Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Forget about World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

i support publik edekasion

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

Sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. And baby do I deliver!

My reality check just bounced.

When I'm not near the one I love, I love the one I'm near.

I like children, if they're properly cooked.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together..

Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the *bleep* is the ceiling?

He who throws mud loses ground.

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people unhappy and been generally regarded as a bad move.

They say that love hides behind every corner... am I walking in circles?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I hope he doesn't destroy the earth, that's where I keep all my stuff.

Love thyself, and many will hate thee.

Beneath my harsh, violent exterior is a harsh, violent interior....that likes poetry.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.

I am not stupid, I am not expendable, and I am not going.

Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

Never moon a werewolf.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system

Life's too short to stay on topic.

Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

When a thing has been said, and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it

I'm not deaf, I'm just ignoring you.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be... ?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.