Paul's Comedy Page
Welcome to my comedy page enjoy some of the Monty Python
sound files at the bottom of the page
TELEVISION COMEDIES
Are you being served
On the Buses
The Benny Hill Show
Benny Hill Site
Ragtrade
Blackadder
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for
breakfast!
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns
Groucho's Quotes
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you
Dean Martin
Jerry Lewis
Bob Hope & Bing Crosby
Laurel and Hardy
The Simpsons
Abbott and Costello
The Three Stooges
Rowan Atkinson
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
The Life of Brian
- Who cured you? Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me ... (119k)
- Spare a talent for an old ex-leper (17k)
- Do you feel like a little giggle when I say the name Biggus ... Dickus (151k)
- Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each (40k)
- Always look on the bright side of life (1312k)
- Welease Wodewick! (20k)
Lumberjack Song (1323k)
Money Song (417k)
Phliosophers Song (412k)
Spam Song (234k)
Spam? (13k)
Thank you very very very very much (26k)
Some of the scenes that follow will be of voilent nature ... (77k)
The "Nudge, nudge" sketch (live) (1189k)
Shove Off! (24k)
I want to buy some cheese (19k)
It's a bit runny, Sir (24k)
Lemon Curry? (11k)
Stop It! (5k)
Your fucking nicked me old beauty (33k)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
- I'm getting better (64k)
- Brave Sir Robin ran away ... (324k)
- Bring out your dead (136k)
- I don't want to go on the cart (75k)
- Death awaits you all (104k)
- But I don't want any of that (42k)
- Golly! (33k)
- Your mother was a hamster ... (112k)
- pie iesu domine - dona eis reqiuem (259k)
- You silly English K...kaniggets (190k)
- Fetchez la vache (102k)
- St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on .. (233k)
- Mind your own business (62k)
- I don't want to talk to you no more ... (133k)
- You were in great peril (99k)
- It's too perilous (73k)
- That is not an ordinary rabbit ... (155k)
- Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time (90k)
- she's got huge tracts of land (70k)
- Ah! now ... we see the violence inherent in the system (46k)
- I warned you! But did you listen to me? (165k)
- I'm getting better (23k)
- Brave Sir Robin ran away ... (118k)
- Bring out your dead (49k)
- I don't want to go on the cart (27k)
- All this will be yours. What - the curtains? (40k)
- Death awaits you all (37k)
- But I don't want any of that (15k)
- I fart in your general direction (23k)
- He says they've already got one (52k)
- Your mother was a hamster ... (40k)
- pie iesu domine - dona eis reqiuem (94k)
- You silly English K...kaniggets (69k)
- Fetchez la vache (37k)
- St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on ... (85k)
- Message for you, Sir (24k)
- Mind your own business (22k)
- Ni (2k)
- I don't want to talk to you no more ... (48k)
- You were in great peril (36k)
- It's too perilous (26k)
- In the frozen land of Nador ... (65k)
- Help! Help! I'm being repressed (15k)
- That is not an ordinary rabbit ... (56k)
- And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out ... (78k)
- Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time (32k)
- She's got huge tracts of land (25k)
- now we see the violence inherent in the system (16k)
- I warned you! But did you listen to me? (60k)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The Peasant Scene
- ... but a two-thirds majority ... Be quiet! (30k)
- If there's ever going to be any progress ... (43k)
- Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony (74k)
- Be quiet! (7k)
- Be quiet! (12k)
- But all the decision of that officer must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting (52k)
- Bloody peasant! (12k)
- By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! (72k)
- A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ... (66k)
- I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective (36k)
- We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune (24k)
- Well - I can't just call you (69k)
- You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship (31k)
- I am your king! Well, I didn't vote for you (29k)
- we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week (39k)
- I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ... (68k)
- Oh! What a give-away (23k)
- And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers! (36k)
- Well, how did you become king, then? (18k)
- How d'you do? (9k)
- How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons (72k)
- I'm thirty-seven! (43k)
- I'm not old (26k)
- Please, please good people. I am in haste (48k)
- ... by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs (31k)
- I order you to be quiet (17k)
- I told you (10k)
- Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government (64k)
- Well, who is your lord? We don't have a lord. (41k)
- Old woman! - Man! - Man. Sorry (34k)
- That's what I've been on about (11k)
- Oh! (3k)
- Order, eh -- who does he think he is? (23k)
- Help! Help! I'm being repressed! (24k)
- Did you see him repressing me? (13k)
- I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away! (73k)
- Shut up! (9k)
- Shut up! Will you shut up! (19k)
- Shut up! (9k)
- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite ... (175k)
- Theme Music (37k)
- Come and see the violence inherent in the system (30k)
- now we see the violence inherent in the system (28k)
- You don't vote for kings (15k)
- You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! (67k)
- we are all Britons and I am your king (32k)
- What? Sorry! (14k)
- What? (3k)
- Who lives in that castle? (19k)
- Whose castle is that? (14k)
- Yes (5k)
- Yes, I see (7k)
- You saw it, didn't you? (8k)
The Meaning of Life
- Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping' (25k)
- Every sperm is sacred (2314k)
- I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church ... (80k)
- Mr Death is a reaper - The Grim Reaper. (78k)
Misc
- Spam Song (345k)
- And now for semething completely different (48k)
- Here's the boss-fellow now! 'Ow are you, Bruce? (132k)
- G'day, Bruce! Oh, Hello Bruce! How are you Bruce? ... (220k)
- Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh? (59k)
- Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean ... (55k)
- I always wanted to be a lumberjack! (304k)
- Nobody expects the spanish inquisition (130k)
- I'm french! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent ... (119k)
- I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away (149k)
- Now go away or I should taunt you a second time (102k)
- Come and see the violence inherit in the system! (111k)
Go to the top of the page
Return to Paul's Homepage
Are you being served
On the Buses
The Benny Hill Show
Benny Hill Site
Ragtrade
Blackadder
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for
breakfast!
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns
Groucho's Quotes
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you
Dean Martin
Jerry Lewis
Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for
breakfast!
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Bob Hope & Bing Crosby
Laurel and Hardy
The Simpsons
Abbott and Costello
The Three Stooges
Rowan Atkinson
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
The Life of Brian
- Who cured you? Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me ... (119k)
- Spare a talent for an old ex-leper (17k)
- Do you feel like a little giggle when I say the name Biggus ... Dickus (151k)
- Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each (40k)
- Always look on the bright side of life (1312k)
- Welease Wodewick! (20k)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
- I'm getting better (64k)
- Brave Sir Robin ran away ... (324k)
- Bring out your dead (136k)
- I don't want to go on the cart (75k)
- Death awaits you all (104k)
- But I don't want any of that (42k)
- Golly! (33k)
- Your mother was a hamster ... (112k)
- pie iesu domine - dona eis reqiuem (259k)
- You silly English K...kaniggets (190k)
- Fetchez la vache (102k)
- St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on .. (233k)
- Mind your own business (62k)
- I don't want to talk to you no more ... (133k)
- You were in great peril (99k)
- It's too perilous (73k)
- That is not an ordinary rabbit ... (155k)
- Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time (90k)
- she's got huge tracts of land (70k)
- Ah! now ... we see the violence inherent in the system (46k)
- I warned you! But did you listen to me? (165k)
- I'm getting better (23k)
- Brave Sir Robin ran away ... (118k)
- Bring out your dead (49k)
- I don't want to go on the cart (27k)
- All this will be yours. What - the curtains? (40k)
- Death awaits you all (37k)
- But I don't want any of that (15k)
- I fart in your general direction (23k)
- He says they've already got one (52k)
- Your mother was a hamster ... (40k)
- pie iesu domine - dona eis reqiuem (94k)
- You silly English K...kaniggets (69k)
- Fetchez la vache (37k)
- St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on ... (85k)
- Message for you, Sir (24k)
- Mind your own business (22k)
- Ni (2k)
- I don't want to talk to you no more ... (48k)
- You were in great peril (36k)
- It's too perilous (26k)
- In the frozen land of Nador ... (65k)
- Help! Help! I'm being repressed (15k)
- That is not an ordinary rabbit ... (56k)
- And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out ... (78k)
- Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time (32k)
- She's got huge tracts of land (25k)
- now we see the violence inherent in the system (16k)
- I warned you! But did you listen to me? (60k)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The Peasant Scene
- ... but a two-thirds majority ... Be quiet! (30k)
- If there's ever going to be any progress ... (43k)
- Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony (74k)
- Be quiet! (7k)
- Be quiet! (12k)
- But all the decision of that officer must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting (52k)
- Bloody peasant! (12k)
- By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! (72k)
- A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ... (66k)
- I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective (36k)
- We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune (24k)
- Well - I can't just call you (69k)
- You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship (31k)
- I am your king! Well, I didn't vote for you (29k)
- we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week (39k)
- I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ... (68k)
- Oh! What a give-away (23k)
- And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers! (36k)
- Well, how did you become king, then? (18k)
- How d'you do? (9k)
- How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons (72k)
- I'm thirty-seven! (43k)
- I'm not old (26k)
- Please, please good people. I am in haste (48k)
- ... by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs (31k)
- I order you to be quiet (17k)
- I told you (10k)
- Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government (64k)
- Well, who is your lord? We don't have a lord. (41k)
- Old woman! - Man! - Man. Sorry (34k)
- That's what I've been on about (11k)
- Oh! (3k)
- Order, eh -- who does he think he is? (23k)
- Help! Help! I'm being repressed! (24k)
- Did you see him repressing me? (13k)
- I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away! (73k)
- Shut up! (9k)
- Shut up! Will you shut up! (19k)
- Shut up! (9k)
- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite ... (175k)
- Theme Music (37k)
- Come and see the violence inherent in the system (30k)
- now we see the violence inherent in the system (28k)
- You don't vote for kings (15k)
- You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! (67k)
- we are all Britons and I am your king (32k)
- What? Sorry! (14k)
- What? (3k)
- Who lives in that castle? (19k)
- Whose castle is that? (14k)
- Yes (5k)
- Yes, I see (7k)
- You saw it, didn't you? (8k)
The Meaning of Life
- Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping' (25k)
- Every sperm is sacred (2314k)
- I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church ... (80k)
- Mr Death is a reaper - The Grim Reaper. (78k)
Misc
- Spam Song (345k)
- And now for semething completely different (48k)
- Here's the boss-fellow now! 'Ow are you, Bruce? (132k)
- G'day, Bruce! Oh, Hello Bruce! How are you Bruce? ... (220k)
- Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh? (59k)
- Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean ... (55k)
- I always wanted to be a lumberjack! (304k)
- Nobody expects the spanish inquisition (130k)
- I'm french! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent ... (119k)
- I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away (149k)
- Now go away or I should taunt you a second time (102k)
- Come and see the violence inherit in the system! (111k)