The Off-Color Jokes Page
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Sent in by Lady Rage

Sent in by Lady Rage

Grandma's Oranges
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a
hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not
willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her
grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and
she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was
going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, " Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do
it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures
out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.

Sent in by Lady Rage

On their way to get married a young couple is involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St.Peter says, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they
waited their discussions centered around IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!"! said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip board on to the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Sent in by Lady Rage

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde -- it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light nulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My blonde co-worker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Sent in by Lady Rage

Excellent advice on health!

Health & Fitness -- the real facts!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

[Author unknown]

Sent in by Lady Rage

The Off-Color Jokes Page Updated Jan/09/2005