Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!

If you can smile when everyone around you is in despair, then you probably haven't fully grasped the enormity of the situation.

I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...

Before you judge another, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Love your enemies; they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I don't get even, I get odder.

NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

For years man thought that the moon was made of cheese but then they learned that it was just a hard lump of rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, then kill them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.

I'm not completely useless... I can be used to set a bad example.

New Aug-26-04

Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

And then God said: No! I meant a BUD light!

Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Don't look at the way things are and ask why -- think about the way things could be and ask why not.

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Percussive Maintenance - this is the fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.

If you've ever answered questions you don't know the answers to, you've created a religion.