The Bricklayer

Careful planning is essential for success. Poor planning can be disastrous, as illustrated by a man who was injured at work. When the insurance company asked him to clarify a few points on his claim, he responded:

Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request for more information. In block 3 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about five-hundred pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decide to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground  and untied the rope, holding  it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the five-hundred pounds of brick. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 pounds.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were too deep in the pulley.

   Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block 11.

   As you might imagine, I began a rapid decent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my lower body and legs. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind...I let go of the rope!

-500 Clean Jokes and Humorous Stories & How to Tell Them (by Rusty & Linda Raney Wright)

The WC

A little old English lady was looking for a room in Switzerland. She asked the local village schoolmaster to help her. A place that suited her was finally found, and the woman returned to London for her luggage. Then she remembered that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, a water closet. So she wrote to the schoolmaster. He was puzzled by the initials "W.C.," never dreaming that she was inquiring about a bathroom. He finally asked the parish priest, who decided that W.C stood for Wesleyan Church. The schoolmaster then replied:

Dear Madam:

   The W.C. is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of holding three hundred fifty people at a time and is open each Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. A large number of folks attend during the summer, so it is suggested that you go early, although there is plenty of standing room. Some people like to take their lunches and make a day of it, especially on Thursday, when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good and everyone can hear the slightest sound. You may be interested to know that my daughter met her husband and was married in our W.C.

   We hope you will be here in time for our upcoming bazaar. the proceeds will go towards the purchase of plush seats, which the folks agree are a long felt need, as the present seats all have holes in them. My wife is very delicate, therefore she cannot attend regularly. It has been six months since the last time she went. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I shall close now with the desire that to accommodate you in every way possible. I will be happy to save you a seat down front or near the door, whichever you prefer.

Schoolmaster

- 500 Clean Jokes and Humorous Stories & How to Tell Them (by Rusty and Linda Raney Wright)