Tom and Crow are watching as Mike attempts to bring something down from the attic. Mike is standing on a step ladder and can only be seen from the waist down. TOM: You find it Mike? MIKE: (muffled) I think so. CROW: Careful! My marble collection is up there! MIKE: (same) I got it! It was under a big stack, but...whoah...easy...watch it! AAHHHHH! Mike comes down in an avalanch of boxes, board games, and marbles. CROW: My marbles!!! TOM: ( surveying the pile of stuff.) So *that's* where my walkman went! MIKE: (buried under the pile) Umm, a little help here? BOTS: Sure. Just a second. (start looking over all the stuff.) MAGIC VOICE: Comercial sign! Bots can be seen sifting through the pile of stuff. CROW: Hey! Cool! I found a mask of Mike's face. MIKE: Not really. CROW: AH! TOM: Mike, where have you been? MIKE: Under this pile. Didn't you hear me calling out? CROW: Yeah, but that was over an hour ago! MIKE: Somebody hit the button. Crow hits it with his beak. PEARL: (Bobo and Brain Guy can be seen playing somesort of board game in the back seat.) Greetings gang! ...I say Bots. Where's Nelson? TOM: Oh, he's trapped under a pile of junk from the attic. PEARL: Really? Well, he'd better get up. I found a "Happy" story for you. MIKE: (off stage) Do I have to? PEARL: Yes. Mike is standing behind the counter. MIKE: Okay, now that I can feel my legs. What were you saying Pearl? PEARL: (annoyed) I was saying..that I found another "Happy" story for you. It's The X-Files, and that is all I'm going to tell you. So ready or not...Here it comes!!! ALL: We've got X-Files SIIIIGGGGNNNNN!!!! They all scramble over the pile and head for the doors, but once they are clear they all fall flat on their backs. CROW: My marbles!!! TOM: (whispering) He's lost 'em. >Disclaimer: All right! ALL: All wrong! >I'll talk, just no more Barney!!! MIKE: I guess things could be worse. CROW: Worse than a "Happy" story?! TOM: How? MIKE: We could be reading "Barney" fanfic. CROW: True. TOM: Luckily most "Barney" fans are under the writing age. >I'll admit it, they aren't mine. The X-Files (and all that comes >with it.) belong to Chris Carter. CROW: (as sports anouncer) He's at the 40....the 30....the 20.... ALL: HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!!! > Balderdash (the dice, markers, game board, and the gazillion >cards.) belong to Gameworks Creations INC. (I think.) TOM: That's open for debate. >Rating: G, yet more proof that I don't have a life. ALL: We believe you already!! >Summary: Mulder, Scully, and Cancerman play Balderdash. >Stuff: As always, send all flames, e-mail bombs, and book deals >to issaquah@mailexcite.com. Thanx! TOM: That's the "special" Thanks for X-Philes. >Balderdash > >By: Happy > >Basement of FBI building >Washington D.C. >10:13pm (sorry, resistance was futile!) MIKE: I'm confused. Is this "Trek" or "Files"? > Mulder and Scully walk in. A silhouette of a man can be >seen in the dark corner of the room. The tip of a cigarette glows >orange red for a moment. TOM: Before engulfing the room in flames incinerating it's occupants instantly. MIKE: It's too early to be dark. TOM: Daylight savings time, Mike. > "What do you want?" asks Mulder ALL: To get out of this fanfic!!! > Scully looks from Mulder to Cancerman and then back to >Mulder. MIKE: (as Scully) Dang! Which one of you is Mulder again? I think I'd better get my prescription checked. > "What's going on Mulder?" she asks. > "Ask him." says Mulder. CROW: (as Scully) What's going on Cancerman? > They both look a Cancerman with questions in their eyes. MIKE: Exclamation points in their noses, periods on their lips... > Cancerman drops his cigarette and grinds it with his toe. He >steps forward. He appears to be carrying a box 12in.X8in. TOM: No, no. More like 8 and a half. > He sets the box on Mulder's desk then turns on the light. Scully >studies the box for a moment. CROW: (as Scully) Aw man! I spent all last night watching movies, I'll never have this memorized in time for the test! > "Balderdash?" she looks at Mulder. > "We are going to play." says Cancerman. > "Oh we are. Are we?" says Mulder > "Yes," says Cancerman "Because I know things you *wish* >to know." TOM: Come on! If wishes worked for Mulder he would have a life by now! > Mulder pulls up two chairs while Cancerman lights up >another cigarette. The agents sit and Cancerman takes Mulder's >spot.. CROW: (as Cancerman) I'm sorry was this *your* spot? Not anymore....hee...hee...hee. > behind the desk. Lifting the lid he proceeds to take out the game board, the markers, dice, pencils, answer sheets, and >finally the box of cards. Scully takes the red piece, MIKE: It matches her hair. > Mulder takes the blue, CROW: Do they *always* have to be opposite? TOM: Nah, he took it so it would match his suite. Black an' Blue. Ya know? >and Cancerman takes the white. MIKE: To match his lungs. >Scully raises one eyebrow when she sees this. TOM: The other went down..down to the briney deep!! > "How do we play?" asks Mulder. > "Simple," says Cancerman... TOM: ...I load *one* bullet into this gun, spin the chamber, and you ask yourself: Do I feel lucky?....Well, *do* you? >..."We each take turns drawing a card. The dice is rolled. The >number corresponds to a word on the card. If a six is rolled it's >your choice. CROW: The rock? Or the hard place? > The word is read to the other players and spelled. The other >players proceed to write down what they think it might mean. >Meanwhile, the player with the card writes down what it *really* >means. TOM: (as Cancerman) Except when it's my turn, then the word means what ever I want it to mean. > Next the definitions are read and each player tries to guess the >correct meaning. You move one space if you guess correctly, >one space if someone guesses your answer, three..if you are the >card holder and no one guesses the correct answer, and three if >you submit the correct definition. First one to the finish wins." > "Simple," says Scully "Who goes first?" MIKE: No. It's Who's *on* first. > "Who do you think?" says Mulder with a wiry grin. > "Chromonea," says Cancerman looking at the first card "C-... ALL: (singing) ...is for cookie, that's good enough for me! >...h-r-o-m-o-n-e-a." > The agents start writing while Cancerman fills in the correct >answer. CROW: (sarcasticly) Suuure he did. > Scully hands hers in first. Mulder writes a minute longer... MIKE: He wrote: "A minute longer." in his definition? >...then hands his in. > "Chromonea," says Cancerman reading the first one "A >filament present in a chromotid during the stages of mitosis. >Chromonea, an alien bacteria which lies dormant until the body >temperature is raised above 98.6. Digests the host as >nourishment while it grows. TOM: (sarcasticly) Gee, I wonder which one is Mulder's. > Chromonea: A twisted filament present in a chromotid during >all stages of cellular mitosis." > "Hmm, I'd have to say the first one." says Mulder. > "The last," says Scully. CROW: Once again. I point out that they are *always*... MIKE: You know, I saw a movie by that name once. TOM: I heard it was pretty good. MIKE: Better than what we see! CROW: Hey! > "Very well," says Cancerman "Scully moves five." > "Lessee," says Mulder rolling the dice "Four...Tonsure. T-o->n-s-u-r-e." > They write. The cards are turned in. Mulder squints as he >tries to read Cancerman's. TOM: That's cause he forgot to put on his glasses. Duh! CROW: Shh..you aren't supposed to notice continuity errors. MIKE: Besides which, this is fanfic. CROW: Actually I was referring to the fact that in the show, after the first season, we never see them use their glasses to read, even though they both need them. > "Think you could write any smaller?" he asks > "I'll try," says Cancerman > He looks at Scully's. > "Nice handwriting," he says CROW: (glances up hopefully) MIKE: Not a chance Crow. > "Now if you could include pronunciations I'd be set." CROW: (hangs his head in defeat.) > "Read them," says Cancerman getting impatient "Don't pass >judgment on them." MIKE: JUDGMENT DAY!!!#TOM: Come with me if you want to live. > "Fine," says Mulder "Tonsure: a toxic liquid found in >shampoos that reduces the melian count in hair causing it to >grey prematurely. Tonsure: The interchanging of matter into >energy for the sake of transportation, has been known to cause >a form of schizophrenia. TOM: (sarcasticly) I wonder which one Scully's was. >Tonsure: The act of cutting the hair or shaving the head." > "3" says Scully ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! > Mulder looks uncomfortable for a moment. MIKE: As well he should. TOM: I would if somebody mentioned that episode. MIKE: Did you? TOM: As much as I could, Mike. As much as I could. > "Number three," says Cancerman. > Mulder looks relieved. > "You both move one." he says. > Scully rolls the dice. ALL: (singing) It rolled to the gaarrrdeeenn and under a bush. And then my poor... > "3" ALL: AHHHHH! > she says glancing at Mulder... CROW: She suspects! >...who looks at his pencil with acute interest MIKE: (as Mulder) By golly! There's a little 2 on here! > "Hesternal. H-e-s-t-e-r-n-a-l." > "Hesternal: the nodules found on the Grey's skin. Hesternal: >Pertaining to yesterday. Hesternal: the dye used in clothing >departments which causes skin irritation and wash coloring." > "Number three," says Cancerman. > "Umm, yeah I think I'll take number three too." says Mulder. > "You move two," says Scully to Cancerman "and I move >three." > Mulder looks confused for a moment, TOM: Like *that's* a first! >but decides to shrug it off. MIKE: (as Mulder) Get off! >Cancerman rolls the dice. > "Acicula," he glances at the agents. Mulder is staring very >hard at his piece which is still at the start... MIKE: He's willing it to move. >...while Scully is doing her best not to laugh. CROW: But her "best" wasn't good enough. > "A-c-i-c-u-l-a." > Papers are turned in and Cancerman reads: > "Acicula: A prickle on a plant or animal. Acicula: Sentient >trees found in Europe. Extinct due to extensive logging. Acicula: >Flora which has evolved to fit it's environment." > "Two," says Scully out of pity. > "One," says Mulder TOM: Oh I hope we don't have a ref. to that song! CROW: I know! I couldn't get it out of my head for days after seeing the movie. MIKE: What are you talking about? BOTS: (stare at him) MIKE: Ooohhh. You mean: (starts to sing) One is the loneliest number that... BOTS: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! TOM: Kill him! (they attack, lotsa flailing about on the floor.) > "Mulder moves two," says Cancerman MIKE: (getting up slowly and painfully) Yeah, but I won't ever comfortably again. > Mulder grins triumphantly as he moves his piece to the spot >behind Cancerman's. TOM: You'd think that someone who finds government conspiracy to everything would catch-on to someone pitying him. > Scully rolls the dice and proceeds to read the next card. > "Burin, B-u-r... MIKE: Bee-you-are...what? >...-i-n." she reads. MIKE: Bee you are in..? What is the bee in?! TOM: (shakes his head) You're making too much of it Mike. > "Burin: A pointed tool used for engraving. Burin: Burn >marks found at most abduction sites. Burin: Pointed tool used >in engraving." > "Number three," says Cancerman > "Number one," says Mulder. > "Mulder moves one," says Scully "You, two." MIKE: Did someone just join the game? Who's U? CROW: Come on Mike, give it up. > Cancerman moves his piece and when they aren't looking, >moves it another two spaces. CROW: Of coouuurse. >He takes his turn. > "Murrnong: Heart condition found in Equus caballus. ALL: Equus what?!!! > Cause: unknown. Murrnong: A vegetable similar to a yam. >Murrnong: Yarn binding in a book." > "One," said Mulder after thinking for a moment. > "3" said Scully after a minute of consideration. ALL: AH!!!! (recovering from heart failure) STOP *DOING* THAT!!!! > "You each move one," says Cancerman then proceeded to >move himself three spaces passing up Scullys piece which was >about half way around the board. > "Feek:" said Mulder "To wander around aimlessly. Feek: The >dust caused by pencil sharpeners. Produces choking smoke >when lit. Feek: Rapid loss of motor functions brought on by low >tolerance." BOTS: Huh? MIKE: I think it has something to do with alchohol. > "Two," says Scully > "One," says Cancerman. > "Cancerman moves two," says Mulder. > Scully goes. CROW: Where? > "Grignet: Slang for the police of the World Wide Web. >Grignet: A small bird of the partridge family. ALL: (singing) And a partridge in a... > Grignet: Rackets made out of Spotted Leopard." TOM: Well, at least someone will *spot* it if you lose it...you see...'cause....you know... MIKE: Forget it. > "Two," says Cancerman. > "Number three," says Mulder. TOM: AH! MIKE: Relax, it's *number* three. > "Two spaces for Cancerman," says Scully > Cancerman extinguishes his cigarette on Mulder's desk... CROW: *That's* gonna leave a mark! >and picks up the next card. > "Seckel: A pear tree named after Mr. Seckel. MIKE: How original. > Seckel: The process by which a larva inbeds itself. Seckel: A >Top Secret project who's objective is to find out why T.V. is >such a powerful influence." > "Two," says Mulder. > "3" says Scully TOM: Mike? MIKE: Yeah? TOM: Do me a favor. If they every mention that EPISODE again, open the airlock so I can throw myself out!!! CROW: No way Servo, you have to suffer with the rest of us. TOM: Man! > "You each move one," says Cancerman then moves his >piece three spaces. TOM: NOOOO! STOP SAYING THAT!!! > He needs only one more to win. After a glance at the board >Mulder rolls the dice and takes his turn. > "Nubilate: The process of trimming goat hooves. Nubilate: >The nullification of a recall order. Nubilate: To cloud the issue." > "Three," says Scully TOM: (haltingly) Please...stop....I...can't..(starts to whimper) > "Three," says Cancerman effectively ending the game. CROW: Is it me? Or does someone have an obsession with the number three? TOM: AAAAHHHHH! (starts sobbing) I can't take it anymore! Please, somebody...open the airlock! MIKE: Come on Tom. You can do it! It's almost over! CROW: Yeah, 3's not a bad number. That's how many of us there are! TOM: (perking up) Your right! (starts to hic-up) Hic! > "Well?" asks Mulder. MIKE: A deep subject. > "You have... TOM: Hic! >...lost," said Cancerman "I am not required to tell you anything." CROW: Suddenly he's Data. MIKE: I'm confused again. > Scully looks at the clock and realizes it's after midnight. TOM: By...hic.. five sec...hic..onds. > "Come on Mulder," she says "It's late." MIKE: (as anouncer) It's midnight...and do you know where your agents are? > "You know," says Mulder getting up "I don't think it's legal >for you to... TOM: Hic! >...choose your own answer." > "Isn't it a bit late to... TOM: Hic!! I..hic...can't..hic..stop! > ...be thinking about that?" says Cancerman putting the game >away. > Mulder starts to say something, but... TOM: Hic!! MIKE: Tom? Duane Barry, Ascension, 3... TOM: AH! ...Hey! My hic-uping stopped. Thanks!!! >...stops. CROW: YES!!! >He grabs his coat and follows Scully out of the office. Once they >are gone Cancerman picks up his "phoney" answers and burns >them. TOM: Wouldn't that set off the fire alarm? MIKE: (whispering) Forget it! We're almost done. > He had known this game would come out. The man had seen >too much to keep quiet, but he had been smart. Instead of >putting the *real* answers down, he put down false ones. Only >Cancerman and a few fellow conspirators knew the truth. He >chuckled quietly when he thought about it. CROW: Nothing he ever does is loud. What was the point of saying that? > If Mulder only knew, some of the answers had been right in >front of his face. MIKE: It wouldn't be a first. > He lit a cigarette and left. > "You know," said Scully as they walked to their cars "That >was kind of fun." TOM: Scully?! Showing emotion?! Stop the presses!!! > "I suppose so," said Mulder, then he stopped and turned >towards her. "Where on *earth* did you get that Tonsure idea?" > Scully stopped, looked at him and said seriously "Who says >I got it on earth?" > Mulder stared at her for a second, started to say something, >stopped, CROW: I'm almost begining to *like* the way Happy writes. MIKE: Crow, you scare me. >blinked his eyes a few times and generally looked shocked. > "You...mean...you..." he let it hang... TOM: ...itself. MIKE: A suicidal sentence? CROW: That's what your english teacher called it Mike. MIKE: Hey! > Scully couldn't hold it any longer and busted... MIKE: ..it wasn't a pretty sight. TOM: Now who's getting dark? >out laughing. Mulder looked slightly sheepish. CROW: It was a b-a-a-a-d joke. TOM: Speaking of which... > "I had you," said Scully between chuckles "I had you big >time." > "Nah," said Mulder smirking "I just wanted to see how long >you could maintain your Vulcan-like exterior." TOM: Well, she couldn't keep the ears much past Halloween, but... > "Sure," said Scully still laughing "Whatever you say Mulder." CROW: Are we done? MIKE: Not yet. >THE END CROW: Yes! > Apoun... CROW: NO! >...closer inspection (not at 1:00am.) I realised that I made >Mulder out to be an idiot. TOM: Ah, she's not far off. >My appoligies if this has offended you in any way. MIKE: Well, not *that* no... it's just... >FYI: TOM: YIF!#CROW: IFY!#MIKE: YFI! > Scully's tonsure idea was; "beaming" (as in "Trek") and the >occasional personality split that it causes. >Equus caballus is the modern horse, melian (sp?) is the stuff >that causes skin and hair coloring, and the deffinition of Feek #3 TOM: It's almost over I can make it...It's almost over I can make it... >is: Drunkenness. MIKE: Is that even a word? >Hope you enjoyed the story!!! TOM: Hope is all we can do! MIKE: Come on. Let's go. All the attic stuff is still there. CROW: Did you guys notice? She told us what everything but "schizophrenic" means. MIKE: Actually, she did. But I think "Philes" are supposed to know that already. TOM: Yeah, they *suffer* from it! MIKE: Good one Tom! Now all the Philes are going to come after us with pitchforks and shovels! TOM: Well, that's nothing new. I mean, they've always been revolting... CROW: You cheater! You got that line from "Dragonheart"! TOM: So? MIKE: Tom, you can't defame a group of fans just to re-use a pun. TOM: I can't? Well, live and learn! PEARL: Are you done yet? Everybody looks at everybody else. MIKE: Yeah, we're done. PEARL: Just be glad they're short! Until next time!!! CROW: You know. She's right. The last couple have been shorter than most. TOM: (hesitantly) I suppose so. MIKE: We could always read "Time Zones" again. In case we've forgotten. BOTS: NO!!!! All sit in silence a moment. CROW: Oops! I forgot something in the theater! (climbs over pile of stuff then falls flat on his back.) Ouch! Hey! My marbles!!! END