Mistings Archive Assimilated By Matthew Cooper Original Work by Danny Wels Date Completed: Jan 2002 Data Added/Modified: Feb 24, 2002 Rating: 7.40 (with 5 entries) Rating Number 1 () 2 () 3 () 4 () 5 () 6 (1) 7 (1) 8 (3) 9 () 10 () Rate this Misting Assimilated. Original story by Danny Wels. MiSTed by Matthew Cooper. [Satellite of Love] [Darkness. A red light begins to flash in the lower corner of the screen, slowly at first, then more insistently. There is the distant sound of snoring.] [Cut to Castle Forrester. Pearl is sitting in an oversized armchair, sipping from a large glass of warm milk.] Pearl: Come on, Nelson, wakey-wakey. [SoL] [The red light flashes more and more quickly, until it is constant. The faint outline of the SoL desk is just about visible in the light. Suddenly the light stops flashing, and darkness returns for a moment. Then every light on the satellite flashes madly, and a klaxon sounds.] [Mike appears in shot, wearing blue striped pyjamas, looking very confused and with the expression of one who's just woken up in shock. Gypsy appears on the other side of the screen, wearing a night cap.] Mike: What! What! What's going on? Did we hit something? Gypsy: No, Mike, if we hit something you'd be dead before you could wake up. Mike: [Shouting above the sound of the klaxon.] Oh, that's...reassuring. [Tom and Crow run up to Mike.] Tom: What's going on, Mike? Mike: I don't know. Gypsy: Have you two been playing with the big red levers in the Life Support room again? Tom: Would we do that, Gypsy? Gypsy: [pausing] Oh no, today's Tuesday. So have you been playing with the nuclear reactor coolant again? Crow: Yes. Today's Tuesday. So what. Gypsy: [another pause] Well, just so long as you've not been causing trouble. Mike: [groaning, puts his hands over his ears.] Will somebody shut down that noise, please. [Castle] Pearl: Oops, sorry. [Very languidly spirals her finger in to a large button marked 'Klaxon OFF'] [SoL] [The lights return to normal levels and the klaxon dies away.] [Castle] Pearl: That better, you old sleepyhead? [SoL] Mike: Much, thanks. [Mike puts his hands back to his sides.] Mike: What do you want? It's three in the morning. [Gypsy shudders at that reminder, and slowly creeps back off to sleep.] [Castle] Pearl: Oh I know, Mike. I know very well. I'm having one of my insomniac nights. [SoL] Mike: Oh that's great, and you just thought you'd share it with the rest of us, huh? Thanks very much, Pearl. [Castle] Pearl: No, you know I don't share, Nelson. I just needed some way to relax, something to send me back to sleep again. [SoL] Crow: Well why don't you read one of those fanfics you send us? They always work for us. [Castle] Pearl: Funny you should mention that. I *did* pick up one of those, and took a flick through it. [SoL] Crow: And...? [Castle] Pearl: I thought that it might release a bit of tension, ease my mind a bit... [SoL] Mike: Well I'm glad you've found a cure, Pearl, now I'm going to get back to sleep. Goodnight. [Castle] Pearl: ...to send one to you! [Pushes another large red button, labelled 'Send them the fanfic'] Thanks guys, you're my saviours... [She instantly falls asleep, mug of tea falling to one side, and a faint snore escapes her lips.] [SoL] [Chaos erupts again, lights flash and klaxons sound.] Mike: We've got...[trails off into jaw-cracking yawn.] Bots: Fanfic sign! [Door sequence] *************** [Mike and the bots take their places in the theater] Mike: [Grumpily] Sweet dreams, Pearl. > > > Tom: Hello? Anyone there? > Assimilated Crow: Assimilated? Then you need new Constip-B-Gone! > > Classification: C Tom: Anyone want to suggest what 'C' could stand for? Crow: Cr-- [Mike clamps Crow's beak shut] > (between The X-Files and Star Trek: First Contact) [Mike releases Crow, but continues to glare at him] Crow: Crossover. I was trying to say 'crossover'. What's wrong with that? Mike: You still have a lot to learn, young one. > Rating: G Tom: Is that like a grade? Crow: I thought you couldn't get lower than an F, though. Mike: Uh-oh. > Summary: In the 24th century the Borg infade federation space Crow: Ah, so they sneak in through a special scene transition? > the federation manages to destroy the borg ship but before it > explodes it sents a probe to the past to assimilate the human > population. Mike: Well, that seems simple enough. [Yawns and stretches his arms above head] > > Disclaimer: Crow: Oh that won't do you *any* good at all. > The characters and situations of the television program "The X Files" > are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and > Ten-Thirteen Productions, and have been used without permission. Tom: You surprise me. > No > copyright infringement is intended. > > The characters and situations of the movie "Star Trek: First Contact" > are the creations and property of Ronald D. Moor, Brannon Braga and [Mike yawns again.] Crow: Stop it Mike, you're yawning your morning breath all over me. Mike: [snapping his mouth shut] Sorry. > Paramount Pictures, and have been used without permission. No > copyright infrigement is intended. Mike: Make the most of this, folks, it may be the last time we see a properly formatted paragraph for a while. > > Note: I've just returned from Star Trek: First Contact and I loved > that movie it is the best ST movie I have ever seen on a scale from > 1 to 10 I give it a 9.5. I've changed the plot of the movie so that > it fits in The X-Files time-line. Crow: Oh great. Now it *must* be worth a 10 out of 10. > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Federation Space > just after the borg ship has been destroyed. Mike: So we're joining the story after all the action's happened? > 2372 Tom: [Singing]...green bottles standing on a wall, and if one green bottle should accidentally fall... Bots: [Singing] ...There'd be two thousand three hundred and seventy-one green bottles, hanging on the wall. > > "We're caught in a temporal flux sir." said Data just after > the ship fired the probe before it exploded. Mike: The probe exploded? Tom: Yeah, but not yet. Not until after Data says that. Crow: No, no, it's already exploded before the ship fired it. Mike: Actually I think it was going to explode which is why the ship fired it. [The bots think it over] Crow: Makes sense. Well done, Mike. Mike: Thanks. Tom: Now, which ship fired the probe? > > "Scan the probe Data." ordered Picard. Tom: Who has to probe Data? Mike: That's enough, Tom. Tom: [sounding thoroughly confused] What? > > Data scanned the ship and reported to the captain. Crow: I thought he was going to scan the probe. Tom: But. But. But I thought the probe exploded. > > "There is borg activity on the probe." Tom: But he scanned the *ship*! > > "Oh my god this flux is a gate to the past of earth." said Riker > shocked. Crow: Talk about a non-sequiter. Tom: [Janeway] If I'm not mistaken that's a type 4 Quantum Singularity! > > "If they can't assimilate us here then they will do it in the > past so that we bon't here to stop them in the future." Tom: It's the only logical -- errrr...what? > Picard > said while he was thinking about what his options were to stop > the borg probe. Crow: He certainly wasn't thinking about what he was saying. > > "Sir, the borg has entered the flux and is on it's way to earth." Tom: Hey, wasn't all this in the movie? Mike: Kind of. Not so much quoted as paraphrased, I think. > > "We have no other choice. Follow the borg Data we have to stop > them in the past to save the future." Tom: Compared to this, the movie's explanation of time travel could have been written by Stephen Hawking. > > "Aye sir." > > The Enterprise-E slowly moves towards the rift in space and enters > it. Crow: Special effects budget of 10 cents. > > Washington DC > 5 May 1994 > 3:05 PM > > "Scully take a look at this." Mulder started his video Crow: [Mulder] There's this guy on the Red Shoe Diaries who looks just like me! > "This cube > shaped thing entered earth's atmosphere on 3 May at 7:00 AM shortly > after this was filmed Tom: It entered after this was filmed? So what's he showing, a video of the clouds? > the ship fired on earth and contact was lost > with the local population." Mike: [Mulder] We're pretty sure they forgot to pay their phone bill. > > "Did nobody survive the attack?" she asked. Mike: [Mulder] We don't know. We lost contact with them. Hello? Are you listening to me? Crow: [Scully] Yes Mulder. Why're you showing me pictures of clouds, again? > > "Nobody knows that and I'm planning to find out what happened to > the people there." Mulder answered. Crow: [Mulder] Beyond the fact that a big cube fired on them, of course. > > Back on the Enterprise the situation was critical because some borgs > managed to beam over to the Enterprise while they dropped their > shields to beam over the survivers from the Defiant and now they are > trying to take over the ship. Tom: [a la Dark Helmet to camera] Got that? Good... > > "Captain they have taken over decks 26 till 5. Crow: After that they're going to take over the gym for an hour, and then they'll be in Ten-Forward until 2am. > Most of the crew > where assimilated trying to stop them." reported the leader of > the group who had his face all covered with blood when he arr- > ived on the bridge to inform the captain of the situation. Mike: [Picard] You have failed me, you must suffer the punishment. You must be marked by blood. Crow: It's Carrie....OF THE FUTURE! > > "Captain we have no other choice we must activate the self de- > struct sequence to prefent them from taking over the ship." was > Worf's advice for the captain and most of the crew agreed with him > but Picard didn't agree with him because this was his change for > vengeance towards the borg for what they did to him in late 2363 > and some time of 2364. Tom: Hello there, I'm the author and I'm going to just come out and *tell* you my characters' motivations. It saves me from having to be subtle. Crow: Tom was angry. > > "No, every time the borg destroys a sivilization Tom: An angel gets his wings. No, wait, that's not right. > the federation > steps back, everytime they attack the federation steps back and > this time I'm not going to step back Mike: [Picard] I'm going to surrender, completely and totally. > if they want my ship they > will have to kill me first." > > "Captain I must object you're personal feelings towards the borg > afects your judgement." > > "Worf you're scared you just want to run and hide." Mike: ...said Picard, poking his head out from behind Data's shoulder. > > Worf losed his temper and he wanted to kill his captain but he > prefented himself from doing that. Crow: That was close. Tom: Sure was. Nearly had an emotional reaction, there. > > "With all due respect sir Mike: [Worf] I spit on you. > but if you weren't person who you are > I would have killed you." Crow: [Picard] Yeah, if you weren't such a scaredy-cat. Yellow, that's what you are. > > "Worf leave my bridge!" was Picards response. > > Worf left the bridge angry and Picard entered the observation > lounge to prepare a plan to stop the borg. Mike: [Picard] Okay, first line of defence is going to be Worf, stationed on the bridge. From there he -- D'oh! > > Nevada > 6 May Tom: Dear diary, today was a strange day. Big cube attacked from the skies in the north. No work today. > 1:00 PM Mike: Lunchtime! > > When Mulder and Scully arived in the village which was attacked > by the borg vessel all they could see for miles where the ruins > of what once a beautifull village was, Tom: All the words are there, but I'm not sure whether they're in the right order. > they both got out of the > car and entered the village Crow: Why? Is it a no-parking village? > searching for survivors. > > "What's wrong with this picture Scully?" Tom: [Scully] Nothing, Mulder, and I *still* don't know why FHM weren't interested. Now can you give me a break, please? > > "I have no idea Mulder. Tell me." Tom: Or alternatively, you can SHUT UP, you smug, irritating -- Mike: You tell him, Tom. > > "We've been searching for one hour now but we haven't found any > survivors on dead bodies. Strange don't you think?" Crow: [Scully] Not everyone's a necrophiliac, Mulder. > > "It's possible everybody left before the ship attacked the vil- > lage." Crow: [Scully] There *is* a sale on at the clothes store in the next village. > > "And how do you explain all these cars or at least what's left > of them?" Tom: I'd explain them as large wheely things that go vroom. > > "I can't Mulder but I'm sure there is an explenation for the > whole situation here." Mike: I can't Mulder either, but I hear it's quite a simple dance. > > "Well what do you think that happened here?" Crow: [Scully] Just another mining town gone to the wall... > > "Well 5 miles from here there is a military base right?" > > "Yeah so?" Mike: [Scully] Well they're *bound* to have some alcohol. Tom: [Mulder] Let's get going! > > "Maybe they were having a training mission for the pilots and > somehow they have gotten the wrong coordinates and dropped > their bombs on this village." she explained. Mike: They were probably aiming for an embassy. Tom: Oh you can talk about accidental bombings, mighty Planet Killer. Crow: Yeah, oh Great Destroyer. Mike: Thanks, guys. You're never going to let that drop, are you? Crow: Nope. Tom: Unlike the bombs, eh, Mike? > > "Well let's pay a little visit to the base then shall we?" Crow: Surely the destruction of a village by alien space ships would attract more attention than that of just two FBI agents...? > > Scully agreed and they both walked back to the car they drived > through what was left of the village towards the military base > 5 miles north of the village. Tom: Some of the descriptive passages are evocative of Tolkein, I find. I imagine someone will one day make lots of money by drawing maps of 'the village' and 'the military base 5 miles north of the village'. > > Meanwhile on the Enterprise. Tom: Several miles above the village, and slightly to the right. > > Everybody on the bridge was armed and ready to fight the borg like > the captain ordered them. Mike: [Picard] Fight like an Egyptian. > Picard walked to Worf who still was mad > at the captain. Crow: [Picard] I told you to get off my Bridge! > > "Mr. Worf I wanted to apologize about some of the things I've said > to you." > > "Some things you said?" Worf asked. Crow: [Picard] Yeah, I didn't mean it any of the times I said you were promoted. Mike: [Picard] Or any of the times I said it was an honour serving with you. Ensign. > > "Well I just think that you're on of the brafest man I've ever met." Tom: [Picard] Thick as mud, but very brave. > > "Thank you." Worf answered he lost all his anger towards the captain > after the conversation they just had. Crow: Fickle, foolish, forgetful Mr Worf. > > Picard walked to the middle of the bridge so that everyone on the > bridge could here him. Crow: Can I just point out that, according to the date we were given just now, they've been sat on the Bridge doing nothing but sulking for the past 24 hours... > > "Ok everyone listen. We are going to sweep decks 26 till 5 Mike: [Picard] We want the place nice and clean for our assimilators. > and > destroy any borg we encounter now I have heard that most of the > crew on those decks have been assimilated don't feel sorry for > them just kill them you will be doing them a great favor." Crow: [Picard] Plus, it cuts down on the paperwork. > > Military Base Tom: 5 Miles north of the village. > 3:10 PM > > When they arrived at the base the first strange thing they no- > ticed was that there wasn't one soldier to guard the base. Crow: The second strange thing they noticed was the five-mile-high Borg cube hovering over the base. > > "I have a bad feeling about this Scully." Crow: Which Scully? How many Scullies are there? > > "I know Mulder. Mike: Poor girl. > Something's very wrong here." Tom: [Mulder] Apart from the destruction of an entire village, of course. That was kind of a giveaway too. > > They drove further into the base after they drove for a while > searching for someone who could help them suddenly someone > jumped in front of the car the man looked like a cyborg. > Mulder couldn't stop the car in time and the cyborg got hit > by the car. > > "What the hell was that?" Tom: That's what I was going to say. Mike: [Shaking his head] Killed by a run-on sentence. Tragic. > > "I don't know Scully but I'm sure he is the answer to what > happened here. Let's ask him some questions if he's still > alive." Crow: [Mulder] And if he's dead, we can rifle through his wallet. It's a win-win situation. > > Scully agreed and they got out of the car to their surprise > the borg was gone and when searched the area to look for it > they saw nothing. > > "Mulder now I'm sure something is very wrong here." Tom: Hmmm, destruction of village + cyborg + vanishing dead body + no sign of human life = 'something very wrong' Crow: I don't think much of the FBI's training in deductive skills. > > "Do you still think that what happened here was an accident > Scully?" Crow: [Scully] No it wasn't an accident, I saw you accelerate into that poor cyborg! Mike: [Mulder] No, Scully, it was an accident, wasn't it? Crow: [Scully] Yes Mulder. > > Scully pretended that she didn't hear that question and enter- > ed the car again when Mulder wanted to enter the car someone > grabbed his shoulder's. Tom: Grabbed his shoulder's...what? > > "Hey you're hurting me." Mulder said while he was suffering > great pain in his shoulder. Mike: hehe [Mulder, woodenly] Ouch, ouch. My my the pain is somewhat unbearable. Tom: [Scully] Gosh! > > "Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated to serve the > collective." Mike: [Mulder] Prepare. Yes, I will go prepare in my car, with the engine running. > > "Who the hell are you?" Mulder asked. > > "I'm 198." answered the borg. Crow: [Mulder] Happy birthday! > > "Scully I would apreciate some help from you." Tom: A real gentleman. Still polite despite all that pain. > > "Mulder we're outnumbered by them I just don't have enough > bullets to shoot all of them." Crow: [Mulder] Well do you think you could shoot the one that's ripping my arm off? Tom: Err, there *is* only one of them. > > "Well think of something else then." Crow: Just don't think of Pink Elephants! > > On the Enterprise Picard, Data and Geordi remained on the bridge > to guard it so that the borg couldn't get full control of the > ship. Tom: I bet they run off the moment a Borg appears. Typical officers. Crow: [Picard] Go ahead, Worf, we'll be right behind you, won't we guys? Tom/Mike: [Data/Geordi] Yes, captain. Right behind you, Mr Worf. > > "Captain?" > > "Yes, Data." > > "I'm picking up 300 life-signs from Nevada on earth." Mike: [Picard] Ugh! Put them down! > > "Are they human?" > > "Two of them are." > > "And the remaining 298?" > Tom: [Data] Lawyers, sir. > "They are borg sir." > > "Beam the two humans directly to the bridge Data." > > "But that is on violation with starfleet protocol sir." Crow: [Data] I've been waiting seven years to be beamed directly to the bridge and it's never happened. Why should they get all the fun? > > "Mr. Worf what's more important two lifes that can be saved > or starfleet protocol?" > > When worf didn't answer after while Crow: ...Picard remembered that Worf wasn't on the bridge anymore. > captain gave Data the order > to beam them to the bridge. > > "Entering coordinates, the transporter is locked on them sir." > > "Energize!" Tom: [Picard] No! Wait! I meant Brig, not Bridge! > > "Let me go!" Mulder screamed. Mike: [Mulder] Scully's mom lets *her* go to the sweetie shop on her own! > > "Resistance is futile." was the borgs response. Mike: [Mulder] Actually, resistance is related to the amount of electrical curr -- glerk! > > The borg activated his assimilation program and was moving > his needle to Mulder's neck to assimilate him. > > "No!!!!! Mulder!!!!!" Crow: Spot the censored swear-words. > > Then they both where beamed to the bridge of the Enterprise. Tom: Which was at least better than the nostril of the Enterprise. Mike: Yuk, Tom. Tom: Sorry, I've been trying to think of a good Bridge joke all day. > > Picard walked to them to greet them, Scully and Mulder both > pointed their gun at Picard. > > "Stay there don't come closer!" Mulder said. > > "Look I know this must be confusing but please drop your guns > and I will explain everything." Mike: [Picard] First, there was the Word, and the Word was good. Tom: [Mulder] Okay, you don't have to explain *everything* > Picard said trying to calm them. All: [Picard] Trying to calm them. > > "No change mister!" Scully said. Crow: [traffic warden] That's no excuse, ma'am. If you park here you have to pay into the meter. Mike: It's just a typo, Crow. 'No chance'. Give the guy a break, why don't you? Crow: You're too forgiving, Mike. Mike: [looking at Crow] I've had lots of practice. Crow: Hey! > > "Captain the computer is registering movement just outside the > bridge." Data reported after he scanned the ship. > > "Captain to security team." Crow: [Picard] Get back up here and protect us, damn you. > Picard didn't get a response "Picard > to security team!!" when he didn't get a response for the second > time he began to get worried about his crew members "Picard to > Beverly please respond!" no answer "Picard to Riker!!" no re- > sponse either "Picard to Geordi come in!!" Tom: [Geordi] Er, I'm right here, sir. > when he didn't get > a response from him either Mike: ...he began to wonder whether he was really as popular as he thought he was. > he hated himself for sending them > out there on a suicide mission for his personal vengeance on > the borg. Crow: And for not leaving some up here to sacrifice themselves for him. Tom: This is really some vengeance, y'know. He must have killed, ooh, at least *ZERO* Borg so far. > > "I don't want to interupt anything but someone is opening the > door." Mulder said. Mike: [Borg] Avon calling! > > Everybody's eyes where watching the door that was almost open after > a few minutes the door was open but there was no one in the opening. Mike: The cunning Borg decoy plan distracted everybody long enough for them to sneak in the other door and take over the ship. > > "Data?" > > "I don't know how to explain this captain." Tom: [Data] What is this thing you call...love? > > Before Data could finish the bridge was suddenly filled with > borgs Worf draws his phaser Crow: Okay okay, so Worf's on the bridge. Geordi's gone. What's the point of reading this stuff if it doesn't make any difference five minutes later anyway? > and shoots at one of the borgs but > they already seemed to have adapt to this laser frequency Tom: I call this sentence 'an exploration of the effect of changing tense' > that > they probarly encountered during the fight with the security > teams the borg shoots back at Worf and he vaporizes into thin > air. Crow: Okay, now Worf's gone again. I'm going to start making a chart. > > "WORF!!!!!!" Crow: He'd better not answer, or I'll be really annoyed. > Picard now really hated himself for being responsible > of the death of a great man he should have destroyed Mike: ...personally. > the Enterprise > when he had the change. Crow: Just a typo, Mike? [Mike shrugs] > > "Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated." > > Mulder holds Scully hand. Tom: [Mulder] Wait! I will trade her life for mine. > > "Well that's the end of it partner. I enjoyed working with you." > > "Mulder I have one thing to say before we die." Crow: [Scully] It's...supercalifragilisticexp -- > > "And what's that?" Mike: [Mulder, annoyed] If this is about my seed-eating habit again then I'm just gonna get mad. > > "Mulder I ....." she didn't finish her sentence because she just > couldn't say what she wanted to say to him since she saw him for > the first time. Tom: That is to say...errr...[trailing off] Crow: [Scully] Mulder, I...really loved you in Twin Peaks. > > Before they knew it the room was filled with borgs and the only > way out was the way where the borg came trough in. Tom: They came in a trough? Is this a nursery rhyme? > > "Data is it possible to beam us directly from the bridge." asked > Picard. Tom: [Data] No sir, that's against Starfleet protocol. > > "No, sir it appears that the borg have de-activated the trans- > porters on the Enterprise. But I have another solution for > this problem sir, I will try to keep the borg busy so that > you could escape trough the Jeffrey tubes." Tom: Cool, they have an Escape Trough too. Mike: Say whatever you want about this author, but at least he's consistent. Crow: Not all *that* consistent. He said there was no other way out, ten seconds ago. > > Picard agreed and he said to Mulder and Scully to follow him Crow: Human shields are always handy. > into the jeffrey tube located in the left corner of the bridge > Jean-Luc couldn't stop thinking about Data he hoped that he was > alright. Tom: Data owed him ten credits. > > Engineering. > > Data was tied to some kind of device Mike: It's... All: THE COMFY CHAIR! > after a while he saw a fe- > male borg. Crow: [Data] Well hello-o-o. > > "Welcome Data." she said. > > "Who are you?" Tom: [Borg Queen] Doris. > > "I am the borg." she answered. Tom: [Borg Queen] And my name is Doris. > > "Are you the leader?" Tom: [Borg Queen] I insist, Data, call me Doris. Please. Nobody ever does. > > "Stop asking this useless questions you have been far to long > around humans they spoiled your positronic brain it's capable > of more than this." Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, that was Alice Krige as The Borg Queen. > > Meanwhile in the Jeffrey tubes Picard, Scully and Mulder have > been crawling through them for an hour. > > "Where are we going?" Scully asked. Mike: In circles, apparently. > > "Well the borg have taken over decks 26 till 5 and probarly the > bridge so I'm planning to go to sickbay on deck 4." Crow: [Picard] They just got re-stocked last week and I'm in need of a fix. > > "What these borg things anyway?" Mulder asked. Tom: [Mulder] Me got report Tarzan about borg things. Tell about borg things. > > Picard stopped crawling. > > "It all started in 2362 Tom: [Mulder] 2362? But that's in the future! Mike: [Picard] Perhaps I'd better back up a bit. > when we got a visit from Q, Crow: [Picard] He gave me an Aston Martin and this neat little briefcase with a knife built into it. > I told him > the federation was prepared for anything and Q warped us about > 7000 light years from our present Tom: Q is always spoiling Christmas. > lofcation at that time and > he left. After a day or two Mike: Err, is this really best time for Picard to explain the last seven years of plot? Crow: At least this bit /has/ a plot. > we encountered a cube shaped ship > which ordered us to lower Crow: [Picard] ...the volume of our music because they were trying to revise and didn't we have homes to go to anyway? > our shields so that they could take > our technology and assimilate us when we refused they opened > fire upon us and we sustained heavy damage we managed to de- > stroy their tractor beam and escape on maximum warp but they > were gaining on us and on the last moment q warped us back > to the place where we started after I admitted that I needed > his help. Tom: Picard's got quite a set of lungs there, hasn't he? > After this first encounter with the borg Tom: Oh grief, there's more. > the feder- > ation started to develop weapons which could destroy a borg > ship. Then in 2363 Crow: ...Windows 2100 was finally released. > that what the federation was afraid of > happened Mike: France won the Eurovision Song Contest. > the borg arrived in federation space and destroyed > a colony of ours the Enterprise was sent to investigate Tom: We concluded that 'something was very wrong there'. > and > when we encountered the borg ship they boarded the Enterprise > and took me to their ship where they transformed me All: [Singing] Robots in disguise! > into > Locutus of borg and they made me destroy many federation ships > at Wolf 359 Crow: They crashed a convention? Hate it when that happens. > the crew of the Enterprise managed to save earth > and me and we destroyes the borg ship. Tom: [Mulder] Well, that's very interesting. I'm glad I asked. But shouldn't we be mov -- > In 2365 we picked up [All groan] > a distress signal when we arrived at the planet we found Mike: Waffle waffle waffle. Listening to all this, you know what I really want? Tom: Earplugs? Crow: A lobotomy? Mike: Waffles! > three borgs two were dead and one survived we took him on > the Enterprise so that we could learn more about them my [Mike stands up and wanders out of the theater] Tom: Mike? > chief engineer became a friend of the borg and named him > Hugh Crow: Me? Tom: Bad joke, Crow. Crow: Sorry. Tom: Hey, are you following any of this? Crow: Not really. Can you remember who's speaking? > and the borg developed and personality but my plan [Mike returns and takes his seat] Tom: Where have you been? Mike: Just putting some waffles on. > was to put some kind of device in him that would destroy Mike: Is he still going on about the Borg? Crow: And on and on and on. Tom: Et cetera. > the entire borg collective when I spoke with Hugh Mike: Me? Crow: Not funny, Mike. Mike: Sorry. > it was > more difficult for me to sent him back and kill them so Tom: [Picard] So I sent Riker. > I decided to let him go back to the collective against > the wishes of starfleet. And in 2365 it appeared that Mike: Weren't we already in 2365 when I left? Tom: Feels more like 2578 to me. > a part of the borg collective also developed a perso- > nality Crow: Unfortunately it was the personality of Drew Carey. > and didn't serve the collective anymore instead > they served Data's evil brother Lore who tried to destroy > the federation. Tom: [Mulder] Data? Tell me about Data? Mike/Crow: Arghh! Crow: Don't even joke about it, Servo. > And finnaly [All cheer] > in 2372 the Enterprise was or- > dered to patrol the neutral zone during the invasion of [Mike sniffs] > the borg, I ignored starfleet orders and we joined the battle Crow: [Picard] I was in the mood for a good fight [Smoke starts to pour into the theater, stage right. Mike and the bots remain oblivious, although Mike continues to sniff] > when we arrived the flagship was destroyed Tom: [Picard] ...with only a single blast of our phasers. [Mike coughs] Tom: You okay, Mikey? [The smoke quickly obscures the bots and Mike] > so I took command > of the fleet I ordered the fleet to shoot on one point of the Gypsy [off-screen]: Hey, did someone leave something on the grill out here? Mike: [coughing] Geez, forgot about my waffles! [Mike leaps to his feet and runs out of the theater, Tom and Crow watch him leave, then look at each other.] Bots: Idiot. > borg ship we managed to destroy it but it launched a probe Tom: Okay, this time I'm going to figure out what happened. [There is the sound of Mike screaming. Sprinklers switch on suddenly, drenching the theater and the bots.] Crow: Hey, cut it out, guys, we're trying to watch a fanfic here. Tom: Yeah, we're trying to -- hang on a minute. [The bots leave the theater at a rate of knots] > before it exploded the probe opened a temporal flux we followed > it into the flux Tom [off-screen]: That *still* makes no sense. > and the rest of the story is familiar to you." [More screams, door sequence and back into the SOL] **************** [Mike is standing over the smoking remains of a waffle iron, fire- extinguisher hanging limply from his hand. His face is blackened. Water falls from above, looking suspiciously like it's coming from buckets of water being thrown by stage hands. Gypsy is looking at him disapprovingly, still wearing her night cap. Crow and Tom walk in, chattering amongst themselves.] Crow: Oh hi Mike, how's the meal going? [Mike turns to glare at him] Crow: Not good, eh? Never mind, we'll order pizza or something. Gypsy: How many times have I told you about cooking while you're watching theater, Mike? Mike: [turning to face Gypsy] I was going to come get the waffles after Picard had stopped making his speech in there. It took longer than I expected. [A bucket's-worth of water splashes into Mike's face.] Mike: Can you switch the sprinklers off now, please, Gypsy? [Gypsy tuts and exits stage right, while Mike puts the extinguisher down] Tom: Good job Gypsy was out here, or the whole place could have gone up. Crow: 'Mike the satellite killer'. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? [Mike raises a hand threateningly towards Crow, but is stopped by another splash of water. He stands and drips.] Crow: [oblivious] You should go into demolition, you know. Tom: Yeah. [Getting carried away] We could make the SoL into a cube shape and everything. Crow: [doing a bad impression of Mike] I am Mike of Borg. You will be assimi -- Oh sorry, I pushed the wrong button. Tom: [doing the same] And it was such a nice planet. [More water flies into shot, accompanied by a bucket that falls behind the counter. An embarrassed stagehand ducks into view and retrieves it with a mumbled apology.] Mike: Gypsy? Gypsy [off-screen]: Okay okay, I've turned them off. Happy? Mike: Ecstatic. [Commercial light flashes] Mike: Okay guys, I'm going to go clean my face and dry off a bit, you keep making fun of me, okay? Tom: Whatever you say, Mike. [Cut to commercials] **************** [Back to the SoL] [Mike and the Bots enter the theater to the sound of squelching, Mike is now wearing an Arthur Dent style dressing gown.] Mike: [shouting] Ugh, it's soaking in here, Gypsy. Gypsy [off-screen]: You made your bed, Mike, you lie in it. Mike: Thanks, Gypsy. [muttering] I'd still *be* in bed if it weren't for Pearl. > > They heared some noises from the tube north of them Picard drawed > his phaser. [Mike and the bots settle down, gingerly. FX: More squelching] > > "Wait here." he said. Mike: [Picard] I'll finish my story when I get back. Crow: [Mulder, quietly] Great. > > He crawled to the tube north of them Crow: Can you have 'north' on a starship, Mike? > he looked around the corner > and was relieved when he saw most of his crew. Tom: ...dead. Mike: [Picard] That'll make things easier. > > "Captain!" they all said surprised. Crow: Rapidly, they hid the deck of cards and poker chips. > > "Follow me." ordered Picard. > > They followed him to the place where he left Mulder and Scully > behind. Mike: i.e. Around the corner. > > "Mulder, Scully this are commander William T. Riker, Geordi La > Forge, Beverly Howard Crusher and Counselor Deanna Troi." Tom: Counsellor Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic. > > They greeted each other, Riker opened his tricorder and scanned > the tubes. Tom: Strange kind of greeting. > > "There are no borgs in a range of 200 meters sir but there's > something else that I'm picking up." > > "And what's that Number one?" Crow: [Riker] Rabies, sir. > > "I'm picking up a transporter signal from within the ship, so > they either beamed to earth or they beamed the borgs from earth > to the Enterprise." Tom: That's it, I can't stand anymore. The plural of Borg is Borg! Mike: It's no good, Tom, the author can't hear you. > > "I just don't understand why this base is so important to the > borg." Picard said. Mike: What base? What did I miss? Tom: [Borg] All your base are belong to us. > > "There was a launching planned today." Scully said. Crow: Eh? I don't know, Mike. Think the author forgot to tell us. > > "But why is this launching so important for the borg that they > want to prevent it from happening?" > > "This is rocket with some added componets that will enables it > to travel at speed of light." Mulder explained to the crew of > the Enterprise. Crow: Why is he talking like Zathras all of a sudden? Tom: [Zathras] Ahh, Riker, Number One? Ahhhh. Oh. Not The One. Can't talk, won't talk, not The One. > > "Oh my god this stop Mike: Now he's composing a telegram. WE ARE STOP IN DEEP TROUBLE WITH STOP RANDOM STOP STOPS STOP. STOP STOPPING STOP. > this test and the warp coil will never be > invented. We have to make sure this launching takes place, Riker > you take Mulder and Scully to transporter room 4 and beam them > into the base their mission is to find a survivor to start the > launch." Picard said Tom: *We* know they're highly-trained FBI agents, but what makes Picard think they're not just computer programmers? Crow: Err, their guns? Tom: Oh yeah. So how does he know they're not just mafia computer programmers? > > "What if there aren't any survivors?" Mike: [Picard] Well then you won't get to kill anyone. > > "Then you have to find a way launch the rocket or the humans in > the future will be doomed. The rest of us stay on the ship and > we try to stop the borgs from taking over the ship." Tom: Sounds fair. Entire future of human race: allocate Riker and two new recruits. Safety of an already-destroyed starship: allocate *EVERYONE ELSE*. > > Military Base > 4:59 PM Mike: Nearly dinnertime! > > Mulder, Scully and Riker were beamed into a room that appears to > be the briefing room. Crow: They *were* beamed there and it *still does* appear so, so no comments about past and present tense, Tom. Tom: I wasn't going to have said a word. > > "So what do we do know?" Scully asked. Tom: [Mulder] I know that you're a poopie-head. > > "I think the three of us should split up and search the base for > survivors." was Mulder's suggestion. Mike: [Scully] Maybe you could use that tricorder device you used ten minutes ago to detect life forms, Riker? Tom/Crow: [Riker/Mulder] Shut up, Scully. > > "No we need to stick together incase we encounter a borg." Tom: [Riker] What would have been the point of bringing cannon fodder if we all split up? > > Mulder and Scully agreed with him and they left the briefing > room when they walk through the hallway for some time they > encounterd a door with written on it. Crow: 'Encountered' being the polite way of saying Riker walked into it. Tom: [Riker] Do you think this is the bathroom, folks? > > "I will stay here and guard the control center. If you find > a survivor and return here knock three times on the Crow: [Singing] ...ceiling if you wa-ant me. Twice on the pipe... > door when > you hear me say assimilated Mike: Is that really a very good codeword? Crow: [Riker] Durr, what words are the Borg unlikely to say? I know! 'Resistance is Futile'! > then it's safe to enter if I don't > answer then I'm probarly also a borg." Tom: [Riker] Or I'm hiding in a cupboard. One of the two. > > Riker entered the room and closed the door behind him. Tom: This from the guy that said they needed to stick together. Mike: [Mulder] Gee Scully, do you think there are any Borg in the control center? Maybe he should have checked before locking himself in there? > Scully and > Mulder walked further Crow: [Scully] Screw Riker. > until they saw another door they opened it > and a man lies in front of them. Tom: [man] I am a woman. Mike: [Mulder] No you're not. Tom: [man] Yes I am. Also, I am in Africa. Crow: [Scully] No you're not. Mike: [Mulder] How dare you lie in front of us. > > "Are they gone?" he asked. > > "There are no borgs in this base." Mulder said. Tom: [Mulder] But there's a bit of bother by the barracks. > > "Borgs? Who are you?" > > "We are agents Mulder and Scully we work for the FBI. And who > are you?" > > "I'm Jonathan Frekas." [All laugh] Tom: What are they going to do if he and Riker are in the same scene? > > "Do you know how to launch the rocket?" Scully asked. Crow: [Jonathan] No, I'm an actor! > > "Yes, what's the time anyway the launching should have started > at 3:05 PM and where is everybody else who work here?" > > "I'm sorry but your the only survivor of the attack. Crow: [Scully] At least, we presume that to be the case, because we're not going to bother looking anywhere else. Tom: This military base only has two rooms. > The time is > 5:34 PM." Tom: But it does have a hallway that took about half an hour to walk across. > > "Well get me to the control center then and let's launch that damn > thing." Jonathan said. Mike: [Jonathan] I hated everyone here anyway, I don't care if they all died. > > Mulder and Scully carried the man Crow: Why are they carrying him? Is he a King or something? Mike: No, but he is the director of the movie. He gets whatever he wants! > to the control center they knocked > three times on the door but they didn't get a response after a while > Mulder knocked again but there was no response. Tom: [Riker] Oh wait, they knocked six times. Better not open the door. > > "Are you ready Scully?" > > "Yes, but do we do with Jonathan?" Mike: [Mulder] If you want to. > > "Just leave me here and come and get me when it's safe." Jonathan > answered. Tom: Another Riker characteristic coming through, there. > > Mulder and Scully drew there gun. Crow: Does anyone else think they should have one each? Tom: Not for the safety of the general public. > > "On the count of three ok?" Mulder asked > > Scully agreed. Tom: [Scully, woodenly] Yes, Mulder, I agree. Crow: Do you think she's charging the writer for every word she says, or something? > > "One." > > "Two." > > "Three!" > > Mulder kicked the door and entered the room once Mike: ...left the room four times, and then re-entered twice. > inside there was > nobody there. Crow: Well, nobody except for Mulder. Tom: Pedant. > > "Where did Riker go?" > > "I don't know Scully but let's get Jonathan inside and start the > launching of the rocket. Mike: [Scully, shaking head] Boys and their toys. > > 30 Minutes later Tom: [Jonathan] Damn stupid rocket. I *pushed* the stupid button, you stupid computer, why won't you work? Crow: [Scully] Maybe you should try recalcul -- Tom: [Jonathan] I already *tried* recalibrating the stupid analogue timer recording device, and still the stupid computer's saying 'You have performed a' STUPID 'illegal operation'. > > The hatch of the silo outside the base opened and a rocket flies > into the sky and finally entered space after a while Mike: Finally after a while, hmmm? > the two na- > cels started the light speed sequence and the rocket entered > light speed the test was a succes. Tom: [Jonathan] Piece of cake. Mike: [Mulder] Very clever of you to think of recalculating the initial thrust vectors, there, Jonathan. Tom: [Jonathan] Well thank you, Fox. Crow: [Scully, quietly and angrily] Boys. > > Engineering > > Picard and the rest of the crew managed to stop the borg from > taking over the ship and they also rescued Data in engineering Tom: It all gets so much easier when the writer gets bored. > > "I have to admit sir I sure was interested in there offer for > some time." > > "How long Data?" > > "0.678 seconds sir." Crow: Welcome back to 'Name That Dialogue Fragment', with your host, Danny Wels. > > "Picard to transporter room." Tom: Why's he narrating himself? > > "Transporter room here." Tom: Now the transporter room's at it, too. > > "Beam Riker from the surface back to the Enterprise." > > "I'm sorry sir but Riker is not on the surface anymore sir." Crow: [Transporter guy] He's six feet under it. Still want me to beam him aboard? Mike: Ugh. Tom: [Transporter guy] Sorry sir, please don't kill me sir, It's not my fault. Sir. > > "What? Data get to the bridge and scan earth for Riker's signal." Mike: [Picard] I believe his head is big enough to be picked up on radar. > > Bridge Crow: How nice, an interval. > > "Captain I'm not picking up Riker's signal it appears he's dead." Mike: [Data] Of course, it's difficult to tell. > > "Damn, I've lost of my crew on my personal crusade. Well Data get > us back to the 24th century." Tom: Such remorse. Crow: [Picard] Oh no, I've killed most of my crew. Oh well, better get back to patrolling the neutral zone. > > "Yes sir." > > Data created another temporal flux and the Enterprise entered it and > left the 20th century. Mike: Hooray for the amazing technical accomplishments of Data. Tom: Actually, that bit was the same in the movie, I think. Crow: [Data] One temporal flux and a side order of transporter magic...et voila. > > Just outside the military base. > > Mulder and Scully where driving back to Washington. Mike: They had to drive all the way from Nevada? Tom: Boy, those FBI accountants are *cheap*. > > "Mulder where did Riker go?" Crow: [Mulder] Who cares? Drive faster. > > "I don't know Scully I think he beamed back to the ship." > > "And if he didn't?" Mike: [Mulder] Well then he'll have to go into acting. > > "Well he wasn't assimilated. At least I hope he wasn't." Mike: [Mulder] Even if he was, he could still go into acting. > > And the they drove away into the night. > > THE END??? Crow: I don't like the look of those question marks, guys. > > Tom: Yes, Mr Fanfic? Is there more? > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ All: Argh! > > Text Copyright ÷ Danny Wels Tom: Oh, phew. That's alright. You're welcome to it, Danny. > > [All three start moving out of the theater] > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Doors sequence] *********************** [Mike wanders back into the SoL's control room, the bots are nowhere to be seen. The main lights are dimmed, but lots of green lights are strewn around the place at random.] Mike: Tom? Crow? [There's a fragment of the spooky diddly-diddly-dee bit from the X-Files theme.] Mike: Gypsy? [Mike looks around in confusion, and shadow flits across the front of the screen while his back is turned. He snaps his head around just in time to miss whatever it was.] Mike: Where are you guys? [Gypsy enters stage left] Gypsy: Mike! Am I glad to see you. We're losing power for some reason. [There is a thrumming sound, and Tom floats in. He is also strewn with green LEDs and has a small laser mounted above his globe.] Mike: Tom? Tom: I am Servo of Wels. Mike: [Turning to Cambot] Something's very wrong here. [Cue another sting from the X-Files theme, Crow enters stage right, similarly attired in green lights] Crow: I am T-Robot of Wels. You will be disinterested. Tom: Existence is futile. [Mike and Gypsy are back to back, as the two Wels-assimilated robots approach from either side] Mike: What's happened around here, Gypsy? Gypsy: Well Mike, it all started ten years ago when Joel created some robots and was stranded on a space station. He became the subject of an evil experiment to see the effects of really bad fiction on the psyche, masterminded by Dr Forrester. This proceeded for several years, but eventually Joel was replaced on the satellite by Mike, who wasn't as good as Joel but we try not to mention that, and soon Dr Forrester was replaced by Pearl who sent even worse fiction purely because she enjoyed the sadistic process of causing such torment to those who had no power over their futures but -- Mike: Err, Gypsy? Gypsy: -- there was a series of accidents that caused several minor planets to be destroyed which wouldn't have happened if Joel was still around but we're not going to mention that and then the satellite moved around the galaxy for a while pursued by a beat up old van piloted by Pearl and crewed by an Observer who carried his brain in a tub and a chimpanzee named Bobo and -- [Gypsy turns to face Mike, and suddenly she has a laser mounted to the side of her head.] Mike: No, Gypsy, tell me it's not true! Gypsy: -- and then everyone went back in time for a while -- Tom: Wels will assimilate you. Crow: Resistance is futile. Mike: No, guys. You have to resist! Think of the good times. We've been through worse than that story. It can't do this to you. Tom: Wels will assimilate you. Crow: Resistance is futile. Gypsy: -- but for some reason there was no end to the torrent of bad stories -- Mike: Come on, you survived Manos! You surived the Eye of Argon! Crow: Resistance is futile. Tom: Wels will...will...the probe, Mike? [Tom turns back and forth in confusion] Gypsy: -- and movies being sent to the SoL and -- Mike: Forget the probe, Tom, the probe's not important, come back to me, buddy. Tom: But it exploded, and then it was launched, and then Data probed the ship, and then it was sent back in time. Crow: Resistance is...is...is Worf on the bridge, Mike? Mike: It doesn't matter, Crow, you know this always happens when you try to follow the plot! Tom: You're right, Mike! I will not become another Welsian zombie. I am not a cyborg, I am a free man! Crow: [whispering] Robot Tom: A free robot! Gypsy: -- then Pearl sent us a story that had a crossover between the X- Files and Star Trek: First Contact and from there the story is familiar to you. [All look at Gypsy] Mike: You okay Gypsy? Gypsy: Yeah, I just had this urge to explain everything. It's passed now. Oh well, back to work. [Gypsy heads back off screen] Mike: Well that was easy. [Voice of author, laden with menace, booms throughout the ship] Author: Well I was getting bored, so I thought I should finish everything up. Tom: But shouldn't we tie up a few loose ends? Author: Sorry, can't be bothered. Crow: But -- Author: Sorry, I'm fading you out now, have a nice day. Mike: Well fine, you just go and fade us out then. Author: Actually, there's a better effect if you appear to be in mid- conversation at the time, we don't want anybody to get a sense of closure, do we? Mike: Oh, I guess not. Okay then, we'll try. Author: Thank you, thank you very much. Mike: No problem. [Woodenly] So did you enjoy the fic, guys? Tom: What do you think, Mike? [Fade to black. Large unfriendly red lettering scrolls across the screen] THE END??? *****----------------------------------***** Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc. Thanks for the use of them, guys! Comments or constructive abuse welcome at curiosity@techemail.com *****----------------------------------***** > "Damn, I've lost of my crew on my personal crusade. Well Data get > us back to the 24th century." Rate this Misting Michael K. Neylon/mneylon@masemware.com Last Modified: