IN THE REMEMBRANCE OF KIRPAL
by
Sant Ajaib Singh Ji
August 20, 1977
Sant Bani Ashram
Sanbornton, New Hampshire
Whether You know me or not, come into my courtyard.
I sacrifice myself on you. Come into my courtyard.
Whenever we desire anything in this world, we cannot have any
satisfaction until we achieve it. To fulfill our desire, we stay awake
at night and use any means. If anyone desires wealth, he will keep on
trying to get more until he gets a lot of it. If he loses any, his
desire for getting more still goes on. If anyone desires a son, until
he gets one he will not have any satisfaction; he will stay awake at
night and pray to God. The unchaste man also prays to God, and is not
satisfied until he enjoys lust.
So in this world, when we are in the grip of desire, we cannot be
satisfied until either we control it or we fulfill it. We pray to that
unseen Power, God, and we do anything necessary to fulfill that. Our
worldly desires are very strong. So if we have the same strong desire
or yearning to realize God, then until we are satisfied, until we
realize God, we are unable to sleep, and for such a dear one sleep
becomes an illegal thing.
Just as there is restlessness in the unchaste man, the greedy man, or
the angry man, until he satisfies his desire, in the same way, the
person who has a real desire to realize God cannot be satisfied until
he fulfills that desire: always, day and night, he remains restless.
Just as we are restless within when we desire the worldly things, if
we feel that some great Power has been separated from us for ages and
ages and that He is the Supreme Thing, and that by getting Him one can
get the real happiness - if we come to know about that unseen Power,
that hidden Power, and we have the real desire to realize that, then
we will not get satisfaction until we do. In this world we see what we
think are happinesses, and we feel we will get rest in that. But
neither in pain nor in happiness can we get rest in this world,
because this world is full of suffering.
Right from childhood the desire was within me to realize that
separated Kirpal Who was separated from me for ages and ages. I did
not know Who He was or where He was living, but still that desire for
realizing that hidden Power was going on within me. Nothing looked
good to me - not even bed gave me any comfort. My parents were afraid
and worried about what had happened to me - because this was at a very
young age. I would try to sleep but I was not able to. My parents
thought that maybe something had gone wrong with me; maybe some ghost
or something had control of me. They used many amulets and other
things to remove the fear of that ghost or spirit. But there was
nothing like that. When I was trying to sleep and the sleep would not
come, I would think, "What is that thing which is lost from me?" I
always felt some loss, because that unseen Power would not come before
me; He sent restlessness within, because I was not one with Him and I
had not realized Him.
So to that Power, day and night, this request was going on: "Even
though You do not know me and regardless of whether I know you or not,
today or anytime, please come to my door and please show me where You
are and Who you are."
There was a Baba living in the gurdwara [Sikh temple] of our village
and he was not liked by many people, especially by my father, because
he used to drink wine and smoke tobacco. But I liked him, because I
thought - at that time I was nine years old-this man has left his home
and everything, and he has colored his clothes, and he is sitting here
in remembrance of God. I thought that that meant that he had realized
God. So I had respect for him. Even though he was not liked by other
people, I used to go to him. Whenever I had a chance to get some money
from home, I would bring it and give it to the Baba; and he would buy
intoxicants with it. Father was very strict and I couldn't ask money
from him; but mother was very soft and whenever I would ask her to
give me money she always would, because she knew that I had that
desire. I thought, maybe this Baba will give me something of God; and
maybe he can help me. But he didn't give me anything.
Once it so happened that I was sitting with him in the night-time. My
father came there and caught me, and he was very displeased that I was
sitting there. He used to ask me, "Why are you going there?" But even
though he would rebuke me, still I had faith that someday maybe that
Baba would teach me about God; and I was not afraid of the rebukes and
beatings of my father. That night when he caught me sitting there, he
gave me a very severe beating and took me home. I was not upset with
him for the rebuke and the beating; I was very happy that at least I
was getting a beating for the sake of God! And that desire which was
burning within me didn't stop until I realized God; until I got the
real knowledge of God. So even though my father stopped me many times,
even though he gave me beatings, my desire went on and on and I
searched for many other people also who might give me some knowledge
of God.
When I was eighteen years old, I was in the army. Some people came to
entertain the soldiers. And among those people there was a man who was
wearing the clothes of a woman, and he was dancing and making people
happy. I thought, "She is very great." I was so innocent that I didn't
know that this could happen in the world: that people would even
change their forms for getting money and making other people happy. I
thought he was a woman. In those days it was very difficult for a
woman to come and dance among the men. I thought, "She is very brave
and I should also give her something," because other people were
giving. So I asked one man, "How is it that she is so brave that she
is dancing here among the men?" He said, "Oh no, she is not she. It is
a man who has changed his clothes and is dancing there; it is not a
girl." I was very surprised, and I gave ten rupees instead of one
rupee to that man. I learned a very great lesson from that: I thought,
This man has changed his clothes and has become a woman only for the
sake of money - for one rupee. And we don't even know how valuable that
God is Who is separated from us. If for getting rupees, people change
their forms - a man becomes a woman - so also one should become
something to realize that most valuable God. In this world, what
people will not do for the sake of money! So if we change ourselves -
if we become something - to realize God, only then can we do it.
Again the desire to realize God started within me, and I continued to
search. I met many Mahatmas, and they were gracious to me because I
served them. But whenever they taught me anything, it was only about
outer things - to tell fortunes and other things like that. I was not
satisfied. Once I came across a Mahatma who knew how to change the
human body into the animals, birds and other forms of life. He told me
he could teach me that. But I told him, "No, I don't want that. If you
know anything about how to realize God, teach me that." But he said,
"No. I don't have any knowledge like that. But I can teach you how to
change your body into that of a snake, or a tiger or other animals."
But I told him, "No, I want to go above the human body; I don't want
to go into the lower bodies." But I told him, "I am pleased with you."
And after serving him, I left him also because I was searching for God
and nothing else.
Kabir Sahib says, "Those who are doing that which is false, definitely
they will go to Hell and definitely they will wander in the wheel of
eighty-four lakhs births and deaths." So He says, "Beware of these
false people. If you have got to get anything from them, first think
deeply and be careful how you learn from them."
Once I knew a broker who failed in his business. He lost one and a
half lakh [150,000] rupees and his heart failed, and he left the body
as soon as he knew that he had lost that money. When I heard about
that, again I was very sad; because I felt that his heart failed and
he left the body only for the sake of those rupees. But my heart never
failed even though I had lost that most valuable and precious God.
Whenever I saw an incident like this - that people were losing in the
worldly things and becoming sad or detached - I would always relate that
incident to my own life because I was still feeling the loss of God.
There was a merchant in the town of Shergarh who lost his son when he
was very young, and he went mad because it was his only son. Always,
day and night, he was calling his son's name, and he was weeping and
all that. My father came to know about that man; and because I was
very much detached from the family, because I wanted to do devotion,
and because I had told my father, "I am not your man," he wanted to
show me what that pain looks like - the pain of the father when his son
is not with him. He wanted to show me so that I would change and
become attached to him. He brought me to that person and told me, "You
see, his son left the body twenty years ago, but still he is
remembering him and he is suffering so much that he is calling his
name day and night and waiting for him to come. Do you see how much
pain a father experiences when he has lost his son?" He did this only
to teach me that he also had that pain. I told him lovingly, "Father,
there is something more precious than a son which a man has to realize
and which is separated from him for ages and ages; and that is
Almighty God." When my father heard this reply, he didn't have
anything to say; he understood what I meant.
In that way, although I had not seen that Power and I knew nothing
about that Power, still I was waiting for that Power to come. I did
not even know whether or not that Power was manifesting in this world
or not; but still I was waiting for Him to come. Always, day and
night, this request was going on before Him: "Whether You know me or
not, whether I know You or not, still please come to my door and
quench my thirst." And just as children play with toys, and in the
temples people worship idols, I also used to make some doll-like
thing, thinking, This is my God. In those days there were no plastic
dolls or anything like that in India; so I made a doll or idol or
something like that from left-over pieces of cloth, and I would bring
sweets and other things in front of him and request him, "0 God, first
you eat this, then I will eat." But nobody came to eat there; and when
people found out about that, they laughed at what I was doing.
So this was the request and the prayer which I made in my childhood; I
requested that unseen Power, that God, to come to my door, and I told
Him, "Whether You know me or not, whether I know You or not, please
come to me. I will sacrifice everything - my whole being - for You, if
You will come to me." Now we people have the yearning to realize God,
and we say that want to realize God. But we are not ready to give up
the desire of the worldly things. We yearn for them also. We never see
whether we have decreased lust, or anger, or greed, or egoism, or
anything like that. But we are always expecting our vision to open,
and expecting to realize God. And that is not possible. Both these
things cannot go together. First of all we have to become a man if we
want to realize God. Hazur Maharaj, our Master, always used to say,
"God is in search of man. If anyone becomes a man, God will come to
him by Himself."
For me there is no one like You. I have searched for you
in forests, seashores and deserts.
I have searched for You in the whole world. Come into
my courtyard.
All night I would beg Him, "0 Unseen Power, come and meet me. I have
wandered here and there, in the forests, to the ponds, to the rivers,
to all places, but I have not seen a hint of You." I didn't wander
here and there in India to see sights; but as soon as I came to know
that there was some Mahatma, some beloved of God, living anywhere, or
whenever I came to know even that there was someone who was talking
about God, putting everything aside, I went there to see. In that way
I traveled a lot in India, but I didn't find any trace of that hidden
Power.
In 1947, when India and Pakistan were formed and the war happened,
we were fighting on the borders of Kashmir and it was very cold and
snowy. Because we had spent a lot of time in the cold, the doctors
recom-mended to the government that we should be kept in some hill
station for a year, so that we could maintain our good health. They
thought that if we went suddenly into the hot parts of the country,
there would be danger of sickness.
So we were given orders to stay one year in the hill station of
Shimla. But the desire for God was still within me, and somebody told
me about one Mahatma. I went to him and I requested him to tell me
something about God. So, because he wanted to get rid of me and he
didn't want to tell me anything, he told me, "You can only realize God
by performing austerities." That is the hardest of all practices, and
he thought that I would not do it. So just to get rid of me, he told
me, "Until you perform the austerity of the five fires, you cannot
realize God."
On one hand the government had told us not to go in the hot parts of
India because there was danger of getting sickness. And they had given
us many conveniences and comforts to maintain our good health. But on
the other hand, the fire which was burning within me - the desire of
God - was so consuming that I did not find any comfort in that hill
sta-tion, and I went to that Mahatma who taught me to do the
austerities. And I have told many times how that austerity is
performed. One has to sit in the middle of four fires, under the fifth
fire of the sun. From noon till evening, when the sun is hottest, one
has to sit, for five or six hours, repeating some names. This is done
for forty days continuously, in the hot season. I did that because I
had the desire to realize God, and I thought that if I could get God
by sitting in the fires, then I would understand it as the cheapest
bargain. I did that austerity, but I got nothing from it except the
burning of the body. And the desire which was burning inside me again
started burning in its full force, and again I was disappointed;
because I didn't get anything from that Mahatma regarding God.
[His] Parents call Him "Pal, "people call Him "Sant Kirpal."
You are my faith and morality: Come into my courtyard.
So when that Ocean of Grace saw this yearning, He couldn't stop
Himself, and He came to quench my thirst. His parents used to lovingly
call Him "Pal." And people of this world used to call Him "Sant
Kirpal." But when He came to the ashram, I told him, "It is all right
that your parents used to call you `Pal,' and people are now calling
you 'Sant Kirpal.' But for me, you are my religion, my morality, my
everything. So please come in my door." I requested Him, "I have
waited for You and now You have come. Please come in my eyes so that
you will not go away from me and I may not see anybody else."
People say that love is very easy. But it is not; it is very
difficult. Those who are shot down by the bullet of love, only they
know what it is like. They become useless for this world. Mahatmas
say, "People are understanding love as easy, but it is very
difficult." Once the poisonous snake bites, the person who was bitten
loses all the consciousness of this world and enters the next. When
the tiger grabs any animal, one grab is enough: the animal is killed.
The love of the Mahatma or the love of God is like the bite of the
snake and the grab of the tiger. Once the Master gives His Love to
anybody, He makes him useless for the world. Towards the world he
sleeps; towards the Master he wakes up. And he within whom the love is
coming up, he is not aware of the world; always he has the inspiration
of love, and always from his tongue the name of his beloved comes out
and nothing else.
Leaving my parents I have caught hold of you,
0 Emperor Kirpal, my beloved.
Maintain the honor of those who are attached to You,
and come into my courtyard.
At the age of seven I told my father, "I am not your man. I have not
come into this world for you, I have something else to do." I did not
have any attachment for my parents. So when Kirpal came, I requested
Him, "I left my parents and now I have taken refuge in You. You are
the Emperor of Emperors, You are my Giver, You are my everything. And
now that I have taken refuge in You, You should take care of me. If
you will not take care of me, what will people think? People will call
me mad, because I left my parents and property and everything. If
after doing that, I still don't get you, people will think: `For whom
has he left all this, if he is not getting anything?' So I requested
that Emperor of Emperors: "You are my everything, You are the Giver:
please take care of me because I have come to You and taken refuge in
You. I left everything and now I only have You. You are my husband and
I am your wife; please take care of me."
So here it says, "Leaving my parents, I have taken hold of You. And
because I have taken refuge in You, You must take care of me and You
must please come to my door." The opportunity was given to me by Hazur
to sing this hymn to Him, before getting initiation. I used to sing
this hymn whenever He told me to sit with Him on the dais and to say
something. So this is what I requested from my Master.
I have searched for you in all the cities; which messenger
should I send? My heart is throbbing as I have climbed
onto the sedan chair of love.
0 husband Kirpal, catch hold of my hand.
So I begged that Kirpal, "Searching for you I went to many cities,
many forests, many rivers. But I didn't know what Your address was or
where You were residing, so how could I write You any letter? How
could I send any message to You? Now You have come here." When I read
in the bani of the past Masters, how sitting in the sedan chair of
love, they went to Sach Khand, my heart also throbbed and I also felt
the same yearning. But I used to think that I had used up this man-
body, because a lot of time was spent in His search but still there
was no hint of His coming. So I requested Him, "I am afraid that this
man-body has gone. Hearing that people could sit in the sedan chair of
Love and go to Sach Khand, I am very much afraid that maybe I will not
be able to do this. So I am requesting You, Kirpal, that now that You
have come, You take care of me and You hold my hand and in that way
You make me cross the ocean."
We want Your darshan always - by any means.
"0 Kirpal, 0 Emperor, I am not asking any worldly thing from You. I
only want Your darshan by any means. And I want Your darshan always-I
want You never to go away from me."
0 True Emperor Kirpal, the Lord, You are my support.
"You are Emperor, and people call You `Emperor Kirpal,' and there is
no doubt about that. You are the only support, the only way, for me to
realize God. You Yourself have said that You are the only way for me
to realize God. But I do not understand You as the way; I understand
You as that Almighty God. And tonight I will sleep, because today,
when You came, I found peace. I was separated from You for ages and
ages and I haven't slept; tonight, when I have found You, I will sleep
a very deep sleep. Now all my worries are gone."
Poor Ajaib has met beloved Kirpal, and I thank Him
millions of times.
That Almighty Kirpal was the only way for me to realize God. And when
I understood that I had found God, then I became grateful to Him and
thanked Him thousands of times. I was very happy because that Kirpal,
Who was separated from me for ages and ages, today had come and had
come into my courtyard, and now I was seeing my God. Master used to
say, "If anyone becomes poor, that Giver, that God, is always ready to
fill his bags."
We are full of "I" and "Mine." There was a fakir named Suthra.
Somebody asked Him, "What is the best way of making a building
strong?" Suthra replied, "Pillars will make a building strong." So
that man started putting pillars in the house. He filled up his house
with pillars and he didn't have any place to stand. It started
raining, and Suthra came there and asked him, "What is the matter? Why
are you not going in and standing inside? It is raining." But the man
said, "If this house had any room I would have put one more pillar
there."
In the same way, this is our condition; within we are full of "I" and
"Mine." We say, "`This is my wife, this is my community, this is my
family, this is my property." And, "I am this, I am that" - like that.
Our within is full of "I" and "Mine," and if we have any little bit of
room within us, then also we try to fill up that place with something
else of this world. In this way, how can we develop that poverty and
humility in which we can make some room for God to come and reside
within us?
Once Prophet Mohammed asked his disciples what possessions they had.
Hazrat Omar stood up and started counting, saying, "I have a camel, I
have a wife, I have a grandson, I have this much money in the bank,
and I have loaned this much money to people; I am the owner of this
thing, I am the owner of that thing." He took one hour to count all
those belongings. But when Hazrat Ali's time came, he stood up and
said, "I have only two things in this world which belong to me; one is
You, 0 Master, and the other is Almighty God."
That was Prophet Mohammed's way of explaining this to his disciples.
He wanted to show them who was desiring what and who was deserving
what. So when Hazrat Ali replied, "One is You, 0 Master; the other is
Almighty God," Prophet Mohammed was very pleased with him and he gave
him his spiritual power.
Remembering Kirpal Singh, many sinners got liberation;
Ajaib says, "Do not give up the hold of Kirpal Singh."
So after showering Grace on me, when Master went back, He gave me the
duty of keeping quiet and doing meditation. He told me, "You are not
to worry about the world. You are not to come out in the world, and I
will come by myself to see you. You should not even come to see me;
you should do the work which I have told you to do." So, because I was
in His refuge, I dug out one cave there and I started doing meditation
without caring about the people. He had told me that He would come
there by Himself, and He showered Grace in that way also. He used to
come to see me in His private time. He used to say, "The owner of the
cattle knows what the cattle need. Whenever a cow needs water, or
anything, He comes out by himself and gives that. The cattle do not have
to ask for it." So in the same way, because I also was tied up at the
door of the beloved Kirpal, He was worried about me, and He used to
come to take care of me. I relied on Him and He kept His promise - He
kept His Word - He used to come to see me. So I was doing meditation,
and this was a sudden change: before that I used to see people and
talk with them and do all kinds of things. But suddenly when I started
doing meditation, I was cut off from all the world. So those dear
ones who were having sympathy for me - worldy sympathy - they thought
that maybe I had gone mad, and that Kirpal Singh who came, maybe he
put some-thing in my head: "That's why this wise man who was doing
well before he came, now has gone mad." And because they were having
real sym-pathy for me they thought of giving me shock treatments and
medicine to remove my madness. But I used to tell them only one thing;
"Dear ones, I have not gone mad. I am telling you that repeating the
name of Kirpal Singh, many sinners have got liberation. That Almighty
Kirpal, who has given me His Naam - doing His Simran, many sinners
have got liberation, and this has come in my experience. That's why
lovingly I am advising you that you should not give up His company and
you should trust Him. That means that you also should have faith in
Him. And taking initiation into Naam from Him, you should also
meditate and you should also get liberation."
And now also, my message is the same for all the dears ones: Doing His
Simran, many sinners have got liberation. Those who were full of
faults, they also have become good men. That's why Ajaib says, "You
should not give up the company of Kirpal Singh. From within, He is
always calling us and He is waiting to welcome us, so that He may take
us to the higher planes, to our eternal Home."
So we should empty our mind to make some room for His arrival. Until
we empty our mind, where is the place where He can come and dwell?
When we are full of other things within, there is no place for Him to
come. In that way He cannot come to us.
Tulsi Sahib says, "Clean the chamber of your heart for His arrival.
Take your attention off other people and give your attention to Him."
Clean your heart of all worldly things, give up all worldly things,
and always keep purity within you so that He may come and dwell there.
Only in purity will that Pure God come and manifest. Then He says,
"Cut off the attention from all outer things and go on giving
attention to your beloved Master, so that He may come and manifest
within you. There is one heart but there are thousands of desires." So
you tell me - if we don't do this, where is the place for Him to come
and dwell?
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