I found out I was pregnant on November 26, 2004.  We were really surprised because our first son was only 2 months old and I was nursing!  It took a few days to get used to but we were excited to have another child on the way.

We live in Germany and I had plane tickets to go home on December 1st.  My husband wasn't able to get leave and come with us but our families really wanted to see the baby.  And of course, we were anxious to show him off!  I had my first prenatal appointment 2 days before I left because I was concerned about some spotting I was having.  The doctor said it was too early to see anything by ultrasound and told me to see an OB in the states as soon as I arrived.

After I arrived in Montana, I went to see an OB/GYN in Billings.  He didn't know why I was still spotting but he thought I was probably going to have a miscarriage.  I was sent down to the lab for an ultrasound and the tech told me that there was no fetal pole.  I wasn't sure what this meant but it didn't sound good.  I also had blood drawn that day.  Later that evening I got a call from the nurse and she told me that I most likely had a "Blighted Ovum."  Which meant there was no baby, just an empty sac.  I was devastated.  The moment I knew I was pregnant, I loved that baby.  Surprisingly, Sam's story doesn't end here.

I went back for a follow-up ultrasound a week later and imagine my surprise and delight when the tech found a heartbeat!  She said the baby was right on schedule for size and the heartbeat was 150.  I couldn't wait to go call my husband.  I continued to have spotting over the 6 weeks I was in the states.  Several times there was bright red gushing and clots for several hours.  Each time I was sure the baby was gone.  But each time the ultrasound showed the baby moving and a strong heartbeat.

When I returned to Germany in January, I had another heavy bleeding episode.  The doctor there decided to keep me in the hospital for monitoring for a few days.  The bed rest helped me get over the jet lag quickly but I missed my husband and our little baby so much!  I was finally released after 3 days and just told to take it easy because the baby was still doing fine.  They told me I had a subchorionic hematoma but that the baby still had a very good chance of making it.  Over the next month I started to feel like spotting was normal.  I had two more heavy bleeding episodes but the ultrasounds every other week always showed that the baby was fine. 

On February 23, 2005 I went in for my regular appointment thinking everything was still o.k.  It wasn't.  My husband decided to stay in the waiting room with the baby because he was being very fussy.  We had seen out little guy on ultrasound so many times, that I didn't mind.  I can't describe the feelings I had during that ultrasound.  The doctor kept moving the wand over my belly but things on the screen just didn't look right.  There was no amniotic fluid around the baby as far as I could see.  I was still in denial anyway and asked if he would be able to tell the sex of the baby since I was now 17 weeks along.  It was at that point that he said, "I'm so sorry, but you're baby has died." 

I couldn't believe it!  Our little fighter had made it through so much trauma and proved the doctors wrong so many times.  All I could think of was that I wanted my husband by my side.  He was called in and we cried together as the doctor explained to us what would happen next.  We were to come back the next day so I could deliver that baby.  He was too big for a simple D&C.  I was kind of relieved about that because I at least wanted to see him and say goodbye.  That night was one of the longest ones of our lives.

On Thursday, February 24th we went back to the hospital again.  This time we left our son, Seth, with a friend.  We had some difficulty at first because the doctors in the wing of the hospital we were sent to didn't speak much English.  It was a traumatic day already and not knowing what was going to happen almost sent me over the edge.  We finally found my regular doctor and she took us into a conference room and explained exactly what was going to happen.  She told us that I would be given a suppository to start labor and then when I felt strong enough contractions and pressure, they would wheel me down to Labor & Delivery.  Then we would be allowed to hold the baby and wrap him in the blanket we brought and have as much time with him as we wanted.  She also explained that the hospital would provide a funeral service and cremation services if we wished.  She said that they had them every 3 months for babies who died or were miscarried in their hospital.  We would be able to attend one for Sam in June.  I felt so much better knowing what was going to actually happen to our baby's body after we said goodbye.

It only took about 5 hours for the medicine to work and then we were in the delivery room.  After about 20 minutes our tiny son was born.  We were lucky enough to be able to tell that he was a boy.  I had brought a tiny pink and blue blanket to wrap him in and was surprised that it was still too big.  (It was only the size of a handkerchief. )  Those moments that we were able to hold our tiny son and say goodbye will be forever engraved in my memory.  I know that his spirit had already gone to heaven but I still had something tangible of him for a few moments.  It was so hard watching the nurse take him away when we were ready.  What an overwhelming feeling it is to see your child taken away and knowing you won't be seeing him again for such a long time.

The recovery went well and I had a D&C the next day.  When I was home again, I still felt very sad but my arms weren't empty.  I still had little Seth who was only 6 months old.  It didn't make up for the son we lost but he sure helped.  Some days I felt guilty because I didn't think I was sad enough.  I really just felt at peace, knowing he is with our Heavenly Father and that he is happy.  I knew I'd see him one day and that was enough for me.  I know everyone is different, but this is how it was for me.

----------- June 1, 2005---------------

The funeral for Sam was today.  It was a very bitter sweet experience.  The service was in German so we didn't understand the words, but we could feel the sweet spirit there.  The ashes of the babies were in a beautiful little white coffin with gold stars on it.  I couldn't stop crying as we followed that tiny box up the hill to the grave.  It was a hard afternoon but it is really nice to have the closure of a funeral service and a grave where we can bring flowers.

Sweet Samuel Elijah, you will always be in our hearts!  -- Love, Mom & Dad