(Mike, Tom and Crow are all behind the counter. Mike's nose and eyes are red and he is wrapped in a big quilt, Tom has an ice pack on his head, and Crow is lighter in color and is shaking. All have thermometers in their mouths.) MIKE: Hi, (cough) and welcome to the Satilite of Love (cough). I'm Mike Nelson and these are the bots; Tom (nods causing the ice pack to fall off, he bends down to retrieve it.) and Crow (Crow's beak chatters in an attempt to say something.) You haven't exactly caught us at our best. TOM: (sounding as if his nose was plugged.) Nhat's for sure. CROW: (chattering) Y-y-e-a-h. MIKE: We all have seemed to have come down with some sort of flu. (Crow sneezes.) Say, has anyone seen Gypsy? GYPSY: Right here Mike. (Gypsy floats in with a Red Cross nurse hat on. She is "carring" a tray of medications.) One for you Tom (she pops a pill down Tom's throat.) Some for you, Crow (she pours a spoonful of medicine down his throat.) CROW: Auggghhhh! What's *in* this stuff?! GYPSY: (reads label) I don't think you want to know. And for you, Mike.... MIKE: (looking at Crow who is under the table gagging) Uhh, that's okay Gyps. GYPSY: Nonsense. Now be a good boy and take your medicine. (Mike is backing away as Gypsy comes on with the spoon.) MIKE: (goes to say something else, but as soon as his mouth is open Gypsy shoves the spoon in it.) Ugghhhhh! GYPSY: Good, now remember. You aren't allowed to eat for half an hour after taking this and you can't have anything to drink for 10 minutes. MIKE: That's gotta be breaking the 8th amendment. (Mad lights flash.) CROW: P-p-p-.... TOM: (same) NDr. Kevorikiann is callingn. MIKE: That was a good one, Tom. (hits button.) (VAN) PEARL: Greetings....Nelson! You look awful!! What did you do? Watch all the Godzilla movies back-to-back? (SOL) MIKE: Uhh, no actually. We were watching C-SPAN. (VAN) PEARL: (in shock) You're really a sucker for punishment, aren't you? (SOL) CROW: I t-t-think s-s-s-suker is s-s-s-suficiant. (appologies to Bill Amend) MIKE: (ignoring Crow) Wow, Pearl. You seemed genuinely concerned here. (VAN) PEARL: (gaily) It's nothing of the sort Nelson. You see, I need to know what type of pain you're in now. Wouldn't do me much good to send you something if you're already *in* extreme pain. (SOL) MIKE: (touched) I don't know what to say. (VAN) PEARL: I think "Medic!" would probably be a good idea, you see... I was able to find another one of Happy's stories so what ever pain you're feeling now will no doubt be trivial compared to this. (SOL) BOTS: MEDIC!!! (Gypsy off-stage) Coming!! BOTS: (pause a moment) NEVERMIND!!!! MIKE: Well, it can't be any worse than "Time Zones". (VAN) PEARL: (shrugs) Depends on your point of veiw. (SOL) BOTS: AAAHHHHH! IT'S STAR WARS!!!!! (VAN) PEARL: No. But you might wish it was. It's X-Files. (SOL) BOTS: (go to scream, but break off in a fit of coughing.) (VAN) PEARL: And that's all I'm going to tell you. (SOL) MIKE: That was very cruel. (VAN) PEARL: Trust no one, Nelson. (SOL) (Movie lights) ALL: WE'VE GOT (cough, cough) X-FILES SIIIIGGGNNNN!!! >Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. These characters aren't >mine (sigh) too bad. CROW: I don't have a million dollars (sigh) too bad. MIKE: Hey! You're chattering stopped! > But nobody said I couldn't borrow them. Hee, hee, hee.

ALL: Hee, hee, hee...MWAHAHAHAHA!!!! >Rating: G, just good clean weirdness.

TOM: Good and weird. Kind of like sodium and water. >Description: We have had unseasonably warm weather here >(Minnesota) ALL: AHHHHH! MIKE: I can't belive it! CROW: She lives in... TOM: Minnesota. ALL: (Shudder.) > and it's to the point of weird. Just a little something I thought >up.

>Spoilers: The movie. As I said, it was just something I thought >up and the movie explains how it actually might work. MIKE: (as Happy) In some bizzare and twisted sense that is completely unrealted to science or logic, yeah, it *might* work. CROW: Well, at least it's short. > DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE!!

TOM: Okay, so I'm not supposed to read this if I haven't seen the movie. Do I have that right? >Stuff: That's it. ALL: Yaayyyy! > Leave all flames... ALL: (mumble "I thought you said's" and "that's unfair's") >e-mail bombs, TOM: Don't tempt me... >or book deals at: issaquah@mailexcite.com. That said; let's >begin.

CROW: Let's not and say we didn't.

>Heat Wave

ALL: (singing) This is my island in the sun... >By: Happy

>Date: Dec. 10, 1998 >Time: 4:30pm >Basement of FBI building

CROW: Which one? MIKE: Huh? CROW: The one in Minnesota or California, I mean..What FBI building are we talking about here? TOM: Crow buddy, you're thinking too hard. > "So what's the story on this one," asked Scully as Mulder >came in with the paperwork.

TOM: (as Mulder) Well, this girl in a red hood goes to visit her grandmother, and... > "Taking a "vacation"," said Mulder "There have been reports >of some really warm weather, up in the 50's" MIKE: Well, it ain't Texas. That's for sure. > "I suppose it depends on your definition of warm," said >Scully

> "Yeah," said Mulder grabbing his jacket "But for >Minnesotians, that's pretty warm."

MIKE: Unless of course, it's summer. > "Mulder, I've heard of chasing weather balloons," said Scully >"but weather *reports*?"

TOM: That... was actually kind of clever. CROW: Well, you know what they say about the monkeys and Shakespeare. > "Actually," said Mulder "I think it could be our alien friends. >They could be manipulating the weather to prolong their >activities."

MIKE: Okay, anyone who saw *that* coming from a hundred miles away, please raise your hands.(raises hand) TOM: We can't Mike. CROW: But if we could, we would. MIKE: Good, just so long as we saw it coming. > "Mulder," said Scully "Those *aliens* operate best above >98.6, not 50. It's warm, but that will happen. Especially during >El Nino."

> "Normally I would agree with you Scully," said Mulder CROW: Whaddya mean?! They *never* agree!! TOM: Yeah! >"but El Nino was last year. Besides, I don't have much of a >choice. My vacation time's built up again and this was the only >way Skinner would let me work."

TOM: I'm guessing she saw "Never Again". MIKE: I would rather it be "Never". > "Fine," said Scully sighing "Let me get my coat."

CROW: I guess 50 degrees isn't warm by Scully's definition. > "You don't have to go," said Mulder

TOM: Yeah, well *somebody's* got to keep him out of trouble. > "Yeah, I know," said Scully "but somebody's got to keep you >out of trouble."

TOM: Hey! > "Riiightt," chuckled Mulder "If I remember correctly the last >time I left you..."

CROW: She solved the case without being shot at, and only had to worry about an insane guy who would go on a killing spree with a tatoo that sounded a lot like Jody Foster. MIKE: Crow, it *was* Jody Foster. CROW: Ooh...I just got chills.

> "I can't believe he sent them up there!" exploded one of the >men at the meeting.

ALL: Eeeewwwww. > "Don't worry," said the cigarette man quietly puffing "They >won't find anything. They never do."

> "You'd better hope so," growled the man

CROW: What is he? A dog? MIKE: He's Mog half dog half human. CROW: At least there was some improvement. MIKE: Hey!

> "So now where do we go?" asked Scully as they sat in the >rental car 10hrs later.

MIKE: At least she didn't say what *type* of car it was. TOM: Ford Taurus of course. CROW: Fanbot! TOM: Not again! MIKE: Yeah, never again. CROW: (groans) Just for that, Mike... > "Well," said Mulder looking at the map "St. Cloud... MIKE: ...has been dead for days, but is emmiting a floral odor? >...just broke their record high that has stood for the last 100 plus >years. I think we oughta start there."

> "First we need to find a hot spot," said Mulder as they came >into St. Cloud an hour later.

> "Strange," said Scully looking at the laptop screen "This >shows a five degree difference in the Quarry park area."

TOM: That's *some* laptop! I wonder what the RAM is for it to be able to store the full layout, FOR ALL THE CITIES IN THE US!! MIKE: Easy Tom. > "I think that qualifies," said Mulder and off they headed.

CROW: (sarcastically) It was a smoking 5 degrees. MIKE: That's 'cause Cancerman's been there. TOM: D'oh! > They reached the park and started off on the woody >trail.

> "Nice little place they've set up here," commented Mulder as >they walked. Small trees and bushes lined the path. Larger trees grew in the forest CROW: Well, that is what they call it when trees grow close together. MIKE: Guess she couldn't see the forest for the trees. TOM: And we can't see the plot for the exposition. > a little ways off and every now and then >they came to a large >pile of granite.

> "Not bad," agreed Scully. She stopped for a second to >examine something.

MIKE: As long as it's not the remains of some long lost hiker. > "Woah," said Mulder coming to a stop. "Hey Scully, come >over here a minute."

> Scully walked over.

CROW: Well, people would've suspected something if she oozed over. > "Strange," she said "It's substantially warmer over here. >Mulder, look at that pond." ALL: (chanting) Push him in! Push him in! > She pointed to a pond nestled in the rocks of granite just off the >trail. The water was steaming. They walked over. Scully took a >thermometer out and took the temperature.

CROW: She always keeps a spare thermometer, just in case. > "Mulder," she said in disbelief "This water is 80 degrees >Fahrenheit! Mulder?"

TOM: Umm, shouldn't she be using the Metric system? MIKE: Shhh! You aren't supposed to notice! > He was standing atop a pile of granite that didn't look to >stable.

MIKE: I'm king of the rock! > "Mulder! What on earth are you doing?" she asked CROW: I think there was a pun in there somewhere. > "Get off of there!"

> "I've got it!" he said as he came down

> "Got what?"

MIKE: A cold. > "They're underground." he said excitedly "Just like in >Antarctica. These piles of granite are what left of what they've >dug out! They heat the chambers that they've dug out and it keeps them from going into hibernation. That's what's causing >the pond to steam, it's their chimney!"

TOM: Oh, brother. CROW: The movie might explain how it could *actually* work huh? MIKE: Well, at least she has Mulder's character down. > Scully gave Mulder a hopeless look.

ALL: Right with ya Scully!!! > "Mulder," she said "This is an old quarry, they *dig* in quarries. As for the pond, it could be a seismic fault."

> Now it was Mulder's turn to give Scully a look.

MIKE: (as Mulder) Here you go Scully. Belated Christmas gift. > "You know as well as I do there are no faults around here," CROW: Nobody's to blame. It just happened. TOM: The government's to blame. MIKE: "They" are to blame. > he said. He glanced at the sky, it was getting dark. "Anyway, >we'll have to look more tomorrow. There a Motel 6 around >here?"

CROW: Must..resist...urge...to...comment! > *******************************************************************

TOM: (singing) Beyond the rim of the starlight, my love is wandering in starflight.... CROW: What the...? MIKE: That sounds suspicously like Star Trek. TOM: That it is, Mike. The first one, to be exact. CROW: I didn't even *know* there were words to that. MIKE: Yeah, all I ever heard was some lady singing opera style. > The next day it was cold. Mulder waited in the car as Scully >turned in both sets of keys. CROW: I'm guessing Happy ain't a 'shipper. MIKE: They can't all be Crow. CROW: (mutters) They *should* be... > Once she was back in he started the car and they drove out. >They went back to the park, but the water had dropped in >temperature along with everything else. TOM: So it's all over? Nothing happened!! CROW: Why are *you* complaining?! > They stayed there for the rest of the "vacation", but the water >never went above 40 degrees and the temperature never went >above 35. CROW: I know a wa... (beak is snapped shut by Mike.) MIKE: Don't even *go* there Crow. This is "G" rated. > The only evidence they had was the temperature reading.

TOM: Which disappeared under mysterious circumstances. > "They must've known we were coming," said Mulder as they >drove back to the Twin Cities to catch their plane.

MIKE: They're going to have to run awfully fast to catch one. > "Uh, huh," said Scully "and who would tell them?"

CROW: (as Mulder) You. I knew you were sent to spy on me! > "The shadow government," said Mulder in complete >sincerity "The man that gave me the cure for you said they had >been working with them for years."

TOM: (as Scully) What was his name? MIKE: (as Mulder) Oh, I don't know. He was well manicured though. TOM: (as Scully) Didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk to strangers? > "And that's what we're going to put on the report?" asked >Scully

> Mulder said nothing.

CROW: That's a first. >************************************************************************

TOM: (singing) Staaar Warssss! Talkin' 'bout Staaar Waaaarrrsss! CROW: Where do you learn all of these songs Tom? > Back in D.C. Mulder read the paper while Scully gave the >"official" report. MIKE: Slacker!!! > He turned to the Lifestyle section... TOM: (as Mulder) Let's see here..Lifestyles of: Aviators...Farmers..ah here we are. FBI: Normal in every aspects unless you are one Fox Mulder, in which case you don't have one... Hey! > and looked at the back page to read the weather. Temperatures >were cool for the most part except with one tiny exception: "The >middle of Minnesota is back up there with a high of 52 and a low >of 40." CROW: Of course, the *minute* they leave... >it read. He cut out the article, dated it, TOM: Being in the newspaper, wouldn't it *already* be dated? MIKE: Shh, we're almost done. > then slipped it into a brand new folder. Reaching over he >pulled open the drawer and slipped it in alphabetically.

MIKE: Let's go guys! They exit. (SOL) MIKE: Well, it was tough, but at least it was quick. BOTS: (nod in agreement too tired to speak.) (VAN) PEARL: (nods) So, how are you guys feeling? (SOL) MIKE: (looks around, Crow is his normal color, and Tom doesn't have his ice pack) Fine. I guess. (VAN) PEARL: See what I mean Nelson? When we started, you all looked terrible, now you're normal...Well, as normal as *you* can get. (SOL) CROW: Except that I'm feeling rather nauseous. TOM: Crow, we can't *feel* nauseous. CROW: That's my point. (VAN) PEARL: Well, I can't fix *everything* for you guys. Now I have to go pick up Bobo and Brain Guy from the doctor's. They haven't been feeling too hot themselves. Until next time boys!!! (SOL) MIKE: I hate to admit it, but she does have a point. TOM: Yeah, we don't feel sick anymore... CROW: but we *do* feel ten times worse!!! ALL: (sigh) MIKE: C-SPAN? BOTS: C-SPAN. (turns on C-SPAN.) ALL: AHHHHH! NOT THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS!!! CROW: TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!! (they madly try to click it off, but it refuses to. An hour later...) MIKE: You know. I didn't think it was *possible* to feel any worse. TOM: I think I'm gonna toss my RAM chips. CROW: I already did. ALL: (pull out the ice packs, thermometers, and blankets. Gypsy comes in.) GYPSY: (cheerily) Don't worry boys. I've just the thing...(zooms off and comes back with a history book.) ALL: (start reading, eyelids start drooping, pretty soon they're fast asleep.) Gypsy turns off the lights. THE END. In the backround you can here snoring. STINGER: "Mulder! What on earth are you doing?!" she asked.