Mike, Tom and Crow are all standing behind the counter. Mike is dressed up as Fox Mulder (in trench coat, sunglasses, and squirt gun.) , Tom is dressed up as Han Solo (complete with a brown hair piece), and Crow is dressed up as Geordi Laforge and has a headband across his eyes. MIKE: Welcome to the Satilite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and these are the robots Tom and Crow. Today we're having a dress as your favorite sci-fi character day. Tom, why don't you go first. TOM: Well, as you can see Mike. I have dressed up as Han Solo from the hit movie of Star Wars. (his brown hair piece appears to be backwards.) Han Solo was the smuggler who was responsible for that whole victory against the Death Star thing. MIKE: Uhh, okay...How'd you come up with that? TOM: Han was the one who shot down Darth Vader right before he was going to shoot Luke in the trench. He was also the guy that was hired by Ben to take them to Alderaan. If he hadn't been there they wouldn't have even gotten to the Death Star or, for that matter, rescued Leia. MIKE: Good point Tom. Crow? CROW: I'm dressed up as Geordi Laforge from the hit series Star Trek. Which, without him, wouldn't exsist. MIKE: Ummm. I'm not so sure about that... CROW: Think about it Mike. Where would the Enterprise be without the engineer? No where! They wouldn't have even been able to have left spacedock! TOM: Who'd you dress up as Mike? MIKE: I dressed up as Fox Mulder from the hit TV show The X-Files. CROW (laughing) You mean that guy that's always getting beat up and losing his gun? TOM: Yeah Mike. Anyone who comes near that guy is either abducted or killed. You'd have a better chance of surviving if you were a stormtrooper. CROW: Or a red-shirt. MIKE: Hold it guys. Emperor Palpitine and Darth Vader are calling. BOTS (beging to hum the "Imperial March") PEARL: Well this is convienent. MIKE: Ummm, what happened to Dr. F?(backround: BOTS start making gagging noises before falling out of sight behind the counter.) PEARL: He's taken ill. He wanted me to send this as a "get-well" fanfic. Your experiment today is from a writer who goes by the name of "Happy", but believe me that's is a misnomer if you ever heard one. It's a crossover, with the X-Files. BOTS: pop back up and stare in shock. TOM: (nervously) Crossover? CROW: (with trepidation) With the X-Files? MIKE: (swallows) Get-well? What do you mean? PEARL: He figures it will be *so* bad that you will *want* him to get well inorder to go back to normal. Of course, you should be so lucky as to get *a* crossover. Because this one crosses The X-Files, Star Wars, aaand Star Trek! ALL: NOOOO! TOM: ANYTHING BUT THAT!! ANYTHING!!! PEARL: (perks up) Anything? Really? Hold on a second! Let me see if I can find "Barney the Movie", I know I got it around here somewhere. (she bends down and starts rumaging) CROW: AAHHHHH! (faints) OTHER TWO: (shakily) Uhhh, no that's okay. We'll be good. # PEARL: Darn...well, enjoy! MIKE: Hey Crow. You okay? CROW: Mike, I can see you! (gets up, re-adjusts his "visor" which had been knocked and was no longer covering his eyes.) That's better. TOM: (his brown hair piece is now facing the right way.) Sorry everybody, I didn't think she'd pull "Barney"....of all the... (lights flash.) MIKE: (drawing his squirt gun.) It'll have to wait Tom, 'cause... ALL: WE'VE GOT BAD CROSSOVER SIIIGGGNNNN!!!! (Crow runs "blindly" into a wall, Mike trips and loses his squirt gun, and Tom looks around, confused.) (Doorway sequence of your choosing.) > Disclaimer: Okay, okay. I'll admit it. These characters are not >mine. CROW: (sarcasticly) Noooo, really? >They belong to George Lucas, Paramount Studios and Chris >Carter and I promise to return them as soon as I'm done. Welllll, >maybe not right away, but eventually I will. TOM: (slowly) She's...going to make... *more*. MIKE: We're doomed. >Rating: PG mild violence. Nothing you wouldn't see on any of >the shows. (no relationships in general. CROW: Dang! > Sorry. Remember, if you are reading this, then you probably >have a computer. Write your own! It's amazing what spell and >grammar check can do!;-)} TOM: Yes, even if you don't have anything resembling a plot or believable characterizations, at least it will have correct grammar and spelling. >Description: Take the character's from these shows and shove >them all together on 20th century earth. You get the idea. MIKE: No I don't. >Spoilers: None that I know of, I only mention first contact, but >don't say how. Star Wars: 1 year or so after Endor, but before >Courtship. CROW: Courtship? What the...? TOM: It was one of those books that supposedly takes place after the movies. CROW: But "Courtship?" TOM: You don't want to know. Star Trek: Season before the "Generations" movie, >but I threw Wesley in for fun. ALL: (Scream in shock.) CROW: Is it possible? TOM: For someone to become so twisted... MIKE: As to throw Wesley in for "fun"?! > X-files: Hmmm, well to tell you the truth....(laugh "Well that was >ironic.") TOM: (deadpan) Ha, ha. >I don't know, I have only recently become a "phile". I've seen >the movie three times and watched about 5 episodes from all >different seasons. So if I screw up on continuallity MIKE: This could be trouble. >(is that a real word?) or make the character say something that >they normally wouldn't say...PLEEAASSEE don't kill me, >ohpleaseohpleaseohplease. CROW: Happy really ought to lay off the soda. TOM: You know, most authors aren't worried about characterizations this much...(hopefully) could it be? A light at the end of the tunnel?! MIKE: It's probably a train. >The Shows: I really don't think I need to write this, ALL: (shouting) THEN DON'T!! >but the painful fact TOM: That's an understatement. > is that some people have never heard of these great shows. >Star Wars: Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia Organa (his sister), >smuggler Han Solo (their friend), Chewbacca (Solo's best friend >and copilot) Wedge Antillies (famous Rouge Squadron leader, >survivor of the two Death Star Missions, Luke's good friend) CROW: I thought that was supposed to be Biggs. TOM: He's dead, remember? CROW: Oh yeah. >and the droids See-Threepio and Artoo-Deeto(C-3P0 & R2D2) >battle the evil Galactic Empire with a ragtag army and a >mysterious thing called the "force". TOM: Equals mass x acceleration. > Star Trek: Picard and crew (sorry, but I really don't want to >write another long list of names.) MIKE: Thank you. >go off to "explore strange new worlds..seeking out new life, and >new civilizations...BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO ONE HAS GONE >BEFORE!" CROW: At least they aren't looking for "intelligent" life. TOM: Well, they would have had to have seen some before in order to know what to look for. and last but certainly not least The X-Files: Fox >Mulder and Dana Scully are two FBI agents who are sent out to >study paranormal experiences and UFO's while the "secret" >government tries to keep the truth from being known. MIKE: Shouldn't that be "Truth"? >Whewww! That about does it. Enjoy the story. CROW: After all *that* I think I actually *want* to get to the story part! TOM: Crow, you're scaring me. >(oh yeah, one more thing: CROW: AH! Don't *do* that! >do not sue me, I am making no $$. Feel free to distribute as >long as nothing is changed. Send all e-mail bombs, threats, >letters, MIKE: Threatening letters. promises for a book deal. ALL: (good deal of coughing and "yeah rights") >To: issaquah@mailexcite.com That's it, Thanks!!) >Time Zones >by: Happy TOM: It takes a sick, sick person to write something like this and be "Happy". > "We're in trouble!" said Han MIKE: So are we. What's your point? >as yet another explosion rocked the ship. > Chewbacca growled something Leia could only interpret as >agreement. CROW: But seeing as she doesn't know his language she couldn't interpret very well. She felt a hand tap her on the shoulder. It was See->Threepio the droid. > "Mistress Leia, I'm sorry, but this cannot wait another >minute." TOM: It can, however, wait another 59.9 seconds. > "What?" she asked. > He motioned her to look at the navigational screen on the >side of her. Between the different blips that represented the >Imperials and the four rebellion ships she saw a colorful spot >that seemed to pulse with slow even rhythms. TOM: Pulse? CROW: I don't think Happy pays much attention in Science class. > "What is that?!" she asked. > "I believe it is some sort of tear in the fabric of space, " CROW: Too bad it's not a plot. MIKE: Come on Crow, we've only gotten through 7 paragraphs, and half of them have been spoken. >3-PO began then struggled to retain his balance as another >explosion sent the ship reeling. > "What is?" called Han over his shoulder to her. > "This," said 3-P O motioning again to the screen. > Han risked a quick glance over his shoulder TOM: (as Han) Darn! The Empire's taken over Western America. MIKE: What? TOM: Risk, Mike, as in the game. > to the screen. Chewie growled something and Han turned >back. CROW: (as Han) What do you mean I just missed a touchdown? Aw man! I look away for *one* second and... Flipping a few controls he opened a channel to the ship . >on his right. > "Lando, old buddy," he said " Do you see it?" > "I see it, but I don't believe it." came the reply. MIKE: (as Lando) A lawyer who cares! TOM: I wouldn't believe it either. > "Am I missing something?" asked Leia. CROW: A brain maybe? MIKE: Crow! Be nice. CROW: Sorry Mike, but I've gotta make up for the relationships somehow. > "That wormhole could be our ticket out of here, sweetheart." CROW: "Sweetheart"?! YES!!! MIKE: Umm, Crow? I think that part has to do with a little thing called: "in character" CROW: Darn! > said Han "It's a kind of natural short cut. Once entered it can >take you lightyears from your starting point. But the reason >they aren't recommended for holiday travel is that they are very >unstable." MIKE: Oh! Kinda like the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. > "Great," said Leia adjusting her short sleeve maroon dress >with white vest "but I'm guessing we don't have much of a >choice." TOM: They never do. > "Not unless you want to try getting through a mess of >fighters, three star destroyers, and a Interdictor Cruiser." > "The Cruiser won't affect us ?" she asked disbelievingly. MIKE: She and Scully are going to get along great. > The Cruiser had been the whole reason they were in this mess >in the first place. It had pulled them out of hyperspace on their >way to Enchonis 3 TOM: How exactly do you pronounce that? > with it's gravity well, and was now the reason they couldn't >escape. When they got back they would have to find out who >leaked the information of their route to the Imperials. CROW: That was a pointless bit of backround information. TOM: Bit?! > "Shouldn't" said Han "Actually I've never gone through one." MIKE: Then how would he know? > Han flipped another switch and got Luke and Wedge on >also. They were flying escort in X-wings along side and so far >had been able to keep up despite the constant dogfighting. CROW: (as a dog) Grrrrr, grrrrr!!! > "Luke, Wedge you guys there?" he said into the mike. MIKE: HEY! CROW: Boy, Mike. I thought you knew better than to appear in a fanfic! MIKE: (confused) I didn't... TOM: I think it was short for microphone. MIKE&CROW: Oh. > "Yes." came Luke's voice TOM: Only his voice was there I guess. > "Right here." said Wedge. > "I think I found us a way out, I'll be transferring the >coordinates in a few seconds." he leaned over to the navigation >counsel where Leia was sitting. MIKE: Okayyy, so what's the seat behind Chewbacca for? > "You mean the wormhole over there." said Luke not wanting >to give the coordinates over the radio for possible Imperials to >listen in on. Although it was big enough that he doubted they >had missed it. CROW: Knowing the Imps, I'd say "missed". > "Yeah," said Han sounding kind of surprised. > "I see it," came Wedge again "Shall we ditch this party?" > "Sounds good to me," said Lando. MIKE: (as Lando) Yeah, let's stick 'em with the check! > The four Rebel ships zoomed off with a hoard of tie fighters TOM: Shouldn't that be T.I.E.? MIKE: I think people got tired of writing it that way. >in pursuit. Apparently they hadn't gotten off any bombers or >interceptors, but nobody wanted to stick around to find out how >long it would take them. TOM: 12 minutes and 2.34626 seconds. > On board the Cruiser Punisher Admiral Jarton studied the >rebel's course. His fleet had been one of the few that hadn't >fought at Endor. CROW: He believes real men don't need maps. MIKE: Huh? CROW: You know men and directions, or asking of them don't mix. MIKE: Yeah I...Heyyyy. TOM: Boy Mike. That one took you a while. > He had, however, followed the battle very closely. When he'd >heard of the defeat he had vowed vengeance. He had kept track >of the Rebellion since then, planning the perfect strike. MIKE: A change-up riseball should do it. > The opportunity had come when his spy in the Rebellion had >told him about the mission to Enchonis 3. It was pay back time. CROW: I wonder how much interst was charged. TOM: More pointless backround information... > "Call back our fighters Ensign, and lay in a pursuit course." >he said > "Sir, the gravity well projectors might cause the hole to TOM: ...fill in? >destabilize and collapse CROW: A hole *collapsing*?! if we try to go through. I recommend we >disengage them." said the officer a little nervously, one did not >get promoted by disagreeing with a higher ranking officer. MIKE: Of course. TOM: Naturally. CROW: Duh. > "You may disengage them once the rebels have gone >through" he said "I do not want them hypering out at the last >minute." CROW: But if they go through it they escape anyway...what gives?! > "Yes sir." said the officer. > "Oh, and Ensign." > "Yes sir?" CROW: (as Jarton) Pull my finger. > "Open a channel to the rest of the fleet." said Jarton > "Aye, sir." MIKE: (as Jarton) An eye? Where? > "Imperial fleet, this is Admiral Jarton. The rebels are >attempting to escape through the wormhole. Call back all >fighters and lay in a pursuit course." > Jarton settled back into his chair TOM: Ahhh, the comfy captain's chair. >to contemplate as the fighters began to circle back. For all he >knew he had the only surviving ships of the once great Imperial >fleet. CROW: He must mean numerically. > He had found what was left of the fleet when he had rushed to >Endor, worried that the death of the Emperor would throw the >fleet into TOM: A swinging party! disarray. He had learned of his death by listening in >on the radio MIKE: (as D.J.) You're listening to DARK 556am, for all the latest news and developments in the Empire. > transmissions. However he had lost them shortly after >receiving the message. He didn't find out why until he got there. >He had gone back to restore order, and take charge of the >rounding up of prisoners. Finding the rebel fleet there had been >quite a shock. TOM: Ouch. CROW: So basically he's out for revenge and just happened to be in the right place at the right time? MIKE: Pretty much. CROW: She coulda' just said that! > He shot up some of their fighters in anger and had hypered >right back out again. At that point he noticed that the three star >destroyers had turned about and were now facing him instead >of flanking him. MIKE: Wait a second. After he had hypered out? CROW: I'm confused. > "What the..." he muttered to himself. TOM: Oh, the Star Destroyers are doing that *now*. MIKE & CROW: (in realization) Ahhhhh. > As the rebel ships flew into the wormhole there was a quick >exceleration that slammed everybody into their seats and 3-P O >(who was still standing next to Leia) flying backwards into the >corridor. CROW: (as 3-PO) Ahhhh! TOM: That was *too* real. MIKE & TOM: (shift away from Crow) >The crew of the Falcon watched in amazement as the colors and >pure energy exploded in front of the windows. TOM: As oposed to contaminated energy? MIKE: I guess so. > "Follow me everybody" said Han taking the Falcon into the >lead. > "Umm, General?" CROW: (as Wedge) Which ship are you in again? >came Wedge "If you don't mind, we were ordered to escort you. >It wouldn't do for the Alliance to let you risk yourself like this." MIKE: Wedge has Risk anxiety. BOTS: Wha...? MIKE: Never mind. > "Sorry Wedge, " said Han "but I'm countermanding that >order." > Han swung.. CROW: I really don't think that *now* is the time to be playing baseball. TOM: I don't think he'd be able to hit that change-up rise ball Jarton threw anyway. >the Falcon in a tight right hand turn to avoid an energy blast. TOM: (as energy) Blast! I missed 'em. > This sent Threepio (who had finally managed to make his way >back into the cockpit) right into Leia's lap. MIKE: (looks at Crow) CROW: (shakes his head) >She managed to get him back up after only a bit of trouble. > "May I suggest you find a seat 3-P O," she said a little >annoyed "One that's not in use." > "I heartily agree Mistress Leia." he said taking the seat >behind Chewbacca. TOM: (as Leia) Not there! My purse needs to go there! > Before anyone could say anything else a whole volley of >energy blasts ripped through the wormhole. There were so >many in the small tunnel that it was a scientific impossibility to >avoid them with the bulky ships. TOM: I guess that "scientific impossibility" part was so Luke couldn't do anything. > Everyone was surrounded in a bright, white light and then it all >went black. CROW: It's over!!! Alright!!! MIKE: Not even close Crow. CROW: Man.... > Everything was quiet on the Enterprise. TOM: Yeah, a little *too* quiet. > The crew had just >gotten done with a tough diplomatic assignment in the Melkar CROW: I really wish these names were spelled phonetically. MIKE: The names in Star Wars are. >system and starfleet had granted them much needed >shoreleave. They were headed to Risa, ALL: Whoo, hoo! >but it would still be a few days before they got there. Captain >Jean-Luc Picard sat in his ready room reading an archeological >text. Suddenly there was a bright flash and Q appeared ALL: Noooooo! Not Q!!!! > sitting on his desk. He was fiddling with a long cylinder shaped >object and muttering to himself. MIKE: Yep, I think Q's finally lost it. Muttering to himself and all. CROW: What do you mean "finally"? > "Q!" said Picard rising out of his chair. TOM: That's his name, don't wear it out. > Q looked up. His annoyed expression being replaced by >that smirk Picard knew all too well. ALL: (shudder violently) Ooohhhh. > "Greetings Mon Capitan," he said brightly "I was just >passing by and thought I'd check up on all of you little devoted >people." TOM: (shudders violently again) MIKE: Careful Tom, we don't want your head exploding. > "Why are you here?" asked Picard through clenched teeth. > Q's smirk faded slightly. CROW: Somebody turned down the power. MIKE: Either that or they forgot wash it in that "Brightening" laundry detergent. > "Oh, your little history has been botched up again," he said >flippantly "The Continuum wanted me to change it back, but I >said..." here he paused to let his words sink... TOM: ...the Enterprise. MIKE: Wrong type of ship. >...in "It's your history. You should change it. CROW: I'm not changing it! MIKE: Don't look at me! TOM: Well, *I'm* not going to do it! > I'll just give you the means." > Picard looked confused. MIKE: (as Picard) Uhhh, can you repeat the question? > "What are you talking about Q?" he asked > Q gave Picard an exasperated look. CROW: (as Q) Remember, this look is all you're getting for Christmas. TOM: Think they'll will give us Christmas off? MIKE: Maybe. After all, it only comes once a year. PEARL: (off stage) Humbug! > "Oh please," he said "You are such narrow minded little >people. Here, I'll spell it out for you: CROW: H-I-S-T... History has been altered >by a freak accident. I am sending you and your crew back to >change it." TOM: And after you change it, you can read it a story and put it to bed. > Picard still did not understand. History had not changed. >Well, it must have. Q could be a pain, but he wasn't an out and >out liar. CROW: He was an in and in liar. > Changing the subject he pointed to the object in Q's hand. MIKE: Starfleet diplomacy 101: Changing the subject when you have no idea what's just been said. > "What's that?" he asked. > "This, my dear captain," said Q "is a lightsaber. I borrowed >it from one of the people who helped screw up your history." he >turned it on with a snap-hiss and a emerald green blade sprang TOM: (quickly) Backward killing him instantly... MIKE: That was kinda dark. TOM: You *know* you were thinking it. MIKE: True... >forth "It really is an interesting little machine. Primitive, but interesting." he gave it to Picard who turned it off. CROW: (sarcasticlly) Gee, I wonder who it belongs to. > "Well enough of this chit-chat," said Q hopping lightly... MIKE: Well, considering he's always *appearing* in a flash of light... >...off the desk "Are you ready to go save history?" he asked brightly. > Picard knew he was going whether he wanted to or not. > "It doesn't look like I have much of a choice," TOM: Nobody EVER has a choice on these shows! >he said "But you could at least tell me what I'm supposed to do." CROW: (as Q) Stand on your head while saying the alphabet backwards. TOM: (Standing on his head.) The alphabet backwards! MIKE: D'oh! > "I could," said Q and disappeared in a flash of light. TOM: His electric bill must be something else! CROW: A duck bill? MIKE: Besides he can always *create* money. TOM: They use latinum as their currency. MIKE & CROW: Fanbot! > Immediately the ship was rocked and Picard had to grab >onto his desk for support. CROW: True air support must come from HERE! (he wacks Mike's stomach.) MIKE: (kneels forward gasping in pain) CROW: Oops, sorry about that Mike. > On the bridge Riker gripped the sides of his chair as the >ship rocked back and forth. BOTS: (lean one way, then the other.) MIKE: (straightens back up and rubs his sore stomach.) Oww.. > "Mr. Data," he yelled "Report!" TOM: (as Data) But I'm not ready! Can't I give it tomorrow and get a late grade? > "It would appear sir," said Data as the disturbances subsided... CROW: (as Data) That one of us has been eating Mexican. MIKE: (quickly) Wasn't me! BOTS: (turn to stare at Mike.) >...and stopped "That an unknown force has just knocked us off >course." > "So where are we?" asked Wesley. CROW: (sarcasticly) I'm having fun. Aren't you? TOM: (same) Oh, just tons! > "Actually," said Picard stepping onto the bridge "I think the >correct question is; *when* are we." ALL: (mutted trumpet) Wah, wah, wah, waaahhhh. > "Sir?" asked Riker. > "I was just talking with Q" said Picard "He mentioned changing history." > "How?" asked Riker again. > "Oh, you know Q" said Picard "he didn't tell me anything." CROW: Ah, that wacky Q! > "Sir," said Data "According to the sensors we are near Jupiter. Judging by the radio waves from earth I'd say we are in the early 1990's" > "The 1990's" mussed Picard "The decade of first contact." MIKE: WHAT?! Hey, I saw the movie, and let me tell you.... CROW: (hurt) You saw the movie? TOM: (also hurt) Without us? (both start sniffiling) MIKE: Oh. I'm sorry. TOM: Meanie. > "Maybe Guinean would know," said Deanna thoughtfully. ALL: (laugh and nearly fall off their chairs.) CROW: Thoughtfully?! Has Happy ever *seen* Star Trek? TOM: Yeah, "thought" and "Deanna" don't go in the same sentence. > MIKE: (as Picard) "What a... >"Good idea... MIKE: (same) I just had!" >...counselor," said Picard getting up. Just then there was a beep. > "Bridge?" came a disembodied voice TOM: Another voice? > "This is Guinean. Captain, may I have a word with you?" > "Yes, Guinean," said Picard MIKE: (as Picard) Any particular word you want? I've heard the "have's" are very good this time of year. BOTS: Groan. > " I was just on my way to see you." He strode onto the trubolift. CROW: Why can't he walk like everyone else? MIKE: One of the perks of being Captain, I guess. > Reaching Ten-forward he walked to the bar and sat down. >Guinean walked over. MIKE: (as Guinean) What can I getcha' Cap'tin? > "Something's not right," she said. > "Well Q just sent us back to the 20th century," he said. ALL: Groan. > "No," said Guinean "With your history. First Contact, it's too soon. Those strangers shouldn't be there." > "I wonder what the "freak accident" was," said Picard ALL: Nope! Waaayy too easy. > "You have to keep those people from being seen by too >many civilians," she continued "As long as they can't prove it, >you'll be fine." MIKE: Your mission, should you choose to accept it... TOM: They don't have choices. Remember? > "Thank you Guinean," said Picard standing up "At least I >know what I'm supposed to do now." He headed back to the >bridge. Later he called a staff meeting and told the senior officers what he had learned. CROW: It didn't take long. MIKE: Then they planned the "senior prank". > "Mr. Laforge," Picard said "We are going to need some sort >of cloaking device so we can get within transporter range." > "Aye, sir,"... CROW: (as Picard) You can have it Mr. Laforge. *My* eyes work just fine. >...said Geordi "I'll see what I can do." MIKE: I think there was a pun in there somewhere. > "According to history," said Riker "The intruders were >spotted in the Western half of Montana. MIKE: Hey! In the movie.... BOTS: NO!!! DON'T!!! WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET!!!!! MIKE: Sorry. > Mr. Data I want you to start a sensor sweep, look for anything >suspicious." > Data nods. TOM: (as Picard) Bloody knives, well-dressed men talking in dark alleys. You know, suspicious stuff. > "Alright then," said Picard "You are all dismissed." MIKE: (as Drill Sargent) DISSSSMISSED!! CROW: (as Picard) Except for Riker. He has detention. > The group came out of hyperspace next to a small blue and >green planet. Luke awoke first. Blinking his eyes a few times he reached out to find his sister's presence. There she was, >unconscious, but uninjured. He nudged her awake. > Inside the Falcon Han groggily sat up, TOM: Whoa! That is *not* Leia! > immediately he looked behind him at where Leia was sitting. She was tilted precariously forward with her forehead on the >back of his head rest. She seemed to be coming around. CROW: ...the mountain. > He glanced at Chewie, he was slumped over the controls in >much the same way Han had been. MIKE: ...when he had taken NyQuil instead of DayQuill. > Realizing it was awfully quiet CROW: The quiet was just awful. > he looked back to 3-PO, he was deactivated. Turning around he >opened communications between the ships only to find Lando >and Wedge asking if they were all right. TOM: (as Han) Well, I think Chewie's always been more of a lefty. > "Yeah," he said "We're fine. Where's Luke?' > "I'm here," said Luke's voice. TOM: Again with the voice! > At that point a flashing light caught his attention. Han >swore. CROW: It's PG and they just tell you he "swore"?! MIKE: Some people get offended at that type of stuff. TOM: Yeah, but this is from shows that kill off people right and left. MIKE: The ratings haven't dropped have they? BOTS: How would *we* know?! We've been stuck up here! MIKE: I *know*. TOM: That's rather surreal. > "Guys, I have a problem," he said CROW: Houston, we have a problem. >noting that Chewie and Leia had finally come to. > "What's wrong?" asked Lando > "I'm losing life support," said Han flipping some switches CROW: Hey!! Watch it buddy! MIKE: Wait a minute... CROW: Hee, hee, hee. > "The energy blast must've shorted it." > Chewie growled out a question. MIKE: (as Han) No, you can't sing! Save it for the Holiday Special. TOM: Mike? MIKE: Yeah? TOM: Don't ever mention that movie again. > "I don't care where you land," said Han "But if we aren't on >that planet in 15 seconds we're all going to be holding our >breaths." > "Great Chewie," said Han surveying the landing site. They >were in the middle of nowhere. Mountains rose up around them >and in front, towards the horizon a long flat plain began. "Just >great." MIKE: Sure, it's *never* your fault is it?! TOM: Yeah! You just blame the Wookiee. CROW: Just 'cause he doesn't know where they are, doesn't make it nowhere! > Leia came out of the ship behind them, took a look... CROW: She really should've asked first. >...and groaned. > "I hope the life support doesn't need any new parts," she >said at last. > "Yeah," said Han "Me too." > Date: October 13, 1996 CROW: Hey! If you put that numerically it's 1013!! TOM: (paranoid) Government coverup? Or something much worse? MIKE: (paranoid) "They" know. > Time: 5:38pm. CROW: You know, I half expected 11:21am. > It had to be the most boring day yet. Mulder sat at his desk >eating sunflower seeds and playing solitaire while Scully flipped TOM: (sadly) She did? I thought Mulder might one of these days, but...(sniff).... never Scully... (breaks down sobbing) >through some files. TOM: Oh. My mistake. > The only thing that had happened that day was a wrong >number. From the sounds at the other end Mulder had guessed >that a little kid had gotten caught playing with the phone for the >eight hundredth time. MIKE: (as kid) 798, 799, 800! Wow, mom's holding up better than I thought! > Maybe he would go home early today. The thought cheered... ALL: ...GO MULDER GO! GO MULDER GO! TOM: That was too easy! >him. Just then the phone rang. Scully answered it. There >were a few yes's and ok's ALL: (make general phone noises; uh, huh's, okays, mmm's and the like.) TOM: Yes, Mr. President. > and she wrote a few things down on a piece of paper, then she >hung up. > "We have an assignment," she said. MIKE: (as Scully) It's pages 64-67, problems 1-39 and it's due on Monday. > "So much for going home early," he said as he beat the >game. CROW: With a club. TOM: At least he didn't *fix* the game. > "There was a strange blip on the radar this morning," she >said "It landed somewhere in Western Montana according to a TOM: Wait, wait...the blip or the radar? >local resident. Here are the coordinates." she handed him the >paper. TOM: A local resident has radar? > "Great," said Mulder glancing at it "a meteor hunt." > "It wasn't a meteor," said Scully "It slowed up considerably >during it's decent." CROW: It was a probe droid. MIKE: (as Luke) Echo 3 to Echo 7.... TOM: I would ask you not to do that in a Star Wars crossover, but it would run us really short on riffs. > "It wasn't an airplane making an emergency landing," said >Mulder as he put the cards away. > "No," said Scully looking straight at him and speaking >slowly TOM: (as Bush) Read...my...lips! CROW: I think the author messed up on the names here. It's usually *Mulder* convincing *Scully* what it is. >"Reports show it came from deep space." MIKE: Nine? > Mulder looked up, his cards forgotten. TOM: Those poor cards. Forgotten at a moments notice. > "Did they question the person?" he asked > "No unfortunately," said Scully "The MIB arrived and they >weren't able to." ALL: (singing) Here come the Men In Black... TOM: Someone actually remembered meeting one?! That's an X-File in itself! > With this Mulder grabbed his jacket and headed out the door. Scully followed right behind him. MIKE: Versus wrong behind him? CROW: Or left behind him? TOM: Nah! *He* always leaves behind *her*. > Eight hours later their plane touched down in Butte. They >climbed out of the little two engine and walk >across the street... ALL: Huh? MIKE: I think that should be "walked". >...to the car rental building. Throwing their bags in the trunk of >the Ford Explorer ALL: (singing) Gonna buy me a Ford truck..... >they climbed in and headed off towards the Rockies. MIKE: Go west young man! TOM: In this case it would be "young people." > With her new cloaking device engaged MIKE: (falsetto) Oh, how sweet! CROW: When's the wedding? And would you lookit the size of that rock! TOM: Planet. > the Enterprise came into an orbit around earth. They found to >their surprise three other ships also in orbit. > "Sir," said Data TOM: (as Data) There appear to be 3 other ships in orbit. CROW: (as Picard) Thank you Counselor....I mean...Data. > "Sensors indicate one life form per vessel. They are armed, but >I calculate the total damage of their warheads would not lower MIKE: (as Data) ...our intelligence. It's practically nonexistant as it is. >our shields anymore than 20%. Multiple laser emplacements. > "Open a channel," said Picard > "Captain," said Worf after he tried unsuccessfully "It is not possible to open a channel while we are cloaked." CROW: (as Worf) Moron! They explained that the first day at the Academy! > "Mr. Data," said Picard "lock on a tractor beam and bring >them under our cloak." > "Sir!" said Riker "That would bring them under our shields!" > "And if they attempt to fire," said Picard ignoring his second in command CROW: Ignored him!? This might be better than I thought! > "Beam them aboard." TOM: (as Picard) Never mind the fact that they may be hostile, bent on taking over earth and anybody else along with it. We always have been able to handle that sort of thing. > A tremor... ALL: (over lapping) Look out!! Get on the roof!! Get the elephant guns!!! >...in the force warned Luke of the impending tractor beam >moments before it locked on his ship. CROW: But for the sake of the story he didn't do anything. >He heard Artoo's scream of alarm. Over the comlink he heard >Lando and Wedge shout out in alarm TOM: I'm getting the idea that everyone's alarmed here. >as their ships were dragged towards the unknown source. He >reached out to bring his weapons on-line when he heard a >familiar voice, "Luke, stop." was all the Kenobi voice said. TOM: Sheesh! How many voices are in this thing!? >And he did without thinking. CROW: He was used to that. > Looking out the cockpit window he saw space shimmer and >dissolve to reveal a ship the size of a Star Destroyer. His >sensors read that Lando and Wedge were bringing their >weapons online. CROW: (as Luke) AOL? What were they thinking?! > "Guys, wait a second," said Luke urgently > Surprised replies were his answer. > "Trust me," he said. MIKE: I thought it was "trust no one". TOM: It was changed to "trust everyone". Didn't you know? > "Umm, okay Luke," said Wedge "We trust you, CROW: (as Lando) Like fools. > but what exactly are you planning?" > What indeed, thought Luke. CROW: See what I mean? TOM: Thought and Luke in the same sentence, that feels so wrong. MIKE: Not as wrong as "Deanna" and "thought". TOM: True. > "Try hailing them again Mr. Worf," said Picard MIKE: (as Worf) That would require freezing rain into little balls of ice and pelting them with it. Are you sure that's what you want to do Captain? TOM: (as Picard) Yes, there's a method to my madness. Er...I mean...Never mind, just do it. > "Coming in sir," said Worf "Audio only." > "This is Lando Calrissian on the Lady Luck," said a male voice... TOM: ...in Picard's head. CROW: I bet he hears a lot of voices in his head. >..."Why have you taken my friends and me hostage?" > "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise," >said Picard "We are sorry for the intrusion, Mr. Calrissian, but MIKE: (as Picard) ...we're very bored and frankly, have nothing better to do. we have a very unusual situation here. If you will allow us to >beam you aboard my officers and I will explain it to you." > Lando sat back in his chair. Right, TOM: (as Bill Cosby) Riiight.... > ...he thought, we'll explain it to you if you become our >prisoners. Why on Corellia... MIKE: That was... different. >...had Luke told them to power down?! He thought about it. He >knew Luke and Wedge's skills as well as his own and guessed CROW: (as Kirk) Guess?...That's extraordinary! >they could probably be able to fight their way out if they had to. >But where would that leave Han? MIKE: Stuck on the planet? > If his life support needed new parts it wouldn't be a good idea >to alienate possible hosts. CROW: Yeah, it's a lot easier to get a "host" if they don't suspect you. > He had three choices; stall (of which he couldn't do much >longer), fight (which would leave Han stranded), MIKE: But at least out of this fanfic. >or accept the invitation which would make them all prisoners in >a sense. He chose the logical one. CROW: Phffftttt! I'll bet. > "Enterprise," he said his voice betraying some of his tension >"We accept." CROW: Told ya!! > "We look forward to seeing you," said Picard. > Then he, Riker, and Deanna headed for the turbolift. MIKE: Doesn't anybody *walk* anymore? > Back on the planet Han was tearing into the life support... ALL: (as Vader) Comander tear this ship apart... >...trying to figure out what was wrong with it, while Chewie tried >to get 3-PO working. MIKE: Why would he want to do that? BOTS: Hey! > Leia was on lookout duty. TOM: (as Teeto from Disney's Oliver and Company) Just look outside man...see if it's still daylight. > There was a crash and Leia and Chewie rushed into where Han TOM: ...was buried under a pile of trash. CROW: (as Han) I thought I told you to empty the trash. MIKE: (as Chewie) Sorry, I thought you said to "stash" the trash. CROW: (as Han) No, it was trash the...nevermind. >was. He was holding something the size of a head and glaring >at it. TOM: Alas, poor Yorik... > "The exchanger's busted," he told them "I'll need a new one." > Chewie sighed and leaned against the bulkhead. CROW: ...denting it. > "Isn't there anyway you can fix it?" asked Leia although she >knew the answer. CROW: Then why did she ask? > Han shook his head. Without the air exchanger to turn the >Carbondioxide back into Oxygen they couldn't go anywhere >unless they left a window open. Not a good idea in space. ALL: Yes! DO IT!!! Please!!!!! >Suddenly the proximity alarms went off. Who ever it was they >were about ten klicks away. TOM: Klicks?! MIKE: I think its short for kilometers. TOM: Oh. > Chewie glanced at the sensors and barked at Han. > "Maybe it's a landspeeder," said Han > Chewie growled a "no". ALL: (growl "no".) > "Do you think they could help us?" asked Leia > Chewie shrugged. "I'd like to know what they are doing way the heck out here >first," said Han striding towards the hatch MIKE: I guess he *is* considered a Captain. > "You two stay here." > Chewie and Leia exchanged a look, TOM: (as Chewie) Here Leia, from me to you. MIKE: (as Leia) Awww, thanks Chewie. Here's one from me. CROW: You did that pretty good Mike. MIKE: Thanks I....heyyy wait a minute! >then followed him. When they reached the hatch Han turned >around. TOM: Redlight! > "At least one of you needs to cover the door," he said "In >case they mean business." MIKE: (as salesman) I'm from the Suckudry Vacuum Cleaner company of Walla-Walla, Washington... > After a brief argument it was decided that Chewie would >stay hidden and guard the door. He didn't like it and said so. ALL: So! > "Come on Chewie," said Han "You know you're the better >shot." > "Oh, thanks," said Leia sarcastically > Han gave her a look, CROW: Now remember... MIKE: We've done that one twice. >then opened the hatch. MIKE: We're outta here. (Mike grabs Tom and they exit the theater.) Mike, Tom, and Crow are eating dinner. They have their heads bowed as they shovel food into their mouths MIKE: Salt please. (Salt shaker moves "mysteriously" across the table.) MIKE: Thanks! BOTS: (mumble "your welcome") MIKE: (looks up) Wait a second! How'd you guys do that? You have no functioning arms! CROW: We'd tell you Mike, but then we'd have to kill you. TOM: Yeah, and we'd really rather not have to do that. MIKE: Thanks.....I think. TOM: Don't mention it. CROW: Really. MIKE: Cambot! Give me rocket number 9! Hexfield shows space dotted with stars. MIKE: What the... TOM: We're being hailed. CROW: About time they realized... TOM: Not that type of hail. VOICE: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Could you tell us how to get to Earth? MIKE: Uh, actually...you're here already. But it's in the 20th century. PICARD: Hmm..couple centuries too early...oh well. Thanks. TOM: Why did you bump into us? PICARD: Well, we can't see where the sides of the ship are when we're cloaked. Thank goodness Geordi's working on it. I don't know what we'd do without our engineer. CROW: (sits there looking smug.) Told you! PICARD: Um, anyway. We'd better be going. MIKE: Wait! Couldn't you take us with you? We've been sent up here by a mad scientist and... PICARD: Well, I would, but that would mean breaking the Prime Directive. Helmsman, set course for that planet over there. Warp 5. Engage! (awsome warp speed sound.) TOM: Ya, know. He's broken the Prime Directive about as much as Kirk has. CROW: I know, what's one more violation? MIKE: I guess it's not for us to decide. (bends down to tie his shoe.) TOM: Umm, Mike? You've been kinda slow on the uptake today. I hope you don't mind, but me and Crow will probably be taking advantage of it often. MIKE: (distracted) Sure, Tom. (Crow and Tom look at eachother. And start to laugh manically.) MIKE: (looking up) What's so funny? BOTS: (simultaneously) Oh nothing...forget it...never mind. MIKE: Okay, whatever. (Lights flash.) ALL: BAD CROSSOVER SIIIGGGNNN!!!! (general panic ensues.) > The car bounced none too gently over the road. Actually, >thought Scully, you couldn't really call it a road. It technically >had left that term over two hours ago. TOM: 2 hours 26 minutes and 32.58375 seconds ago. MIKE: You really like that joke don't you Tom? > Mulder was scanning the horizon looking for the ship, or >whatever it was supposed to be. MIKE: It was supposed to be a ship. > She had to admit it was a good place to put one. There was nobody around for miles and in the mountains it was difficult to MIKE: Breathe. TOM: No, that's from all the cigarettee smoke. >see very far. She glanced at their tracker, just about there, >another mile or so.....BLAM!!! CROW: Please tell me the fanfic just spontanously combusted. MIKE: No such luck. > The explosion was close enough to make her ears ring and for >a moment she thought they were being shot at. MIKE: Not exactly unusual for them. > Mulder brought the car to a screeching halt and they both >hopped out with guns drawn. The first thing Scully noticed was MIKE: The paint job? TOM: The cool decal? CROW: The jack-in-the-box head on the atenna? >the front tire, it was a shredded mess. > "Blowout," she told Mulder as she holstered her weapon. TOM: (quickly) They changed the tire and drove off into the sunset. The End. MIKE: (sigh) We wish. The darn thing is only half over! > He walked over, took a look, and sighed. > "Maybe there's a spare in the trunk," he said > A search of the trunk and car produced nothing. TOM: Wasn't it origionally a truck? MIKE: Sports utility. It's easier just to write "car". TOM: (sighs and shakes his head.) > "Now what?" asked Scully > "We walk," said Mulder grabbing the tracker, a couple flashlights, a bag of sunflower seeds, CROW: What is it with this guy and sunflower seeds?! > and stuffing them into a duffel bag. Then proceeded towards >the big mountain on the right. MIKE: Umm, in order for it to be a "mountain" doesn't it already have to be big? > "Mulder!" said Scully running after him "We're out in the >middle of nowhere with no supplies!" > "It's less than a mile away Scully!" he said turning towards her TOM: (as Mulder) What kind of shape are you in anyway?! MIKE: Leave it Crow. CROW: Come on Mike. Please? MIKE: No, Crow. >"I haven't just bounced over a non existent road for the last two >hours to be stopped by this." He turned around and started >walking again. > "Okay," said Scully resigning... CROW: ...from office. > "Just give me a minute so I can lock the doors." > "Who's here to steal it?" he asked with a slightly bemused >look "How are they going to steal it?" MIKE: Hotwiring usually works. TOM: Somehow I doubt a flat tire will stop someone in the mood for a new sports utility. > Scully ignored this, grabbed her cell phone and hurried past >him. About fifteen minutes later... MIKE: Scully's heels must've slowed her down some. CROW: How does she do it anyway? TOM: Yeah, from what I hear high heels are hard to walk in and nearly impossible to run in. MIKE: Remember when she got abducted... BOTS: (in realization) Ahhhhh. >...they came upon a man. He was wearing a white shirt with a >black vest. His pants were black with a yellow stripe running >down the outside of its legs. He had brown hair. Behind him TOM: (quickly)...was an alien that devoured 'em all. The end. MIKE: Rather dark. But I know how you feel. >stood a woman wearing a maroon dress with a white knit vest. Her brown hair was done up in an intricate braid. Behind her was >a piece of junk. ALL: Groan. > Lando, Wedge, and Luke materialized on a platform in a >small room. The effects of the transporter left them all with a >tingly feeling. TOM: Ohh, tingly! > Off the platform and to the right by a double door stood three people. The first was bald, the second had brown hair and beard, >and the third was a woman with dark brown hair. The bald man >stepped forward. MIKE: And broke out into song... BOTS: NOOO!!!!! MIKE: Think about it! A Star Trek Musical! BOTS: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!PLEASEEEEEE NOOOO!!! > "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise, these are my officers. Second in command William Riker and TOM: (as Picard) ....and..*snaping his fingers*..darn! What was your name again? >councilor Deanna Troi." he said "Welcome aboard." > "I'm Lando Calrissian," said Lando stepping down "These are my friends; Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antillies." MIKE: (as Lando) And you'll just have to guess 'cause I'm not telling you which is which. > "If you'll follow me," said Riker "I'll show you to the >conference room." > The group walked out the doors and headed to the right. >Luke checked his belt and was surprised to find his lightsaber >missing. TOM: (sarcastically) Surprise! > "Hey Wedge," he whispered "Have you seen my lightsaber?" MIKE: (as Wedge) Yeah, it's got a hilt and a green blade. Am I right? > "No," whispered Wedge "Want to borrow my blaster?" > "That's okay," said Luke > They reached the conference room and walked inside. Next they were introduced to Dr. Beverly Crusher, Lt. Worf, Cmdr Data, >Lt. Cmdr. Geordi LaForge. Once they were all seated Picard >began. > "Now I know this is going to sound hard to believe when I tell you this," he said "but I would like you to keep an open mind. CROW: Scaple. Now just lean back and try to relax. This won't hurt a bit. MIKE: Ughh, Crow! CROW: Heh, heh, heh. > We are from the future. TOM: And they are from the past. So? > We have been sent back in time to stop first contact. >Supposedly it is not supposed to happen for a while yet." > "Please excuse me," said Wedge MIKE: There is no excuse for you! > "but what is first contact?" > "It was when earth was first visited be extra terrestrials," >said Data "That we know of." > "Who were these E.T.s?" asked Lando TOM: (as Picard) We don't know. Reports say all they wanted to do was "phone home". > "Well to be honest," said Picard "You were, but now that we CROW: (as Picard) ...have captured...I mean *informed* you... have stopped that and warned you. I guess our job is done." > "I wouldn't say that yet," said Luke respectfully MIKE: It's never that easy. > "You see, one of our ships lost life support and was forced to land." TOM: (as Luke) ...and take over your planet. We hope it's not too inconvienent. > "Do you know where?" asked Riker CROW: (as Luke with distorted expression) I'll never tell you!!!! > "The 'Luck has their coordinates in her computer," said Lando > "Very well," said Picard "We will bring your ships into our >docking bay. If you would be so kind as to tell us where they >landed we will see what we can do about getting their life MIKE: ...forces. You just plug 'em in to this big battery here and... support fixed before they are seen by too many people. Number >One, if you would show our guests to the docking bay?" CROW: (as Picard) If you would show our *guests* to the kitchen, er..I mean docking bay? MIKE: Crow! TOM: Thanks Crow, I'm gonna have nightmares now. CROW: Why? You're not human. TOM: Good point! MIKE: I'm going to be sick... > "Yes, sir" said Riker > "You are all dismissed," MIKE: (as teacher) Okay you're all dissmissed. Have a good weekend and don't forget finals are coming up! >said Picard "Mr. Skywalker? May I speak with you for a >moment?" > "Sure," said Luke easily. TOM: He had learned that word in first grade and now could say it with ease. > He sensed no betrayal in this man. Or in all the crew for that >matter. > Picard waited until everyone had left. MIKE: Right? TOM: Wrong? CROW: As in; gone. MIKE&TOM: Ohhhh. > "The being that sent us back," he said noting Luke's raised eyebrows at the mention of a being, "Gave me a lightsaber >saying it belonged to one of you." He then handed Luke his >lightsaber back to him. TOM: He just *happens* to pick Luke. CROW: He just *happens* to know what it's called! > "Thank you," said Luke then decided to be as honest as the captain CROW: (as a young Luke) I'm sowy. I stole some candy then lied about it...(sniffles). >"I was wondering where it went." > "What's it used for?" asked Picard as they walked towards MIKE: ...the wall. TOM: (as Picard) Which one of us is watching where... CROW: (as Luke) Not me I... ALL: *THUD* the docking bay > "It is used by Jedi Knights," said Luke "Where I come from we have this thing called the force..." ALL: Yadda, yadda, yadda. > "Good afternoon," said Mulder as he and Scully walked up. TOM: Breathless from the effort. > "Good afternoon," said the man > "I'm Agent Mulder from the FBI," he said showing his badge "and this is Agent Scully." > "I'm Han Solo," said the man "and this is Leia Organa." He didn't want to give it away that CROW: ...they were really going to kill them. she was a princess just yet. Leia >stepped forward so that she was even with Han. Both parties eyed each other. MIKE: Look out!! CROW: Duck! (he and Mike dive for cover.) TOM: (looking up) Where? ALL: (make gushy splatting noises.) MIKE: Ya, know. That was pretty gross. CROW: So? > "You guys just get here?" asked Scully MIKE: Uh, no actually. TOM: We've been here since the story began. > "Yeah," said Han > "Do you know what that is?" asked Mulder indicating the CROW: Corpse in the trunk. Falcon nestled in the foliage. > Han looked confused. MIKE: Gah? > "Yesss," he said slowly > "Care to tell us?" asked Scully TOM: (as Han) Not really, no. > "That's my ship," said Han still confused, but looking Mulder >right in the eye. CROW: Even though it was on the ground in front of him. MIKE: Think you can find another "eye" riff? This is getting kind of disgusting. > Even though he knew he wasn't supposed to show visible >signs of emotion when questioning. Mulder felt his eyebrows TOM: He *felt* his eyebrows?! ?! CROW: Mulder is *really* weird! >rise in surprise. He noticed Scully's eyebrows furrow just the >slightest in skepticism. Scully looked at Han, the man was MIKE: ...making faces at them. >looking Mulder right in the eye. CROW: (getting up) 'Scuse me a minute. (goes off stage.) AAAAHHHHHHH! (comes back.) MIKE: Better? CROW: Much. > His pupils weren't dilated nor was he swallowing excessively, >these were the symptoms of lying that agents were told to look >for. CROW: Really? Cool! Now I can lie to the FBI! MIKE: Uhh, Crow? That's only *some* of the signs. TOM: Yeah, and they probably heard you say that too. CROW: (paranoid) Look! Over there! I can see one of them! AHHH! (dives under chair.) MIKE: (Pulls him back up) Easy Crow. > The only reason you wouldn't see it on somebody was if they >were psycho or telling the truth. TOM: Yeah, and she's had her share of psycho's let me tell you... > She studied the woman. Psychos normally didn't work with >other people, they couldn't. Was it possible this man was telling >the truth? ALL: In the X-Files? Not a chance! > "Where are you from?" she asked, not that she cared... TOM: Not like she cared or anything. CROW: She does care; about Mulder though. MIKE: Guys! People will get the wrong idea. CROW: Too late Mike. Have you seen some of the fanfiction out there?! MIKE: After *our* experiences?! After all the bad fanfics we've been made to read, after all the bad postings, news, and movie scripts we've been forced to read! After all that, you *still* go on the 'Net? TOM: Well, Mike. That's what people do when they don't have a life. CROW: Then Scully and Mulder should *always* be on it! MIKE: Umm, where were we? TOM: I think it was "Where are you from?" asked Scully, not that she cared.... MIKE: Okay. >...but to release the tension that hung heavily in the air. MIKE: Tension...heavy...can't...breathe... ALL: (make gasping sounds) > "I'm from Corellia," stated Han > "And you?" asked Mulder turning to Leia > "Alderaan," she said also looking him in the eye. CROW: (sighs) MIKE: Ahem! CROW: (innocently) What? > "Mind if we take a look at you ship?" asked Scully MIKE: If he's Ship, shouldn't it be capitalized? TOM: No, I think she just called him a ship. > "Not at all," said Han, actually he minded very much. These >folks were too smooth for his liking. CROW: They had a limitless supply of wrinkle free face cream. > Not con smooth, but government smooth. He had no doubt that they were people used to asking the right questions and >getting answers. ALL: (general laughing and knee slapping at this.) MIKE: Getting answers? Suuure Han. Whatever you say. > Investigators maybe. He led them to the ramp. > By the time Picard and Luke reached the docking bay CROW: (as Picard) Kitchen! I mean docking bay! I mean... > the ships were in and Lando was giving the coordinates to >Riker. The away team consisted of Riker, Dr. Crusher, Data, >Geordi, and two security officers. TOM: Soon to be dead. MIKE: I've yet to see a "retired" security officer! Worf would not be going on >this one. MIKE: He would kind of stick out. TOM: Yeah, like a sore thumb. > Lando was in the process of asking if he and his friends could >go when they walked up. > "I don't know," said Riker "What do you think sir?" CROW: (as Picard) No, actually I don't. > Picard stood for a moment before answering. They were human according to Dr. Crusher and it was their friends that were >down there. He nodded. > "Make it so," he said CROW: Guess Happy couldn't resist it anymore. TOM: (as Borg) Resistance is futile! > Riker and crew headed to the turbo lift. MIKE: (sighing) Does anybody even know what "walk" means anymore? > "We'll have to leave the hatch down," said Han as he walked in. MIKE: 'Bout time! Mulder and Scully followed behind while Leia brought up the >rear. Han went passed Chewbacca without giving him a second >glance,... TOM: (as Chewbacca) Hey! I refuse to be treated like a prop here! >...but the agents sure did. Mulder tried to keep his expression >neutral, but by the elbow that Scully placed in his side knew he >was failing miserably. CROW: Did she ever get it back? >He tried looking around the ship instead. The air had a stale feel >to it and he could smell some sort of lubricant. Han led them to >the cockpit, cargo hold, and finally the general living area. If he >had a cabin, he didn't show it. MIKE: (as Han) Cabin? It's rather messy right now... > "Do you guys know of a good spaceport 'round here?" TOM: Mr. Wretchedhiveofscumandvillianary wants to know of a "good" space port? Since when did *he* get so picky?! MIKE: Good question. >asked Han "The exchanger's busted and I need to get a new one." > "Mind if I take a look at it?" asked Scully > "Be my guest," said Han... ALL: (singing) Be our guest. Be our guest... CROW: Or.... ALL: (singing) See my vest. See my vest... >...reaching onto a table that looked like a round chess board for >a piece of machinery the size of a head. He casually tossed it to >Scully. MIKE: Who promptly dropped it. She caught it neatly. TOM: What the..? That's an X-File! CROW: It's even stranger than that "Tooms" case! Where'd she learn that? Wondered Mulder. She lost her flashlight 'bout as much as he >lost his gun. ALL: Yeah! > He watched as Scully studied it. MIKE: There was going to be a test on it later. > "As you can see," said Han "A strong electric charge fried CROW: ...the chicken. TOM: The one that didn't cross the road. >every wire. If you look closely you'll see that the board is >completely melted inside." MIKE: Obviously. CROW: Sure looks like it. TOM: That'd be my diognostic. > Scully agreed "Not much left." she said giving it to Mulder. >He looked at it and passed it back to Han mumbling his >agreement. He had no idea what he was looking at and didn't CROW: ...care? >know how she did. The large hairy anthropoid growled >something. Much like a dog would, thought Mulder tensing ever >so slightly in case of attack. > "I'm sorry," said Han "I forgot to introduce Chewbacca here." >he nodded towards the hairy thing. TOM: As long as it doesn't eat them then impersonate 'em I wouldn't call it "Thing". > Looks like a walking carpet, thought Scully. ALL: (groan) > She wondered if it was all just a costume. MIKE: That's Scully for you. CROW: So Mike..you kn*MMPF*! > Chewbacca growled again and motioned with his hand. > "He wants to know if you'll drive us down to the space port so we can find a new exchanger," said Han > What?! Thought Scully, that one growl said all that?! CROW: MMFFT! MIKE: Oops, sorry (let's go of Crow's beak.) TOM: (as Han) Actually I paraphrasing. What he really said was "Let's have them show us around before we eat th...nevermind. > "Wellll," said Mulder what do you say to an alien (who looks >human) CROW: But is obviously an alien. >and is looking for a space port you don't have? Suddenly he >remembered... TOM: (quickly) That this was all a dream and he woke up. The End. MIKE: (sighing) Give it up Tom. >...Cape Kennedy in Florida. "We'll there's Cape Kennedy." he >said. Scully gave him a warning look, MIKE: Of all the times to run out of "giving" jokes. >luckily no one was paying attention. TOM: Someone's *always* paying attention! >"but one of our tires blew out on the way up here." he finished. >Suddenly the proximity alarms went off again. > Leia checked them "Han!" she snapped TOM: (sadly) She did? I thought... MIKE: Easy Tom. I think that's how she spoke. You know when you say something sharply? TOM: Oh. >"They're only 100 meters away!" > "What?! That's impossible!" he said CROW: This is the X-Files. *Anything* is possible. TOM: Possiblities like a "Star Wars" being pulled with Cancerman... MIKE: As long as Scully doesn't turn out to be his half sister or anything. > He headed for the hatch with Chewie right on his heels. >Everyone else followed. Outside he saw 9 people approaching, >three he recognized instantly. "LUKE! LANDO! WEDGE!" CROW: (painfully) My ears... TOM: THX. MIKE: The audience is now deaf... >he shouted wondering how they got here and evaded his >sensors. > "Hey Han." said Lando "We heard you had some trouble so we thought we'd bring some help." He motioned towards the >group of uniformed people. > "Uhhh, thanks," said Han not knowing what to make of it. CROW: I think a goup of uniformed people bearing down on you is called...: "arrest". MIKE: Is Lando *still* sore about the Falcon? > Meanwhile the others had come out behind him. Mulder >and Scully took one look at the group and automatically put >their hands on their guns. The security guards noticed this and TOM: Promptly kneeled over and died to save them the effort. >put their hands on their phasers. They looked at each other. > "At ease," said Riker to the security guards. They complied as did Mulder and Scully. MIKE: Well, that was a pointless piece of action. TOM: At least it was *action*. CROW: If you consider that *action*. > This man had a military bearing about him, thought Mulder, too >young, though, to have been mixed up in Roswell. Lando >proceeded to introduce everybody. Then Han introduced the >agents. Riker looked at them. Is it me, wondered Mulder, or does he wish we weren't here? > "It's the exchanger," said Han to relieve the tension ALL: (gasp, wheeze!) >"The jump baked it then fried it." > Jump? Thought Scully. MIKE: (singing) Jump! Jump! I say... > "Do you guys know where we can get a new one?" asked >Lando to Riker > "Well," said Geordi "We might be able to replicate one. Can I >see it?" MIKE: Huh? > "Sure," said Han looking at Chewie who ran to get it. > "How'd you guys get here?" asked Scully as they waited. TOM: For the Domino's delivery boy. >She had talked to Leia and found out what the proximity alarm >was supposed to do. > "We just flew on in," said Lando slightly joking yet serious. MIKE: Kind, yet mean. CROW: Soft, yet hard. TOM: Cool, yet warm. > "Must have some sort of cloaking device," said Han > "Oh, yeah" said Lando "Top o' the line too." > Han smiled, most likely off the black market, he thought. >Chewie came back with the exchanger. Geordi looked at it. MIKE: Isn't he, you know...blind? TOM: Yeah... > "Man," he breathed "This thing sure took a hit. With your >permission sir?" > Riker nodded and Geordi walked off to see what he could >do with it. Once he was out of sight he beamed up. MIKE: There were a lot of "sight" puns in there. > The group sat in silence for a moment. That's when Mulder >realized the shadows were getting long. Mountain sunsets >didn't last as long as prairie ones, it would be dark really soon. CROW: At least they don't have to worry about those stupid green bugs again! They were going to have to spend the night here. > "Well," said Riker also noting the nearing darkness TOM: They knew, as did most who had survied. What came out with the dark!! CROW: Yeah! Stupid green bugs! MIKE: Bitter much Crow? >"We'd better get going. You guys have a place to stay?" he asked looking at the agents > Mulder shook his head. CROW: (as Riker) Don't worry. There's a nice little motel up the road called; "Bates Motel" TOM: He was right. They *don't* want him here. MIKE: (paranoid) "They"? > "Don't worry," said Han "There's plenty of room in the >Falcon." > They split it up so the guys got the bunks out in the living >area and the girls got the cabins. CROW: So he *did* have a cabin. TOM: Cabins. > The wispy blue smoke circled slowly to the ceiling where it >gathered in a heavy cloud. The grey haired man took another >long draw and slowly let it out. TOM: Oh, man... CROW: This is going too far... MIKE: Him too? > "Did your men check the "meteorite" that hit in Montana?" he >asked the man next to him. > "Umm," gulped the nervous underling "They were unable to >establish the exact location of it, but we did neutralize the >witnesses." > "What?" MIKE: (as annoyed underling) I have no clue where it is! The "witnesses" don't even remember it anymore! There! Happy? HAPPY: What? MIKE: Uh..not you. Nothing, nevermind. > The underling did not meet his gaze. The older man flicked his cigarette. > "Never mind," said the man "I'll deal with them myself. I hold >a special interest in one of the agents that was sent out there." CROW: You know. Darth Vader didn't need cigaretts to give him a breathing problem. TOM: Yeah, and Darth said it way better too! Copycat!! > Late that night Chewie got up. He was having trouble >sleeping due to the snoring of his Captain and thought a little fresh air would help. Using his keen sense of direction he headed towards the valley he had spotted when they landed. >Climbing a Douglas fir CROW: Happy has no life. TOM: Yeah, she tells us what *type* of tree he climbs. >he sat and looked out across the valley. In it he saw a lonely >little ranch. Suddenly a sound reached his ears. It was >somebody softly crying. He judged it to be a young child. MIKE: I pronounce you; A young child. > Making his way slowly from tree to tree he came to a young boy sitting by a large rock. His eyes were better than the boys and he could see that the child carried a backpack and flashlight. CROW: (yawn) Chewie wouldn't have any trouble sleeping if he read this. >It appeared the flashlight had run out of batteries. MIKE: Or it was turned off. TOM: Nah, it's a Wookiee thing. CROW: They can tell things like that. MIKE: (paranoid) "They"? BOTS: Would you quit that?! MIKE: Sorry. Just trying to get into the spirit of The X-Files. > He made his way quietly down the tree and stole softly as a MIKE: fluffy cotton ball. CROW: "Fluffy"? >shadow to the bushes in front of the boy. He stepped out into >the small clearing made by the rock. The child looked up. His >tear streaked face looking almost white in the moonlight. TOM: Speaking of spirit... CROW: Makeup! We need makeup here! > Chewie cocked his head and uttered a low crooning note. The child's intense brown eyes studied him. Squatting down so as >not to appear so threatening Chewie motioned to the child. >Getting up slowly the child walked cautiously over to him. >Chewie offered a paw and the child took it. TOM: ...home and hung it on his wall. > Making his way carefully down the mountain Chewie headed >towards the ranch he had seen. The child followed noiselessly >beside him. When they reached the house the child took over... CROW: ...his body. >...and led him to a window that was open. Chewie then boosted him up so he could climb inside. Once inside the child turned to look at the Wookiee whose chin just cleared the sill. > "Thank you bigfoot," he whispered seriously. TOM: Ah, ha! So bigfoot *does* exsist. MIKE: Umm, I supose. If you look at it that way. > Then he disappeared into the dark confines of the room. > Chewie nodded in satisfaction. Chuckling lightly at the obscure name the child had given him, he made his way back to >the Falcon. > Scully rolled over and cleared the sleep from her eyes. She >glanced at her watch, 11:21am. MIKE: There's another one! TOM: Shouldn't a phone be ringing? > Frowning, she listened. Only light snoring reached her ears. >She sat up and headed toward, (what had they called it?) the TOM: Honey Bucket? >'fresher? Looks like a bathroom to me, she thought. She >washed her face and did some general freshening up. CROW: Hence the name. > Then she stepped outside. The "Wookiee" slept on one the floor near the bottom bunk. On the bottom bunk slept Han. She >guessed the lump on the top bunk was Mulder. TOM: (as Scully) Let's see...medium sized lump, top bunk. Yep, must be Mulder. > The light snoring had come from Captain Solo. She walked out >of the open hatch. She was slightly surprised to find the woman up as well. Leia turned towards her. > "Morning," she said > "Just barely," said Scully. Leia smiled > "How was your sleep?" she asked > "Pretty good," said Scully "You just get up?" > Leia shook her head. They stood there in silence a moment. MIKE: I wonder what it felt like. BOTS: Wha....? MIKE: You know, to stand in silence. Would it feel squishy? Hard? TOM: It would be quiet. CROW: I wish you guys would be. > Presently Leia asked, > "So you two work for the local government?" > "Yes," MIKE: Didn't they say that already? > "There was no "spaceport" was there." she said > Scully shook her head. > "No," she said "It's there, but not the type you would be looking for." I can't believe I just said that! CROW: Ya, know that part in the disclaimer about having characters say something they normally wouldn't say... > Leia reached out with the force. She could sense this >woman's dedication and wasn't to surprised at the next question. > "Where are you guys from anyway?" TOM: I thought she didn't care. > "According to the star charts," said Leia smiling slightly "A >galaxy far, far away." ALL: Wah, wah, wah, waahhhh. > Scully didn't quite know what to make of this. Just then >Chewie came flying out of the cabin. TOM: Wookiees can fly? CROW: Well, he *believed* he could fly. MIKE: I don't know whether to break out into song, or make an X-Files riff. > He growled something as he raced pass and headed down the >mountain. Running inside they found Han looking at the >sensors. Warning alarms blared throughout the ship. MIKE: Finally! Some action! > "Could you turn those down a bit?" asked Scully as she looked at the sensors and noticed four cars less than a two >kilometers away. > "Would kind of defeat the purpose," said Mulder coming up behind them. ALL: Groan. > "Let's go," said Solo checking his blaster and tossing Leia one. "I've gotta get that thing fixed," he mumbled. They all >headed out the hatch a ran straight into the Enterprise away team. ALL: (overlapped) Ow! 'Scuse me. Sorry about that. Watch where you're going! > "Looks like your getting some company," said Riker >"Thought we'd help." CROW: (as Han) Great! If you could empty the trash and do some general straightening up. That'd be perfect! > How do they do that, wondered Mulder as they ran down the >mountain. MIKE: Mulder sure wonders a lot in this one. > Inside the black Towncar the grey haired man spoke to the >driver. CROW: All this detail is beginning to get to me. > "The boy said he saw it land up this way," > "Think he really saw bigfoot?" asked the driver > The man shrugged and lit a cigarette. "Nobody'll believe him." > "Why would "they" do this anyway," asked the driver "What did we do wrong?" > "I don't believe this is "their" doing," said the man. "I want >the man who was in charge of "neutralizing" the witnesses taken >care of." TOM: What is it with this guy?! He's like a Darth Vader wanna-be. CROW: Darth was so much cooler though. MIKE: No kidding! > Such a mistake would not be tolerated. The four cars made >their way towards the mountain each carrying an assault team. > "Captain Solo!" called Geordi as they ran "I was able to >replicate an air exchanger for you," > "Great!" said Solo "As soon as we get rid of these >unwelcome guests I'll show you how we install it." They all took >up sniper positions and waited. TOM: And Scully fell asleep. MIKE: What? TOM: Well, durring this stakeout... CROW & MIKE: Fanbot! TOM: It was really sweet, the way Mulder woke her up, the way.... CROW: Wow! So what happened? MIKE: Shh. We want to be done before next year! > "I want this entire area swept... MIKE: ...before dinner. >...said the cigarette smoking man "We cannot let this get out!" >The 15 men spread out in a fan formation and began searching. >The cigarette man followed behind. > "Data," whispered Riker "How many do you see?" > "Sixteen sir," said Data "With our phasers we should be able >to stun them each of us taking two. I will cover the extra three." > "Okay," said Riker "Inform the others I don't want to have to >kill anybody." CROW: We'd *hate* to have to kill somebody. > "Yes, sir" > As the men made their way up the mountain a flash of >orange energy hit the man in front and he went down. > "It's an ambush!!" yelled the man. MIKE: Which one? > During the time he took to say that four more men went down. >He looked up and saw a uniformed body in a tree. Snapping out >his gun he fired. The man fell screaming to the ground. CROW: Don't worry. It's just a nameless security officer. > More of his men went down. He dove for cover. Just as he >reached it he felt a sharp pain on his bottom, then he lost >consciousness. TOM: Not the most dignified way to go. MIKE: Yeah, shot in the butt. > Everyone walked out from their spots. > "Man down!" yelled Geordi examining the fallen security >officer. CROW: See? TOM: Not if you're Geordi. > Dr. Beverly Crusher ran over. > "We got to get him back to the Enterprise," she said >examining the wound. She took a quick look around, then tapped her combadge. "Crusher to Enterprise," she said "Two to >beam up." She felt a hand on her shoulder. TOM: (as Crusher) Hello, Thing! > Once in the Enterprise's sickbay she looked behind her. >Scully had ran over to see if she could help and now stood >behind her. > "Hey Geordi," said Mulder "Have you seen Scully?" MIKE: (as Geordi) Uhh, no? I'm blind remember? > "Uhh, yeah," said Geordi "She and Dr. Crusher are attending >to one of our men that got shot." > "Where are they?" he asked looking around. Thankfully before Geordi had to say anything Riker called everyone over. > "Okay," he said "We got all sixteen people. We've got to >wipe their memory then return them and we have to do it fast! TOM: He *is* with Area 51 and the MIB. CROW: If Mulder heard that.... > Geordi, I want you and Captain Solo here to install that >exchanger. Agent Mulder." Mulder looked up CROW: Never mind. >"Check these guy's cars, see if they have a spare for you." He >nodded. "Okay, let's go!" said Riker. > Mulder headed off to check the cars. Sure enough they all >had spares. Grabbing one he made his way over the mountain >to where he and Scully had left the Explorer. > "Now that he's gone," said Riker "Contact Dr. Crusher and >have her send that serum down." TOM: Serum? MIKE: I don't think they use *serum* in the 24th century. > Back on the Enterprise Scully was shocked... MIKE: Ow! Quit it! ...to find out where she was. The doctor looked up. > "Hey," she said "You going to help me with this guy or not." >Scully walked... MIKE: Sheesh! It's about time *somebody* did. >...over to the medical bed. The best thing to do, thought Beverly, was to keep her busy. Less likely she would ask >questions. At that moment the captain walked in. "Uh oh," she thought, "now I'm in for it." > Picard stopped. By Dr. Crusher there was another woman. >She had been described as one of the agents. What the devil was she doing up here!? > "Dr. Crusher," he said "May I see you a moment?" CROW: Why did he ask? He's not blind. > The Doctor gave a few instructions to the agent then walked >over. > "Before you say anything Jean-Luc," CROW: Hey! First name basis! MIKE: Crow, enough. TOM: Yeah, she's known him for what? Over ten years? >she said "I want you to know that I did not bring her up here on >purpose." > "In the future," said Picard "I advise you to check your >surroundings before beaming." CROW: (as Picard) But don't mind the past 'cause we've got our special Mind-Wiping serum. > She nodded and motioned him over to the patient. > "He took a bullet to the stomach," she said "I've given him >some pain relievers, he should make it." MIKE: (as Crusher) Not like I have to patch up the wound and remove the bullet or anything. > They all stood awkwardly for a moment TOM: How do you do that? >till Picard said. > "You must be one of the agents," > "Yes," said Scully "I'm special agent Dana Scully." At that moment Dr. Crusher came up behind her and injected a >hypospray. Scully collapsed to the deck. > "Make sure she and that other agent are also given the >serum," said Picard "I came to tell you that the away team is ready for it to be beamed down." CROW: They couldn't use the combage or anything. MIKE: Well, he had to at least *look* like he was doing something important. > "Okay," said Deanna as the man with the cigarette was >injected "I think that about does it. They shouldn't remember a >thing." Beverly came up behind her. > "Only two to go," she said motioning to the unconscious Scully by the tree. Deanna walked over and injected the serum. > "Why are you doing this?" asked Han > "They're from the future," said Luke "At this point in time >their society is not ready for the possibility of alien life." He looked over and noticed that Mulder had come back. He walked >over. Mulder looked around and noticed Scully at the base... TOM: Base? I thought they were in the mountains in the middle of nowhere! ...of the tree. TOM: The tree has a base? What is it!? Some sort of secert military opperation!?!? MIKE: Calm down Tom. The base of a tree is the bottom area. TOM: Oh. > "What did you do to her?" he asked angrily. At the tree >Deanna braced herself as the emotions of paranoia and anger >swept over her. ALL: (as Deanna) I sense your paranoia and anger. > "She's okay," said Luke "We just injected her with a serum so she wouldn't remember all of this." They were going to do it to >him too, so he figured it didn't hurt to tell him. It would keep him in one place till they could inject him. > Mulder blanched > "And is that what you did to these men too!" it wasn't a >question. Luke nodded. Suddenly it all made sense. MIKE: Does it make sense to you guys? BOTS: Nope! > These aliens CROW: Who, according to 24th century technology, we're human, but obviously alien. >had been playing him all along and now intended to inject him >too! He looked around, they were all staring at him. There was >no way out. He had only one question. > "Where's my sister." he said TOM: And that has *what* to do with the story? MIKE: Uh..it's only the reason why Mulder joined the FBI and is investigating alien abductions. TOM: Oh, okay. > Luke looked puzzled. TOM: The 500 piece kind. > "This is the first time we've all been here" he explained "It >was an accident. I didn't even know you had a sister." > "What about them?" he said gesturing towards Riker "You >said they came from the future." CROW: Yes, and they need to go *back* to it, so if you don't mind... MIKE: I'm surprised we held off on that Back to the Future ref. for so long. > "We do," said Riker "The 24th century to be exact, MIKE: (as Riker) Give or take a decade. >but this is the first time I've heard of you. None of us knew you >had a sister." CROW: You know, it hasn't been proven that she's dead yet. > "Have," said Mulder. He knew now. These aliens in their >human disguises, he didn't believe them. TOM: Duh! He "trusts no one"! CROW: But I thought he "Believes". MIKE: Well, he *wants* to. "Before you go," he >said hopping they would forget to inject him "Could you tell me >the truth?" > "We have told you the truth," said Data > Mulder shook his head. > Data cocked his head. "You mean about the "little green men"?" he asked > "Whatever," said Mulder he didn't feel like explaining about >the grey skin "Just the truth." > "I am sorry," said Data "But your society cannot handle the truth." MIKE: You know, I've been waiting for someone to say that to Mulder for years! > "What!?" said Mulder not knowing whether to laugh or get mad. Then he felt something in his neck and sank into >unconsciousness. TOM: Well *that* was anticlimatic. > Back on the Enterprise the two parties got ready for the >"slingshot". Picking up speed they headed towards the sun at >the last minute they pulled out. When everyone came to they >found themselves back in the 24th century. TOM: For "Trek" that was waayyy too easy. MIKE & CROW: Fanbot! TOM: It's true!! MIKE: You do have a point. CROW: (snicker) Yeah, at the top of your head. > The plan was; to take the group to the Barzan wormhole. It was unstable at the end, but they would only be going half way through it. Once inside they would send off the torpedo Geordi >had made. In theory it would open a path back to their own >galaxy. In theory. CROW: Theories always work in "Trek". TOM: And in "Files" > "Well," said Picard over the comm to the four ships "I guess >this is it. Good luck!" > "Thank you captain," said Han "Alright Chewie, punch it!" MIKE: (as Han) Ow! Not *me* Chewie! > The four ships zoomed off towards the wormhole it opened >up and in they flew. > Back at his desk Mulder read the newspaper. > "Hey, Scully!" he said "Listen to this; Blackwood, MT. TOM: (excitiedly) Hey! Blackwood was the codename for the X-Files movie when they were filming it! So people wouldn't know that it was the X-Files!!!! MIKE & CROW: Faaannnnbooootttt!!!! TOM: (Sigh) > Local resident claims to have seen bigfoot! Charlie CROW: ...Brown. Blake of >Blackwood, MT claims he saw bigfoot two nights ago. He said "I >was lost in the woods. When I looked up bigfoot was standing >in front of me. He led me back home." The boy's mother denies >knowledge of such an event... TOM: Deny everything!! >...saying "I don't know where he comes up with these stories. I >think one days he will be a good writer." > Scully looked up "Looks like we're not the only ones having >a slow day," she said. > "Hey," said Mulder still reading "Look at this, The U.S.S. Enterprise CVN 65 is coming up here. They're going to conduct >tours!" MIKE: (as Scully) Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Dad was in the Navy, remember? > Scully looks disturbed. "No, thanks" she says and goes on >to her files. > "Stand by Chewie," said Han "Okaaayyy, disengage >hyperdrive!" The ships came out of hyperspace. In front of >them loomed three Star Destroyers. There was a fire fight going >on. TOM: At least they weren't *playing* with fire. > On the Punisher Captain Jarton desperately tried to keep >order. Smoke poured out of every station. Half of his crew was >dead or unconscious. One of his aids rushed up. MIKE: (as aid) Oh Captain. My Captain. > "Captain!" he said "They are asking for our surrender!" > "No!" coughed Jarton > "But sir!" shrieked the aid CROW: My ears hurt just from reading that. > "Our shields are down! They have captured our fighters!" > "I said NO!" rasped Jarton staggering to the >communications station "DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL NOT >SURRENDER!! LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE!" MIKE: I think even the Empire will outlive him. > He felt his ship shudder as more hits struck home. Then with a >final bolt from the communications board that killed his aid the >whole ship exploded. CROW: I guess that was the "PG" part. > Inside the Falcon everyone threw up their arms to block the intense light. > "What the heck just happened?" Han voiced the collective... TOM: (as Borg) We are the Borg, you will be assimilated... >...question. The comm bleeped. Han flipped the switch. CROW: He really should stop doing that. It *is* PG. MIKE: Crow...you know what she ment. CROW: (innocently) Do I? TOM: Yes, you do. CROW: Plausable deniability. > "Alliance vessels," came a voice "This is Captain Garshon of >the Star Destroyer Tremor. I am speaking on behalf of all of us >when I say; We wish to defect." > Han looked at Leia "Well, your highness?" Leia reached out. >Even with her untrained mind she could sense the sincerity of these officers. > "Call Mon Mothma," she said "Tell her we have three new additions to the fleet." CROW: Is it done? MIKE: Almost. > "Captain's log stardate 48142.5: TOM: Hey! Did you know that the first number means.... MIKE: No, but let's keep it that way. CROW: Yeah, I'm tired of saying Fanboy and Fanbot. >The..." > "Why hello Jean-Luc," said Q once again appearing on Picard's desk. Picard looked up from the PADD he was holding. > "Hello Q," he said through tightened lips. > "Why my dear captain," said Q in mock sorrow "I'm hurt. TOM: We should *be* so lucky. MIKE: You know, you just sounded an awful lot like... CROW: Yeahhh.... (They shift away from Tom.) > Here I give you the chance to go back and right the wrongs of >history and that's all you can say!?" > "Thank you Q" said Picard barely civil. > "Honestly Jean-Luc," said Q sighing "I really don't know >what you would do without me." CROW: How does Picard put *up* with this guy?!! > "Now wait just a minute!" MIKE: (as Q) 59...58....57.... >said Picard "You didn't help us at all." > "Really Jean-Luc," said Q "Because as I recall I was the one >who originally gave you the means to get back. I was the one >who sent the Borg after Guinean's homeworld giving her that >marvelous little knack for knowing things that she has. TOM: Umm, I don't think so. CROW: Yeah, he sent Picard 'n Crew to the Borg, but... MIKE: ...I think Guinean's encounter was just one of those things that....happened. > Without me," he sighed sadly "You and your pitiful race are doomed." > "We'll see," said Picard CROW: What? Are they *all* blind now? > "Careful Jean-Luc," said Q "I would absolutely hate to have >to teach you another lesson about humility." He vanished. > "Look whose talking," muttered Picard to himself > "I heard that," said the voice of Q TOM: She had to throw that last voice in, didn't she. > "Q!" said Picard > Q's laughter echoed and finally faded away. MIKE: Time for us to fade away. (they exit) MIKE: What do you think? PEARL: Not bad Nelson. You held up better than I thought you would. But don't be congradulating yourselves just yet. I have the feeling you'll be seeing more of Happy's work soon. CROW: (quietly) Let's just hope her feelings aren't as right as Mulder's normally are. TOM: (nods in agreement.) MIKE: (loudly) We're ready for anything! BOTS: (groan, and look away.) PEARL: We shall see Nelson. Roll end credits.