There's no telling. CROW: This isn't the first time "Peaks" has done this "lookalike" thing! MIKE: [indulgently] Really? CROW: Yeah! That wrapped in plastic girl, Laura Palmer - she played her own lookalike cousin, who also gets killed by Laura's weirdo killer psycho father!! How's that for suspicious, hm? MIKE: Crow, I hate to disappoint you, but lookalikes really aren't anything new CROW: Huh? SERVO: Geez, Crow, what rock have you been lying under? Lookalikes go way, way back. MIKE: Yeah, I mean not even counting soap operas, there's Data & Lore SERVO: And Samantha and Serena MIKE: And Jeannie & uh, Evil Jeannie SERVO: And Mary-Kate & Ashley Olson MIKE: Huh? SERVO: And who could forget the Patty Duke Show? There was Cathy, who'd been most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Berkely Square. But Patty'd only seen the sights a girl could see from Brooklyn Heights! MIKE: What a crazy pair! And in the movies, Andy Garcia and Jeremy Irons and Meg Ryan and Jerry Lewis and Jean-Claude Van Damme and Peter Sellers and Laurence Olivier have all played their own lookalikes! CROW: How come I haven't heard about this before? SERVO: Because, Jerky Boy, you purged your memory about evil twins after the "Timmy" incident. CROW: Oh yeah MIKE: "Timmy"? SERVO: [aside] I'll explain later MIKE: But wait a sec, how can you say you've never heard of this, then sit there reading that book about twins by Oscar Wilde CROW: Huh? Nah, this a biography of that "Hey Vern" guy. MIKE & SERVO: D'OH!!! [lights flash] MIKE: We'll be right back. Commercials - 1) APTEEEEEEEEEEE-VAAAAAAAAAAAA! 2) Seriously, we got stand-up! Really! Just name one, we can get footage!!! 3) Got Milk? HEY!! I asked you a question!!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:10 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!psgrain! newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 3/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:24:15 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 780 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5t6v$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25820 alt.tv.mst3k:42238 [Mike and bots re-enter] CROW: I didn't know Jim Varney was twins MIKE: Will you just... > >[Twin Peaks Sheriff's Station. 9:00 AM] MIKE: [western] Ah'm hyar t'see thuh Shurf! > Scully tried to ignore the wide-eyed stare the perky blond in >the station booth was giving her. SERVO: [as Scully] If she keeps it up, I'm gonna have to slap her goofy! MIKE: I think she's too late > "Lucy!" SERVO: Linus! CROW: Peppermint Patty! MIKE: Schroeder! CROW: Good Grief! > Sheriff Truman said pointedly, snapping the >woman out of her reverie, "don't you have something else to do?" CROW: Yeah, but this is way fun! > "Yes," her squeaky voice lisping like a child's, MIKE: It's Kathy! Kathy Ireland is in Twin Peaks! CROW & SERVO: Mike! Mike! MIKE!!! MIKE: Huh?!? Oh - sorry. > "I guess I >do." Lucy scooted out of the booth, files in her hands, CROW: And bells on her toes > and Scully >smiled gratefully at Truman. > "Sorry about Lucy, Agent Scully. She's a bit...loopy, if you >know what I mean." SERVO: Well, she fits right in, then! > "Right," Scully replied, edging closer to Mulder. Mulder >was speaking to Cooper and he was not sounding pleased. > "Cooper, I can't believe you went over my head on this. MIKE: You will believe an FBI agent can fly >You have no jurisdiction..." > "What is it, Mulder?" Scully interrupted, alarmed. Mulder >whipped around to face her, his jaw muscles rippling in anger, CROW: His *jaw muscles* are rippling?!? What, he has articulated dental work? >"Cooper filed his own report this morning." > "Cooper, you haven't even been reinstated as an agent. >How could you...?" > "Agent Scully, I had a disturbing premonition last night that >compelled me to take action. SERVO: [as Cooper] A little man from another place appeared, and told me to "AYC"! MIKE: Huh? SERVO: Say it backwards > I'm sorry, Mulder, but I'm hoping that >my re-surfacing will stir some of the higher brass out of their >complacency." CROW: What does his driveway have to with anything? > For the first time, Scully could see that Mulder was MIKE: An alien SERVO: Too obvious >unsatisfied with one of Cooper's explanations, and wondered just >how much professional competition went along with the admiration >these two shared. CROW: [as Mulder] So after "The Flintstones", you went and did "Showgirls"? Geez, who's your agent, Dr. Kevorkian? SERVO: [as Cooper] That's pretty big talk from Mr."Kalifornia", pal! CROW: Yeah, at least my show's still on the air. SERVO: Bite me! > "We'll see what you stir up, Coop," he said darkly. CROW: Stirrups? Say, Cooper must be an equestrian! SERVO: Or an Ob/Gyn > >[9:12 AM] > The group sat once again in conference room two, Scully >wondering what exactly they were waiting for. ALL: DONUTS! > Mulder still wore CROW: The duck suit >an unhappy look on his face and Scully wished she could figure out >what he was thinking. SERVO: Teams of crack psychiatrists are called in, but to no avail! > The door opened and in walked Deputy Hawk, a small >device in his hand and wires trailing from it. CROW: It's the Infinite Improbability Drive! SERVO: That Hawk is one hoopy frood! > He placed it in the >center of the table and Scully saw it was a small speaker. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Toastmasters presents Billy Barty! >It crackled static for a moment, and then a voice shot out, the >person obviously yelling into his end of the line. SERVO: [as Ross Perot] NOW LISTEN, HERE'S THE DEAL, SEE... > "COOPER, ARE YOU THERE?" > "YES Gordon. We're all here." > "ALL? WHO'S ALL?" CROW: Oh, he's southern > "Sheriff Truman, Albert, and Special Agents Dana Scully >and Fox Mulder." > "WHAT'S THAT, COOP? A FOX'S MOTHER?" SERVO: *D'Oh!* > "Fox Mulder, Gordon!" > "FOX! LONG TIME NO SEE." > Mulder's unhappy expression was now positively sullen, >"Hello, Cole." SERVO: Whaddaya know? CROW [Cole] JUST GOT BACK FROM THE PICTURE SHOW! > "GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT TO OUR LITTLE >SOIREE. THAT'S FRENCH, YOU KNOW. CROW: He's southern, but calling from Quebec. > NOW, ENOUGH >WITH THE CHIT-CHAT. COOP, YOUR RETURN IS >CERTAINLY A BLESSED EVENT." MIKE: But the Vatican still hasn't sanctioned it as a miracle > "Thanks, Gordon. I'm glad to be back." > "YOUR REPORT SAID YOU SHUT THE DOOR ON >THAT LODGE PLACE. THE BOYS UPSTAIRS WANT YOU >TO MAKE SURE THAT IT STAYS THAT WAY. HASTA LA >VISTA. CIAO. GONE. FINITO. CAN YOU DO IT, COOP?" CROW: Y'know, I haven't met this guy yet, but he's already irritating me. > "Gordon, I don't..." > "GOOD MAN, COOPER. I'LL BE DOWN THERE IN >TWO SHAKES. THEN WE CAN PUT OUR HEADS >TOGETHER, SO TO SPEAK." CROW: You be Rosey Grier, I'll be Ray Milland. > "See you, Gordon." The static from the speaker stopped, >indicating that Gordon Cole had finished. Everyone remained silent >until Truman spoke up, shaking his head. SERVO: That's not Truman, that's Reagan. MIKE: Or Katherine Hepburn > "I dunno, Coop..." > "Harry, there is no task that is insurmountable. I'm living >proof of that. MIKE: One day an expedition will reach the top of Dale Cooper. > And Gordon's right; no one should be allowed to >find the key to the lodges. CROW: Especially Norman Bates > The power that lies therein is too >dangerous." Cooper noticed Mulder pursing his lips and remarked, >"Something you'd like to say, Agent Mulder?" CROW: He's gonna say he thinks it's a conspiracy MIKE: He thinks *everything's* a conspiracy CROW: Everything is > Mulder looked at everyone's faces and replied, "You got >Gordon Cole involved in this?" > "I trust Gordon implicitly." SERVO: He's Cole Chillin' > "Yeah, well I don't." > Cooper was clearly taken aback by this statement. "What's >eating you, Mulder?" CROW: Piranha! GET 'EM OFF ME!! GET 'EM OFF!!! YAAAAAAAA!!!!!! > Mulder put a hand to his lips and replied, quietly, "I can't >believe you are considering destroying the entrances to the lodges. SERVO: [as Cooper] Mulder, get your hand out from in front of your lips, we can't hear you MIKE & CROW: mumblemumblemuttermumblemuttermuttermumble >For one thing, you don't even know if that's possible. For another, >you don't even know what these places are, what they represent. >There are so many possibilities..." CROW: They could be Ramadas, or Sheratons, or even Days Inns MIKE: That's a scary thought: Bob popping out of your suitcase > "Look mister Creepy, Freaky, whatever they call you," >Albert interrupted, "you may be Howard Cosell of the Wide World >of the Paranormal, but I believe Cooper has seniority here." SERVO: Yeah, he's *much* creepier and freakier than you are! MIKE: Maybe that makes Cooper the Keith Jackson of the Paranormal. CROW: [as Keith Jackson] Ho, I tell ya, we got some really great ghosts here, from Washington, from Texas, and the big haunter from Aaaalabama, this is gonna be, Whooooa Nellie! > "He's right, Mulder," Dana added, weathering the glare he >shot in her direction, "Cooper has more experience with this >phenomena ALL: Doot doo-oot doo doo doot > than you do." > "All right," Mulder replied, closing his hands into fists, >"we'll try it your way. I just don't believe that it will be so easy or >so prudent MIKE: [as Bush] At this juncture > to try and shut the door on what is possibly another >dimension, or even a gateway, to realms of our unconscious or >beyond." SERVO: [as Rod Serling] A land of both shadows and substance, of things and ideas... > "Agent Mulder," Truman said carefully, in that tone Scully >recognized people used to try and placate Mulder at his most >adamant, SERVO: That's nice, heh heh heh, NURSE!!! > "don't you think it's best that we don't allow anyone, and I >mean anyone, access to this kind of power?" CROW: You're too late, Eisner's already got it > "I'll speak to Gordo when he arrives," Mulder replied tightly. SERVO: Didn't we already see "Gamera vs. Gordo"? > > "Mulder," Scully whispered as she pulled him towards their >car, "what is wrong with you? MIKE: And that, friends, is the $64 question > Why are you so against Coles' >plans?" > Mulder piled into the driver's seat of the four-by-four and >answered only after they had left the parking lot, "Just a hunch, >Scully. SERVO: [as Scully] Have you tried surgery? > These places...they've been part of the woods around here >for hundreds of years, talked about in local legends, historical >accounts. MIKE: The Jerry Springer Show > I think an effort to understand them is what we should be >doing, not trying to destroy them." CROW: So, then, Mulder's *against* trying to seal up the dark evil place? SERVO: Yeah, pretty much > "But aren't you worried about the power these places seem >to possess? Look at Windom Earle MIKE: I always knew that "New Age" music was evil, somehow! > and what he tried to do...it's >only natural to fear that kind of place." > "Oh, I am the first to admit my fear, Dana. But you know >what scares me more? CROW: Going back to being "Denise"? MIKE: The thought of "Kalifornia II: The Quickening"? SERVO: A Chris Carter story session? > The idea that we will be trying to mess with >forces that we still don't fully understand. Cooper wanted to stir >things up, well...who knows what will happen." CROW: Well, Jeane Dixon says in "The Star" that Roseanne will divorce and remarry... > Scully frowned and wrapped her coat more tightly around CROW: Mulder's neck >her shoulders as they sped along the tree-lined road. She felt her >confidence in Cooper waning; SERVO: [as Scully] *Showgirls*? What was he thinking, anyway? > she wanted to trust him, but >Mulder's words had definitely made her uneasy. Perhaps this was a >Pandora's box that they simply should not be toying with. CROW: Oh, it's a toybox, heh heh, ya' see, 'cuz it's - a box - and - > >[Great Northern Hotel, 11:40 AM] MIKE: Well, it's not really a *great* northern hotel, but it's a *good* northern hotel > As Scully and Mulder entered the lounge to the Great >Northern, they were approached by Constance Horne, TOM: [singing] Take me back to ConstanceHorneOple CROW: [singing] No you can't go back to ConstanceHorneOple MIKE: [singing] Now it's Istanbul, not ConstanceHorneOple TOM: Why did ConstanceHorneOple get the works? ALL: [still singing] That's nobody's business but the Turks! > who was >dressed very stylishly in a soft brown angora sweater and long, slim >black skirt. CROW: She must have been to see "Ed Wood" MIKE: She might *be* Ed Wood! > "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully. I'm glad I caught you. MIKE: [Prodigy ad] Ordinary men just hate it when that happens > We're >putting on a bit of a welcome back party for Agent Cooper here >tonight, and I wanted to make sure you would come." > "Whose idea was this?" Mulder asked, surprised. CROW: The writer's. Any more questions? > "Sheriff Truman's and his wife's. But they are having me >arrange it." Constance smiled winningly, CROW: [as Ed McMahon] Ho-ho-ho, here's your check, Ms Horne. And now, the finalists in the spokesmodel competition! > "It will be a formal >gathering, downstairs, around eight?" > "We'll be there," Scully replied, unable to think of a way to >refuse politely. Constance flashed ALL: Sa-a-a-a-ay.... > another smile, ALL: Aa-a-a-awwww... > "Great. I'll >see you there." > After she had moved off down the hall, Scully leaned over >to Mulder, SERVO: [as Scully] Put your tongue back in your head, G-man! > "'Formal gathering'? Did you remember to pack your >tux, Agent Mulder?" CROW: Yeah, but aliens stole my luggage. > "As a matter of fact..." Scully glared at him and he grinned >good-naturedly. "It sounds like the natives are just itching MIKE: Fortunately, Benadryl can soothe itching. > for a >chance to party. It shouldn't be a problem for me to pick up some >duds. How about you, Scully?" SERVO: [as Scully] You're going, right? So I've got my dud > "I thought I'd just go the way I am." > "Come on, Scully, live a little." MIKE: Be a gypsy, get around. > "Mulder..." she began, warningly, her reluctance quickly >melting into a sigh. "Maybe." CROW: Maybe not! What's it to ya?!? > >[6:00 PM] > "Diane, it's six PM. SERVO: [announcer] and time for the news > After lunch Mulder and Scully returned >to the station, where we spent the rest of the day going over maps >of Twin Peaks and the surrounding countryside, plotting points that >are suspected "hot spots" of activity. MIKE: Then we ate donuts and pie and drank coffee till we puked! > Per Mulder's suggestion, CROW: We're all wearing our tinfoil hats >we've targeted Glastonbury Grove as the first site to be destroyed, >in hopes that it would perhaps create a sort of chain reaction that >would shut down all the minor disturbances once the main outlet >has collapsed. SERVO: Uh, guys, don't you think setting off chain reactions of evil psychic energy might be a *bit* stoopid? MIKE: Consider the source! > Study of the cave map was also renewed in hopes that not >only does it provide the answer of how to enter the lodge, but also >how to close it. CROW: And also how to get to Denny's MIKE: Mulder loves those Grand Slam Breakfasts > I've insisted we have detailed astrological charts, >but the materials needed won't be arriving until tomorrow morning, >so the group has called it a day. MIKE: We were going to arrest the godfather, but we couldn't, 'cuz Venus and Pluto were aligned against us, and the moon was in Saturn's 4th house CROW: Well, that shouldn't be a problem; Scully used to sell Saturns SERVO: Yeah, she loved showing guys the vanity mirror > Right now I am on my way to the >airstrip to meet Gordon Cole; then I must get ready for this party >Harry and Annie are throwing in my honor. While touched by the >whole gesture, I still am feeling a bit... MIKE: Nauseous? SERVO: Flabbergasted? CROW: Light in the Loafers? > hesitant, about seeing Annie >again. As with Audrey, I find the memories...too close." SERVO: [sobbing] I Can't talk about it - just go 'way! > >[Sheriff's station, 6:10 PM] > "Mulder, none of this is making much sense to me." CROW: *Finally* someone admits it! > "I never said it was making sense to me, either," Mulder >mumbled dejectedly. [Crow falls over] MIKE: Crow? Crow!? SERVO: The shock got him CROW: [sitting back up] Mommy? Is that you? > "Do you really think that cutting down trees on the night >when Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction will stop this...this... SERVO: Thing called love? >madness?" Scully was beginning to be frightened by Mulder's >downcast attitude. "Mulder, tell me the truth." MIKE: [as Jack Nicholson] *You can't handle the truth!* SERVO: That's 'cause "The Truth is Out There" (tm) > "Scully..." Mulder began, taking her arm and sitting them >down on the log railing outside the Sheriff's station. CROW: So there he sat them: Mulder, with Scully's arm > "I think you >just said it yourself. This is a madness... MIKE: Of King George III > something that cannot >occur without a victim. And as long as people will be on this earth, >there will be a lust for the power that the Black Lodge represents. SERVO: And Ator will be there to protect us! >I'm not sure that anyone can stop it; not even Cooper." > "And what about you," Scully said, searching his eyes, "are >you looking to shut down the power of the lodge- or to gain it." MIKE: [as Mulder] Woops - caught me, huh? > Mulder looked away from Scully's suddenly fearful gaze, >and squinted his eyes. CROW: He's allergic to Douglas Firs > To her surprise, he did not reply angrily, >"Scully...this is something that I have never encountered before. A >threshold...to another world. SERVO: So Bob can get him tickets to the soaps? > Maybe it has the answers I'm looking >for." > "Mulder," Scully said forcefully, grasping his arm, "I won't >let you. It's...not for that. Don't you see? It's not your time..." CROW: You're on *after* Senor Winces! >Dana struggled with the concepts that threatened her ideals, >threatened her logic. SERVO: [as Scully] I *will* work after this show! I *will* work after this show! I *will* work after this show! I *will* work... > "Cooper said that to go into the black lodge >and emerge, victorious, at the white, you had to face...what was >inside. With perfect courage, or else have it consume your soul." SERVO: [as Hellraiser] It will tear your soul apart!! CROW: You Pinhead! MIKE: Yow! Are we having fun yet? > Mulder turned towards Scully, eyes glimmering with CROW: Murine, to get the red out! > an >inner pain he usually kept so well hidden from even her, "Do I have >a soul to save, Scully?" It wasn't a challenge, wasn't a question. >His eyes hardened, determination filling his being, "I have the >courage." MIKE: [as Bert Lahr] Whaduz he got that I ain't got? SERVO & CROW: *Courage!* MIKE: You can say dat again, heh heh heh - Huh? > "I know you do," Scully said gently. "Mulder, please. You >are not the 'dweller on the threshold'. Don't let this idea of a 'bridge >between two worlds' cloud your judgment...stay objective, Mulder." CROW: She tells him to do all this stuff, and she knows he won't! > Their voices had descended into whispers as the light of day >faded upon the horizon of treetops. SERVO: And so, as the sun pulls away from the shore, and our boat sinks slowly in the west... > Scully felt the night chill SERVO: I am the key CROW: I am the lock > but >was washed with a warm feeling of relief as Mulder's face lost it's >look of darkness. MIKE: Flashlight, flashlight, flash - ah, here we are > He stood, pulling keys out of his pockets. > "That's why I have you, Scully," he said simply, moving off >towards their parked car, the final rays of the day just touching the >top of his head and giving him an unearthly glow. CROW: St. Mulder's Fire SERVO: Starring Judd Nelson, Robe Lowe, & Ally Sheedy MIKE: Don't ever mention those three in the same sentence! > Scully sighed >and followed, putting up a hand to shield her eyes from the glare. SERVO: [as Scully] Stop lookin' at me like that! > >[Great Northern Hotel, 7:10 PM] > Scully put down the file and took off her glasses to rub her >eyes. [Crow makes squeaking sounds] > She had been reviewing the transcripts of Cooper's tapes, >marking down any reference to the lodges, SERVO: The Lodges, now with furnished 1, 2, and 3-bedroom units available. > Bob, and, for her own >curiosity, Gordon Cole. She hadn't heard of the man MIKE: But the Man is holdin' her back! > until she and >Mulder had gotten involved with Cooper and wondered who he >was, exactly. Her laptop glowed at her elbow, SERVO: She should see a doctor about that > the cursor blinking >as data was being transferred into it's memory. CROW: [Data] Captain, I seem to have been transferred into another TV show SERVO: [Picard] Trust no one, commander > Scully had dug up >as much information as she could on Cole, but still found the >information wanting. MIKE: Wanting what? CROW: To make sense > There was a knock on the door and Scully checked her >watch. SERVO: Then the phone rang and she looked out of the window > She was supposed to meet Mulder at 7:50 to go >downstairs, so she didn't know who it could be. CROW: Well, it *could* be anybody. SERVO: Yeah, John Paul II, Sade, Senator Helms... CROW: Greg Maddux, Tony Slattery, The Cast of "A Chorus Line"... MIKE: Nichelle Nichols, Huey Lewis and the News, Dennis Leary... SERVO: No, he's down interviewing with Forrester MIKE: Oh, yeah > Opening the door, >she was surprised to see Constance Horne. > "Ms. Horne. What can I do for you?" > Constance fiddled with her hands SERVO: Oh, she's doing her Alison Kraus impression > and looked at Scully up >and down. "I wanted to see if you needed anything...for tonight. >Agent Mulder," she gestured to the room next door, "had called >down for a tuxedo, and I thought I'd see how you were doing." CROW: [as Constance] So you want a tuxedo, too? > "HE didn't put you up to this, did he?" Scully asked >suspiciously. > "No! Oh no, Agent Scully. I just thought, well...that maybe >you'd want to dress up tonight, and I'd figured you hadn't brought >anything with you. CROW: [as Constance] And you always dress so frumpy and all, that, well, you know... > I understand how last-minute this whole thing >has been. And I know *I* hate being caught with nothing to wear." MIKE: I'd like that SERVO: You'd like being caught with nothing to wear? MIKE: No, I'd like Sherilyn Fenn being caught with nothing to wear CROW: Hey, *now* who's making with the innuendo? > Scully was about to refuse when she saw the plain eagerness >to help in Constance's eyes. "Sure," she sighed, resignedly, "What >do you have in mind?" > "Come with me," SERVO: To Zee Cas-bah > Constance said happily, taking Scully's >hand, "you can borrow something of mine." > Scully barely had time to close her door as Constance pulled >her towards the elevator at the end of the hall. CROW: The Pulchritude Platoon hits town, in a big way! > > She sat on the edge of a large bed as Constance Horne >began opening the huge closets lining one wall. While not a frilly >bedroom, the place had a distinctly feminine feel. SERVO: What gave it away, the troll dolls in the corner, or the wall size poster of JTT? > There was a >dressing table with some beautiful silver implements, all kept with >obvious care. Scully wondered just how old Ms. Horne actually >was; she wondered how she had let herself get dragged into this. CROW: She wondered if she'd ever see the real world again MIKE: The one in LA, or the one in London? > "I think I have some stuff that would just fit you," >Constance said, flinging open some more double doors. "Choose >anything." SERVO: But choose wisely. > "Ms. Horne," Scully began. > "Constance, please, Agent Scully." > "Dana," Dana smiled thinly, "I thank you for your >generosity, but I don't understand why you're doing all this. You >hardly know me." MIKE: But she has plans for you. Big plans! > Constance turned up her nose slightly, as if wondering if she >should reply truthfully. SERVO: [as Constance] Let's see, should I lie to the government agent who can put me in jail for years and years, or not > She began twisting a corner of her brown >sweater with her fingers, "Agent Scully, I- I don't get to associate >with very many people my age in this business. I've always had to >be 'more mature'." MIKE: She wants her very own life-size Barbie doll, and Scully's elected CROW: Mike, this is makin' me feel all over funny! > She laughed, a bit embarrassed. "This is a small >town...and you looked like you'd understand. And you'd have great >stories to tell, being an FBI agent!" SERVO: Ah, the ancient FBI oral tradition > She looked up into Scully's >eyes, and Scully was struck at how old and young she looked at the >same time. CROW: And how tall and short she was MIKE: And how thin and fat she seemed SERVO: And how Democratic and Republican she voted > Constance smiled girlishly and shrugged, "And it >looked like we had the same dress size." CROW: And the same bra size MIKE: Innuendo, thy name is Crow! > Scully sighed and thought of herself as a young girl, looking >for friendship on the various military bases her family happened to >be situated at. It always seemed she never could find anyone her >own age. SERVO: Well, most military people are a bit older > She got off the bed and moved towards a dress, fingering >the lush fabric. "Let's see if I do," she smiled. SERVO: Only her hairdresser knows for sure ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:10 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!uwm.edu! vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 4/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:41:40 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 781 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5u7k$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25808 alt.tv.mst3k:42231 >[7:55 PM] > Mulder thumped on Scully's door with one hand, >straightening his tie with the other. CROW: Hey, he's ambidextrous SERVO: Showoff! > "Hey, come on Scully." He glanced at his watch and said >helpfully, "If you're looking for your shoes they're still on your >feet." SERVO: [As Scully] Bite me, Agent Pinkboy > He was about to pound on the door again when he heard the CROW: Trumpet of Doom!! ALL: DEATHMAAAAAATCH!!! >chime of the elevator. Turning, he felt his eyebrows rise at the >figure that emerged from the doors. MIKE: It was a quadratic equation > She was dressed in a column of black, her hair softly >framing her face, her arms bare. She smiled at him broadly and >walked to his side. CROW: RuPaul, no! SERVO: RuPaul, yes!! > "Agent Mulder, I came down to tell you that Agent Scully >will be meeting you downstairs." > Mulder regained his poise but couldn't keep the smile from >his face. SERVO: Or the song from his heart > "Ms. Horne, you look lovely this evening." CROW & SERVO: [singing] My my my my Mulder! > "Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself." > Mulder grinned sheepishly. "Thanks." After a beat, Mulder >realized he was still staring, and hastily offered his arm. "Shall we >go down, then?" [All cough and shift nervously] > "Why thank you, Agent Mulder," Constance smiled. > They entered the elevator and Mulder remembered to ask, >"What happened to Scully?" MIKE: Well, she was born, then she became a doctor, then she became an FBI agent, then she got kidnapped and impregnated by aliens, then she got trapped here with you and Cooper > "She got a spot on her suit and went to get it cleaned." > "Ah." > "Agent Mulder, can I ask you something?" SERVO: [Constance] I've got a package for "Red Shoes" and I was wondering...? > The two of >them stepped out of the elevator and moved towards the bustling >lounge. > "Sure." > "Are you and Agent Scully....?" MIKE: Only in the dreams of fanfic writers around the globe > Mulder looked down at Constance Horne's dark eyes and >ruby lips, taken quite by surprise; CROW: When did she get lips? > he had an answer formulated for >just such a question but he could see it was too late- his hesitation >had already given him away. SERVO: Hesitation can be fatal when faced with the killer Fenn > "I see." Constance said archly. > "No," Mulder laughed, shaking his head, "I don't think you >do." > Constance smiled up at him with understanding, "You don't, >either." ALL: Third Base! > Before he could reply they had made it to the steps into the >lounge and Constance melted away from his arm CROW: Thanks to Nutri-System! > and into the >crowd, flashing a sly grin behind her. CROW: [falsetto] I'm so naughty, so naughty I am! > Mulder rocked on MIKE: Dude! SERVO: Rock on, man! CROW: WHOOOOOOO!! > his heels for a moment, trying to pick >Scully out from the crowd. Failing to see her, he walked down the >steps and towards Cooper. > "Coop, who are all these people?" CROW: Well, there's Michael Ontkean, Madchen Amick... SERVO: Lara Flynn Boyle, James Marshall... CROW: Wendy Robey, Michael Horse... SERVO: Russ Tamblyn, Grace Zabriskie... MIKE: How do you guys - CROW: Oh, we're hardwired directly to the Internet Movie Database. SERVO: Yeah, right now we're at "http://www.msstate.edu/M/title- exact?2E647" > "Mulder, I have no idea." SERVO: Yes, and? > Cooper was fidgeting nervously. >"Where's Agent Scully?" > "Got held up back there. CROW: Boy, some FBI agent: his partner gets mugged and he walks off in the middle of it! SERVO: He's letting her have her personal space > She'll be down in a minute. Have >you seen Truman?" > "Err. No, not yet." Cooper replied quietly. > Mulder swallowed his words and reached for a glass of >champagne. MIKE: Champagne helps words go down better SERVO: This message brought to you by the Booze Council [tm]! > He had spotted Truman entering from the dining >room, on his arm a very beautiful woman. CROW: That's okay, Scully's a doctor: she can get rid of it > Mulder had to deduce >that she was Annie Blackburn and understood Cooper's >nervousness. They were making their way through the crowd >towards them. > "Mulder, I don't think I'm ready for this..." Cooper said >suddenly, but then Truman and Annie were upon them. SERVO: And they were ripping them apart!! CROW: Oh the carnage!! > "Dale," Annie said immediately, disengaging herself from >her husband's arm. "Thank God!" She embraced him gently, as if >he would break. Cooper looked dumbfounded, ALL: Half right! > his head tilting >slightly towards Annie's tumble of blonde waves. He hastily pushed MIKE: The button? CROW: [Forrester's voice] Push the button, Kyle! [regular voice] No, no, I just don't see it >her away from him and simply drank her in with his eyes. SERVO: [Makes slurping noise] Ahh, that Annie hit the spot! > "Harry," MIKE: Hey, it's "follically gifted"! > Annie paused at her words, as if unsure. "Harry >has told me what happened. What you think happened. I'm so >sorry, Dale. MIKE: [as Annie] I'm so sorry you attacked me like a freaking maniac and left me for dead, you *yerk*!!! > We- I- thought you were dead." Tears had begun to >form in the gentle woman's eyes, and she brought a hand to her face >to stifle the sobs. Cooper and Truman both moved towards her at SERVO: Warp Speed! >the sight. Annie turned quickly into the comforting arms of her >husband. Cooper shrank away, eyes lowered. CROW: The Incredible Shrinking Cooper! > "This was supposed to be a happy occasion, Coop." Harry >said, rocking Annie back and forth in his arms gently. "She really >wanted to do this for you." > "Thank you, Annie. Annie..." Cooper pulled at her >shoulder gently, and she lifted her face, brushing away her tears. CROW: She must be equipped with a flywheel mechanism or something >"I thank you, for everything. I'm very happy for you and Harry." > Annie gripped Cooper's hand gratefully and smiled like an >angel. SERVO: [falsetto] And the angel Annie appeared and said unto them, "A little while more thou shalt suffer this fanfic" > "MULDER, YOU OLD DOG! [all make doggie noises] > OR SHOULD I SAY >'FOX'?" CROW: Yep. Fridays at 9, 8 Central > Gordon Cole pressed through the crowd, Albert in tow, >reaching out to shake Mulder's hand. > "Gordon. Still deaf, huh?" MIKE: Mulder. Still a jerk, huh? > "WHAT WAS THAT?" Gordon tapped the small device >hooked around one of his ears, "THIS IS A NEW DOOHICKEY >THE BUREAU IS USING ON ME. CROW: [as Cole] SHOOTS COSMIC RAYS DIRECTLY INTO MY BRAIN! > HAVEN'T QUITE GOT >THE HANG OF IT, YET." > Mulder reached over to the amplifier in Cole's pocket and >flipped a dial. > "How's that, Gordon?" MIKE: Hey, he turned his crank to FRANK SERVO: Oh, Frank... MIKE: There, there, honey, it's all right. > "NOT A PRAYER, MISTER. I'VE ALREADY TRIED >THAT ONE." CROW: [as Cole] BUT I CAN PICK UP NPR JUST DANDY > Mulder gave up and shrugged at Rosenfield, who moved >next to him and handed him a fresh glass of champagne. SERVO: [as Albert] Now you know why *we're* so edgy, pal: what's your excuse? > "Rosenfield, I wasn't finished with that other one." > "This is Cole's. He's already had a snootful, Mulder, and >believe me you don't want him getting anymore." MIKE: Yeah, his snoot might overflow, and that'd get nasty! > Albert glanced at >Mulder's attire, "Aren't we looking hot tonight. SERVO: Must be wearing that recycled couch he had on at the Emmys > Jesus, Mulder, you >look like a paragon of intellectual snobbery and blue blood. >Stepped right out of a damned GQ!" MIKE: Well, thanks, I - HEY! > "Like your tie, Rosenfield," Mulder replied, flipping the >tangled mess that was Albert's bow tie with a finger. Albert didn't >even flinch. CROW: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! Does this bug you? > "I know that my clothing is usually of the most orderly and >impeccable nature, but when I get to these wining and dining >events, I firmly believe that a man's tie should make a statement >about the personality it's strangling." CROW: And I think we know just about *everything* we need to about Albert's personality > Mulder laughed and sipped his drink, wishing Scully was >there to bail him out. > "STOP THE PRESSES! COOP, TELL ME, WHO IS >THAT LOVELY WOMAN STANDING ON THE THRESHOLD?" SERVO: Of a nervous breakdown. > Mulder casually glanced at whoever had caught Gordon's >attention and nearly dropped his drink. > "WOWZY WOW WOW! CROW: Oh God, it's Arch Hall Jr. SERVO: Just kill us now. > LET ME TELL YOU COOP, >THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A REDHEAD." MIKE: [singing] There is ab-so-lute-ly nothing like a dame! > > Dana stood a bit breathless at the entrance to the lounge, >grateful for the few stairs that descended so she could get a good >look into the room. SERVO: So some stairs go down and some go up? CROW: The laws of physics are nullifiable in Twin Peaks > People were dancing and the band from the >previous night played lurching tunes from a small raised stage on >one end of the floor. CROW: [singing wheezily] Jumpin' Jack Flash is a gas gas gaaaaackkkk!!! > She quickly spotted a group of suits and >Mulder's head poking out amongst them. SERVO: [as Scully] Mulder! Stop hiding in Robert Hall's > Gathering her skirt, she >ventured out into the room of milling people. CROW: They're grinding wheat into flour? MIKE: I don't think so > > Mulder swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, and placed his >glass on the tray of a passing waiter. He had glimpsed her for only >a second before she descended the stairs and disappeared into the >crowd, but what he had seen... CROW: What? He's seen her practically every day for the last three years! Don't tell me there's something he hasn't seen yet! > "Gordon, that's Special Agent Dana Scully." > "SPECIAL AGENT IS RIGHT! MY GOODNESS, >COOP. SHE'S HEADED THIS WAY! HOW DO I LOOK?" SERVO: Compared to what? > "Fine, Gordon, just fine." > Mulder put his hands in his pockets coolly, trying >desperately not to look as expectant as he felt. MIKE: Let's hope his water doesn't break > She slid past a few people, both hands full of her trailing >long-sleeved dress, a rich burgundy velvet that sloped in a gentle >curve off of her shoulders and clinged just tightly enough in the >right places. CROW: Seattle, San Diego, Albuquerque... > Her auburn hair was piled in curls atop her head, >trailing wisps framing her full face. Mulder noticed with relief that >her makeup was the same as usual; MIKE: She's still mostly water and carbon, with a few trace elements > if one more thing about her had >been different, they'd probably be scraping his jaw off the floor with >a spatula. CROW: [announcer] Come on down to SPATULA CITY! (r) > Dana smiled a bit shyly as she approached them, seeing their >stares, and a few steps away from Mulder, tripped in the most >inelegant manner. SERVO: Nothing worse than an acid flashback in the middle of a party. > Mulder shot out a hand and caught hers, holding >it firmly as she regained her balance. MIKE: They must be practicing their circus act SERVO: *The Circus!!* Nononono... MIKE: Speaking of tripping - CROW: He's still not over those shorts we saw a couple of years ago > "Whew. Thanks Mulder. This dress is a bit too long for >me." CROW: She's not used to dressing this femmey > She pushed a wisp of hair out of her eyes and smoothed down >the wrinkles in her dress, obviously enjoying his speechless >reaction. SERVO: Anything that can shut Mulder up is fine by us > He cleared his throat and tried to think of something >safely neutral to say. > "Scully, you have a neck!" he said suavely. ALL: *D'OH!!!* > She only smiled at him, amused. > "Really, you look great, great" he said, desperately trying >not to sound desperate for words. SERVO: You, it's, y'see, heh heh heh, that is, we, I, ummm... > Constance appeared at his elbow, ALL: YAH!! SERVO: She's David Copperfield in drag! >smiling broadly at Scully, who gave a small flourish to her outfit. > "Constance helped me. I couldn't have done this without her." > "Agent Mulder, you've got a puddle of drool on your shoes!" MIKE: That happens, sorry > Both women laughed merrily at Mulder's expense, which he >took gladly upon hearing the sound of Dana's uninhibited laughter. > "EXCUSE ME, AGENT SCULLY. I DON'T BELIEVE >I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE." CROW: [as Cole] NOT FOR A LONG LONG TIME!! IT WAS BACK DURING THE FORD ADMINISTRATION, AND... MIKE: Crow, don't go there! > Scully smothered her laughter and shook Gordon's hand >politely, "Gordon Cole?" > "YOU KNOW MY NAME! FELLAS, STAND BACK. I'M GONNA NEED SOME >AIR." MIKE: Wouldn't laughing gas be more appropriate? SERVO: [D.Hopper] DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T EVER LOOK AT ME!!! MOMMY!!!! MOMMY!!!! > > Scully felt like a little girl again; the little girl who snuck >into Mother's closet and tried on her favorite clothes, smearing >lipstick and blush everywhere then proudly walking into public, >feeling like a movie star. CROW: Now she actually has something in common with Mulder > She had to admit to herself that she felt a >bit glamorous...even a bit sexy. It was freeing and delicious, and MIKE: Low in saturated fats >she could feel the relaxation easing into her bones with each passing >minute. MIKE: Oh, she's just been hittin' the hotel bar again CROW: Booze really makes you a hit at parties SERVO: This message brought to you by the Booze Council [tm]! Booze satisfies. CROW: Booze: have some today! > "Quite a transformation, Agent Scully, quite a >transformation." SERVO: It's more than meets the eye > "Thanks, Albert." > "You know, formal wear is a tricky thing. MIKE: Not as long as you have that whole "opposable thumb" deal mastered > Either people >bring it down to their level- look at Mulder here, he slouches even >in a thousand dollar tux..." > "Rental," Mulder informed him. CROW: That's pretty stiff for one night > "...or people 'dress up' to their level. Now, I've seen some >Bureau women, all dolled up for some shindig or another, but CROW: Shindig? MIKE: You know, a hullabaloo SERVO: A hootenanny MIKE: A Jubilation SERVO: A soiree' CROW: Hey, that's French! >without that stiff Bureau regime, that Bureau authority, they were >like a mass of spineless, formless jelly. SERVO: Insert your own Bill Clinton joke here > I'm saying unabashedly that >you, Dana, have turned my knees to jelly this evening." ALL: EWW-W-W-W!! > "Yes Dana, you look like a vision." CROW: And you sound like a, er, sound > "Thank you Cooper, you look very handsome yourself. >How is our guest of honor?" > "Wondering who all these people could be." MIKE: They could be aliens, or vampires, or spirits, or living shadows, or giant leeches, or - SERVO: Stow it, Mulder! > Harry Truman stepped over to Dana, "Agent Scully, I'd like >you to meet my wife, Annie." SERVO: I saw your show on Broadway - very nice! > Scully looked at the woman on Truman's arm and >recognized not her appearance, but the aura of goodness about her >that Cooper had described in his tapes. MIKE: I don't recall the face, but your glow is familiar > "Nice to meet you, Annie." > "Agent Scully." > "Dana." CROW: Chief? SERVO: McCloud? > "LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE PAINTING." > "What painting, Gordon?" SERVO: Guernica > "YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN, COOP. SEASHELLS, >RED HAIR DOWN TO KINGDOM COME. BOTTLE-SOMEBODY!" MIKE: Barbara Eden? > "Ah, Botticelli. BOTTICELLI'S BIRTH OF VENUS, >GORDON?" > "EST-CE QUE VOUS DESIRER DANSER AVEC MOI? CROW: Translation, anyone? MIKE: I'm not sure, but I think he just accused Fred Astaire of "filling my vacuum cleaner with quiche" SERVO: I think he asked for a boiled tractor and some duct tape >THAT'S FRENCH, YOU KNOW, MS. SCULLY. DIDN'T >SPEND THE LAST FEW YEARS IN EUROPE FOR NOTHING. CROW: [as Cole] AT LEAST IT WON'T BE ONCE THEY APPROVE THAT DARN EXPENSE ACCOUNT >I CAN SAY A LOT MORE BUT I THINK I BETTER GET TO >KNOW YOU A BIT BETTER FIRST." > Mulder could see the top of Dana's lip curling as she tried to >smile convincingly at Cole and seized the SERVO: Hey! > opportunity. SERVO: Oh. OK. > "She can't hear you, Gordon," he said smoothly, taking >Dana up in his arms and steering her towards the dance floor. CROW: Boy, she lets him get away with a lot MIKE: Well, think about it, who would you rather have after you - Mulder or Gordo? CROW: [long pause] I hope those aren't my only options SERVO: Cooper? CROW: [sighs] I'd just get a sammich and stand in the corner! > Scully peered around his shoulder as they wandered >amongst the other couples and looked gratefully at Mulder, who >murmured, MIKE: "The Truth is Out There" (tm) SERVO: [Scully] Ix-nay, we're off duty! > "Twinkletoes." > Scully struggled, trying to gather the loose folds of her >dress and still follow Mulder's lead. "Where have I heard that >before?" she managed to smile. She got a handle on her SERVO: Toilet? CROW: Car Door? MIKE: CB Radio? > situation >and then nodded fractionally towards Gordon. "He's quite a >character." > "Yeah, Gordon's a classic." MIKE: He's a 1955 Buick Super > "He seems harmless enough." > "That's what worries me." SERVO: D'oh!! > "Mulder," she began carefully, "does this animosity towards >Cole have anything to do with his connection to the 'Blue Rose' >cases and Project Bluebook?" SERVO: Sounds like he got the blues MIKE: He got the blues real bad! > Scully felt Mulder stiffen in her arms CROW: Well, I would too if - MIKE: I wouldn't, if I were you CROW: But you're not me, are you? MIKE: One more thing to be grateful for. CROW: Sure, but - hey wait a minute! > and he steered her >closer to the stage where the band was playing. He leaned in close >and spoke under the cover of the music. > "What do you know about it?" SERVO: [German accent] You vill tell me all you know about Allied shipping routes! > "Um, just what I read from Cole's profile and Cooper's >notes. I also have a case file I just downloaded from the FBI >database that I haven't read yet; CROW: Another wacky misadventure from "The Mixed-up X-Files of Agent Dana K. Scully", > the murder of a Teresa Banks?" > "You've been doing your homework," Mulder said >appreciatively. SERVO: [as teenager] Yeah, but that Algebra stuff's really got me stumped! > "I try," Scully replied. "Care to let me in on what you >know?" > "I've been meaning to discuss this with you Scully, but was >afraid that-" he paused, his lips pursing. > "What?" MIKE: The elves would show up with the hurting sticks! > "I was afraid you wouldn't believe me," he said quietly. > Scully sighed, giving Mulder's shoulders a small shake, CROW: A Shamrock Shake >"When has that stopped you before?" > Mulder looked down into Dana's eyes, smiling at their >lovely clarity and openness. "Project Bluebook was looking for >evidence of E.B.E.'s , a military operation. CROW: So the military is looking for the heebie-jeebies SERVO: JEEBIES, HEEBIE, ONE CASE, *SIR*! > I believe that Gordon >Cole's 'Blue Rose' cases were to find proof of the existence of the >Black Lodge. They both found what they were looking for; here in >Twin Peaks." > "And the connection is...?" CROW: Kevin Bacon > "I'm not sure. Maybe there is no connection." Mulder saw >that his words did not make Scully very comfortable and attempted >to lighten her mood. MIKE: [as Mulder] So, been kidnapped by any aliens lately? > "Hey, this is a party. We can discuss this >tomorrow, after you've read the Banks case. You were supposed >to live a little, remember?" > "Let my hair down?" she said with mock incredulity. SERVO: Let your jaw go slack with amazement > "You've got a gravity defying 'do, Agent Scully," Mulder >observed matter-of-factly. > Scully looked upwards, as if contemplating the dynamic of >her pinned curls. > "The night is still young, Mulder," she said finally. SERVO: [as announcer] The mating ritual of the domestic FBI agent is complex, yet beautiful > Mulder fought to keep a straight face and retaliated by CROW: Sticking her hand in a bowl of warm water >giving Scully a low dip, rewarded by her small gasp of surprise and >burst of laughter. As they settled into an easy rhythm, Mulder felt >the room slow into a sluggish pace. MIKE: Someone must have turned on "My So-Called Life" SERVO: Yeah, that usually sucks all the life right out of a room. > A spotlight framed his head as >the rest of the crowd was plunged into darkness. He turned his >head to scan the room and saw Cooper, his face also illuminated by >a light. SERVO: Spotlight dance on Fox and Dale! > In his arms, Dana seemed frozen in time, unaware of the >changes in the room. There was movement out of the corner of his >eye CROW: Gross, Scully's eye mites are infectious > and Mulder looked to the stage. > A tall, gaunt man in a bow tie, shirt and slacks, also >illuminated by a harsh spotlight, stood on the stage. SERVO: It's Bill Nye, the Science Guy! > He was >waving his arms as if in warning, his mouth moving with unspoken >words. CROW: He's saying, "Don't... let... them... move... you... to... Saturdays!" > Mulder turned his head to look at Cooper, who was staring >fixedly at the giant. MIKE: [as Cooper] I'm *sure* he was on "Next Generation" once or twice! > Lights began to flash and then the room was >thrown into complete darkness, a few screams being heard during >the split second it took for the lights to return. SERVO: Aw man, these Jaycee haunted houses are just so *lame*! > "Mulder! What happened?" Scully cried as the brief panic >ebbed out of the crowd. MIKE: [as Eb] Boy, Mr. Douglas, wuz that that BOB feller? CROW: [as Hank Kimball] Hey there, Mr. Douglas, oh, I see ya got BOB there, well, y'know, maybe not BOB, maybe more like a Robert or somethin'... > Truman hurried towards the stage, Annie >trembling with fear behind him, as he soothed the crowd. > "Everyone, stay calm. Just a hiccup in the power, nothing >to be alarmed about." > "Harry!" MIKE: Look, I'm in electrolysis, so lay off!! > Mulder and Scully rushed to the stage where Cooper stood, >bending over a body that lay exactly where the Giant had stood. MIKE: Barry Bonds is down! > "Cooper, what is it?" Truman asked as they gathered >around the inert form. > "HOLY COW!" SERVO: They've been transported to Wrigley Field. MIKE: And the Cubs are playing the Giants CROW: In bow ties > Cole said as he also made his way to >Cooper's side. "COOP...MEET SPECIAL AGENT CHESTER >DESMOND!" CROW: Chester Tate? SERVO: Let's split guys [Mike and bots start to leave] CROW: Chester Cheetah? MIKE: No, no, Crow, *Desmond*. Commercials - 1) RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-COLA-A-A-A-A-A-A!!!!!!!! 2) Thea Vidale. Jeff Foxworthy. Dom Irrera. Cathy Ladman. Rondell Sheridan. Margaret Cho. Richard Lewis. Ellen Cleghorne. Drew Carey. You want more?!? Carole Leifer. Louie Anderson. Elaine Boosler. George Wallace. Yakov Smirnoff. Gallagher... 3) Soloflex, uh, NordicTrac, uh, oh, whatever!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:11 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!uwm.edu! vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 5/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:47:50 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 850 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5uj6$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25809 alt.tv.mst3k:42232 [SOL - Mike & the bots are in shadow] MAGIC VOICE: Ladies & Gentlemen - the Synchronized Duchovnies [The lights come up to reveal Mike & the bots all wearing identical suits, overcoats, and sunglasses] CROW: My Name is Fox MIKE: My Name is Mulder SERVO: My Name is Fox Mulder ALL: TRUST NO ONE!! SERVO: My sister - abducted MIKE: Samantha - gone CROW: I must find her ALL: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!! CROW: My partner is Da- [SOL shakes violently] SERVO: Holy Frijoles! MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9, pronto! [ext SOL - another ship has approached the SOL - it looks suspiciously like a carton of Camels with a single pack glued to the top, and four Zippo lighters at the bottom for engines] CROW: Jesse Helms is invading! MIKE: I don't think so, but - wait, someone's calling us on the hexfield! [Hexfield opens on a man sitting in a room filled with smoke. He is holding a cigarette in his right hand, and one is dangling from the left side of his mouth] ALL: CANCER MAN!! CM: Hello Mulder. You didn't really think you could get away from me up here, did you? MIKE: Uh, there seems to have been some - CM: Although I will admit it's unique. It beats the time you hid in a mine. Or an Indian reservation. Or a leper colony. Or a - SERVO: Uh, if we could interrupt your paranoia for just one se- CM: I don't know where you have your partner stashed, but I'll find her, too. And you can tell Skinner I said that CROW: Maybe you need to know that we're- CM: Your clones can't save you now. Not even changing your name to "Knudson" could throw me off - MIKE: [quickly] Knudson?! W-wait, my name's Nelson! CM: Excuse me? MIKE: Yeah, Mike Nelson at your service. We're just doing a skit about your friend. I'm not him, and these aren't clones, they're bots! CM [switches cigarettes and pulls a card from his suit] Isn't this a secret NSA controlled satellite? CROW: Nah, it's just an experiment in evil from Deep 13. CM: [Pauses] Geez, guys, sorry about that. I'm really sorry. SERVO: Hey, don't worry about it. CM: I'll bet that Captain Picard reject Skinner is behind this! BOY he really frosts my butts! MIKE: Hey, tell me, what do you get out of all this conspiracy stuff? CM: Confidentially, it's a huge pain in the butt! Before I got this job, I didn't even smoke. Now I probably keep the entire state of North Carolina solvent. My ulcers have ulcers, I hawk up lung chunks on the hour, and I can't eat anything spicier than toast. Still, it beats the alternative. CROW: Geez, what was the alternative? CM: Federal Budget Negotiator. MIKE: Good Move! CM: Well, gotta run. Sorry again, and, uh, let's just forget this ever happened, fellas. SERVO: Or you'll kill us, right? CM: Hey, rules are rules. See ya! [Hexfield closes] SERVO: Poor Guy. MIKE: Servo, the guy's a murdering sleezeball! SERVO: Well, no one's perfect. MIKE: Let's just try this again. [They resume the stance] CROW: My Name is Fox MIKE: My Name is Mulder SERVO: My Name is Fox Mulder [lights flash] ALL: WE GOT "TRUTH OUT THERE" SIGN YAA-A-A-AHH!! [6...5...4...3...2...o] MIKE: Let's get those Foster Grants off [removes bots' glasses] SERVO: Hey, we wear our sunglasses at night > >[Great Northern Hotel, 11:30 PM] > "This is incredible, Mulder!" SERVO: [as Scully] It says, "Elvis seen in Wisconsin Burger King"! > Scully, still in her fancy dress, >read about the Banks case from her laptop MIKE: She's sitting in her own lap? CROW: I've *definitely* gotta meet this woman! > as Doc Hayward >attended to Special Agent Chester Desmond. CROW: Chester A. Arthur? > The group had >assembled in an empty conference room as Constance Horne and >Annie Truman took care of the other guests. "This man has been >missing for over seven years! SERVO: He's Michael Dukakis! > This Banks case and it's obvious ties >to the Palmer case..." she shook her head, "unbelievable." > Doc Hayward stepped away from Chet who was propped in >a chair at the head of the long table. CROW: [as Doc] I dunno, his positronic net is fluxuating! > "I can't find anything wrong with him. Not a thing. But I >say we get him to the hospital to make sure." MIKE: Sounds like my HMO physician > "Certainly, thank you." Cooper said, looking at Chester >Desmond CROW: Lester Pearson? > with deep concern. Mulder stood against the wall, his >eyes narrowed. > "CHET. CHET." Gordon moved close to Desmond's side. >"CHET, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? IT'S ME, GORDON. CROW: [Gordon] BATMAN AND CHIEF O'HARA ARE JUST OUTSIDE! >THIS IS SPECIAL AGENTS COOPER, SCULLY, AND >MULDER. YOU REMEMBER ALBERT, OF COURSE." SERVO: Heaven help him, he's tried to forget! > Desmond sat dazed in his seat. He had a narrow face >topped by a soft wave of brown hair, with full, expressive lips, and >was dressed in a timelessly conservative suit. MIKE: Hey, it's Chris Isaak SERVO: Actually, Mike, it *is* Chris Isaak MIKE: Yeah, right! CROW: No really, it is MIKE: Are you sure? SERVO: Yep. We've switched to "http://www.msstate.edu/M/title- exact?352E47" > "Theerze...buuurds," he slurred, his eyes rolling. SERVO: Everybody's huuurd about the buuurds! > "What Desmond? Birds?" Cooper said eagerly. > "Aiiiie... CROW: Keeba! > came to heeelp.". > "He sounds drugged," Scully suggested. > "I'vvve been there! I went da-dancing but it was t-too cold. >He's right behind me!" Desmond leapt out of his chair, surprising >everyone. A strange smile crept across his disoriented face, "Not >the face of God!" MIKE: Alright, who left the jargon generator on overdrive? > "What does he mean?" asked Truman. MIKE: The owls are not what they seem SERVO: He won't do anything for ratings CROW: Watch out for snakes > "S-saw Judy. SERVO: [Desmond] I-in disguise. W-with glasses > But did not, did not! Follow... Let me tell >you about Philip..." CROW: He looks FAAAAABULOUUUS! > "Philip? Jeffries? Agent Desmond," Cooper took the >man's face in his hands, ALL: EWWWW!! MIKE: Didn't they do that on "Voyager" once? SERVO: They've done *everything* on Voyager! > "What about Philip? Have you seen him?" > "Oh, he's here all right. But he's baaaaaaad." CROW: That's because he's on the *lam*!! Get it?!? It's lamb, y'see, and... > Desmond's >right arm began convulsing, then soon his whole body began to >shake. MIKE: [Elvis] Thankyaverramuch > "Let's get him to the hospital," Mulder said tightly, helping >Truman and Cooper restrain Desmond > "MULDER, SCULLY. CROW: [Cole] SCULLY, MULDER MIKE: [Mulder] Thanks, we already know each other. > I THINK THE FOUR OF US CAN >HANDLE THINGS HERE. HOW 'BOUT WE MEET >TOMORROW MORNING AT THE HOSPITAL CROW: Oh, not another group high colonic series!! > AND WE'LL >SEE HOW CHET IS THEN. RIGHT NOW THE GUY IS JUST >GOING TO GET HIMSELF AN ARMFUL OF VALIUM AND A >FREE TRIP TO LA LA LAND." SERVO: [announcer] And our second place winner receives a case of Rice-a- Roni, and a lovely copy of our home game > "Yeah, that's just what he needs," Albert sneered, >Desmond's head lolling on his shoulder. CROW: He just kind of vacillates between being Oscar the Grouch and Barney the Dinosaur MIKE: It's useful to have more than one way of irritating people if you're going to do it as a hobby > Scully nodded to Cole, touching Mulder's arm. Mulder >nodded reluctantly in agreement and watched the group exit the >room. MIKE: [Mulder] They never take me to the really *fun* psycho wards! > "This is an interesting development, Scully." > Scully folded her arms across her chest, SERVO: Say, that *is* some pretty interesting devlopment!! > her gold cross >flickering in the lamplight. "He has incredible timing." CROW: Well, in comedy, timing is everything > "Exactly. Now, is he here to help...?" > "Or is he here to....?" MIKE: Start a flame war? SERVO: Avenge his father's death? CROW: Kick names and take butt? > Mulder and Scully locked eyes for a moment, ALL: Oh, 'scuse me. Wait! Owowowow! Hey, that's *my* cornea! > then Scully >gathered her dress and stood. > "Where did he come from, Mulder?" > "Maybe he's been hiding under the stage all this time." MIKE: He's Hamlet's father, and he missed his cue > Scully frowed and let her hands fall from her hips. CROW: How do you frow? MIKE: I don't know, but I think if she does it long enough. she'll wind up looking like Roxann Biggs-Dawson. > "Let me >say goodnight to Annie and Constance and I'll meet you upstairs." > "Ok, give them my goodnights too. I'm going to call Albert." > "Call Albert? Don't you trust them, Mulder?" CROW: Agent Mood Swing, Agent Psycho, and Agent Arch Hall - what's not to trust? > Mulder rolled the question around in his brain for a second, MIKE: Fortunately there was lots of room for it to roll >then said casually, "Not like I trust you," and hurried out the door. ALL: Y-Y-Y-YA ta ta ta ta ta, Ya ta ta ta ta ta, YA ta ta ta YA TA ta-aaahh! > > Dana found Constance and Annie standing together in the >now-empty lounge. SERVO: Hey! Spread out, you numbskulls! I'll moiderlize ya'! > "What happened?" > "We just sent everyone home after all the excitement," >Annie replied. MIKE: [falsetto] Because if we had sent them home before all the excitement, they'd have missed all the excitement. > "I'm sorry it had to end so early. In fact, Mulder and I have >some work to do, but I wanted to thank you both, for the both of >us. Constance, I'll have this dress back to you..." CROW: Just as soon as someone rips it off her lush, pulsating body? MIKE: "Her Lush Pulsating Body"?!?!?!? CROW: How about, "her plush, luxuriant body"? MIKE: You're not getting any more Barbara Cartland books! > "Dana, it looks great on you. Just keep it." > "I couldn't..." > "Please." SERVO: [as Constance] I mean, you've sweated in it and stuff, ick! > "Thank you. I love it." Dana smiled gratefully at >Constance, too tired to argue any further. > "Agent Scully, is there something wrong?" CROW: Nah, too easy SERVO: Yep > Dana could see >the worry in Annie's eyes and said more assuredly than she felt, > "No, nothing we can't handle." SERVO: Uh, wasn't she the one in the first story who was possessed by Bob and almost killed Cooper in a psychotic rage? MIKE: Yeah, but she could handle that > > Dana stopped leaning against the elevator wall and got off >on her floor, her heels dangling from one hand and her laptop in the >other. CROW: I don't care how limber she is, that's GOTTA hurt!! > She noticed with a frown that Mulder's door was still open >and picked up her pace a bit. > Stepping into his room, she realized that he had just been to MIKE: The bathroom? CROW: The Cheetah Club? SERVO: A higher level of existence? >lazy to close it behind him. His jacket lay on the floor and Mulder >lay sprawled on his bed, cellular phone to his ear. Scully dropped >her shoes on the floor and eased herself into a chair, MIKE: Set a spell. Take yer shoes off. Y'all come back now, y'heah? > reaching up to >undo her hair. She shook out her curls, scratching her head. SERVO: [Scully] Hmm, nope, Minoxidil's not doing any good! Buncha no- good rip-off artists... > "Well, looks like we did it." > "Did what?" Scully asked, giving her hair a final shake. > "You let your hair down." CROW: Ha! And this guy's not on Letterman? MIKE: He is, he just keeps getting bumped. > Scully sighed tolerantly at Mulder, to weary to laugh. >"How's Agent Desmond?" > "Soon to be counting sheep. SERVO: We sent him to New Zealand > I've asked Albert to put a tape >recorder by his bed, just in case he says something in his sleep." CROW: It must have one of those special eight-hour tapes > "If they drug him..." > "Just a hunch, Scully." > Scully rubbed the bridge of her nose with her fingers. >"Now, who is Philip Jeffries?" SERVO: [falsetto] Who told you that name?!? Lies, all lies! > "Jeffries was another agent, like Desmond, working on >Cole's Blue Rose cases." > "Do you get the feeling that we're being left out of this >operation?" CROW: Remove funny bone, ha ha > Mulder sat up and placed his hands on his knees, brow >furrowed. "There's a lot we don't know about here, Scully. I'm >tempted to get on a plane and leave this place to Cooper." > "Why?" Scully asked, flabbergasted. MIKE: Have you seen the utility bills?!? And the maintenance costs... > "It..." SERVO: Bing ALL: [MPFC theme] Da-a-a-ah-dumdadumdada DUM dumdumda DUMdaDUMdaDA... > he looked up and grinned mischievously at her, "it >gives me the creeps." > "You? 'Creeped'? Let me mark my calendar...I thought you >didn't get 'creeped.'" CROW: That's "crept". > "Don't you mean 'spooked'?" > "Seriously Mulder, what do you think is the significance of >Desmond's reappearance?" > "I think...he may be Mike. MIKE: Hey, don't try and drag me into this! CROW: [giggling] Sing us a song, Chet! SERVO: [snorking] Yeah, let's hear "Don't Make Me Dream About You" MIKE: Knock it off! > The One-Armed Man who has >been chasing Bob, trying to destroy him. SERVO: Did we just slip over into "The Fugitive"? MIKE: There was a one-armed man in "Twin Peaks" CROW: And a character named Gerard SERVO: So that means Cooper is really David Janssen MIKE: Or Bob's Tommy Lee Jones in disguise > Did you see his arm >shaking?" > Scully nodded, still not quite sure what to make of the >evidence she had seen. > "So where's Bob?" MIKE: What About Bob? > Mulder only shook his head and shrugged slightly. > "I'd like to take a look at Agent Desmond tomorrow >morning, " SERVO: Drive him around the block, kick the tires... > Scully said, getting up from the chair and retrieving her >shoes. "Get some sleep, Mulder. You look beat." > "G'night Scully." He paused and a smile began forming on >his lips. MIKE: [as Mulder] You wouldn't consider leaving the shoes, would you? > "You know, I had fun tonight." > Scully smiled wryly, "Only you would, Mulder." > He sat up and followed her to the door. "I mean it." > Scully stared at him out of the corner of her eye and said >warily, "I know you do." MIKE: Madness, hallucinations, missing persons, supernatural killers... CROW: It's *fun*!! > His eyes held her, CROW: Just their tentacle stalks, actually > and he opened his mouth as if to say >something, then decided against it. He slid the door shut behind >her, murmuring, "Goodnight." > "Goodnight," she called through the now-shut door. SERVO: [as Scully] You won't hurt the shoes too much, right? Right?!? > "The >party never stops," she murmured to herself sarcastically, turning to >her own room. SERVO: [announcer] Yes, the party never stops, here on Dana Scully's Party Machine! >[Twin Peaks Hospital, 9:00 AM] > "Where's Gordon?" MIKE: The zany new situation comedy on the WB!! > Mulder asked as he and Scully met >Cooper, Truman, and Rosenfield in the hospital lobby. > "He had to fly back to Washington this morning. CROW: And boy are his arms tired! [Mike and Servo groan] Well, you were both thinkin' it! > Urgent >business." > "I'm sure," murmured Mulder under his breath, then louder, >"they must've gotten him a new hearing aid." SERVO: *He's* grouchy before his coffee, too > "Left without so much as a good-bye?" Scully queried with >sarcasm. > "Disappointed?" Scully shot Mulder a glare and lengthened >her strides. CROW: That's a neat trick MIKE: Well, she *is* a doctor > "He's been asking for you," the lab-coated doctor said to >Cooper as they walked into the wing where Desmond was being >held. > Mulder saw Scully's eyebrow rise CROW: And burst into flames SERVO: Oh the *humanity*! MIKE: The helium supply had been cut off, she had no choice but to use hydrogen > and watched her make her >way through the door first, scooping up the medical chart at the >foot of the bed immediately. MIKE: Let's see, you medical insurance runs out at noon - we'll have you up and about by 11:59, Mr. Desmond! > Chester Desmond CROW: Lester Maddox? > was sitting up, looking completely >changed from the night before. SERVO: Now he looked like Shania Twain ALL: [sigh] > His eyes were clear and he >recognized familiar faces. > "Agent Rosenfield," his voice had the tinge of a friendly >southern drawl, "I bring you important information." SERVO: About Vince Foster > He looked >around at the unfamiliar faces with curiosity. > "Agent Desmond. These are Agents Scully and Mulder, CROW: Fridays at 9, 8 central >and Agent Cooper, CROW: Syndicated on Bravo ALL: Where they respect the rights of all the artists, but cut their work anyway! > who's been following your case for quite some >time. Local law, Sheriff Truman." MIKE: LA Law, Jimmy Smits CROW & SERVO: Switch! > Desmond nodded at each >introduction. > "I thought Cole was here..." > "He had to go to D.C." MIKE: He was still miffed at Marvel over that whole Jack Kirby deal > Cooper interjected into their little reunion firmly, "Agent >Desmond, where have you been? What is so important that you >need to tell us?" SERVO: [Desmond] All of your flies are open. I just thought you should know > Desmond regarded Cooper for a moment, then replied >quietly, "I know of your plan to seal the gateways. I know how >you can do it." CROW: Duct tape > "Is that where you've been?" asked Mulder, "Inside the >Lodges?" > "Where have you been?" Desmond countered. CROW: Asleep SERVO: I'm precariously close to dropping over plot-point canyon here > "That's enough of the back-talk, flyboy," Albert snapped, >placing his hands on his hips. CROW: A-a-and SQUAT and thrust and SQUAT and thrust and SQUAT and two and three and four - > "You've been gone damn near seven >years, I wanna know what happened to you in that time." CROW: Well, we had a couple of people leave, they changed Servo's voice, there've been a couple of Turkey Day specials, and then this Herzog guy shows up and - MIKE: [whispering] Not us, Crow, them! > Desmond turned and looked Cooper directly in the eyes, "I >don't believe we have time to go into this right now." > "Why not?" Cooper asked, his brow furrowing with >concern. SERVO: Because I'm here to kill- dah, um, that is, help you, yeah, that's it! > "Because...he's following me. He knows what you're >planning on doing." SERVO: He knows when you are sleeping CROW: He knows when you're awake > "So it can be done?" Scully asked, drawing Desmond's >attention. He nodded affirmative. "How?" Scully demanded. > "I'll have to show you." MIKE: It involves a jar of rubber cement, a duck, and Windows '95 > "Who's following you?" Mulder asked, his face curiously >intense. "Bob?" Mulder leaned in close to Desmond, looking at >him as if he was searching him with x-ray vision. "Are you Mike?" >he asked carefully. MIKE: Well, the last time I checked, yeah! > A look of anger rippled across Chester Desmond's face, CROW: Fester Bestertester? >then one of restraint. "I am Special Agent Chester Desmond. CROW: Uncle Fester? MIKE: Okay, Crow, that's enough! >I don't know who you are, mister, but I've made my way back...from >that place, to come and help you." SERVO: And not kill you. Nope, definitely not to kill you! > Desmond's gaze became distant >and he intoned, "I've traveled...Through the darkness of futures >past..." CROW: Time Traxx? > Cooper picked up the familiar line as the rest of the group >fell silent, "...The magician longs to see..." SERVO: Forever Knight? > "One chance out between two worlds..." MIKE: Deep Space Nine? > Dana found herself mouthing the frighteningly familiar >words as Cooper and Desmond's voices blended together, "Fire, >walk with me." SERVO: Once again, that's "http://www.msstate.edu/M/title-exact?352E47" > All were silent, until Desmond added ominously, "He's >coming." CROW: Yeah, but eyes aren't even gl- MIKE: AHEM!!! This *is* a family newsgroup! > A chill ran down Dana's spine. > A silence fell upon them again, SERVO: Hopefully, a 16-ton silence > until Truman placed a hand >on Cooper's shoulder. "Why don't we let Chet rest a bit before we >head out?" CROW: [Minnesotan] Oh, the poor dear needs his rest, doncha know? SERVO: [ditto] Oh, yah, tha's fer sure, an' when he gets up, we'll fix him a nice big plate a'yer hotdish, Ethel. > "Good idea, Harry. Sound good to you, Chet?" > Desmond nodded, looking wan and spent. > They all shuffled out of the hospital room, grim-faced but >determined. CROW: Good Night Chet SERVO: Good Night, David > "Mulder, Harry and I will keep watch here. MIKE: Well, how's everyone else gonna know what time it is? > Why don't you >and Scully and Albert go grab our gear from the station," Coop >suggested. > "Sure," Mulder replied, "let me give you mine and Scully's >cellular numbers. Call us the instant anything happens." CROW: I just saw a woodchuck! MIKE: Okay, *almost* "anything" > "At last! The joys of modern technology," Albert >commented, looking pointedly at Sheriff Truman. > "Old habits die hard," Truman replied gruffly. SERVO: [announcer] Die Hard 4: Old Habits MIKE: [ditto] Bruce Willis and Whoopi Goldberg team up to save a monastery from evil terrorists, and sing songs with teenagers! > > Scully and Mulder rumbled along the road back to the >station; Albert had optioned to drive his own car, mumbling >something about how he had a cellular, but nobody ever used it to >call him. CROW: Aw, no one wants to talk to the one-man complaint department! > "Mulder, you're quiet." SERVO: Don't wake him up - *you're ruining it for me*! > "Hmm." > "What are you thinking?" > "I dunno... [All snicker] > I have a question for you- MIKE: [Mulder] Do you think they've forgotten I used to be a Transvestite DEA agent around here? CROW: Not if newsgroup traffic is any indication > was Desmond >drugged?" > "If you're asking if he had Haliparidol in his system, the >answer is no." > "I just have a funny feeling, Scully..." > "Have you seen any dancing midgets?" SERVO: I saw Robert Reich doing the tango - does that count? > "No." > "Then it's just a feeling, Mulder." > "Ha." SERVO: Ho MIKE: Hee CROW: Heh > "I'm actually looking forward to seeing what Desmond has >planned." > "I don't think 'looking forward to' is quite the right way to >put it." CROW: "Dreading it with every bone in my body" perhaps expresses it more succinctly > >[Twin Peaks Sheriff's Station. 11:01 AM] > "Hey Lucy," MIKE: [Desi] "Ah'm, ho-o-o-me!!" CROW: [Lucille Ball] Ricky, wa-a-a-a-h!!! > Mulder said in passing, heading for the >conference room where they had left their maps and plans. > "Hold on a second, Agent Mulder. Agent Mulder!" Lucy >called out, but Mulder had already gone into the room. Scully >walked up to the service window and asked, SERVO: What's with the voice? CROW: She really sounds like Brenda Vacarro, but she's doing her Melanie Griffith impression > "What is it, Lucy?" MIKE: It's a football, Charlie Brown. I'll hold it and you try to kick it. > "Oh, Agent Scully." Lucy Moran's eyes widened and she >lisped, "There's someone here to see you." SERVO: [Lucy] He said his vanity mirror wasn't working... > "Who?" Scully prompted when Lucy did not go on. She >continued to give Dana a strange look. "Ms. Moran, is there >something wrong?" MIKE: Oh, where to begin? > Lucy started and lowered her eyes. "No..." she looked up >again into Dana's annoyed eyes, "...well...yes. CROW: No! Maybe! Wait! Can I change my answer? > The FBI have >women agents?" she asked carefully. SERVO: She's asking *Scully*? MIKE: I'm guessing Lucy's grip on reality is down to the fingernails! > "Yes!" Dana replied, exasperated at such a simple question. >"Obviously, they do." > "Well, the LAST time it wasn't so obvious," Lucy replied >crossly. > Scully didn't even bother to try and understand Lucy's >comment. CROW: Since Scully is presumably from *Earth*, that would be impossible SERVO: Don't presume that - "X-Files", remember? > "You said someone was here to see me. Me as in me, or >as in Agent Mulder and myself?" > A confused frown formed on Lucy's forehead. "Well, I >imagine he's here to see you and Agent Mulder. I didn't really ask, >because he came in here in such a hurry, I just told him to wait in >room three and told him that you'd be back here really soon, but I >suppose since he's also an FBI agent that he could see you or Agent >Mulder, or even Agent Cooper, if he were here, but since he's not I >guess..." CROW: YAAAAAHHH!!! I CONFESS, I CONFESS, JUST MAKE HER STOP, MAKE HER STOP... [breaks down into sobbing] > "Lucy," Scully grated, placing her hands firmly upon her >window sill. MIKE: That's one of the lesser known parts of the anatomy SERVO: Number 12: the window sill (rare). > "Who is here? Gordon Cole?" > "Cole? MIKE: Just a little chilly, actually, but thanks for asking > No, I didn't say anything about him. You have an >Agent Jeffries waiting for you in room three. SERVO: Just one? > I almost didn't think >he was an agent because he was wearing..." > Dana left Lucy rambling and burst into CROW: A gazillion pieces > the conference room >where she found Mulder struggling to fold a large map. > "Hey Dana, it's about time. You're a doctor, a physicist, >and a woman. SERVO: [announcer] *Now* how much would you give for the set? > You hafta be able to fold one of these things..." > "Mulder!" > "What?" > "I think we need to go next door." MIKE: Hey, you should have thought of that before we left! -- ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:12 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!uwm.edu! vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 6/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 07:53:09 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 757 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5ut5$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25814 alt.tv.mst3k:42233 >[11:11 AM] > Mulder and Scully peered cautiously into room three, as if >worried they would frighten whoever was inside. CROW: Excuse me, sir, are you nervous? MIKE: [immediately] Nope!! > A gaunt figure sat slumped in one of the chairs by the >windows, his face angular and his hair a shock of blonde that stood >straight up from his head in an outrageous buzz cut. MIKE: It's the Green Day guy! CROW: Uh, actually, it's - MIKE: David Bowie, I know > He wore a >loud Hawaiian shirt and black slacks. He didn't hear Mulder and >Scully enter the room. SERVO: He's too busy jazzin' for Blue Jean. > "Agent Jeffries?" Mulder asked, his hand hovering over his >sidearm. SERVO: Telekenesis! MIKE: Special Effects CROW: The power of music! > "I'm Agent Fox Mulder and this is Agent Scully." > The man swiveled in his seat to face them. His expression >was one of malice and of fear. > "HE'S HERE!" ALL: YAAAAHHHH!! CROW: Don't *do* that! > Jeffries screamed, a howling laughter and a >maniacal cackle. His arms began to flail wildly, and Scully moved >forward to help him. SERVO: No, no, you're flailing your arms all wrong! Watch me - CROW: You couldn't flail your arms with a 90 MPH tailwind!! SERVO: Oh, bite me, goldenboy! > "Scully," Mulder warned, reaching for her arm. SERVO: [Scully] Not me, doofus, grab *his* arms! > "My god, Mulder!" Scully replied, grabbing Jeffries' arms >and trying to calm him, "Help me." > Mulder moved forward quickly and together they got >Jeffries to stop thrashing. MIKE: Who are you to judge his generation's music?! SERVO: Ah, these kids today, with the hair and the music... > "I'm going to call the hospital," Mulder said hurriedly, >reaching into his coat for his phone. He flipped it open only to find >it crackling with static. MIKE: And hickory-smoked flavor! > Scully heard the noise and produced her >own phone, CROW: That's because she controls the means of production SERVO: The workers groan under the burden of a Scullyarchy! > only to find that it was inoperable as well. > "He- he knows...he knows!" MIKE: He knows you're alone! > Jeffries was obviously >extremely agitated. "You can't let him...stop. The one who wears >the ring knows the way!" CROW: Givvumms precious!! > Mulder and Scully heard a noise behind them, and saw >Albert enter the room, his hands full with cups of coffee. > "What the hell are you two doing in here...?" SERVO: Fine, don't say hello. MIKE: Is that the way your mother & I taught you to enter a room, young man? > Albert looked >beyond them and his mouth opened and closed. "Jesus, they're >coming out of the damn woodwork!" SERVO: Better get Orkin on the phone > Mulder and Scully turned back to look at Jeffries, only to >find CROW: They really didn't care for him > an empty chair. > "Mulder! Where'd he go?" Scully jumped to the windows SERVO: 14.2 meters. She's ready for Atlanta! >and peered outside, scanning the bushes beyond for any movement. > "I don't think he went that way," Mulder said grimly. MIKE: Maybe he left by the Jeffries Tubes > >[Twin Peaks Hospital, 11:11 AM] SERVO: Previously on "Twin Peaks Hospital"... > A loud crash brought Cooper and Truman quickly into >Desmond's hospital room, where they found him standing at the >window, panting, shattered glass all over the floor. MIKE: [dully] I can't change the channel... > "He's found me! It's time to go, now...beyond the fire." CROW: Hey, *we* didn't start the fire! > Cooper and Truman looked at each other, unsure. MIKE: Should he kill us now, or wait till later? > "Let me call Mulder and Scully," Truman said, moving >back towards the nurses' station, "get him ready to go." SERVO: Yes, at Twin Peaks Hospital, *you* decide when you're well! > Cooper nodded, stepping gingerly towards Desmond who >was bare-footed and SERVO: Pregnant! > only partially dressed in a hospital gown. > Truman picked up a phone at the nurses' station and dialed >Mulder's cellular number, only to receive a hissing static. MIKE: Daphne! Velma! Mulder's trapped in the snake pit! > Cursing, >he quickly dialed Scully's number, also with no connection. "So >much for your high-tech," he mumbled as he struggled to remember SERVO: When life was easy, on "The Rookies" >Albert's car phone number. It crackled in his ear and Truman felt a >knot of dread forming in his stomach. MIKE: All he hears is radio ga-ga CROW: Radio goo-goo? MIKE: No, radio ga-ga > He dialed the station, but >couldn't get through. CROW: That's my birthday! Caller ten wins $106!! Let's see, it's, uh, 555- J106, and - geez, five studio lines and I still can't through?!? > "Well?" Cooper asked as he emerged from Desmond's >room, supporting Chester gently from the right side. > "I can't reach 'em, Coop. I don't know what's going on." SERVO: Why should you get special privileges? > "We'll just have to go without them." > "But Coop!" MIKE: What light through yonder window breaks? CROW: It is da east, and Chester is da sun! > "Harry, if Agent Desmond is correct in saying that Bob is >back in Twin Peaks, I believe it is of grave importance that we do >not delay for a second." CROW: There is not time, so we will not use contractions > Truman's mouth became a thin line, SERVO: The Thin Tru Line > but he nodded curtly. >"Let's go." > >[11:24 AM] > "I can't get through," Mulder said angrily, slamming the >phone back on it's cradle. [All make baby noises] > Lucy flinched and replied defensively, >"Well, don't blame me." > "Let's go back," Scully said, moving towards the door. > "No, I'll go. CROW: No, I'll go! SERVO: No, I'll go! MIKE: No, I'll go! > You and Rosenfield stay here in case Jeffries >reappears or if Cooper and Truman show up. They may be >experiencing the same phenomena as we are." SERVO: Or maybe they're just talking to their psychic friends > "Mulder..." Scully began, but Mulder was already out the >door. She folded her arms in annoyance. "I don't believe this." MIKE: Oh, you never believe anything! > "I'm starved," Albert replied, seemingly unconcerned. "I >didn't have any breakfast. I'm heading down to the Double R to get >some grub CROW: He's gonna eat worms at the railroad? SERVO: [mounrfully] Why don't they look? > while we wait for hot-shot to call. You want anything?" SERVO: Her life back! > "I'll go," Scully said distractedly, "you stay here." > "I'll go," Lucy volunteered, but they ignored her. MIKE: No, I'll go! SERVO: No, *I'll* go!! CROW: No, I'LL go!!! > "Agent Scully..." > "Agent Rosenfield, your keys, please?" Albert opened his >mouth to argue, then thought the better of it, fishing his keys out of >his pocket CROW: I bet he rides that Prodigy bus, too! > and handing them to Scully. "Thank you." > Albert brought his hands up and began instructing Scully. >"I'd like a grilled cheese sandwich. Now, I don't want it on rye or >on white, just wheat. And not that processed American cheese >crap, I want one slice of cheddar, just cheddar, and two, and I mean >two, slices of Swiss, ya got that?" SERVO: You get the feeling Albert was potty trained at 4 months? > "Got it, grilled cheese," Scully replied, rolling her eyes. >Albert sighed, disgusted, and shot a withering look at Lucy. > "What are you staring at?!" SERVO: [as Lucy] Um, well, there's this thingy on your neck, kinda like a mole but not really, 'cause it's kinda blueish, and it's shaped a little like a map of Ohio, and it's got this one itty bitty hair in the middle, and it's, um, wel, not *too* blueish, but - CROW: MI-I-I-I-I-IKE! MAKE HIM STOP!!!! MIKE: C'mon Tom, you're driving poor Crow up the wall! SERVO: [mumbling] ninety mile tailwind my HINDER! > >[Twin Peaks Hospital, 11:48 AM] > Mulder turned into the hallway, CROW: Simple Morph effect SERVO: Been there; taped that > his heart pounding; there >was no sign of Cooper or Truman. He opened the door to >Desmond's room, only to find a nurse turning down the empty bed SERVO: Wocka chickabaWOW >and a pile of broken glass around the shattered window. > "Where is Agent Cooper or Sheriff Truman?" he asked the >woman. > "I don't know, they just left..." > "Glastonbury Grove?" Mulder hazarded. CROW: [as nurse] No thanks, I just ate > "They didn't say," the nurse replied, shrugging. > Mulder slapped his palms on the door in frustration as he >exited and reached for his cellular phone. MIKE: Y'ever notice their cell phones have calling areas of about, say, thirty light years? SERVO: It's a secret government project. > >[Sheriff's Station, 11:50 AM] > "Agent Rosenfield, phone for you, it's Agent Mulder." > "Yeap." > "Rosenfield, where's Scully?" SERVO: She went out to get me a grilled cheese sandwich. She'll be back in about 6 hours. > "Went to the Double R, why, what's up?" > "Damn it, Albert! Cooper and Truman are gone, they took >Desmond with them." > "What?! Where are they going?" MIKE: As far away from David Lynch as they can get > "I think they may be headed to Glastonbury Grove." > "I'll try and raise Scully again." CROW: SCULLY! COME FORTH!! > >[RR Diner. 12:10 PM] > Scully eased onto a stool and mustered a smile for Norma. CROW: She was just tryin to ketchup! Get it, hahah, ya see, she was... MIKE: Your pun generator's working overtime today > "Grilled cheese, coffee with cream, no sugar, to go please." > "Coming right up." > Scully drummed her fingers on the spotless Formica >countertop, exasperated. She felt as if she were trapped in some >sort of hazy dream... SERVO: Oh I don't think... > bad choice of words, she thought to herself >wryly. > An elderly gentleman sat a few stools down from Dana. >The bright, antiseptic white of the counter paled his translucent skin >even further; MIKE: Edgar Winters, ladies and gentlemen. > the creamy white of the coffee cup he held in his >wrinkled hand seemed to hold a black hole of coffee, the blackness >contrasting harshly with it's surroundings. It looked as if he were >trying to consume a limitless pit of black; CROW: I'm guessin' the point here is that the coffee is black > Scully heard him sipping >loudly in the tomb-like silence of the diner and shuddered >involuntarily. SERVO: [as Scully] Ugh! Decaff! > Just then, the door jangled open and she felt a >presence at her elbow. CROW: It was Juan Valdez > Turning slowly, she felt her skin crawl; it >was Margaret, toting the ever-present log in her arms. > "Your phone is ringing," she told her, pushing her >eyeglasses further up her nose with a finger. SERVO: Oh, it's a leftover "Murphy Brown" receptionist joke > "Excuse me?" Scully replied, confused. The diner remained >unnaturally quiet. MIKE: She said, NICE NIGHT ISN'T IT? > "The phone in your pocket- it's ringing," the Log Lady >insisted. "Answer it." > Scully kept her eyes fixed on Margaret's as she reached into >her coat and, disbelieving, opened her phone. > "Hello?" CROW: [Russian accent] Hello, this is Boris. Is Tovarisch Willie there? > "Agent Scully! I've been ringing your phone for the last 15 >minutes. Where have you been?" > "Albert! Right here at the Double R," Scully looked wide- >eyed at Margaret, who smiled sagely and stroked her log. MIKE: Good log. Here, have some splinters >"What is it?" > "Mulder's taken off after Cooper and Truman. They've >taken Desmond." > "What happened?" > "Looks like Desmond freaked out. Mulder said his window >was broken." CROW: Just hit Control-Alt-Delete, wait for the reboot, and hit F1 to run setup SERVO: If she had a Mac - MIKE: Guys, we are definitely NOT going to that well anymore! > "I'll be right there." Scully closed down the line. >"Dammit!" she swore as she scrambled to find cash to leave on the >counter. She slid off her stool, ALL: EEEWWWWWW!! > nearly ramming smack into the Log >Lady. CROW: Scully's tryin' to sell the tree woman heroin! > "Oh!" > "We have something for you," the Log Lady said, reaching >into her pocket with her free hand. > "What is it?" Scully asked with trepidation. SERVO: A biography of Ewell Gibbons > "We found this under the stage last night." MIKE: It's one of Keith Richards' old veins! SERVO: Why does she keep sayin' "we"? Is she royalty, or just schizo? MIKE: She means her and the log SERVO: That's the strangest thing I ever heard!! CROW: Including LaToya Jackson? SERVO: Okay, second-strangest, but still pretty weird! > Scully took the object the Log Lady held out in her hand >and felt the chilly smooth contours of a metallic surface. CROW: She gave Scully her very own stainless steel log > "It's a ring!" Scully exclaimed. SERVO: [as Scully] This is so sudden! How will I explain it to Fox? > The Log Lady only nodded >slowly. Scully turned it over in her hand, noting the strange >hieroglyph that was carved into its surface. Scully looked up >searchingly at Margaret and asked, urgently, "What does this >mean?" Margaret clutched her log closer to her chest and brought >an open palm to her mouth. > "Whoop. Woowoowooowoooowoowoo!" MIKE: Y'know, there's absolutely nothing we can say about this scene that could make it any weirder than it already is. > Scully felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck at the sound CROW: She's got that hard to manage hair >and jumped when Norma called her name. "Agent Scully, your >order is ready." SERVO: [Scully] LOGS! I mean, okay, thanks! > Scully turned and picked up the brown paper sack hastily, >trying to recover her frayed nerves. CROW: Yeah, if there's just one slice of Swiss, Albert'll have a snit! > When she spun back around, >Margaret had vanished. Scully rushed out into the parking lot, but >the Log Lady was nowhere to be found. MIKE: That's the way it always is: you just can't see the log lady for the trees. > After spinning three-sixty, CROW: And losing 5 G's in Vegas >Scully yanked open the car door and left the Double R, tires >squealing. SERVO: Dana Scully pops the clutch and tells the world to Eat Her Dust! > >[TP Hospital, 12:40 PM] > Mulder ran a hand down his face, thinking of the fastest way >he could catch Cooper and Truman, when he remembered >something. MIKE: [Mulder] A Car! That just might work! > "Stupid, Mulder," he hissed ALL: Sssss-s-s-s-s-ss! > under his breath as he re- >entered Desmond's room and spied the small black recorder the >nurse had left lying on the night stand. SERVO: Starring Dick Dietrich > Mulder reached for it and >noted with relief that it was still running. He rewound it a bit, then >played it back. CROW: It's that new Beatles song! > "We need to go..." Desmond was saying. Mulder could >hear the crunching of glass underfoot in the background. > "We're going, Desmond." Cooper was with him. > "Where?" Mulder asked the tape. > "Where?" echoed Cooper on the recording. MIKE: Is it live, or is it Mulderex? > "Water, water, water." Mulder frowned; this was >unexpected. CROW: NO ONE EXPECTS THE TWIN PEAKS INQUISITION!!! > "The waterfall." > "Well?" SERVO: [as Reagan] There you go again. > Cooper's voice faded out and Mulder hit the stop >button. He raced out of the hospital, CROW: Passing Kyle Petty, but trailing Jeff Gordon & Rusty Wallace > a sense of urgency hastening >his steps. MIKE: Must... go... over... waterfall... in... barrel... SERVO: Must... borrow... Cooper's... Brylcreem... CROW: Must... get... tickets... for... Icecapades > >[TP Sheriff's Station, conference room two. 12:45 PM] > "'Bout time, lady! SERVO: [announcer] It's Bout Time! Tonight on WWF Challenge, Lex Lugar meets the Steamboat in THE STEELCAGE BOUT!!! > The phones are going intermittent on us. >I haven't been able to contact Cooper or Truman." > "Where's Mulder now?" > "On his way to the Great Northern- MIKE: [Great White North] So, like, g'day, eh? I'm Fox McKenzie, and this is my brother Dale CROW: [ditto] How's it goin', eh? > we're supposed to meet >him there, let's get moving." > "No." > "What?!" SERVO: What part of "no" don't you understand? > Scully whipped out her phone and held her breath until CROW: She turned blue >it began to ring. > "Mulder." > "Mulder, it's me." > "Scully, get yourself and Albert up here." > "No, Mulder. Listen to me; you've got to stop Desmond >from whatever he plans on doing." > "Why?" SERVO: [Scully] Hey, do I question you? MIKE: [Mulder] All the time! SERVO: Annoying ain't it? Now move your pasty white butt! > "Just listen! He is not who he says he is! The woman with >the log...she met me at the Double R. She found something last >night at the Great Northern; a ring, Mulder. With a glyph on it." CROW: Glyph? MIKE: You know; like Glyph Claven SERVO: Or Merv Glyphon MIKE: Or the White Glyphs of Dover SERVO: Or "Tis more blessed to Glyph than to receive". CROW: I think you're beating a dead glyph, now > "Desmond..." SERVO: [singing] said to Molly, "Girl, I love your face..." CROW: [singing] It's the rest of you that I can't stand! heheheh > "Desmond may be Bob." MIKE: Or not. Who knows? > Mulder was silent on his end of >the line. "Mulder, are you there?" CROW: Well, not *completely*, but... > "Yeah, yeah Scully. You and Albert get down here. >They're headed for the waterfall near the Great Northern. MIKE: Oh, don't go chasin' waterfalls SERVO: Yeah, stick with the rivers and the lakes that you're used to > If he's >not here to help close the gateways...he's here to open them, >permanently." SERVO: Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in a Clive Barker novella? > "We'll meet you there as soon as we can." Scully closed the >phone and Albert moved for the door when Scully hesitated. > "What is it now, Scully?" > Scully ignored Albert; CROW: That's the smartest thing she's done, yet > her attention was focused on the >chalkboard at the far end of the room. SERVO: "Scully... has... puf -" HEY! Who let that jerk in here?!? > She approached it, slowly, >the ring she had clutched in her hand was forgotten, sliding from >her fingers and across the floor. > She stooped quickly and picked it up where it had fallen, >near the board. She held the ring carefully, studying more closely >the symbol carved on its' surface. MIKE: "Class of 1990 - Bob & Laura 2 Gether 4 Ever" > As she held it, her hand began to >tremble- then to shake. Scully looked at her hand with horror as the >convulsions continued and she found herself powerless to stop them. CROW: It's a 7.5 - 7.9 - 8.0 on the Richter Scale!! This is the big one!! > "Albert!" she shouted as he leapt to her side, MIKE: Ah, a jete'. Fabulous, simply bravissimo! > steadying her >hand with his. Then, just as suddenly as it had began, the trembling >ceased. Albert and Scully exchanged looks and then Scully turned >once again to the chalkboard, her mouth open in revelation. SERVO: Which section: the trumpets, the vials, or the seals? > "I've got it, Albert...I'm going to Glastonbury Grove." > "WAIT a minute. We need to help Mulder at the Great >Northern!" > "No," Scully sifted through the maps spread on the table, >"I'm going to Glastonbury Grove. CROW: I've heard they have a braised prawn with truffle sauce that's to die for! > Look at the cave drawing!" >Scully pointed at the board, as if stating the obvious. "Here's the >owl glyph on the ring, which is represented by the fire in this >picture." CROW: So what did the roast spotted owl taste like? MIKE: A little like bald eagle > "Uh huh. The Owl Cave." > "Which is situated between the falls here," Scully traced the >drawing with her finger, "and the twelve sycamores here. And >inside the circle of trees, is a ring." > "Agent Scully, we already know that this is only a map..." CROW: Yeah, but try and fold it... > "No, Albert, I believe it's more." Scully gestured with her >hands, SERVO: Because gesturing with her feet would have made her look silly > the pieces falling together in a whirl in her brain. "That's >why Agent Jeffries was here. He was trying to warn us! He said, >'The one who wears the ring knows the way.'" MIKE: Remember, a diamond is forever CROW: So's this story! > "I need a better explanation!" Rosenfield demanded, >pushing his face close to Scully's. SERVO: No one could explain *that* face! > Scully ground her teeth and said low in her throat, "I can't >give you one. It's just a- just a hunch." CROW: That this group must somehow form a family? > "Wonderful!" Albert snarled, "You're battier than Cooper MIKE: What about Mulder? >and Mulder!" MIKE: Oh, okay > Scully glared at Albert, resolute. "Tell Mulder I'm at >Glastonbury Grove and tell him to do what he can with Desmond." CROW: *I'LL* tell him what he can do with Desmond! >Scully headed for the door, Albert hesitating for only an instant >before following. SERVO: [as Albert] Forget it, lady, I ain't doing this alone! MIKE: If he's leaving, I'm leaving. CROW: Let's all go. [Mike & bots exit theater] [6...5...4...3...2...o] [SOL - Crow and Tom are seated in overstuffed armchairs, making small talk. Mike pokes his head in] MIKE: Ah, good evening, and welcome to "Obscure Symbolism Theater". Today, our hosts, Thomas Servo and Crow T. Robot, will be discussing the inherent symbolism in the TV show and movie, "Twin Peaks". And now, Mr. Servo and Mr. Robot. [Mike withdraws] SERVO: Thank you, Michael! Good evening. Our first topic: "The owls are not what they seem." I think that it's obvious that in this case, Lynch's "owls" are metaphors for the public lives we all lead, which in this case are not what they seem, that is, who we are is not who we appear to be. CROW: Ah, I see it more as an attempt to show that evil lurks everywhere, even in the everyday and banal - such as an owl! SERVO: Typical, typical - you're so caught up in the mundane that you can't see the grander design which has been outlined for - CROW: Oh come *on* Servo, you just can't accept my interpretation of the log lady. SERVO: She does *not* stand for Alannis Morissette! CROW: It's simple- the log represents her anger, and her ravings represent the fact that no one can understand a word she screams! SERVO: And the whole thing about the coffee being a symbol for Bosnia was just too silly! CROW: Oh yeah?!? No worse than insisting Sheriff Truman really *is* Harry S Truman!!! SERVO: It's a sly yet telling commentary on post-war politics!! Bob is Robert Taft, Cooper is Adlai Stevenson, Albert is Harold Stassen - it's all so perfect! CROW: Perfectly goofy!! SERVO: You're just attempting to cover up the fact that you're too creatively challenged to grasp the subtleties of the storyline! CROW: And all you're trying to do is make yourself sound like those CPU chips of yours are turbo-charged instead of overhauled Intellivision leftovers! SERVO: Philistine! CROW: Poseur! SERVO: Why you - [Tom & Crow start fighting. Mike comes back on] MIKE: Well, that's about it for today's "Obscure Symbolism Theater". Be with us next week when Mr. Crow & Mr. Robot take on "Blue Velvet", and once again totally miss the real point, namely, that David Lynch is just making it up as he goes along. [lights flash] We'll be right back. [Mike hits the button, and sounds of Crow & Servo's fight continue under the meatball into...] Commercials - 1) CONDOMS, MAN!!! IT'S JUST ANOTHER TOOL OF THE ESTABLISHMENT, MAN!! (like he'd know!) 2) You say you're tired of stand-up? Who knew? How about another AbFab marathon? 3) The Buttmaster - one of the signs of the end times! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:12 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!uwm.edu! vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 7/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 08:03:02 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 754 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5vfm$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25815 alt.tv.mst3k:42234 [Mike and the bots re-enter the theater] MIKE: You guys okay? CROW: He pulled my beak! SERVO: Oh, cry, baby, cry! > >[Great Northern Hotel, 1:00 PM] > Mulder parked his car next to Truman's and leaped out, >weapon drawn. CROW: And it's a nice picture, too. MIKE: Ah, he'll lose it in about five minutes, then get the crap beat out of him SERVO: How do you know? MIKE: He always does on the show SERVO: True > The roar of the waterfall in the distance drowned >out any other possible sounds. He called out anyway, SERVO: That impeccable Mulder logic rises to the surface again > "Cooper! >Sheriff Truman!" CROW: Chief? SERVO: McCloud? > with no answer. He spotted a trailhead leading >towards a waterfall vista point- and hit the ground running. SERVO: He'll break a foot that way >[Ghostwood Forest, 1:12 PM] > "Right here, turn off right here," Rosenfield instructed as >Scully pulled the car off the main road and onto a service road. MIKE: [as Scully] Well, we're lost again, just because you won't stop and ask directions! >Albert jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped, map in hand. >"This way." CROW: To the Great Egress! > Scully grabbed a flashlight and dove into the dark forest >without hesitation; it was calling to her, beckoning. SERVO: [stage whisper] Join us! Join us! > She could feel >the ring, still held tightly in her fist, like a live thing in her hand, >growing warmer. ALL: EEEWWWW! > >[Vista Point] > Mulder saw Truman's large frame sprawled along the >wooden boards of the overlook and quickly CROW: Rummaged it for his wallet and other valuables > knelt to check his >pulse. > "Sheriff Truman, it's Mulder. Where's Desmond?!" MIKE: He took a trolley to the jeweler's store to buy a twenty carat ring > "Uuugh. Agent Mulder..." CROW: My thoughts exactly > Truman struggled to sit up, >slipping on the mist-covered platform. SERVO: Yeah, the platform in "Myst" always gives me problems, too > The sound from the rushing >water made it impossible to speak without shouting. "Down, they >went down!" MIKE: Dooby-doo down down! > Mulder followed Truman's pointing finger with his >eyes, incredulous. CROW: He's got eyestalks! MIKE: I thought you weren't going to do that again CROW: I'm not, but I couldn't pass that one up!! > He peered over the slick railing, down the maw of the >raging water, just able to make out a path carved along the side of >the cliff. Half-way down the path were two figures- CROW: [Groucho] Stra-a-ange figgers! We-e-eird figgers! > locked in a >desperate struggle. One man was Special Agent Dale Cooper. The >other was... SERVO: Wink Martindale? CROW: Glenn Manning? MIKE: Steve Case? > Bob. SERVO: Seen it MIKE: Watched it CROW: Been possessed by it > >[Glastonbury Grove] > Scully and Albert emerged from the forest into a small >clearing that was hushed and still. SERVO: Well no wonder, it's the fairway on the 12th hole at the US Open > "This must be the place," Albert murmured, nodding >towards the stand of twelve spindly sycamores, CROW: [singing] Eleven arthritic ashes, Ten wilted willows... SERVO: [singing] Nine puny poplars, eight moldy maples... MIKE: [singing] Seven little larches, six sickly cedars... ALL: [singing] FIVE GRUESOME GREE-E-ENS! Four shrunken spruce, three parched pine, two forgotten firs, and partly-dead pear tree-e-e-e! CROW: Ah, we do have fun! SERVO: Now shoot us! > arranged in a circle. >In the center of this circle of trees was a circle of rocks, ashes filling >its center. MIKE: That's just Uncle Sid, it was kind of his last request and all > Scully responded only with a nod, giving herself a >minute to catch her breath. Albert folded up the map with precise >sweeps of his arms CROW: John Phillip Sousa goes on vacation > and turned towards her, asking with a raised >eyebrow, "What do we do now?" SERVO: [Scully] Wanna watch the submarine races? MIKE & CROW: With ALBERT?!? [retching noises ensue] SERVO: Hey, in three years, she hasn't had a date yet; she's a lonely, desperate woman! > >[Vista Point] > Mulder drew his weapon, trying to find a clear shot of >Agent Desmond/Bob. CROW: A-a-and smile. Good good, and a little to the left and hold it... > The two agents were partially obscured from >Mulder's view by a rocky overhang; SERVO: [Rocky Squirrel] Again? > the mist from the waterfall >also making visibility difficult. CROW: Don't blame it on *us*! > "How do I get down there?" Mulder demanded. Truman >joined him on the rail, staring down into the abyss. MIKE: And the abyss was staring right back at him > "Cooper's gotta do this, Mulder!" Mulder stared at the >sheriff, aghast. "We can't help him." CROW: Translation: *you* go fight the evil supernatural psycho-killer, I'm stayin' up here where it's nice and dry! MIKE: That about clinches him the "smartest character" award > Mulder pushed himself away >from the rail, disgusted, feeling helpless. He stared at the rushing >water, MIKE: [as Mulder] Uh, scuse me, but where's the little agents' room? > the familiar effect of slow-motion movement in it's midst >giving Mulder a momentary feeling of disorientation; MIKE: The Six Million Dollar Mulder SERVO: We can rebuild him, gentlemen: make him better, stronger, spookier! > then he >fancied he could see the sheets of water, turning into swaying bolts >of cloth. Curtains. CROW: [Churchill] An iron curtain has descended across the Pacific Northwest > "Maybe we can't help him here," Mulder blurted. "There's >another way!" > "Sheriff Truman! Agent Mulder!" Deputy Andy and >Deputy Hawk were sprinting down the footpath. CROW: They were the only racers to finish the grueling Twin Peaks marathon > Hawk called out >again, "Agent Mulder, Agents Scully and Rosenfield are at >Glastonbury Grove. They told us we were to restrain and contain >Agent Desmond." > "That's it!" SERVO: I'm brilliant! Honey, I could kiss me! > Mulder exclaimed. "Truman, I'm on my way to >Glastonbury Grove. Whatever you do, don't let Bob out of your >sight!" CROW: He still owes me twenty bucks! > He reached for the man's hand and shook it firmly, adding, >"And take care of Coop." SERVO: *Permanently!!* > "I'll do what I can," Truman replied, returning Mulder's >grasp. Mulder holstered his gun and sprinted back up the path to >the parking lot. MIKE: [Mulder] Huf Huf - gotta lay off the - huf huf - sunflower seeds! > >[Glastonbury Grove] > "Well," Scully began, unsure, her voice trembling. "'The >one who wears the ring knows the way.'" She opened her palm and >stared at the silver ring. CROW: [as Underdog] The secret compartment of my ring I fill with a Super Proton Energy Pill > "There's only one way to find out," she >picked up the ring with her fingers, SERVO: As opposed to... CROW: Maybe the prehensile tail her alien abduction left her with? SERVO: No, no, that was Sam from Quincy who was doing secret experiments for the US government but selling the results to Tokyo anyway and... MIKE & CROW: Fa-a-an boy! Fa-a-an boy! SERVO: HEY! MIKE: Y'know, that felt pretty good from the other side > feeling every element of her >body crying out a warning, and moved it towards her ring finger. > "NO!" Albert grabbed at the ring, CROW: They say you only go around once, so grab the brass ring when you can! > causing Scully to start in >shock and back away. She saw the intensity and fire in Albert's >eyes and felt a panic rise to her throat. He grinned at her, crazily. >"Oh no you don't." MIKE: And yet another FBI agent goes flying off the deep end SERVO: Note to Louis Freeh: start SCREENING these guys, for crying out loud!! > Dana wanted to scream, but realized that not a single soul >would be able to hear her. CROW: Or a married one, either > >[Glastonbury Grove] > Mulder heard sounds coming through the trees; it was a >voice, loud, threatening. MIKE: Dennis Leary? > "STAY BACK. I'M WARNING YOU! KEEP AWAY!" CROW: [Dr. Smith!] Keep away! Oh, keep away! > Mulder pounded through the underbrush, his breathing >coming in short gasps, finally coming upon an open clearing; >Glastonbury Grove. SERVO: Home of the half-pound Groveburger! > Dana was standing, her arms outstretched towards the circle >of trees, her posture one of acquiescence. She turned her head SERVO: 360 degrees! >at the sound of Mulder's arrival, a look of relief crossing her face for >a fleeting moment. "Mulder!" the concern in her voice was MIKE: Obviously faked >unmistakable. "It's Albert..." > Mulder reached Scully's side and placed a hand on her >shoulder. "Scully, what is it?" SERVO: She just told you, it's Albert > Even as the words left his lips, he >could see why she was afraid. > Albert Rosenfield stood within the circle of the twelve >sycamores, his jaw firm with determination, his eyes tinged with >fear. MIKE: His mouth shining with excitement! SERVO: His hair vibrating in syncopated rhythm! CROW: His nose quivering like a cute little bunny! SERVO & MIKE: Huh? > Behind him, above the circle of stones, the swaying of the >leaves from the trees beyond blended with the ephemeral image of >swaying red curtains. > "Albert, what are you trying to do?" CROW: Give your mother and me a heart attack? > Mulder asked, >drawing a step closer to him and the circle. > "Mulder, stay back. The both of you. STOP!" SERVO: IN THE NAME OF LOVE! > Albert >barked, and Mulder and Scully stopped advancing. CROW: Except on each other MIKE: In your dreams, pal! CROW: Chris Carter's, too. > "Please, Albert. Get out of there," SERVO: The calls are coming from *inside* the trees! > Scully pleaded, her voice >tensed with concern. > "Actually Dana, you were right about coming here. MIKE: You win! You're right all time! Happy now, Queen of Everything?!? > This is >it; the conjunction- SERVO: [singing] junction, what's your function? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses... > Bob, at the waterfall and this, the ring," >Rosenfield held up the ring, gleaming in his hand, "here, at >Glastonbury Grove. His power, divided." CROW: This kinda sounds like that "Next Generation" episode where they all spoke in allegory MIKE: Shakar, when the walls fell. Bob, at the Waterfall. > "Albert," Mulder said sharply, "what are you doing?!" > "Just this, flying saucers for brains." Albert, in one fluid >motion, slipped the owl ring upon one of his fingers, grimacing. MIKE: [Albert] Geez, gotta get this thing sized! >"The wearer of the ring knows the way." He began to back >towards the center of the circle, towards the ring of stones and the >curtains to the Beyond. He murmured softly, as if to himself, "I >know no fear." CROW: At least that's what his T-shirt says > "No, Albert!" Scully cried, tears forming in her eyes, "You >don't know what you're doing!" MIKE: Well, it never stopped anyone else around here > Albert paused in his tracks, for the first time a look of >confidence crossing his harsh features. "On the contrary, Dana, I >know exactly what I'm doing. What do we fear most in this >world?" SERVO: Snakes MIKE: Steven Ratliff CROW: Scrappy Doo MIKE & SERVO: *Scrappy Doo*? CROW: WHERE?!? Jiminy Crickets, don't *do* that!! > Scully shook her head, her mind a blank, ALL: [start to say something, then] Na-a-a-a-ahh!!! > and gripped >Mulder's arm. > "That love is not enough," Mulder replied quietly. MIKE: Y'know, sometimes love just ain't enough > "And what does He fear the most?" SERVO: Flying? MIKE: Public Speaking? CROW: Scrappy Doo? MIKE: What's the deal with you and Scrappy Doo? CROW: It's a long story. Let's just say I'll never trust Hanna again. Barbera's okay, though. MIKE: I'm glad we cleared that up > "That love is enough," Scully answered, wiping a tear from >the corner of her eye and feeling Mulder's protective arm around >her shoulders. "That love is enough, Albert." > "Exactly. And as you both know, I believe in love. SERVO: Love has no boundaries, costs nothing to touch > That's >right boys and girls. There is no revenge, there is no fear, there is >no death; as long as there is Love. I'm the perfect soldier." CROW: Um, should we be feeling some sort of emotion now, guys? MIKE: I'm willing to settle for "dull surprise" >He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed heavily, then >straightened up and said gruffly, "I don't know when I'll be seeing >you all again- give," CROW: To the United Way! > his face fell into an uncharacteristically goofy >grin, "give everyone my love." CROW: Well, suprisingly enough, all the world needs really *is* silly love songs. MIKE: Well what's wrong with that? CROW: I'd like to know? MIKE & CROW: [singing] 'Cause here we go aga-a-a-a-ain!!! SERVO: Oh, please! MIKE: [chuckling] Ah, nothing like a little Paul McCartney to liven things up. SERVO: [mumbling] At a PETA convention maybe! > Albert closed his eyes and parts of >his body began dissolving away SERVO: [announcer] Albert dissolves quickly, to provide pain-relieving action > as invisible arms wrapped around >him, yanking him off his feet and into the curtains behind him. >Scully gasped in surprise and started towards the trees, only to have >Mulder pull her back, shaking his head slightly. MIKE: [as Mulder] We can't beat Albert's analgesic formula > They watched the >image of the curtains sway silently, until they too disappeared, >leaving only the trees and the sound of an owl, hooting in the >darkness of the forest beyond. CROW: Hooty-hoo! Hooty-hoo! > >[Vista Point] > Cooper was bent over, his hands on his knees, his breathing, >ragged. His clothes were soaked with mist, a small trickle of blood >running from the corner of his mouth. CROW: Foolishly, he had tried to bathe the cat! > Even though his hearing was >dimmed by the constant crashing of the waterfall beside him, >Cooper could hear Truman's muffled cries from somewhere above, >calling his name. MIKE: [Cooper] What?!? Speak up, man, I can't hear you! > He could not, however, tear his attention away >for an instant from the foe standing before him. > Desmond stood, his clothes also soaked through. His hair, >dark and slick with wet, SERVO: Once it had been covered with dry: now look at it! > resembled Cooper's as they stood facing >each other, mirror images. He smiled at Cooper, wickedly- MIKE: [singing] What a wicked game he plays, to make Coop feel that way - >Cooper knew he wasn't just fighting for his life; he was fighting for >his very soul. SERVO: [announcer] And the WBA heavyweight championship of the world! > "I will not go back," Cooper stated flatly, straightening up. >"Desmond..." CROW: Where's your barrow in the marketplace? > Desmond's face turned into a snarl, his features flickering >between his own and Bob's, in and out like breathing. SERVO: And IN and BOB and OUT and CHET and IN and BOB and OUT and CHET and... > Out of the corner of his eye, Cooper saw movement on the >cliff face above him; CROW: It's Sergeant Snorkel, hanging by a convenient branch > Deputy Hawk and Harry were making their >way to his position, carefully trying to find handholds along the >treacherous path. > Desmond rotated his head to laugh at their approach. SERVO: 360 degrees? MIKE: *Him*, I'd believe! > "It-is-too-late." he said, his voice heard clearly by Cooper >over the roar of the rushing water, as if the words were spoken >directly in his head. SERVO: [Counselor Troi] Bob! My Imzadi! CROW: Oh, thanks so much for that nightmare image! > "Too late for your friends- too late for-" >Desmond/Bob snapped his fingers, once- and flames leapt from his >fingertips. MIKE: As he rosined up his bow > Cooper swallowed, steeling himself for the journey, when >he heard something clearly in his mind; the sound of a door >unlocking- unlocking and opening. SERVO: Someone's at the door - someone's at the door! > To his amazement, the sheet of >water falling behind Desmond became the red curtains, the sound of >the waterfall fading away into silence, CROW: Wow, do-it-yourself reality! > a crackle of static and the >swooning melodies of a singing voice reverberating in the >background. MIKE: He's picking up VH-1 > There was only him and Him; MIKE: And him CROW: And him, too SERVO: Oh, and don't forget about him > Cooper knew what he >had to do. SERVO: Wash the dog, buy groceries, pay the rent, kill Bob - the usual > > "Cooper!" Truman cried, as he saw his friend leap at >Desmond with inhuman fierceness. SERVO & CROW: Hai Keeba! > His momentum carried them >both off their feet, tumbling off the path and down the cliff face. >Truman watched, helplessly, as the two agents hurtled towards the >churning black waters below, a tangle of limbs. SERVO: [singing] Oh black waters, keep on churning... > And the sound of the rushing water continued... > >[Glastonbury Grove] > "Mulder, we can't leave him." > "Scully, he's gone!" CROW: And all he left behind was this silver bullet > Mulder and Scully stood in the clearing, waiting for a sign >that Albert Rosenfield was still there. A rustling began in the trees, >a feeling of doom settling over the forest. MIKE: Hey, it *is* Albert! > The wind began to howl, >and Scully pushed wisps of hair from her face, squinting. Her voice >betrayed her fear. > "Mulder! What is it?" SERVO: It's your hair, but that's not important right now! > Mulder raised a hand to shield his eyes, the two agents >edging closer to the ring of trees. In a burst of light, they were >thrown backwards as flames shot up from the circle of stones. CROW: [Johnny Cash, singing] Ah fell into a burning ring of stones... >The heat was intense and the plume of fire climbed upwards, towards >the skies, raging. SERVO: Remember, only you can prevent Bob fires! > Scully pushed herself up with her hands, reaching over to >Mulder to see if he was all right. The both brought up their arms to >shield themselves from the blistering heat, as small twigs and leaves >all around began to kindle, smoke filling the air. MIKE: [Mulder] Cancerman! He's behind this! > They pulled each >other to their feet, coughing, when Mulder froze and pointed, eyes >wide. > "Look!" CROW: It is Gamera! He will save us! > There, within the ring of trees stood Bob, his face a knot of >anger and frustration. SERVO: Do you suffer from painful hemorrhoids? > The trees that were his gateway were now >his prison bars and he paced within them like a trapped animal. > "The ring," Bob hissed, the cords standing out of his neck >and arms, "The ring!" SERVO: It must be recharged every 24 hours! And avoid yellow! > The heat and smoke was becoming too intense and Mulder >and Scully had to back away from the horrific sight. MIKE: I had the same reaction to "Waterworld" > They heard a >muffled explosion and the ground rocked beneath their feet, hot >embers flying. > Scully yanked a dazed SERVO: And confused > Mulder away from the clearing, eyes >stinging and ears ringing, CROW: And heart singing, and machine pinging, and static clinging... > while hot pine cones sizzled by them like >missiles. CROW: [Minnesotan] Oh Emma, ya gotta try the sizzlin' hot Pine Cones down at the new restaurant, they're delicious! SERVO: [ditto] Oh, yah, I heerd they're real tasty! > "Come on Mulder!" she cried, hearing the scream of the >forest as the fire began sucking away the air itself. CROW: [Perot] Now, ya, see, that giant suckin' sound y'hear, that's NAFTA's fault! > They stumbled out of the woods, the forest ablaze in their >wake. MIKE: Rub two sticks together, you said! It's easy, you said! > Mulder regained his focus and raced to the drivers side of >the four-by-four, CROW: I guess her feet won't reach these pedals, either > Scully jumping into her seat as he revved the >engine to life. SERVO: [Makes engine noises] > They drove off the service road and onto the asphalt, still >hacking CROW: People, put the PowerBooks down, for cryin' out loud! > from smoke inhalation and their faces streaked with soot. >Scully touched a burned patch on Mulder's shoulder where a pine >cone had struck, and he gasped in pain, flinching. MIKE: Tonight on "The X-Files", Mulder and Scully investigate the Pine Cones of Doom! > Dana only smiled >at his reaction, her eyes red and watering, as he turned to her and >grinned; CROW: This whole S&M thing is a side of Mulder & Scully we haven't seen before! MIKE: [Mulder] Hurt me! Hurt Me! SERVO: [Scully] No > they had made it, together, alive. Scully chanced a glance >behind them, and her happy expression fell. > "Oh my God, Mulder," she said hoarsely. SERVO: [Scully] They've changed our lead-in show *again*! > >[TP Airport, 4:21 PM] > The airstrip parking lot was filled with refugees, cars, and >people spread along the asphalt MIKE: In a smooth, creamy layer. > while just over the horizon Twin >Peaks glowed, afire. Helicopters and fire-fighting planes buzzed >overhead continuously, trying in vain to stop the blaze. CROW: Geez, you imprison one malevolent occult being, and your whole town gets broasted! > Mulder sat on the bumper of an ambulance, getting his >shoulder attended to. Scully stood by, CROW: The burning drek, eating peanuts by the peck > sipping a cup of water, a >blanket around her shoulders. Mulder was arguing through his >pain. > "No sign of them?! SERVO: Nope, haven't been any giant ants 'round these parts in eight, nine months > You're telling me you don't know where >the sheriff of this town is when there is a major crisis going down >here?" MIKE: He's hidin' from his wife down at Smokey's Bar! > "I'm sorry, Agent Mulder." The weary fireman responded, >obviously categorizing Mulder's question as the least of his worries >at the moment, MIKE: Is there, like, any group of civil servants left Mulder *hasn't* ticked off or offended? CROW: "What's that, Mr. Mulder? Your place is on fire? (snicker) Oh, yeah, we'll be there real soon! BWAHAHAHAHAH!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label >From rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Thu Mar 14 19:17:13 1996 Path: mars.efn.org!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!uwm.edu! vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.Traveller.COM!news ~From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k ~Subject: MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 8/8 ~Date: 13 Mar 1996 08:08:39 GMT Organization: # 57776 ~Lines: 785 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <4i5vq7$l2m@tsunami.traveller.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bill.traveller.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 ~Xref: mars.efn.org rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25816 alt.tv.mst3k:42235 > "No one can reach the Great Northern....the river..." SERVO: With Mel Gibson and Sissy Spacek! >the man wiped an arm across his brow, "I ain't never seen anything >like it. The river itself is on fire!" MIKE: He's never been to New York, I take it SERVO: Or Cleveland > Scully sank to the ground at Mulder's feet, limp, as the >scope of the day sank into her mind. CROW: Scully has been unhinged by mouthwash > Mulder fell silent as well, ALL: YA-A-AY!!!! >giving a small nod of thanks to the paramedic, who moved on to his >next patient. They sat in silence, absorbing the sounds of sirens SERVO: [singing] The sounds of sirens >and airplanes zooming overhead. Scully wordlessly handed Mulder >her cup. CROW: Hey, that can't be right! > "Thanks," he murmured. > "Hey," Scully said, touching Mulder's shoe, SERVO: Oh yesyesyes, just touch my shoe, right there... MIKE: Y'know, you're spending way too much time in the "alt" heirarchy > fighting the >tears welling in her eyes, "They'll be okay." > Mulder shut his eyes and bowed his head, shoulders >slumping. MIKE: Now I lay me down to sleep... > Scully felt tears etching tracks along her grime-smeared >face, and swiped at it roughly. > The ground shook with another tremor, CROW: The Giant Worms are back! MIKE: With Fred Ward, Reba McEntire, - CROW: And the great taste of Bacon(tm)! > but this time it was >from the direction of the road. Cries were raised and Scully >glanced in that direction. "I don't believe it," she gasped, climbing >to her feet. SERVO: [Scully] Dallas paid Deion *how* much?!? > Mulder looked up and his mouth fell open at the sight. MIKE: "Open" is its natural state CROW: All it needs is his foot in it > The sheriff's four-by-four careened down the road and into >the parking lot, tires on fire, and paint smoking. CROW: Boy the freeways are gettin' rougher every day! > Deputy Andy was >at the wheel, his hair singed and his eyes bulging with adrenaline. SERVO: [Wakko] Potty Emergency! > They brought the disintegrating vehicle to a halt next to the >ambulance, Deputy Hawk jumping from the passengers side, pulling >Sheriff Truman out gingerly from inside. MIKE: [Truman] OW! Let me get the seat belt open first, ya big load! > "Sheriff Truman!" Scully moved to him and began checking >his injuries. "Medic! We need a medic here, now! Easy," CROW: [sarcastic] Geez, we're gettin' there, Colonel Potter! > Scully >helped Hawk move Truman to a seat as a paramedic group SERVO: [announcer] Paramedics IN CONCERT - featuring Dr.John, Dr. Hook, The Spin Doctors and the Four Nurses of the Apocalypse, performing "Doctor Doctor", "Bad Medicine", and "Sexual Healing" > rushed >and took over. > "What the hell happened?" Mulder asked, noting with his >eyes CROW: And other appendages > the missing people from this group. Hawk threw aside his >jacket and stomped out the embers that clung to it before replying. MIKE: [Hawk] Damn, this was a $170 jacket, too, real leather, not that fake stuff you get at Montgomery Wards', every time I get a good jacket like this, it always - huh? D'you say something? > "We stayed and helped evacuate the Great Northern; many >have fled over the ridge while we got others loaded into choppers." SERVO: Giant flying dentures save the day! >Hawk paused to cough, wiping smoke from his eyes. "We saw >what was happening and rushed to make it back here." > "Where's Annie?" Truman demanded between hacking >coughs. SERVO: [Scully] You should see a doctor about - oh, wait, I *am* a doctor! CROW: I don't think she's really a doctor MIKE: Why not? CROW: Well, all you ever see her do is autopsies. I mean, she even told Mulder to stop CPR after 30 seconds because it was too late! SERVO: She does have a degree, you know CROW: I wouldn't let her look down my throat - that is, if I had a throat to look down SERVO: Good thing she has that Saturn deal to fall back on MIKE: Okay, I call no more Saturn refs > "She's fine," Scully soothed, "she's helping the >townspeople get ready for evacuation. ALL: EWWW!! > I'll let her know you're >safe." > Andy stood to one side, crying silently. SERVO: Oh, boo-hoo! We've all got problems, pal! > The unsaid question >hung in the air, thicker than the cloud of smoke hovering over their >heads. MIKE: Who is Keyser Soze? CROW: To be or not to be? SERVO: Ginger or Mary Ann? [together, ---> MIKE: Mary Ann! immediate] ---> CROW: Ginger! > Annie burst onto the scene, her face a frozen mask of terror. >"Harry! Oh my God," she buried herself in his arms, weeping for >joy. After a moment, she settled on his lap and looked around; CROW: [Truman] Hey, easy, easy, I'm injured here! >a dark expression settled upon her delicate features. "Harry..." she >asked quietly, "not Dale..." SERVO: [British] No, Harry not Dale, Harry patient, Dale missing, you wife, me doctor > All eyes were on Sheriff Truman as he coughed again and >jerked his head once, affirmative. "Coop...didn't make it." CROW: He said he did, but it had "Product of Hong Kong" stamped on the bottom > Scully felt light-headed and swayed for an instant, opening >her eyes to find herself supported by a tight-lipped Mulder. SERVO: Well, for Mulder, this is the best part of the story yet! >He wasn't looking at her but was staring, out at the forest, the >flames licking the treetops, ever closer. MIKE: Figures. He's finally got her in an embrace, and he literally can't see the forest for the trees! > "We found this," Truman pulled out Cooper's tape recorder >from his pocket, handing it to Scully. Dana cranked up the volume >and rewound the tape. SERVO: Check it out, "Greatest Hits of Kansas"! > Taking a deep breath, she pressed play. ALL: [singing] CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SO-O-O-O-ON... > "Diane, I've made a mistake of astounding proportions. >Special Agent Chester Desmond CROW: The Questor Tapes? MIKE & SERVO: STOP THAT!! CROW: Geez, fine!! > has just accosted myself and Harry >and is now climbing the path down the Twin Peaks falls. I have no >idea what he plans on doing, but I know that I must follow." MIKE: [Cooper] Because if I don't, that pretty much blows this whole story >Everyone strained to hear Cooper's words, faint behind the sound >of the water in the background. "This terrible situation has been >orchestrated from the beginning by SERVO: Guy Lomardo and his Royal Canadians! > Bob..." Cooper's voice became >steeled with resolve, "Diane, it's time to put a stop to it." The tape >ended with a squeal. CROW: Ah, gotta love that Kansas! > Andy continued to cry. SERVO: Oh, you gonna cry now, baby? Huh? MIKE: Andy's extremely extremely extremely extremely sensitive > "They went together, over the falls." Truman said >tonelessly. No one could have..." > "Medics! Medics!" The shouts were coming from the >direction of the river; SERVO: Must have been a _Nurse_ Shark MIKE & CROW: D'OH!! > the huddled group held their breaths. A >medic came running to Truman. "Sheriff! A body, down by the >river!" MIKE: [British] RC or C of E? CROW: [ditto] How should I know? MIKE: It's tattooed on the back of the neck! > Truman stood, clutching Annie's hand tightly in his. "Who >is it?" SERVO: It's Annie, your wife > "Why, I believe it's Agent Cooper, sir!" > Scully felt galvanized, CROW: She felt like a bucket? > dropping her blanket and sprinting >across the runway towards the water in the distance. Mulder was >shouting close behind her, "Bring the ambulance!" MIKE: [Mulder] No, don't *bring* it "bring it", just drive it over fast! > > Scully saw him first, floating face up on the water, his eyes >closed peacefully, his skin an icy blue. CROW: If he's wrapped in plastic, I'll scream! > Medics raced past her shoulder and pulled him out of the >water, applying emergency resuscitation. Scully reached for his >wrist and held her breath; but it was there, faint, pulsing. MIKE: Her breath pulsed faintly as she held his wrist SERVO: The wrist: nature's secret erogenous zone > "Scully!" Mulder called, kneeling at her side and grasping >her arm. CROW: Well, if a wrist makes her pant, then the whole arm should... MIKE: We get the picture, Crow CROW: I never get to finish my sentences! MIKE: Well, the FBI might be monitoring these posts CROW: How?!? They're all meeting here in Northwest Washington state for the annual "Psycho Law Enforcement Officers' Convention"! > "He's alive, Mulder." The medics began loading him onto a >stretcher, inserting an IV and wrapping his body in blankets. Scully >grabbed an orderly's arm. CROW: Scully, contain yourself! > "How is he?" > "We've got to evac him right now; ALL: EWWWW!!!!! > his body core >temperature hhas dropped dangerously low. SERVO: The term "brass monkey" mean anything to you? > We have multiple >fractures here, extreme hypothermia, let's go people!" MIKE: They're in worse shape than Cooper! > He brushed >Scully aside, leaping into the back of the ambulance, beckoning the >others to lift the stretcher inside. SERVO: [Medic] C'mon, push! Push! CROW: [ditto] Boy this guy's been spending a little too much time in the cafeteria! > "COOPER! COOPER!" SERVO: Pizza! Pizza! > Gordon Cole raced, breathless, to >Cooper's side, putting a hand on the stretcher to stop the medics. >"COOPER MY LAD! ARE YOU OK?" SERVO "'Cooper my lad'? What, is he a refugee from Dickens? > Scully stared, fixed upon Cooper's face, when to her >amazement his eyes opened. She reached for his hand, speechless, MIKE: Don't! CROW: Ah, that's old already. Next! >and saw his lips moving. She leaned in close, feeling the chill rising >from his pale skin. "Cooper, what is it?" > "Aa- aaa-" he murmured, struggling to form the sounds. SERVO: Oh, well that cleared everything right up. Thanks, Cooper! > "DALE, YOU'RE GONNA PULL THROUGH THIS, NO >QUESTION ABOUT IT. YOU JUST HANG ON! WE'VE GOT >ALL THE EVACUATION PLANES HERE AND READY TO >TAKE EVERYONE OUT OF THIS INFERNO." CROW: [Gordon] OF COURSE, NO ONE BETTER TRY TO GET ON THOSE PLANES AHEAD OF ME! IF YOU THINK I'M STAYING HERE, YOU'RE ALL CRAZIER THAN YOU LOOK! > "Dale," Mulder said, leaning in next to Scully. "What is >it?" > "Ah, ah..." Cooper's brows nit, a look of sorrow twisting >his features, MIKE: [Cooper] "Showgirls"! "Flintstones"! Why can't I ever get decent roles? > "Albert" he sighed finally. Scully closed her eyes, grief >washing through her, grateful for the powerful arms that soon >encircled her. She wept silently in Mulder's arms. CROW: She's shown more emotion in two pages than she has in the last three seasons combined! > "Look people, we have to move!" MIKE: The house is sold, and the van'll be here in a few minutes! > The medics shoved >everyone away from Cooper's stretcher and loaded him in, the >sirens shrieking as it headed for the first of the evacuation planes. >The group stood together, dumbfounded for a moment, SERVO: Then just dumb CROW: And dumber SERVO: Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world? MIKE: Please, I beg of you, no! > when >Truman spoke up. CROW: Well, who's for lunch? > "I've got to see to the evacuation. I'll see you all later," he >cradled Annie in his arms protectively, wearily heading back >towards the tarmac. Cole stopped him with a gesture. MIKE: Same to you, buddy! > "SON, THIS IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY. I'D STAY >HERE AND WAX PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT IT, SERVO: Oh, that's okay, dad, don't bother! > BUT I CAN >FEEL THAT FIRE NIPPING AT MY NOSE- WE GOTTA GET >OUT OF HERE. BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT THE >UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO DO >EVERYTHING THEY CAN MIKE: Oh. that's always reassuring! > TO GET THIS TOWN BACK ON >IT'S FEET ASAP." CROW: [Cole] WE'LL JUST USE SOME TLC PDQ, AND ENGAGE THE SERVICES OF THE FBI & THE TVA > "Thank you Gordon," Truman replied, giving the man a >small smile, then turning again towards his townsfolk. CROW: He's from the government! RUN!!! > Deputy >Hawk moved to Mulder and Scully's side, his eyes following their >gaze; towards the blaze in the forest beyond. MIKE: [Hawk] Wish I had some marshmallows. We could make Smores like you wouldn't believe > "My people," he began, his voice hushed and solemn, >"...they say that fire is the ultimate cleanser- the ultimate purity. It >will sweep this forest clean." CROW: And leave it lemony fresh! > "Fire is also a sign of renewal," Mulder murmured, "a sign >of- rebirth." SERVO: A sign that you left the pot roast in the oven too long > Hawk nodded gravely, his eyes respectful of the >implied hope- and implied fear. > "Yes, Agent Mulder; there is life in fire; but there is also >complete destruction." CROW: Have a nice day >Hawk took the crying Andy by the shoulders and steered him away >to join Truman with the crowds. MIKE: [Hawk] Come on, ya' little... > Scully sniffled defiantly, running her hands through her hair. >She closed her eyes and felt her body give way to the shakes. CROW: Is this Bob again? SERVO: Couldn't be! CROW: Please, no! MIKE: I think we're too close to the end for the gratuitous re-appearance of the villain, guys! CROW: Oh I hope so! SERVO: If this is like, just Chapter One, I won't be held responsible for my actions! >Mulder gently put a hand upon her shoulder and she opened her >eyes and looked up into his. > "It's coming closer," she remarked, nodding to the angry >red blaze that they could now hear crackling and snapping MIKE: I heard Pop was supposed to be here too, but he held out for a percentage deal, so they went on without him >as it burned. > "Yes," Mulder replied, gingerly steering Scully towards the >nearest evac plane. "It's coming." SERVO: [announcer] To the Civic Arena, September 17th! > "YOU KNOW WHAT, AGENT SCULLY? THERE WAS >THE MOST REMARKABLE VIEW FROM THE SKY WHEN >WE MADE OUR APPROACH. CROW: [Cole] ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE GROUND LOOKED JUST LIKE BURNING ANTS! > I COULD'VE SWORN THAT >THE FIRE WAS SHAPED LIKE A BIRD!" Cole flapped his arms >for emphasis. "WEIRD, ISN'T IT?" SERVO: Weird! Yeah, that's the word for it - *weird*! > >[Memorial Hospital- Seattle, Washington. Four days later.] > Scully sneezed at the bouquet of flowers she held in her >arms, prompting Mulder to smile. CROW: Allergies are fun! > "What's with women and flowers, anyways?" > "What's with men and monster trucks?" she retorted >amiably. MIKE: What's with gender stereotyping? > Scully entered a bright and airy hospital room, where >Dale Cooper lay strapped to his bed, an arm and a leg suspended in >plaster. CROW: Yeah, but he might wiggle loose anyway, so be careful! > "How are you today, Cooper?" > "Always better after you visit, Dana." His brows knit into a >puzzled expression, "We seem to have more conversations in >hospitals then we do elsewhere." SERVO: Just call him clumsy CROW: Just call it a sign! > Scully smiled warmly and placed >the flowers where Cooper could see them. MIKE: [Cooper] They're nice, but you're blocking the TV, and I was watching "House of Style" > "You're just terribly accident-prone," she teased, seeing the >desired result of her words as his frown melted away. Various get- >well cards lined the mantle, SERVO: Forming what we call "the Hallmark layer" between the mantle and the crust! > Scully noting Andy's, Constance's, and >Annie's names, among others. She folded her arms and regarded >Cooper; he was looking a bit better. A little color back in his >cheeks and the old light in his eyes. SERVO: [Scully] It's so great to see him looking so cheerful and fanatical again! > He leaned back on his pillows. >"What's the news?" he prompted. CROW: It's the stuff they talk about on CNN > "Well, the fire is still burning in parts of Ghostwood- but >plans for rebuilding Twin Peaks are already being made." SERVO: It's going to be a theme park - "WeirdWorld" > "Good old Gordon, true to his word." > "Amazing," Mulder murmured, sitting down near Cooper's >left leg and inspecting the now eye-level leg cast of his right leg. MIKE: [Mulder] Your knees bend the wrong way CROW: somE timeS mY armS benD bacK SERVO: How'd you do that? CROW: I'm full of secrets! >"He even writes loud." > Scully laughed at the huge scrawl that proclaimed, >"GORDON COLE WAS HERE," emblazoned upon Cooper's cast >in bold ink strokes. MIKE: [dully] Ha ha. Stop. Oh please. > "Any word on Albert?" Cooper asked as casually as he >could after they settled into silence. SERVO: Well, there's "Able", "bet", "tear", "Reba", "tab" - CROW: Not "in" Albert, "*ON*" Albert > "No," Scully replied, her eyes sad, "nothing." > "Cooper, Scully and I have to head back to Washington- but >we won't give up the search." MIKE: [Mulder] We'll check every alien landing site, secret government outpost, and sunflower seed store in the country if we have to! > Cooper nodded gratefully, his eyes crinkling at some past >memory, "Albert's path was always a strange and difficult one." CROW: Oh, I think we figured that out, too, pal! > Scully patted Cooper's shoulder in understanding, then >stood to go. Mulder touched her shoulder and SERVO: She let fly with a karate chop to the neck! > they smiled at >Cooper. "If there's anything..." Mulder began. MIKE: That depends on whether you believe in the subjectivity of existence or not > "ALBERT AHOY!" MIKE: He's in the Navy, too! CROW: Savoir Faire ees Everywhere! > Gordon Cole swept into the hospital >room, a fax dangling from his hand as he shouted excitedly. CROW: [Cole] I GOT TANGLED IN THIS DARN KONICA. GIVE ME A HAND HERE, HUH? >"AGENTS, ALBERT HAS BEEN SPOTTED!" CROW: [still Cole] HE'S GOT THAT PESKY HEMMORAGHIC FEVER AGAIN! > "Where is he?" Scully asked eagerly, joy and relief filling >her heart. > "DANA, THAT'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY. HE'S >BEEN SPOTTED; NOT FOUND." SERVO: Oh, well that makes a dif - HUH?!? > "Gordon," Cooper strained in his confining straps, CROW: HE'S GONNA BLOW!! RUN FOR IT!!! >his familiar patience evaporating. "WHERE IS ALBERT?!" > Gordon scanned their eager faces and MIKE: Put them on his home page, "http://www.fbi.gov/~GCOLE" > referred to the >printout in his hand. "WELL...THERE WAS A REPORT FROM >TIBET..." > "Tibet?" Mulder exclaimed, incredulous. SERVO: He's meeting with Dalai Lama MIKE: And dating Dalai Parton CROW: And eating some Dalai Madison Snack Food(tm) SERVO: Touch the Lama! > "ALBERT'S ALSO BEEN SPOTTED IN ROME, AT THE >VATICAN. AND AGAIN, IN SALT LAKE CITY. JUST A FEW >MINUTES AGO HE WAS SEEN IN THE LOBBY OF TEMPLE >SHIAO-SOMETHING IN JAPAN..." MIKE: Albert's taking no chances > "I don't believe it!" Scully exclaimed, turning to Mulder. >"How can that be?" CROW: It's "Twin Peaks"! It's "X-Files"! *Anything* can be!! > "I dunno, Scully," Mulder was shocked, but a smile also >was appearing across his face. "Maybe he wants to accumulate >some frequent flier miles." ALL: D'OH!!! > "Albert," Cooper exclaimed, a grin spreading across his >features, "got to love the man." SERVO: That Albert is one bad mother- MIKE & CROW: Shut your mouth! SERVO: Just talkin' 'bout Albert! MIKE & CROW: We can dig it! > "But where is he?!" Scully demanded, knowing that she >probably wouldn't like the answer. CROW: I won't, either, if it's a long one! > "As soon as I'm out of this," Cooper gestured to his broken >body, "I'll let ya know." SERVO: He'll answer as soon as he's out of his body? CROW: No, just his head > >the end. SERVO: Coming Soon: "X-Peaks 3: The Search for Albert!" MIKE: C'mon, let's scram! [All Leave] [o...2...3...4...5...6] [Mike and the bots are standing at the table] MIKE: Well, we gotta feel good guys! CROW: Yeah, we made it through another meeting between the freaky peakers and the FBI's strangest special agents. SERVO: I dunno guys - it's just not the same! MIKE: Huh? MIKE: I mean, weird just isn't special any more. CROW: Come *on*, Tommy Boy, this story had everything but Ratboy SERVO: Look, when "Twin Peaks" started, it was creepy, it was bizarre, it was jittery. It may have been a little disorganized - CROW: A *little*?!? SERVO: Okay, it was confusing as heck. My point is, it was unique. Then "X-Files" came along - a little more plot-driven, but still edgey, weird [Johnny Carson voice] just a little bit skewed. MIKE: Yes, and? SERVO: It was *different*! Now you need a scorecard to keep tabs on all the weird, mystical dramas on TV! There's "Picket Fences", "American Gothic", "Nowhere Man", "Strange Luck", "Forever Knight", "Highlander" - let's just face it, guys: bizarre is now normal. CROW: So, you're saying that if a woman walked up to you and started talking to a log, you'd just stand there, all jaded. SERVO: Well, maybe not *all* jaded, but - MIKE: Or if you met some guy who could kill you with his shadow, you'd just laugh it off and go along your merry way, yes? SERVO: No, now - CROW: Or if a giant in bow tie put the whole world into slo-mo just so he could give you a message, like some freakazoid Western Union, you'd - SERVO: OKAY OKAY! All I'm saying is that TV is a lot weirder now than it used to be. MIKE: Uh-huh. You mean back when it had the talking horse, and the talking car - CROW: And the beautiful blonde witch, and the beautiful blonde genie - MIKE: And the hillbillies living in LA, and the socialite living in Hooterville - CROW: And Ricky and Lucy and Wally and the Beav and Princess - MIKE: And Kirk & Spock and the Robinsons & Dr Smith and Moonbase Alpha and - SERVO: Fine! Reduce my analagies to dust if you will, but you can't deny one thing: nothing on TV can match the weirdness - the horror - the evil - of "America's Funniest Home Videos"!! CROW: Ah, he's got us there, Mike. MIKE: Nope, can't fight that. Say, Tom, before you get too "Mondo Cain"-ish on us, why don't you give the readers the old curriculum vitae. SERVO: Sure, fine, whatever. [announcer] To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to "mneylon@engin.umich.edu" with "DIBS-SUB" in the subject line and text in the message indicating you wish to join the Dibs List. Be sure to read the Guidelines for MiSTing, described in the FAQ. [lights flash] CROW: Well, we all did learn one very important thing. MIKE: What's that? CROW: If a pop star just shows up unexpectedly, run like hell! SERVO: Oh my, yes! CROW: Oh, uh, Dr. Strangepost is calling MIKE: Yeah. Hey Forrester, how's old Dennis working out? [D13 - Dr. F is still sitting at his desk, now covered in loose paper and envelopes] DR.F: Well, sad to say it didn't work out - I mean he had the right credentials - he was certainly evil enough - but he chickened out. He claimed he got a deal to do a movie with Sandra Bullock instead. [SOL - everyone is laughing] SERVO: Sandra Bullock?!?! BWAH-HAHAHAHAH!!! CROW: He couldn't get a movie deal with JM J Bullock!! Heheheheheheh!! MIKE: Oh, my, hoo hoo, face it, Clay, he just couldn't handle you! [D13] DR.F: True, true. And already the mail is starting to pile up again. [picks up a letter] Oh, a letter from Mom, how nice [tosses it over his shoulder]. But all that will soon change, because I've found my new assistant. Meet the newest member of the Deep 13 team [a slim man with a neatly tailored suit and a spangled guitar wanders in ] - Chris Isaak. [SOL] ALL: CHRIS ISAAK?!?!? YAAAAAHHHHH!!!! [Everyone runs off] [D13] DR.F: Huh, I knew you had potential , Chris, but I must say that was impressive!! Now, I'll show you your broom closet here [Dr F turns and starts to the back. Chris pulls a knife and follows him] But first, be a lad and push the button, hm? CHRIS [singing] Don't make me dream abou- WUFFF!! [an even slimmer man in an even nattier looking suit tackles him amid sections; they start wrestling] DR.F: What?!? David Bowie and Chris Isaak are wrestling on my floor? [disgustedly] You just can't keep good help these days! Never mind, Chris, just have your little fun - I'LL push the button!! [Dr. F walks over and - ] [FWOOSH!!!] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "THE VANISHED": by Peggy Mei-Ling Li MiSTING OF "VANISHED": by Bill Livingston MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon CASH: by the U.S. Treasury Department (all rights reserved) PAINT: by numbers XENA: Warrior Princess THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the authors of all the Amendments (except the 22nd), and whoever invented peanut butter. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. All characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or owners. In spite of what anyone may say. Use of copyrighted and trade- marked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc., Lynch/Frost, Ten Thirteen Productions, or others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied; impersonal ones are allowed, as long as the proper form is filled out! Find out how you can help save "Mystery Science Theater 3000"! See the "Save MST3K Page" at http://fermi.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j/canceled.html No animals were harmed in the making of these articles, although several microbes were savagely beaten out of existence Keep circulating the posts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Look mister Creepy, Freaky, whatever they call you," >Albert interrupted, "you may be Howard Cosell of the Wide World >of the Paranormal, but I believe Cooper has seniority here." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ bill@Traveller.COM Best if Used by Date on Label -----------------------------15287323791670 Content-Disposition: form-data; name="userfile"; filename="MXPHILE.txt" Content-Type: text/plain Hi Folks! This is my second MiSTing! I took what I could from the first and tried to improve it a bit. This is also my origional story! Please let me know how I did! It's really hard to improve when one doesn't know how one is doing! Translation: SEND FEEDBACK!!!! (Should you feel the need for flame, be warned it will be used on helpless marshmallows! :) ) Oh! And my memory is rather poor when it comes to MiSTing jokes and on more than one occasion I've put down a joke that was used by someone else in an earlier fic. Needless to say I erase those. But like I said my memory is poor so if I miss a few, just let me know and I'll make the nessissary revisions and re-post. Mike stands at the counter with Tom and Crow. They are arguing. MIKE: You seriously expect me to believe that?! TOM: Yes. CROW: Why not? It's possible. MIKE: You guys. Star Wars is *not* real! TOM: Okay Mr. Smartypants then explain to us how George Lucas was able to get all those details and the Force? I mean. Come on... (Suddenly out of no where Joel appears. He hovers in the air for a split second before crashing to the counter. Everyone jumps back in shock. Joel looks up at the bots, then to Mike, and finally to the camera. He slumps down and his face has a "I-don't-believe-this" look.) BOTS: Joel!!! MIKE: Uh, hi. Welcome to the Satilite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and these are the bots Tom and Crow. JOEL: Joel Hodgson. (he nods in recognition to the Bots. Mike notices.) MIKE: *You're* Joel?! JOEL: 'Fraid so. MIKE: It's a pleasure to finally meet you. (reaches out to shake Joel's hand) JOEL: (a little confused) Yeah, I'm glad to meet the man who's been taking such good care of the bots. (they shake hands) Although I must say I wish the circumstances were a little bit better. TOM: Don't we all. JOEL: Wait! They can't see me here! I'll never get out again! (He looks around wildly for a place to hide.) CROW: Um, er..uh.. MIKE: Quick! Duck under the counter! (shoves Joel down under the counter.) PEARL: (annoyed) What took you so long Nelson? In the bathroom? MIKE: Uh, yeah. TOM: Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many times we had to bang on the door! CROW: (haltingly) Right, it..uh..took him forever in there. PEARL: (skeptically) Okayyy..Well! Anyway, I decided to give you a break today. Instead of a movie I thought I'd send you fanfic. JOEL: (muffled and quiet) What?! (Mike kicks at him.) MIKE: (loudly) Right! So who wrote it? PEARL: (shark smile) It was written by Happy. MIKE: (a look of anguish) Happy?! She wrote another one?! TOM: (depressed) Ohhh, crap. CROW: (sighing) Man... PEARL: (enjoying their responses) Yes, and once again it deals with alternate realities. It's titled "There is an X-Phile (or two) in the Basement Office." BRAINGUY: (walks up.) It's ready. PEARL: Oh, good! (turns back to Mike) Well, I've got to go see if this invention of Brain Guy's is going to work. Enjoy Nelsmoke! JOEL: (stands back up rubbing his arm.) MIKE: Er, sorry about that. JOEL: (with a dismissive gesture) Ah, don't worry. CROW: Ready Joel? JOEL: Huh? TOM: You're going to help us riff aren't you? JOEL: (looks at all of them, they look back expectantly.) Sure, why not? (Door way squence... Um..oh..just pick one!) ****************************************************************************** Disclaimer: What do you mean that they don't belong to me? JOEL: They don't belong to you. Well, I guess that's just the way it goes, you see... For Mulder, Scully, Skinner and the rest, All belong to Chris Carter, I guess. TOM: She's rhyming the disclaimer! CROW: Isn't that against the Geneva convention? And I'd better not forget the folks at Fox Network too, JOEL: Heaven help us, how we've tried! Because I would really rather not get sued. Karen and Sara however, belong to me, CROW: Slave driver. so send me some feedback. Please? (I know it's not a very good rhyme. But I was bored of writing the same old thing.) TOM: Yeah, but everyone wants the same old thing! Rating: PG (more good clean weirdness, one wild imagination and a manditory dead scientist conspiritor.) MIKE: Of course, Can't forget the manditory dead scientist conspiritor! Spoilers: Everything is fair game. It takes place in the 6th season but before the cliffhanger. Mentions made to "Soft Light". Summary: Does anyone remember the book and/or movie. "There is a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"? MIKE: I think we're in trouble... Feedback: Would it help if I begged? ALL: No. Pleaseeeeeee? Author's Note: B natural. :) ALL: AHH! Dedication: To all the X-Philes out there who would gladly be in the shoes of Karen and Sara. CROW: Unless of course they're wearing heels. Title: There is an X-Phile (or two) in the Basement Office By: Happy TOM: (singing) Happy, happy, joy, joy! 6:00am... JOEL: Somewhere, someone was getting ready for school. There was a small beeping nosie. Then there was quiet. TOM: As the space probe voyager suddenly runs into an asteriod. **************************************************************************** "Ughhh." groaned Karen rolling over to check her alarm clock. JOEL: (as Karen) Yep, it's still there. Her green eyes widened as they read the digital display: 7:03am. CROW: Suddenly it read "Kill them all." "What the?" asked Karen in dreadful realization. "Oh, crap!" School was going to start in 27 minutes. MIKE: She's right, that *is* bad! Luckily it was only a five minute walk and she didn't have to worry about missing the bus. She grabbed her clothes and ran for the shower. TOM: Why would you have to run *for* the shower? Is it moving or what?! she thought ruefully then grinned. CROW: Ten bucks says she's a shipper. ***************************************************************************** As she quick threw a comb through her wet brown hair she glanced at the clock in the bathroom: 7:20. She hopped Sara wouldn't to wait for her like normal. MIKE: (as Sara) I never leave a woman behind!!!! She squeezed some minty toothpaste onto her toothbrush and began working it furiously around inside her mouth. TOM: Wait, wait! You're going too fast! (mumbles to himself) Minty toothpaste. Okay! Got it! CROW: Help Karen fight plaque and gingivities, buy minty toothpaste! She rinsed her mouth, then dried it on a towel before yanking the bathroom door open and running out. JOEL: That's the problem with kids these days, never taking time out for a good meal. TOM: Since when can you talk on *that* subject?! JOEL: Uh.... TOM: That's what I thought. she thought as she rushed for her room. *WHAM!* Her head spun CROW: That's disturbing... and her vision dimmed. She stumbled as she tried to keep herself upright after hitting the wall. MIKE: (as Sara) What a lousy place for a wall! Finally she sank down to the cool cement floor and sat there for a minute as she tried to stop the world from spinning. MIKE: She's gonna be sitting there for a *long* time. TOM: She must have amazing telekenisis to stop the world! she thought as the world around her came to a halt MIKE: Okay, the world stopped. I want off. CROW: Dar! She looked up. JOEL: ...at the little birds flying in circles around her head. She was in a cool hallway that had cement for it's floors, walls, and even (here she looked up even higher.) TOM: ...a spider in the corner. JOEL&MIKE: AH! WHERE?! the ceiling. Judging by the clutter that was around her she was in some sort of basement. "A frequently used basment," she said noting the lack of dust and cobwebs. CROW: Nancy Drew meets the X-Files. At the far end there was an elevator. "Must be a business building." She stood up, brushed herself off and TOM: ...broke out into song. JOEL: AHHHH! winced as a wave of pain passed through her head. MIKE: She's too young for Aspirin! Glancing around as she headed for the elevator she saw something that almost made her heart stop beating. CROW: So close, but sooo far. There was a door. A regular, everyday door. On the door there was a nameplate. A regular, everyday nameplate. The nameplate read TOM: Puddin' Tame. "Special Agent Fox Mulder" she thought silently she pinched herself. "Ouch!" She looked up at the door. TOM: (scoffs) I'm sure a teenage girl is a threat to their security. CROW: Talk about paranoid. MIKE: Geeze, no kidding! JOEL: (looks at them) Heh. You guys obviously haven't been to earth in a while. At that point the elevator pinged. MIKE: Well, it had tried "Pong" but it couldn't work the knobs. She turned to face the two people who she knew would be coming out of it. JOEL: So not only does she have super powers, she's also psychic. Sure enough the door slid open to reveal none other than David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. CROW: Ah, yes. The star of the show, and that other person. TOM: Crow! How can you saw that about Gillian?! She's just as much part of the show as David! CROW: (looking at him) David who? They were arguing, and from the sounds of it were "in character". JOEL: Or out of their minds. They didn't notice Karen until they almost ran into her. MIKE: Must be a Monday morning. They stopped and both parties looked at each other. TOM: The Democrats and the Republicans. "Hi," Karen offered weakly "Um, ... MIKE: (as David) Um, er..uh...line! ...hi." said David "Hi," said Gillian In the awakward silence that followed Karen tried to think JOEL: But failed miserably. of a way to get their autographs before she was hauled away by security. CROW: Screaming at the top of her lungs. David and Gillian exchanged a look. One that said. "Who is she?" and "How did she get in here?" Finally David asked. "Who are you?" TOM: What...is your name? CROW: What..is your quest? BOTH: What..is the speed of an unladden swallow? "My name is Karen," she said MIKE: (security officer) Alright Mr. Burns and what is your first name? JOEL: (Homer Simpson playing Mr. Burns) I... don't... know... "How did you get in here?" asked Gillian "I'm not sure," she said MIKE: In the X-Files, honesty is not always the best policy. Gillian's eyes narrowed as she gave, what Karen and Sara had dubbed, "The Look". David just eyed Karen curiously. JOEL: Well, nobody has shifty eyes, so they all must be good guys. "I was running late for school this morning. As I came out of the bathroom I ran into the wall and when my vision cleared I was here." Gillian looked at David her eyes clearly saying "She's nuts." CROW: Meanwhile, her mouth angered at having it's function taken over, decided to look suspiciously about the room. David looked back with an unreadable expression. MIKE: (as a teacher) Your expression is so sloppy! It's unreadable! Turning back to Karen he studied her before finally asking "How's the head?" TOM: How did you know about my shruken head?! Karen, who's headache had actually increased, reached up a hand to feel her forehead. CROW: ...and found out she was a Klingon. MIKE: Let's not go back there. JOEL: Where? TOM: In this case Joel, innocence is bliss. Right there above her right eye was a very large bump. She winced as her hand brushed lightly over it. "Not so good." she admited. "Com'on." he said fishing some keys from his pocket JOEL: But they were too small and he had to throw them back. and unlocking the door. Gillian opened her mouth to say something, but he interupted her. "She requires medical attention." MIKE: As do most people who appear in fanfic. TOM: I don't think he talking about *that* type of medical attention. Gillian gave a dissaproving sigh. "I'll go get some ice." she said and headed back to the elevator. JOEL: Gillian must've gone to the Minnestoa School of Medicine, all they ever do is ice. MIKE: And you know this, how? JOEL: I went to high school in Minnesota. The door swung open and David ushered Karen in. Although she had seen it many times on the show Karen couldn't help but stare over the whole office in wide-eyed amazement. JOEL: Woww....a desk! CROW: Papers! TOM: a stapler! MIKE: (gasping) Scotch tape! ALL: Oooohhhh.... "It's kinda messy," David appologized CROW: He's appologizing for a set piece? "No worse than my room," said Karen as she walked over to study a fuzzy photograph of big foot. David gave a small grin, TOM: Gillian had already taken the large frown so the grin was really all that was left. plopped down in the chair and began to dig through some folders that lay scattered on the desk. JOEL: (as Mulder) Script, script.....ah here it is! Karen took this oprutunity to make a further study of the room. She walked over to the bulliten board and began reading about the latest theories of Extra-Terrestrial contact, TOM: (as Karen) E.T. called collect? What the..?! but something kept bugging her. Somewhere in the back of her mind something kept telling her all was not as it seemed. MIKE: (Karen) I'm just tripping on a concusion, nothing to worry about! ****************************************************************************** Finally Gillian came back. CROW: Back! Back from the great beyond!!!! She walked over to Karen and gave her the ice pack. Karen gingerly set it on the lump. Then Gillian pulled a small penlight from her pocket and looked in her eyes. TOM: Look out! It's a flashy thing! Karen had been to enough doctors to realize that Gillian knew what she was doing and that she would find it less painful if she didn't look directly into the light. TOM: What ever you do! Don't look towards the light!!! She picked the "I Want to Believe" poster and stared at it. Finally Gillian switched off the light and walked over to David. "As far as I can tell..." she began but Karen wasn't listening. JOEL: Boy that Nintendo really cuts down on your attention span. MIKE: Huh? You say something Joel? She had come to a conclusion so bizzare, so...spooky, ALL: (Groan) that she had a tough time accepting it. She took a quick glance at David and Gillian. she thought firmly ALL: What?! CROW: Woah, she lost me! JOEL: So, they were David and Gillian, but now they're Mulder and Scully?! TOM: What'd they do? Spontanously switch bodies? MIKE: I'd look for the birthmark, or tatoo. ALL: Hmm.... It was true. CROW: Was not! There was no other way she could explain it. Her first clue was that "David", had taken her into the office and begun flipping through folders. While "Mulder" might have done that. David most certainly would not. TOM: How would she know? CROW: Entertainment Tonight. He would've called security, and gone to his chair or trailer or...or...something! She didn't know what exactly, but she sure knew he wouldn't stay in character like this. Her second indication was Gillian. Forget "The Look", she knew what Gillian was, an actor. Not a doctor.... JOEL: (Carter) Com'on Gillian, it's only 5 sylibles. MIKE: (as Gillian) Dang it Chris! I'm an actor, not a doctor! "I'll need to run an MRI to be sure, but I think..." She tunned back out. No, Gillian would not talk like that. Her inforcer for all this was the unspoken conversation CROW: Well of course that would've...huh?! in the hallway. She was pretty sure that Gillian and David did not do that on a regular basis, unless they had a joke going. But Mulder and Scully did it all the time, and like a good X-Phile MIKE: That statement is just nauseating! CROW: (in a baby voice) Oh, such a *good* little X-Phile! MIKE: (gags) she had picked up on it. But the Coup-de grace' was that, no matter where she looked. She couldn't find any camera's. TOM: Not too observant is she? MIKE: What? What did the cameras own??? TELL ME! CROW: Uh..Mike? MIKE: Look at the comma! JUST LOOK AT THE COMMA AND TELL ME; WHAT DID THE CAMERAS OWN???? JOEL: (looking at the bots while leaning away from Mike.) Does he do this often? She really should've seen it earlier, but...who in their right mind would automatically assume they were in the X-Files world if this happened? CROW: That depends..how many X-Philes are actually *in* their right minds? JOEL: Well, we know Karen isn't. "Karen!" Mulder's voice cut through her thoughts. TOM: Foreshadowing? Or an obvious plot device? She looked up. Apparently this was not the first time he had called her "Scully wants to take you over to the hospital and run some tests." MIKE: (Mulder) Just some minor *tests*...hee, hee, hee...MWUAHAHA!!! Er..did I say that out loud? his tone indicated he wanted her permission first. Karen nodded as he confirmed her suspicions. TOM: Elvis was still alive! "I want to make sure you're okay, and didn't give yourself a concusion." said Scully sounded like she was speaking to a seven year old. TOM: Okay, now we know she's older than 7. MIKE: I thought we established that fact already. thought Karen. She blinked in an effort to keep away a bout of dizzyness TOM: Since when does *blinking* keep away dizzyness? CROW: Humans sure are a strange species... that was now beginning to follow the waves of pain. JOEL: Surfs up everybody! Scully walked out the door with Karen right behind her. TOM: They must be starting a conga line. ****************************************************************************** When they arived at the hospital Scully took Karen right to the back and gave her MIKE: ...a knuckle sandwhich. an MRI. As she studied it JOEL: ...there was going to be a test on it later. Karen was sent into many different rooms and given so many different tests that she lost track of what they were and what they were testing, aside from the obvious. Her last stop was with a guy who kept showing her pictures TOM: I'll talk! I'll talk! Just no more poke'mon! of inksplotted cards and asking her what they looked like. Her head was still pounding and Karen was begining to get irritated. MIKE: She's had that head-ache now for how long? And she's only *begining* to get irritated?! JOEL: (whistles) Told ya she had super powers! "And this?" the man asked "It's an inkblot." she said crossly TOM: Suddenly it's "Flowers for Algernon". "Yes," he admited "But don't you see the shape it makes?" Karen looked at the inkblot. "No." JOEL: Geeze! Doesn't even know basic shapes?! How did she get out of Kindergarten??? "Doesn't it look like anything? A horse, a car?..." he trailed off hoping she'd pick up on it. MIKE: Apparently, Karen doesn't do improv. Karen grinned to herself and fengined confussion. "No, I can't really see anything. What does it look like to you?" "Well," said the man turning to look at the card "It reminds me of the bugs that keep hitting my windshield whenever I go on vacation. ALL: Ewww... But...." he added hastily "We are here to find out what you think." "What *I* think?" said Karen raising an eyebrow "I think CROW: ...therefor I am. this is a silly test." Before the man could respond Scully walked in holding a cup of water and a tiny cup with two white pills in it. After politely excusing the man TOM: (as Scully) Scram! she handed the water and pills to Karen. "A little something for the headache," said Scully "You're head will be fine and all the other tests came up negetive." Karen swallowed the pills and took another gulp of water. JOEL: Geeze! She's awfully trusting! MIKE: Especially for an X-phile. "And the inkblot test?" she asked "Well," said Scully and Karen could hear the amusment in her voice. CROW: Amusement? Scully?! TOM: Look out Karen! She's a replicant! "You are not the first one I've seen to refuse it, but you *are* the first person I've seen who's turned it around." JOEL: So you put the posion in my glass knowing that I knew that you would never posion yourself, but I knew that and you knew that I knew so the posion couldn't possibly be in my glass! Karen grinned inspite of herself and looked at the clock. 3:30. Her face must've registered MIKE: ...no sale. her surprise because Scully motioned to her. "You can call your parents back at the office." she said TOM: We won't call them from here, because that would be too easy! "It will be long distance." said Karen as her stomach rumbled reminding her that she had yet to eat at all that day. "Where do you live?" asked Scully ALL: DON'T TELL HER! "Connecticut" Whatever Scully thought about that statement she kept it to herself and they drove back to FBI headquarters. JOEL: Nah, she was just too busy cursing the other drivers. ***************************************************************************** When they entered the office Karen went right to the phone and dialed. She wasn't too sure it would work, MIKE: Well sure. I mean, if she didn't it would be one heck of a plot hole! Scully watched as Karen's face took on a look of what she thought to be confusion. She hung up and dialed again. She tried it a few more times before hanging CROW: ...the phone with it's own cord. MIKE: That sounds dark...but I guess it's only an appliance. TOM: (insulted) Mike! up. "I'm sorry," said Karen imitating the operator "Your call can not be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again." "Did you dial the right number?" asked Mulder JOEL: (as Karen) So *that's* what I was doing wrong! Dar. "Yeah," said Karen "It's 203-856..." "Wait a second," said Scully "856 is the information number they don't use it for regular numbers." thought Karen. MIKE: What?! 555 is the prefix for the information numbers? JOEL: Yeah. Where have you been? MIKE: (looking at him) Up here... "What's your full name and address?" asked Scully "Karen T. Mathews," she began and proceeded to give them everything. Even her Social Security. CROW: Right, how many kids actually *know* their Social Security? Mulder turned to his computer. Booted it MIKE: ...across the room. JOEL: (Mulder muttering) Stupid Windows! up and began a search. After about 5 minutes he turned back and looked at Karen. "According to the U.S. government. There is no Karen T. Mathews." she thought, TOM: Mom and dad never got me a green card. but dispite that she could stop the feeling of loneliness that suddenly enveloped her. "What about Tom Mathews or Darlinee?" she asked CROW: Darlinee? Mulder ran them through and shook his head. At that moment the phone chose to ring. JOEL: Chose? MIKE: Do we have another amendment now? "Freedom of the Phones"? CROW: Give me ring-age or give me dial-tone! TOM: (skeptically) Ring-age? Scully picked it up. She listened for a moment before saying JOEL: (as Scully) No, I don't want another long distance carrier! "Yes, sir." and hanging up. "Skinner wants to speak with us," she said looking at Mulder. "Immediatly." CROW: Um, if this is the 6th season, shouldn't it be Kersh? MIKE: (shrugs) Mulder nodded, stood up, and grabbed his coat. Turning to Karen he said "Just stay here until we get back. JOEL: (as Mulder) And if you see an old man with a cigarette come in here, just ignore him. He does that all the time. Go ahead and try your parents again if you want. TOM: (as Mulder) Even though you don't exsist to the government, and there is absolutely no trace of you anywhere go ahead and try again. Oh..." he reached up on the shelf and grabbed a big and dusty hardbacked book "and feel free to read this if you get bored." Karen looked at the book "The Encyclopedia of the Paranormal and the Unexplained?" she asked. Scully rolled her eyes. CROW: Well, at least we know she'll get better than "snake eyes". OTHERS: (groan). He shrugged. "Unless you want to read "The Medical Journal". And one more thing!" he said as they walked out the door. "Whatever you do. Don't watch the video tapes!!!" Karen waited until they were gone before she permited herself a smile. CROW: Woah! They sure this is PG? (Author's Note: Karen did not watch the tapes, the above sentence was only meant to show she knew what they were and couldn't tell Mulder she knew. When you think about it, it's actually rather funny. MIKE: I only found it mildly ammusing. HAPPY: Quiet. But I forgot most people's brains are in the gutter and I appologize for the misconception.) ****************************************************************************** "Have a seat Agents," said Skinner as Mulder and Scully entered. "Tell me what you think of this Agent Mulder." he said and tossed a file folder across the desk to him. CROW: (as Mulder) Well sir, it appears to be a folder. Mulder picked it up and examined it. A missing person's case. Actually, *many* missing person's cases. (Author moves her tounge around in her mouth as she tries to say that last line and winces at the rather poor grammer.) MIKE: Uh...that was random. He looked up at Skinner. "Looks like we have some missing people." he said Skinner gave him a sour look. TOM: Diahrehha is like a storm raging inside of you... "Yes, I realized that Agent Mulder. Notice anything else?" CROW: (Mulder) Um, your head is shinier than usual? Mulder looked it over again. Four missing people. All in plain sight when they dissapeared. He frowned. In plain sight? "In plain sight?" he asked "According to eyewitnesses they just "vanished." said Skinner. MIKE: (Patrick Stewart) Picard to Enterprise, four to beam up! Mulder handed the report over to Scully. She gave it a coursry glance. JOEL: The thrill was gone. "It says here that all the people seemed to have suffered an injury of sorts before they dissapeared." she skimmed over the second page "All head injuries." A lightbulb went off in Mulder's head. MIKE: Interesting mental image there. He leaned over to get another look at the report. CROW: (laughs) The report...riiight.... Scully handed it back to him. TOM: (as Scully) Mulder, get out of my personal space! Skinner watched as Mulder went over it again, this time more throughly. He could all but see the wheels moving behind Mulder's eyes. MIKE: The wheel may have been moving, but the hampster was most defintely dead! "There doesn't seem to be any connections to any of them," he said at last "Male, age 45. Female, age 30. Female, age 80. Male, age 2. All from different states. All different ethnic groups." he shrugged. "Agent Mulder are you familiar with the Beareu's JOEL: Bearue's? TOM: Winnie-ther-Pooh and Piglet join forces to uncover secret government conspiricies and discover exactly what a heffa-lump is! MIKE: You know, I think I saw a story about that on Gossamer... CROW: You *are* kidding right? MIKE: No actually... policy regarding "Extra Assignments"?" Skinner asked suddenly "I was not aware the Beareu had such a policy, sir." said Mulder. CROW: (as Mulder) Infact, I wasn't aware it even exsisted. TOM: (as Skinner) So, sue me! I misspelled it! CROW: (as Mulder) Twice?! MIKE: (as Scully) It's Eddie Van Blundht! Skinner nodded. JOEL: Woah! This story just took a whole 'nother twist! "I am familiar with it, sir." said Scully Skinner looked at her with a slight gleam in his eye CROW: Now there's an image I could live without. and nodded towards the door. "Thank you agents that will be all." he said and began writing in the file on his desk. As they got up to leave Mulder went to say something about Kersh, but thought better of it. TOM: As the author suddenly remembers what season she's in. When it came to the X-Files, he would rather get one from Skinner than one from Kersh. In fact, he thought, the less he saw of A.D. Kersh the better his days always went. ****************************************************************************** Scully waited until they were in the elevator before she started. CROW: Oh, the places I could go with that! MIKE: But you won't, will you? CROW: (sighs) "As of today we are offically on a week long vacation." she said "We have one week to complete this assignment. We should probably head for the most recent one," she looked in the folder "In JOEL: ...Hawaii. Boston. Of course should the Beareu find out about this, Skinner will deny everything and we will be on our own." "Nothing new there," said Mulder "Why did he give it to us in the first place." MIKE: Mulder's so deadpan right now he can't even make that into a question. "Extra Assignments always come from higher up," said Scully "Skinner is doing a favor for someone." "Yeah," said Mulder "But most people use favors to keep assignments *away* from me." JOEL: (shrugs) Maybe he's dyslexic. "In this case he also doing you a favor." said Scully "Results are the only thing that count in Extra Assignments. When this comes back up all it will say is that you solved it. That's all. No details." "Which also means we have no paperwork," said Mulder TOM: (as Mulder) YAY! CROW: Correction. That should be (deadpan) "yay..." MIKE: (snickers) And there was much rejoicing. "Correct." said Scully "Half of the time these assignments are so difficult that people have stopped caring how it got solved so long as it was solved." "I think it's a little too late for people not to notice how I solve things," he said MIKE: (as Mulder) Heads it's aliens, tails it's government conspiritors. "but if this assignment is half as hard as it looks JOEL: I'm going to be living in the Study Center for the next week. MIKE: Huh? JOEL: College humor, sorry. it will go a long way to rebuilding my rep. with some of the higher ups." "We have to solve it first," said Scully MIKE: She should say "resolve" seeing as they never really "solve" cases. "What about you?" asked Mulder suddenly "How is this going to help you any?" "Well," said Scully taking a deep breath TOM: ...and diving in. "My rep isn't that great right now either. Working on the X-Files hasn't exactly endeared me to any of those so-called higher ups." CROW: With their so-called lives. Mulder nodded, wincing internally. "But," said Scully as the elevator slowed "After what I've seen, that endearment isn't exactly worth striving for." CROW: (as Scully) I mean, I have a set budget when it comes to bribe money! Mulder gave a small nod and they walked out of the elevator to the office. ****************************************************************************** Opening the door to the office Mulder noticed that Karen was sitting at his desk reading the book he had handed her. TOM: The strange part was, she was reading it upside down! She looked up at them as they entered and was about to say something when there was suddenly someone infront of her. The person was laying on the desk and as soon as she appeared CROW: Mulder promptly dissapeared! TOM: (looking at him) And that was funny, how? CROW: I dunno, I just felt we needed another riff in there. promptly rolled off onto the floor bringing pencils, pens, folders and a nameplate with her. "Oof!" she said as she hit. All of the desk objects sprinkling around her onto the floor. ALL: (to "It's Raining Men") It's raining pens! "Sara?!" asked Karen standing up and looking over the desk in wide eyed amazement. "Karen?..." said Sara groggily looking up at her friend. MIKE: ...before promptly passing out. JOEL: (Karen: decisively) I'm calling a taxi. "Mulder?" MIKE: Scully? TOM: Chief? CROW: McCloud? asked Scully from behind him "What's going on?" Mulder, who was still standing in the doorway effectively blocking Scully's view, JOEL: Figures. looked at the new arrival in shock. Finally he made his way into the office with Scully right behind him. Karen meanwhile, had run around the desk and was helping Sara off of the floor. "Karen! Where have you been?!" asked Sara not fully realizing where she was. TOM: (Rod Sterling) She was in a different dimension. A demension not only of people, but of characters. She had entered...The Fanfic Zone. "Your parents have been worried sick!" "I know," said Karen wincing "I haven't exactly been able to reach them..." she motioned to Mulder and Scully "Sara, I would like to introduce you to Special Agents Mulder and Scully. Mulder, Scully, I would like to introduce you to my best friend Sara." Sara's blue eyes went wide and her jaw dropped slightly. TOM: I see she found the "insert-comical-face-here" slot of this fanfic. "Uh, hi." she said. Then she turned to look at Karen in disbelief. Karen shook her head indicating that she should ask about it later. CROW: (Sara) Where *did* you get those shrooms?! "Karen," said Mulder glancing at the clock "It's 5:30. I would suggest that you two go home with Scully tonight and tomarrow we can drive you two home on the way to our assignment." he looked at Scully and she picked it up MIKE: His dependant clause. "Come on," she said motioning towards the door. ***************************************************************************** Scully's Apartment 8:35pm Karen and Sara stood out on the balcony while Scully took a shower. "I can't believe this." said Sara shaking her head CROW: (whining) I don't wanna believe!!!! "Neither can I." said Karen "But here we are." MIKE: Ye-ep. TOM: Uh huh. JOEL: Sure looks like it. "How do we get back?" asked Sara "I have no idea." said Karen "It all reminds me of a Star Trek episode." TOM: [starts humming the theme.] "Except that we can't just jump into a transporter." said #Sara TOM: [theme winds down to a dissapointed end.] "What are we going to do tomarrow?" MIKE: It's only a day away! "You mean when they discover that we don't live where we say we do?" asked Karen JOEL: (Karen) Not that the search of the U.S. government database tipped them off or anything. "I don't know. They would never believe us..." "I don't think even Mulder would believe this one." agreed Sara. CROW: Woah. Actual consideration of the plausibility of an obvious plot device! Never saw that coming! "Let's not forget that we can't say anything about what we know..." said Karen "That's going to be tough," said Sara "Like if Krycek comes along we can't yell "Ratboy"....Yeah, it wouldn't be good for us to create a paradox." "Ratboy?" asked Scully from behind them. They turned around. "What, or who are you talking about?" TOM: The latest edition of The Inquirer? Karen was relieved to learn Scully hadn't heard the first part, or had she? TOM: Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion! Maybe she was seeing how honest they were. "Krychek," said Sara and Karen nearly melted in relief. "Krychek?" said Scully her eyes narrowing MIKE: (Scully) Who the heck is Krychek?!?! "How do you know about him?" JOEL: If she could see the way they spelled his name she wouldn't be so sure. "We just keep our ears open," said Karen shrugging "The grapevine is pretty extensive." ALL: (singing) I heard it through the grape-vine... Scully nodded but her expression didn't change any. Finally she motioned them inside. MIKE: I think it's time for us to motion inside. TOM: I want Joel to carry me! Joel picks up Tom and the exit the theater. (Door sequence) **************************************************************************** Scully's Living Room 11:16pm "Karen?" Sara's whisper from the other couch confirmed Karen's suspicions that her friend also couldn't sleep. She looked at the clock on the VCR. Impressive, Scully had actually set it. MIKE: Now *that's* an X-File! "Yeah?" came Karen's whisper "Do you think we'll ever get home?" asked Sara in a pondering voice. TOM: (Karen) Not really. "Of course," said Karen a bit louder than she wanted to. Both girls were quiet for a moment and Karen watched the CROW: ...colors as they swirled about. shadows on the ceiling move as a car passed down below on the street. It's tires sounding on the wet pavement as it wooshed slowly by. "Why?" MIKE: (Sara) No reason. "Well, it's just that most guest characters on the X-Files rarely live through the whole episode," said Sara and Karen could hear the frown in her voice. CROW: Well if she'd been smiling, we would've been concerned. "Yeah, but Carter doesn't usually kill off kids." said Karen "That's true," said Sara TOM: Not really. "Besides, they already had a tradgedy with you-know-who being wisked away." "Deja'vu." CROW: No kidding. ALL: What?! CROW: Nothing! Just had little deja'vu experience that's all. TOM: What did you see? CROW: You wrote: "Not really." Then you wrote it again. MIKE: Must be a glich in the MiSTing. JOEL: The "Matrix" sketch ladies and gentlemen! "Pfft, really." "So that's why Mulder was so nice to me," said Karen "Sure, it's in his character," whispered back Sara TOM: (opens his mouth, rethinks, then shuts it) A long silence followed as both the girls drifted towards dreamland. JOEL: Not again! That body switching took long enough *last* time! "Sara?" "Mff..yeah?" "11:21" A chuckle sounded from her friend and Karen fell asleep. MIKE: At the chuckle it will be 11:21. ****************************************************************************** The Next Day Basement Office 7:30am Karen and Sara stood in the office showered but still in their same clothes MIKE: Dripping water all over the place. as Mulder and Scully grabbed the nessisary papers and made arrangements for the upcoming case. CROW: The rental car, the motel rooms, the list of people they were going to piss off... "Um, Mulder? Scully?" asked Sara finally They both looked up. TOM: (as Sara) Nothin'. I just like saying "Mulder, Scully". "I don't think you're going to be able to 'drop-us-off-at-home'." she said "Why not?" asked Scully "Well," said Karen "I gave you my address and everything yesterday and you weren't able to find my home. I don't think they are going to be there." she shrugged at loss of how to explain it further without JOEL: Becoming condensending. giving the whole thing away. CROW: Yeah. If they screw up the suprise party again, Maggie is going to have their heads! "Well, it's on our way," said Mulder "If they aren't there I guess you could come with us..." he trailed off as he noticed the expression on Scully's face. TOM: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside of you. Sara and Karen noticed it. MIKE: They immediately become starry eyed and started quoting strange snippits of dialouge from the show. "Um, Where are your bathrooms?" asked Karen "Turn right down the hall, third door on your left." said Scully "Buddy system." called Mulder but Sara was already following Karen out the door. CROW: I don't think that was for Mulder and Scully's privacy so much as it was instinct... "Mulder what were you thinking?!" asked Scully as soon as she was sure the girls were out of hearing range "Take them on a case?! The Beareu would never allow it!" MIKE: Yes, he would probably growl at them. "They don't have to know," protested Mulder JOEL: It would be kinda hard to keep it hidden from them. CROW: Here! Put on these blindfolds for the next few days! "What are we going to do? Leave them on their own?!" "Considering the way some of our cases go that might be a good idea!" said Scully incredulous MIKE: Yeah, you really don't want to lose your fan-base. TOM: Literally. "You would leave them alone?!?!" responded an equally incredulous Mulder JOEL: Why not? If Cancerman comes poking his nose around they can use their karate skills and save the day! TOM: What karate skills? JOEL: I thought every teenager on tv had karate skills! "I wouldn't leave them alone, but I certainly wouldn't take them with us!" said Scully "Well, what about your mother?" asked Mulder reaching for a third option. "She's out of town." CROW: She ran to the store to get some more. "Your brother?" "Him too," CROW: Geeze, they could've saved time and just asked Maggie to pick up some for him too! Neither of them brought up Mulder's family. TOM: Yeah, bringing people back from the dead never turns out the way you want it to. "They go to school right?" asked Mulder "It would've shown up yesterday if she was enrolled." "Local PD?" asked Scully "We are not leaving them with strangers." said Mulder with a finality Scully rarely heard. She sighed. JOEL: Oh man! I don't even want to think about Mulder with kids! MIKE: Why would he have any? JOEL: (looks at Mike) Buddy, all I can say is: you've got some catching up to do. "Okay," she said resigning "But what if we end up with something like that guy's killer shadow?" "Then they stay at in the car, or at the motel depending on how long we'll be gone." Scully nodded. A few minutes passed in silence before the girls returned from the bathroom. ***************************************************************************** In the air somewhere between Washington DC and Massachustets 10:30am The 747 flew gracefully through the partly cloudy skies as it headed for Boston, MA. In the plane Scully went over the case reports while Mulder took a moment to catch up on his sleep, or at least *appeared* to. Karen listened to one of the 12 radio stations and Sara gazed out the window. A brief bout of turbulence sent two of the reports to the floor. Sara quickly glanced over and bent down to retrieve them while Scully tried to keep the other two from falling. As she did her eyes quickly scanned the pages. She saw, "missing", "head injury", and "vanished". From across the aisle Karen looked over at her friend with a mild curiosity. Scully took the papers and as she was suffling them back into place Sara took the opprotunity to shoot CROW: A rubber band at Mulder's forehead. a warning glance to Karen. Karen gave her a confused look. At that point the pilot came on and TOM: Remembered he was flying an airplane. announced their decent into the Boston airport. ***************************************************************************** A Motel 6 in Boston (they have them there right?) TOM: You know Mike, I'm not so sure about these random comments by the author... MIKE: Yeah, they are pretty strange. JOEL: I guess this would be considered the "director's commentary" form of fanfic. 1:00pm They checked in and left their bags in the rooms. Or rather Mulder and Scully left their bags in the rooms, Sara and Karen just checked in. The first order of business was to find the eyewitnesses and hear what they had to say. They drove up, in their rented Ford Taurus, to a nice quiet suburban home outside the city. "It's always the normal ones," muttered Karen. Sara gave a grin that held little humor but plenty of irony. Mulder and Scully walked up to the door and rang the bell. A rather frazzled woman answered. She quickly ushered them inside and, with a quick glance around the neighborhood, she shut the door. Karen and Sara had nothing to do but wait. Within two minutes the woman came back out and waved to them to come in. Glad to be part of the investigation Karen and Sara wasted no time and went inside. The house was pretty standard as houses go. As Karen gazed around it she could see that it was very lived in and homely. she thought as she looked at all the toddler toys laying about. It was a clean house and at any other time might've had the smell of baking cookies coming from the kitchen. They were ushered to the dinner table, given cookies and juice and left alone. Sara looked at Karen and to their cups of juice. They were little "spill-proof" ones. The cookies were laid out on napkins in front of them. "They're investigating "Missing People"," said Sara finally "What makes it an X-File?" asked Karen "I don't know," said Sara "All I saw was, "Missing", "Head injuries", and "vanished" on the report." "Head injuries?" "Yeah," "Vanished? As in, right in front of people?" "That's what it sounds like." "Does your head hurt?" asked Karen "Not anymore," said Sara "I had a pretty good bump on it yesterday when I fell off my bed..or it was my bed, but somehow I was in the office." "Hmmm..." They each picked up a cookie and ate it. Karen popped the lid off of her cup and took a drink of juice. "Grape," she said Meanwhile in the living room.... "He was playing right there!" said the woman pointing to the toys on the other side of the coffee table. "Then he stood up, but slipped and started to fall. I tried to catch him so he wouldn't hit his head on the table, but he grazed it enough to make him cry. Then he just, vanished! Right from my arms!" she looked around desperatly as if her 2yr old son might suddenly reappear. Mulder and Scully listened with sympathy, but gained little new infromation. Mulder made a few mental notes before saying. "Thank you for your time Mrs. Suwann. Well, let you know immediatly if something turns up." She nodded. At this point Karen and Sara poked their heads in the room having heard the conversation winding to a close. Mulder and Scully stood up and headed towards the door. Karen and Sara followed quickly behind them. Before they left they turned to the woman and thanked her for the cookies and juice. "I gave you spill-proof cups didn't I?" she asked Karen nodded The woman put her hand to her face and drew it slowly over. "I'm so sorry. I'm just.." "It's okay," said Sara quickly and sympathetically "Don't worry about it." They walked out. ****************************************************************************** There was a long silence in the car as they drove back to the city. All four of them mulled over possibilities of how someone might just "vansish". Suddenly Mulder's eyes light up and he glanced in the rear-view mirrior back to Sara and asked "Is your head okay?" "It is now, it hurt a bit yesterday after I hit the floor." He nodded and drove a little faster. "You said Karen's parents were worried sick. Did they file a police report?" he asked "I think so," said Sara "but there was no evidence. She just..." "Vanished," muttered Mulder speeding up some more. "Mulder!" said Scully as the spedometer topped 80. He glanced down and slowed up. They exited into the city, pulled up to a burger joint and got something to eat. CROW: They need their "fix". ****************************************************************************** Motel 6 9:23pm Scully sat at the table in Mulder's room as he explained his latest off-the-wall theory. JOEL: As opposed to his latest grounded-in-science theory? "Mulder that's crazy!" she said "How can a simple head injury cause someone to just dissapear?" "You can't deny the connection!" he said "Coincidence." "You know how I feel about coincidences." "What if the head injury somehow managed to activate a lost portion of the brain and teleports the person away? You know they say we only use 10 percent of your brain." he paced back and forth MIKE: That's because Scully's brain is probably the only one worth using. "Mulder, even if that *were* possible. The head injuries are all different." "Maybe there *is* no connection," he said his brow furrowing. Scully sighed "Yeah, that's about it." "That's the connection!!!" he declared "What?!" "The connection is that there *is* no connection!" "Mulder what was *in* that burger anyway?" "No, the whole thing is completely random," ALL: Well, of course that would...WHAT?!?! Scully nodded slowly with a "that's nice." expression on her face and waited for him to continue. A shrill annoying Motel phone ring stopped him. He walked over and picked it up. Scully watched his face go pale and he suddenly dropped the reciever MIKE: (announcing) Bayer asprin can help reduce your risk of a heart attack. dashing out the door at full speed. Scully got up too quick and nearly rolled her ankle on her heels. TOM: (Scully) Whoops! *thud!* Making a quick little jump step she ignored the pain and grabbed her gun off of the bed. Over the phone she heard a yell and the sound of splintering wood. She ran out the door at full tilt and saw Mulder down the hall just making his way into the girls room after kicking the door in. There was a gunshot as Scully rounded the doorway and dashed in. CROW: Stupidly placing herself between Mulder and the person he was trying to shoot! Mulder stood over a man his gun drawn and held before him in firing position. She yanked her gun out of her holster and pointed it at the floor ready just in case. TOM: In case what? It moved? Bits of glass littered it. Scully turned to find the girls. Karen was over by the phone, which was off the hook, holding the digital clock like she was going to smash it over the guy's head. Sara appeared behind Scully from the direction of the bathroom with the top to the toilet tank. Both drinking glasses had already been smashed. JOEL: They're..um...violent. MIKE: Uh..yeah. "Who are you?!!!" yelled Mulder his eyes flashing. Scully was startled. She couldn't remember ever seeing him this angry. The man only groaned and rolled over onto his stomach. Mulder noticed Scully out of the corner of his eye and quickly reached down for a swift frisk. He yanked a gun out of it's holder and tossed it aside. He rolled the man back over and jerked him into a sitting position. It was then that Scully saw the blood stain that was up by his left shoulder. Meanwhile Karen and Sara hadn't moved from their positions, nor had the let go of their weapons. Scully then walked over to the phone and dialed 9-1-1. She looked back to see Mulder staring at the man's wallet. "Bingo," he breathed "What?" asked Scully then turned to give the emergancy operator their information. "He lives right here in town, and" here Mulder dug out a card "he has his work number." finally he seemed to remember who was there. "Are you guys okay?" "Yeah," said Karen taking a deep breath to slow her heart "We're fine," said Sara also high CROW: I knew it!!! on adrenaline CROW: Oh. "How did he get in here?" "We heard him fiddling with the door. Karen checked it and yelled for me to call you." said Sara "Then she grabbed the drinking glasses and when he opened the door she smashed them as hard as she could over his head." "He just opened the door?" asked Mulder "He must've had a card that was cleared," said Karen "It took him 5 seconds, tops, to get in. Then he shut the door and was advancing slowly reaching for, what I now know, was his gun." "Did he say anything?" "Just that we would be coming with him," said Karen "He went to say more but that was when you came in." Scully hung up. "The ambulance should be here in about 5 minutes." TOM: (as Scully) ER's almost over and it's a very touching and thought provoking episode this week. she said. Mulder walked over to the phone, sat his gun down on the table and dialed the work number. He listened for a moment before pressing "7" on the number pad. Then listened a minute more before hanging up. "I take back everything I ever said about computerized answering services," he said "Let's go!" and strode towards the door. He stopped and turned towards them "I don't know why this guy was after you two, but in light of your situation and this case I'm going to go find out!" He walked out. "Um, don't we have to wait for the ambulance?" asked Sara "Yes we do," said Scully clearly torn. Finally she ran after her partner. After years of being ditched he was finally letting her know where he was going. Was she about to *choose* to stay behind? Nope! The girls stood a moment longer before running out the door after her. Mulder got into the car and waited a moment before he saw Scully and the girls come out. They climbed in and he peeled out of the parking lot. "This man worked for on the otherside of town. He was a security gaurd." The car raced quickly over the darkened landscape as Mulder followed the instructions to "Fielder's Research Laboratory" that were safely tucked inside his photographic memory. ****************************************************************************** Motel 6 Nobody saw the black van that pulled up. And nobody noticed the men in dark suits as the walked inside to gather up their fallen comerade. CROW: Eh Komrade? They picked him up and shoved him into the van before driving out, back to "Fielder's Research Laboratory". ****************************************************************************** Fielder's Research Laboratory 11:48pm They pulled up to the Laboratory which was looking all twisted and scary in the moonlight. TOM: Insert bolt of lightening and clap of thunder here. They walked up to the door. CROW: Start the ominous music! Without bothering to knock Mulder tried the knob. Surprisingly it was not locked. MIKE: Build to a fever pi-...well that was anti-climatic! They walked in. Mulder first Scully second and the girls right behind them. They entered a room with a desk at the far corner. A secretary sat at the desk typing on her computer. To her side was an elevator. The light was harsh and the whole place felt sterile. JOEL: Well, at least we won't have to worry about any evil labratories reproducing in this story. No plants, no furniture. Just a hard metal desk where the secretary sat on a hard metal chair. The floor was some type of tile and even the walls were a stainless steel. Mulder walked up to the secretary. "I'm here to see the doctor," he said hoping this woman was not as bright as the light bulbs in the over head lights. "Dr. Fielder?" she asked not looking up "Yeah, he's on the fifth floor." she went back to her typing as if they weren't there. CROW: Ah...I see she found alt.celebrities.gossip. "Thank you," said Mulder and led everyone to the elevator. They took it to the fifth floor and walked until they found a door with Dr. Fielder written on it. Mulder knocked. "It's open!" called a voice Mulder and Scully exchanged a look. MIKE: One that said "Is this real?" JOEL: and "No more sausage and anchovie pizza's before bedtime." Shrugging Mulder opened the door. The room was huge! TOM: (Glen Manning) I'm huge! It reminded them both of Polarity Magnetics lab where Dr. Banton recieved his "killer shadow". Large computers filled the walls except for in a corner there seemed to be a platform surrounded by a transparent cylinder of what appeared to be a type of plastic, but probably wasn't. There were four stratigically placed... large....ray..guns CROW: As the author's creativity for new and interesting gaggets suddenly grids to a screeching halt. all pointing to the inside of the cylinder. That was the closest Karen and Sara could come to explaining it and Mulder and Scully weren't doing much better. At a large computer councel in the center of the room TOM: The Keyboard and the Mouse were conspiring to have the Monitor removed through a no-confidence vote initiated by the Subwoofer. a short scientist sat and fiddled with the different switches. MIKE: (looney) Heh, heh. *click*, heh. heh. Fun switches! Hearing Scully's heels he turned around, spinning on the small stool in which he was sitting. From the expression on his face it was clear he was expecting someone quite different. "Who are you?" he asked slightly suspicous "I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder from the F.B.I" said Mulder showing his badge "and this is my partner Agent Scully." "Why are you here?" asked the scientist with a rather tired air. "One of your security gaurds was caught trying to kidnap two kids," said Mulder a slight edge to his voice. thought Karen indignantly <....But I guess to him we would be...> The scientist sighed as if expecting the answer. "That idiot" he muttered then looked to the girls "I take it you two are Karen and Sara." thought Karen "How do you know that?" asked Sara too surprised to be suspicious. "There has been a terrible mistake," said the scientist glancing at a clock on a computer. "We don't have much time." "What do you mean?" asked Scully "and how do you know these girls." "I don't suppose any of you have ever watched Star Trek?" he asked hopefully. They all nodded. "Well my friends," he said beaming in a way only a scientist can beam "You are looking at the very first Transdementional Transporter." Even Mulder looked skeptical. "Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction," said the scientist seriously. "Why?" asked Mulder "Do you really think they would rely only on an untested and weak vaccine?" he said with a meaningful glance at Mulder Suddenly everything clicked into place. "They want to get rid of them." he said slowly ignoring the look Scully was giving him. The look that said, "We've actually been able to do this for over a decade, but it was only until recently that we were able to do it without having to have the transporties start or end up in this room." said Fielder as he began to prep the machine. "We've never beamed anyone in from the other place here, but..." "Now you have," finished Mulder "Yes!" said the scientist "And we weren't able to get a positive lock on the girls so I decided to bring them here. Alas my colegues seemed to missunderstand me when I asked them to bring the girls in." "Why do you beam people away but never back?" he asked "What are you talking about?" asked Fielder insulted "I always bring the test subjects back to the place they dissapeared!" "Well, there is at least four people who have just "vanished" and haven't been heard of since," said Scully "Oh, don't worry about that." said Fielder "They're back now. You have my word." Mulder nodded unconvinced. "Wait a second!" said Sara "You plan to beam the aliens to where we live?! You can't do that!!!" Mulder and Scully turned to look at her in shock. "Yeah!" said Karen "You'd be forcing another earth to go through the same fate!" "What are you talking about?" said the scientist "Ever see Sliders?" asked Sara The scientist nodded. "Same thing," said Karen "Hey," said the scientist with a shrug "That's not my problem. It's yours." "That will be enough Mr. Fielder," said a voice from the shadows. "Sir!" said Fielder in a startled voice "I won't have you spilling our precious plans to any Joe Shmo that walks in," said Cancerman stepping out into the light the ever present cigarette in his hand. "But sir," said Fielder with the utmost respect "Why can't we just tell them. Then they will stop trying to hunt it out and will leave you alone." "Because they won't play by the rules," said Cancerman "Niether have you for that matter." He pulled out a gun and shot the scientist before he had a chance to utter a word. Mulder's hand snapped to his gun holster and he cursed. He had forgotten to pick it up after putting it down to dial the phone. Scully, though, had her's and she pointed it at Cancerman and yelled "Federal Agent! Put the gun down!!!" "Now, now Agent Scully." said Cancerman as he slipped the gun away in his coat. "Why don't you just put the gun down so no one will get hurt." At that point an entire swat team came into the room with M-16's drawn. They filled up all usable space in the room. Scully saw immediatly that she was severly out- gunned. One of the men came over and ripped the gun from her hand and put it into a small plastic bag with Mulder's gun. "Ah, it was about time I got a new gun anyway," mumbled Mulder to no one in paticular. The tiny group was led at gunpoint out to the parking lot and placed in a non-discript black minivan which only had a windshield and the required driver passanger side windows. As the group was shoved into the back passanger area a black cloth was hung up to obstruct their view out the front. ****************************************************************************** Over an hour of driving later they were let out at the airport and found their bags all packed waiting for them. Mulder imediatly went to a pay phone and called. "Mrs. Suwann?" he asked "Oh he has?! That's great! Oh, thank you. I'm glad things worked out. Okay, good bye." "Her son returned?" Scully wasn't really asking a question. "Yep," said Mulder "He just reapeared while they were sitting in the living room. Right in the same place he was before he dissapeared." "So what do we do now?" asked Sara "We go back home," said Mulder "What about the lab?" asked Karen "Come on," said Mulder and led them to the departure gate. While they sat and waited they watched CNN on the overhead TV's. "This was just handed to me," said the anchorwoman "It appears that Fielder's Reaserch Lab has been burned to the ground. We go live there right now with Ron. Ron?" The view switched to show "Ron" outside of what had been the lab. "Yes I'm here and as you can see Fielder's Research Lab has been brought to the ground by this blaze." he said indicating the wreckage behind of what had been Fielder's Research Lab. "So far the police are unsure as to what has caused the burn. But we have been told it was possibly faulty wiring in the building. As we all know, Fielder's Research Lab was built back in the 70's so this is a very plausable theory. This is breaking news and we will keep you posted as more evidence and clues turn up. Pam?" The camera went back to the anchorwoman. "Thank you Ron," she said "In case you are just joining us Fielder's Research Lab has been burned to the ground..." "Of course," said Karen looking at Sara. Sara nodded. They boarded the plane for the flight back to D.C. ***************************************************************************** FBI Headquarters the following day 8:30am Mulder sat at his computer and typed up the conclusion on the report. Thankfully he didn't have to explain every itty bitty detail that led up to it. Then he proceeded to fill out the request form for a new guns for him and his parnter. Karen and Sara played a card game while Scully organized the file for it's trip to Skinner. Suddenly Skinner himself walked in the door. "Agent Mulder..." he stopped and looked at Sara and Karen, who stopped playing cards and looked up at him in surprise. "Agent Mulder. Who are these children?" he asked "Sir, I would like you to meet Karen and Sara," said Mulder turning from his computer, standing up and gesturing to each girl as he called thier name. Skinner regarded the girls a moment before asking. "Agent Mulder, what are they doing in here?" "They are here because they are an instrumental part to the case Agent Scully and I are working on." said Mulder "Don't you mean "were" working on?" "If you are refering to the fact that the case is solved. You would be correct." said Mulder "However there are a few things we need to do before it can be considered closed." "You have six days left. I trust that will be enough." "I'm sure it will, sir." said Mulder "Make it so," said Skinner and then he left. Karen and Sara did there best, but neither of them could help cracking a grin as the infamous Captain Picard, Director Skinner joke was brought to the foreground. (Sara (light brown hair, and blue eyes) when they get back from Skinner. Missing people after sustaining a head injury. Mulder goes to say something about Kersh and thinks better of it. Less he sees of him the better. Scully doesn't see Sara appear. Government is messing around with "Teleportation and head injuries are just a way to cover it up in a way where the head injuries would look like the connection even though there really isn't one. "They" have somehow "tapped" into our reality by way of a Transdimentional Transporter". "They" are trying to find a way to send the aliens into another reality away from the X-Fillian Demension. So far it has been a success. The X-Fillian time line only goes when Carter writes another ep. This is an "Unoffical X-File" in that Kersh didn't give it to them, so Carter did not write the ep. therfore it technically doesn't exist. Technically. The "teleportation" has only been tested so far on humans using them as test subjects. People must switch with another person on the "other side" for it to work. Their "TWIN". Someone with the same physical attributes as them. Meaning Mulder's twin would be Duchovny and Scully's twin would be Anderson. Get it? Good. Karen and Sara figure all this out at the end after they return, the twin thing anyway. Mulder goes off on the head injuries for a bit but get's suspicious. Scully talks to a scientist who is top resercher. Why he is willing to talk? I have no clue. Maybe he is just tired of all the lies and cover-ups. He talks to CSM asking why they just can't let M&S in on the deal so Mulder will quit following them around. Scientist is killed and the lab is burned. )